A Call to ActionI’m concerned about Black men. I saw a statistic that found a shocking number– 73.1 percent— between the ages of 25 and 29 had never been married. And as I read and thought of the emptiness in their single lives, I wondered, why there are so few stories addressing this startling epidemic. I mean, there are far fewer Black women that are unmarried, and selfishly, all the concern is about them.

Look, I get it. Black stories about Black women and the “tragedy” of being single are popular. Advertisers want numbers to spend dollars, so stories like “Why Black Women are So #$@%ed Up”, which do record numbers for page views, comments, ratings, etc., keep getting written.  Story after story highlights what Black women do wrong, how we could change this, stop that, blah, blah, blah. This is unfair to single Black men who need major help on keeping a woman.

Just last Friday, I read a story on BlackEnterprise.com entitled, “Why Many Successful Black Women Can’t Keep A Man”, the most recent in a long, long list of stories about why Black women are soo–oohhh single. I was troubled to find yet another article that continues to ignore these troubled men. How will Black men ever get and stay married, the only achievement in their lives ever worth celebrating or acknowledging, unless there is an active effort to also tell them how they are routinely failing at love and how they can someday become loveable?

Contrary to what is obviously popular belief, maintaining a relationship is not solely a woman’s domain. There’s no such thing as “keeping”  a man who doesn’t want to stick around. And there’s no sense in “keeping” one that doesn’t, won’t or can’t demonstrate some act right. And it seems like no one man, not never any one man out of all of those who are so quick to criticize Black women for being single, realizes that Black women at-large could become every contradictory thing that “they” say we should be and still, still broken relationships would persist because it takes two to build one relationship.

Men have been overlooked too long!! I would like to advocate a movement that addresses their sour single lives and encourages them to be fruitful and multiply within the confines of marriage, instead of continuing the cycle of absentee fatherhood. I encourage every breathing Black woman to join me in this new crusade.

Here’s an incomplete half of the equation on why some Black men are unable to keep a woman, the part guys really need to hear.

You Can’t Keep A Woman Because…

01. You’re Entitled

Great. You might have a degree, a good job, maybe even a tailored suit. It doesn’t give you the right to treat anyone like they’re disposable or to be treated like God’s gift to womankind. You did what you were supposed to do. You don’t get kudos for that.

02. You’re a Misogynist

You’re such a raging sexist that you don’t get why a woman is offended by your continued use of “female” as a derogatory euphemism for “bitch”.  Adult humans are called women. Refer to them as such.

03. You Don’t Know How to Communicate

Texting is not talking. Pick up the phone. Also, while women empathize with your issues and mood swings, giving the silent treatment while you get in your feelings or when you argue with your partner is dysfunctional communication.

04. You Have A Substance Abuse Problem

It wasn’t cute to be high all day or drunk all weekend in college, but you were young and school is stressful and really, everyone thought you would grow out it. Now? It doesn’t matter that it’s high grade weed or it’s top shelf liquor, the fact is you’re a grown man who can’t unwind without a blunt or a bottle.

05. You’re Not Honest

You say you’re here, when you’re actually there. You say she’s just a friend, but she’s actually your ex or at least a woman you used to date. You get caught in these poorly thought out tales and even when your woman wants to give you the benefit of the doubt, you can’t keep your story straight. If you kept it one hundred, maybe someone could work with your shortcomings.

06. You Have Baggage

It’s terrible that your ex broke your heart. Most women have experienced this as well. Somehow many of them manage to get thru it. This whole, “she lied to me and now I trust no one ever” is not your next woman’s problem to solve, endure or put up with.

07. Your Past is Sloppy

All the women you’ve “dated” would be easier to deal with if you and your lady didn’t run into them every time she’s with you. Or if your “friends” didn’t still call/text your phone, especially not all day and at inappropriate hours. I know you had a past before you met your lady, but it’s not really the past, when wherever you and your woman are together, one of your “exes” is also present.

08. You Got “Comfortable”

You started off great. You totally got that a date wasn’t sitting on your sofa, and you had to take a woman out—somewhere, anywhere—for it to count. In the beginning, you put in time and gave attention. But then you and your lady claimed each other, and you decided all the basics were actually extras. Unacceptable.

09. You Don’t Make An Effort

Every relationship has its problems. That’s totally normal. But it is not a woman’s sole job to fix/address/solve the problems with “us.” It’s on US, that means YOU need to get involved and try to make things work just like she does.

10. You Want to Date Forever

Marriage is a big commitment that should not be taken lightly. But you desire the privileges of a husband and for an eternity without taking any vows. No woman in her right mind will put up with this once she catches on.

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  • AD

    This article is brilliant. Funny, but most of all, in many cases, TRUE! I’d love to read some studies and watch some TV coverage on why so few black men are married. What’s really going on here? Good piece.

    • Smilez_920

      + 1. But unfortunately when it comes to love and relationships , books , blogs and movies are gearded towards women. I guess markets go by the notion that women ” love .. LovE”.

      Number one ” entailment ” issues rang bells man. I mean some of these guys think someone should kiss their feet because their doing what an adult is suppose to do. Going to school, planning your future , working , paying bills, being respectful etc..

    • Duh

      It’s pretty obvious why.

  • Pseudonym

    [standing applause]

  • cece marie

    i dont see the sarcasm. the points she listed were legit.

  • EST. 1986

    I can understand why some may have missed this as being satire when the same kind of content is not satire when it is focused on women.

  • paul

    I’m afraid I have to agree with those who say “why are so many black men unmarried” doesn’t work as moral panic or as satire.

    Black men haven’t made an issue out of being unmarried in the same way black women have and I think black women only have themselves to blame for letting this particular genie out the bottle and only themselves to blame that they can’t put it back.

    For years the media has subjected us to an endless barrage of women complaining that they can’t find a good man, that they’ve scaled the heights of academic and career success but that success is spoiled by their inability to find a man on their level.

    But I don’t recall hearing many objections to media “exposés” on the reasons so many black are unmarried in the days when people like Oprah controlled these kinds of debates. The answer was always predictable – namely that men were intimidated by women’s success or that men couldn’t handle a strong woman. As long the discussion followed that format nobody complained.

    The internet changed that. :-)

    We begun to hear the Other Side of the story, which painted a less flattering picture of women who can’t find a man on their level – and needless to say that’s when the complaint became – “why the obsessive interest in black women’s love lives”.

    A too late attempt to put the genie back in the bottle because the floor had now been opened up to every whacko with a questionable axe to grind, to come in and advance their distorted worldview on the back of what is mostly a media invented non-issue.

    Now we have all an all out black man vs black woman war being fought on the internet over absolutely nothing at all. Because the truth is as many black men as black women are unmarried and while many of them may aspire to marriage at some time in their lives being married is not the most urgent issue for most black men and black women.

    So what’s the lesson?

    dunno but have at it

    well just have to wait for em to punch themselves out.

    • leelah

      I’m going to disagree. I have brothers, cousins, and three male friends who I’m very close to. Once men let their walls down with you, they’re worse than women. All I hear about is how much they want a solid relationship, they’re lonely, do I think they’re marriage material.

    • Derek

      YOU LYIN

    • Chillyroad

      @paul

      Couldn’t agree more. Black women hopped right into bed with the media.

    • D

      Bruh, you handled your business with this comment. I was about to type the same response. Black women in years past would run to ABC, NBC or whatever channel to share their “woe is me” stories. Beautiful, successful but still single, what could ever be the problem? They would gladly join in the black men-media bashing of “this percent is gay, this percent are high school dropouts, this percent have multiple baby mommas, this percent are convicts,” etc., etc. I would literally be stunned at the caricatures that were routinely painted of black men and the panels of black women that would participate in that nonsense over and over. For a long period of time, and probably still, black women being unable to find a “good black man” was big business for magazines and TV.

      When the mirror is turned around, now the wails of “why focus on us” start. lol

      I understand this article’s satire. It made me chuckle. But the satire of the satire would be sisters are now complaining about a situation they helped create, all the articles you see now and find so insulting. The media is a fickle partner.

    • Pamela

      So how did Black women help create this problem? Please tell me.

    • D

      I explained that in my post. When the media was on the “there are no good black men” bashing campaign, who was front and center on every show talking about how they can’t find a man, saying most black men are gay or in jail or uneducated or unemployed, etc.? Black women. When the media came calling for that nonsense they should not have expressed wholehearted agreement with such a ridiculous premise. That created the current problem by highlighting supposed dysfunction in black relationships and it was a natural progression for the media to go from examining the problems with black men to discussing the problems with black women. Not to say that we as couples don’t have issues. But it’s never just one side. Black men took our bashing. Now it’s women’s turn with these “condescending” articles about what’s wrong with black women.

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