I live in Anacostia, a neighborhood in the southeastern quadrant of Washington, DC. It’s a community that, like many people in it, straddles the poverty line and the working class, where the spirit of Frederick Douglass sits in a beautiful house perched high on a hill overlooking the city and the people under it live in a flux of contradictions between the regality of the history and the barrage of modern-day hotmessness. I absolutely love it: good, bad, super ugly.

The most interesting conversations have sailed through my open windows all summer. Now that warm weather is clutching at waning moments, the folks in my complex are kicking it into high gear before their shenanigans are confined to neighboring apartments, thereby depriving the rest of us an opportunity to overhear every, single gory detail of their foolishness. Unless, of course, you have the privilege of living right next door to one of the offenders.

Most recently, two young ladies took center stage under my bedroom window to engage in a mind-numbing squabble about some dude named Diontay who, so far as I could tell from their bickering 1. can lay some serious pipe, 2. has the benefit of two chicks arguing over him and 3. is living pretty high on the hog because of numbers 1 and 2. Their exchange was overloaded with empathic insults and threats of bodily harm, but it was what they were arguing about that was more telling than how bad one was going to eff the other up because she wouldn’t leave him alone.

“Bitch, I bought him that car! I pay the note!” Girl A shrieked down the sidewalk as a burly friend dragged her away from the altercation.

“But he stay with me every night. But he stay with me every night. But he…” repeated Girl B belligerently, index finger jabbing and slicing the air with every word.

By now, I’d taken the liberty of peeking through the blinds. If I couldn’t fold my laundry and listen to Miguel in peace, I figured I might as well take a quick look at the show outside. And it was sad. Because really, what these two chicks were getting ready to rip each other apart about was something neither one of them should have been doing anyway, and that’s financially taking care of a man neither one of them was committed to and, from the sounds of it, going to stop sharing any time soon.

My mother taught me a lot of things about guys that I suspect she had to learn firsthand. I don’t know much about my father—and that’s probably for the best—but I hear he’s got the gift to smooth-talk a multitude of women at any given time. Considering two of the nine half-siblings he created are less than a year younger than I am, I’d say that sounds about right. (You do the math. Emory thought he had hoes in different area codes way before Luda did.)

That’s probably why my mama insisted I have more respect for myself than to give up my body to just any ol’ knucklehead who nibbled on my sweet spots and whispered a few cheesy compliments in my ear. She told me not to rely on a man for anything I could do for myself, from changing a tire to balancing a checkbook. And she regularly warned me that trying to keep a guy content with material things and all kinds of special favors was only going to leave me broke, busted and disgusted, as demonstrated by the ‘hood heartbreak unfolding under my window.

I listened, for the most part, until I fell hard and just had to underscore her warnings with my own experience because, like a true hardheaded Taurus/Gemini, I couldn’t be warned that the stove was hot without touching a burner for confirmation. It was fine during the relationship. All pink ponies and pretty rainbows because I was helping my bay. We were gonna get married, we were gonna have a family, we were gonna frolic through a lifetime of conjoined bliss.

Then he dumped me, and I had to see him walk around in clothes, Timbs and sneakers that I’d bought for him and go on a date with the next girl. I’d paid some of that dude’s bills when I barely had enough money to cover my own. You know those moments in the Bugs Bunny cartoons when his face momentarily turns into jackass head? Yeah, he-haw indeed. Mommy was right. I was, however, able to breathe one sign of relief: My infatuation once inspired me to buy that man a Movado. I was beyond thankful that I had at least that little piece of good sense to repossess that bad boy before the relationship imploded and get my money back.

Women are nurturers by nature, and when we care about someone we want to take care of them, help them, see them comfortable and happy. But some of us are just steady trying to win the affections of a man by giving up parts of ourselves: our bodies, our energy, our money. Some of us learn once, some of us never learn. Matter of fact, the holidays are about to be winning season for plenty of Diontays out there. But inasmuch as we give of ourselves and our checking accounts, we need to look out for number one. I’ve seen guys pick up their mistresses in vehicles purchased for them by their wives, girlfriends, or at least their favorite baby mama. And I’m sure this won’t be the last time I hear about a woman—or two—scorched because she had been some undeserving man’s benefactor.



  1. James

    One attribute missing from most assessments is arrogance. The author said the women look good, which is number one and number two they must be somewhat successful since they can by a man a car and other things. 

    These kinds of women are extremely arrogant. It’s funny because they never date men with a plan. Who would rather self sacrifice a few material things to chase a dream. 

    Instead they date these peacocks who play the game to a T. Having already conned other women their wardrobe is replete with today’s over priced gear. 

    The women I guess see that as a positive( this is a cycle-the  more he gets from women he then can use to get other women).   Without assessing the man over time they don’t check his fly gear (and maybe his pad too) against everything else. And if anyone of her friends & family don’t jump on board on how great he is-everyone is a hater. His education level, his occupations room for advancement, of course his age looked at over a period of time would tell you who are you dealing with. I mean when these women introduce these dolts they never give a hint he’s really a bum in kings clothing, nope its some murky made up crap about some fluzzy job title that is code for he (if he works) works a barely above min wage retail gig and has no ambitions. 

    Afterall it’s hard to explain how a non college educated 32 yr old man can drive an Audi and he doesn’t work for a city/state/gov’t job with a rising scale wage. In NYC a sanitation worker after about five years with OT can clock $70-80k. But this lack of oversight -willingly of course this isn’t the fine print on a cell phone contract, this is where arrogance kicks in.This is why men always want to know what a dude does for a living not to judge him but rather try to put together how does he maintain a lifestyle. Hell just in joking I’ve put chicks on that her dude is suspect.

    Especially if dude has kids. Even  if he has a college education these women still after time need to check their egos and ask hardball questions, and if the answers aren’t what they want to hear then leave. But it’s clear these kinds of women don’t give a fcuk. They are so stuck on them selves they would rather argue with the next chick than cut their losses. Pride is costly.

    • EbonyLolita

      THIS is nothing but the truth James!!!!

  2. Nehemiah53

    Janelle You suffer from the strong independent black women syndrome you rather have a mentally weak do not know how to be a man “play boy” as your man rather than a man who is operating in the nature in which he was created, that is to be the head, the leader and that’s the type of man you so call strong independent sister fear and dislike because you don’t want him to tell you and your children what to do you value your independence so you gravitate to the weak needed play boy because he make you feel you are leading him I know because I use to be him, he keep moving from women to women because deep down inside he know he is less than a man but you think your nurturing will help him and make him feel better but it want, I don’t feel sorry for you sister because you got what you wanted that is mostly good sex or some sex and you were willing to pay for it, you knew how he was so what made you think he was going to change for you!

  3. Chanel_P

    I so want to blame the mothers that are raising AMERICAN boys into freeloading men but the blame game is fruitless.

    Yes, conceptually two-parent homes rock! BUT it still takes a village. Often those two parents pass on the culture or lack of culture that they were brought up in. Parenting is important but even good parents drop the ball. My parents, still married, are amazing ppl but they didn’t give me much direction on sex or money because their parents didn’t give them a foundation to teach from. They figured sex and money out, they knew I was smart, so they guessed I would too.

    Families spend less time with each other and life is the most complicated its ever been. Our communities must support each other in order to save our youth from being sugar mamas and freeloaders. Throughout history religion regulated what was deemed acceptable for a man and woman within a romantic relationship. Since many of us have abandoned the disciple of religion, myself included, we live by our own codes. Sadly the culture of freeloading/sugar mama (daddy) is taught to children and reinforced in media/arts. There is no Martin Luther King or Malcomn to lead us in a organized direction or rally us around a moral code. We are on our own, thus the C.R.E.A.M. culture persist.

  4. Another scenario/discuss piece. A decent one too

    However the (over) “analysis” so far is way off, gone into the realms complete lunacy.

    This one’s straightforward since there are no clear villains or victim here.

    All I see are three people who have each made informed choices – as opposed to choices based on trust, only to have their choices blow up in their faces.

    Well buyer beware – charge it to game and learn to play better next time.

    This was sloppiness on the guy’s part – one should never sh*t in one’s own backyard, and poor conflict management on the part of the women.

    What’s more interesting are the issues to do with gender roles, the scenario throws up.

    This scenario is a particularly distasteful one for women because it involves a woman who spends money on a man, unthinkable for many women because they think they should be the receivers – not givers. This attitude is revealed by the woman in the story, the woman who wrote the story and the women in comments.


    Well I’m with you on this one, let’s make it that anyone who spends money on someone else in a relationship context is legally entitled to ask for their money back if the other party cheats.


  5. Ok – next.

    What is it with these guys who seem to live every moment of their lives walking in jealousy of any man who has any level of success with women?

    Any woman who doesn’t want your weak self is a loser chooser – right?

    These people use every “wronged woman” tale as an opportunity to plunge the knife deeper into backs of other men.

    But let’s take a look at YOU

    Seems to me that YOU’RE the loser since YOU CAN’T COMPETE on any of the qualities women prize in men – money, looks, game – or any combination of thereof.

    If I’m mistaken about you then why do you b*tch at women for being more attracted to men with those particular qualities?

    Furthermore what’s left to be attracted to if you take those out?

    broke ugly boring and stupid – or any combination thereof.

    We know for sure that the stupid part is right because you keep calling your own self out.


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