Basic Rules for Being A Side Chick

by Demetria L. Lucas

I’ve published this with a bit of trepidation. Years ago, a fellow writer-friend wrote a similarly titled post about how to be a good jump off and hell fire and damnation rained upon him from across the Internet.  To be clear: in no way am I suggesting that a side-chick is a role to strive for (nor is being the “main chick”, the implication being that there’s you and others). I am, however, suggesting if that Girlfriend Number Two is the role you have settled upon, then you must stay in the lane you chose or leave the “relationship”.

It seems like everyone and their mama is talking about former CIA head David Petraeus, who resigned on Friday due to an extra-marital affair. It was on the front page of most newspapers and their accompanying sites, and every commentator has been ready with talking points, which can be loosely summarized as “what the hell was he thinking? Petraeus was the head of the Central Intelligence Agency and some baffling way how thought he could send letters to his mistress and they would go undiscovered.

The affair – with married biographer Paula Broadwell —would have likely gone undetected a wee bit longer, if Broadwell hadn’t sent anonymous and threatening emails to Jill Kelley (also married), a woman she believed was romantically involved with Petraeus. (Kelley denies she any romantic involvement.) Kelley reported the harassing emails to the FBI, they traced them back to Broadwell and in the process discovered her affair with Petraeus. Womp, womp.

Broadwell’s actions make it clear that some side chicks are confused about their role in relationships (or, er, not. Ebony.com recently ran a story about a mistress of 15 years who was uncomfortably cool in her lane.) In the spirit of helping all the “other women” out there, I offer the following suggestions:

Do Expect Him to Cheat With Other Women
I know he’s told you his “situation” is “complicated”  and maybe he’s even said “I love you.” If he really did, you would have already been Number 1. It’s all lies (which for the men reading, ya’ll have to stop doing. Filling women’s heads with fantasies, even if she should know better, is how you get the windows busted out your car). Maybe you two really do have some sort of bond. Fine. It’s still completely unreasonable to expect someone who is demonstrating a penchant for infidelity by being with you, to be faithful—sort of because he’s still having sex with the woman he’s claiming—to you.

Do Use Condoms
Don’t be in denial. He’s not just having sex with you. At minimum, it’s you and the woman he’s still claiming. Your situation is bad enough. There’s no sense in bringing a kid into it (and that’s also no guarantee he’ll leave his woman or that she’ll leave him) or contracting and sexually transmitted infection.

Do Not Contact the Main Girl
You knew when you took up with him—or shortly thereafter– that there was already someone in the Number 1 spot. You may not have liked it, but by staying, you accepted your role. Her position doesn’t change because you caught feelings and now you want him to be yours alone. And too, she probably knows about you—you’re likely not the first or the last—and for whatever reason, she’s chosen to stick around.

Even if “wifey” were to leave, opening up that main slot, you’re unlikely to get promoted to the position. Plus, do you really want it? If he cheats with you, he’ll definitely cheat on you.

Do Not Contact the Other Woman/Women
You have no leverage as you’re not his wife/woman/girl. How do you even identify yourself on that call? “Hey, this is Jenna. I’m Malcolm’s… uh…” What do you ID yourself as?

“You need to leave Malcolm alone because he’s my….” What are you to him, really?

There’s more than one reason Broadwell reached out to Kelley anonymously, and one is that the woman she believed to be the “other woman” was going to laugh at her like she was Carrie at prom. The other-other woman also isn’t going to stop whatever it is she’s doing that you don’t like.  Why? 1) Because again you have no leverage; and 2) while you’re saying “stop”, he’s saying “go!” Take up any issues you have with other women with “your” man.

Do Not Expect Sympathy After a “Break Up”
You’re going to get your heart broken. To think otherwise is just faulty logic. I know, I know.  You know someone who knew someone who was in your position and things all worked out in the end. That’s the exception to rule. Statistically, you are more likely to be the rule.

In general, people don’t offer much sympathy for adults who make clear-cut bad decisions—whatever the long list of compelling reasons– and are made to face the consequences for them. Everyone’s interested in the details of Petraeus and Broadwell’s affair, but they’re not sympathetic toward them. They just want the salacious details. Sympathy is only extended to Petraeus’s long–suffering wife of more than 37 years, Broadwell’s unassuming husband and the children from the two marriages. That’s it.

The upside is that you may find empathy from those who are in your former situation. Go there if you need a shoulder to cry on.

Do Expect to Lose Your Significant Other
Gender politics don’t work in your favor here. Many a man has cheated openly and still kept his woman, or for a while anyway. (See KobeClinton and Kilpatrick for details.) You are not likely to be so fortunate to walk away with your commitment bruised, but in tact.

It’s possible that your man will stay; it’s more probable hat he will not. I expect to read about Broadwell’s husband packing up any day now. I’m not putting money on Petraeus’s wife leaving him.

Do Stop Being the Side Chick
I’ll offer you the benefit of the doubt that when you were emotionally in too deep when you discovered he had a lady. That he didn’t tell you upfront was the large red flag waving in the wind. But you didn’t want to see it, or maybe you thought you could change him. I get it. I do. But it is what it is and you can’t change him. You can however change your status. Being the single chick trumps being the side chick any day.

Demetria L. Lucas is the author of “A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life” (Atria) in stores now. Follow her on Twitter @abelleinbk

  • Christa

    This article is very true. I always giggle a little when i see a side chick acting like she has “rights”. Umm.. learn the rules before you play the game. The last rule should be to expect that karma to come back on you!

  • Erin

    I thought it was hilarious that Broadwell, a woman already married to another man but still a sidechick, had the nerve to contact Petraeus’ woman friend, telling her to “Back off” as if she has any ownership over this man, who is also married. That whole entire situation is a ridiculous mess.

    Anyway, women that are side chicks have to be the most insecure women on the planet. Men that allow other women to come into their relationships are disgusting. And the wives/significant others that decide to stay after experiencing all of that unnecessary drama, lies, and betrayal are better than me, because I couldn’t. This all goes back to the lack of honesty and communication in relationships, “Mature people tell the truth to avoid drama”… because when that ish hits the fan………

  • Klara

    Why being so judgmental ? A wife does not own her husband, a husband doesn’t own his wife. Not everybody share the same religion nor the same morality. Some people believe in marriage, some other don’t. Not everybody has to be monogamous. Nothing to do with insecurity or amorality. Be free and safe and do not judge…

  • Anonin

    Dont believe in marriage but get married. Dont have the moral code but make the vows.

    Yeah okay.

    This isnt bf/gf level this is something that hurts partners and more importantly kids . Anyone whoelse uses that argument for a domestic affair is wasting their loved ones time.

    Just how i feel.

  • http://AirInDanYell.tumblr.com Erin

    I agree with Anonin… If you don’t believe in the sanctity of marriage or honoring the vows that you make at the altar, nobody is forcing you to get married. Polyamorous relationships are also, or should be, based around honesty and open communication.

  • Carmina

    People are hurt because they want to own their hubsbands and wives. They hope to be able to restrain their desires. It’s just not possible.Statistics are showing that a vast majority of people cheat on their partners…

  • D.T.

    The only rule a side chick needs is this: Players don’t feel.

    Take his money and keep going. Lol!

    I haven’t done this but I will not sit back and judge a woman that has. Whatever……

  • Box

    @Anonin Exactly, I notice the people who run around cheating the most stay in relationships. Just be single and protect yourself if you sleep around.

  • http://www.myblackfriendsays.com myblackfriendsays

    I’ve never been a side piece, but I must say–these seem like practical tips.

  • Yb

    I wonder how many commentators will come out and defend being a mistress.

  • Sweetles

    There will be plenty…get your popcorn ready.

  • Maria

    Okay. I will say Im guilty!

    I broke up with my ex because I was unhappy. Im dating someone else and he’s in a relationship with someone but we still go on dates, go to each others family functions, buy stuff for each other (the other day he asked me what I wanted for xmas), and yes we still have sex. His girl knows about me. My guy doesnt know about him. Does this technically make me a side chick? I dont know.

    Do I want him back as a boyfriend. Not right now! At some point when he’s done going through his asshole phase. Sure!

  • Lady P

    They might. Plenty exists…

    b/c a side chick #1 or #2 believes they are just entitled as the wife/main gf. This is why we hear more of the calling the wife, break-up of families, or even worse.

    People just need to stop or stay single (be honest). These husbands/wives make very poor choices. Im not condoning cheating, but a “side chick” boldness is mindboggling to me. Even if the husband doesn’t tell you, they will eventually. This is why the cheating or the intent to cheat shouldn’t even start. I think they care more about what the man is doing for them, want more of it or all of it , and doesn’t want it to stop. So they tell the wife/ main gf and if he is a cheater; all he will do is go find another. This is what they don’t realize.

    I’ve always been the wife type, but seen and heard many of the “side chick” shenanigans thru several male family members’ poor choices. The “side chick” will call, drive-by, or show up somewhere. The more information she receives, the more she will utilize. The side chick’s respect for his home walked out the very day he walked into hers. So these men similar to Petraeus shouldn’t be surprised once the situation begins to crumble. Just a mess…

  • Lady P

    Honey, I’ve heard worse!

  • http://lorrikey.com Lorri

    Summed it up with that last one…..DO STOP BEING THE SIDE CHICK. No good comes out of it.

  • lol

    let me get this straight, because a vast majority (your words)of people cheat on their partners you have come to the conclusion that it is not possible for people to “restrain ” their desires?

    funny how you just totally skipped “they chose to not restrain themselves”.

    people always have choices.

  • lol

    @Maria

    why do you think it’s “just a phase” (his *ssholishness) as opposed to his personality (the man he is)?

    just curious.

  • Anthony

    As a man who was a sorry excuse for a player when I tried to play, I will just say that “side chicks” sooner or later give a man grief, not that he deserves any sympathy. As a married man, I will just say that I love women, but I love a headache free life even more!

  • Leila

    Spoken like a side chick. Only a homewrecker gets defensive when people point out how low down dirty to the ground women chasing after someone else’s husband are.

  • Sassa

    So cultural…In many other countries, men who cheat on their wives are blamed, in america, just side chicks are blamed. But those girls and women didn’t make any vows…

  • Leila

    That makes you a garden tool and you know it.

  • Kay

    Chile, please!! If a person doesn’t share the same views of commitment, then he/she should be honest with their partner and let the other person decide if they can compromise or if they should leave. Love is about honesty and trust, if you don’t have that, I don’t care what kind of moral code you have, it’s not going to work.

  • df

    yeah definitely not just america…and this is trial by media…don’t assume the media speaks for us.

  • df

    I’m so tired of hearing of this scandal. I actually had a dream last night that my dad had an affair with this same woman and a whole drama ensued…I woke up with a dang headache. The only people I feel for are the children and spouses of the people involved in this circus.

    And this should not be getting SO much attention in the US media, it’s too much!! There are so many important, pressing issues than these people’s personal lives and marital misconduct.The guy didn’t have an affair with an iranian spy and spill imporatnt, national secrets to her. This is just tabloid material.

  • Blue

    Rule #1 DON’T BE A SIDE CHICK. GET SOME STANDARDS!!!!

  • No Shiggitynodoubt

    Anyone that with cheat with you will cheat on you. You have no chips to play with in a side arrangement. Just stay single and avoid the drama.

  • belle/demetria

    for clarity: I don’t blame the other woman. Both parties share equal blame, the married persons– as both are here– are more responsible.

    I’d address guys, but I just don’t find value in addressing what men should do on a site predominately visited by women. That and men don’t take advice from women on how to be better men.

  • http://gravatar.com/nolakiss16 binks

    Lol this article remains me what my granddad use to joke about by saying back in the day there use to be rules to A) having a mistress (i.e. man doesn’t openingly dissrespect his family, side chick doesn’t take anything from the household, they don’t monopolize time and for thr most part stay secret) and B) roles of mistress (article stated most of it) now these days men are treating side chick as number 1 chick by making them their confidant and bringing them to the forefront and women getting way to comfortable in said role. Great tips ESPECIALLY THE LAST (And man not having one) people are so down on morals, respect and values these days that it seems the common theme of this generation is to be loose, unattached and anti-marriage/commitment as long as they are getting theirs than hell with everyone else. Maybe this is why I am so hard on cheaters personally

  • realtalkyo

    Right. Thus why I am single. No drama!!! And pray to stay that way. No one wants real love and its all a game. Only ppl who believe in fairy tales wants real love!! Pathetic humans!!! Single and loving it!!!

  • Gina

    I was a “side chick” for a while after a bad break up and didn’t want to be in an official relationship. It was convenient at the time. I agree with all of the rules above, especially the last one. Know when to leave. This is the type of behavior that’s OK in your 20′s, but by the time you’re 29/30, you should know what you want in a relationship and look for exclusivity.

  • Do better

    The bottom line is don’t settle for being a “side chick”, ever. In my opinion it is damaging to your self esteem at any age, and you can’t possibly feel good about yourself knowing you’re not someone’s priority and that you’re living a deceitful and seedy life. If you didn’t know that the man was married/attached but later find out, good for you. You now know you don’t need to waste any more of your energy and emotion on something that isn’t going anywhere. There are enough men to go around, I promise, regardless of what men themselves try to make you believe. Why people sit around and waste precious moments of their lives on these toxic, dead-end situations is beyond me! Actually I do know why they do it, it is low self esteem and perceived lack of options but life doesn’t have to be that way. If you believe you are amazing and enjoy yourself fully, that energy will naturally attract like-minded people. All I can say is that life so so short and people that accept back-door, low-brow downmarket treatment from anyone will pay emotionally at some point. They can delude themselves into feeling like it isn’t affecting them for a while, but after the years have set in and they’ve made no progress towards a happy committed relationship they will be kicking themselves for not having honored themselves. No judgement for women who are still figuring things out, I’ve been there as well but I am SO happy to say I will never return to that miserable place!

  • http://VerityReign.com Verity Reign

    Idk what I find more entertaining, the post or the comments. lol. Good stuff!

  • http://galleryqui.wordpress.com mizqui

    Amen Blue.

  • Ms. Write

    Why is everybody acting all high and mighty? Women are the worst persecutors of each other. You can’t speak on a situation you know nothing about so please miss me with this holier than thou attitude. As human beings we have all made actions that are regrettable. At least Maria owns up to it. “Let she who is without sin cast the first stone”.

  • Ms. Write

    Hey Klara! I see where you are coming from. The problem however is when both parties are not in agreement of the terms of marriage/relationship and the lies and deceit come in. If a partner is ok with the significant other going outside of the marriage, then that’s them. But I find it funny everyone finds such pleasure in throwing stones. But if we were to pull the skeletons out of everyone’s closet….and no I’m not a side chick. lol

  • cosmicsistren

    I long fort he day when an article is written for men on how to be better husbands or at the least learn to cover their cheating ways. The excuse that ” men don’t take advice from women on how to be better men” is just tired. I am sick and tired of the focus/blame put on women. The author is just following the played out trend of blaming women for the actions committed by men. I don’t know about the rest of you but I’m sick of it.

  • Ooh La La

    The only “rule” about being a side chick, is respect yourself enough not to be a side chick. Have enough dignity and self-assurance to know you’re worthy to be an ONLY chick.

  • http://tontonmichel.tumblr.com/ Tonton Michel

    What wonderful advice to give.

  • MisterMisBehaven

    Western European cultural standards of monogamy only “marriages/relationships” are prone to infidelity because in least in the lack community , Black women are in such a huge surplus. What are these lonely, sexually starved sistas to do? I mean a side chick sounds to me like a single and well developed woman with a reality check on what her needs are!

    I have personal research with side chicks and found them the “best of the best” of a relationship.She knows what you are there for and she complies. Ain’t nuttin like having your cake and eating it too!

    Trust me on this!

    Holla

    .

  • MisterMisBehaven

    I also observed that no visual comparison of Petraus’ wife and Paula Broadwell the “side chick” in the Basic Rules for Being A Side Chick comments. It appears wifey had declined in sexual appearance over the years (she cracked) while Paula was a “dime piece!”

    Analysis: Many Black women, single, sexually needy, “eye candy” or not in fantasy or reality “MAY” find a man (married or in a relationship) they can adore especially if he is perceived as aristocratic, attractive, and “available.”

    Just a thought!

    Holla

  • Pseudonym

    What country is this (or many countries as you say) where men who cheat on their wives are blamed?…

  • Rue

    “They hope to be able to restrain their desires. It’s just not possible.”
    If sexual desires were impossible to restrain, rape would not be a major felony. You CAN, so get that straight, it’s just some people choose not to. and that’s fine but they still can.

  • Rue

    Well, there’s Pamela Harriman….

  • MisterMisBehaven

    Oh I see the ladies got their bellies full of “Hater-Aid” on the comments I made. Well ladies, don’t hate the playa, hate the game!!!!!

    holla

  • Sassa

    In France, germany, in west africa, in southern africa, you wouldn’t primarily blame the woman. Men are held accountable for their infedility…

  • Bella

    Why should everybody have the same standards and look for exclusivity? Is there only one way? Why should ou want that at 29 ? ‘A bit arbitrary, isnt it?

  • Astrud

    So true!!!

  • Do better

    I can’t take anyone seriously who:
    a. Still uses the word “holla” as a farewell after 02′ and
    b. Replies to their own (weak) posts twice

    P.S. Your delusional arguments aren’t fooling anyone, that’s why no one else replied. Go troll somewhere else with your played out, late 90′s Michael Baisden/Tariq Nasheed drivel

  • lol

    i see yah!

    ;>)

  • kylieky

    that type of behavior is never ok

  • justanotheropinion

    There really is only one rule: Don’t be a side chick. The examples in the article only serve to show you why.

  • Bekah

    Amen

  • Overseas_Honeybee

    Never really ends well for either party. Know your worth…that goes for the brothas too. A few minutes of pleasure/good convo here and there versus a lifetime of regret, embarressment and hurt.

    If your marriage/relationship is not working take steps to fix it or throw the deuces. Lying and sleeping around is a cop out.

  • http://gravatar.com/motrenaissance Adonis

    Sidechicks make the world go round. Women gon’ have to share

  • Gina

    No I don’t think it is arbitrary, and I never said everyone should have the same standards. That was purely my opinion. I used 29/30 as a base, come my find what they want early, some later. But in my opinion, by that age, you should stop trying to figure stuff out and playing relationship games and know what you want.

  • Gina

    To each his own..

  • Caramel

    Demetria darling, please edit your “articles” because they are really haphazard and hard to read with all the errors. It appears as if you are lazy and don’t care.

  • Gina

    I think there is a misconception here. Not all women that are a side chick are settling. Yes there are those that are side chicks that secretly want to be his #1 and have low self esteem, and listen to whatever lies these men try to tell. Then there are those that have a mutual agreements from day one. No stress, just good company whenever you need it. I do agree with you that if it is lasting years, then something is wrong and you are just settling for whatever.

  • http://gravatar.com/g2-5bad1203f6a970f65345273e8eff5cd2 jazzyphile

    Naomi “the Patron Saint of side chicks” seems to be doing quite well in this position.

  • Tallulah Belle

    I actually thought that this partcular article was well edited. I liked it. As a friend to many ladies who cheat with a wide variety of losers, I liked Demetria’s composition here. It is advice, unheeded advice, that I give to my friends. Always ends in them crying off their mascara one night and making a beeline for the therapists chair. Also, it always ends in an incredible amount of bitterness toward other women. Misdirected rage. This piece was so. incredibly. on. point.

  • Pseudonym

    Did you say WEST AFRICA?!!!!…

    [bursts out in laughter]

    I think “West Africa” was one of the LAST places I expected to hear/read. (Not to mention, you could’ve named some countries like you did for France and Germany.)

    I’ve never heard of or seen such a thing coming out of “West Africa.” If anything, my West African female friends (both young and older, 20s-50s mostly from from Nigeria, Cameroon, Sierra Leone) have raised the white flag and just accept that “all men are bums” (quoted straight from a Cameroonian coworker’s mouth).

    …and let’s not get on my many friends with Nigerian fathers who were playing house with their mothers in the US/UK for them to find out later that homeboy had an ENTIRE family back home. and kids both slightly older and slightly younger than they are (and you know what that means…).

    [shrugs] I mean…if you say so…but I remember all this news of a woman being stoned in Nigeria for having extramarital sex and hearing absolutely NOTHING about the guy she was sleeping with. or any stories of Nigerian men being stoned for cheating on their wives…maybe the truth lies somewhere in between us both, but I know that this “blaming men who cheat on their wives” is DEFINITELY not common enough for you to scoff at Americans for giving side eyes to side chicks and claim that Nigerians do it so much better.

  • Nic

    You aren’t lying there…those white society women actually are able to run that game quite well.
    There are MANY white women like Pamela Harriman. A biography just came out on a prominent Washington socialite from the same era who always had a rich and powerful husband while having several high profile lovers.
    Winston Churchill’s mother was another that it worked out well for. His younger brother was not his father’s son.
    But no, not a good bet for most women, esp. not black ones.

  • cosmicsistren

    The advice should be to the husband and not the side chick. If the husband had kept his penis in his pants this situation would have never happened. Once again the focus shifts to the other woman and not the person that started all this mess.

  • BoutDatLove

    How can a man set rules for a side chick, when he already set the standard by disrespecting his wife & family. If you openly disrespect your wife and family, of course she would cross all ”boundaries” because you did the same when you made her your ”side chick.” R-E-S-P-ECT.

  • Sewwhat

    Sistren, what I’m hearing is that women don’t EVER push-up on a man that is spoken for. Yes, men are obligated to the women they’re in a relationship with but we as women have to do better and stop falling for the “Willy Bo-Bo” and allowing these men to “Susu” in our ear!!

  • Ange B

    Yes we know Petraeus, committed adultery but in this case so did Broadwell. Both were married and they are equally guilty. The difference is that she decided to contact Kelley a woman he was probably pursuing with threatening emails/phone calls etc. As this article states its about basic rules for Side Chicks. There was mention about what the person stepping out should do as well. The discussion seemed to be intended to focus on the other woman in this case.

  • lol

    if you ever hear of a woman being stoned (as in this case) they are most likely Muslim, so it has more to do with religion than “country” or culture.

    and most men , wherever in the world, are going to catch hot sh!t from the wife for cheating. most men.doesn’t mean they stop though.

  • Pseudonym

    I agree, but this comment (didn’t link properly) was in response to an above comment scoffing at this story as the reaction being “so American” and claiming that in West Africa it’s done so much better b/c people hold the men responsible for an affair. NOT true. No matter what the religion, that stoning still took place in Nigeria, which is in Africa.

  • yvette

    II totally agree with you, you,re right on point. We as women need to have RESPECT for ourselves, so that we don,t get caught up in these sittuations!

  • Michele

    Caramel was referencing the spelling and grammar errors in the article, not the topic or Demetria’s advice. The fact is there are a lot of errors in this piece, which is poor workmanship for a professional writer! Sadly, this isn’t an isolated incident, for Demetria as well as many other writers. We all should take pride in our work. If you are going to submit something for thousands of people to read, or even just one for that matter, you should have enough respect for your audience, as well as yourself, to craft a grammatically correct piece that flows well and has been proof read several times. I too found this particular article difficult to read, as it contained a lot of grammar errors. Without proper comma placement, the story doesn’t flow well and makes certain sentences confusing to read.

  • ASHY ELBOW

    Preach! I thought I was the only person who noticed it. The article is interesting but the grammar is no bueno, and Lucas has no excuse.

  • ASHY ELBOW

    My friend J has a woman at home with a baby, and his side chick is expecting one. Obviously rule 2 by Lucas was not respected…The side piece knew from the very beginning that the guy has a live-in girlfriend. Now, she’s acting like my friend is the bad guy, when the man was hones enough to tell her about the main chick from the get-go. Pathetic!

    It’s still a mystery to me why some women of all walks of life accept the side chick solution. And a lof women have been involved in side peace-like situations. I can understand if the guy was secretly sexing another woman but settle for side b is just beyond me.

  • LadyH

    Side chicks might make the world go round but side bros make it all worth while! Pick your lane, stay in it, and live with the consequences. Don’t go boo hooing about the outcome.

  • JP

    Convenient? For who? How can you be so inconsiderate? I really don’t get it. It’s one thing if you don’t know that a man is in another relationship but if you know, or have serious doubts that he’s not being honest about his relationship status with someone else, than by all means leave it alone. Most likely you will end up hurt and you’re definitely hurting his “main chick” too. The lack of consideration for other women and what you would want if you were in the other person’s position is destroying relationships and families.

  • Alwazryt

    I’ve been a side chick many times. I’ve enjoyed the roll because most likely I’d never trust him to be my MAIN man anyway. And in some cases, he’s not my type to be my main man. His role was a “maintenance man” and that’s it. I’ve NEVER contacted the girlfriend. Never put him in an awkward position so that she may suspect it’s me. I constantly remind them to erase our texts or back my calls out his phone. And have often worked as counsellor to help preserve his relationship. I’m the IDEAL side chick for any man. Do I want my own man,sure I do. But in the meantime…

  • Gina

    So, should I let my consideration for others guide me in every single decision I make in life? Yes, it was convenient for me. I was honest with him from the start about what I wanted, it was his decision to be honest with his “main girl”. When I was done with him, I broke it off. Simple. No one got hurt and everyone remained happy. I didn’t want friends with benefits, or a relationship.

  • E. Shani

    I’m sorry, but this is so stupid. How can you set rules for someone who is clearly not following any rules? I expect a side chick (AKA a morally bankrupt person) to behave exactly like a morally bankrupt person. Are there rules among killers and thieves? If there were, would they follow them? Any man who brings a dishonest, selfish woman into his life (which is by definition any side chick) should not be surprised when she doesn’t “stay in her place”. In fact, he should have expected it. Ridiculous.

  • Maria

    Oh of course! This make me a “garden tool”

    Yet! I have only had sex with 3 people in my 24 years of living.

  • Maria

    Im thinking that its just a phase because we were together for three years and two of those years were virtually perfect.

    Were in college. I met him my senior year of high school and he was in his second year of college. The third year of our relationship got rocky after arguing all the time he sat me down and explained to me that he was scared. He was scared that he was young and met the woman who wanted to spend the rest of his life with while all his friends were out being “players” and I guess he kind of envied them. I left. I didnt speak to him for a few months. He called me every week over those few months and I wouldnt answer. Over those few months I found someone else but one night I answered the phone and I was all in again. This “girlfriend” of his that I mentioned in the previous post is described as a friend by him and his friends who looks out for him… but Im not buying it.

    Should I just leave. Probably. But I guess Im just hopeful.

  • Kay

    I don’t think everyone has the same standards and that’s fine. But think about how we live in an age where Black women have the largest share of new HIV cases in the U.S. and other diseases are rampant. It’s a lot safer if you have a monogamous relationship with someone who has been tested and is disease free. The risk rises when you have sex with multiple people. So even if you’re all about polyamorous relationships, you have to be careful EVERY TIME. And let’s face it, most people aren’t, which is why the rate of disease and pregnancy in the US is higher than any other industrialized nation. I’m surprised no one else mentioned this.

  • Anthony

    I don’t care if your friend was upfront, he was an idiot to put his unwrapped wiener in his “side chick.” He was dumb to screw her at all.

  • Anthony

    Seriously, you can’t find a maintenance man who doesn’t have someone already? I’m pretty sure that no strings attached sex from single men isn’t that hard to get unless you are so incredibly fine and your sex is so good that the average man is hopelessly hooked!

  • Poison Ivy

    First and foremost, it needs to be clarified exactly what a committed relationship is that would warrant a man to be off-limits. In my book, a committed relationship equates to being married or engaged to be married. That knocks out baby mamas and girlfriends of multiple years (yes, even the live-ins). If you fall into either of the two just-mentioned categories and that man still hasn’t demonstrated a real commitment to you by asking for your hand, then your focus needs to be on re-evaluating your relationship — because a “side chick” is the least of your problems.

    Too often, women try to lay claim to men that aren’t really claiming them. (Apologies if I step on some toes here, but its real.) If you’ve been dating or “in a relationship” or even living with a man for more than 2 years and you’re both over the age of 30, just know that your “situation” does not equate to a committed relationship. I know you may think he’s yours, but he’s probably thinking someting else in his mind — and that’s why he hasn’t fully committed to you. Therefore, in some respects, he’s still fair game, at least he thinks he is. And he’s probably still keeping his options open and still looking for a woman that’s better suited for him. And this is where “side chicks” come in.

    Trust that very few quality women aspire to play the side. The men often don’t tell women the truth going in because, hey, they actually want a real shot at getting to know the woman and they know that she wouldn’t entertain him if she knew they were with someone else. Plus, men nowadays are shamefully spoiled, and they’re going to test the waters first BEFORE they up and jump ship on their situations; they’re not going to just recklessly abandon the comfort and convenience of their “main chick” for a “side chick” without first being sure that they’re moving forward into a better situation with the new girl.

    Again, the only relationship statuses that equate to off-limits are married and engaged. If you’ve been dating your man for five years (living together for three of those) and every Christmas he keeps coming up short with the hardware, well…just don’t expect an unwitting woman that he approaches to turn him down when he lies and says that he doesn’t have a girlfriend, and then don’t demonize her when she decides to continue to see him when he eventually comes clean months later and says that he’s got a situation that he’s trying to get out of. Who knows — it just might signal the demise of your “long-term” situation in the next few months, maybe or maybe not. And let’s be real, we all know couples that got together (and have gotten married) where one of the duo was in a situation with someone else when they first met. Hell, even Vince admitted that he had a girlfriend when he and Tamar first started “kicking it.”

    So, there you have it. Am I saying that women should aspire to play the side or be content to believe that a man is going to leave his “main chick” when he has zero intentions to do so? Absolutely not! But what I am saying is that unmarried/single women need to stop laying claim to men that don’t belong to them. (Let’s be clear — if you have no papers on him, he does not belong to you. No, not even if you’ve born and bred his beautiful Black child/ren.) Just remember that “main chick” isn’t a real title and doesn’t equate to what the majority of us are all trying to be if we’re honest with ourselves — a WIFE.

  • commonsense

    @poision ivy, I agree with you %100. You could not have more correct. I had a male friend that was telling his so-called main chick that he would NOT marry her. And this silly one was still calling any females she thought he was dealing with more than necessary. It’s just pathetic to me. If he says that he does not love you, not feeling you like that, and does not want to marry you, MOVE ON. And how dare they even claim these men as theirs. This is what people don’t understand when they call some when homewreckers. There was never a home to wreck. Papers = Wife.

    I love they way you put that reply DOWN!!!!!!

  • commonsense

    typo= could not have *been* more correct

    call some *women* homewrecker

  • Lady P

    Perfect ~ All of this!!!

    #LoveIt

  • Alwazryt

    PoisonIvy,
    You said a lot but every word of it needed to be said. I agree with you 100%. Women will know their Man is cheating and still hang in there, then blame the side chick for his actions instead of blaming him. I’ve been the “side chick” to a guy for a minute now but we have a great friendship. I even suggest things he should do to help make things right at the house. I’m not expecting him to leave her for me, nor do I want him to…they have two kids together and I want him to be a black man that stay and raise his children if she allows him to. Would I want him for my man…probably NOT because if he cheats with me, he’ll probably cheat on me. What we have works great for us. I don’t make any trouble for him and his household. The good thing about it is, I’ve told him…he’s my booty call I’m not his. So I call him when I want maintenance, he don’t get to call me as a convenience. Like Poison Ivy said, I didn’t aspire for this roll but I understand it. Also, I don’t do married or engaged, Poison Ivy you were right on the money on that also. We’ve also discussed when the opportunity comes along for me to date someone with potential, he and I will lose that part of our friendship, respectfully.

  • Alwazryt

    To Anthony,
    If he were a single man free and clear we would probably be working on a relationship. And actually the average man is so incredible hooked before we ever get to sex. Everyone has a talent and mine isn’t dancing, singing or drawing…mine is my personality. I was blessed with a great sense of humor, award winning personality and an extremely likable charm, and a great smile is a bonus. Every woman don’t win men over with sex then hope she has other good qualities. Men are hopelessly hooked and may NEVER get to my sex, because some friendships are meant to be just that “friendships”. Plus once the relationship is over, we’re still 9 of 10 times still able to maintain a friendship, because that was the foundation. By the way, you’re wrong a completely single man is hard to find.

  • Poison Ivy

    Alwazryt, you’re absolutely right — very rarely are men completely single. Most men have “something” going on; whether its a baby momma, ex-girlfriend, B.U.D.D.Y. or whatever who they’re mainly keeping around for regular sex. The confusion comes in when men aren’t honest about what they want from these situations and what role these women actually play in their lives. Then when they happen to run across a woman that they actually want to invest genuine time and interest in, all their baggage gets in the way of them moving on and developing healthy, solid relationships with other women.

  • Alwazryt

    I tell guys they create the drama in their lives by lying all the time. If they told Betty in the beginning he was seeing Wilma, Betty wouldn’t (shouldn’t) flip out when she see them together. If he was honest and told Thelma and Louise their just dating, instead of convincing them their the only one in his life, they migh not act-a-fool. Let the woman decide if that’s someSHE wants to deal with instead of him lying all the time. If Laverne knew up front he had a “live-in” she may not have flattened his tires when she found out about it in the streets. If a guy has a MAIN chick he should get to know his “side chick” before getting involved with her, to know if she’s going to accept her role. Stop having one night stands then wondering why your junk is raggedy.

  • Paul R

    I am a traditional English male, getting on in years and \I find this thread fascinating.Human nature being what it is, I am afraid this behaviour will continue and I speak from experience.I wish you all well

  • Alwazryt

    SMH,
    I strongly encourage you to stay a virgin until you marry or die. Hopefully you’ll marry someone with the same values. You’ll probably still have trials, issues and problems in your marriage but infidelity most likely won’t be one of them. Continue to have your virginity as a high moral value as it is to be admired.

  • truthisbitter

    You’re lying.
    Nobody can be “single” for life.
    Someone is hitting that.
    You’re just not telling.
    And that’s fine.

  • Maliah

    It baffles me how judgmental many are, especially when no one in this world is living a perfect life. Life is so unpredictable and takes you down many different roads when you least expect it. So being so judgmental is not justifiable, especially when you don’t know what type of situation you could be in one day.

    I am currently what you would call a “side chick” and of course I never expected this. I am in my mid 20s and have always been in long term relationships. After my last break-up, I happen to become friends with someone I had known of for a few years. I already knew he had a girlfriend and he was very upfront about it. We kept it on a friendship level at first but 1 thing led to another….We have been hanging out for several months now and we have so much fun together. We text/talk on the phone all day everyday, see each other just about everyday and our chemistry is great. He takes me out all the time, is always there for me and treats me like a queen. He and his girlfriend live together, and I am NOT going to deliberately cause any drama with them. I do not want to be in a relationship with him and could care less about what goes on at home.

    Am I currently dating others? Of course. Am I sexual with others? Absolutely not. If I happen to meet someone that I am highly interested in and want to take it to the next level, then this situation will definitely come to an end. But for now, I am enjoying myself and thank God for bringing him into my life.

    This will be the 1st and last time I’m ever in a situation like this, however, there is a 1st time for everything. I have never been a very judgmental individual and now that I’m in a situation I never would have expected to be a part of, I am even less judgmental then I’ve ever been before. And for the people who blame the females/side chicks in this situation, that’s hilarious. If the guy has chosen not to be faithful and stray, that has nothing to do with the female. Now if the man is married, that’s a whole different story. I do not condone breaking the vows you make to God at all! However, I will not judge people in these situations, only God can judge them.

    Apparently, this guy has been caught cheating before and his girlfriend has chosen to stay with him, so she already knows what type of guy she’s dealing with. This guy is like a best-friend to me and I could care less about the opinions of others’ regarding the situation. It won’t change my mindset or anything that we’re doing.

  • http://twitter.com/cummbubble1 The Thirst is Real (@cummbubble1)

    She got pretty eyes, but that lower half of her face pretty much establishes her sidechick status.

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