Male Virgins: Turn-on or Turn-off?

by Risa Dixon

While watching a repeat of the show “Girls” on HBO Tuesday night, the episode where the character Shoshanna was abruptly turned down mid-sex scene because she confessed that she was a virgin was on. The male in the scene “gently” let her down by saying, “I don’t do virgins. Virgins get attached. Virgins bleed. They get attached when they bleed.” After I laughed like a crazy person, I began to wonder if women felt the same way about men who are virgins. Are they an instant turn-off or a turn-on?

I must say that things have indeed changed from my high school and college days, in terms of what turns men on and off. I remember when taking a girl’s virginity was something young men prided themselves on. It was some sort of an “accomplishment” to say you “popped a girl’s cherry.” Now, in my adult years, men talk about dealing with virgins with an air of dismay. They want someone who is experienced, knows what they like and knows how to receive pleasure as well as give it.

From conversations with my eclectic group of girlfriends, I have heard pros and cons when it comes to dating a man who is a virgin. The majority of the pros came from my Christian friends who were either virgins themselves or made the decision to remain celibate until they got married. They argued that it is beneficial to be with someone who shares your same values, and that it would be special for the two of them to give to each other something so sacred. Then one of my girlfriend’s, who is sexually active, said it would be fun to date a virgin because she said it would be a thrill to teach him how to get down. She would be able to mold him into the exact kind of lover she wanted, and it would be a great feeling to know that the guy would never forget about her if the relationship didn’t work out.

Of course there were the ones who were completely against dating a man who was a virgin and viewed it as a major turn-off. Their arguments ranged from not wanting to be with someone who they had to teach about how to do everything sexually, that the idea of taking a man’s virginity just wasn’t appealing and that they wouldn’t want the man to have an unhealthy attachment in case the relationship went to hell.

I wonder if much of the opposition stems from the idea that a man should be the one to take control and handle his business in the bedroom? Let’s be honest, even the most independent and self-assured women have admitted to wanting a man who knows how to take over in the bedroom. Dare I even go as far as saying there is a double standard, possibly sexist notion, that women who are virgins are prized and men who are virgins past a certain age are corny or not considered “real men.”

Ladies, we want to hear from you. At this point in your life (whatever point that may be), if you met a man who was a virgin would you be turned-on or instantly turned-off?

  • Alexandra

    Neither. I find myself turned off at men who’ve been around the block.
    However, I’ll take a virgin. Inexperienced or not, we all learn eventually.

  • Charle

    Christian girl here, so the idea of a guy who’s waited (preferably for marriage, like me) is a definite turn-on. Guys are hit with so many messages that their number of sexual conquests equates to their worth as men, so the idea of finding a guy who recognizes the inherent stupidity of that is a prize in my eyes.

  • binks

    There is so much misconceptions about virgins and why people are waiting that it’s funny. I personally hate the lines of “molding virgins to be the exact lovers they want…” um..when did this become some Dom/sub type relationship o_O or that they want “someone with experience or know what they’re doing…” just because you are sexually active doesn’t make you great in the sack let’s be honest…personally as one I have no issues dating a guy who is or isn’t as long as we connect and he share similar thirst, fun, and outlook when it comes to sex I say bring him on….shrugs

  • Greg Dragon

    Awesome topic and thank you for taking women to task on the double standard with the virginity preference. I am eager to see the replies since this is a question that is rarely asked. You would think that we men put enough pressure on our brothers that we know are virgins (by clowning them hardcore) but to hear that women are even about dissing them is just brutal.

    On the flip side there are a lot of men who shy away from female virgins all the same (myself included). The stigma of the clingy first-timer exists for us probably more than it does for women. To be honest I would say that most of my friends would stop talking to a woman once they find out that they would be her first. Sorry Lolo…

  • Sick

    “male-virgin”, isn’t that an oxymoron? Never heard of such a thing. At my age if he is a virgin, something is definitely wrong!!!!!!!!!

  • G

    nigga u gay

  • Mrs. Jones

    You’re gay for calling another men gay.

  • lol

    took the words right out of my mouth…

  • Lady Ngo

    Its neither a turn-on nor a turn-off. Its just a part of the package. Just because someone is a virgin doesn’t mean they don’t know their way around the bedroom. On the flip-side, just because someone isn’t a virgin doesn’t mean they are automatically going to be some dynamo in the sack. Heck, all women are different so technically every man that sleeps with you the first time has to “learn the ropes” so to speak.

  • lol

    where are the male virgins????

    names and numbers pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeease!

  • African Mami

    I don’t care. If we have great chemistry, that’s all that matters to me.

  • lol

    @ Greg

    you said,

    “…thank you for taking women to task on the double standard with the virginity preference…”

    and ,

    “…we men put enough pressure on our brothers that we know are virgins (by clowning them hardcore) but to hear that women are even about dissing them is just brutal.”

    but then you go on to say;

    “…there are a lot of men who shy away from female virgins all the same (myself included)…”

    so how is it a double standard?

    aren’t both sexes being denigrated and rejected for their chastity?

  • Patience

    Like a lot of other people here, it is neither.

  • Pseudonym

    Interestingly, I’ve never witnessed a friend be clingy to her first sexual partner like the stereotype claims. Hate to break it to you, but most women’s first time (or first 10 times even) are NOT mind blowing. They’re more like “This is IT?!!! But the head was so good!!!! Even the hands were good! I’m confused.” and over time we finally work our way around to good and then (if you’re lucky) great sex.

    Great sex the first time and even partner around are rare occurrences.

  • Anthony

    As a guy who was later than average in becoming sexually active, I can say that there is a good chance that the man will act like he knows what he is doing, and won’t admit anything. The woman will probably figure it out quickly that he is not too experienced if she is experienced herself, but if he doesn’t bring it up, just let it be because the man may be embarrassed by his lack of knowlwedge.
    In my case, my first partner was not very knowledgeable either, so we ust fumbled our way through a lot of fun! It was in the second and third relationships that I realized how much I did not know but I did not have to admit to being virgin!

  • African Mami

    lool!! Goes to show that sex is NOT rocket science.

  • Anthony

    That is so true! The idea that a man knows what to do because he has slept with X number of women is silly because each woman is going to have her own set of buttons that she is going to want to have pushed, and no one is going to get in bad with someone else and automatically know how to a partner happy.

  • African Mami

    a hymen being popped is not exactly orgasmic!

    Great sex, can take YEARS!!

    -great points, pseudonym

  • PinkPantiesandLeopardLipstick

    I’ve never been in the situation and def don’t personally know any male virgins my age. I seriously doubt I’d diss him though… To be honest the thought is quite refreshing!

  • luvlife289

    Nay…somebodies gotta have a lil practice.

  • luvlife289

    THIS^^^^ A topic I would love to see explored!

  • Srenda

    Ok, I’m gonna be honest here so male virgins please don’t take offense. Most of these are my issues. Anyway, I looooved male virgins in my early 20′s. I thought they were awesome and most eager to learn. I’m In my late 30′s now and I got to admit the idea of a man my age or even older being a virgin is a huge turn off. I respect someone waiting for marriage but often times I think it might be possible that if a guy is still a virgin at nearly 40 that he is somehow terrified of being that close and his being a virgin late in life is symptomatic of that or that no one found him desirable enough to have sex with him. Or he is severely sexually repressed .I also realize that may not be the case but I think I just grew up thinking that no man waited for marriage to have sex too far past the age of 21. Maybe there were just too many horny a* *ed men around when I was coming up. Most especially Christian ones…

  • bossladi

    I would be turned off… as liberated as I am! lol ( Double Standard and all).

  • Ravi

    I was a virgin into my 30s. Nothing wrong, just a lot more self control than the average man.

  • writergirl

    This is interesting to see the array of views. For me personally, I share the view of the Christian friends mentioned in the article as I am also Christian. However before being saved, I also found virgin males to be of value for this reason.

    Many years ago, my male friend expressed to me his desire to keep his virginity for marriage. He explained that in his culture it is fine for men to have premarital sex but a shame upon women who do so. He said his reason is that if his unknown future wife can wait for him, then he would wait for her and many years later has kept to his word. I learnt that these types of guys do exist, and as someone who is now celibate, I think that a guy that will wait for marriage is worth waiting for.

  • Sanura Hart

    Agreed.I feel the same way

  • Gradgirl

    If people want to have safe and responsible sex, have it. There is a lot of pressure for any first experience, so the expectation should not be too high. The partner needs to be patient and understanding otherwise there could be problems. I personally do not care the number of people my new partner has been with as long as he is sexually healthy, STI free, and willing to ALWAYS wear a condom when we have sex.

  • Courtney**

    Can’t do it, won’t do it. I lost my virginity at 16 and have been having sex for a decade now. I didn’t actually know what amazing sex was until my boyfriend at 23… took me from having sex that pretty much didn’t feel like anything at all to having multiple orgasms, and I can’t go back. I know myself sexually, know what I want, and need a man who knows what he’s doing. Anything less will not be a sexually satisfying experience, and I’m not going back to the days of risking STDs and pregnancy** for mediocre sex. No judgement on those who wait, just not for me.

    **I’m in a monogamous relationship and on birth control, but nothing is 100% effective

  • JC

    Our community’s STD rate is pretty high for us to be complaining about virgins of any gender. Don’t forget, we are leading the pack in new HIV infections.

  • Anthony

    I know I sound corny, but what if you actually fell in love with a virgin? Would you be willing to work with him to get what you want in your sex life?

  • John

    Well I’m male and I can’t speak for women but I would prefer a girl with a lower nmber of sexual partners then a girl who has a high number of sexual partners. I’ve only had 1 sexual partner who at the time really meant a lot to me. Now I regret it. Sex isn’t that great and if I ever have sex again I would want it to be with someone I had a true mutual caring for who I could trust. I would have sex with someone who didn’t just want it for the pleasure or stress relief. Though I would want it to mean something. Self respect is one of the most attractive qualities I find in a women. I also have a lot of respect for guys with fewer sexual partner’s also. There is more to a relationship then just sexual experience and plus sexual experience could be built over time with that person who means a lot to you. The issues that go through my mind with a person with a lot of sexual experiences from either gender are manipulation, lack of self respect, possible ability of catching or starting an std and the fact of possibly being used for sex. There are some aspects of that list that are affected by how much the person has changed. I know of people who date less or who just can’t seem to get a date that are truly good guys and truly good girls of average looks in both genders. I think though people in general should be looking less at what a person has or hasn’t done, why they are the way they are, and how much they’ve grown or changed. Some of these things won’t be known if we don’t give people a chance. Just saying some things as simple as being virgin shouldn’t matter. There is less of a chance of starting or spreading std’s and it shows that the person has a lot of self-respect, that they’re not manipulative (in a sense to just sleep with the opposite gender and leave), and it shows that if they do lose their virginity to you that you mean a lot to tha person. I know some people won’t see or care for any of these but it shows more about their character then the virgin they’re dating.

  • Dana

    Hmmmm this is a tough one, I’ve never dated a virgin before and I guess it wouldn’t bother me it’s kind of a double edged sword, pros and cons and also comes down the the relationship and the individual also.. But myself personally wouldn’t bother me and if a virgin decides he wants you to be his first well I think it’s kind of sweet that he trusts you enough and cares about you enough..

  • gertrude

    If losing your virginity is so special then you probably shouldn’t share that fact with the guy you just met on the bus/in class/at the bar

    source: hearing that literally makes my penis go soft

  • chibiabos

    I think that I had a similar experience. Except that she didn’t admit she wasn’t as good as she wanted me to think and she wouldn’t shut up about how special it was for me to be losing my virginity

  • Denver

    I’m a male virgin in my 30′s but I’m not the type that has been waiting. I’m just not lucky in general. Never even kissed a girl. I think it’s all about if a girl is attractive to him and has nothing to do if he is a virgin. A girl who is not attractive to a man will pity a virgin. A woman who is attractive to the guy but doesn’t want a relationship will probably try to make move on him first and she would probably like the thrill of trying to take his virginity… But if she thinks he’s NOT wanting a relationship then she will back off but its because she doesn’t want a relationship and he might. Girls that want to be in relationship, will want to take virginity on his time to make it special.

  • Frogley

    Im 23 and a virgin. Im certain some girl will go drooling over me because A: I have my own life and respect myself. and B: I chose not to have sex until I found a girl who would appreciate it.

    I believe sexual experience is overrated! If you love your partner you will find a way to please them. maybe the first couple times wont be so great but I will research and practice constantly with her so she knows im pleasing her! Plus have a game plan to be creative! Treat her to something special on both ends and she will indefinitely be thinking about you all day! :D

  • Mr. Gila Bangsat

    The real issue here is REJECTION within the growth cycles of the male and female human body’s. Men desire sex much earlier than women. I for one wanted to be sexually active at 12. Even-though I appeared to be a handsome 15 male, I was only 12. Was there any female taker’s? Of course not!…not any that I could find, anyway. Since men desire sex much younger, being rejected takes its toll on the mind and body.

    I, as an early bloomer, was traumatized by rejection. Some people even made me feel as though I was a freak or was some kind of “sex-crazed demon” because I wanted sex so young. The girls my same age thought sex was disgusting so I approached girls who were 15-18 hoping for a mercy lay. Back then I knew what I wanted and was ready to take control with no fear (all the things a girl wants in an older guy) but as an early bloomer, I was humiliated by both the virgins my same age and by promiscuous older girls. By 14, the rejection was unbearable, so I slumped into a depression. I gained enormous amounts of weight. By the time I turned 15, most guys I knew (average bloomers) were scoring their fist lay and even some getting more action than I could imagine. My best friend (14) did the Hispanic “lunch lady”. She must have been 23 (back in 1992), he offered her a 18k gold bracelet (worth hundreds of dollars at the time) after school and told her that if she wanted the bracelet, she would have to have sex with me watching as a spectator. She agreed! I couldn’t believed it!

    The meeting went as planned. She drove a GMC conversion Van with a fold-down mattress in the back. She drove us to someplace quiet. As I watched, she was slender, beautiful, with magnificent breasts. Neither her or my friend were shy to let me watch…. I asked her if she would “do” me as well, but she said she doesn’t F**K fat guys… that was the closest I would get to sex until I turned 28.

    Here is the catch 22: In order for a man to be confident and “Take Control” in the bedroom when he is older, he can’t be ruined with rejection when he is younger. Women are the ones who provide the rejection, then later on in life they want a man that is confident. The confidence that a man has when he approaches women stems from his previous successes with the opposite sex. If a young boy (early bloomer) is rejected all the way into his late teenage years… he is probably going to be a virgin for a very, very, long time.. and not by choice. The psychological damage of rejection causes obesity, personality disorders, shyness, and encourages reclusive behavior. I am 36, emotionally screwed up, rejection by women has destroyed the very fabric of my being. There should not be a stigma against pre-teens who want to be sexually active.

  • Danielle

    Hi Cousin, this is Danielle…lol….I am currently dating a virgin and I find his sexual innocence to be a huge turn on.

  • Ron

    Why cant I find more women like you? Ive been single for over four years because I can;t find a women who isnt turned off by that I am a virgin. I dont know if Im just drawing the short end of the straw, or there are a lot more women who are turned off by it.

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