“More about butt sex?” asked Emily.
“No, no,” I said, “Eating butt.”
“Oh. Well, that should be fine.”
I’d been sitting on (heh) a post about eating ass for a while. While not for everybody, eating ass seems wonderfully democratic; everybody has an ass. Men, women, gays, straights, in-betweensies, starfish. I hear a-holes are like opinions, because I get most of my sex advice from novelty T-shirts.
I’m not opposed to being a champion b-side player, in theory. I’ve been with some kinky dudes but it’s just never happened for me. But having relentlessly quizzed male and female friends alike on the subject, I can surmise this:
1) A lot of guys are getting their butts eaten and LOVING IT.
2) Your friends get kind of weirded out after the third or fourth time you ask them if they like to eat ass.
I’m finally at the blissful age where you no longer feel you have to pretend what you like or don’t during sex. I think porn and peer pressure make a lot of us ready to say that we can come just by having a guy drape his nuts on our eyes, if guys thought that was a hot thing for women to like.
So I’ll just say, I am fundamentally indifferent to having my basement cleaned. It took me a long time to admit that I do not have a bunch of spare clitorises hidden around my body like Easter eggs, but there it is. While I love giving head, anything involving the butt does zero for me.
(If you’re one of those women who insist they have an orgasm via anal sex or giving blowjobs, enjoy. I’m not here to fight you. But until guys run around making commensurate claims — “I came just by eating her out! I did not even have to rub my penis against a single surface. No penis touching or rubbing was required!” — I don’t necessarily buy that these people are doing anything beyond “enjoying giving somebody else an orgasm and being turned on in the process.”)
So: I’m as naughty as the next girl, but anything below the Mason-Dixon line during cunnilingus just sort of feels like a well-meant wet-willy. That said, I do hear many guys complain that women don’t eat enough of their asses.
Logistically, eating a guy’s ass has always presented a problem for me, because I am loathe to surprise anyone during sex. Women who love to put a finger in a guy’s ass will tell you emphatically, “Just do it!!! THEY LOVE IT” but I’m wayyyy too empathetic for that. (Cancer, Cancer Rising — all we do is feel and give.) I personally do not like to be surprised in this fashion (a good friend calls this phenomenon “The Dolphin” because of the noises of protest you make), so I would not surprise a sex friend with the same treatment. That’s just me, though. Put whatever you want up there, if you like it.
A few weeks ago, I was just sitting there, not thinking about eating men’s asses, when I received a review copy of a book billed as a real-life “Fifty Shades of Grey.” And because I’m an unstoppable sex pest, I immediately read “Laura Meets Jeffrey” cover to cover, which is never the way to go.
I love a good erotic memoir. Hell, I love a BAD erotic memoir. I’m just a huge fan of the genre, because I’m a pervert and reading is fundamental.
You should not consume “Laura Meets Jeffrey” in one go. It feels a little like eating an entire pizza in a single sitting, except instead of pizza, it’s an ass.
There’s lot of ass eating in this book, is what I’m trying to tell you. A lot. It follows a verrrrrry libidinous gentleman and the horny lady he meets through their sometimes sexy, often disturbing sexual odyssey in 1979.
Apparently people in that time thought nothing of strolling around with a friend and a coke spoon necklace, stopping off to DP a hooker before hitting the discotheque. Apparently, they also knew what most of my friends or women’s magazines have been unwilling to tell me: b-hole munching is the single greatest thing you can do for a person. Better than giving them a kidney or buying them a pretty little house or sending flowers “just because.” It’s like throwing them a surprise party, but the venue is Their Ass and the guest is Your Face.
That’s how much Jeffrey Michaelson, the author, likes his ass-play.
(I should add, here, that the titular Laura speaks in parts, in parenthetical “As Told To”s to the legendary Legs McNeil, with a foreword by Norman Mailer. I know. Let’s not try too hard to commingle thoughts of Norman Mailer and eating ass less the twains should horrifically meet.)
Jeffrey is old school. He likes his women unshorn and his sex unprotected and filthy. Most notably, he laments that women today don’t lick enough ass. Or rub it. Or suck it. He describes an amazing older lady in his 1979 brothel of choice (they used to have classy brothels in East Village office buildings, probably where NYU kids are now buying their frozen yogurt). She would swish a client’s anus with mouthwash and then suck on it for an appreciable passage of time. Jeffrey gets a little uncomfortably “Ancient Chinese Secret” from there: He suggests that regular butt licking is a time-honored way for women in Asia to control their husbands.
Like I said, Jeffrey is old school.
He likes his private areas unfettered, untrimmed, and eaten like a State Fair pie. But don’t go in there dirty — he’s big on a warm washcloth, mouthwash or, in a pinch, vodka. (The 1970s, everyone!)
For the coupled, he insists that a great bonding activity is giving his your partner’s dick a warm-water sponge bath and then massaging his taint, buns, and asshole with oil while he relaxes in front of his favorite television show. I don’t know what it said about me that I was immediately like, “Wait, but what television show???”
Friends, I’m not a square. I’ve done some stuff to people that would turn your hair white. But it was usually because we were together for a long time, or because I was a sophomore and somebody gave me mescaline tea.
I’ve long thought that the guys who want their asses eaten will be like, “Hey, Julieanne. What’s up? How’s it going down there? If you have no objections, could you maybe eat my ass a little?” Also I usually have sex with an earl during the middle of an English high tea service.
I think I probably have the same worries about sucking on a man’s asshole that many of you may.
One, it’s not necessarily a given that he will like it, and don’t you sort of have to… get…in there? While I’ve always known that there are guys who love it, I’ve never heard it treated with the universal affection reserved for blowjobs, or the out-and-out-disdain for the poor, misunderstood handy.You’d never hesitate to suck a man’s dick because he didn’t come out and ask politely for it.
Two, we tend to think of the ass as dirty. Let us, grownups and sexually open-minded people though we are, not kid ourselves about the primary function of the asshole.
As Emily helpfully pointed out, it comes down to preparedness and enthusiasm. So, do you just go for it? I’m worried about trying it too often because New York is a surprisingly small town, and I don’t want to get a nickname like “Dine’n'Dash.”
I think I don’t want to go in there unless I know 100% it’s a-okay to do so. It’s possible that the guy isn’t into it and he’ll go into lockdown, I’ll be trapped in his butt like a bank safe in the Most Awry Heist of All Time.
Unless dudes are all secretly committed to babywipes and crack depilation, there is the potential for some funk. I’m not being squeamish, I’m just saying: It can be a bit of a hairy, swampy abyss. But these are the same reasons some unenlightened men won’t go down on women, so I’m going to make an effort to change the way I think about sucking on a butt. Especially if it’s as delightful as Jeffrey makes it out to be.
If you think about it, it’s so easy, just a hop, skip and a jump from the dick (note: do not actually hop skip and jump on a taint, very bad to do) for easy access during a lying-down blowjob.
It’s gentler and more impromptu than pegging or even putting a thumb up there. There’s no additional equipment needed and no potential for actual physical pain. (Unless you have adult braces, in which case, where is your erotic memoir? I would like to immediately read it).
Sex is, by its very nature, sweaty, squirty, and silly, punctuated by schlorpy suction and leather couch sounds. I like some kinky stuff as much as the next horny weirdo, but this has remained kind of an explored frontier for me. I’m not a germaphobe, either! I don’t expect a guy’s balls to look and taste like clean, liquid nitrogen creme brulee globes from an experimental dessert bar. I expect them to look and taste like a hairy sack of glands. I like sex to be a little dirty and sloppy, which is why reading “Laura Meets Jeffrey” made me a little nostalgic for a time I never knew, a pre-”Reality Bites,” disease-ignorant idyll of full bushes and anuses licked to sparkling.
I think it’s possible to be safe and clean without stripping sex of its essential dirtiness, and I’m afraid that our generation doesn’t get that part of the fun of sex is that it’s fucking disgusting.
So here are my questions. One, if, as Jeffrey says, treating a man’s b-side like an everlasting gobstopper is the surefire way to win his heart, why don’t more people talk about it? And two, do you guys do it? I’m asking you: are you all out there, eating a bunch of ass?