Do “Good” Men Cheat?

by Demetria L. Lucas

There was a book on my console table—the place where I keep all of the dating/relationship books that come in the mail, seeking a review— that said the answer was “yes”. The title was “Good Men Do Cheat”, a fact, not an opinion and not up for debate. I’d been avoiding giving the book a cursory browse because I anticipated my reaction would be scathing.

But there it sat, drawing my attention to it every time I entered or exited the house and inspiring me to think about it’s bold and confusing declaration. On day five of the NYC subway train by my house not running (thanks, Sandy) I gave in and picked it up.

Like I said, I was expecting not to like it. My definition of a “good man” is one who demonstrates respect, honesty, trustworthiness, some get-go and fidelity. I make allowances in perspective to acknowledge that good people occasionally do bad things. Martin Luther King, Jr. (and a long, long list of others) got Black folk out of Jim Crow, but it’s also alleged that he cheated on his wife rampantly. Good leader? Sure. Good man? Perhaps. Good partner? Jury’s out. Good people make mistakes. Of course they do. Forgetting to pick up your significant other’s dry cleaning is a mistake. Having sex with another person—and the series of bad decisions that lead up to it— isn’t “oops!” It’s willful, intentional. Bad.

See a “good man” to me is one who doesn’t cheat. And by cheat, I mean all that comes with having sex and/or establishing a deep emotional connection with someone who isn’t your partner. I’m talking about the dishonesty of lying, the deception of sneaking time with another person, the betrayal of a bond, the willingness to recklessly expose his body to potential disease— because it’s not like people get tested, then cheat, or that condoms, if even used, never break or you can’t catch herpes even with protection– and then exposes his partner as well.

Good is the guy who discusses whatever conflict is going on his head, and tries to work out the issues with partner. If they get some resolution, he respects her enough to leave the relationship. The cheater is what I would call a very bad man at worst, and partner, at best. Maybe he can be better, do good (like a superhero) for someone else. But for you, he’s probably a wrap.

Perhaps the funny thing is despite his book’s declaration “Good Men Do Cheat”, author Carl A. Roberts seems to hold a similar skepticism about good men and cheating. Oh, he says plenty of times in his pages some variation of: “Good men do cheat— it’s not a question, it’s a fact”. But it seems more like a catchy slogan or a great marketing title to him. Perhaps it’s a nuanced capture from the perspective of the cheating men Roberts spoke to, all of which – fascinatingly—described themselves as “good”. Or better, a pat way of making amends with the guys who have accused Roberts of breaking man code by giving women insider tips on cheating men. Roberts dedicates a chapter. “A Message to Men” defending himself against that accusation.

Maybe it’s all of the above.

Most of the book is a recount of what cheating men told Roberts about why and how they cheat in tens or hundreds of interviews. It’s  quite interesting and also nauseating in its misogyny. (Still, I recommend a read, so women know what they’re up against with some men.) What I did appreciate about Robert’s perspective – and totally didn’t expect to find— is that despite the title, he didn’t try to sell women on the idea that they should take the blame for a cheating man, put up with one, or contort their minds into thinking being cheated on was all good.

After laying out all the “types” of cheating men and how to catch one, Roberts seems fed up enough with cheating mankind to give it to women straight. He bluntly lays it out, “the more you allow [a man] to cheat then allow him to come back, the less attractive you become… you become a victim to your own lack of self-love.” It’s totally true, but I rarely expect men to give the advice they give to their daughters and female relatives to women-at-large.

I owe Carl an apology. I know not to judge a book by its cover, I should know too, not to judge one by its title. “Good Men Do Cheat” is a candid peak inside the sometimes messy male mind and comes with actual advice that doesn’t pretend womankind is mindless.

Demetria L. Lucas the author of A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life. ABIB is available to download and now in paperback. Follow her on Twitter at @abelleinbk

  • Orange Starr Happy Hunting

    “the more you allow [a man] to cheat then allow him to come back, the less attractive you become… you become a victim to your own lack of self-love.”

    Nothing but truth in this statement!

  • Ms. Information

    “Good” people do bad things all of the time…the reasons why vary…is it ok for a man to cheat if his woman has cheated or if she refuses or negotiates sex with her man? I guess each situation is its own situation…If a woman is treating her man well and he still decides to cheat, he doesn’t deserve her but it is up to her to make that decision. I’ve been cheated on and begged for a second chance but I couldn’t do it – there is just something about a man cheating when you have done your best.

  • Lady P

    This is the exact statement that stood out in this article for me. It is so true. I cannot begin to express how much your value goes down when you accept a man’s [disrespectful] behavior..period.

  • paul

    Are they still banging this “good” man drum?

    ok

    I’m guessing that “good” men who cheat do so for the same reason that everyone who is not a “good” man cheats.

    Desire.

    The end.

    I’m more interested in this good man thing.

    In (black) american terms good man is mostly a female-centric label that defines the (materialistic) attributes and behaviours that women say they want in/from a man.

    Well that’s not how I define a good man.

    A good man for me, is a flawed man – both good and bad, but does good and tries to right his wrongs.

    See no hands ma.

  • hmmmmm

    did steve harvey write this? the fears of powerless women will forever be a way for men to make cash. stats show that women and men are near equal in their capacity to cheat and lie. and the reasons are not always different from why men cheat. i know men who will go to their graves clueless about their wives trips to jamaica with the girls. men and women have affairs. period. time to change the narrative.

  • Taiia

    I’m with Paul.

    Good people cheat. Period.

    Sometimes cheating is more than just lust or desire. Sometimes cheating is often a symptom that something is wrong in the relationship and a person goes outside of the relationship to find permanent or a temporary fix.

    I’m not saying that this is a good habit or it should be accepted.

    If you’re dating and there aren’t any kids in the picture, it’s probably easier to break free from a cheating man, or woman.

    If you’re married, or married with children, it’s way more complex.

    Again, this is not to say that cheating is to be accepted, or that someone should stay with a person that is woefully disrespectful of the relationship/and the person, but the discussion is way more nuanced that people want to admit or believe.

    Maybe you can forgive a man (or woman) for cheating once.

    Two times?

    Three times…ten times?

    No, obviously there’s a pattern that someone is refusing to correct.

    Go ask people who have been married for more 10, 20, 30 years.

    They have miles (read: experiences) under their belt that will uncover more than just the challenges of fidelity.

    This book has me interested in the flip side of the equation: Good Women Cheat, Too.

  • ReplyToTroll

    I really am always blown away by how pathetic trolls are and the comments they make. You’ve got too much time on your loser hands to lurk around a black woman’s blog, pretend to be a black woman, and spread your black men vent hatred.

  • http://gravatar.com/rastaman1967 rastaman

    The whole premise of this article is a canard. Attempting to reduce the essence of a so called “good man” to a fidelity test is a dead-end. I understand that there is a constituent of people for whom fidelity is the end all or be all of an intimate relationship but those people are to me like one issue voters. There are so many factors that determine the best qualities of a partner and yet so many people get hamstrung by whether that person was or is faithful.
    I am from the school of thought that the essence of “good” people are those who makes errors, mistakes in judgment or not act judiciously at times but attempt to correct, apologize and commit to not repeating. Where does this end when many like the author now alter the definition of cheating to “a deep emotional connection with someone who isn’t your partner.” Everyone’s relationship is not in a pre-determined box and everyone does not need their partner to be their “all”. Ask people who have had long fruitful relationships and the common denominator is that the terms of their relationships were negotiated between them. You start applying other folk’s relationship rules to your relationship without any thought for both people’s needs and you headed for a big fail.

    Life is messy but if you are laughing and smiling more than you are crying you are moving in the right direction. Don’t let anyone try to put you are your happiness in some box they think defines “good”, focus and creating harmony for you and yours. These sorts of articles fail to understand the complexity of human relationships and do not realize that what is “good” for the goose is not necessarily “good” for the gander.
    I am jussaying Yo!

  • __A

    You mean American black women think a good man should have a decent job and money. I think many American black women don’t think money is what makes a man good. Many women care about these things not just black women. I think many black women know that a rich man is not a good man. We are saying that a man who looks good on paper is good husband material. I’m sure men think that women who are attractive, that can cook, that like kids, that are also educated to some level are wife material more than other women. That does not make these types of women “good.” It makes them more attractive, and having a decent job and money makes men more attractive.

  • __A

    Many women (and men) don’t like cheaters, so I doubt women are just applying other people’s relationship rules. This is a basic thing that most people expect in a relationship. And a cheating partner is a very hard thing to get over just because you laugh a lot. That will forever alter the relationship especially if it’s multiple times. There are many people who get over romantic love and just do the companionship thing, but not everyone. And they don’t have to apply other people’s relationship rules and ignore infidelity either.

  • lol

    your reply made me laugh more than her actual comment!

  • lol

    this was a reply to “Replytotrolls”.

  • http://Broswilson.wordpress.com Rainer Aristotle

    This is a good article, but lacks depth. To label a man good or bad is to assess his entire character. A man who cheats, or has cheated–his actions are more than likely an impulsive, lustful, and irrational battle with himself, 8 times out it 10 has nothing to do with his significant other. A man can do good for himself, his people, and family but have a flaw of lust in his character. This does not make him a bad person, but someone who is flawed. How he deals with this vice is a true testament of character, but labeling him is inaccurate.

  • paul

    . . . and very well said too Sir.

    tips hat

  • http://gravatar.com/rastaman1967 rastaman

    Peoplee say a lot publicly that they seem to have a hard time replicating in their private lives. So many people walk around, pumping their chest talking about what they will never tolerate when the truth is what they swallow would choke most of us to death. I reiterate that human relationships are complex and this one size fit all approach many want to pursue is fruitless.

    I am not about dictating to anyone what they should accept or not accept in their relationships, I am about making them know there are options to the perceived othodoxy.

    You don’t have to believe me just live long enough and you will see. “Piglet asked it’s mother, why her mouth was so long, she said child you are coming, you will see”

  • lol

    i just love this kind of reasoning…let’s substitute man with woman and see what we get, hmm?

    “A woman can do good for herself, her people, and family but have a flaw of lust in her character.This does not make her a bad person, but someone who is flawed. How she deals with this vice is a true testament of character, but labeling her is inaccurate.”

    we both know if anybody were to utter this statement it wouldn’t fly.

    she would be called a wh*re.

    fullstop.

    i’m no feminist but the way (black) men rush to protect,justify and explain away male cheating (and would never do the same when it’s a woman cheating) really gets me.it does.other groups cheat no doubt, but they don’t make excuses for it like this. what happened to seeking honor, integrity?

    (and yes black women have their issues but we’re talking about men right now)

  • hmmmmm

    ” It makes them more attractive, and having a decent job and money makes men more attractive.”

    And….it makes the bullsh!t and cheating more tolerable.

  • http://Broswilson.wordpress.com Rainer Aristotle

    You’ve misunderstood the text. No one is condoning cheating. Cheating is wrong. But so is lying, stealing and a bunch of other things. I am stating that you cannot label a man “bad” or “good” based on acts of infidelity alone. And please spare me the “replacing man with woman” tactic. We both know man and woman are different by nature. In the game of love/lust, man is always the aggressor with the woman always being approached. For man to cheat, he must initiate, while women are sought after, she merely may simply agree.

  • ReplyToDunce

    Does a corny ass moniker like “shawtie the sweetie” sound like something a black person would come up with?

    Use your empty skull for a change and leave Black men out of it.

  • paul

    i know men who will go to their graves clueless about their wives trips to jamaica with the girls. men and women have affairs. period. time to change the narrative.

    Ssshhhh!

    LMAO!

  • paul

    @_A

    A job is a necessity for most people, not really a choice. You get a better idea who people are by what they do or don’t do when they have CHOICE.

    (relevant to the cheating issue too LOL)

    But I guess we evaluate “good” in different ways. I judge good in purely moral terms, when we’re talking about human beings, whereas you judge good from no good in materialistic terms, ie by a man’s utility, how useful a man is to you.

    Well I would caution that you may forfeit some of the protections that judging by character tends to offer more readily than judging by utility.

    (relevant to the cheating issue too LOL)

    Was wondering whose questions this idiotic book was trying to answer, now I know. Go buy it – you need it.

    LOL!

  • __A

    You’re not making any sense. Didn’t I say in my comment that a man having a good job and money doesn’t make him good? Did you not understand that? I said that a man having a good job and money makes him more attractive. I didn’t say that having money makes up for being evil. You can spin my comment however you want.

    I am explaining that when women are talking about a how a man has money and a good job, they are looking to see if he has the potential to be good husband material (Can he provide? Will I be secure?) not if he is a “good” man. A “good” husband has to be a good man morally and husband material. There are women who are attractive and good cooks. They may seem like wife material, but are they nice? Are they crazy? Are they a good person morally?: If not, then that doesn’t make them good wife material does it. But every man will think these types of women are wife material, date them, and then figure out that they’re not and move on. The same for women.

    Women set their sights on a man who is able to provide. When he is a good person, then you keep dating him. This is natural. It is what all groups of people do. It’s funny how women are called materialistic for wanting a man who can provide and be good (all at the same time!), but when men want a woman who is attractive and good and that can cook and clean and raise his kids, it’s no big deal. It’s traditional, and many women in marriages still do the majority of those things in 2012 and work on top of it.

    I find this pressuring women to ignore a man’s finances and professional achievement a lot in African American culture. Other groups of black people and non-black people encourage their daughters to find a financially secure man who is also a good man.These things are not mutually exclusive.

    And yes relationships and marriage involve partners being useful to each other (and good to all at the same time!). That’s how it has worked for a long, long time. A lot of men expect women to cook and clean and stay attractive. Well many women still expect men to provide.

    So in summary, when women say “good,” many of them are actually talking about a man being a “good” husband and the total package. Is he a good man morally, and is he also financially secure?

  • ReplyToAnotherTroll/Idiot/Dunce2

    @ReplyToDunce – Dunce #2, I have seen this person’s comments all over this site. They are usually along the lines of black women suck. Black women are evil. Black women do this. And black women do that too! It is never anything racist towards all black people. It is only about black women which is similar to the types of comments made by these black men vent types of men.

    Now a comment about black women dating white men and saying that white men are better and don’t cheat is more likely to come from a black men vent troll than a racist troll. They are always talking about how BW have these interracial blogs and date outside the race.

    Yours Truly,
    Dunce #1

  • lol

    “And please spare me the “replacing man with woman” tactic. We both know man and woman are different by nature.”

    no i will not spare you because while getting to the point of cheating is/can be different, the results are the same, ie

    a human being who would give in to or seek a relationship on the side nomatter what it did to their loved one,

    a human being who will ultimately put their own needs first above the needs of their SO and the needs of the relationship,

    a human being that lacks discipline and ultimatley

    a human being that cannot be trusted (and woe to them that thinks they can).

    and i think we can both agree that cheating is on a whole ‘nother level than just simply “lying or stealing”.

    “I am stating that you cannot label a man “bad” or “good” based on acts of infidelity alone”

    you may be right but i think in real life when choosing a partner that little tidbit alone is enough to make most people dismiss a person nomatter how good everything else looks on paper. and i’m talking normal folks, not the “i’m-marrying-you-for-your-money-so-cheat-but-be-discreet-folks”.

    let’s not play word games.you know exactly what i’m talking about.

  • Perspective

    As a man – I’m not going to fake like Good men don’t cheat, and I’m not going to act like I would want a man cheating on my daughter, if I had one.

    If I can be frank, I do think it’s quite different when men cheat verses women cheating, and that’s not to advocate some sort of sexist double standard – but the reality is men will damn near smash anything – for the sake of smashing. I’m not talking about reckless unprotected sex that has a lot of these KOW children running around I’m just saying that sex is like eating and breathing for a lot of men.

    When a man cheats – I know this is hard to grasp for women, but women shouldn’t take it AS personal all the time.

    As a man it’s EASY to give your “?” to a woman. It is easier to GIVE than receive in this case.

    With women sex is ALWAYS more intimate because a man is UP IN YOUR PERSONAL SPACE – I don’t care what a woman says. “Oh I’m like a man!” No you are not – and the record shows that.

    With men since sex is like breathing – sex can be had WITHOUT THERE BEING A DEEP CONNECTION – even if the man is in love with another woman. Its the EXPERIENCE he wants to have.

    Women on the other hand, when they cheat, its SO MUCH MORE DEVASTATING TO A MAN – which women rarely consider – because WE KNOW AS MEN, most women don’t just put themselves out there like that if they are in a relationship with a guy.

    I’ll say MOST!

    When a woman cheats – she’s giving that other man her HEART, MIND, AND SOUL.

    When a man cheats – he’s just giving her his GENITALIA which he is talking with him as he walks out the door (hopefully he won’t bring any STDs with him)

    It can be a cold transaction with men like, “Ahhh that was a great meal,” and then he leaves the restaurant.

    Women – it’s like they want to live in the restaurant and eat there everyday. Women make more of a connection with any man that they sleep with. Men, not so much.

    So as I was saying – I’m not justifying it – but women REALLY shouldn’t take it as personal as they do. It really has nothing to do with you, what you’re not doing, or the idea that you are somehow inadequate. A lot of men literally just constantly need to EXPERIENCE new women all the time.

    Some women are like that as well – but we ain’t talking about women right now, nor do I think they are as bad as men when it comes to this. Women’s wrong doing is when “YOU ARE, NOT!!! THE FATHER”

    Who different topic.

  • lol

    ok , i think i understand where you might be coming from but how about men consider being faithful (even though they want other women) as a sacrifice for the woman they love. how about that? remember a sacrifice hurts but it is done for a reason, to show your love and dedication to something , even though you may not understand why it is important to that particular somebody but you do it to show commitment, in a way that the individual (woman) understands and respects. your cheating might not have anything to do with her, but it still hurts, there is no doubt about that and there is no running away from that.

  • Ravi

    I suppose it depends on how you define “good.” I personally don’t believe there are “good people”; it’s all about the things they do. “Good” suggests that this is something that characterizes the general behavior of such a person. I believe all people engage in enough misdeeds to never be characterized as such. All people do bad things and I don’t see cheating being too different than most other bad things. Thus, according to my conception of “good” people, good people do not cheat.

  • Kay

    Oh please. Some men AND women cheat. It’s not regulated by color, but rather by the sheer human need to have some cake and eat it too, or in some cases, the fear of having the responsibility of cutting of one relationship before dipping into another. Human beings are just petty at times. ALL of us.

  • Do better

    “Also, women do not mind sharing men. If they can have him all to self, bonus, but not a priority.”

    Who the HELL told u that??? You better hope to GOD you don’t EVER meet a woman like me!! Because it will be the end of you. Take that how you want.

  • Do better

    “A lot of men literally just constantly need to EXPERIENCE new women all the time. ”

    This statement is ridiculous. Men don’t NEED to f**k everything with a vagina in order to survive, this is bs. If they WANT to do these things, they are clearly monkeys passing as human, just squeaking by in society without being caged.

    There is nothing to experience. For men to have this interest and intrigue about unfamiliar women’s bodies is juvenile and extremely unevolved. I wish these types of men had a marking on them so women would know to stay as far away from these creeps as humanly possible. I don’t see how any woman with a shred of self esteem or sense of self could knowingly lay down with one of these dogs. I refuse to acknowledge men that do this as human.

  • Orange Starr Happy Hunting

    @Do better, you betta PREACH on both points, to Eric and Perspective. I wholeheartedly agree on both counts.

    “Like a city whose walls are broken down is a man who lacks self-control.” Proverbs 25:28 i.e. a man whose flesh rules him, instead of him ruling the flesh. I’d probably question the sexual orientation of one “without walls” as well because if you that wide open, there’s a strong probability of that individual sexing anything. Extreme promiscuity in men is a red flag for these very reasons.

  • http://gravatar.com/nolakiss16 binks

    Yes, I don’t like to box people as good and bad because everybody falls short and imperfect. Besides I wouldn’t want to place anybody on a pedestal because I wouldn’t want to be there because the fall is a mighty long drop. To me, cheating is a character flaw/ speaks of self control issues it tells a lot about a dimension of their personality but not the whole story. Because you can be flaw in one aspect but great /n many others. Besides people cheat for a whole gang of reasons whether they are “good/bad”, rich, poor, men/women,etc. But the question for me would be can I forgive a cheater and would his good qualities outweigh the flaw of cheating and honestly at this time no I wouldn’t forgive a cheater whether he was a good guy or bad.

  • __A

    Thank you. It is a lack of self-discipline and self-control to say that you can’t pass on experiencing a new woman. We all have wants. We pass on many of them because they are illegal lol, considered socially unacceptable, or hurtful to other people. He’s saying women shouldn’t take it personally because men just can’t help themselves. You have a partner and maybe even a family but you can’t help yourself.

    When a man cheats, yada yada, but when a woman cheats blah, blah.

    I’ve heard this before, and I understand what you’re saying, but that actually that makes it worse in my opinion. You are throwing away your future with your wife and children or girlfriend all for a couple of minutes of pleasure with a woman that you don’t even care about and when it’s done, it’s done. Then, you will have to live with the consequences of being controlled by your sex drive. And women are supposed to say okay! And with the STD rates in the BC, I find this attitude towards cheating to be disgusting. Many people get STDs from a partner that they’re in a monogamous relationship with who just had to experience a new person.

  • camille

    Different people have different ideas about cheating. Some people couldn’t care less about their significant others being physically involved with someone else in a wide variety of circumstances.
    I just take issue with these orchestrated attempts to encourage Black women to lower their expectations. Never let someone else set your standards

  • ReplyToDunce

    Sandly, your anger is the least of your problems.

    You’re really, really slow..

  • Perspective

    Ok ladies we get all that. You are not saying anything new. It is not secret how women feel on this issue.

    I personally think that cheating is just simply something that men are going to have to fight – and I DON’T think it’s as emotional, spiritual, and love based as women would like to think.

    I do indeed believe that men are naturally promiscuous.

    OMG!!! OH GIRL NO HE DIDN’T! YOU ARE JUST TRYING TO JUSTIFY MEN CHEATING.

    No actually I’m not – I look at it from a biological standpoint.

    Ok lets look at a few things

    1) There are more women on this planet than men. If you paired every single man with every single woman and said they could only be in monogamous relationship and marriage – then that leaves about a billion women destined to die single and childless.

    2) If there was some cataclysm and the world feel apart and the population was decimated – 1 man could procreate the whole human race with many different women.

    Flip it the other way around 1 woman and a world full of men she could only have about 20 children by different men before she died.

    3) Men can reproduce throughout their lifetime – women cannot.

    4) Men tend to be attracted to younger women (FERTILE AND IN THEIR REPRODUCTIVE YEARS) where women can be more openly attracted to older men (older men tend to be more established and have the resources to take care of the woman and the children) Yes I know all of you are all strong and independent now – but up until about 40 years ago – THIS IS HOW THE WORLD WAS FOR HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF YEARS.

    If you want to be mad at anyone be mad at GOD – for his IMBALANCE IN CREATION.

    To cope with the male female imbalance some religions and societies have encourage men who were in the position to take on more wife to do so. This way women could have the children and not just “go to waste”

    Factor in male infant mortality, war, and male exhibiting dangerous behavior to attract females that could cause DEATH – and monogamy would leave many women SINGLE.

    Now all this is real philosophical and beyond the scope of damn near all relationships – I’m just saying this is why things have played out like they have.

    Society supports the idea of monogamy because as seen in the black community you can see what happens when that structure doesn’t exist.

    Absolute anarchy and men wouldn’t even know whose kids are who’s. This is something that MEN did not want. Just like laws and punishment against rape – even if men wanted to rape women – MEN made laws against it because they didn’t want their wives, daughters, and mothers to be able to be raped by some other man without recourse.

    Human nature is really easy to understand – it all comes down to self interest. People are not as benevolent and altruistic as SOCIETY has tried to condition people to be.

  • Ebony

    What would make them different?

  • __A

    But we are human beings. We are supposed to be able to do better. While a male dog might just hop on any female dog he can find, we’re supposed to use our will power and self-control to get over these things. What kind of civilization can you have if you give into your base desires all the time?

    You’re saying the world is this way, and men can’t help cheating because they’re attracted to multiple women. I think everyone knows that men are attracted to many women. Many women are attracted to more than one man as well, but you’re not just any animal in heat that can’t help yourself. You’re a human being.

    I like cheesecake, but I’m not going to eat a whole cheesecake because I have a sweet tooth. I know there are consequences for eating a whole cheesecake such as gaining weight, so I use my self-control to stop myself.

  • http://saidahali.tumblr.com Saidah Ali

    Thank you. I read once that 60 percent of men and 40 percent of women have cheated and out of ALL of those who said they hadn’t, 70% said the reason was “a lack of opportunity.” Get over it. Monogamy isn’t for everyone.

  • http://saidahali.tumblr.com Saidah Ali

    OMG. PEOPLE..Biologically speaking, monogamy is ridiculous. Monogamy is a matter of evolution; as a way of getting around alpha-male dominance, less dominant males traded protection and providence for sex and the ability to procreate. The end. The rest of this is all a matter of social constructs. Monogamy is a MYTH. Most people are NOT monogamous. MOST people “cheat” and MOST people who haven’t say they simply haven’t had the opportunity. This is like the gay thing; people have always been gay, we’re just TALKING about it now. People have always polyamorous; we just talk about it now.

    Women do not “need” men. Women do not “need” monogamy.Men who happen to be attracted to other women, would like to have sex with other women and DO have sex with other women are not “bad” people. They’re people who got bored having sex with one person. Their major flaw is that they really should have told you and given you the opportunity to throw a fit and leave first. Oh well. Get over it.

    He came home to YOU, right? He must like you. If he didn’t love you, why wouldn’t he just break up with you? How insecure do you have to be to require his every waking thought to be about you? Good grief. And if he doesn’t love you any more, why is this a big deal? Tell him,”Hey, you know, I think you really need to focus on Kelly, because you seem to be much more interested in her than me. I’m moving on. Please move out by Friday.” The end. This is the 21st century. We have birth control, condoms, abortion and divorce. Apply as needed.

    And “children without fathers” and “STD’s” are NOT good excuses for spreading the monogamy myth. Children do not need fathers any more than they need mothers or puppies; children need loving, responsible adults who they can count on for the long-term. And really, you’re as likely to have gotten an STD from your faithful husband who got it from his (previous) faithful girlfriend as you are to have gotten it from your cheating boyfriend. Sex is not a risky activity. Spreading misinformation is.

    End rant.

  • http://saidahali.tumblr.com Saidah Ali

    OMG. PEOPLE..Biologically speaking, monogamy is ridiculous. Monogamy is a matter of evolution; as a way of getting around alpha-male dominance, less dominant males traded protection and providence for sex and the ability to procreate. The end. The rest of this is all a matter of social constructs. Monogamy is a MYTH. Most people are NOT monogamous. MOST people “cheat” and MOST people who haven’t say they simply haven’t had the opportunity. This is like the gay thing; people have always been gay, we’re just TALKING about it now. People have always polyamorous; we just talk about it now.

    Women do not “need” men. Women do not “need” monogamy. Men who happen to be attracted to other women, would like to have sex with other women and DO have sex with other women are not “bad” people. They’re people who got bored having sex with one person. Their major flaw is that they really should have told you and given you the opportunity to throw a fit and leave first. Oh well. Get over it.

    He came home to YOU, right? He must like you. If he didn’t love you, why wouldn’t he just break up with you? How insecure do you have to be to require his every waking thought to be about you? Good grief. And if he doesn’t love you any more, why is this a big deal? Tell him,”Hey, you know, I think you really need to focus on Kelly, because you seem to be much more interested in her than me. I’m moving on. Please move out by Friday.” The end. This is the 21st century. We have birth control, condoms, abortion and divorce. Apply as needed.

    And “children without fathers” and “STD’s” are NOT good excuses for spreading the monogamy myth. Children do not need fathers any more than they need mothers or puppies; children need loving, responsible adults who they can count on for the long-term. And really, you’re as likely to have gotten an STD from your faithful husband who got it from his (previous) faithful girlfriend as you are to have gotten it from your cheating boyfriend. Sex is not a risky activity. Spreading misinformation is.

    End rant.

  • Jen

    And it’s usually a gradual depreciation.

  • camille

    Cheating goes way beyond desire. We all desire different people all of the time. Being in a committed relationship doesn’t change that. If it were a purely sexual issue, most men would just attempt to build a relationship with their most skilled sexual partner.
    Cheating is usually just an affirmation of individuality. People feel like they are being constrained by their partner and decide to act on their desire

  • paul

    @_A

    Associating a man’s moral character with his employment status is the very corruption of the term good man that I was challenging.

    You agree that you can be a good man who has a job

    and you agree that you can be good man who doesn’t have a job

    but the good man with the job is more attractive to women.

    LOL!

    So having a job or not having one is not the determining factor of a man’s goodness.

    It’s just a female centric projection onto the notion of what a good man is.

    Which is pretty much where I started.

    We’re going round in circles

    I’ll leave you with this . . .

    I hope black america’s corruption of the term “good man” doesn’t travel and settle in the black community here in London. If it does I fear our relationship landscape will become a war zone, as has happened in black america, where it seems that

    no black man is able to find anything good in black women and

    no black woman is able to find anything good in black men

    as is demonstrated daily in the comments sections on this site (for example).

    The clue to solving some of that might reside in re-thinking the values you prioritize. Do you want good people or do you want people who merely tick boxes on materialistic checklists?

  • Perspective

    @_A

    I think you given into the Bible too much. Look I’m not saying that I disagree with you, what I’m pointing out is the REALITY

    That if you pair every single man on the planet with every single woman YOU WILL HAVE AT LEAST A BILLION WOMEN DESTINED TO BE SINGLE!

    Not because men are cheating but because they are being faithful and monogamous – hence the idea of men taking on more than one wife – NOT out of lust – but out of necessity for both financial and reproductive reasons – but the financial reasons were more so in the past, although they still exist today.

    You can talk about will power all you want – What if you were NOT selected in this SUPER FAITHFUL world where everyone was monogamous would you accept being the women who dies alone, single, and childless.

    Like I said – I’m not saying I disagree with you – like all things women tend to support – IT IS A NICE IDEAL – but in it’s absolute – you just ignore the fact that there are more women than there are than men.

    Even Swans who were previously thought to be life partners were found that not all the chicks were DADDIES.

    When it comes to self control – I don’t think women should ever be the final say on that. Judging by what I see when it comes to the number of black children born into an environment with no resources or the men who I see fathering these children who are truly unfit to be fathers, I think women are the LAST authority on SELF-CONTROL, but I get your point, and it does take 2 to make a baby.

    I’m just explaining why this happens, especially in the younger years where men have more options, and think the grass is greener on the other side, which I can attest to – the older you get the browner that grass gets.

    Most men have cheated at some point in their life as have women. Men don’t cheat on every woman. You may have just been that woman that go cheated on.

    If people are going to follow the “Bible” people shouldn’t be having sex before marriage anyway. If you are cheating during marriage that’s a whole different ball game because I do think there is something HIGHER there – but in these weak bonds between people that I see out here that we call RELATIONSHIPS – I think the reality is that the odds are staked against women.

    But I don’t see ALL women going on “meow” strike.

    Half the times these OTHER females know who the main chick is.

  • Orange Starr Happy Hunting

    @ Saidah, take a good long look around you at this world, and specifically the black community and tell me if one really needs to make the argument for not being monogamous. I can’t even get into the spirit aspects of it, with one who can’t even appreciate the natural ramifications of not being such.

  • __A

    @Paul

    You’re still not making any sense, and you know exactly what I’m saying in my comments. I’m pretty sure if you had the choice between two good women one that looked like a supermodel and one that was ugly, you would prefer the one that looked like a supermodel. The supermodel is not morally better is she? But many men would prefer her, and it is the same for women.

    There are lots of American black women dating men who are not financially secure, so no American black women aren’t having trouble in their relationships because they’re gold diggers.

    Yes. We’re going in circles. You’re twisting my comments to say that American black women are materialistic gold diggers. And yes a good man with a job is more attractive than a good man without one. I guess you live in fairy tale land where people don’t care about looks or financial security, but I doubt it. I’m done.

  • hmmmmm

    ” Women need men like a fish needs a bicycle”
    Gloria Steinem

    “The nuclear family must be destroyed… Whatever its ultimate meaning, the break-up of families now is an objectively revolutionary process.” — Linda Gordon

    “I feel that ‘man-hating’ is an honorable and viable political act, that the oppressed have a right to class-hatred against the class that is oppressing them.” — Robin Morgan, Ms. Magazine Editor.

    Where would Saidah or any woman for that matter get the ideas she expressed?

  • Lanee

    I was going to ask why you feel monogamy is a myth but then I realized you’d probably respond with the whole “most mammals aren’t monogamous thing” and that’s really beside the point. The real issue is people who make the decision to be in monogamous relationships knowing they are unable or unwilling to be monogamous. If you can’t keep your legs closed or your pants on, don’t get in a committed relationship period. I’m not mad at you. But know yourself well enough to know that you’re an unfaithful person.

  • http://saidahali.tumblr.com Saidah Ali

    Omg. Really? I don’t hate men. I like them very much. I’m simply saying that monogamy isn’t for everyone. And women DON’T need men. I’m sorry if you desperately do, but women as a group do NOT.

    And the black community does not need monogamy. The black community needs money, education, protection, and representation. The black community needs access to power.

  • Z

    From what I’ve read about the men interviewed for this book, many of them didn’t want to get married to their wives in the first place. They got married because either: a.) she was pregnant; b.) they had been together for YEARS and it was expected; c.) family pressure; d.) she nagged him about it; some combination of the above, or no real reason why at all. Ask a man who doesn’t fall into one of the above categories and see what he says.

    P.S.
    No one wants to see themselves as being “bad.”

  • __A

    This is when I have to leave the super liberals to do their own thing.

    So what are we supposed to have a world where women get pregnant by the minority of alpha men while all the other men sit around and get no woman or have no sex? That would probably create a very large group of angry sexless men who do something crazy. Or is it that alpha males create the children and beta males raise them with the alpha males’ baby mommas where they can finally get sex?

    Super liberals live in a fantasy world where everyone does the right thing and children aren’t negatively affected by the absence of fathers and women don’t need help around the house and STDs don’t happen and all women just desire to be with multiple men and don’t believe in love and abortions are no big deal and divorces hurt no one.

    Is this what they teach in women’s studies classes? The BC already has problems caused by not having caring adults raising kids. Caring adults to raise kids are usually the parents. Parents who are married usually care about kids more. The BC is in a mess right now, but your fantasy land where everyone just does what they want to do would probably be a hell hole.

    Super liberals always think traditional institutions are bad and that we should do something like this, but I’m pretty sure after all these years people just decided to do what works best. I can look at the BC and kind of predict what your community would look like.

  • Fantastico

    The hell?!? Thank you for ending your rant.

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  • Do better

    @ PERSPECTIVE

    NOT sure where you got your stats. You may want to check your facts bruh…as of 2011 the world sex ratio was 101 men to 100 women. GOT YA! Try to justify your monkey promiscuity some other way.

  • Do better

    I need to break this post all the way down.

    1. In case you can’t find it, my source http://chartsbin.com/view/2338

    2. This is only feasible from a purely theoretical standpoint. If human beings were like protozoa (single-celled organisms) or fungi this may fly; however, even if there was a catastrophe there is very little evidence to suggest that the 100 surviving women would F**K some random male for the sake of mankind. I personally would NOT! This is an unfounded assumption. Try again.

    3. This is a myth propagated by a misogynist and male biased society seeking to promote its own sick agenda. Older males produce genetically inferior offspring with a host of medical issues. They are NOT reproductively viable well into their older age, and it is very irresponsible for older men to even attempt to fertilize a woman. Good luck trying to have children at 55, I hope you’ve done research on children with Autism and Schizophrenia because that’s what you’re likely to have. The older the father the more mutated his old sperm becomes. Gross.

    Source: http://articles.latimes.com/2012/aug/23/science/la-sci-older-fathers-genetic-mutations-20120823

    4. Yeah, young hot babes WITHOUT daddy issues with intact self-esteem who are not from extremely economically deprived backgrounds are just DYING to F**K old dinosaurs! HAHAHAHA This may be your most ridiculous point yet. If you only knew how young women think/talk about old creeps that hit on them. There’s nothing more unattractive, creepy and annoying. Even if they are gold digging young women and using a guy for money, they are gritting their teeth and frowning their face secretly every time he touches them. Old men are NOT found physically attractive by most young women. Maybe a tiny fraction has an old fetish, most vehemently do NOT. Again, sexist propaganda with no scientific evidence. You’re mistaking attraction for these older men, with the perceived lack of options and economic disenfranchisement that motivates some young women to date old.

    The bottom line is, horny men with little cognitive functioning and high testosterone are going to try to defend their promiscuous and deplorable ways. Women with intelligence and self esteem are going to call BS. We would MUCH rather live a beautiful life on our own terms than suffer a cheating fool who thinks because he has a Y chromosome he’s exempt from standards of loyalty and basic human decency.

  • Do better

    Seriously! I can totally see these uber promiscuous men having sex with a another man. If sexual release is all you’re after, and an available hole is waiting, what’s to stop you? Clearly not any personal moral code or value system.

  • Do better

    Seriously! I can totally see one of these uber promiscuous men going there with another man. If sexual release is all you’re after and someone offers you an available hole, what’s to stop you? Certainly not a personal moral code or set of values!

  • J

    Best Rant Ever, S.A. Sadly, facts and plain truth are a poor answer to “social constructs.

  • __A

    @Perspective – I never mentioned religion or the bible. This is not about about the bible. I mean the whole idea is that if you’re going to ditch the rules of the bible or other religions, you have to have enough discipline and self-control to do the right thing.

    Women are the last authority on self control because oow children exist? I don’t even know what you mean by this comment. Just because women have oow children that doesn’t mean that other women don’t know about self control. I’m sure women with oow children know they should have exercised better self-control. It is men like you who think that your lack of self-control and discipline should be excused because of all these examples of other dumb animals that can’t be monogamous.

    Human beings are smarter than other animals. That is why people talk about people who are animalistic. It is because human beings hold themselves to a higher standard.

    There are more women than there are men. This and your only man in the world situations are silly arguments. If every man were paired up with a woman and a few men were with the extra ones in a polygamous relationship, maybe I could understand what you are saying, but you are not talking about polygamous relationships where women benefit financially from sharing a man. You are talking about cheating. Every woman is not paired up with a few women having to share because of less men. That is not the situation in the BC and you know it. Men don’t cheat because there are so many poor lonely women (because there is such a shortage of men) that need a man to impregnate them and take care of them. It is men lying to women who are trying to win them over because they have to “experience a new woman.”

    If you can’t control yourself, that’s you. There are many, many men that can’t control themselves. I simply think that just because you and other men can’t control yourselves that doesn’t mean it’s normal or should be forgiven. It means that you lack self control.

    As do better mentioned and I have come to understand, many men come up with these rules of life that you think every woman should just agree wih because they benefit you. You say men cheat get over it because it benefits you. You say young, pretty women like older men (rich or broke) because it benefits you. You say men can cheat but women can’t because it benefits you. You say men are husband material even if they don’t have many of the things on my list just because they are moral but if a woman is unnattractive or fat, she’s not good enough because it benefits you. Men going on dates with multiple women is okay but not women because it benefits you. This whole women should excuse cheating stuff doesn’t work for me because men don’t excuse women that cheat. Why? Because it benefits men! I just wonder why you think women should be okay with something like that?

  • Joe Anderson

    Of fucking course good men cheat. Cheating may be wrong but monogamy isn’t natural.

  • Courtney**

    I’m going to officially introduce myself to your fan club lol. I have a very similar outlook on the “goodness” of people as well, except I do believe that there are good people and I do believe there are bad people. I think people who make an active effort to do good things most of the time are good. I think people whose actions, words, and choices more often than not hurt people are bad. I think most people are neither good nor bad because they don’t actively try to do good nor bad things.. they just are. They live their lives, donate here and there, gossip and lie here and there, but they don’t do these things the majority of the time. It’s a spectrum, of course. But I certainly do not call someone good just because they’re not bad.

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  • Yolanda

    Thank you for saying this Saidah! Couldn’t agree more!

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