Be Honest: Do You Really Like Black Men?
Do you like Black men?
That’s not a trick question, and there’s no right answer. Just whatever comes to mind.
I realize the fallacy in that question. It’s not like I’m asking about chocolate chip ice cream, which no matter the brand has a pretty uniform taste. Black men are as varied as, forgive the analogy but it’s apt, snowflakes in that no two are entirely the same. But in general, when you think of Black men, what do you think of? And is that something you like?
I expect the knee-jerk response from most Black women will likely be, “yes,” if only because it’s the answer you’re “supposed” to give and to say “no” opens the door for accusations of self-hate and possibly to hear, “Well, well, we’re not too fond of you either, you know?”
But I ask, even if I’m expecting a chorus of “yeses,” because it doesn’t seem as so many Black women do. I’ve noticed — perhaps you have too — that conversations about Black men, or even boys, often devolve quickly into a theme of “why don’t they have any act right?” as if every Black man has gone to hell in the proverbial hand basket. When I hear many women speak of their proclivity for interracial dating, I often — but not always — hear the reason is because Black men can’t do right or get it together, to put it nicely. Even from the Black women who swear up and down that they’re not into interracial dating and only want a Black man, I still often hear a litany of angry complaints that generalize them all as liars and philanderers, who can’t be trusted to commit to education, much less one woman or stick around to be a daddy to the kids they fathered.
If you’re a woman who thinks that way — and I don’t expect that anyone will admit it — I don’t blame you. That’s not to say I think Black men are generally bad, just that I understand it’s partly a result of the undercurrent of the popular American story that goes Black women are lascivious, angry, and big. And Black men? Well, to sum it up, they ain’t $@!#. We’re practically bombarded with these messages so it can be a hard narrative to escape internalizing for even the educated and deemed sensible, and especially so, if your personal story includes a father who didn’t stick around, a series of men who did you dirty, or you grew up in place where you looked around and didn’t readily see any man hardworking or upstanding enough to disprove the stereotypes. I get it.
I also get why women who think this way, wouldn’t be inclined to do much to change it. Part of it is a defense mechanism to avoid being hurt, likely again. Or maybe they’ve been privy to overhearing or reading male conversations that either deem Black women the lowest of the low or even at best, don’t take our needs, wants, or desires into consideration, as some Clutchettes in the comment section to yesterday’s story on young Black men and education. There, an attitude of “why should I do what you don’t?” emerged and I get that too.
But I’ll suggest to you, if this is your outlook, that it’s doing you more harm than good. Complaining about what’s wrong with Black men and what they don’t do doesn’t change whatever you may perceive to be wrong with Black men. “Ain’t ish” and “about they ish” men exist in all colors, even Black. And if all the Black men you encounter ain’t ish, I’ll skip my go-to Katt Williams quote about assessing yourself and just ask you to look elsewhere until you find some who are.
If you’ve observed also that Black guys don’t care so much about what happens to you or women who look like you, I’ll even still suggest that you still take an interest in what happens to them, anyway, even if you don’t go so far as to advocate in the streets or city hall for their interests. That’s for no other reason than because if you’re hetero and dating Black, at some point you will encounter a man worth caring about, and too, a community doesn’t thrive ever when half of its members don’t care about the other.
That might mean you act as the bigger/better person and go with Ghandi’s adage and being the change you want to see in the world. Maybe your first step can build a bridge to reciprocity. Or maybe it can just keep you, if it applies, from becoming (more) bitter since you’ll be a catalyst to change instead of a complainer about all that hasn’t yet.
Demetria L. Lucas the author of A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life. ABIB is available to download and now in paperback. Follow her on Twitter at @abelleinbk
maybe not american black men and what they’ve become…
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I am going to ask this question again. Where is male CHOICE.
Like I said in another post my father told me mother he would rather be the man to raise me instead of another man. He did not want another man to take care of his responsibility. My dad made a choice. My dad also went to college and he is in his sixties. So he grew up in time where things were much worse for black men, but he still managed to do what he had to do.
SO…
Who are these women that asked to be abandoned in mass? Where is the CHOICE some men make as well. Many men even if they married a woman could still leave her if they wanted to. Many of them make a CHOICE to stay.
And lets please stop pretending black men do not talk negatively about black women.
Also I agree that Caribbean and African men as a whole do not act like AA men. However, ignorance and cooning has not always been apart of the AA collective. I’m sure many older AA men have little or no respect for the young generation of men today.
“Who are these women that asked to be abandoned in mass? Where is the CHOICE some men make as well.”
Ok Chrissy – please get off the CLASSIC SISTA RHETORIC. This is what brothas mean by sistas have been making the same talking points since before I was even born.
I love this concept of abandonment. The main reason why today’s black women don’t get much sympathy from younger black men is because many of us grew up believing the one sided lie that it was ALL BLACK MEN’S FAULT. Then when we came of age most of us started to realize that women were not the perfect angels that society and our mothers led us to believe.
We watch young black women’s actions as they choose men clearly unfit to be the father only to complain about his abandonment or absence later.
This is how I know many (I’d like to say most) black women do indeed father children with sorry black men – 0 discretion.
Bring most of these guys back and they have nothing to offer their children. No skills, no leadership qualities. Not even good manners.
You see women like to put the blame on the person, (get this,) that they claim that they can clearly out think – hence why he’s not qualified to lead.
On what planet can the supposed smarter person blame the supposed dumber person and get away with it?
“And lets please stop pretending black men do not talk negatively about black women.”
Oh black men most certainly talk negatively about black women – the pot boiled over – that was at least 20 years in the making. It was only the last 5 brothas have spoken out. Prior to that it was barbershop talk – and there would always be some simp in there who was raised by their mother whose father was a deat beat – so you couldn’t even voice any grievance because CaptNSave would come swoop in and hit you with the almighty.
“YOUR MOTHER’S BLACK!”
“aww damn well if you take it there, I can say nothing now.”
Eventually brothas said BUMP THAT – ya’ll be getting away with entirely too much, and took to the internet.
Female what?? You “males” kill me, HTF do you come onto a women’s site and your first two words blatantly disrespect (black) women. Female f*ing what?
@Chrissy:
Empirical research (and common sense, really) tells us that the best decision you can make for a child is done long before they are born. Good parents breed good
children. What’s the root cause of this problem? YOU make the ULTIMATE CHOICE of deciding who the father of your child is. Quit making excuses.
Like that isn’t destructive enough, you buy into a system that sabotages natural order. Have you ever wondered why the same white feminists that lead you blind matriarchs to the slaughter, subscribe to patriarchy? Talk about being misplaced priorities.
Yes, black men as a collective aren’t saints and they can do much, much better. But the truth is that many are damaged and were, save for divine intervention, doomed from birth. Go research prison statistics. Hell, look at these posts to see how grown black females exhibit pure hate for black boys. Black males are already public enemy #1 in society but I guess that’s not enough hate. And you expect them to take you seriously when they grow up and have more appealing options?
When I say that many of you have the critical faculty of infants, this is exactly what I mean. You will keep losing.
@Barbara, I’m not here to cater to your insecurities. Not all females are women. As a corollary, I don’t expect an intelligent input from you.
I agree. And its bc of the atitudes expressed. Almost all my friends have married black men abroad african carib etc bc of this reason. Its a shame but real. And they still complain steada asking why. Sorry how i feel
Not the American ones. Give me one from the West Indies or Africa
Not all black americans are like this. I agree that west indies or african oftem are hard workers & good providers, some in my experiences are possessive & controlling from what I understand that’s due to how they are raised in their cultures.
Yeah, they are “possessive” and “controlling” but their communities are stable, progressive, and for some magical reason, have figured out how to navigate America without being a perpetual underclass. Keep drinking the Kool Aid.
Thought it was me my girls married ghanian , jamacian whatever men much to their families distress im sure but american men presented too many issues
Yep, SMH
So why cant AA men do the same? Oh wait. It is the women’s fault.
@Chrissy, obviously my central point went way over your head. Read the comment again so I don’t have to spell it out to you.
Lets not have the AA vs West Indies argument. Atleast in America West Indian men are just as bad. All those statics aren’t seprating men of West Indian decent , in America they are considered black and part of the number . Go to New York City just as many West Indian men act up as AA men . And Im sure in poorer areas of the West Indian countries they suffer from crime , males being in the streets or in jail, lack of educational resources and father -less homes .
Wait, no comments on how horrible we are yet? I’ll wait…lol(not)
Of course I like black men. I like all people until that individual gives me a reason not to.
Thanks for writing this . Im sorry but what I saw in the comment section of yesterday’s post was sad. I saw a bunch of hurt. I understand the hurt but damn we were’nt talking about grown men we were talking about children. Not saying some of the commenters didnt have good points, but the theme of the article didnt call for what ended up being a ” if they don’t do it, why should I “. All the article was suppose to do is shine some light on something positive going on in our community. Since most of the news about us is either controversy, violence in our community or celebrity news.
Now before anyone jumps down my throat, I am fully aware of some of the hurt these women feel. Some blk women so hated/ under valued by black men that all they can do is put that energy back in the air. But I will say that some women have a tendency to gravitate and try to make men who don’t like them or ( us) and try to change them or change themselves to fit this particular black mans fantasy. The thing is ignoring our young black boys our (sons ) and our daughters will not make the situation any better. Just another generation of underdeveloped black men dealing with grown women who feel under valued and that doesn’t create a healthy community.
And for the women who push interracial dating like it will solve every blk women’s ” woo’s” I say to them what I say to blk men who think white women ( non blk women) are the answer to everything ( put them on a pedestal) . ” good for you , if that person makes you happy great, but don’t put down every black man/ woman because of your own mishaps. Keep that negativity to yourself because your not helpin the situation . ” I always wondered how the partner of the opposite race feels when the black partner goes ” I’m dating you because blk men/ women don’t know who to act blah blah” .
I agree with you. Yesterday’s thread was a mess. The article was a positive one, but some of the comments were hateful right from the beginning. I think, if you want to attract positive into your life, you need to be in a position to accept positivity. That can’t be done if you are hateful and bitter. I have come across a lot of screwed up, nasty, and hateful black men and women, and guess what? I left them right where they were. You don’t need me in your life and I don’t need you in mine. It really is that simple, and that goes for everybody. If you aren’t a positive force in my life, you won’t have the pleasure of being in my life. There is no benefit in carrying around years and years of hurt and pain. You are really missing out on life if that is what you choose to do.
What I noticed from the article is that some/many don’t like black men but, when the conversation switched to black boys, it became clear to me that some just don’t like black males in general, child or adult. It was as if guilt, evil and unimportance is implicit in humans “afflicted” with a Y-chromosome.
Well said.
I would hope that the partner of the opposite ethnicity would end the relationship. I wouldn’t want to date anyone if I felt that they were using me as an escape route.