I’m concerned about Black men. I saw a statistic that found a shocking number– 73.1 percent— between the ages of 25 and 29 had never been married. And as I read and thought of the emptiness in their single lives, I wondered, why there are so few stories addressing this startling epidemic. I mean, there are far fewer Black women that are unmarried, and selfishly, all the concern is about them.
Look, I get it. Black stories about Black women and the “tragedy” of being single are popular. Advertisers want numbers to spend dollars, so stories like “Why Black Women are So #$@%ed Up”, which do record numbers for page views, comments, ratings, etc., keep getting written. Story after story highlights what Black women do wrong, how we could change this, stop that, blah, blah, blah. This is unfair to single Black men who need major help on keeping a woman.
Just last Friday, I read a story on BlackEnterprise.com entitled, “Why Many Successful Black Women Can’t Keep A Man”, the most recent in a long, long list of stories about why Black women are soo–oohhh single. I was troubled to find yet another article that continues to ignore these troubled men. How will Black men ever get and stay married, the only achievement in their lives ever worth celebrating or acknowledging, unless there is an active effort to also tell them how they are routinely failing at love and how they can someday become loveable?
Contrary to what is obviously popular belief, maintaining a relationship is not solely a woman’s domain. There’s no such thing as “keeping” a man who doesn’t want to stick around. And there’s no sense in “keeping” one that doesn’t, won’t or can’t demonstrate some act right. And it seems like no one man, not never any one man out of all of those who are so quick to criticize Black women for being single, realizes that Black women at-large could become every contradictory thing that “they” say we should be and still, still broken relationships would persist because it takes two to build one relationship.
Men have been overlooked too long!! I would like to advocate a movement that addresses their sour single lives and encourages them to be fruitful and multiply within the confines of marriage, instead of continuing the cycle of absentee fatherhood. I encourage every breathing Black woman to join me in this new crusade.
Here’s an incomplete half of the equation on why some Black men are unable to keep a woman, the part guys really need to hear.
You Can’t Keep A Woman Because…
01. You’re Entitled
Great. You might have a degree, a good job, maybe even a tailored suit. It doesn’t give you the right to treat anyone like they’re disposable or to be treated like God’s gift to womankind. You did what you were supposed to do. You don’t get kudos for that.
02. You’re a Misogynist
You’re such a raging sexist that you don’t get why a woman is offended by your continued use of “female” as a derogatory euphemism for “bitch”. Adult humans are called women. Refer to them as such.
03. You Don’t Know How to Communicate
Texting is not talking. Pick up the phone. Also, while women empathize with your issues and mood swings, giving the silent treatment while you get in your feelings or when you argue with your partner is dysfunctional communication.
04. You Have A Substance Abuse Problem
It wasn’t cute to be high all day or drunk all weekend in college, but you were young and school is stressful and really, everyone thought you would grow out it. Now? It doesn’t matter that it’s high grade weed or it’s top shelf liquor, the fact is you’re a grown man who can’t unwind without a blunt or a bottle.
05. You’re Not Honest
You say you’re here, when you’re actually there. You say she’s just a friend, but she’s actually your ex or at least a woman you used to date. You get caught in these poorly thought out tales and even when your woman wants to give you the benefit of the doubt, you can’t keep your story straight. If you kept it one hundred, maybe someone could work with your shortcomings.
06. You Have Baggage
It’s terrible that your ex broke your heart. Most women have experienced this as well. Somehow many of them manage to get thru it. This whole, “she lied to me and now I trust no one ever” is not your next woman’s problem to solve, endure or put up with.
07. Your Past is Sloppy
All the women you’ve “dated” would be easier to deal with if you and your lady didn’t run into them every time she’s with you. Or if your “friends” didn’t still call/text your phone, especially not all day and at inappropriate hours. I know you had a past before you met your lady, but it’s not really the past, when wherever you and your woman are together, one of your “exes” is also present.
08. You Got “Comfortable”
You started off great. You totally got that a date wasn’t sitting on your sofa, and you had to take a woman out—somewhere, anywhere—for it to count. In the beginning, you put in time and gave attention. But then you and your lady claimed each other, and you decided all the basics were actually extras. Unacceptable.
09. You Don’t Make An Effort
Every relationship has its problems. That’s totally normal. But it is not a woman’s sole job to fix/address/solve the problems with “us.” It’s on US, that means YOU need to get involved and try to make things work just like she does.
10. You Want to Date Forever
Marriage is a big commitment that should not be taken lightly. But you desire the privileges of a husband and for an eternity without taking any vows. No woman in her right mind will put up with this once she catches on.