There I was, getting ready to go to a friend’s house (to eat coconut milk ice cream and watch Craigslist Joe, if you must know, and yes, I totally recommend both – sooo fun!) but before I could even get my primp on I ran into a snag. Bigger than a snag, actually. This happened:
How did this happen exactly? I put on my fave pair of trouser jeans — so cute with or without heels! Can be dressed up or dressed down! Love the wash! — and when I squatted down to pick up my belt off the floor I felt a rip. An earthquake, really. Basically I Incredible-Hulked my jean.
My first thought was sadness. I lost a beloved pair of jeans! And then my sadness turned inward. Stupid “athletic” thighs! Why do you always have to go and ruin perfectly good fashion?! I need to lose 10 pounds, stat! But then I got angry because you know what? My thighs are awesome. Yeah, they’re bigger than what your sizing charts say they should be but you should see me jump a plyo box! Or check out my killer roundhouse! And did you know I can squat with a full range of motion? On a Bosu! With weights! And four kids hanging off me! And spinning plates on the top of my head! (Okay, not the plates!)
So guess what, jeans companies: it’s not me that’s the problem, it’s you.
Why do you have to make me so disproportionate? My strong legs are too big for a “slim fit” but my waist is too small to go up a size. There is a 2-3 size difference between my waist and my thighs. And I know y’all think you solved this problem when you invented curvy jeans but all “curvy” girls are not created identically and while I’ve got more thighs than a bucket of chicken, I don’t have much of a butt (despite hundreds of lunges). I’m also entertained that your definition of “athletic” (as evidenced by countless magazine articls and fit tips) is “straight up and down” (i.e. no waist, no butt, no hips, no legs). Certainly those women can be athletic but athletes come in all shapes and sizes. Although I am glad you stopped calling that body type “boy shaped” because that was just ridic. Maybe we should just go back to the fruit bowl? Hi apple, I’m a pear.
Do you know what you’ve left me with Jeans Manufacturers? The denim demon PAJAMA JEANS. (Hold me.)
I’m a girl with style darnnit. I deserve better than cheap leggings with a seam and pockets printed on them Polly-Pocket style. I deserve better than 97% lycra. I deserve to feel strong AND confident AND sexy in my jeans. Oh, and I deserve to be able to squat down to pick something up without literally tearing the butt out of my pants. I do not deserve this: