The Trouble with Being a Sugar Mama

by Janelle Harris

I live in Anacostia, a neighborhood in the southeastern quadrant of Washington, DC. It’s a community that, like many people in it, straddles the poverty line and the working class, where the spirit of Frederick Douglass sits in a beautiful house perched high on a hill overlooking the city and the people under it live in a flux of contradictions between the regality of the history and the barrage of modern-day hotmessness. I absolutely love it: good, bad, super ugly.

The most interesting conversations have sailed through my open windows all summer. Now that warm weather is clutching at waning moments, the folks in my complex are kicking it into high gear before their shenanigans are confined to neighboring apartments, thereby depriving the rest of us an opportunity to overhear every, single gory detail of their foolishness. Unless, of course, you have the privilege of living right next door to one of the offenders.

Most recently, two young ladies took center stage under my bedroom window to engage in a mind-numbing squabble about some dude named Diontay who, so far as I could tell from their bickering 1. can lay some serious pipe, 2. has the benefit of two chicks arguing over him and 3. is living pretty high on the hog because of numbers 1 and 2. Their exchange was overloaded with empathic insults and threats of bodily harm, but it was what they were arguing about that was more telling than how bad one was going to eff the other up because she wouldn’t leave him alone.

“Bitch, I bought him that car! I pay the note!” Girl A shrieked down the sidewalk as a burly friend dragged her away from the altercation.

“But he stay with me every night. But he stay with me every night. But he…” repeated Girl B belligerently, index finger jabbing and slicing the air with every word.

By now, I’d taken the liberty of peeking through the blinds. If I couldn’t fold my laundry and listen to Miguel in peace, I figured I might as well take a quick look at the show outside. And it was sad. Because really, what these two chicks were getting ready to rip each other apart about was something neither one of them should have been doing anyway, and that’s financially taking care of a man neither one of them was committed to and, from the sounds of it, going to stop sharing any time soon.

My mother taught me a lot of things about guys that I suspect she had to learn firsthand. I don’t know much about my father—and that’s probably for the best—but I hear he’s got the gift to smooth-talk a multitude of women at any given time. Considering two of the nine half-siblings he created are less than a year younger than I am, I’d say that sounds about right. (You do the math. Emory thought he had hoes in different area codes way before Luda did.)

That’s probably why my mama insisted I have more respect for myself than to give up my body to just any ol’ knucklehead who nibbled on my sweet spots and whispered a few cheesy compliments in my ear. She told me not to rely on a man for anything I could do for myself, from changing a tire to balancing a checkbook. And she regularly warned me that trying to keep a guy content with material things and all kinds of special favors was only going to leave me broke, busted and disgusted, as demonstrated by the ‘hood heartbreak unfolding under my window.

I listened, for the most part, until I fell hard and just had to underscore her warnings with my own experience because, like a true hardheaded Taurus/Gemini, I couldn’t be warned that the stove was hot without touching a burner for confirmation. It was fine during the relationship. All pink ponies and pretty rainbows because I was helping my bay. We were gonna get married, we were gonna have a family, we were gonna frolic through a lifetime of conjoined bliss.

Then he dumped me, and I had to see him walk around in clothes, Timbs and sneakers that I’d bought for him and go on a date with the next girl. I’d paid some of that dude’s bills when I barely had enough money to cover my own. You know those moments in the Bugs Bunny cartoons when his face momentarily turns into jackass head? Yeah, he-haw indeed. Mommy was right. I was, however, able to breathe one sign of relief: My infatuation once inspired me to buy that man a Movado. I was beyond thankful that I had at least that little piece of good sense to repossess that bad boy before the relationship imploded and get my money back.

Women are nurturers by nature, and when we care about someone we want to take care of them, help them, see them comfortable and happy. But some of us are just steady trying to win the affections of a man by giving up parts of ourselves: our bodies, our energy, our money. Some of us learn once, some of us never learn. Matter of fact, the holidays are about to be winning season for plenty of Diontays out there. But inasmuch as we give of ourselves and our checking accounts, we need to look out for number one. I’ve seen guys pick up their mistresses in vehicles purchased for them by their wives, girlfriends, or at least their favorite baby mama. And I’m sure this won’t be the last time I hear about a woman—or two—scorched because she had been some undeserving man’s benefactor.

  • ChillyRoad

    Sadly if you are a woman who isnt very pretty or young or all of the above, you may have to use your resouces to secure the affections of a man. Young pretty women dont have to take care of anyone. Men are trying to take care of them.

  • ?!?

    Not only mansharing but fighting over a man? That’s pretty sad. Some women hate to be alone and will put up with these types of men. And do you think either one let him go? No. I think a lot of these women expect infidelity. You ever listen to all those old blues songs? They were always singing about some cheating man, or loving someone else’s man, or buying stuff for some man.

    He was probably good looking. Good looking but lazy men can easily get a sugar mama I bet.

  • http://gravatar.com/stardancer2008 stardancer2008

    Ooh wee! I only got burned once and that was by my ex-husband. That taught me to never give another grown ass man one red cent of mine.

  • ?!?

    Young, pretty women get used as well maybe not as often, but it definitely happens. All they have to do is fall in love with some loser. Then they will start giving gifts and stuff and getting played.

    A lot of women use their resources to try to please boyfriends like the author, but some of them have to use them to get a man out of their league which is what probably happens in most sugar daddy/mama cases. The person with more resources is trying to be with someone younger or more beautiful. Sugar daddy cases work out better I guess because women have been taught all these things about what they should expect from a partner. They know they have a lot to lose if they screw up. Sugar mamas seem to put up with more mess than sugar daddies. Maybe the women in sugar daddy relationships are better at cheating or maybe they’re more cautious about cheating and do it less. Anyway sugar mamas like these two women can never keep these dudes in line because they’d rather bicker with each other rather than kick him out and take all of his stuff. These men get away with their bad ways because the desperate women put up with it. I don’t know many men that will put up with infidelity like that. Some silly women like to play that I’m the most important one because he lives with me vs. I’m the most important because he sleeps with me game whereas men will not.

    Maybe these sugar mamas just need to have some standards lol.

    I hope you were not trying to insult the author with your comment.

  • Jamila

    I did that once, only once then i woke up. Your mom was right, they will leave you busted, broke and disgusted.

  • Thomas

    Come on ladies what’s the benefits of a man with a good job marrying one of these uneducated, overweight baby mama chicks with broken english? That’s the average black woman in three hood and I’m not even talking about the ones with attitude which are many.

    Sorry there are no benefits of dating hoodrat baby mamas in the ghetto. After 35 or 40 they all pretty much share a man or are alone. Some fight and some just have their “friend” come over for sex 2 or 3 times a month. Both know that’s as far as the relationship is ever going to get. It is what it is. They had their chance when they were young. They chose wrong…… the fun, good looking, thug who is long gone.

  • D.T.

    I wish a man would ask me for some money or ask me to pay a bill! I’ve never paid anything for a man. I can’t respect a man that will take money from me. I don’t have a lot of patience for that. Weak, dusty men annoy me! If you don’t know how to hustle (legally) and fend for yourself then please kick rocks.

  • CJ

    Great article. My father and brother were both Diontay-style men, so I learned early on what kind of men to stay away from. But as women are nurturers, it takes the mind to step over the heart so that a woman is not left feeling “broke, busted, and disgusted.”

  • Change

    I get things from men, not the other around so……..
    sorry I can’t relate !

  • Leo the Yardie Chick

    Wow. I know I can’t stand the idea of being a leach, so I know I’d hate for someone to leach off of me like this. Ugh. If this is the b.s. I have to deal with just to say I have a man, I’ll pass.

  • victoria

    My cousin (very good looking, 40 years old, seven kids by two different women, no job) once told me that he can always get women. He simply looks for overweight, white women maybe with a mixed child (then he knows she is into black men). He brags about never having to pay bills, free food, free heat, cable, can drive her car, etc.. While spending his money on drugs, going out, etc.

  • dirtychai

    I used to work in a diner near an affluent private university. Nothing would irritate me more than to see Obvious College Athletes who walked in with Obvious College Groupies run up a bill that’s twice,often three times, what she ordered — and won’t even make the gesture to reach for their wallet…assuming that they has one. Groupies will happily pick up the tab. This isn’t just a hood thing or a Black thing.

  • Mademoiselle

    I know a few women who have always been strikingly beautiful and fell for this kind of mess. Insecurities, not looks/age, are what makes people feel like they have to use their resources to catch/keep someone.

  • Mademoiselle

    I bet “Diontay” never even had to ask. I think there are some women who believe spending money on a man is what they’re supposed to do to prove they’re the opposite of a golddigger.

  • graham

    to me it is even more sad when a man only stays with you bc of looks. to me it is the same thing.

  • Mademoiselle

    I can’t decide whether I’m just stingy, if I truly believe money won’t buy me love, or if sharing a man’s bills just feels too much like marital privileges. Either way, I don’t lavish men with presents that I’d feel awkward about him keeping if we break up nor do I pay their bills. I figure however he was making it work before me (whether it be family, friends, etc) will be the same way he makes it work with and/or after me. I’m no one’s ATM.

  • http://gravatar.com/jamesfrmphilly jamesfrmphilly

    and you know all this, how?

  • Shar

    word! Never have I ever bought something for a man besides a bday gift. The hell part of the game is that?

  • http://[email protected] stacyaustralia

    As some of you stated, I don’t think women intentionally seek out to take care of a man (even though some do). Regardless if you are a 10 or a 3 you can still struggle with low self-esteem and have insecurities. S**t happens before you know it you’re buying him things and falling behind on your own responsibilities. I really don’t think anyone choose to live like this. S**t happens. That’s life. You live and you learn.

  • http://gravatar.com/angelamth212 angelamth212

    This might sound a bit harsh but I am a frequent reader of this site and many other bloggs geared toward black women and 9 times out of 10 the author and commentators don’t have a father or positive male role model in their life. Almost all the articles including this one with issues including image, education and more could be avoided if their was a positive male role model in the home. I dont want to bash black women and do believe black men need to take equal responsibility in raising their children and being leaders in the community, but in the authors case when she said her mother taught her to never depend on a man for anything and that it was a good thing she didnt know her father I find it really sad. Her mother reproduced with an irresponsible loser and ended up raising a child alone and playing bothe mother and father and telling her child not to make her mistakes. Then the author had to learn for herself. its really sad that having no father or male role model in the home is generational now and it hurts me to read these depressing articles bc I cannot relate. Its healthy to talk about ones problems but Clutch please get some writers who has a father or positive male role model in their life. I am tired of reading about certain problems that could have been easily avoided. People may argue that having two parents in the home doesnt guarentee healthy well rounded children but for those who never experinced having a good father in the home and who cares does make a difference in how you percieve men and having a healthy dating life

  • Laugh

    Yea, you’re such a catch. You’re ignorant and can’t even spell.

  • Laugh

    Millions of children grow up without a father in their life. The Divorce rate is over 50% so this is the reality of today. Plenty of women are paying their mans way….MARRIED WOMEN. Just because you’re married doesn’t mean the father is guaranteed to be a knight and perfect dad.

  • Laugh

    This is definitely not a black or hood situation! The majority of casees, of people I know, that I can think of where a man has gotten over on a woman like this, the women have been white. As a matter of fact the only black woman I know who went through this was actually married to the loser. But women in general need to wake up and stop taking care of men and the mans responsibilities.

  • http://kinxnquirx.com Tori D

    Contrary to popular belief, having a father present is not a panacea, nor does it mean that one will never have issues when it comes to dating. I can testify to that as a product of a loving two-parent home with a hands on dad who still had issues with esteem, relationships, etc. It’s wonderful if you can’t relate to articles like this, but others of us can. If a post like this one can help someone avoid a similar situation I’m all for it.

  • http://gravatar.com/angelamth212 angelamth212

    Yes millions of children grow up without a father in their life and the divorce rate is over 50% but this did not happen over night. And I can see that you are taking this personal, and I did not mean to offend anyone. But when are women, not only Black women, are going to hear the truth without being offended? Stop hiding behind statistics and look into your own personal life and take some responsibility for your mistakes. I am so tired of the “woe is me” and “I can do it all by myself” Women need to choose better mates, stop sleeping with losers who have no intention to be in a committed relationship with you, and stop raising your sons and daughters to believe that not having men in the home is normal, because its not,

  • http://gravatar.com/angelamth212 angelamth212

    But why do we have to search online to find comfort and advice about our personal issues from strangers? Has it come to a point where people can notlonger rely on thier parents to guide them in choosing a partner in life? It really angers me that people are so easily influenced by media, entertainment and celebrities and now strangers to seek personal advice. What happened to Mom, Dad, siblings, grandpa, grandma and aunts and uncles????

  • Laugh

    No I’m not offended one bit sounds like you’re the one who’s so defensive! I grew up in a two parent home and have no children so this is not my story. This is just reality that millions of children are in single parent homes and parents get divorced. Will having two parents stop you from taking care of a man? If you are insecure ……probably not.

  • Laugh

    Funny you are asking why we search online to find advice when you are currently online spewing advice.

  • Mademoiselle

    First, where are you getting your statistics from? I’ve never seen commenters on this or other sites roll call whether they have fathers in the home, so I’m wondering how you got to 9/10 authors and commenters were raised by single mothers.

    Second, I know plenty of women from dual parent households and married women who have experienced or currently are experiencing the situation in this article. Two most recent examples: I have a cousin (dual parent household) who just recently got out of a situation where the father of her child refused to work or take care of his kid despite living with them in the expensive condo she bought. I knew a physician (dual and affluent parent household) who would brag that she never even checks her bank account that she shared with her husband who made considerably less than her because she trusts her husband, and would not only lavish him with expensive gifts, but cooed whenever he bought her an expensive gift WITH HER MONEY.

    Fathers aren’t superhuman. They, combined with mothers, help shield their kids from pitfalls, but they’re not going to catch every single wrong turn their kids can make. The only reason we know the author of this article didn’t know her father is because she called it out, but she could’ve easily omitted that information and the situation would mirror many women’s experiences. “Healthy dating” doesn’t mean you make absolutely no mistakes, regardless of whether you come from a single or dual parent household.

    Don’t fall for the misconception that the products of single-parent households are the only ones screwing up.

  • Leo the Yardie Chick

    My goodness.

  • http://gravatar.com/swissblackberries victoria

    One of my friends…she is GORGEOUS with the lowest self esteem known to man. She used to allow men to cheat on her and use her sexually and financially. She has two kids OOW by two different who dont pay support nor have any relationship with their children. She is now married. Ask me if her husband works?

    This behavior has to due with self esteem.

  • http://gravatar.com/angelamth212 angelamth212

    I am not spewing advice I am spewing observation of how normalized not having a father in the home has become. And how people without a father or positive role model get offended. Harsh but true.

  • http://gravatar.com/nolakiss16 binks

    Sadly this is a MAJOR problem among many women from many backgrounds. I just shake my head when I hear women state they paid or signed for this and that on behalf of someone that isn’t even their HUSBAND most likely (and honestly 9/10 won’t ever be their hubby) while the favor is rarely returned. And even your husband shouldn’t be leaching off you. I just can’t see myself being a benefactor to a grown a$$ man like hello he needs to bring something to the table than good pipe that sounds like he is prostituting himself…lol. If I wanted to take care of someone I would adopt a kid not basically date/mother one. People like that are parasites to me because once one gravy train is over or running dry they are looking for another or try to keep a secret stash of side chick (case of Diontay). I think women are taking the “take care of your man” thing to literal because some think that will keep them around and faithful when they are setting themselves up for a lifetime of problems and always being in a hole not only financially but emotionally trust I have an 50+ uncle like Diontay they don’t change.

  • http://kinxnquirx.com Tori D

    @ angelamth212 I think that it just a modern version of an age-old reality. When I was younger, my friends and I were more likely to listen to each other (like we actually knew anything!) and folks who were slightly older because we felt our parents didn’t “get it.” With the Internet being the way of the world, it’s not that hard to see why some would turn to advice from folks online as opposed to their parents, even if they are saying the same things.

    Of course, my opinion is shaded by me thinking that this post was geared towards younger women. As for my age and older…. Well idk! :)

  • http://gravatar.com/angelamth212 angelamth212

    First, I am getting my statistics from the same place everyone is getting their statistics about 50% divorce rate, 70% of black children are born out of wedlock, 80% of black women are overweight and more.

    Second, thats great that you know many women that are from two-parent homes but today that is the execption not the norm. I was not saying that if you are from a two parent home things would be perfect but you would not be subjected to as many problems one gets from a single parent home. Now that single parent homes have been normalized, a person that comes from a two parent home has to be one the defense.

    Third, so men cannot be superhuman but we expect women to be “superwomen” strong, independent, and do everything on her own? What women, especially black women need to understand, the relationship we have with our men has not always been this way.Black women were not always left alone to do it all, men did not always abandon their children and the mothers of their children, men were right by the side of their women working, supporting and being their for their family. And now today, it has become acceptable and normalized for women to be “superwomen” and our men sitting their being useless, fathers, husbands, brothers, uncles and more, because we have accepted our men to not contribute more into the home, community and country, and lowered our standards and beliefs of what they can do.

    Last, I am not falling into the misconception of single-parent homes producing “screwed up” children, I am just saying that historically it has not always been this way, that the foundation of a productive and thriving community is the family, and in order for Blacks to move forward and compete now in this global economy it comes down to raising children that can compete with other children across the world, and in order to do that, we need to value education, have resources–money, and focus on wanting better for ourselves. This all comes down to having a strong family, and its so much harder to do that when you are a single mom or dad.

  • b

    I say this with all seriousness and no offense intended towards you:
    Your cousin is not yet a man.

  • Rue

    I mostly date men who are better off than I am or who would half starve before accepting a red so problem solved.

  • Ravi

    just curious, would you accept money or bill payment from a man?

  • Pseudonym

    Yes, the divorce rate is 50%, but it seems to be a lot more likely that a child will continue to have a relationship with both parents following a divorce rather than following a boyfriend/girlfriend or casual sex relationship breakup.

    I know hundreds of people who have no memories of their fathers past the age of 6 and their parents were never married whereas I know very few people who had that experience following a divorce (in the single digits).

  • http://twitter.com/Author_JGail J. Gail (@Author_JGail)

    I was taught “you don’t work you don’t eat.” That goes doubly for grown able bodied men. I was also taught that a man takes care of his woman, not the other way around. I don’t care how far off course this society goes, I’m sticking with those principles. I cringe when I see women out with their “man” paying for everything but I know a) it’s a result of low self esteem – they don’t think they’re worthy of a man who has his own b) it’s a function of baby boy syndrome, where women feel the need to care for and nurture their “boy.” But I also know one other thing — that’s their business. Until women learn to let men grow and be men (that means letting them figure shiit out on their own) we will continue to see this “trend” more boys in the community than men

  • RightOn

    PREACH!!!

  • Oh Please

    Unless we are married I would not. That’s a bad road to go down. Some men think that means they own you.

  • Pseudonym

    Why do so many women on this site refuse to consider the possibility that married people can have stability and- with double the amount of brains, arms, legs, life experience, and frame of reference- provide more support to a child than a single parent?

    We have “core” groups of best friends for life support, workout buddies to keep us motivated in the gym, “wing women” that accompany us to happy hours (to make it not look so obvious that we’re hoping to find Mr. Right), religious prayer groups to feed our spiritual selves, we visit family members in the hospital when they’re sick and try to raise their spirits…everyone seems to agree that having support in numbers is great in all of these things, but then balk at the idea that having a husband would be great support to have when raising a child.

    I just do not understand how this makes sense to so many women who comment on this site.

  • Pseudonym

    Why do so many women on this site refuse to consider the possibility that married people can have stability and- with double the amount of brains, arms, legs, life experience, and frame of reference- provide more support to a child than a single parent?

    We have “core” groups of best friends for life support, workout buddies to keep us motivated in the gym, “wing women” that accompany us to happy hours (to make it not look so obvious that we’re hoping to find Mr. Right), religious prayer groups to feed our spiritual selves, we visit family members in the hospital when they’re sick and try to raise their spirits, and there are even on-line forums and natural hair communities in place just so that black women can figure out how to style their hair…

    Everyone on this site seems to agree that having support in numbers is great in all of these things, but then balk at the idea that having a husband would be great support to have when raising a child.

    I just do not understand how this makes sense to so many women who comment on this site. Raising children is the most complex, difficult, and important experience out of all the above scenarios. There’s even the saying that “It takes a village to raise a child” which people seem to agree with, but though the need of cooperation of an entire community is agreed upon, so many women commenting on this site don’t think that if a whole bunch of strangers can help build their child up, having the second biological parent around can also have that same effect.

    It’s just illogical.

  • Keepitreal

    That 50 % divorce rate is false stat from the 70s.
    divorce rate in first marriages peaked at 40 % for first marriages in the 80s and has been declining since to close to 30% in the early 2000s. Now why oh why has this myth been perpetuated hmmmmm.

  • Ravi

    I agree. I think it feels a little too much like compensation for services rendered if you aren’t married.

  • __A

    @angelamt212 – I agree. Black folks get really defensive when you start to to tell people that they are part of the problem. There was an idea No Wedding No Womb telling women not to have kids by men that they’re not married to, and folks were against it.

    No other group of people in this country has the problems we have. Of course, they haven’t had the same experience that we have had, but people fail to connect the dots between the lack of stable two parent households and the problems in the BC. They blame racism as if two parent households and decent neighborhoods didn’t exist before when racism was commonplace.

  • Mike

    Thou protest too much or in hood terms. You need more people. lol

  • Toia

    Thank you jesus!
    I and many of my friends came from 2 parent homes and that is normal for us.
    I love my father and mother equally. Both my grandparents were married. If it is a family setting you are use too everything else is strange. All my siberly’s are married except one who has 2 kids. My sister forgot the first rule of friends and relationships “Guard your affections for they rule your life”. We don’t even know the father. She has suffered in raising her kids and her daughters don’t know or have never met their father. We have never said a word about her choice. We give her love. But she is like others who are very defensive about their situation, They tend to be jealous and envious of the men and fathers of her nieces and nephews. Now her daughter dates and buys her boyfriends affection and he also hit her one time. that’s just pure low-self esteem. I hope she gets out of that relationship. I leave it to the lord to help her.

  • Barbara2

    A “male” who lives off of women are not “men.” It’s so sad to see males do that; they have no manhood. He has lost his self respect.

    Thank goodness I came from a two parent home where the father was a REAL MAN.

  • http://AirInDanYell.tumblr.com Erin

    This MUST BE how men in the DMV area are! I was warned by my aunt that was born and raised and still lives in “The Area” about something extremely similar to this story . I fell into the trap at 21, while I was in college anyway, because like the author I’d rather make my own mistakes… no job, broke as anything, but I had a car and I met “my broke him” thru a mutual friend that was from up that way. He was a mooch, but since he was my BF I pretended like I didn’t mind paying for some things and like an idiot I let him drive my car, without putting any gas in it. The last straw was on Valentine’s Day, when I paid for EVERYTHING and he couldn’t even help me out after I drove up from school to see him, since of course he didn’t have a working vehicle, and I laid into him and how broke he was so much he stopped talking to me completely. NEVER AGAIN. LOL

  • Wepo1

    “Considering two of the nine half-siblings he created are less than a year younger than I am, I’d say that sounds about right. (You do the math. Emory thought he had hoes in different area codes way before Luda did.)”

    Typical black women martyr complex and showing how she defends her gender lack of moral accountability as women!

    Ye s your pops may have been a rolling stone but he only did what immoral black women allowed him to do!

    The same unnaccoubltry in black women gets pass down to each generation!

    Until bw stop allowing uncommitted man to dump up in them this unwed baby mama cycle will continue!

    Also there are plenty of men without children, but the ones having children who are not married are the same ones bw keep getting knocked up by!

    Most BW have 3 baby daddies and 2 of the dudes already have 2 baby mamas each!

    BW are having babies by men they don’t even know and think it is normal!

  • ALBATROS

    I love sugar mamas!!!. There’s nothing wrong about a woman spending for her man and showering him with gifts. I fucking love it.

  • victoria

    @Pseudonym

    The best comment I have read on this site EVER!

  • leelah

    first of all…having two parents won’t protect women from abusive, dysfunctional relationships. Theoretically it should but there is no guarantee. secondly, we don’t pick our parents or the circumstances we are born into so for someone to stand on a mountain and tell a woman “If you only had a good father figure at home you wouldn’t have to deal with this problem” is kicking somebody when they are already down and preaching to the choir and a real no sh** sherlock situation.–black people shouldn’t have to reframe from discussing any real issue in our community because it embarasses some of us.

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  • Who’d She Coo?

    Having two parents means absolutely nothing in determining the calibre of ‘fool’ you will be or the degree in which you may be used. YOUR self-esteem and full understanding of your self worth will set those limits. Grounded, realistic and uplifting Parental training, whether from one, two or several extended ‘parents’, will lay the groundwork. NO ONE is doomed, due to having one(1) parent–or even NO parents. Parental quality training which would assist with good self esteem…,is what matters.

  • victoria

    Question?

    If a black man has children with women he is not committed to, does that make him immoral? Also, why do many black men have children that they dont intend to care for financially nor emotionally? Does this make black men selfish or uncaring beings? How do you believe GOD views these actions?

  • victoria

    Actually, girls with a positive relationship with their fathers are less likely to be sexually abused and have a stronger self worth.

    So this may not mean having two parents in the home, but it definitely means having a strong relationship with your father.

  • Ravi

    I don’t don’t think having children is immoral for men or women in these circumstances. Even within most religions, it’s the sex that leads to the kids that would be immoral, not really the having children part. Now, it may not be the most wise course of action. It seems this would be a less than ideal environment to raise a kid, but not immoral.

    Also, you can’t generalize black men or black men baaed on any of this stuff.

  • victoria

    @Ravi

    I used the word immoral because Wepo1 threw it out first, as if women are immoral for letting men impregnate them, but men are not immoral for not supporting their child in every way.

  • Ravi

    yeah, I got that. It’s just that he could have responded that black men were also immoral to not be a hypocrite. I wanted to throw in my idea that neither would be immoral for having such a child.

  • http://www.gettogetha.com Get Togetha

    If a woman is spending her “financials” on a man for love and affection in return she will eventually feel the emotional consequences of being used, played or simply feeling resentful as hell. I can understand being dickmatized.. but low self-esteem and low self-worth is generally the culprit on the woman’s end and on the man’s end he’s usually a narcissist (a man who secretly hates & disrespects women on a pathological level). Either way you can’t buy love; it’s a total relationship fail. Point blank: A man with healthy self esteem would never allow a woman to take care of him.

    Any many who sits back and allows woman to take care of him has some serious “self hate, self-loathing, and unfinished mommy dearest issues that he’s taking out on you. Men like this are to be avoided like the plague because they feel entitled to your earnings and will offer a crumb of reciprocity like they’re doing you a favor. Trust and believe when I say mommy dearest did a hella number on them.

  • David Isenbergh

    I’m not a sociologist or a cultural anthropologist, but I can’t help noticing that this may be one instance where African-Americans and white Americans differ: With the latter it’s rare that women economically and materially support their male lovers, while the reverse is pretty much the norm (women are showered with gifts and support by the men they’re dating). This is one case where nurture seems to trump nature. Vive la difference!

  • congeroo

    Hahahaha. I just have to laugh. This is very similar to what men used to go through with women. The slight difference is that they didn’t expect their backdoor girls to be faithful. They knew a floozy when they saw one. If they bought them things or treated them to a date it was to get sex not loyalty.

    These women are no different than men except they expect more. Want their cake and to eat it too. If you want to keep playing this game then expect to get played yourself.

  • chan

    Your comment is UnTrue. I am an African American woman who does quite well for myself. I have tons of males in my family be it brother, nephews or cousins who date white females. During family gatherings the topic comes up about why do you choose to date outside your race. The answer is never …love sees no color…. or she is not as argumentative and angry as black women.The rresponse is ” cause they take care of you and let you do what you want to do where a black girl might do it but not for long….

  • Mademoiselle

    @ SMH To be clear, the physician that was showering her man with gifts was doing so to avoid having to admit that her husband was actively cheating on her — something she would’ve found out had she not convinced herself to let him spend her money unchecked considering he was also spending HER money on his other women.

    @Pseudonym I never made a case that marriage is not beneficial to the children born in them. What I was making a case against is @angelamth212′s idea that the author’s parents being married would’ve instantly prevented her from becoming a sugar mama. Plenty of women from dual parent households still become sugar mamas. That’s a testament to that particular grown woman’s practices and ideologies — just like the numerous women who come from single parent households and would never be a sugar mama to anyone are a testament to their practices and ideologies.

    Like I said, a dual parent household helps prevent many pitfalls, but it’s not fool-proof. No one is immune to insecurities, and insecurities manifest themselves differently in different people. Coming from a 2-parent household won’t eliminate that fact from anyone’s life no matter how good their parents are.

  • Mademoiselle

    Everybody plays a fool one way or another, regardless of the presence of a father. Even women with the highest esteem have stories of being played in one way or another and learning from experience. It happens to the best of us.

  • James

    One attribute missing from most assessments is arrogance. The author said the women look good, which is number one and number two they must be somewhat successful since they can by a man a car and other things. 

    These kinds of women are extremely arrogant. It’s funny because they never date men with a plan. Who would rather self sacrifice a few material things to chase a dream. 

    Instead they date these peacocks who play the game to a T. Having already conned other women their wardrobe is replete with today’s over priced gear. 

    The women I guess see that as a positive( this is a cycle-the  more he gets from women he then can use to get other women).   Without assessing the man over time they don’t check his fly gear (and maybe his pad too) against everything else. And if anyone of her friends & family don’t jump on board on how great he is-everyone is a hater. His education level, his occupations room for advancement, of course his age looked at over a period of time would tell you who are you dealing with. I mean when these women introduce these dolts they never give a hint he’s really a bum in kings clothing, nope its some murky made up crap about some fluzzy job title that is code for he (if he works) works a barely above min wage retail gig and has no ambitions. 

    Afterall it’s hard to explain how a non college educated 32 yr old man can drive an Audi and he doesn’t work for a city/state/gov’t job with a rising scale wage. In NYC a sanitation worker after about five years with OT can clock $70-80k. But this lack of oversight -willingly of course this isn’t the fine print on a cell phone contract, this is where arrogance kicks in.This is why men always want to know what a dude does for a living not to judge him but rather try to put together how does he maintain a lifestyle. Hell just in joking I’ve put chicks on that her dude is suspect.

    Especially if dude has kids. Even  if he has a college education these women still after time need to check their egos and ask hardball questions. And if they don’t like their answers then leave him. But it’s clear these kinds of women don’t give a fcuk. They are so stuck on them selves they would rather argue with the next chick than cut their losses. Pride is costly.

  • James

    One attribute missing from most assessments is arrogance. The author said the women look good, which is number one and number two they must be somewhat successful since they can by a man a car and other things. 

    These kinds of women are extremely arrogant. It’s funny because they never date men with a plan. Who would rather self sacrifice a few material things to chase a dream. 

    Instead they date these peacocks who play the game to a T. Having already conned other women their wardrobe is replete with today’s over priced gear. 

    The women I guess see that as a positive( this is a cycle-the  more he gets from women he then can use to get other women).   Without assessing the man over time they don’t check his fly gear (and maybe his pad too) against everything else. And if anyone of her friends & family don’t jump on board on how great he is-everyone is a hater. His education level, his occupations room for advancement, of course his age looked at over a period of time would tell you who are you dealing with. I mean when these women introduce these dolts they never give a hint he’s really a bum in kings clothing, nope its some murky made up crap about some fluzzy job title that is code for he (if he works) works a barely above min wage retail gig and has no ambitions. 

    Afterall it’s hard to explain how a non college educated 32 yr old man can drive an Audi and he doesn’t work for a city/state/gov’t job with a rising scale wage. In NYC a sanitation worker after about five years with OT can clock $70-80k. But this lack of oversight -willingly of course this isn’t the fine print on a cell phone contract, this is where arrogance kicks in.This is why men always want to know what a dude does for a living not to judge him but rather try to put together how does he maintain a lifestyle. Hell just in joking I’ve put chicks on that her dude is suspect.

    Especially if dude has kids. Even  if he has a college education these women still after time need to check their egos and ask hardball questions, and if the answers aren’t what they want to hear then leave. But it’s clear these kinds of women don’t give a fcuk. They are so stuck on them selves they would rather argue with the next chick than cut their losses. Pride is costly.

  • Mademoiselle

    I agree with so much of what you posted. I know an attorney (from a dual parent household for those of you wondering) who met a man who couldn’t fully articulate what it is he does, but somehow always had cash available (I thought he was a drug dealer, but never got confirmation so I’m just speculating). His biggest sell (for her) was that he had unquestionable swagger so whatever it is he does do for a living, it must pay well because of how he’s living (including a posh condo). She turns around and signs for his luxury vehicle, that she then finds out he’s using to woo other women. I wouldn’t be surprised if some woman was the one to sign for that condo either.

    Somewhere along the line some woman was fool enough to subsidize his first luxury purchase, which made him look ambitious enough to fool the next woman who bought him his next luxury whatever, and so on until he got to the swagger he know parades around in.

    The sad part is, as smart as these women are, they still fall into the trap of fighting for these men because “I bought that _____; I paid for his _____; That’s my name on that _____.” Meanwhile, none of them are stepping back and realizing, “hm, if each one of us took back everything we paid for, what kind of bum would he really be and how did I miss that glaring red flag?”

  • Nehemiah53

    Janelle You suffer from the strong independent black women syndrome you rather have a mentally weak do not know how to be a man “play boy” as your man rather than a man who is operating in the nature in which he was created, that is to be the head, the leader and that’s the type of man you so call strong independent sister fear and dislike because you don’t want him to tell you and your children what to do you value your independence so you gravitate to the weak needed play boy because he make you feel you are leading him I know because I use to be him, he keep moving from women to women because deep down inside he know he is less than a man but you think your nurturing will help him and make him feel better but it want, I don’t feel sorry for you sister because you got what you wanted that is mostly good sex or some sex and you were willing to pay for it, you knew how he was so what made you think he was going to change for you!

  • Chanel_P

    I so want to blame the mothers that are raising AMERICAN boys into freeloading men but the blame game is fruitless.

    Yes, conceptually two-parent homes rock! BUT it still takes a village. Often those two parents pass on the culture or lack of culture that they were brought up in. Parenting is important but even good parents drop the ball. My parents, still married, are amazing ppl but they didn’t give me much direction on sex or money because their parents didn’t give them a foundation to teach from. They figured sex and money out, they knew I was smart, so they guessed I would too.

    Families spend less time with each other and life is the most complicated its ever been. Our communities must support each other in order to save our youth from being sugar mamas and freeloaders. Throughout history religion regulated what was deemed acceptable for a man and woman within a romantic relationship. Since many of us have abandoned the disciple of religion, myself included, we live by our own codes. Sadly the culture of freeloading/sugar mama (daddy) is taught to children and reinforced in media/arts. There is no Martin Luther King or Malcomn to lead us in a organized direction or rally us around a moral code. We are on our own, thus the C.R.E.A.M. culture persist.

  • Nehemiah53

    And don’t forget they will run all over a smart hard working man to get to that phony playboy with nothing. I heard a successful black women tell my wife one day that she is tired of going out to dinner with her well dress BMW driving boyfriend and she have to pass the money under the table to him to pay for the meals.

  • congeroo

    Chan…I think the commenter is referring to the average white female who dates white males, not the occasional ones that have a fetish for dating black males and will do anything to maintain said fetish and are really victims in the same way that the author is describing.

  • paul

    Another scenario/discuss piece. A decent one too

    However the (over) “analysis” so far is way off, gone into the realms complete lunacy.

    This one’s straightforward since there are no clear villains or victim here.

    All I see are three people who have each made informed choices – as opposed to choices based on trust, only to have their choices blow up in their faces.

    Well buyer beware – charge it to game and learn to play better next time.

    This was sloppiness on the guy’s part – one should never sh*t in one’s own backyard, and poor conflict management on the part of the women.

    What’s more interesting are the issues to do with gender roles, the scenario throws up.

    This scenario is a particularly distasteful one for women because it involves a woman who spends money on a man, unthinkable for many women because they think they should be the receivers – not givers. This attitude is revealed by the woman in the story, the woman who wrote the story and the women in comments.

    LOL!

    Well I’m with you on this one, let’s make it that anyone who spends money on someone else in a relationship context is legally entitled to ask for their money back if the other party cheats.

    :-)

  • paul

    Ok – next.

    What is it with these guys who seem to live every moment of their lives walking in jealousy of any man who has any level of success with women?

    Any woman who doesn’t want your weak self is a loser chooser – right?

    These people use every “wronged woman” tale as an opportunity to plunge the knife deeper into backs of other men.

    But let’s take a look at YOU

    Seems to me that YOU’RE the loser since YOU CAN’T COMPETE on any of the qualities women prize in men – money, looks, game – or any combination of thereof.

    If I’m mistaken about you then why do you b*tch at women for being more attracted to men with those particular qualities?

    Furthermore what’s left to be attracted to if you take those out?

    broke ugly boring and stupid – or any combination thereof.

    We know for sure that the stupid part is right because you keep calling your own self out.

    :-)

  • http://bequoted.wordpress.com bequoted

    This entire post was hilarious. Sad and ignorant, but a story that rings true across the globe.

  • EbonyLolita

    All I know is that I came from a loving, supportive 2 parent h/h. My parents stayed married until my mother passed recently. 42 yrs together 40 yrs married, HAPPILY.

    I’m the only child. Now let me tell you THIS! Most men that I’ve dated told me w/o me telling them. “I can tell you grew up a Daddy’s girl! There’s a certain confidence about you.” They like that, but if they’re the user types they already know….. I’m not getting anything outta her. Now that didn’t stop THEM from not being shit, but what it does tell certain men is that they know what they’re dealing with. I don’t put up w/no MESS as an adult. I played dumb a few times as a teenager, but my FATHER nipped that in the bud QUICK! You know why b/c he was in the h/h & we had a good relationship.

    No Shade but I didn’t realize that some folks didn’t have their dad in the home until about 2nd grade. I see the difference btw girls who did & girls who didn’t have a 2 parent h/h or if their dad was in the home if it wasn’t a good relationship you CAN TELL!!

    But honestly Clutch is telling the stories of ppl. I must admit I would LOVE to hear articles about Loving 2 parent households. I know about the stats & Blah blah blah but shewww I would like to hear MY story as well.

  • EbonyLolita

    THIS is nothing but the truth James!!!!

  • http://trueletterson.wordpress.com trueletterson

    One more thing these women are just like the men they like and choose to date, the only thing is they sometimes have education and a good job but given a choice between a good hard working man with a plan and these peacocks who they sometimes know play the game to a T they will almost always take the peacocks this is nothing new it’s been going on for a very long time these women are attractive to men with character just like them that’s why when they turn thirty five and are lonely and say to me there ain’t no good men out there I say to them yes it is you have had good men in your life but you thought he was no fun because he didn’t keep you guessing, chasing, fight over him, had no swagger now he is married with a good family so you got what you were looking for in this life. Bottom line is these women are silly and stupid they just got good job training and a job with a pay check [note I didn't say education] and they get what they are looking for.

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