A Call to ActionI’m concerned about Black men. I saw a statistic that found a shocking number– 73.1 percent— between the ages of 25 and 29 had never been married. And as I read and thought of the emptiness in their single lives, I wondered, why there are so few stories addressing this startling epidemic. I mean, there are far fewer Black women that are unmarried, and selfishly, all the concern is about them.

Look, I get it. Black stories about Black women and the “tragedy” of being single are popular. Advertisers want numbers to spend dollars, so stories like “Why Black Women are So #$@%ed Up”, which do record numbers for page views, comments, ratings, etc., keep getting written.  Story after story highlights what Black women do wrong, how we could change this, stop that, blah, blah, blah. This is unfair to single Black men who need major help on keeping a woman.

Just last Friday, I read a story on BlackEnterprise.com entitled, “Why Many Successful Black Women Can’t Keep A Man”, the most recent in a long, long list of stories about why Black women are soo–oohhh single. I was troubled to find yet another article that continues to ignore these troubled men. How will Black men ever get and stay married, the only achievement in their lives ever worth celebrating or acknowledging, unless there is an active effort to also tell them how they are routinely failing at love and how they can someday become loveable?

Contrary to what is obviously popular belief, maintaining a relationship is not solely a woman’s domain. There’s no such thing as “keeping”  a man who doesn’t want to stick around. And there’s no sense in “keeping” one that doesn’t, won’t or can’t demonstrate some act right. And it seems like no one man, not never any one man out of all of those who are so quick to criticize Black women for being single, realizes that Black women at-large could become every contradictory thing that “they” say we should be and still, still broken relationships would persist because it takes two to build one relationship.

Men have been overlooked too long!! I would like to advocate a movement that addresses their sour single lives and encourages them to be fruitful and multiply within the confines of marriage, instead of continuing the cycle of absentee fatherhood. I encourage every breathing Black woman to join me in this new crusade.

Here’s an incomplete half of the equation on why some Black men are unable to keep a woman, the part guys really need to hear.

You Can’t Keep A Woman Because…

01. You’re Entitled

Great. You might have a degree, a good job, maybe even a tailored suit. It doesn’t give you the right to treat anyone like they’re disposable or to be treated like God’s gift to womankind. You did what you were supposed to do. You don’t get kudos for that.

02. You’re a Misogynist

You’re such a raging sexist that you don’t get why a woman is offended by your continued use of “female” as a derogatory euphemism for “bitch”.  Adult humans are called women. Refer to them as such.

03. You Don’t Know How to Communicate

Texting is not talking. Pick up the phone. Also, while women empathize with your issues and mood swings, giving the silent treatment while you get in your feelings or when you argue with your partner is dysfunctional communication.

04. You Have A Substance Abuse Problem

It wasn’t cute to be high all day or drunk all weekend in college, but you were young and school is stressful and really, everyone thought you would grow out it. Now? It doesn’t matter that it’s high grade weed or it’s top shelf liquor, the fact is you’re a grown man who can’t unwind without a blunt or a bottle.

05. You’re Not Honest

You say you’re here, when you’re actually there. You say she’s just a friend, but she’s actually your ex or at least a woman you used to date. You get caught in these poorly thought out tales and even when your woman wants to give you the benefit of the doubt, you can’t keep your story straight. If you kept it one hundred, maybe someone could work with your shortcomings.

06. You Have Baggage

It’s terrible that your ex broke your heart. Most women have experienced this as well. Somehow many of them manage to get thru it. This whole, “she lied to me and now I trust no one ever” is not your next woman’s problem to solve, endure or put up with.

07. Your Past is Sloppy

All the women you’ve “dated” would be easier to deal with if you and your lady didn’t run into them every time she’s with you. Or if your “friends” didn’t still call/text your phone, especially not all day and at inappropriate hours. I know you had a past before you met your lady, but it’s not really the past, when wherever you and your woman are together, one of your “exes” is also present.

08. You Got “Comfortable”

You started off great. You totally got that a date wasn’t sitting on your sofa, and you had to take a woman out—somewhere, anywhere—for it to count. In the beginning, you put in time and gave attention. But then you and your lady claimed each other, and you decided all the basics were actually extras. Unacceptable.

09. You Don’t Make An Effort

Every relationship has its problems. That’s totally normal. But it is not a woman’s sole job to fix/address/solve the problems with “us.” It’s on US, that means YOU need to get involved and try to make things work just like she does.

10. You Want to Date Forever

Marriage is a big commitment that should not be taken lightly. But you desire the privileges of a husband and for an eternity without taking any vows. No woman in her right mind will put up with this once she catches on.

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  • p

    I know this is satire but *Why do Black women act as if Black men are the only men on earth*? This is the reason the conditions on this list and ones not on the list is so prevalent.Please get a clue.

    • SAMURAI36

      Ah yes, I’ve been waiting for this response…. When all else fails, get you a white man, gurl. He’s the magic cure-all for all yo problems.

      As if other men don’t have the same issues black men have.

      Or didn’t Halle & Mauvais learn that the the hard way?

    • EST. 1986

      Quite frankly, men of other races don’t have the same issues as Black men.

    • D

      I always love how people of one race think people of another race have it sooooooo easy. White men, Asian men, whatever are so great, they don’t have the issues of black men, etc., etc.

      Here’s a test: talk to the women of those other races and see what they think about their men….LOL. I do not see white women, Hispanic women and Asian women crowing about the greatness of their men….LOL. I pretty much see them bitching about pretty much the same issues, or different and equally serious issues, as black women.

      It’s as silly as a black man thinking white or Asian women will be more docile and submissive based on some circumspect understanding of their culture. LOL…yeah right.

    • victoria

      Have to agree with Est 1986

      Many non black men dont have the same issues as many black men.

    • Do better

      It’s a class issue. Per capita, there are more financially solvent, educated, emotionally intelligent men looking for genuine love outside the African American community within the U.S. That is not racism, it’s reality and the stats back it up. It’s not that being white inherently makes a better husband, that’s an idiotic manipulation of the argument. It’s that there are more white men within the United States who aren’t plagued with generational poverty, criminality, mental illness, a cultural attitude that promotes promiscuity and discourages marriage, and that insidious victim mentality. I do not believe a young black woman should go against her own personal interests in favor of staying “down” with the black man. If you can find a white/other race of man who loves you and takes care of you go for it!

      Oh, and Halle is with a fantastically rich and handsome Frenchman right now. So you were saying?

    • Not at all .

      I can’t go white because I can’t go pink. Darn, you have to have sex with them, too. I know that sounds racist, but my hairs stand up on the back of my neck when I see them looking at me. I’m thankful my husband is black. I don’t know what I would do if we divorce especially since I’ve been hearing for the past couple of years, “black women should date white man” and no available black men. Beginning to think something is wrong with me.

    • SAMURAI36

      @ Do Better:

      I was “saying”, that the class debate is Smyth. People from all sides of the economic spectrum suffer from relationship issues.

      If you think rich white men don’t suffer from a culture that promotes mental illness (aren’t these the same Crackas that commit serial killings, mass murders, & all sorts of other heinous crimes?), promiscuity (you don’t think white men cheat on their wives, have orgies, screw their maids, as in the case of Arnold the Terminator, marrying several wives like Mitt Romney, etc), then you are truly delusional. Who do you think we as Black men learned all these”values” from in the first place??

      It’s really tragic to hear people (especially women) drinking the Cracka’s Kool Aid. Get your heads out of the white man’s butt for 5 seconds, & start seeing him for the vile monster that he truly is..

      As for Halle Berry, the last I checked, she hasn’t had a successful relationship a single day in her life, with neither a black or white man. And her “baby daddy” is a white man, who dumped her “fantastically rich” & CRAZY ass.

      Just goes to show, money does NOT buy happiness.

    • SAMURAI36

      There is nothing wrong with you, simply because you do not wish to be intimate with a white person.

      There is nothing attractive about white women, or people as a whole; their pale/pink skin, stringy hair, weirdly shaped bodies, & foul smell, put me in the mind of having sex with rodents, & I don’t “do” animals.

      The Divine created Black men for Black women, & vice versa. As a man, I am meant to be inside a Black Woman, just as I was destined to come out from one.

      Don’t let the media & Black self-haters convince you of otherwise.

    • ?

      Because growing up, their mothers coddled their brothers to death.

      Because they are desperate for male attention they didn’t get as a little girl.

      Because their community says without a “black king” she’s nothing but a bitch/hoe/female

  • JJ

    Best article ever on this site

  • Chillyroad

    Girl you didn’t know the white man’s penis is the new black? Lol. I kid…

    • Therapist

      You seem obsessed with white penis =/ You are always bringing it up in some manner. Let’s talk,

      Did a white peen hurt you?
      Does a white peen threaten your black peen?
      Are you stock piling on white peen and don’t want anyone else to get some?

      Go ahead, I’m listening.

    • Chillyroad

      The only people obsessed are those who treat it as if its a magic wand. Bare in mind I was responding to a comment I didn’t bring them up at all. Living in a rather large English village in the UK where it is 98% white I’m quite frankly bored of all white people. They’re banal at this point. No “Something New” meh…

    • EST. 1986

      No, you aren’t kidding.

  • Girl! You think like me. I did a little ditty I called The Top 12 Reasons Black Men Are Still Single and a BlogTalk Radio show on the subject. These dudes really are on their own jock

    • Stanley

      Do you think (we) black men have problems getting women to do what we want?
      It is (black) women who have problems getting (black) men to do what they (women) want.
      Men are not complaining for not getting enough sex. Women are complaining for not giving the sex in a relationship.

  • okay, not to go back and forth on this subject but when black women that are in the age range of 25-30 (something) like black men are, they don’t know how to handle a good black man; maybe it could be the type of women i attract or attracted to (which is totally different subject) but i personally find that most of those women don’t want a gentlemen that is husband potential or after date three are ready to walk the aisle, in any case, not given the relationship time to grow; i read this article on “why men need to get married” which is written by a man by the way, and its true, men need to get married, not that marriage is a burden we need to carry, but its something to get us to think beyond ourselves; but the fact is, either by choice or if society and social media have shaped black women to think like men which is not good and to some degree black men have been acting like women; so for a man to keep a woman and for a woman to stay with a man, lets get back to the basics and let the men be men (responsible and protecting) and let the women be women (wise and nurturing)