Friends come in all shapes and sizes, and all flavors of crazy, but we love them all the same. The older we get, the smaller and tighter the circle grows, and with good reason, of course. But even once “the crew” has been established, and the girls have proved themselves through thick and thin, there’s always that one friend. The Wild Child. The exception to most of your rules governing friendship. The one who leaves you scratching your chin and shaking your head, but calling her back every week at the same time to meet up for Happy Hour at “the spot.” And she knows exactly where that is, because that’s your girl, after all, but she sure does have her ways. We all know her very well.
We all have that one friend …
1. … Who just has to be the center of attention. Always.
The world stops spinning for just a few precious moments when this friend walks into a room. All conversations come to a screeching halt, all eyes zoom to center – accompanied by dropped jaws – and every other female in the vicinity ceases to exist … or so she’d lead you to believe. For some reason, this friend here demands all the attention, all the time.
It’s a wonder she even has people like you to call her friend, considering the way she boasts and brags about herself. You don’t have to tell her that her outfit is cute or hair is laid, cuz she’ll make sure to point it out first. “Look at my new bagggg!!! Isn’t it everything?!” Not really. But you can’t tell her nothing. And don’t let the girls all be hanging out when a cute stranger walks by and throws a compliment into the air without specifying its recipient. “Hey, beautiful!” Like a pro athlete, she catches it every time. “Oh, thank you!” (flips hair and bats lashes) He looks at her oddly, out the sides of his eyes, and just keeps walking. He was talking to you, after all, but she’d never guess.
Though she’s fun to hang around, you learned a long time ago not to call this particular homegirl when in need of a good listener with valuable advice. She may, in fact, be capable of the latter, but her self-absorbed nature keeps her from even hearing your full story. Every word you utter reminds her of something she’s been through or is currently going through, so the conversation will always shift focus. Inevitably, you will end up hearing her out and nurturing her wounds, while your own go unattended. Indefinitely. That’s your girl, though, and you’ve got her back. Let’s just hope reciprocity isn’t one of your priorities, ’cause ya ain’t gon find it in her.
Signs She’s That Friend:
– You hold back violent, uncontrollable laughter every time she utters the H-word. “I make my h*ters my motivators,” she likes to say. “I’ll pray for ’em, though.” Girl, bye.
– She calls you at the most inconvenient times to vent, but is always somehow too busy to hear you out.
– She likes to see what everybody else is wearing before she gets dressed. How else will she upstage the girls?
2. … Who prefers to wear yo sh*t.
It all starts when she first suggests getting ready at your house. You know? Because it’s “closer to the venue,” or so she says. What’s supposed to be a brief “run up, change, and take a shot before the party” pit stop quite quickly morphs into a tour of your closet and dresser drawers. Against your will, of course.
Soon enough, she’s “ooh”ing and “ahh”ing at all your prized wardrobe possessions, especially the ones with the tags still very much intact. You’re saving those pieces for a special occasion, but what’s more special than a homegirl in need, she assumes. “Ooooh, girl, can I wear your ______? It matches better than mine! I swear I’ll give it right back.” Chile, please. Been there. Heard that. Never saw it again.
You see, she’s a slick one. She always conveniently forgets to give it back at the end of the night, or even better, hits you with the “Lemme wash it for you first.” So kind and considerate, that friend is. *rolls eyes* But don’t you dare let her hold on to it for too long, because soon enough, you won’t even want it back. And that’s the goal of her whole evil scheme. After all, she’ll Instagram, Twitpic, and Facebook about five pictures in the garment, so the whole world now thinks it’s hers. And – oops! – there’s a run in the hem. How convenient.
Signs She’s That Friend:
– She knows your wardrobe better than you do and can concoct full outfits from your closet (accessories, and all) over the phone.
– She always suggests “going shopping,” but leaves empty-handed while you’ve got bags galore [the logic: What’s yours will soon become hers].
– She calls/texts you the five deadly words: “Girl, what size is your …???” It all goes downhill from there.
3. … Who stays truly, madly, deeply in love … with a perfect stranger.
Somehow, someway, Valentine’s Day always comes early for this one friend. The birds are always chirping on her side of town, and wedding bells are always ringing. But then again, they aren’t. You see, she’s the type who’s always in a new relationship with a guy nobody had heard of until they were damn near engaged. With her, every one, is the one, until there’s no one. Then she has to find a new one. Ohhh, what a tangled web she weaves.
This poor friend of yours is a hopeless romantic, and she lives to be in love. Or perhaps she lives to long for the idea of it all. But whatever the case may be, she somehow never quite makes it past the honeymoon stage. This friend is a serial six-month dater, and don’t you dare mention the Mikes, Derricks, and Joes of seasons past unless you want an earful of excuses from a woman scorned. She’ll swear they were just days away from getting married until he dropped the ball. Yep, it was always “he” who brought their fairytale to its tragic ending — whoever “he” was that week. You can never keep up.
Just keep picking up the phone for this friend, though, because you won’t want to miss the tale of how the latest guy swept her off of her feet. This one, he’s different, a keeper for sure. And it was love at first sight. Or wait – did she say first shot? Because we think she met this one at the bar, but that’s neither here nor there …
Signs She’s That Friend:
– She misses Girl’s Night frequently because she’s always on a date with her “new boo.”
– Even she can’t keep up with her exes. (“Wait, Joseph? The one with the tattoo of his dog, right? Wait, never mind. That was Tyree. Yeah, I loved Tyree. He messed up a good thing.”)
– You’ve been her bridesmaid about eight times by now, but never made it down the aisle.
4. … Who gets drunk and likes to pop off.
There’s always that one friend who’s just a little bit more live than everybody else, and without one ounce of shame. This is the friend who keeps a flask in her clutch and is usually “turnt up” before you all even leave for the function. She’s typically the most confident – wait, scratch that – cocky. But dares a single soul on the outside world to look her way! Nope, she ain’t having it. The most simple and seemingly insignificant infraction by a stranger just might tick this friend off, and she’s ready to fight. Squad up!
The irony is, she has the most bark and the least bite to back it up. For one, she’s usually the littlest chick in the crew. So when, at a mere 5′ tall, she challenges WNBA-sized broads to a fight, they’re looking at you to jump in. Negative. Two, she loves to get to cussing and waiving her fingers, but won’t ever jump out there formal, formal because she’s too busy standing behind y’all hitting the faux “hold me back” stance. Then, the next morning, you can almost always guarantee she doesn’t remember a thing. Your play by play of the night before is hilarious to her, because she can’t recall getting kicked out, driven home, and carried to her bed. “Girl, I don’t remember none of that! I was f*cked up!,” she says proudly. Uh huh. Sure she was ….
Signs She’s That Friend:
– She’s drunk before y’all even leave the house and damn near done for the night by the time you find a good parking spot at the club. “Pull it together until we get in! Stand up straight.”
– She requests “Knuck If You Buck” at every party!
– “I wish a bitch would!” is one of her signature quotes.