Dating My Girl’s Ex
Last summer, my dating memoir/ advice book, A Belle in Brooklyn, debuted in hard cover. Of all the stories or quips/tips, I shared, I noticed that in interviews and discussions about the book, there were three topics that near everyone who read it, or interviewed me about it (not always one in the same) got hung up on (in this order):
- The sexual assault that happened in Chapter 2, which everyone who mentioned it talked about by talking around it, and if I was in a room of people, everyone became noticeable uncomfortable. No surprise as in a survey by the Centers for Disease Control, one in five college women reported being raped at some point in her lifetime.
- The issue of Black women and weight because, whether being overweight or “unfit,” it’s an issue in dating or a general health issue, and it’s one that concerns a lot of us. Also unsurprising as 69 percent of non-Hispanic Black women are overweight or obese, according to the Office of the Surgeon General.
- My “rules” for dating a friend’s ex — seeming harmless in comparison to the other two topics as it’s not an issue that affects really important things like physical and mental health, but one that struck a chord nonetheless. (On Monday, I took a visit to VH1’s Big Morning Buzz to discuss a few rules to dating from a woman’s perspective, a take on MTV’s uber-popular series Guy Code, and the topic came up once again)
By no means do I think anyone should be plotting on a friend’s current significant other in hopes that they break up so you can make him your own. There’s a popular Chris Rock skit that talks about women noticing just how great a friend’s man is and think “I want him!” as opposed to what Rock says guys do and think, “I want a woman like that!” That’s just all manner of shady. But it’s equally shady for women to call “off limits!” to long ago exes, like the guy they were in a relationship with in college when they graduated years upon years ago, or even guys that were casual dating encounters that didn’t work out in the long run. Logically, we can’t lament, as we so often do, about the lack of quality male dating options, then create frivolous rules for each other regarding who’s dateable among the circle — no matter how far in history or on the margins — and expect to all have a fruitful selection.
I’m not fond of friends or associates having penis in common. But as our social media lives continue to expand — with Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and the like making it more likely to meet people from our friends and associate’s pasts — it’s become increasingly difficult to meet anyone who hasn’t known someone we know-know in the Biblical sense, much less sat across from while having dinner and drinks. Naturally, I thought that with the new social setting I should get over my hang up about shared peen and evolve to accommodate our increasingly intermingled lives.
In my “Dating Code of Honor,” I set forth new rules — yes, like HBO’s Real Time with Bill Maher:
Article One: Married folk must remove all exes from their personal basket and return items to the shelf for consumption by the general market, including friends and associates. Said married people are not obligated to hook up, arrange blind dates, or introduce single friends to their exes.
Article Two: Currently boo-d up people can still claim exes off-limits if the previous relationship occurred within the last three years. Upon entering a relationship, anyone they were committed to — except those rare great loves – is fair game.
Article Three: All college boos must be released into the marketplace for general consumption at maximum three years post-graduation.
Article Four: All Great Loves — the type that “Carrie Bradshaw” would have called a “Mr. Big” — are of limits to the circle of friends and associates regardless of marital/dating status.
Article Five: One-night stands are in play to all after 90 days.
Article Six: Jump-offs who have not been active for more than 12 months are fair game.
Article Seven: Your ex’s inner circle of friends remains off-limits unless the ex grants permission.
Article Eight: In the case of a man who has been claimed, i.e., an interest has been expressed by a friend, but a return interest has not been forthcoming, said man is up for grabs by friends and associates after a period of seven days.
In each and every case of dating a friend’s former flame, the friend must be given the head’s up or permission must be asked — no exceptions. (I’m trying to improve dating relations, not ruin friendships.)
Could you and/or your friend’s operate by these rules?
Demetria L. Lucas the author of A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life. ABIB is available to download and now in paperback. Follow her on Twitter at @abelleinbk
I am going to guess that the people who place a lot of rules around who they can and cannot date tend to be the one’s who most frequently lament the paucity of suitable dating prospects. Being the biggest hindrance to one’s personal progress is more common than we readily admit.
How good a friend are you if you are willing to stand in the way of a friend possible happiness because of some dating rule established by adolescent girls?
Bingo! Girls that probably weren’t that good of friends anyways.
Happy someone said it! We are both consenting adults and I am not going to play middle school games.
Excuse me the good friend you dished out my playbook etc with my man now he is my ex you are playing footsy with him oh I don’t think so you are dead to me but if we have kids i will sleep well at night knowing i don’t have to go all FBI on you behind *SMH*
i’m a grown and i do not want to go messing with or sleep w/a friend’s ex.. i find it disgusting.. she laid up w/him and shared her deepest secrets w/him and then i’m going to do the same.. sorry.. too many men out there for me to only find interest in my friends ex.. are we now gonna sit by the fire and reminisce about it.. call it what you want.. loyalty is just that.. loyalty..
“loyalty is just that.. loyalty..”
^this!
It’s not about standing in the way of someone’s happiness-it’s about being honest with your feelings. If you hang out with the girlfriend in a lot, then you will have to see the ex. And that is not only awkward but just plain weird.
So, its best for the friend not to even go there if she wants to keep her good girlfriend. If the possible love match is stronger than the friendship, then go for it. Because it’s the rare woman who would be o.k. with this scenario, and she’d drop the friend over this.
I don’t think dating is hard. Only so-called dating experts like the author try to make it seem it is so you can buy their books and convince you their rules/advice works. The rules in the article are ridiculous. The author’s world must be really small if you can’t find a man that your friend/associate hasn’t been with.
^This!!!
I’ont know B, all my ex’s/JO’s/sorta boyfriends and everything in between is off limits to my inner circle. If I’ve seen the love below, I don’t want my closest friends knowing what I know. Granted, my inner circle is only like 4 women. My acquaintances and friends-of-friends are more than welcome to have at them ol’ chuckleheads though LOL
The only way I’m going to be okay with a friend dating someone from my past is if they are truly deeply connected and plan to fall in love and get married, have babies, have a far better relationship than I ever would have with him, and live happily ever after.
I don’t know how they are going to get to that point though, hopefully I don’t know about it…… I’m just not comfortable with my friend bringing someone around that I used to sleep with, date, love, etc. It’s just not considerate of your friends feelings. Just because you don’t deal with someone anymore doesn’t mean there isn’t potential for complicated feelings once you start to hear about/see that person around again.
And I’m so sick of dating “rules”. Who sits on the committee to make these rules? Steve Harvey, Tyler Perry and bloggers?
Bingo! Personally for me it takes a LOT for me to get into a relationship with someone regardless wheather it is friendship or romance so if I were in a relationship with so and so best believe for me that would be a hard pill to swallow mainly because how I operate in love, it doesn’t necessarily have to do with “oh…she is being immature.” No, some things are off limits, the world isn’t that damn small. Like you said I can see if they were madly in love and there pairing was something they couldn’t help then no I wouldn’t stand in their way but if they are doing it to just do it than yes I have a problem. It isn’t about dating rules (which there are none) but about courtesy and boundaries. This discussion remains me of soap operas of how everybody is a revolving door in their circles/town…lol So things are best left to fiction
This is the closest to how I feel. I’m less concerned about policing who my friends date than I am about having someone back in my life by way of my friend. I usually burn bridges with my ex, so having them resurface because they’re now on my friend’s arm would make my friendship awkward to say the least. Especially considering if she’s a close friend she would’ve already heard my stories about the things I dealt with while with him.
This is not a popular opinion but once you aren’t dating someone anymore they can date whomever they want. People can make all the rules they want to make, but adults can do what they want. But real talk, most of the time your friends won’t want your ex, because he or she probably wasn’t a good fit for a lot of people. But if you move on, then so can they. I wouldn’t hold any ex hostage against my friends, even if it would hurt to see them together. I believe that holding onto an ex prevents me from getting my next blessing.
exactly.