Who is that girl you were looking at? Why is your phone always on vibrate; you don’t want me to know whose calling you? How come I can’t read your text messages, are you hiding something? If you’re not telling me goodnight, then who the hell are you saying it to? Who’d you go to the movies with? Keep it real, are you cheating on me?
Insecurity — often the elephant in the room. When it comes to these particular problems in a relationship, no one will argue that it’s not a natural feeling, but when you’re involved with someone and constantly reciting the questions posed up above, you’ve moved far away from the norm and crossed over into something that should be viewed only as a major problem.
How did you get here? Was there an incident that made you lose trust in your mate? Are you unconsciously blaming them for something the last person did? Feeling uncertain about someone or the outside actions of the person you’re with, sucks. How you got to that point often sucks even more. But when you peel back the layers on your reaction to their every move, especially the ones you know nothing about, in your eyes insecurity may seem harmless, but moreover it’s really a serious “control problem.”
“The best way I can keep from getting hurt is to stay aware of their every move. All. The. Time.” Right? Wrong.
You may thinking by nagging, prying, lurking and accusing your mate of the things unseen is a brilliant way to circumvent a problem, or that you’re seemingly scaring them into “staying in check.” Unfortunately, you’re doing nothing more than trying to control the outcome. Keyword: Control.
Control neither helps the situation or prevents your biggest nightmare from happening. No one wants to be in a relationship that feels like prison, or probation. Love isn’t always easy, but it doesn’t have to be mentally taxing.
Control truly does the exact opposite of our seemingly brilliant intentions. It forces your “victim” to move further away from you and chips away at the bridge the two of you are building when it came to laying down the foundation of your relationship— unless however, you’re with someone who is willing to look at your issue, as more than just your problem, but rather as our problem for the fixing.
I was once in love with someone who hurt me deeply. His name was Immanuel. We were young, he was living for the moment, and I was a victim of his “life of the party” mentality. After five years without him, most of which he spent trying to win me back, I finally conceded one day. I said ‘yes,’ and agreed to give it another go. My biggest mistake was not still loving him after all these years, rather it was allowing him back into my life and not having full trust, or complete forgiveness for what had transpired when we were younger.
Unfortunately when I took him back, I stayed riddled with the possibility of ending up on the wrong side of the page— being further victimized by this person who I felt had changed for the better this time around, even though my mind was constantly telling me to be on high alert for what he was doing when I looked the other way. I became a nag, an annoyance, a bass-ackwards Miss Cleo who thought I could throw a few trinkets on the table and have the answer to who he clicked over and talked to when he left me on hold for 45.2 seconds. Some b*%$h, that’s who. *facepalm*
I was a beast, the worst — but not in the beginning. Ignoring the initial problem and not working through our trust issue together, lead us to existing in a relationship that was nothing shy of “emergency planet earth.” Immanuel thought that my insecurity was my problem for the fixing. I felt like it was something we should have addressed from jump and worked through together.
Couples have to understand that a little reassurance truly does go a long way, however, when one person doesn’t want to practice this logic you have a situation where one of us is endlessly hurting, while the other begins to detach. The problem only compounds, and the insecurity in the relationship starts to amply. Unfortunately, if you didn’t know it, you’ve just signed up for a control problem.
People will say that insecurity is an individual’s problem. I’m willing to say that my thoughts on this waiver and truly depend upon whether or not you’ve put in the initial work to illustrate to your partner that you’re not doing anything to break their heart. If you truly address a problem from the begining and it continues to exist thereafter, well then it’s no longer “our” problem, it’s theirs for the fixing. Some people are looking for heroes, and no one should feel forced into wearing a cape.
My point? Consider this.
When you sign up to love someone, you sign up to work with them through their struggle, as much as they sign up to work with you through yours. You don’t have to own someone’s issue, but if you choose to be apart of their life, you should make a choice to help them in their issue, especially if it’s something you did that caused the problem in the first place. If they’re unresponsive to your nobility, then they problem isn’t yours to help them fix. They need to work that out on their own.
Like the saying goes, you can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them drink, however, if you buy a horse and chose to make them your own, you need to be willing to help them quench their thirst, or don’t saddle up to begin with.
What say you Clutchettes and Gents? Is insecurity a two person problem or should your mate work it out on their own? Dish.