When I look at the past men I’ve dated, I’m pretty fortunate that I’m still friends with some of them and consider a few of them some of my best friends. The couple of dates and relationships that went sour either were because of cheating, or they were just jerks. I will admit I had a faulty jerk-dar early on in my dating life. But thankfully through experience and learning more about myself and other personalities, I can sniff out a jerk a mile away. The 5 pointers below may come in handy for some, or provide a good laugh or two.

1. He is convinced that he is a “catch”
Whether his permanent address is his mother’s couch, or he owns a posh McMansion on the outskirts of the city, a jerk is a jerk because he cannot distinguish between a woman’s interest and desperation. The jerk assumes that a) he is in fact a catch (even if it’s just because he has a pulse or has been acquitted of any felonies) and b) you want to marry him and have his children. And you are willing to take a number on the off-chance that you might be the lucky one. Of course there are some women who feel a sense of desperation when it comes to securing a lasting intimate relationship (bka a commitment). I can honestly say I don’t personally know any of these women (maybe they’re already married); however, I’m pretty sure there are a few out there. Then there are women who are free from such malaise and simply make an effort to have a dynamic existence that isn’t focused around or preoccupied with romantic relationships. Guess which women jerks prefer? While the latter are more likely to engage in a more genuine interaction, the former will make the jerk feel like Adonis. Granted, the jerk is apt to paint any single woman who expresses or shows interest in him as being desperate; however, when it’s time for confirmation he knows which one to call. Or text.

2. He has nothing good to say about any of his exes
Maybe you’ve had mostly bad experiences in relationships. Maybe mostly good. Hell, maybe you’ve never been in a relationship. The jerk, typically, has no fond memories of past relationships. Even more likely, as cliché as it may seem, many have been hurt by women and are determined to make every subsequent woman they are involved with suffer for her lack of interest. From that point onward, they show disdain or even disgust for the women they deem to be as weak and vulnerable as they once were.

3. He texts often, but rarely, if ever, calls

Everybody texts. It’s convenient, it can be funny, you can send naughty pictures. It’s great. It’s also emotionally detached and can be downright disrespectful. I’ve done my share of online dating. If a man texts and texts and even asks you out via text, if he never calls the chances that you’re going on a date are slim to nil. In a more “established” interaction, numerous texts and very few calls are likely a sign that 1) he’s not really interested in hearing your voice or having a conversation with you and/or 2) he wants to communicate with you just enough to keep you on the roster. And please believe, he does have a roster if only in his head.

4.You’re attracted to him
Do you find yourself little disappointed when you find out that the man you’re interested in just isn’t “manly” enough or just not rough enough around the edges for you? If to you manly means overbearing, critical, and controlling and rough around the edges means a multiple page rap sheet, then you are probably a jerk magnet. The jerks don’t even have to come to you because you seek them out. If you’re telling your girlfriends wild stories of seemingly psychotic women banging on your door while you and the jerk are en flagrante derelicto, or tales of how he called you a bitch . . . again, you’re definitely a jerk magnet. Unless you just like dating jerks, get some input from a good friend before you go plunging in headfirst.

5.He tells you…
I love the movie Bridesmaids. My favorite part is when the protagonist’s car breaks down and the rich, handsome jerk she is “seeing” pulls up to her in his Porsche and says “What’s up, fu*k buddy?” My second favorite part is about three minutes later when she is so annoyed by his requests for fellatio in the moving car that she asks to be let out on the side of the road. The he yells out of the window as he pulls away : “You are no longer my number 3!”

Most jerks are unabashed womanizers. The jerk will make it very clear either implicitly or explicitly that he is involved with a number of women. He may even tell you your ranking as rankings are crucial. It is a contest, ladies.

  • The Other Jess

    LOL!

  • The Patient One

    No, Camille, I don’t.

  • camille

    So, Patient One, what solution do you offer?

  • camille

    Now, you gotta get a different screen name if you don’t like talking on the phone lol. J/k

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