I often wonder if Facebook was built so that women could spy on their man’s ex, or stalk his baby’s mama without being easily detected. Although it can’t be proven, I’m pretty sure that a sizeable amount of Facebook’s current stockholders are also female “stalk-holders” in their man’s current or former affairs. Aside from keeping a comfortable tab on his daily routine, these ladies also love to nose around in his past and do a little “routine check” on what life was like before them. Unfortunately, the prying game and the spying game comes from a hidden issue of women constantly sizing up or comparing themselves to their man’s exes.

Whether it’s an urge that sparks from a simple thought like: “Why does it seem like all of his other girlfriends had bigger breasts then I do?” or “What did he see in her in the first place?” or “She’s really pretty, I wonder if they’re still friends?” or the standard curiosity, “I really want to know what this chick looks like.” These actions are damaging, a sign of insecurity, and chip away at a woman’s ability to be what her boyfriend needs now, versus a potential blue print of what he left behind.

If we’ve learned anything from our late teens and early twenties, when it comes to relationship espionage, it should be that; back then, when we were young, it wasn’t entirely a ratchet affair, rather it was us doing our due diligence to see what woman this amazing man could have left behind, so that we could understand how we fit into his future. Not. Keep telling yourself that.

The only thing to gain from opening up the closed doors in your “boo’s” former life is allowing in a slew of problems that were never there before. Whether you know it or not, now you have a dozen unanswered questions. Essentially you want to know why they broke up, what was she like, what kind of things did she do in the bedroom; you even want to know all her mistakes so that you can do what you need to do so that you can keep from becoming his newest ex-girlfriend.

No matter your motivation, here are a few reasons why it’s never a good idea to compare yourself to his ex.

Where do I rank when it comes to his ex?

You already know the answer to this question. You rank at the top. If you didn’t, she’d be in your place, and you wouldn’t have ever been a thought in the equation. Just looking at his ex, or having one conversation with her isn’t going to give you an idea of where you stand compared to her. Why does it matter? He’s with you. She could have been the most beautiful girl in the world, and maybe you are just a Plain Jane; if a man stayed attached to a woman because of looks alone, Kim Kardashian wouldn’t have such a long track list, and half the single women in the world would be attached and would never have an argument about the lack of dating options.

Maybe I can figure out why their relationship ended.

Trying to decipher why your mates last relationship ended isn’t going to help your current situation, or prevent a conclusion that is supposed to happen. You can’t stop the inevitable. You have to trust that the two of you are meant for one another, and only concern yourself with how to be a complimentary partner, versus how to circumvent a problem that hasn’t even showed its face yet. I get that it’s good to plan for a fire before you’re in a fire, but there’s no need to start it. Put down the matches.

I wonder if she was better in bed than me.

Ever since Ciara sang that song … “He love the way I ride it …” too many women that I know have been practicing bedroom Olympics in the hopes that they can keep their men satisfied and prevent him from leaving home. Whether the last girl could do the splits, while you just like it missionary style, sex is an individual experience. Sometimes emotional attachment and being in love take precedence over how well the last girl performed between the sheets. If he marries you, it’s not because the sex is good, it’s because he can’t breathe without you.

Why was she so special to him?

The heart wants what the heart wants. Sure, his ex at some point and time was special to him, that’s natural and to be expected when you love someone. But at the same time, when you consider the bigger picture, she was only a season. Now he’s spending his current one with you. Don’t ruin your relationship by trying to find out how his ex got him to take her ring shopping, or bake brownies on a Sunday, or take a weekend trip to Martha’s Vineyard. Focus on your gifts, your capabilities and why you’re special inside and out. Focus on the fact that you’re the one he is with and who he apparently wants to be with right now. Everything you’re hoping for, and that feeling of being special will come in due time. Patience.

Always remember Clutchettes and Gents, if your mate closes a door on their past, there should never be a reason for you to open it.

  • Orange Starr Happy Hunting

    :-? Are people really worried about an ex that’s actually an ex? What a waste of time and energy!

  • Teresa

    I’m guilty. Mostly because of the last point, I wanted to know why she was special to him. The ex and I are completely opposite. I think I was trying to satisfy a curiosity of why he had chosen her at the time. The heart does want what the heart wants so in the end, you have to respect their decisions. In the past, I could see why an ex had chosen his former gf or next gf. Men tend to stick to the same type of woman.

  • lela

    yikes! I do the same thing! it really is a bad habit, but I can’t help but wanting to know the ex GF hype!

  • Downsouth Transplant

    Not all “Stalk holding” end up so bad, I once had an ex current GF reach out to me on FB & other than the first WTF minute, I responded to her & what do ya know we grew to be social friends and we have so much in common & are good friends enough that even after her r/ship ended, we are still in each others lives through marriages, children graduation & the bonus to me she is my personal Attorney for FREE!! can’t beat that.

  • http://gravatar.com/krjones01 jrenee

    guilty, too! the funny thing is, I asked him all the questions and know why they broke up and what he liked about them and what they looked like… (would never ask if they were better in bed than me, the wrong answer would certainly end the relationship) but even after all the questions get answered… more questions always arise. if you give into your insecurity, it will just grow. So just let it go and focus about what’s great about you and your relationship with him. It takes some work but it gets easier the more you do it.

  • Amanda

    LMAO!!! I was just on google mode to see who my man’s ex was, cause i just didn’t like the way he looked when he talked about her. Like there was a twinkle in his eye from him reminiscing. Had me thinking he was still into her. Unfortunately, she didn’t have a Facebook, but I quickly became a Linked In stalker. LOL! Yeah, it was petty, but I just hate how men almost (well the wrong men) will us to want to take a peak. I swear some of them do it on purpose, so we chicks can’t help but want to be nosy. It’s a total set up. It’s cool though. I didn’t get threatened by her, just wanted to know, you know?

  • C

    Why do it to yourself? You’re not her, and she’ll never be you, which is why he isn’t with her anymore but instead he is in a relationship with you. I do understand a person getting this way if the boyfriend acts like he still has feelings for the ex-girlfriend.

    I had a partner who was obsessed with my ex-boyfriend. He would ask all these questions about him, wanted to know his first and last name (I didn’t reveal his last name because I knew he wanted to Facebook stalk him), kept asking about our first time (he was my first), was he better in bed, what type of gifts did he buy me, etc. I had it break it down and tell him I didn’t care about the ex anymore (it had been 7 years since we last spoke), didn’t even think about him unless his name was mentioned, he wasn’t that great and if he was, I’d still be in a relationship with him. It was too much, so I told him to never speak his name to me again.

  • http://incometherapy.com Jeremy Norton

    There’s a reason it’s called “EX”

  • mEE

    I’m telling you Facebook does it on purpose. it’s evil! lol
    my boyfriend is divorced and every single day for about 3 weeks Facebook kept suggesting his ex-wife to me in that “people you may know” section. I ignored it. I showed him. We laughed about it. but eventually my “curiosity” got the best of me and I scoured every inch of her profile. I must have spent hours looking at her pictures and reading her notes. I wasn’t looking for anything in particular but I just couldn’t resist. smh

  • https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HDMuy-0ZFDs Lyn

    I found EXaholics.com to be a great resource. Very supportive community filled with lots of tools and experts targeted for people recovering from breakups. Was great for me.

  • Rosa

    This advice has been the best I’ve heard. Really Spoke to my heart.

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