Girl Talk: I Want To Be Told I’m Beautiful

by The Frisky

Yesterday I posted a quote from former Bond Girl Eva Green, who complained about being told she’s beautiful because she’d rather people compliment her for her acting talents. This quote irked me — as it irked many of you — and I’ve been thinking a little bit about why, exactly, I found it so annoying. On one hand, it’s irritating to hear anyone complain about being complimented. On the other hand, I “get” why it would be bothersome to have her good looks seemingly overshadow her other talents. Regardless, Green’s problem is utterly unrelatable; it’s certainly not one I’ve ever dealt with — quite the opposite, in fact.

Put simply, I would just love for someone to tell me that I am beautiful.

Sometimes when I look in the mirror at the person looking back at me, I see ‘pretty,’ but then my memory of just how not ‘pretty’ I was comes back crystal clear and I find it impossible that what I’m seeing in the mirror is reality.

I’m not proud of this desire. I know beauty is only skin deep, that it’s in the eye of the beholder, and other such sayings. I know that what is considered beautiful is something that, in large part, has been shaped by the society we live in. Hell, Jessica Simpson has managed to make an entire crappy show about that very topic. I would rather be smart and funny and kind than drop-dead gorgeous — that’s the truth — but I would still very much like for someone to look at me and praise me exclusively for looking lovely.

This desire to be viewed as beautiful by other people stems from being, well, ugly during my teenage years. When I turned 14, I was hit with a triple dose of hideous — very bad acne, glasses, and a mouth full of braces. My mom will tell you that I was beautiful then and she wouldn’t be lying — but then again, my mom, like most, is utterly incapable of seeing her kids as anything but beautiful. But, in my eyes, I was grotesque and I don’t think I have ever gotten over that. I spent countless hours during class staring at my skin in my compact mirror, applying and reapplying powder, trying everything I could to hide my blemishes. It took me years to get used to smiling wide after finally having my braces removed.

Sometimes when I look in the mirror at the person looking back at me, I see “pretty,” but then my memory of just how not “pretty” I was comes back crystal clear and I find it impossible that what I’m seeing in the mirror is reality. I still feel, in some ways, like that unattractive teen, and I desperately want to have someone (oh hell, a man) look at me and confirm that the person in the mirror is me.

I don’t always feel so insecure — I am totally secure in my abilities at work, in my writing, in my sense of humor, and in how I am as a friend. There are days, a lot of them even, where I feel cute and sexy. Usually this is without any “help,” but I am guaranteed to feel good about the way I look if I get some sort of validation from a man. But even during those moments, I never feel beautiful. I can’t remember the last time I was told that. That’s why insults — intentional or not — directed at my appearance cut so deep; that’s why criticisms about my clothes and style are a dealbreaker.

Every single time that I meet a guy or hook up with someone and it doesn’t go any further or it does and then ends, my gut instinct is to assume that it’s because of the way I look. There is still a teeny tiny part of me — which I know, in my brain, is irrational — that thinks that my ex-fiancé ended things because he just wasn’t attracted to me. Having such a lame time online dating isn’t helping matters either — when I “wink” at someone (never “out of my league” physically, by the way) and they don’t respond, I am sure it’s because I’m not pretty enough.

I’m not fishing for compliments here, I promise. I just want to stop pretending that I am completely secure, that by projecting security I can defeat the pangs of low self-esteem I still sometimes feel. Regarding how an innocuous quote from a celebrity can bug the hell out of me, I should probably examine why; doing so might do me more good than pretending it doesn’t.

This post originally appeared on The Frisky. Republished with permission.

  • DasaniFRESH

    This is an interesting article only because it projects the idea that as women, individually, we all think we are beautiful, but society has a way to dangle some starlet in front of us with more desirable features, causing us to question our own appearance. We all agree that Stacy Dash is drop dead gorgeous, but do I want to look like her? No, because I look like me, and I already LIKE who I look like.

    I think the author, like many women, suffers from insecurities of not being labeled pretty. But again, beauty is so subjective. One man, may find you utterly beautiful while the next may find you somewhat attractive. I am only 25 and I have had to learn to grow into this beautiful skin of mine. I am not drop dead gorgeous; my own mother told me I was ugly (because I am the splitting of my father), yet others have told me that I AM pretty and I have since “wisened” up to see it in myself that I no loner need that affirmation from anyone else. I am sorry your ex-fiancee may have not found you attractive but harboring on those thoughts will only continue to bring you down. It’s his loss; someone out there finds you prettier than Stacy Dash and is waiting for the opportunity to take you out and romance you.

    To further capitalize on this notion, I just want to say that we DO get told we’re beautiful or pretty, just not by the people we want to hear it from. A dude on the street stops you and tells you this and you immediately dismiss it, not taking into account that you may be the most beautiful thing he’s ever seen walking. Just sayin’ ladies, wisen up…

  • http://gravatar.com/missinformation7 Ms. Information

    Ok, Can I comment from a black woman’s perspective? (the writer is white) I get tired of white women wanting to be told that the are beautiful. Every commercial, television movie, Disney movie, independent film and blockbuster praises white beauty. How can someone constantly see images of themselves and not know that they are the image most projected as beautiful?

  • Tallulah Belle

    The author needs a hobby of some sort, asap. She’s just done way too much thinking about this.

  • Starla

    I am like Eva, I couldn’t care less about being complemented for my looks. I hate hearing I am intelligent, and I am pretty/beautiful. I guess when you hear something over and over again you do not appreciate
    it anymore.

    For the writer, do not wait to be told you are beautiful by anyone. Start telling yourself and believe that you are beautiful. Nobody can give to you what you are unwilling to give to yourself.

  • http://theblackgirloncampus.blogspot.com Peace

    Let’s not make this a race issue. Sure, white beauty is praised, but it doesn’t include all types of white beauty. Our views of beauty are very narrow and just because the writer is white does not mean she is included.

    Regardless of her race, I feel that every female can relate. I’ve learned that I can’t wait for someone else to tell me I’m beautiful until I start believing it. I need to start telling it to myself.

  • Jillybean

    Well I can’t speak for others, but I saw a lot of myself in this piece.

    …and I’m a black woman.

  • C

    I kind of see both of your points to some extent.

  • __A

    I agree. I understand how some black women may feel annoyed because white women are considered the standard of beauty in the West, but ALL women struggle with not measuring up to the standard. To us it seems like the media is telling these women over and over that they are beautiful, but I think media can hurt all women’s self esteem. It seems like the media praises white women’s beauty to us. To them, it might lower self esteem and make them feel inadequate when they don’t look like Megan Fox or Cindy Crawford.

    I think it is like when black media promotes Megan Good or Beyonce. They may be praising a black woman’s beauty, but since you don’t look like these women you feel less beautiful.

    I think eating disorders with some white women also show this feeling of inadequacy. The media shows skinny white women, but women don’t see this as praise of white women. They think it’s time to eat less, to hit the treadmill because there is always something that needs to be improved.

    I agree with JillyBean. I think all women can relate to this article.

  • Love Sosa

    because they don’t see images of themselves. just as every natural haired dark skinned black girl that somehow gets used in 90% of commercials doesn’t rep all of yall.

    there’s still one type of women being portrayed as pretty in the media.

    every girl deserves to be called pretty, if some of yall were told that at a younger age. you wouldn’t be busting it wide open when dudes shoot that at you later.

  • AM

    I don’t see what is so irking about the actress’ statement! C’mon. In a world that seemingly associates beauty with dumbness, and in an industry, where looks are the topic of discussion day in, day out, I don’t see what is so wrong with her wanting her talent to be recognized, FIRST. She is not dismissing the compliments, more like, yes, thank you, but….”there is more to me than my looks”. What is so wrong with that? And why the heck are you internalizing her statements, and making it seem as if she has taken certain liberties from you?! Too much ado about nothing. This article was overthetopdot org.

  • AM

    THANK YOU!

  • http://twitter.com/gennatay Damn it Gina! (@gennatay)

    On the flip side of this, you can be told your beautiful, pretty a million times over. But unless you see yourself that way, you’ll never feel it.

  • http://gravatar.com/missinformation7 Ms. Information

    @ _A I think my annoyance is just fresh because I went to the movies this weekend and sat through 15 minutes of previews….not one black face, asian, hispanic, indian et cetera…literally every movie coming out was with white men and women….

  • AM

    LOL! Hey Miss Thang!!

  • http://gravatar.com/missinformation7 Ms. Information

    Hey AM!!!

  • monastic_one

    Ok, this is how I feel in a nutshell — we as black women already have enough problems to deal with without importing in white women’s petty issues. One of the things that BW have going for us is our self confidence despite not being displayed positively in the media. It looks like they are taking these articles written by white women and plopping pictures of black women on top to brainwash us into being low-self esteemed ditzes like they are.

    There are way too many weak-mind encouraging articles on this site sneakily written by white chicks — I’m going to stop wasting my time here.

  • KitKat

    Yeah but the average white woman is not tv pretty. White skin is not enough, the hair, skin tone, physique and facial features have to be white society perfect, and without much effort most don’t meet the ideal.

  • Yb

    @Ms. Information

    I feel your annoyance is justified. I don’t know why you got so many thumb downs. Why white people may not perfectly fit the white beauty ideals that are being shown in the media, their self esteem in the fact that they are white is affirmed every time they turn on the T.V.

    I guess it is shocking to some that a black woman doesn’t shed tears over a white persons pain, or decides to not to give a damn about those privileged over them. I guess to some we still should be in Mammy/Black Best Friend mode always.

  • Tommy

    This flip slide of her are these 250 pound obese women walking around talking about I’m sexy dammit! lmao

  • EST. 1986

    She could disguise herself as a Black woman and walk through predominately Black neighborhoods; She’ll be told she is beautiful and all kinds of things.

  • EST. 1986

    I couldn’t care less for being complimented either, especially when you are expected to give something in return.

  • EST. 1986

    The compliments from ‘dude’ on the street are usually lecherous in nature and make most women uncomfortable.

    I must also note that I do not think Stacey Dash is drop-dead gorgeous.

  • Treece

    I’ve seen a lot of comments made about the fact that the author is white and how clutch is trying to somehow push this issue on black women…. Not so. I am a BW who has felt very “unpretty” in my life at times. I always get told how pretty I am by strangers and ppl I do know, but from the neck down, I feel hideous. I have lots of stretch marks (with no children to show for them), surgery scars, and I am slightly overweight. I look at other women’s bodies and I feel mortified. This is in spite of the fact that I often am told I’m attractive. I know that I am also intelligent, kind, a great friend, a good listener. But I hate my body and feel ugly about it. The key is that I know I’m not the only black woman who feels this way.

    Black woman get painted w/ this stereotype of extreme amounts of confidence and being a “strong Black woman”. But I think this stereotype sometimes hurts us. When we actually do have depression or self esteem issues, they get overlooked, even by other BW. We get the side eye and accused of letting white culture affect our sense of self. So we resort to covering up and ignoring our own feelings and insecurities. It has to stop. It’s ok not to be strong all the time. The important thing is to have someone to talk too when you start feeling this way (friends, family, maybe even a therapist or counselor). Not all of us BW feel sassy/sexy or super-confident all the time……

  • EST. 1986

    I don’t mean this in a good way. I am referring to street harassment.

  • Tinfoil

    So you really think this article and others are jedi mind tricks by the wo-man to keep sisters down?

  • http://theinfamousl.wordpress.com theinfamousl

    This made me sad reading it. The underlying issue is of course as many people have pointed out that you have to know that you are beautiful on your own before you expect anyone else to see that.

    It could be very possible that some of the issues in her relationships may be due to her insecurities in general and NOT her looks or lack thereof. They can affect the way she communicates, how much she trusts someone, the amount of attention and validation she needs from her partner. I’m not trying to make any assumptions about this but I have found when you aren’t comfortable with who you are you have a tendency to be in tumultuous relationships or just a lot of issues in what could be a healthy relationship.

    Generally, you can tell by the way a woman carries herself if she is lacking heavily in self-confidence and many times there are people who are not attracted to that or even worse prey on it.

    There are women who are not beautiful by societal standards that have managed to find loving relationships and people who truly believe they are beautiful. It could because they have a high regard for themselves or that they did not allow their insecurities to get in the way of their relationship. Whatever the case, not everyone is shallow in ending relationships or shying away from pursuing someone because they don’t think they’re attractive enough. Why even pursue someone if you’re not attracted to them? Isn’t attraction usually the first thing that draws us into someone? By this, I mean all forms of attraction physical, mental, emotional, etc.

    There is a difference between having insecurities and being an insecure person. I don’t know anyone who doesn’t have insecurities. I have them myself but they do not alter my self-esteem or the way I view myself because through them all I believe I am a beautiful person and in many ways it’s those insecurities and the way that I embrace them that makes me beautiful. I am much like Eva Green in that I don’t want to be regarded for my looks (even though I don’t consider myself drop-dead gorgeous) and would like to be recognized for the things that make me a person and not an aesthetic.

    I hope that the author of this is able to dig deep into herself and all that makes her beautiful and own it. People place to much value on what is on the outside.

  • Billy Paul

    Define “busting it wide open”, please. It seems like such an intriguing phrase.

  • http://www.gallimaufry.ws T.

    True, but every now and then you may get a dude on the street who pays a compliment with all sincerity, and with no ulterior motive. The vibe is different in those cases (no creep factor), but it is also true that such cases also tend to be much rarer than your everyday catcalling (which is often unwanted, rather than complimentary, attention).

  • http://gravatar.com/nolakiss16 binks

    Agreed! I though t I was the only one going “wait…what?” on this article. Sorry gals but I’ am confused on this one. Though I get the gist of what she is saying but it could have been executed better. But sticking on the topic, I have the opposite problem. People could tell me that I’ am beautiful, pretty or cute but I usually do a double take to see if they are referring to someone else. For the longest, I could never take a compliment referring to my looks because I always felt like they were either A) lying or B) trying to butter me up for something…lol or C) just being nice until I realize the problem was internal. I guess nobody truly never see themselves as other see them which creates these holes in our self-esteem. At the end of the day, we are the our worst and toughest critics… But I agree that people should not only be praise for their beauty but for their talents these days it seems like for women you either fall into the “beauitful” bar or the “smart, funny, talented, personality,etc.” bar I think everyone wants to be praise and complimented on all aspects of their person not just one

  • http://twitter.com/AlaiaWilliams Alaia Williams (@AlaiaWilliams)

    Aside from the braces and acne part, you pretty much captured my life to a T with this one (whoever wrote this article).

  • Hmm?

    I agree with you in regards on the whole atleastshe’soverhollywood’svanity tip; however, I think you’re missing the point. The author is using this as a segue to discuss her own personal insecurities. I think a lot of women, myself included, can relate.

  • Hmm?

    Agreed.

  • http://gravatar.com/jamesfrmphilly jamesfrmphilly

    black women need to know that they are beautiful without no body having to tell them.
    it has to come from within.

  • http://gravatar.com/missinformation7 Ms. Information

    @ YB..you understand exactly where I am coming from…I understand the power of media. They control these images to control minds….I know most white women don’t look like the women on tv but they are the closest thing to the image created. They just paint white women as these beautiful innocents that can do no wrong…I am just tired of the stereotypes.

  • Rue

    “Regardless, Green’s problem is utterly unrelatable; ”
    For you yes. I completely agree with Miiss Green. who wants to go to their job each day and hear compliments on physical appearance? For the record i am no beauty queen, and i loooove hearing that I’m gorgeous. but not when it come to my profession.

  • kissofdanger

    Amen!

  • Pseudonym
  • Pseudonym

    I like being told I’m beautiful by boyfriends. I’m very pretty, but for some reason, until I was 24, I had never had a boyfriend who called me beautiful. It was more just assumed/understood. Strangers tell my I’m pretty and it’s quite nice to hear my boyfriend say it. I never noticed that was missing until I experienced it.

  • Nicole

    You’ve said all I was thinking… I spend half the time trying to live up to and project that strong, confident black woman generic, hoping that faking it till I make it will work, I try focusing on every one else, volunteer, charity work… but there come those moments when you are by yourself… and try as you might, those feelings of inadequacy wash over you and still leaving you feeling like none of it is good enough. Me personally I try to keep as busy as possible to try not to think about it, but it also means I go through life without ever really dealing with it. The fact that she is white is irrelevant to me.

  • http://www.be-quoted.com bequoted

    Cute is certainly different from pretty. Being called beautiful goes far beyond looks and is a true compliment. It’s so crazy how the bad things we’ve been called/felt stay with us longer than all of the good. Nice post!

  • http://gravatar.com/chanela17 chanela17

    i cannot STAND when people call me cute! i am 22 and people always tell me that i look 14 or 15 and then it doesn’t help that i have a high pitched cutesy voice. when people call me cute, i feel like they aren’t taking me seriously. cute is for kids dammit! lol

    has anyone ever called beyonce “cute”? NO! i want to be womanly and sexy : (

  • http://gravatar.com/chanela17 chanela17

    i have the opposite issue. people would say ” you are so beautiful” but it’s hard to feel beautiful when someone has told me before that i look like oprah and whoopi goldberg. i feel hideous and fat but i guess i need to listen to what everyone else is saying??

  • ?

    Let’s face it, not every single person in the entire world is pretty, beautiful or cute, there are some darn right ugly looking people walking around. With that being said, isn’t it better to foster the idea that looks are not important (because really they are not in the grand scheme of things) and to reject the superficial?

  • KitKat

    I hope I am still around when terms like “All American Girl” or “The Girl Next Door” are used to describe brown girls. Or the cover of People magazine’s sexiest man alive is an asian dude. Sometimes watching television and film, makes it seem like that will never happen.

  • mr.vicious

    As opposed to being black and walking through a white neighborhood. I sure your beauty is welcome over there.

  • Kacey

    Yes! Thank you for saying what I intended to say. Death to the “Strong Black Woman” meme!

  • Perspective

    disagree James – I can’t believe that a bunch of women co-signed that.

    Once again evidence of black women and their GROUP THINK.

    Damn do you all just love things that sound like they come out of a nursery book. Although I once thought that ‘because it sounded good”

    Let me break this down – being beautiful has everything to do with how other people view you.

    When we are talking about BEAUTY and the BEAUTY that the author is talking about we are talking about the OUTWARD BEAUTY THAT PEOPLE CAN SEE WITH THEIR EYE BALLS, not this intrinsic magical MOVIE beauty.

    I guess I can be RICH in my own way because being RICH comes from within?!

    NO – we all know that sound silly. What black women truly want is to be TOLD they are beautiful – and that’s done by black women being able to wake up in the morning and KNOWING that they are THEIR OWN MAN’S FIRST PICK.

    Unfortunately – based on all the arguments that are had on this website that I don’t care to get into (especially as a black man up in here) THAT is not the case.

    Very little black men and women are going to agree on – MOST we are going to disagree on, nor to I feel most women ACTUALLY understand THE VALUE of a woman in the eyes of a man and how that view can and has changed.

    A woman’s beauty is measure by her number of WINS – men trying to holler beyond just the superficial, I mean REALLY taken aback by her BEAUTY – the kind you can see with your EYEBALLS.

  • Perspective

    When talking about OUTWARD beauty how a woman feels about herself really doesn’t matter. Women can talk that – its about what they think ish all they want. We all know its really about what men think, and black women FEEL, whether real or not, that they aren’t getting noticed like that and TOLD they are beautiful at the more collective level.

    There are entirely too many articles on this website about black women feeling devalued and unappreciated ESPECIALLY when it comes to the way they look – to suddenly say – ITS ALL ABOUT WHAT’S ON THE INSIDE and how you feel about yourself.

    Let a man come thru and choose woman A) over women B) – OMG woman B) self esteem is SHATTERED!

    People are being internally dishonest with these threads – as if they don’t know what the author is talking about.

  • Perspective

    @T

    I agree – HOWEVER – some women GET ATTENTION they just don’t get attention from the men they want, which is what makes it UNWANTED and not taken the same way.

    The problem for some women is that they will completely dismiss the number of men THEY DON’T WANT who compliment as if it doesn’t happen at all.

    No – its just the guys that you don’t want. If they were the guys you do want, that same YO MA! might actually work – because he’s attractive.

    Here comes the “I WOULD NEVER… IF A MAN EVER TALKED TO ME LIKE THAT BLA BLA BLA” type women – OH PLEASE – I’ve done it. Women talk a lot of BS to try to make their stock sound like it’s higher than it really is.

  • Honey B.

    I am currently suffering big time from insecurities I am an insecure young black woman, and have, I felt, reached the lowest of the low. I know they (my insecurities) have effected my relationship as well. I just found my boyfriend looking up porn and what have you’s of a big booty pretty white girl, when my petite frame is nothing at all to compete, which deflated my insecurities even more. I know I need to look deep inside myself and realize I am beautiful, because I am. But it has been hard to battle society’s standard of beauty, and i mean that for black woman. I am definitely no video vixen when it comes to the body department, and I have been reminded that for most of my life and even in my current relationship, he says he’s happy with me being petite, but I don’t believe it.. Even though this article is talking more about facial features, I can still in all definitely relate. Each and every day is a struggle, but I know there is much more to life than visually pleasing others, and that’s what I plan to conquer.

  • __A

    @KitKat

    “I hope I am still around when terms like ‘All American Girl’ or “The Girl Next Door” are used to describe brown girls. Or the cover of People magazine’s sexiest man alive is an asian dude. Sometimes watching television and film, makes it seem like that will never happen.”

    Not with mainstream Hollywood. This is where I think powerful people like Tyler Perry and Oprah could be doing more. I’m not going to hold my breath on Hollywood showing us in that way. I will be extremely happy when they finally decide to drop the mammy and angry and crazy stereotypes.

  • EST. 1986

    I disagree.

    A woman may think she is beautiful and a man may think he is handsome, but at some point in time, affirmation from the outside is going to mean something.

  • EST. 1986

    I get called ‘sexy’ all of the time, usually by Black men.

    To be ‘sexy’ means to be sexually attractive or exciting. I prefer that men not call me sexy outside of the bedroom.

  • Pseudonym

    Girl, don’t take porn personally! I can tell you I watch a of stuff that I would never actually want to experience in person.

  • Honey B.

    Lol, ok thanks pseudonym, I will try.

  • Trinity

    This — What black women truly want is to be TOLD they are beautiful – and that’s done by black women being able to wake up in the morning and KNOWING that they are THEIR OWN MAN’S FIRST PICK.

    I have never struggle with knowing I was beautiful because of being told from everyone from all walks of life. but Nothing replaces the moment when your man looks at you as if you are the most beautiful woman he has ever seen. You may not have society standard of beauty, but who really cares if your man truly adores you and you love yourself.

    Society may never embrace how all black women look. This gives us more reason to love ourselves. And if you are in a relationship, make sure that man holds you to the highest regard.

  • Nic

    Beautiful comment. People forget that beauty is subjective and yes, it is great to have enough self-esteem to think that while girl x is pretty, I don’t envy her looks. That’s how I feel. It is especially hard for black women b/c a white woman doesn’t have to look like much to have her “beauty” reinforced, but a lot of lovely black women (inside or out) start at a disadvantage when they internalize the idea that their dark skin or non-straight hair is NEVER beautiful (not true, but definitely a battle a lot of black women fight and lose).

    There is a lid for every pot and yes, not everyone likes the same lids, no matter how much certain people get photographed or discussed.

  • http://gravatar.com/solfresh solfresh

    Though being called beautiful feels great, there’s a downside to wanting to be called beautiful to validate yourself. If you can’t seek your own beauty within yourself, you’re just setting yourself up for failure. Plus you’re adding onto the heap of pain that was your adolescence. I grew up with the same afflictions; acne, glasses, skinny shape and braces. I’ve been called ugly before and always wondered why I couldn’t get the attention other girls received. Well it wasn’t until college that I was able to accept myself and undo a lot of the pain I endured in primary school. I remember being skeptical of people if they called me beautiful. Then after getting used to it, I kind of turn into a beauty whore. Hoarding every compliment I received and letting it build me which was a bad move. In the end people are finicky, the only person you can trust to hold you up even when you’re at your worst is yourself.

    If a man only wants to call me beautiful to get in my pants, I don’t want his compliment. Sadly, in the past I put stock into what guys called me when behind the word beautiful they couldn’t give a single care about me beyond the bed. Eventually, I had to stop myself and realize I couldn’t use my lackluster teen years as a crutch to embrace my beauty. It was keeping me from making female friends and it was putting me with the wrong boys.

    I know how you feel, being called beautiful, gorgeous, stylish, pretty whatever feels great. In my opinion and experience though if you still haven’t fixed yourself and adjusted how you view yourself; it’s poison. I would lean on those attributes you mentioned (and know to be true) until you’re strong enough to realize your beautiful and that physical beauty pales in comparison to your character. Through heart to hearts with trusted male friends, good female friends, and a lot of truth telling to myself, I was finally able to see myself as beautiful. No outside comments necessary.

    You’ll never heal from your past depending on outsiders to compliment you.

  • Do better

    The article was written by a white woman, LOL. And the women who have self esteem so fragile that it can be crushed by something as arbitrary as what a perfect stranger prefers to stick his peen into need to seek professional help. Seriously. Even though devastatingly low self esteem is super common and maybe even the norm for disenfranchised communities, it is NOT the natural healthy disposition of women. You must live near/encounter some pathetically empty and emotionally unintelligent women.

    When a woman DOES things in her life that make her FEEL good about herself, i.e. helping less the fortunate, taking care of family/friends, forging a career, creative endeavors, etc. she could give a flying f**k what some mouth breather on the street finds attractive. Real talk.

    And this is coming from someone who’s told they’re beautiful all the time. It means nothing unless you know and feel it from within. Which was the crux of the article. Something as flimsy and unsustainable as what a man wants to copulate with will always be a precarious and miserable yardstick for a woman to measure her worth by.

  • Do better

    As someone who gets mistaken for the “video vixen” type due to my body shape and features, trust me; it is NOT a compliment when someone views your body and thinks of copulating with you. Let me repeat- it is NOT a compliment to you as a person when your body makes a man think of sex.

    This is a common conflation in our society, especially in the young hip hop community. Someone wanting to F you has nothing to do with love, acceptance, companionship, any of the things we seek emotionally from men. It only has to do with their base instincts and innate primitive desires. The ultimate outside validation is when someone loves you and accepts you for who you are as a person and the good you do in your life and the lives of others. Being sought after for having huge breasts and a big a** does nothing but cloud your life with trashy, abusive men who mean nothing but harm to you. Trust me.

    I understand that being sexually attractive has certain (mostly superficial) advantages, I’m not saying that it doesn’t. But the spoils of life are not reserved only for those that meet society’s standards of beauty. Go get yours girl!

  • Do better

    If you let what others think define how you feel about yourself buckle up, because you’re going to have a long and miserably bumpy ride through life.

  • http://gravatar.com/missinformation7 Ms. Information

    co-sign…..

  • simplyme

    @Perspective.

    To put it nicely… you are clueless.

    Yes, women need to know that they’re beautiful without being told.

    Yes, women also like (maybe even need) affirmation too as a number of women’s comments have already demonstrated….

    BUT its not a numbers game. Women aren’t like men inn that way. It really only takes one man, a father, a husband, a boyfriend, whatever… who’s a steady and constant source of that affirmation and shes set. It has nothing to do with her number of “wins” or whatever… that egotistical crap may be how you view yourself or women but women don’t really view themselves that way.

  • Wendy

    I think most women can truly relate to the joy of being told or the longing of wanting to be told that they are beautiful, by a man whom they admire, desire, respect , love or any combination of the above. However, when I see a person, man or woman, that I find beautiful I make sure to let them know it. Beautiful skin, an infectious smile, healthy shiny locs, bright animated eyes,a precision haircut or even an expertly shaped eyebrow are all worthy of praise for the simple joy of giving and receiving positive energy. Peace

  • RenJennM

    I grew up knowing in my heart-of-hearts that I’m beautiful but believed I was lying to myself because, in my head, boys never seemed to see it. I often got passed up for the girls who were basic in the face but awesome in the body; I, on the other hand, was all face no body. Once, in 9th grade, a boy I knew came up to me and was like “You are so pretty, but you are too damn skinny!” Built up just to be knocked down. Scarred me for life!

    Even today, as a 23-year-old, I struggle with my beauty sometimes. In a perfect world, I’d have my same face but with a slimmer nose; I’d be at least five inches taller in height; and my body would be shaped like Laura Dore’s, with the even skin of Gabrielle Union’s. Instead, I’m tiny, with the body of Golden Brooks, the height of Jada Pinkett-Smith, and the cherubic face of a 14-year-old… not to mention the stretchmarks, scars, and constant *ahem* body grooming I have to deal with to even have smooth enough skin to show off to wear a dress WITH tights.

    Luckily, when I clean up, I clean up WELL, and in those moments… I truly believe my beauty really COULD compete with a celebrity’s or a model’s. But those moments take a lot of work. And even with six-inch heels, I’m still short and am often mistaken for jailbait. In those moments, I do wish I would be noticed by men as much as my friends or my cousins. I find myself putting on a game face a lot to make it seem like it doesn’t matter that EVERYONE I came with to an event collected numbers but me. The craving for validation is a motherf*cker, I swear. But the older I get, I worry about it less, which makes me more secure and more happy. That is, until we’re out another night, and it happens again, and I’m knocked back down to square one.

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