Crazy, Sexy, Stupid, Violent Love

by Danielle C. Belton

Former NFL wide receiver and reality TV mainstay, Chad Johnson, messed up big time when he assaulted his new bride, Vh1’s Basketball Wives alum Evelyn Lozada less than a month after the wedding.

He lost his comeback spot with the Miami Dolphins. He lost his wife after Lozada filed for divorce. He might lose his freedom, depending on how things pan out legally.

Lozada eventually went on ABC’s Nightline to speak out about the night she felt her marriage ended. She spoke of when she found a receipt for condoms, confronted her husband, he head-butted her leaving a cut that needed six stitches, then fleeing and hiding from him at a neighbor’s house, leading to her filing for divorce.

Johnson’s response, even though allegedly he hasn’t spoken to her in months, was to get a tattoo of her name and face on his leg.

The most telling words Lozada had on why she ended it with Johnson was: “I said to myself, ‘I’m never going to go through that again, ever … I don’t think any woman should ever have to feel like that or be fearful of her husband.”

Johnson’s response was a bit more concerning and slightly ominous:

Both these statements hint at something far deeper than what some more misguided people might call “passion” or “love.” It’s more like “possession.” He meant to convey how deeply in love and devoted to Lozada he still was, but he also sounded like the sort of person who decided she didn’t have a choice in whether or not to continue a relationship with him. That her choice didn’t matter if it didn’t line up with his desires. His refusal to accept the truth is in turn a threat. Because if this is the end, then what will he do? He’s already proven he’s willing to use force to attempt to silence her.  What would he do to make it so she couldn’t leave?

In my sole three-year experience in loving a controlling man, when we finally ended it, he told me he didn’t think I had “the right” to say he couldn’t see me. Then he told me he might stalk me if I ended it for good. He relayed threats through other parties. Continued to try to contact me over social media long after the relationship was dead.

But there was a time, when I was young and didn’t know any better, his love seemed thrilling. After all, he must really love me if he said that if I ever cheated on him he’d try to murder as many people as he could, then try to go out “suicide by cop.” How twisted did my young mind have to be to accept this? I didn’t come from a violent home. My parents have been married since forever and rarely get upset with each other. But I was inexperienced. I listened to others who told me I should be happy that a guy wanted me because isn’t it bad to be single? And even if the relationship was bad – “Well, if you really love someone you can’t just give up on them, otherwise it’s like you never loved them at all.”

Now that I’m older, I know why my friends said these things to me. They had parents who were drunks. Parents who beat them. Parents who didn’t support them. Parents who called them out of their name. They had fathers who cheated on their mothers. Fathers who beat their mothers. Mothers who beat their fathers. Mothers and fathers who abandoned them.  And in all that violence and disrespect, they claimed love. That’s why it was so easy to accept all sorts of violations, like sorority hazing that ended in bruises and alcohol poisoning and friendships that were cruel and full of jealousy and manipulation – the violence was supposed to help you grow stronger, be closer, and love each other more.

And it seemed to work, in a way, at least in the short-term. I’ve met all sorts of people who felt they had a deep love spawned out of and in spite of great hurt and violence.  And so the violence was laughed at and romanticized and repeated. Because love and violence were what these people knew.

Me and my tendency to cut things off the minute I realized someone was a cancer, post-my disaster relationship with Mr. Control, was seen as cruel and heartless. “You don’t just throw people away,” they would tell me.

I was like, “Sure, you can.”

I don’t know if it was because of the stability of my family or because I’m my father’s daughter or if it was the “Lesson Learned” of my failed relationship – I’d rather do bad by myself.

Pain in love and the pain of loneliness were not equal for me.  The pain you feel when someone hurts you just because they can, cheats on you because they can, runs you into debt because they can, then throws up a “I love you. I can’t live without you. I did this because I loved you so much” was far worse than being alone. Loneliness never cheated on me. Loneliness didn’t run me $10,000 into debt when I was only 23. Loneliness didn’t manipulate me, try to “gaslight” me and convince me I was the problem. Loneliness didn’t abandon me and tell me it was my fault for not letting it have its way in everything.

But it’s not that I don’t want love. In fact, it’s in my appreciation of the power of it that I don’t give it as freely as I once did. Because it’s hard to turn love off once the switch is flipped.  You mourn it for years. It scars. I’ve never been someone who could just give it away.

I understand the crazy, bizarre intensity of Johnson just as I understand why Lozada is saying “not again.” I get it. Johnson’s behavior makes sense to him because this is the extreme way he shows what he thinks “love” is. It’s likely all he knows. If you act a little crazy/violent/illegal – it’s all the same to him. It’s romantic. He didn’t head-butt her out of pure rage and control, it was because he wanted her to be quiet and listen to his lie and believe it.  After all, if she’d just never found that receipt (or a controller would say “looked for it”) she could still delude herself into believing she was in a healthy relationship.  After all, Lozada had her own history of violence. He could argue what made her better, so much better to turn away.  And why should the truth tear us apart when so many stay together no matter how horrible – out of obligation, out of fear, out of tradition, out of simply not knowing anything else.

Why break the chain, even if it’s corroded and rusted out, rotting from the inside?

You try to tell yourself that it’s passion if he damages your property. That he must really care if he smacked you in the mouth for talking to another guy. As the old song goes, “He hit me and it felt like a kiss.” For those locked in this cycle, violence is just part of those intense feelings. If it wasn’t there these tired, tortured souls wouldn’t know what love is.

  • Laugh

    I will ALWAYS choose loneliness over being in a dysfunctional relationship!

  • ?!?

    “Loneliness didn’t run me $10,000 into debt when I was only 23.”

    Waaah? That’s crazy.

    Some people don’t feel like they’re in love unless there’s drama. Many of them have these drama-filled relationships, and when they get in a relationship with a normal person, they think the person is boring or too nice.

  • http://thebrokejetsetter.com brokejetsetter

    Honestly, I don’t think we can judge or say what Chad will or won’t do based on a past relationship. Instead of dissecting their relationship and giving in depth explanations for a relationship you have NO knowledge of, why not focus more on what you know for sure: what you’ve experienced.

    With that said, I do agree that loneliness is better than the pain someone else places in your life. However, depending on the degree of the pain, cutting people out of your life may not be the best decision. Merely speaking to them about the issue may be all that’s needed as opposed to abrupt ending of a friendship or a relationship. And often times, many of these issues take place because instead of listening to God, people are taking the advice of friends or family.

  • OSHH

    @ Brokejetsetter, Ironically I thin Danielle did use her experience much in this peice and just juxtaposed the reality folks incident and his on going behaviour.

    Danille girl this ain’t nothing but the truth—->”But it’s not that I don’t want love. In fact, it’s in my appreciation of the power of it that I don’t give it as freely as I once did.”

    Like mid 30′s I finally started to realize this and live it. Loving myself truly and not even worried about being alone. Loneliness comes and goes at times but I thank GOD scars and all for not allowing me to stay dealing with people and or situations that were to my detriment.

  • http://gravatar.com/blacksnob blacksnob

    I know. What’s crazy I didn’t even want a drama-filled relationship. I, like most girls in their late teens/early 20s who’d never dated, just wanted a boyfriend really badly and “settled” for the first guy who was nice to me. But I’m 35 now and that situation NEVER repeated after what happened in my 20s.

  • tiffany

    Sometimes that mess happens and there’s not much you can do about it but pay for it and leave him. It would hurt you more not to.

    I had an ex like that who – while out of work – was content to run up a cell phone bill on an account that we shared, which I then had to pay by credit card because I also had a car note and student loans and such.

    One night he took my car while I was asleep (!!) and had an accident (!!!). Oh hai $2K in repairs! Again, on a credit card. I calculated that over the 18 months or so we were together, he was directly or indirectly responsible for about $11K of my debt. Easily. And wondered why I didn’t want him back. “It’s only money.” Yeah man, and you ain’t putting none on these bills you helped rack up.

  • LaNubiana

    Toxic combo these two!!

  • http://[email protected] tiffany

    And it seems I am new to the Internet. I meant for this to be a reply to ?!?’s comment above. :-/

  • Kacey

    It’s amazing the things we put up with for fear of being alone. It took a string of bad relationships for me to finally come to the realization that I would rather be alone than be abused, cheated on and taken for granted. Being alone doesn’t have to mean being lonely; but there are few worse feelings in the world than sitting in the same room (or same bed) with someone who you love and still feeling terribly sad and lonely!

  • ?!?

    Guys like that love girls in that age range. They think you’re easy prey. I’m glad you course corrected though.

  • ?!?

    Wow! Yea I know there are a lot of people who just get in a relationship with the wrong guy but don’t realize until too late. But $11k! $10k! Y’all are making my head hurt.

    It’s only money? Wooh! Did he really think that you would take him back? Delusional.

  • eulapearl

    Wow!

    I completely identify with you. In fact, I had a conversation with a good girlfriend today about this very thing. While we both agreed that people love differently, we could not agree on the subject of ” when enough is enough”. I have a hard time understanding why its hard to leave someone who makes you feel like crap by cheating and beating on you.

    I am speaking as a young girl who witnessed violence – my father wassuper controlling and abusive when he felt the need to drivehispoin home on who the boss was, BUT I also had a mother that I watched develop a plan of escape, flee her place of birth with her two girls (who she lived for and was determined to raise) and move to another state over 1,000 miles so I’m not talking out the side of my neck.Its not normal. Its not love.

    Apparently, “I get it from my mama” She taught me never to value another over and above myself. Lesson Learned.

    I now have a tendancy to cut things off quickly and without regret. I’m not the ‘stick and stay’ kind of woman. So yes, I agree that you can throw people away…or out of your life…especially the self-serving and undeserving. I guard my heart above all else.

    I found out the hard way, a long time ago, that lwhile love may drive some crazy, LOVE itself is not schizo phrenic!

    I also do not believe that pain in love and the pain of loneliness are equal. If disrespect and violence are the alternative, oh well.

    #justmytwocents

  • MimiLuvs

    Ditto to everything that you’ve written. I am the same way. I can end a bad relationship without hesitation or regret. An ex-boyfriend once told me that I was a “head case” because I was able to cut my losses and never look back.
    I think I have inherited that ability from my mother, who left my father, after making the biggest mistake during their marriage. As a child, she always instilled in me to love myself more.

  • Me

    You can’t tell a controlling person a damned thing. Chad sounds crazy and desperate.

  • Becca

    I kinda feel like what BrokeJetsetter was saying was that people shouldn’t assume the worst of his situation. By stating “He’s already proven he’s willing to use force to attempt to silence her. What would he do to make it so she couldn’t leave?” It makes it seem like you guys are saying Chad will kill her next (God Forbid.) A lot of the article was about her experience but the narrative in the beginning makes Chad look like the devil. I think we should focus less on him and what he will/could do. Rather we should be focusing on ways to avoid and leave these situations because far too many women stay in these horrible situations.

  • jamesfrmphilly

    you can be quite alone without feeling lonely…..

  • jamesfrmphilly

    you should never hurt the one who you love…..

  • Whatevers

    Thank u- not having a relationship does not mean you are lonley. there are alot of lonley people in relationships-(

  • http://ittakesapair.wordpress.com ittakesapair

    I’m sorry, but messing with my money will lead to your first step out that door. Believe it.

    We live and we learn…

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