Talking to the Lovable, But Misguided Sexist in Your Life

by Danielle C. Belton

“All black women are crazy,” he said, unsolicited, out of nowhere, in an email.

What prompted the statement didn’t really matter. But my friend Schwartzie (not his real name) still threw that out there, never expecting that it might be interpreted as offensive.

Schwartzie, a black man, said it as a joke to me. Not a good joke, mind you. But it fit his usual, kind of “Chris Rock-style” observational humor where he says the most stereotypical, shocking, odd thing. And depending on the delivery it’s either met with chuckles or out-right hostility.

Only, Schwartzie is a “professional guy,” not Chris Rock.

The lazy, unintentional sexist is always the most frustrating one because he often doesn’t make the connection between the words flying out of his mouth and his larger actions. He doesn’t see himself as a “sexist,” but simply “keeping it real.” He’s the sort of guy who will hire a woman, depend on women, work with women, fall in love with women, be an all-around gentleman and polite towards women, choose – over and over – to be around nothing but women, but then will say infuriatingly tone-deaf things like, “All black women are crazy.”

In Schwartzie’s case, his life is filled with black women who directly contribute to his happiness, as well as his personal and professional well-being, yet he likes to complain, constantly, about this hypothetical, crazy black woman of who is supposed to be the “norm,” and all of us – the non-crazies – are aberrations.

This is a man who is sad, and near impossible to deal with, when he can’t see his wife. Who primarily works with women. Whose best friend is a woman. Whose career is bolstered by the influence, support, and management of women. Who is a “Mama’s Boy.” And who respects and values me despite being born of permanent tan and temperamental va-jay-jay.

He’s simply insensitive in the most fratty, bone-headed way, often influenced by other men with checkered relationships with black women. But he’s also the sort of guy who has spent most of his life winning at nearly everything he touches. He sometimes loses his empathy for not only women, but men who don’t fit his worldview as well. Yet, when actually confronted with someone outside his circle, he’s as understanding and caring as anyone would be.

His heart is politically correct, but his language is engendered, sexist, and sometimes rife with stereotypes.

Schwartzie works with nothing but women. And these women are sometimes offended by him, but say nothing even when he hurts their feelings out of a mixture of loyalty and engendered expectations.

Oh, they complain about it plenty. To each other. To me. But Schwartzie is such a sweet, charmer that most women – and black women in particular – give him a pass. Some even find ways to agree with him, even when what he says sounds completely ridiculous.

It’s sometimes about being in the “middle.” Being both black and a woman, often you are so aware of the plight of black men that you want to be protective of them, even when what they’re doing is borderline idiotic, potentially harming themselves and others.

But it’s also about the path of least resistance. Where you put up with the comments to be “one of the boys.” To be accepted. To get the job. To avoid harassment. To avoid being labeled “uncool” or a prude.

So much of being a woman is about getting along –  even when it’s the last thing you want to do. Women who break the “go-along to get-along” rule are outcasts – not only despised by men, but intensely disliked by other women.

But it’s not fun for Schwartzie to shout out: “Certain status conscious, looks conscious, competitive black women I used to date are crazy.”

So all black women it is.

Hahahahaha … no.

When I got Schwartzie ’s crazy email of crazy black lady stereotypes, I knew I had to respond instantly. Not because it was the right thing to do, but because GOOD LORD, he’s my friend. What if he said that mess to the wrong person? What if he got labeled a horrible sexist? What if his reputation ended up trashed? What if he potentially offended all those OTHER women who aren’t me that he depends on for love, work and support?

Coddling him (and his lazy worldview) wasn’t doing us any favors. And after I called him on it – in the most polite, but blunt terms possible – he backed down, admitting he may have been influenced by one of his more “Bitter Brother” friends. But I reminded him that if I wanted to lose all nuance and be intellectually lazy, I could make the mistake of ranting that every black man is moody, bitter and emotionally crippled to near comatose levels, who despite complaining incessantly about black women are overly dependent on some black woman – in the form of mother, wife, girlfriend, baby mama, sister, grandmother, BFF or the Virgin Mary.

But that wouldn’t be fair. The most stand up and dependable man in my life is my father. And one of my best friends is a man who is among the most kind and altruistic people I know.

Out of respect to them, my other male friends and relatives and black men who have protected, loved and supported me I judge all emotionally crippled male Negroes on a case-by-case basis.

I told Schwartzie all I’ve ever asked is that he do the same.

 

  • MEEPING

    he sounds like a jerk. stop playing with the animals

  • Billy Paul

    Bill Paul says, “[b]eing a hyper-sensitive negro may not result in the rewards initially sought.”

  • Ask_ME

    Dear author,

    There is nothing lovable about a sexist. Both you and this man need to do some serious soul searching.

    I guarantee had you said something like, “Black men ain’t sh–” in reply to his comment, he would have ceased considering YOU lovable and more than likely he would have grouped you in with all those “stereotypical black women.”

    Meanwhile, you seem all to willing to give HIM the benefit of the doubt supposedly because his “heart is politically correct” (whatever that means). This is one of my main issue with black women collectively–far too many are willing to sit on the pity black men bandwagon even when that pity comes at YOUR expense.

    Bottom line: Find a new friend AND stop excusing/accepting nonsense.

  • lol

    “This is one of my main issue with black women collectively–far too many are willing to sit on the pity black men bandwagon even when that pity comes at YOUR expense”

    THIS!

    MO’EFFIN THIS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    knowing full well they would never do the same for you.

    smh

  • dirtychai

    Yes, I MO’EFFIN that as well!

  • Pseudonym

    Did anyone think that was Tyrese in the pic at first quick glance?

  • Pseudonym

    Men in general think all women are crazy, from every racial background. Did you ever read that article about “Gaslighting?”

    “Gaslighting is a term often used by mental health professionals (I am not one) to describe manipulative behavior used to confuse people into thinking their reactions are so far off base that they’re crazy….And the act of gaslighting does not simply affect women who are not quite sure of themselves. Even vocal, confident, assertive women are vulnerable to gaslighting.

    Why?

    Because women bare the brunt of our neurosis. It is much easier for us to place our emotional burdens on the shoulders of our wives, our female friends, our girlfriends, our female employees, our female colleagues, than for us to impose them on the shoulders of men.

    It’s a whole lot easier to emotionally manipulate someone who has been conditioned by our society to accept it. We continue to burden women because they don’t refuse our burdens as easily. It’s the ultimate cowardice.

    Whether gaslighting is conscious or not, it produces the same result: It renders some women emotionally mute.

    These women aren’t able to clearly express to their spouses that what is said or done to them is hurtful. They can’t tell their boss that his behavior is disrespectful and prevents them from doing their best work. They can’t tell their parents that, when they are being critical, they are doing more harm than good.

    When these women receive any sort of push back to their reactions, they often brush it off by saying, “Forget it, it’s okay.”

    That ‘forget it’ isn’t just about dismissing a thought, it is about self-dismissal. It’s heartbreaking.”

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/yashar-hedayat/a-message-to-women-from-a_1_b_958859.html

  • http://www.twitter.com/ThisIsMissRae MissRae

    I thought that was Kirk from Love and Hip Hop Atlanta

  • paul

    “The lazy, unintentional sexist is always the most frustrating one because he often doesn’t make the connection between the words flying out of his mouth and his larger actions. He doesn’t see himself as a “sexist,” but simply “keeping it real.” He’s the sort of guy who will hire a woman, depend on women, work with women, fall in love with women, be an all-around gentleman and polite towards women, choose – over and over – to be around nothing but women, but then will say infuriatingly tone-deaf things like, “All black women are crazy.”

    _______________________

    chuckles

    things that make ya go mmm

    mmm?

    I’m a non-elective INtentional sexist. I wouldn’t be one if I didn’t have to be.

    YOU made me this way.

    LMAO!

    Really nice post though.

    Tip toeing out

    before I get crushed in the humorless ball breaker stampede that’s coming.

    LOL!

  • ?!?

    Lots of these men exist. They know plenty of decent black women or they run into non-stereotypical black women all the time that they don’t pay attention to, but when they don’t get their way in their sex life, they start complaining that black women are crazy because the women that they want won’t “act right.”

    As someone said, if you had sent an email calling black men crazy, he would not have been as understanding.

  • OSHH

    @Pseudonym, “gaslighting” causes alot of health problems. Self dimissal is never good, folk need to express their thoughts and feelings in a healthy manner.

  • Erin

    Thank you for mentioning this! Really explains a great deal of what happens to women.

  • Neke Neke

    ” the plight of black men …..”
    Getting really tired of this excuse. Seems black women tend to hold onto it far more than black men. Being a victim should make you more aware of how you could potentially harm others, not turn you into an abuser.

  • apple

    he is someone i could never be friends with…sorry

  • NOitAll

    MO’EFFIN to the third!

  • http://museandwords.com NinaG

    It’s definitely a case-by-case basis but it’s amazing what can happen when we actually engage about ‘isms on the most personal level.

  • http://gravatar.com/nolakiss16 binks

    BOOM! Couldn’t agree more, no offense to the author but this letter reads more of her trying to convince herself he is a good friend then convincing the readers. As sistah Maya Angelou says, “when people show you who they are the first time…believe them.”

  • fancypants

    Exactly, because if you never engage them and challenge theri way of thinking they will never change. But I agree, it’s definitely a case by case basis…

  • Do better

    The get the F off the site! PAUL

  • Do better

    LMFAO at the title of this article. There is absolutely NOTHING lovable about a sexist. I know that’s a hard pill to swallow since the overwhelming majority of American men, ESPECIALLY black men are raging misogynists, but it is what it is. Just cut the fat and move on.

  • ChillyRoad

    Saying that an overwhelming majority of anyone is anything is very ignorant. What if someone said an overwhelming majority of black people were__________. How would you feel?

  • Jay

    Women aren’t sexist when they call all black men “dogs”, or attack gay men just because they don’t want them? Oh.

  • http://theblackgirloncampus.blogspot.com Peace

    One of my guy friends (if you would call him that) is the same way. He talks about how all black women are crazy hoes. When I protest, he tells me that I’m not like most typical black women. Yet, when I look around the only “crazy hoe” I see are the horrible depictions on Basketball Wives and Maury.

    Some people just don’t understand the difference between stereotypes and fact.

  • http://gravatar.com/rastaman1967 Rastaman

    Where are these mythical figures who never utter anything that another group of people cannot interpret as offensive based on their race, gender, age, class, religion or sexuality?
    I may have the same chance of meeting such a person as seeing a unicorn, so I am not going to hold my breath.
    I got mothers, sisters and many close female friends and many of them know me well enough to know that whether I said something that could be interpreted as sexist it does not change how I relate to them as women. It must be very difficult for so many women to go through life demanding to be treated equally but being shocked that being verbally offended is part and parcel of the package.

    Men verbally offend each other every day that is a big part of our interaction with each other. That the author’s friend freely express such statements in her presence maybe his way of saying I feel at ease with you, you know me and what I represent and so I no longer have to censor my speech around you.

    If you go around looking for offense in this life you don’t have to go far to find it. She may need to strap a pair on as life doesn’t often give an F for your feelings.

  • paul

    For real, I guess you reckon this is your spot.

    But you’ll never be able to completely avoid men you don’t like.

    I hope they show you the same kindness and tolerance you’ve shown me – whoever and whatever you are.

  • The Patient One

    Raging chauvinistic, misogynists.

  • ChillyRoad

    @Do Better

    And if you actually think American men and black men are raging misogynists than its because you have NEVER been out of America. Im in the UK now and there is a little girl, being treated for a gun shot wound to the head that she recieved on her way to school in Pakistan by the Taliban for advocating education for girls.

    Please shut up.

  • Ravi

    and your overgeneralizing black men makes you a racist. congrats

  • Eric

    Sexist men do very well with the most beautiful women. It is even doubly true for dealing with BW

  • Mademoiselle

    @Rastaman
    Life may not give an F for your feelings, but usually the basis of friendship is that the 2 people involved do care about each other’s feelings.

    Not only that, but the argument that someone could say/do offensive things in life, but it shouldn’t matter to certain people in his/her life because they get treated differently is one of the themes of this article. What kind of friend sits around and lets their friends piss on the world unchecked just because they aren’t pissing in their friends’ direction?

    Finally, if you think anyone in your life who is capable of degrading others and not you, especially when you can identify with the other people that person is degrading, you’re sadly naive. Don’t be surprised if that friend is using what s/he knows about you as an example for why people like you deserve to be trashed when you’re not in earshot (until the day s/he slips up and says it in front of you).

  • LMO85

    YES TO THIS 1000 times.

  • http://twitter.com/Author_JGail J. Gail (@Author_JGail)

    Your post is so enlightening, and yes I have heard of gaslighting. A trick to make women feel as if they are the ones who are crazy. I’ve always been quick to either correct men who make sweeping statements about all black women or remove them from my atmosphere completely. We should not feel responsible to coddle ignorance in any shape or form!

  • Love Sosa

    meh, nothing wrong with a few sexist jokes here and there. nothing wrong witha few racial jokes here and there. depends on your relationship with that person.

    i’m sure he only makes these comments to her because he believes she either doesn’t take them too seriously, or is aware of his personality.

    i say keep him around as a friend, you guys obviously mesh well together. if i couldn’t make cracks on me friends for fear of them being offended, man we’d be boring. we crack all the time. still love them all. it comes with a respect/understanding.

  • Youwishyoucouldbeme

    It’s funny because I once had a friend like this, but I dropped him and never looked back. A lot of these guys want to make every Black woman crazy, and they will stop at nothing to prove themselves right. I think there are too many Black men out here who don’t act like this, to waste my time with the ones that do.

  • Chocl8child

    Sounds like excuses are being made for said friend…

  • justanotheropinion

    I appreciate your article, but there ain’t NOTHING lovable about a sexist (or a racist, or a homo-fobe, etc.). Period.

  • cabugs

    Hmmm. I’m starting to notice something interesting about the comment sections on certain topics. Notice how almost every guy (I’m assuming they are guys based on their usernames and what they said – sometimes alluding in their comments that they are indeed male) is on the side of the man mentioned in the article; basically dismissing his allegedly sexist comments as just jokes, or perhaps not so sexist. Also notice the sheer number of thumbs down they are receiving. Obviously, this site is female dominated, and African-American/Black dominated. It worries me that there is such a disconnect between how black men and black women are thinking, and this reflects in the comments. I know that women and men, regardless of race, in general do have differing opinions on matters, but i don’t know…for some reason, this comment section is very worrisome to me. Now I have to say, I haven’t exactly formed a solid opinion about the topic at hand yet, but just reading through the comments makes you go hmmm…

  • Nehemiah53

    Another childish article written by a clueless one who is always trying to put men on a guilt trip like women don’t do the same things, or it’s OK to do it to men, just read this blog, and all of the rest of black progressive blogs and you will find 100 time more male bashing, mocking, sexist article by women against males and men never complain they just let it role off their backs because they fill these type of women are insecure, attention seeking, and want to be put on a pedestal but mean them [men] no harm just like men mean women no harm. This type of thing is nothing to play with if women keep hollowing wolf were there is no wolf, looking for something to complain about men, not comfortable in their own skin, wanting to be put up on a pedestal, thinking it will empower them soon nobody will hear them. It’s no need to put men on a guilt trip to empower yourselves [women] it want work we males and females were put here to compliment each other not to complete with each other and smart women and men know this, they do not continue to beat their heads against a brick wall or keep trying to reinvent the wheel! Black women stop trying to remake the black man and grow up!

  • Nehemiah53

    Why don’t you haters of strong black men all admit that you love them however you have been taught by white feminist to hate the straight heterosexual masculine black man, you fear him just like the white man, and you will find out if you emasculate him you will be destroying your self and your kind because he is operating in the nature god created him to protect you. Can’t you see, be carful what you wish for!

  • Pseudonym

    So true! I even fell for it once! I had this friend who had a girlfriend who would always call him yelling at him (I’d hear her shrieking through the phone) and they’d argue all the time and he and my other guy friends would go on and on about how crazy she was, so I just assumed she was…well, crazy.

    Guess how many times he cheated on her?

    And they all knew this, but never factored it in as a very probably primary cause of this anger, resentment, and insecurity (all very valid and reasonable emotional reactions) that they just called “crazy.”

  • Ravi

    ??

  • Ravi

    I think maybe our community has been growing more divisive along any lines of difference, especially gender. I’m noticing the amount of over-generalization going on both sides that just leads to a sort of battle of sexes.

  • Nehemiah53

    Will you do the same when you hear a black women say black men ain’t shit, I bet not. Stop checking, splitting hairs, keeping scores and hating on black men they ain’t your enemy! Get smart we black women and black men are not perfect however we were put here for each other only a fool will destroy there natural protector! You are a foolish women to think without him [black males] you are somehow empowered.

  • Nehemiah53

    Oh so women don’t emotionally manipulate men, only men do that, I see you are one of those male feminist you hate yourselves, you want to be a women so your join on and champion the failed feminist cause, right! And you wonder why women are so confuse go figue them blame it all on those bad men.

  • Nehemiah53

    You don’t konw, if you don’t know then you ain’t no man!

  • Ravi

    My not knowing isn’t a function of my manhood. Rather, it is a function of your poor writing. I can hardly understand what you are trying to say. That’s why I put question marks. I’d like to say whether I agree or disagree, but your grammar makes it hard. Peace, love, and grammar check, bro.

  • Nehemiah53

    You never hear men complaining about women when they hear women making sexist comments about them as they always do, why because men never whine about women and try to put women on guilt trips or seek pity, to our credit we men have never learn to hate women with all their short comings. We black men and women will never get along and move our family forward an long as we continue to buy into this in your face political correct crap, we have to mean other things to worry about wouldn’t you think.

  • Nehemiah53

    Ravi I get it, you just don’t know that you don’t know, trying to hide behind your good grammer, it you don’t know ask somebody!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Ravi

    I really would like to know, but the writing is making it hard. I’m not sure if you were just clowning around when you wrote it (if so, that’s pretty funny), but your first sentence alone spans like 9 lines of text. There are at least 8 different clauses in there with only a handful of commas to manage all that info. I’m sure it sounded pretty good when saying it in your head, but we have to do better. Periods are cheap.

  • ChillyRoad

    @Ravi

    Too many microphones for the ideologues on this issue.

  • Ravi

    that might very well be the case

  • https://twitter.com/TheKMichel K. Michel

    You’re a grown woman and intelligent enough to know who (and who not) to find lovable. Nobody has the right to define that for you.

    I disagree with the general consensus of comments to this post because they’re wrong. I think you went about it, perfectly. You’ve found something he did as being offensive, and firmly let him know about it. Whether he chooses to heed your concerns or not is really what you should base the future of your friendship on.

  • Keepitreal

    What’s worrisome to me is men who search out sites for women and post the usual spiel. I swear there could be a site entitled, tamponkingdom.com and certain “men” will find it and make it their life’s work to antagonize women.

  • ?!?

    Men and women think that they’re right and the other side is wrong. If somebody posted this on a black male site, the commenters would agree.

    Black men like to act as if problems in black male/female relationships are because black women are crazy, and black women say it’s because black men ain’t ish. Usually it’s both parties acting like idiots.

    But many of the readers on this site do take criticism and see the other side. There was an article about overweight black actresses. Most women didn’t agree, and Manu of us have talked about weight issues with BW. There have been articles about illegitimate children on this site. Many female readers didn’t paint women as victims and held them accountable. Many readers of the site criticize weaves and giving money to other communities. Many readers thought Shidea Lane was way out of line.

    Many but not all of these men who comment on this site never admit any faults. They can’t even admit this comment was sexist and wrong. Whenever a man does something wrong, it’s because an evil woman made him do it or feminism.

  • Pseudonym

    No one every said anything about a bunch of “bad men.”

    Gas lighting refers to a common technique that is used to undermine, ignore, and silence women’s appropriate reactions to unpalatable issues by just brushing it off as them being “crazy” or “too emotional” instead of actually taking the time to listen to what they have to say. (Like you just did! Instead of calling us “crazy” you called us confused feminists- same idea. Ignore the issue at hand and try to place the blame back on the woman calmly and rationally discussing a social interaction that she does not like.)

    It is used often against women who are responding appropriately.

    We’re not discussing the emotionally manipulative woman who made you miss the point of the original post and write this bitter comment instead. That’s a conversation for another day. For this particular thread, we are discussing gas lighting when it occurs. Not manipulative women when it doesn’t occur.

    |_

    (Have a seat and chill out.)

  • Pseudonym

    (and note that the cited article was written by a man.)

  • ?!?

    Umm… You are free to call it sexism. No one has to be okay with sexism. I guess men let sexism slide just like white people let offensive racial comments by black people slide out of guilt. The next time a woman says “men are dogs,” tell her she’s being sexist.

    I suppose it has something to do with groups that have been historically treated as inferior feeling that they have a right to get back at the oppressor. Either way as I said, men don’t have to let sexist things slide. You can call it out. After listening to rap music for years though, I think men definitely get their fair amount of sexism out there lol.

    Also, women tend to generalize men and think it’s okay. I don’t think men think it’s okay. You yourself found it sexist. Men also generalize women and think it’s okay. They just don’t do it font of women and expect to get away with it. Don’t act like men are lil ole victims of feminism that never do anything mean to us evil ungrateful women. I know that’s a common thing to talk about amongst men like you how women have been pampered and spoiled throughout time and after feminism became spoiled ungrateful wenches.

    Do you really expect me to believe that if a man were to say that women are crazy, all the men would call him sexist and tell him he’s not fair? No. They would agree with him and laugh, so men are just as accepting of sexism towards women. The only thing you can say is that women expect you to be okay with their sexism. Like I said, it’s you all who decided that it was okay to let women say these things.

  • Eric

    @TheTruth

    The first paragraph is true.

    I will say this, Clutch to their credit is less censored than it was a year ago.

    The truth is, feminist ideologies are government funded. And on the low, women want manly men, s3xist & all. They just don’t want it verbalized.

  • Pseudonym

    That’s happened on Clutch in general- to both males and females. I think comment censoring is up to the decision of the authors. I’ve made comments disagreeing with authors (or seen some pointing out errors in grammar) that “mysteriously disappeared” after a few hours. Then I have seen comments on others that have remained. Not sure the official policy, though.

  • The Patient One

    No sense in trying to figure this guy out. He leaves the same type of comments on Madame Noire.

  • LMO85

    Damn I hate the way clueless males stay trolling this site among others, quick to dismiss topics without having a full GRASP and UNDERSTANDING of the articles and the women who comment on them. If you just have to find your way to OUR boards and OUR space, then at least brush up a bit on the history of THIS nation and gain a clue or two before you spiel your usual B.S.

  • https://twitter.com/TheKMichel K. Michel

    “Out of respect to them, my other male friends and relatives and black men who have protected, loved and supported me I judge all emotionally crippled male Negroes on a case-by-case basis.”

    Judging Black men on a case-by-case basis? Respecting and honoring your male friends? Those are probably the only African-American guys who even know how that feels…

  • mr

    @pseudonym if she stayed with him after constantly finding out he was cheating then she was crazy. Would you agree?

  • Pseudonym

    You can call her crazy for staying with him. They were calling her crazy for constantly being upset with him for no reason. Those are two different issues.

    Her constantly fussing at him isn’t completely without obvious stimulus, as he and his friends tried to make it seem. Their definition of crazy was “yells at boyfriend who has done nothing for no reason.” Her yelling wasn’t crazy- it was a reasonable response to disrespect that they chose to ignore in an attempt to “gas light” her.

  • Courtney**

    Thank you for mentioning this. I wish I could give this more than one thumbs up. I think this especially happens to black women due to the “angry black woman” / Sapphire stereotype. We may have a valid reason for being angry at any given moment (as individuals) but no one wants to hear the reasons or take it seriously because hey… we’re just always angry. It’s just our “thing.”

  • Nehemiah53

    Oh I see you can only communicate with and learn from someone who speak, write or use prefect grammar, Oh what a immature educated fool are you!

  • Nehemiah53

    And we are still moving backwards since one gender want to fight a gender war thinking somehow they will become empowered!

  • Nehemiah53

    If you don’t like these type of men then leave them alone, stay away from them because the truth be know they don’t care to much for the type of women who complain and try to change them!

  • Nehemiah53

    Amen my point they women want it both ways besides if they have a problem with the man why not just stay away from him why complain and want to change him, I know they like him, they love him however he is not interested in them and they don’t know why!

  • Nehemiah53

    I thought so!

  • Nehemiah53

    Not true and you know it, anti feminist and anti left wing progressive liberial comments are always censored on black left wing liberal and progressive blogs the root, the grio, newsone, blackvoices etc. cluch not so much!

  • paul

    Well personally, I found this piece be an unusually tolerant, enlightened and humorous one for this website.

    I didn’t read this as an attack on black men or as an attempt to portray sexism as cute. On the contrary, the writer’s gentle handling of her FRIENDS mischievousness was pitched just right and was nothing less than I expect from a healthy and whole black woman.

    That’s how I’ve been dealt with by good sistahs and because of it, have become the reformed sexist I like to flatter myself, I am today.

    A corrective nudge is much more effective than the confrontational, sledgehammer approach of the -

    HUMORLESS BALLBREAKER

    who fails miserably to meet the immaculate standards of personal conduct she sets for everyone else.

    This is the kind of sensitive discussion about gender relations we need more of in the BC – and less of the polarized, all or nothing – “winner” takes nothing WAR that currently passes for dialogue among us.

    get some

    The more of these kinds of messages we have, the less effective those who carry malice in their hearts will be in their goal to set us at each other’s throats.

    Now vote this down, because that’s the only bit of “power” your weak and demented lil self will ever have.

    :-)

  • Nehemiah53

    Now you’ll have introduce a new term/weapon to use in your assault on black males “gaslight”.

  • Nehemiah53

    Do you correct women who you know gaslight men?

  • Nehemiah53

    Bravo, that’s my point and I am not ashamed of it, because I found out long ago that’s what they like a sexist man, if you don’t believe me watch who these same type women choose to let sneak into there bedroom at night and leave before day break I know because I use to be one! Guess who, those same type sexist men who they complain about doing the day and comment about on the blogs, go figure!

  • ?!?

    Yes, as I mentioned, you should start telling women that they’re actually being sexist. Then you shame them for being sexist. Then they will stop doing it because society will say it’s wrong. That’s why men know that they can’t get away with saying sexist things to women. Women have shamed them enough that they don’t do it in front of women because it’s considered socially unacceptable and rude. Minorities and liberals have shamed racists about racist talk that they know it’s not socially acceptable and rude. So if men are offended by women making sexist comments, you should draw attention to it and decide it’s socially unacceptable, and then demand that women change their rude behavior.

    I am not making excuses for women. I’m simply saying why I think people find sexist comments from women or racist comments from minorities to be more socially acceptable than if they came from men or white people. Sure women can be sexist, but double standards exist because of how different groups have been treated in the past and still today. I don’t think they’ll ever go away. Men should get upset and make noise like women do if they’re offended by sexism.

  • __A

    Many comments go into moderation. I don’t know why so many people don’t know that by now. I have seen way more offensive stuff posted by men than what you all are saying on this site. If you don’t see your comment automatically, that is why. Yes if someone says something disagreeable, they will get thumbs down. And more than 10 thumbs down means that your comment will be folded! It will be there though.

    Many men say offensive things or stuff that the women just don’t agree with, so yes you will get thumbs down. If you go to a gay site and write that you think gay people shouldn’t be able to get married, you will get thumbs down. If you go to a woman’s site and say that women are fake and manipulative, you will get thumbs down. If every time you comment on a a black women’s blog you say something negative about black women, you will get thumbs down.

    I just find it amazing that men think we should thumbs up their negativity. Did you all happen to thumbs up any comments you didn’t agree with? Will you give me thumbs up for this comment? That’s not how it works.

  • beks

    man, you started off okay and…whoa. that was hardly a gentle ending…or was the gentle part the smiley face? #confused

  • Nehemiah53

    I agree with what you are saying but to show you the difference between men and women, there are many negative article and comments written about black men almost every day on mostly liberal and black blogs by mostly female and some males it has become a sport, we black men read them might disagree with them but we very rarely click on thumbs down or dislike because we feel it’s your opinion no harm intended but as you said women and gays have and agenda if you don’t agree with them they take it person and mean or wish you harm.

  • Nehemiah53

    My opinion I thing we well meaning males and females need to step back and take a deep breath and quit looking for sexism where it doesn’t exist because neither gender makes sense without the other. I can tell you right now if we black males and females keep splitting hairs, keeping scores and checking each other for the lease little thing it will back fire on us and our enemy will let us and help us black males and females screw each other, get each other fired and guess what they white males and yes white females will have most of the good paying job and then they will say it was your [black female and black males] own fault. you did it to yourselves you played into your enemy hands, you black females and black males destroyed each other by going to far with this political correctness.

  • jillodelight

    Thank you! I think were a little past this behavior being cute.

  • jillodelight

    Haha, I was wondering the same thing ( I even regoogled the site to read “African American Women’s magazine”) I guess as much as much as BM bitch and moan about us, they can’t help following us online to make sure we’re not saying anything mean about them lol

  • jillodelight

    Yay! Sanity :) Reality stings.

  • jillodelight

    “Talking to the Lovable, But Misguided Sexist in Your Life”
    LOL Sexist aren’t loveable or capable of real love. Their self esteem comes at your expense.

  • Nehemiah53

    Let me pull your coat and let you in on a little secret that you black women seem not to know, the reason black men follow black women around is because the admire them, they adorer them, black men want to know what you say about them, what you think about them and what your concerns are because they the black men know full well they need you black women and wouldn’t want to live without you black women! Now I suspect that’s not what some of you all don’t want to hear however that’s the way it is and has all ways been.

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