Is Dating Different for Black Women?
The microscope is still on the landscape of black women’s romantic relationships, but at least the zoom function isn’t on. Since national media broke the false news that we’re desperate, unwanted, and destined to be eternally single a few years ago, we’ve taken matters into our own hands, broadening our horizons when it comes to men and even giving in to our own outlandish standards we’ve set for them.
In all the talk about securing a commitment from a man, marrying him and birthing his babies, we have yet to begin at the starting point: dating. A friend initiated a fiery debate about dating recently, insisting that black women shouldn’t date more than one man at one time. She lessens her chances of commitment because no man is going to deal with a woman who’s spending time with other men, especially if she’s sleeping with him. When I gave my rebuttal that dating doesn’t equate to sex, he shot back that “perception is reality.” Oh.
Before you reach through your computer screen to strangle the messenger, let’s address the most important issue first. What is dating exactly?
It seems that everyone acts (and feels) according to their own contrived definition. Some believe that dating involves outings together specifically for the purpose of getting to know each other. To others, it means two people have sex on a consistent basis. When a person says they used to “date” someone, what do they really mean? The old faithful, Merriam-Webster’s Dictionary, defines dating as going out with someone in whom one is romantically or sexually interested.” Wikipedia calls it a “form of courtship, and may include any social activity undertaken by, typically, two persons with the aim of each assessing the other’s suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse. …”
Aha! The latter definition implies that you assess suitability before you engage in an intimate relationship. Apparently, some of us have had the game all wrong.
Assuming we all do actually date according to that definition, why can’t black women go out with a number of guys at one time without judgment? It’s perfectly normal for our white counterparts to go out with a different guy daily until they find the one they like the most, and they aren’t shunned. In fact, they’re encouraged to do so.
Jessica Massa, author of The Gaggle, says women should get a “gaggle of men” to figure out what and who we want. Her website, which is being praised by mainstream media and critics, defines a gaggle as “the select group of guys in your life – many of whom you are not explicitly romantically involved with – who play different roles, fulfill different needs, and help you to figure out who you are, what you want, and what kind of relationship you ultimately desire.” There’s the Ex-Boyfriend Who Is Still Around (we all have one, right?), the Boyfriend Prospect, the Accessory and so on.
Whether you agree with the “gaggle” idea or not, the fact that it’s now a mainstream school of thought suggests that dating several men is acceptable, especially for white women.
Thinking about my friend’s views on women dating multiple men, I wonder a few things. Would we be seen as whores if we were to date even a 1/3 of the “gaggle”? Are we black women expected to limit ourselves in dating for fear that we won’t be accepted by a prospective suitor, forced to “put all of our eggs in one basket”? That’s absurd and unfair, and yes, I’m well aware of the infamous double standard between men and women. To add insult to injury though, there seems to be an unspoken double standard between black women and white women imposed by black men. I think Jay summed it up best when he asked, “Can I live?”
Regardless of perception or judgment, many of us are doing it already. For those who prefer to date a gaggle of men, it’s probably good advice to be up front with your dates and even discuss what each of you define as dating to save hurt feelings and egos. Dating should be fun (so they say). And if he doesn’t like your approach, you could simply not give a damn and keep it moving. Life is about choices, right?
Do you think there’s a double standard between black and white women in dating?
Ridiculous. Women of all races should date as many men as they want.
And when asked be honest about it. If there is nothing inherently wrong with the idea don’t front like the Virgin Mary when the subject comes up.
@Chillyroad – There’s a difference between dating several men and having sex with all of them. But yes, I agree that one should be honest if they’re dating multiple people.
NO dating is not different for black women. People with their own agenda (i.e., faux black relationship experts) would like to make it different, but the truth is it’s not different.
Black women should date as many men as they want. I personally would suggest tasting different races of men while you’re playing the field. Unless you’ve agreed to exclusively date someone you don’t owe anyone, or any group, exclusive access to you.
I totally and completely agree with this. At the end of the day, I want options. It helps me to weigh out the differences between all the men I date (not have sex with; literally court). If one gives me a icky feeling that the others aren’t giving then I politely excuse myself from seeing him again. Dating plurally also helps me keep my own headspace and consider how I am behaving in relation to others i.e. am I consistently attracting the kind of man I don’t want, etc.
Men date only give their exclusivity when they are ready. Please don’t be foolish enough to believe that a man is only seeing you ESPECIALLY when there are no labels in place and/or he and you have not EXPLICITLY stated that you are in an exclusive dating relationship.
Quoted for Truth: “Unless you’ve agreed to exclusively date someone you don’t owe anyone, or any group, exclusive access to you.”
Yes, dating IS different………a great number of black men are incarcerated, unemployed, underemployed so a “gaggle” of men may be difficult to come by…and there are not millions of other races of men lined up to date black women mostly because the bull that the media has put out about us…dating will always be different for us…I wouldn’t give up though, I still believe that despite all of the negativity, there are still men who love and want black women.
And the myth that a host of black men are incarcerated underemployed or unemployed isn’t a media creation either? So the media (white and male) is only lying about black women?
Queen of Newcastle, SHUT UP!
Hidden due to low rating. Click here to see.
Go to a jail, see for yourself.
@mrs disinformation
Instead of going to the jails perhaps I should go to the CDC website. There I can read about black women with HIV, Herpes and who are obese. If we take those black women out of the dating pool, do the numbers even out?
Seriously don’t say nasty things about black men but get made when the same is said of black women.
The comments at Clutch have really gone to the dogs. Not so long ago we used to inform, inspire, and laugh. Now it’s just hate all day.
You started barking a long time ago, Queen of Newcastle!
The “myths,” by the way are in no small part the fault of black men. They perpetuate and give support to the myths everytime a prominent one chooses an ABB (anything but black) woman.
I say we, black women, end this unconditional support for black men. I know it’s complicated because we have black male relatives we love ( but even they date/marry ABBs– lol!).
I am divorced and do get lots of black male dates (I am lighter complexioned which is of CRUCIAL importance to them– very sad).
They really do need to be taught a lesson. Black women need to collectively decide to reject them. If black men showed collective preference and love for us, this stereotype would end.
I love us sistahs. As is clear from the tone of this comment, I’m just sick of this issue, this contempt for black women as a group, when it is undeserved racist slander, that our own brainwashed men largely cause.
I think we do perpetrate a lot of this, I agree…there is self hate amongst us at an all time high..
@Arabellamichaela
You obviously have an agenda. The vast majority of Black men date and marry Black women. To say or imply anything else is just dishonest. If you hate Black men, then just say so, at least be honest about your hate rather than trying to convince the world that all Black men are evil and hate Black women.
Now, go back to your BWE blog and quit bring your hate here.
I date who is on my level. I’m employed, childless, never incarcerated, unmarried and financially stable. I am all those things and when I look around for men who are all those things they tend not to be (that’s not to say they never are) black.
It makes more sense to date who is compatible than to date someone based on the color of their skin. In this way I never have a problem finding a guy to date (court).
@IAMSHE
Complete straw man. No one said to date anyone base on colour. Date who you want, just dont drag others through the mud. If you cant manage that, than perhaps you arent as together as you think you are.
In all fairness black women do a lot to reinforce the stereotypes about them. You can’t blame black women for talking about what they see in real life. These stereotypes wouldn’t carry any weight if many Americans didn’t actually witness a large amount of BW that actually fit them.
Your image STARTS WITH YOU !
Most of those men have no problem getting a BW when they get out. Especially at one of those get out of jail parties, also in comparison there are a lot of BW in jail and prison also, so its not as one sided as it seems to be.
The focus on the men in jail as if that is where all the good men are is very telling about a woman’s dating habits. The more gaggle one has the more risk that comes along with that.
Can a women date as many men or women as she wants, yes. Can people have a certain perception about it, yes. In each can we are free to act and think as we will.
But as a man, I think having sex with a women who has sex with multiple men, is like her bringing me a pair of underwear that multiple men hand on and telling me to put it on…
Preach brother.
I would also like to add that a beautiful Colored woman NEVER has a problem finding and keeping a moneyed Colored man (read highly educated and making 6-figures or more). The operative word here is “beautiful”, which, unfortunately, is not a title that one can hand out easily.
Want to be able to “gaggle”? Then review the following modifiable blueprint:
- get your $#!t together;
- step up your shoe and bag game;
- bring something more to the table besides sex;
- step up your hair game (hell, think about getting rid of the weave); and
- smile (it make you look even more beautiful).
Please note the following:
- I do not hate Colored women or women for that matter. However, I do shy away from the “unwashed masses” that are uneducated, unclassy, and unfeminine; and
- the above is only a blueprint, feel free to modify as needed.
Carry on.
What about the great number of overweight, obese, on welfare, or bastard child breeding black women ??? A “gaggle of BM may be unavailable, but a “gaggle of black women are also unavailable. Just like you can cross out certain types of men, Men cross out certain types of women. Welcome to the real world. Just as you view many men in a negative light, many men view you in a negative light, and it as nothing to do with the media.