Whenever my girlfriends want to get back at their significant others, they know who to call: Me. I’m the writer, I’m the daydreamer, I’m the Scorpio — I’ve always been the one with the very best, super devious, “gut-punch-dat-ass” ideas.
Throughout my many years paying petty — I’ll admit it — retribution to those who have seriously wronged me, I’ve learned a thing or two about the game of revenge. I call it a game because that’s exactly, precisely what it is–in the end, I could actually, very possibly lose.
Of course, that never stopped me. Below, my words of wisdom on retaliation should you be looking to resolve any deep-rooted resentment:
1) Make Sure You’re Really Done
Nothing feels worse than dealing with the aftermath of making a permanent decision to a temporary problem. If you’re not really done with your significant other — I mean really done, then hold off. The path to revenge is paved with thorns and stones, and what they say is true: Revenge is a dish best served cold, so take the time to truly process your emotions. There’s no rush; you can wait a while. Besides, nothing blindsides better than getting revenge three to six months down the line. Any longer and you’ll look extra crazy.
2) An Eye For An Eye
Speaking of looking crazy, in order to not look “super-duper-fucking-starship-trooper-fucking” crazy, make damn sure the punishment fits the crime. For instance, if you’re pissy that he’s having dinner with his ex’s parents, don’t immediately access his email account and pretend to be him to send her entire extended family a slightly crude message that may or may not include the following sentence:
“[Name redacted]’s pussy stinks and her asshole is loose, but I found it that way.”
(Hey — I was young, plus I’m a great writer. I kick out zingers in my sleep.)
Whatever course of action you decide upon, choose wisely. And this should go without saying: DON’T DO ANYTHING ILLEGAL. (How incredibly horrible would it be to end up in jail?)
3) Be Ready To Pay The Price
Most importantly, you have to understand that there are almost always repercussions involved. As Confucius so geniusly alluded to years ago, know that getting revenge will likely fuck you over in some sort of way, too. It may not be instant, but karma is indeed real and she will dropkick you right where it hurts when you least expect it.
All in all, revenge ain’t for the faint of heart. And while the very best revenge is looking good and living great, you know how it is — sometimes you just can’t help yourself.
If you’re up for it, tweet me at @IndiaJewelJax — we’ll figure out an amazingly clever way to avenge you and your broken heart.