I’ll admit Nicki Minaj is over the top. With her plethora of gaudy outfits, dubious lyrics, an abundance of unfitting wigs, and split personality, her sanity and talent is often questionable. There are three things, however, that are completely undeniable: 1) Nicki Minaj is culturally relevant 2) She’s making a multitude of mula 3) She’s never been a gunslinger and has never claimed to be.

I’ve been taking in the feud between Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj, both new judges on American Idol, over the last few days. After seeing the TMZ footage, I immediately took to my Twitter to blast the brightly colored pixie for dissing the more experienced diva. Yet, we only see what we’re allowed. Once the facts begun to roll in, predominately anti-Nicki, my irritation with Mariah’s sympathy card grew.

After hearing that Mariah was going to “hire extra security” and that Nicki’s behavior made her emotionally uncomfortable, I had to stifle the erupting laughter inside of me. Roman? Pink nails, Barbie cars, overt sex appeal, give-em’-whiplash Nicki? I was almost determined to delve into Google to make sure there wasn’t another female emcee with the same name.

Over the last few days Mariah’s been playing her “frightened white girl in an urban neighborhood” side of the race card. We’re told that Mariah made a disrespectful comment about a contestant before the debate manifested, but all we’re privy to in the footage is the explosion of Minaj and the calm of Mariah. In a phone conversation with Barbara Walters, her sudden fairytale godmother, Mariah expresses a victimized concern — seemingly the innocent Mariah attacked by Nicki’s “otherness.” Her husband, Nick Cannon, also plays into the role with his picture perfect painting of Mariah’s poise. “[Mariah] is the strongest and the classiest woman that I’ve ever met,” he stated. “She signed up to do a job to help young people accomplish their dreams and [the spat] is like a sidebar. I hope that’s not what this show becomes about, the catfights.”

Sorry Nick, can we rewind to a few years ago? Eminem, remember him? The guy who rapped about dating your wife, distastefully dissing her? Yeah, you two weren’t so elegant and dignified then.

Cannon was sure to let Eminem know he wasn’t all Nickelodeon hype. “Man to man, let’s meet up and deal with this like adults,” he wrote in an awkward and quickly removed blog entry. “This is my invitation to you, whenever and wherever you like sir. So when you come out of your introverted hiding place and ask your bodyguards if you can go out and play by yourself, I’m here Pimp!” Mariah’s response to Em’s lyricism was a bit more melodious. She created the song “Obsessed,” in which she portrays a feminine and stalker Eminem.

Now I would certainly consider Slim Shady a more threatening emcee than Nicki. He definitely is more prone to gangster and sadistic lyricism. Carey, nonetheless, didn’t seem to feel vulnerable in this situation. She played it cool. She even found it beneficial to pull her “down” card claiming that Em got it “poppin’ in the hood.”

Although Mariah was called several “bitches” and “whores” throughout Eminem’s record and was very aware of the ex-gangster crew who he ran with, she never felt it was necessary to hire extra bodyguards or fall into emotive instability. Conversely, an emcee that is immersed in nail polish, fragrance, and pink frightens her to the core. Interesting.

The jig is up Carey. You can’t play the defenseless white-girl-in-distress mode unless you’re actually being threatened by someone … threatening. You certainly can’t play it if you and your husband were the king and queen of call-out during your Eminem fiasco. Your statements are riddled with fear as if Next Friday’s Baby D called your bluff. Where was this trepidation when the Caucasian emcee called you out?

Nonexistent. That’s where.

I’m unsure if the pity party is because of your need for attention since your last album didn’t achieve the platinum status like the previous ones. I’m still trying to figure out if it’s just a bout of jealousy — born from the rumors that you slammed down the phone upon hearing that Minaj would be alongside you on the Idol panel. Perhaps it’s just another tab on the diva like behavior you’ve been flaunting all these years. Whatever it is, your exaggerated notions have smeared Nicki into a corner where she doesn’t belong.

As black women, we’re notorious for pulling one another down and feeding into the stereotypes society lends to us. The media consumes this and puts us up for display: emotional Sarah Baartmans in HD cages. Because of a childish intolerance, you weren’t able to deal with Nicki’s quick advance, especially with her lack of experience. Thus, you’ve started a rampage to tarnish the image of another woman to advance your own career. How dignified.

Shuffle on Mariah, we see you B. (B is a slang word likely short for “brother” or possibly “boy” or used to address a friend or associate. Just in case you needed a jogging of your memory.)

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