I Think We Should Have a Collective Response To Strangers Who Tell Us To Smile
Recently, two men I don’t know from a crack in the sidewalk really fucking pissed me off.
Yesterday I had to haul an ungodly amount of laundry to the dry cleaners about five blocks up the hill from my apartment. The overflow of dirty dress shirts and sweaty silk dresses had gotten so bad I was forced to stuff everything in my old-lady grocery shopping cart instead of the eco-friendly-because-I-reuse-it-so-much Ikea bag from like four years ago. Yes, I looked homeless.
I knew walking past the bus stop would be problematic as it’s the equivalent of a construction site. I got maybe three cart wheels away when a man yelled out how beautiful my hair was. I smiled, nodded, said “Thank you” and keep on pushing. But, of course, it didn’t end there.
“Do you fix it yourself?” I doubted the seriousness of this question, since it was coming from a balding man with paint-splattered jeans. I just ignored it and continued on my way. I’d already been polite enough. More polite than I had to be, since being polite isn’t the law. He kept yelling though, even when I crossed the street and I tuned him out like so much of the white noise in the urban jungle — cars honking, people cursing, etc.
“Miss? Miss! MISS!! Do you speak English?”
At this point, he was right behind me waving a wayward dress shirt in my direction. Apparently, in my haste to mind my business, one of my boyfriend’s shirts got lost to the cause. The man was pissed I didn’t sit and talk with him long enough to figure that out.
“I mean, these are your clothes not mine. What do I care?”
I thanked him again, grabbed the button-down from his fist and yanked my cart full of laundry the rest of the way. Did he deserve a “thank you”? I don’t know. Perhaps. But I was still annoyed.
The next morning, as I performed my daily routine of scrolling through tweets before taking my dog Miles for a walk, I came across something almost eerily prescient. It was a snippet of an interview with author Junot Diaz and NPR: “I grew up in a world…where largely I wasn’t really encouraged to imagine women as fully human.”
I contemplated the power of that quote while out on the street with Miles. Diaz is taking responsibility in a way for his own actions, even though he says they are involuntary. Just as I’ve been conditioned to be polite to men even as they overreach, men have been taught to ignore my discomfort because my value in our interaction is inherently less than.
And wouldn’t you know, while thinking thoughts in my own head, my sacred space, and therefore not being truly aware of the people around me, another micro-sexist incident walked right into my line of sight.
A large man who looked to be sane and in his mid-40s walked a fluffy white dog down the street Miles and I were about to cross. Still contemplating the meaning of Diaz’s quote and how men need to reevaluate their cloudy perceptions of privacy when it comes to women, I glanced at this dude’s dog, smiled and kept on contemplating. I had a running dialogue going in my head that I didn’t want to disrupt.
“Hey. Hey! HEY!” he called from the street. Thinking there was some emergency happening in the millisecond it took for our paths to cross, I turned ever so slightly.
“If I’m not afraid to speak, then why are you?”
Are you fucking kidding me? Could this really be happening? That as I was mulling over the imbalance between men and women in the public square, some strange man who I have never seen before demands that I speak to him only because he would like to speak to me?
Of course I was so mad that I smiled. “Oh,” I said through gritted teeth. “Hello.” Because that’s exactly what he wanted, I guess. To get an insincere greeting from a woman he doesn’t know only because he could.
Fuming, when I got home I immediately Googled the rest of Diaz’s quote.
“I was in fact pretty much — by the larger culture, by the local culture, by people around me, by people on TV — encouraged to imagine women as something slightly inferior to men. And so I think that a lot of guys, part of our journey is wrestling with, coming to face, our limited imagination and growing in a way that allows us not only to imagine women as fully human, but to imagine the things that we do to women — that we often do blithely, without thinking, we just sort of shrug off — as actually deeply troubling and as hurting another human being.”
None of the microaggressions that I experienced in the last two days were life threatening, not in a physical sense anyway. I wasn’t touched, but I still felt threatened and reverted back to the safe baseline of feminine politeness when all I wanted to say was, “Mind your fucking business,” or, “I’m not afraid of talking to you, I simple don’t want to,” — or silence.
I’m ready to wrestle with my own limitations and to start re-imagining my part in this screwed-up social hierarchy. First, I’m gonna figure out a stock answer, a go-to, for when I don’t want to speak or otherwise engage with men. I’m gonna recite it like a mantra until it’s written on my bones. I’m thinking something assertive and lady-cop sounding like, “Your attention is unwanted. Stand down. Now.” But I’d rather it rhyme because I’m ridiculous.
What do you say to men who try to make you play by their rules?
This post originally appeared on XOJane. Republished with permission. Click here for more Helena on XOJane!
I truly appreciated the complete sentiment of this post. I too have a PROBLEM with not only men attempting to demand my attention, but women too. People in general seem to have a greater since of entitlement these days. I often think to myself, “(1)I don’t know you. (2)We did not arrive at this place “together”. & (3)I wish this person would “give me 50 feet.”" Usually, I try to avoid eye contact, don’t comment when strangers attempt to have unwarranted conversations or simply just stare straight through them. One of my biggest pet peeves is when folks say random stuff outloud while standing in line (anywhere), then they get irritated when I don’t respond at all. Surely, I am NOT the only one. >>>Back to the subject at hand… to further solidify what you said about men’s blatant dehumanization of women, I have also heard men say things like, “I gotta get me some of that” or when speaking about a guys GF, “Is that you, man?” instead of asking “Is SHE your girlfriend?”. Men tend to regard females as objects. I am rambling, but you get my point. One thing about it though, if we as women don’t demand respect… we won’t get it EVER.
Yes, Ms.
One time I was in the market, picking up a box of aluminum foil. A guy who I had seen in another aisle sees me and then says, “I’m glad you reminded me!” after he picked up his own box of aluminum foil. I could see out the corner of my eye that he was waiting for a response from me. I didn’t say anything because I didn’t think his remark required a response.
Oh yea, when a man asks another man regarding a woman, “Is that you?” I get irritated too.
A guy who gave you your shirt when you dropped it and would have lost it pissed you off? and a guy who said “Hi” while walking his dog pissed you off by giving a standard greeting?
Where I come from, if you’re walking down the street and a man, woman, or child says hello to you, you just say “Hello” back or at least nod in acknowledgement if you’re an anti-social mood. If I’m in a “Hello” mood and I say “Good Morning!” to a man, woman, or child (but not so much for kids- they might be shy), they should say “Good Morning!” or at least smile or nod in acknowledgement. That’s just common courtesy. and not a dehumanization of my womanhood if I acknowledge that someone has spoken to me or an attempt to dehumanize another woman b/c I said something to her and expect her to acknowledge that another human being just said something to her.
It is not at ALL that serious.
and the guy who commented and got all the thumbs down is right: if men stopped saying “Hello” to black women on the sidewalk, there would be a bunch of articles about how we’re “Invisible Women,” no one loves or appreciates our beauty, blah blah blah. I think a great realization is the fact that with all things in life you gotta take the good with the bad b/c nothing is perfect. In this case, some days someone compliments your new hair style and you brighten up and say “Thank you!” and others people compliment your hair/outfit/beauty and you’re not in the mood, but you just smile, say thanks and move on with your life.
It’ll take 2 seconds.
It’s not a law, and if people don’t want to be bothered, even in greeting, they shouldn’t be. I don’t care where you come form. Don’t impose upon me.
This is why, in this culture, a woman can get beat up or murdered in the middle of an apartment complex, and neighbors who witness this, will turn their eyes away because they are, “minding their business.”
Excellent response. It really isn’t that serious. Disrespect is, but common courtesy isn;t.
Someone who imposes themselves on you doesn’t deserve common courtesy.
@pseudonym
I’m gonna have to completely disagree with you….
I was taught growing up to smile and greet everyone, but if you don’t get a greeting in return it shouldn’t affect you because you never know what someone is going through (ie struggling with 50 lbs of laundry). When someone is “nice” or “polite” and gets angry when it isn’t returned its a clear sign that their greeting actually isn’t genuine kindness to a stranger but a way to manipulate a situation to get something they want and think they deserve…whether its attention or ultimately sex. And when they don’t get what they think they deserve they get mad. Its just like when men harass women on the street and don’t get a response for whatever reason, the comments turn from “compliments” to insults quickly. Thats because he wasn’t really complimenting you genuinely. He was trying to get something he thought he deserved…and many women have now picked up on that and respond accordingly.
I consider myself a pretty polite person. I smile and greet strangers on the street all the time, but I can definitely tell the difference between when a guy genuinely greets you because he’s a kind person or he just wants to meet you and say “hi” VS. a man who seems to be demanding something from you…whose greeting feels almost like an intimidation. I don’t think women should respond to the latter (even if it takes 2 seconds) because besides the fact that your feeding into something really messed up, from personal experience it sends the wrong message and can get you into sticky situations.
I agree and I think that it is all in the tone of voice.
Unfailingly, when a man on the street speaks to me, it is done in a lascivious tone. And when I don’t respond, they’ll speak a few more times, which goes to show that them greeting me wasn’t done out of courtesy, but because they wanted something from me.
if you don’t get a greeting in return it shouldn’t affect you because you never know what someone is going through (ie struggling with 50 lbs of laundry).”
When someone is “nice” or “polite” and gets angry when it isn’t returned its a clear sign that their greeting actually isn’t genuine kindness to a stranger but a way to manipulate a situation to get something they want and think they deserve…
5 thumbs up :)
@pseudonym – thank you for injecting some common sense into this conversation. I thought I was going mad when I finished this article and thought the men she encountered were simply expressing normal human behaviors.
Yeah, I understand, the author may have not felt like responding to their friendliness – but helping someone with their laundry or saying hello to a fellow dog walker does not a sexist make.
Honestly, I can only imagine what these men probably looked like. They probably were not on her level in terms of socioeconomic class. “Balding man with paint-splattered jeans” reads blue collar and being too busy thinking about some NPR program and having your complex thoughts being interrupted by everyday life reads, inflated self-importance.
If anything, in this article, I read more classism than sexism.
You will hear of the violence we contend with in our community. You refuse any acknowledgement of attacks or violence much the same as these men.
@libpatriot – I made previous comments about how we fail to protect our young women when they are harrassed on the street by some of these older predatory men. Because women like the author and some of the commentors are forever in “I mind my business” mode with their Dr. Dre headphones, they ignore the harrassment around them. Douchebags will forever be among us. For us, like you and I, that are sane – men and women – let’s be more mindful of our environment and be a little nicer to our neighbors and protect our children and teens. When I was growing up – even before hitting thirteen, I had older men gawking at me and making comments. It was disgusting. But you want to know what else was disgusting – that there were other adults around in the neighborhood who didn’t stand up for me or other young girls because they were too busy “minding their business,” or telling friendly strangers to STFU.
Like I said, in my twenties, I can better assess risk and figure out when a situation veers into ugly territory. I just wish that when I was a teenager, simply taking a walk to the grocery store in the afternoon, a woman or man in their twenties would have told some of these older predators to back the hell up.
Like seriously, whatever happened to the concept of community and knowing who your neighbors are?
So, no I am not some kind of woman-hating apologist. I am simply saying, as others had observed, that the author of this post simply came off as rude – whether she were male, female, black, or white. If we want to talk about street harrassment – I’m all there. But being pissed that someone returned your laundry or said hi to you comes off as silly.
It’s so easy to throw the “It’s not all that serious” card, and just call it a day!
It IS serious!
(See the number and content of the responses to the article, for example.)
I’ve worked a number of angles in response to men calling out so-called compliments to me on the street (and, mind you, it’s always a group of men; I’m ALWAYS outnumbered):
- I nod in appreciation and keep it moving
- I smile and say “Thank you” while still continuing to walk away
- I wave a hello and keep it moving
If these men were to stop at “hey beautiful,” then there wouldn’t be much of a problem. I AM beautiful, after all. And I sure do appreciate folks acknowledging the truth that shall set them free anyway. BUT it never stops there! They always want to take my politeness as an open sesame to ask about my relationship status, to ask for my phone number, or to comment salaciously about one of my many juicy body parts. NO THANK YOU!
So the writer who was pissed off by these “polite” guys was obviously experiencing something like straw-that-broke-the-camel’s-back syndrome. Enough is enough!
The writer is NOT the problem!
Don’t blame the victim!
If these men were indeed polite and felt slighted in any way shape or form, then they have the thousand sleazy men before them to blame for ruining their chances at coming across as nice guys. These sleazy men CREATED the women who write these articles, the women who walk through the urban jungle with protective armor, the women who have to cultivate defense mechanisms just to walk down the street in peace!
You know what kind of men on the street I appreciate? The men who appreciate me in SILENCE with their eyes — not salaciously, not in a sleazoid kind of way, but with an acknowledgment of my put-togetherness, of my beauty, of my self-respect. What the heck happened to brothers just doing the double take and scoring their “eye candy” points in SILENCE? Now THAT’s the kind of male-to-female urban quickie sensual communication I can deal with. ANYTHING ELSE IS BORDERLINE TO FULL-BLOWN SEXUAL HARASSMENT!
Y’all remember that Queen Latifah song from back in the day?
Well, it’s still relevant today!
“Tryna make a sistah feel low?
You know all o’ that gotta go!
U.N.I.T.Y”
Thank you Pseudonym, Greg, & Jp!
I have no clue how “Smile.” became such a huge display of chauvenism. I see men greeting other men they don’t seem to know all the time (usually black people, though). Why is it a problem when they greet women? Whatever happened to general courtesy and neighborliness?
I like saying hello to people (there’s a sweet little old man who says hello to me every morning as he powerwalks past me waiting for the bus to NY–and he’ll say it twice to make sure I heard it if my back was to him or if my headphones are on).
I also like smiling back and waving at people (with the sheer number of people who live in NY, I have yet to understand in the short time that I’ve been living in the area why getting a chance to share a mutual smile is so unbelievably difficult, so I appreciate it even more when I come across a pleasant stranger).
I understand that street harassment happens all the time, but I never let it put me in a default funk towards men who have the “gall” to speak at all. Not every man who speaks to me is trying to get in my pants. I know because a lot of the “hellos” stay at hello, and a lot of the “Smile, why you look so mad” end with a smile and two people continuing on their path. And for those that don’t, my end of the conversation always sounds like “nah, I’m good,” while their end no longer matters to me after I’ve shown my disinterest and kept walking–as long as I don’t feel unsafe.
There’s a difference between hello and harrassment. I don’t let the existence of one get confused for the other.
What kind of world would we live in if no one ever spoke to anyone they didn’t know? It would be very silent and lonely, I know that much, because every friend you have was a stranger until one of you spoke and the other responded.
I think it depends on your culture and where you live.
Pay close attention to brothers greeting one another on the street. Take note of how often they say to one another “Hey man, smile! It can’t be that bad brotha” in passing.
I’ve seen it as well, occasionally.
So basically you’ve missed the entire point of this article.
And THIS is one of the main reasons that men continue to feel justified in doing this. Thanks for making it clear Dawn.