Why Two People In An Interracial Relationship Shouldn’t Argue About Race
I had a fight with my boyfriend this past weekend. Which isn’t exactly headline news for most people, but we hardly ever fight. And when we do, it’s usually over something so trivial it’s embarrassing to think about once we’ve both calmed down. Is Lady Gaga a truly unique artist or is she completely overrated? Is “American Idol” a reliable source of finding legitimate talent?
Those types of debates are not about pop stars or televised talent competitions. What is usually at stake is our egos. We both hate to be proven wrong so much that it borders on pathology. But this latest argument was different.
We were in my car, talking about a little bit of everything when the topic turned to race. I’m black and he’s white, so the subject comes up frequently. Ninety-nine point nine percent of the time it involves horrendously offensive jokes and hysterical laughter. This was the .01% when it did not.
The taboo topic du jour was whether or not something had to be intentionally malicious for it to be considered racist. I argued that of course it did not. I was operating off of a complex conceptualization that embodied both individual discrimination and systematic and institutional injustice. It was the “racism equals prejudice plus power” equation that is the corner stone of most sociological, psychological and academic anti-racist arenas. By that definition, only white people possess the ability to be racist because they are the ones that hold the power.
My boyfriend was having none of that. He was steadfast in his belief that for something to be racist, it has to have harmful intentions. And what did he use to prove the accuracy of “his” definition? The dictionary. Merriam Webster’s mobile website version to be exact.
I was livid. Actually, no, I wasn’t livid just yet. More like baffled. I’d been with this man for nearly two-and-a-half years. How was I just now discovering that he’s one of those white people? The kind that has no clue about racism yet has the audacity to try to debate about it. The man grew up in a nearly all-black neighborhood, has mostly black friends and possesses a full deck of honorary black cards. We even joke about how in some aspects, his degree of “blackness” is higher than mine. All that and he doesn’t even know what racism is? How the hell did that even happen?
In my opinion, “my life” was enough to articulate why I was right and he was dead wrong. But when I told him that, he brilliantly countered with, “No, that’s not what racism is. It says it right here on my smartphone. See?”
The fact that he thought an 11-word definition had more credibility than I did was beyond insulting. It was hurtful and it displayed a level of arrogance and prickdom I didn’t think him capable of. Bottom line, neither he nor Merriam Webster are the authority on racism and the concept is far more complicated than either of them can capture in only a handful of words.
My definition came from countless collegiate classes on the matter, tons of books and papers, an advanced degree and working and volunteering for nonprofits whose mission is to offset the systematic implications of racism through tireless service. Oh, and from also being black for the past 28 years.
I’m the black one. We make the rules. Duh.
But later, during our post-argument argument, I realized that Merriam Webster isn’t the only thing that shaped his interpretation of what racism means. His definition of the word has been molded by spending a childhood getting his ass kicked for being the white boy in the mostly black neighborhood. My boyfriend begins to list his own terrible racially based experiences. These are things that I knew about, but had completely neglected to consider in the midst of my own anger. I was so busy being offended that I forgot he had reason to be as well.
Uh, not even sure if I should bother responding since it seems EVERY TIME there is an interracial type article it gets shut down for no apparent reason.
The writer needs to respect her boyfriend’s experience. It seems she was not being realistic about her man. Sure, he likes black people, and he hangs with black people, but he is not black! I think about someone like Kid Rock, who I suspect genuinely likes black people, and he certainly loves his biracial son, but the man is a white Republican.
It’s just a fact that different people just see things differently. Clearly, your boyfriend is a decent guy, or you wouldn’t be with him. If you want someone who pretty much sees race your way, you need a brother.
I don’t think this is a clearly black or white matter. It is a matter of how one sees race. When I was in college I was talking about racism with another black lady and she gave me the blankest look. Finally, she told me that she couldn’t relate, because she’d never experienced some of the things I had. In high school I would have said the same thing because I hadn’t yet moved to the racist area where I lived. It caused me to realized that there are so many factors that determine how one sees race and racism. So rather than needing a brotha, I think Black women need someone who will listen to and respect their experiences, and they need to do the same.
I understand your definition of racism, I really do, but it doesn’t go far enough, especially when you think of your boyfriend. The Black kids he grew up were racists because since your boyfriend was the minority, those ignorant kids had the power. Sure, you can argue that those kids acted as a rebellious response to systematic racism that whites put it in place, but that’s doesn’t counter what they did.
White people are not the only racists. Black-on-black ethnic genocide in Africa is still racist. When Black people talking shit about Mexicans= racist. Asians hating on black people = racist too. Everyone can hate on everyone.
THANK YOU! maria i did a video on this subject (which somehow ended up on bossip.com – _ -) and so many people attacked me for bringing this up! they even titled the video “black girl goes in on black people” all i was saying was how black people can be racist as hell too,yet people don’t believe it’s possible.
i couldn’t believe the nasty things people were saying to me simply for asking why it’s okay for black people to say racist things to others and not have any consequences. SMH
I have my opinions on life in general and it doesnt change no matter whose in my presence. I’m not sugarcoating anything race,religion,gender,sexual orientation,politics,sports whatever. Race especially in this country is still dysfunctional in many ways and I’m going to speak in injustice rather my man is black,white,latino,asian,indian. Thats one of my issues with interracial dating/friendship there is this idea that everybody should be all kumbuya,thats why we never can get to the root of issues because people wanna pretend like oh just cause we cool,so is the rest of society um no doesnt work like that. Your man sounds like just because its not the Jim Crow days everything else is harmless
The author of this article draws the following conclusion: “But, I was wrong to think that I was the ultimate authority on the subject simply because I’m black.”
Right. The ULTIMATE AUTHORITY on RACISM is WHITE PEOPLE. They’ve perfected it down to a science. If anyone is ignorant about racism it’s BLACK PEOPLE.
In fact, I suspect the boyfriend was practicing racism when he pulled out the Merriam Webster’s dictionary definition of racism knowing that white people wrote it so of course it isn’t going to illuminate any truth about this white supremacist system.
So-called interracial relationships are just S.A.D.D.:
Nice codified response
Yes. Also, in a system of racism white supremacy why would any white person tell any non-white they are being mistreated due to color? @Xojane you were dating a racist white supremacist. Would a pickpocket convince you that they were stealing your wallet? No. It’s his job to make sure you think racism white supremacy doesn’t exist to the point were he say’s he is the victim of racism. A racist will do anything to make sure the topic is off of white people. Distraction is the key and it works on a majority of non white people. You most def need to follow the logic of the situation. He should be doing everything to stop racism white supremacy.