Let’s Talk About Sex — Or Not

by Demetria L. Lucas

I got my rule on how much to say, or rather, not, about my sex life from, of all people, Wendy Williams. I was a 22-year-old intern at Russell Simmons’ Oneworld and Wendy had just returned to New York radio for a second stint. I’d been sent to her studio to talk sex and other personal topics with the woman who was again putting everyone’s business in the streets weekday afternoons.

Wendy was gracious with her answers to my invasive questions, except for one thing. The line upon which there would be no habitual stepping was anything that pertained to sex with her husband. I don’t recall my question, but her answer was something like, “Whether he’s hung like a pimple or hung like a horse, I don’t discuss that with anyone.”

That made sense, and so I’ve spent the decade since sitting quietly as people around me spill their sexy time tea. When I asked around, I found some women shared my — and Wendy’s — outlook when it comes to talking about “private acts,” which is: Even when they want to, they don’t.

Of course, that only applies when it’s someone they care about. If it’s sex with a fling or a one-nighter? That biz is all in the streets. “I used to ask for penis pictures and share them with my friends,” one lady recalls. “After having sex with a new man for the first time, I would tell my friends every detail of the affair the next morning at brunch.”

Another friend added another exception: “I was abstinent for close to three years,” she recalls. “When I ended that, my ‘wife’ [her best friend of 10 years] got all the details.”

When it came to relationships, most women I spoke with kept their business close out of respect for their partner or to avoid the varying opinions of friends who could cloud their judgment about the relationship. “Everything isn’t for everyone,” one friend explains succinctly.

My married homie says the only thing she can recall saying about her husband of seven years is, “He’s the best I ever had.” She adds, “Other than that I have no desire to share.”

Another friend warned of sharing because “it can lead to vagina envy.” She didn’t want to inspire jealously and seemed a bit afraid that if she shared how good her partner was, another woman might start sniffing around for a sample of the goods.

But then there were the friends who spilled, some more freely than others, whether they were committed or not. “Everyone needs that one person who they can share things with, even that ‘very private time’ you spend with your mate,” says one woman. “Even if it’s just to check yourself.”

Another friend says she had a “You spill-I spill” policy, which means she only tells all (or most) to friends who do the same.

And yet another had a reason for spilling that I never considered: “I have trust issues with women, and I admit in my efforts to trust more and feel a connection, I do blurt TMI sometimes,” she confesses.

It was during an over-sharing conversation that I began to rethink my keep-it-to-yourself rule. I was talking to my  “Samanatha”-esque friend, who is actually in a relationship but still shares all the details of her sex life with me. I was dying to tell someone about what happened the time I … and then he … and then we … oooh-weee! And I figured nothing I said would really blow her mind. Plus, it would be good for her to understand how awkward it’s been to hang out with her boyfriend, like my brother at this point, knowing the noises or outlandish dirty talk he does in bed (or wherever else their activity takes place).

“Like Sam, But Not” was whispering to me about what happened the night before because her man and my man were walking in front of us. She said, in great detail, how she did this one wild thing, and I think, “oh, hell no! This chick is on some next ish now!”  even though I keep a straight face. Then she follows that up with something else that I’m not sure I heard right because of the whispering.

So I asked, “ Oh, you [insert imaginative thing here]?” And she screwed up her face and said, “Oh, God. Ugh! Who does that?!” because apparently even my freakiest friend has boundaries and limitations. She laughed and the boys turned around to look at us.

I think, “Oh, $h!t” because that thing that my wild friend thinks is appalling, that thing that I asked her about? That’s the thing I do. Well. I was embarrassed, but I had no plans to stop doing it. I did, however, decide not to start talking about it.

Demetria L. Lucas is the author of A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life. ABIB is available to download and now in paperback. Follow her on Twitter at @abelleinbk.



  • OSHH

    @ a young age, my Granma(RIP) told me to never discuss what I do sexually with my man/lover with other women.

  • Ann

    I don’t share that information. My best friend (since 2nd grade) has a tendency to tell by my facial expression if I’m satisfied or not. Even with her, I have never discussed that aspect of my relationship. Over the years, other areas were more of an interest.

  • gwaan gyal

    I dont share that info..some stuff you gotta keep to yourself

  • cosmicsistren

    I think we should be talking about sex more not less. I wish I had more women friends to talk about sex with. When done safer it can be healthy and quite satisfying. Women need to hear about it. Women can learn from other women how what to do and not to do.

    I didn’t get why the author didn’t want to share with her friend her stores. Is it a competition? Ugh…whatever.

  • MsKris

    In response to cosmicsistren: What does competition have to do with anything? I’m a grown woman if I want to know more about sex then I can peruse the internet, read a book or watch a video. There is nothing wrong with talking about sex with your homegirls. Howeever that doesn’t mean you have to disclose intimate details of your own sex life. I don’t need my girlfriends to divulge to me their intimate details with their man or whomever to “learn from”!! If they want to tell me as entertainment that’s on them. If they want to talk general, I’m with it. However, what I do in the bedroom with my boyfriend, turned fiance and now husband is my business!

  • OSHH

    EXACTLY @ MsKris. I’m not understanding how folks intimate details would be educating anyone outside of the person they sexing, maybe having these discussions with your actual lover would be more prudent, since folks are individuals with individual likes/dislikes sexually.

  • http://theantifash.blogspot.com The Antifash

    I can talk about sex all day, I just don’t share what goes down in MY bedroom (or any other room for that matter) with MY man. It’s Noneya.

  • Patience

    Not something I discuss with other people and I don’t care to hear the stories of others.

  • Smilez_920

    What ever makes you feel comfortable. I can see younger females 18 – 21 talking to a close friend about certain sexual experiences. Probably because they’re young and sex is still pretty new to them. But as a grown woman I wouldnt share every little detail with anyone and everyone especially about my husband or serious lover.

  • http://www.hellinahandbag.me Hellian

    I think what some of what comicsistren is saying is lost. I totally agree that women (of all ages) should talk more about sex and not less. I agree that informed, safe sex is definitely healthy and satisfying. We get advice on dang near everything else, why not talk to someone about sex if you have questions or want to test the waters.

    I don’t however, share her frustration about the author not sharing the stories. I’m commenting because I think comicsistren’s comment is valid and readers may be focusing on the latter half instead of all of it.

  • http://stimulatemymind.wordpress.com hpymrzsimmons

    I’m really reserved when it comes to discussing the bedroom activities between me and my husband. I had a friend several years ago (we’re not friends anymore) who actually got offended because she felt I didn’t share enough about my sex life. Well, that didn’t convince me to share anymore. I just feel like some things needs to be private, between me and my man. I have heard not to share too many details with friends because they may start to “want” your man too. I don’t really worry about that too much. But you can’t be too careful. Also, I’m the only one in my “group” of friends that’s married so I would never want to come off as if I’m bragging. The most I have told my friends is that it is good. Even though I might be replaying in my mind what happened just last night, or earlier that day, I don’t disclose the details. All they need to know is that my hubby makes me one happy woman. That’s why I’m usually smiling. *wink*

  • http://www.goodlooknout.com mrsmarieyoung

    I say DO NOT DISCUSS! Women are some complex creatures and what goes through their mind when it comes to YOUR MAN can be a hot mess. I’d rather not give another woman ANYTHING to think, ponder or dream about. Get your own business is what I say.

  • justanotheropinion

    Other than a funny situation/story or legit issue, personal stuff is best kept personal. If you feel the need or brag or complain – you’ve got an issue. Best friend or not, some things are better left unsaid. Not everything you do needs an audience (before,during or after).

  • http://gravatar.com/bossladi bossladi

    Two things you should never talk extensively about “Your money, and your man” Great Article.

  • http://gravatar.com/nolakiss16 binks

    Bingo! I never really understood getting into the specific details of what you do; don’t do in your bedroom, how big is he, etc. I think some things have to be reserved and should remain within boundaries and contact of your relationship and the details of your sex life should be one of them. Besides, I always wonder how the siginificant other feels, because surely as hell I would feel some kind of way if my boo would to let loose in explicit details how we get down…um negative!

  • Dumkoff


    Your old @ss still aint married yet? Damn!

  • BreaktheCycle

    really? -_-

  • Mt Sumner

    Heightist B****es.

  • Patience

    You’re back.

  • Sanura Hart

    Keep it to yourself.

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