I’ve dated my fair share of ladies’ men.

One in particular was a self-proclaimed male model who seemed to be allergic to shirts. “Ricky” was the type of guy that any sighted woman would find physically attractive and therefore the type of guy I should have stayed as far away from as humanly possible. Instead, I made a solemn vow to not develop feelings for him. Because that almost always works sometimes.

One night, after casually dating for over a year, we somehow stumbled onto the topic of each other’s “number.” Yes, that one.

“What’s yours?” he asked.

Was he crazy? “You first.” I actually had no problem telling him how many men I had slept with but there was principle involved. I wasn’t giving him that bit of information unless there was some reciprocity.

“Guess,” he said.

Ugh. Knowing Ricky I’d need NASA’s help to accurately tabulate that figure. I remembered reading somewhere before that the average man slept with about 20 women in his lifetime. But Ricky was not the average man. Ricky loved the ladies and the ladies loved him. I mean he was a model, for Christmas’ sake. Ricky had probably slept with dozens of women. Maybe even *gasp* scores.

So instead of just throwing random numbers at him, I tried to develop some reasonable equation. His age minus the age he lost his virginity times the square root of the number of Saturday nights each summer, carry the 2, and I estimated that he could have slept with approximately 70 women. Give or take a dozen or two.

“I dunno. 50?” I asked. I undershot the figure that I’d come up with because I didn’t want to overtly accuse him of being a manwhore. I would hate to offend the guy, with him being so pec-tacular and all.

“Higher.”

“Uh, 75?”

My lover winced and squinted at me through one eye. “236.”

Right now, I want you to imagine the sound you’d make if you’d just gotten air after being trapped underwater for two solid minutes. Now imagine that that water was filled with herpes. That’s how loud I gasped.

“Eww, eww, eww, eww, eww,” were my first five words after sucking in all that shocked air. I remember them distinctly. I shrieked them and I rubbed my skin and hair hard enough to start a fire. It felt like worms were slivering over my entire body, but mostly inside of my vagina.

“Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Oh, my God.” I wasn’t sure if I was being dramatic, but I didn’t care.

Scrambling to find my clothes seemed like a legitimate response, especially since he reserved this subject for a post-sex conversation. Freaking the fuck out was a visceral reaction and happened without me even thinking. So you can only imagine how I acted once I started thinking.

“Dude. That’s like–” 236 divided by the total number of years he’s been having sex minus… Jesus, I don’t have time for this! I’m a writer damn it. We don’t do maff. Where the hell is a Texas Instrument when you need one? Or at least an abacus…  “That’s at least one new woman a month.”

Ricky collapsed all his perfectly symmetrical features into his “my bad” face.  And then he flexed.  And then I forgot where I was going with this. What the hell was I saying? Something about long division? Oh right.

“Dude that is a lot of women.”

I didn’t mean to slut shame the guy. I really didn’t. It’s in violation of my own constitution when it comes to sex and sexuality. I am completely of the belief that if you’re a consenting adult, then what or who you do with your own genitalia is entirely your business and no one else’s.

Ironically, hearing gossip about other women’s “high numbers” has yielded a complete different response from me.

“So? That’s a grown ass lady you’re talking ‘bout. Mind your Goddamn business.” But from someone whose penis had been inside me only moments before? Whoa. It made me uneasy knowing that the only thing that separated me from the residuals of 235 other lady parts was a thin, albeit magnum-sized piece of latex. I’m just not that evolved yet.

But the intercourse was only a tiny part of the problem. The biggest issue was that the accumulation of 236 partners had womanizer splattered all over it to me. Over 200 and the man was still able to keep count? He wasn’t just sleeping with women, he was collecting them.

And while I truly believe that’s completely okay for anyone else, male or female, him being that “seasoned” just wasn’t okay with me. If that makes me a hypocrite, I’m kind of okay with it.

So even though Ricky was sweet, and honest, and fun to be with, and scorching freaking hot, I gathered my things, kissed him goodbye, and left his bed for the last time.

Okay, okay it was the fourth to last time. But you catch my drift.

This post originally appeared on XOJane. Republished with permission. Click here for more Shayla on XOJane! 

  • SAMURAI36

    This is why I ALWAYS ask what the number is of any woman I am considering getting involved with. I know a woman that told me roughly that same number, & regardless of how attractive she was, & how sexually compatible I felt we might be, I just couldn’t do it. It says alot about a person, male or female, who is willing to sleep with that many people. I personally want no parts of it.

  • MimiLuvs

    I know that this comment is going to receive a lot of ‘down votes’….
    Am I the only woman is slightly annoyed by the “oooh, you’re sl@t-shaming, you’re a terrible person’ thing? Recently, I have been accused of sl@t-shaming another woman, by an aquaintance of mine who likes to play the role of Sister Solidarity. It was after I told a mutual friend of ours that she is a ‘gardening tool’ because having an affair with her pregnant sister’s husband. (fyi, the gardening tool asked for my opinion about her, after I just visited her sister.) I wasn’t hip to the term, so I googled the term and read the definition. So, yeah, I “sl@t-slamed” another ‘woman’. I don’t feel any less like a good person. ::shrugs shoulders::

  • Smilez_920

    If your not comfortable with his number. Don’t date him. only the individual has to be comfortable with their body count. Plus 236 that’s a male prostitue or sex addict ( Just playin )

    While you don’t have the right to shame him/her . You have the right to express that his or her choices don’t sit we’ll with you and that you don’t want to be with them. That’s your choice .

    For me I don’t really look at body count as much as I look at clean HIV/StD results . But to each it’s own. ( but I can’t front 236 would have made me side eye him too).

  • Ooh La La

    Sleeping with your pregnant sister’s husband… I think just about anyone would consider that triflin’ slut-worthy behavior.

  • Britt

    I agree with the comment above. To me, being against slut-shaming is contradictory to what we teach young girls in society. Girls are told to respect themselves and not to develop a reputation especially in their high school and college years. However, if a girl does develop a reputation and she’s called out for it, it’s slut-shaming and not right. Society doesn’t mind calling out mistresses and side chicks for sleeping around with men who may be in relationships, but isn’t that slut-shaming?

    There are double standards when it comes to sexuality between men and women, but if slut-shaming is going to be deemed as bad, why not just tell young girls at an early age that they have a right to be sexually free?

  • Liz

    sleeping with your pregnant sister’s husband makes you a hoe and a lot of other things. That’s not slut shaming.

    Slut shaming is being preoccupied with what I do with my vagina and thinking you have the right to judge me for it.

  • Britt

    To me, being against slut-shaming is contradictory to what we teach young girls in society. Girls are told to respect themselves and not to develop a reputation especially in their high school and college years. However, if a girl does develop a reputation and she’s called out for it, it’s slut-shaming and not right. Society doesn’t mind calling out mistresses and side chicks for sleeping around with men who may be in relationships, so why is slut-shaming deemed so bad?

    There are double standards when it comes to sexuality between men and women, but if slut-shaming is going to be seen as such a bad thing, why not tell young girls to be sexually free?

  • PC

    We gotta use these words correctly, you’re not a hoe unless you’re selling yourself, and you have a pimp

  • Mina

    I think we absolutely should tell girls at early ages that they have the right to be sexually free. I tell my daughter that her body is her own and only she gets to decide who touches it. I also tell her that sex is not bad, but a very beautiful, great thing. She should be able to sleep with as many people as she pleases as long as she protects herself and its consensual. She shouldn’t have to fear being slut shamed. Just my two cents…

  • Rocks

    I don’t understand how she SLEPT with him and THEN that conversation came up. She should have asked him initially, I mean, my goodness..It’s not right though…shaming this man because of the amount of women he slept with and wrote an article about him. She’s not any better than him for sleeping with him, because, quite frankly, they are BOTH “collecting” a higher body count.

    So even though he is on number 236, she might be on number whatever. I love how she delicately left that detail out.

    Either way, it ain’t right. It ain’t right! Barely know the man, got mad at him, mad at yourself…pshh shouldn’t have been in that mans bedroom anyway.

    That’s why asking the correct questions besides looking at the aesthetics is better than rushing into things.

  • WTF

    Ewwwwwwwwwww, that is just nasty and yes I am judging.

  • Liz

    Yes, shaming them and calling them names is the right thing to do. That will keep them from opening their legs.

  • http://gravatar.com/nolakiss16 binks

    236….um wow. Personally I am over shaming people on what or whom…they do sexually. Because these days you get shamed if are sexually active or not having sex(actually had someone told me he found it pathetic that someone is a virgin outside their teen years)
    that everything is becoming muddy and hypocritical. I get why his number will give you pause because as mention you wonder if he is collecting notches on his bed post, is he boyfriend material, are you another conquest,etc. So I don’t think you should be faulted for slowing down or backing away, everybody has their limits and own personal standards that they have to judge for themselves. But I wouldn’t shame him for indulging in his sexuality if it was 1 woman or 200. However, let’s be honest women/girls aren’t met with the same open mindness. I do get the double standard aspect because if roles were reverse and a woman was comfortable with her 200+ lovers she will be every name in the book and the butt of every joke (thinks of Kim Kardashian off the top of my head).

  • LadyP

    You just took the words out of my mouth. Simply too much!

  • Smilez_920

    Slut shamming is wrong, but I think we should stop always equating sexually freedom with just body count.

    there’s a difference between a grown ( adult) woman sleeping with 40 men and a 16 yr old girl telling you she’s had 40 partners. I believe we should teach our daughters they have the right to make their own sexual choices, but we have to do it in a constructive helpful way , not just ” yea just have sex be free).

    I agree with you on the mistress point. But I guess ppl view a mistress in the same light as a hoe/slut , a woman with no morals.

  • Smilez_920

    The above comment was a response for @Britt

  • hilldog

    aeems like everyone heee making commments is either a slut, ho, oe noth. INCLUDING the writer of the article.

  • Liz

    I agree, if a 16 year old tells you she’s had sex with 40 men, I’m taking it as a cry for help, and I’m going to help. Shaming her and making her feel dirty…does what exactly?

  • Orange Starr Happy Hunting

    WOW I wonder if that 236 were only women, mmmmm extreme promiscuity is a red flag!

  • hilldog

    I see my comment has been completely jacked. don’t matter, I won’t be back. So long whores.

  • http://gravatar.com/lovegiraffes onegirl

    I’m mad you continuing sleeping with him, and his other 235 others. Gross.

  • http://gravatar.com/chloerayne516 GirlSixx

    Listen, I too WILL and HAVE JUDGE a man based on his high body count, even though I am understanding that a man will always have a higher number than me that is why I have a number range in my head i am willing to deal with depending on his age. At the end of the day this is my life and health we talking about here so I make no apologies when it comes to determining how I wanna deal with a person who has a number I am not comfortable with just like they may or may not have an issue with mine. *shrug*

  • Wiseman

    Being a cum bucket is not exactly being First Lady material. I want all our women to aspire to be First Lady material. Thank you.

  • EST. 1986

    The term ‘slut-shaming’ is usually reserved for women. One cannot exactly ‘slut-shame’ a man when the behavior is expected of him. The word isn’t being used correctly here.

  • Chillyroad

    At that age, male or female, that is a cry for help.

  • Liz

    Chillyroad…
    True, the grown woman may just like to f*ck (a whole lot of people).
    The 16 year old =/

  • Leslie

    I think people are crazy to discuss specific numbers. Let’s go get tested together. That sounds better to me

  • Liz

    re-read.

    I agree with you. They need help.

  • Anthony

    Why are you shocked? It’s not like you were in love. You wanted to get with him because he was hot, just like the other 235 women. A man cannot be a whoremonger without a whole lot of whores!

    To be clear, I am not judging. I just say get real. The man seemingly sent out messages he was a player, not some nerd grateful to get a sniff of your goodies.

  • http://curlycrazyblog.wordpress.com curlycrazyblog

    Wow! That’s a lot of women and there’s nothing wrong with you not wanting to see him again. I know that number would be seriously alarming to me as well. If sleeping with tons of different women is that important to him, could he ever be faithful? For that matter has he ever had a serious girlfriend? If so, did he cheat on her? But then again, that’s assuming you’re looking for a relationship. If you’re just looking for sex then those questions probably wouldn’t apply.

    I never really asked for numbers because, for the most part, you can tell what type of guy you’re dealing with from jump. It’s a gut instinct. For example, your gut told you he’s a player, and the number just confirmed that. But in this case, he started it by asking for your number. When someone asks for your number, they know the next question will be “what’s yours?”, so it seems to me that he was proud of his number and wanted to share it with you for whatever reason. Kinda creepy.

  • Liz

    PRECISELY!

  • Allie

    If you ask you shall receive.

  • Apple

    I cackled at this story

  • Britt

    Why does the 16-year-old have to have a problem that she needs help with just because she wants to sleep around? Why should she have to be conservative with how many guys she sleeps with just because she’s a teenager? If slut-shaming is bad, why can’t the 16-year old just get a jump start on having many sexual partners.

    This is why I think slut-shaming is so contradictory.

  • Smilez_920

    1) I never called the 16 yr old a slut.

    2)Children and adults are not on the same scale when it comes to sex ( male or female).

    3) most 16 old girls who are sleeping with 20 to 30 guys aren’t doing it to express some ” Samantha , sex in the city, my sexuality is my spiritual , sexual freedom agenda”. Most of the time their doing it because , they think sex is the only way to get attention, they think sex some how makes them more mature or grown up or the worse scenerio , they’ve been touched at a younger age and they don’t see any value , or they think sex has to be in the picture for them to keep someone interested . I’m not against teaching sexual freedom. But I prefer it be done in stages and ages.

  • http://www.notacookie.com lanee

    “Now imagine that that water was filled with herpes.” LMAO

  • http://tontonmichel.tumblr.com Tonton Michel

    Maybe this convo should have taken place before she got in bed with him, instead of playing high post after the fact. Hope this was just a joke.

  • dee

    I couldn’t trust that solely on the basis that I’d feel like we wouldn’t go on to be in a committed relationship.

  • Britt

    I didn’t say you called the 16-year-old a slut. I believe slut-shaming to be contradictory because it sends mixed messages to girls. When they’re young, girls are told to be sexually conservative but when they’re older, and called out for sleeping around, slut-shaming them is bad.

    A grown woman in her 30s or 40s could also be using sex with multiple partners as a cry for help as well. The 16-year-old could just want to sleep around because that what she wants to do. If slut-shaming is supposed to be bad, then the 16-year-old’s behavior should be accepted, because if she was 26, she could use the slut-shaming defense as to why she shouldn’t she be judged. It’s possible that she may be ready to be sexually free at 16.

    It makes no sense to teach girls at a young age to be conservative if it’ll be acceptable for them to sleep around with as many guys as they want. I just think it sends mixed messages. That’s my take on it.

  • Liz

    If you didn’t think there was a problem with a 16 year old having 40 sexual partners, you wouldn’t have used “her” in your example and made the distinction in your original post.

    We can go into whether or not a 16 year old should be having sex in the first place… but let’s not. 16 and 40 sexual partners. When did she start having sex? If it wasn’t that long ago, where/when/how are you sleeping with these men? Where’d you meet em? Are these boys your own age?

    40 sexual partners at that age is not, “sexually free, it”s my body” it’s “help” no matter how you slice it.

  • simplyme

    Wow at 20 being the male average…even that seems quite high to me.

  • EST. 1986

    “Slut-shaming, also known as slut-bashing, is the idea of shaming and/or attacking a woman or a girl for being sexual, having one or more sexual partners, acknowledging sexual feelings, and/or acting on sexual feelings. Furthermore, it’s “about the implication that if a woman has sex that traditional society disapproves of, she should feel guilty and inferior”

  • Smilez_920

    16 yr olds can’t afford babies , stds , there own place to sleep with these boys ( how many stories do you hear about girls letting guys run trains in them, on giving a boy head in the stair case).

    Certain freedoms come with certain age and maturity. I’m not saying the 26.yr old cant be sleeping around for the same reasons , but there’s a more than likely chance if a girl is 16 has slept with 40 guys at her high school, she’s not doing it because she’s just ready for sex ( with most teenage girls who do very extreme things like that, there’s an underlying reason ). Boys are included in this as well.

    There are things that are ok for adults that the majority of teens can’t handle .

    The message is when you are an adult who can afford the consequences of sex , understand the choices you are making and how they can affect you, then proceed . ( I honestly wish more teens waited until they were at least 18 to start having sex, but it seems like most are starting at 13 and 14 nowadays . )

  • Kema

    You know the joke that says 90% of the women want 10% of the men? Well 10% of the men get 90% of the women. If more guys could get away with this they would. The average is low but not from lack of trying.

    When do people stop having the number convoy?

  • Anthony

    Common sense ain’t all that common, but you served up a nice helping!

  • Pseudonym

    Yeah, the fact that he kept count is “interesting,” to say the least.

  • Caramel

    Yuck!!!!! You should have had this conversation long before a year rolled around!!

  • Courtney**

    The number itself wouldn’t really be the issue for me per se. Even with a “clean” bill of health, he could still have HPV (and after hundreds of women, honestly, given the number of women who had had it and not known… I’d say he’s probably 99.9% likely to have been exposed to it at ONE time, or several times…)… but even if he was clean, his attitude toward sex would be the deal breaker. A number than high tells me that sex has no emotional value to it. If women are just bodies to him then letting him inside mine is not something I would ever feel comfortable doing. Sex has more meaning to me than that and I need a guy who holds it in similar high regard.

    But after that many women, honestly he better have given you MULTIPLE orgasms because he should know allll the spots. I guess that’s the one bright side :-/ And if it wasn’t, you should let him know he’s WAY behind the curve.

  • kamille

    “Ladies’ man” sounds more like sexual addiction -_- 236 women!!!! ridiculous. We need to examien this word ‘slut-shaming’, and while I’m a womanist and I believe in gender equality and do you boo boo as long as you hurt no one else in the process…How does one distinguish between having fun and being promiscuous versus ACTUALLY having a sex addiction. Do we draw the line at casual sex with people you know as “fine” “okay” or “normal” or is very frequent random sex with strangers problematic? I think it’s great for people to own their sexuality, but not necessarily use people to get your fix. Idk..maybe I’m a slut-shamer too?

  • kamille

    But I forgot..to ask…

    Like if it was such a problem and so damn important, why not ask in the beginning of the relationship, and then later upon finding out you get all grossed out? Obviously it wasn’t that important to you, smh. I don’t understand that reasoning, he all of a sudden grosses you out and you end the ‘dating’. Hypocritical doesn’t seem like the right word to me (or maybe it is?)…but maybe just poor reasoning/choices.

  • Rah

    I think people rather lie to them to get them to do what society wants, it’s safer/easier than letting them be free.

    I don’t have a child, but when I do, I’m not going to teach them to bend to w/e b.s. social rules, I’m going to teach them to make responsible decisions.

  • Rah

    I think our women should aspire to be President material

  • cupcakes and shiraz

    Wow girl, you’re dim.

    While it’s completely natural for a sixteen year old girl to be sexually curious, most studies show that teen girls who sleep around either were sexually abused or suffer from some issues, be it self-esteem, depression or the like. Sexual promiscuity is not a normal thing for a high school girl.

    I hope you never breed– you’d be a horrible, neglectful parent. You probably wouldn’t even know if your kid was dying even if they told you so.

  • cupcakes and shiraz

    Considering that men usually up their numbers by half- that means this man slept with 118..,which is still far too much. I’d judge this guy too just because he seems to lack any boundaries.

  • http://www.ohsuperstar.tumblr.com Courtney J.

    I don’t even know 236 people. I don’t even have that many contacts in my iPhone. I couldn’t even throw a birthday party and expect 236 people to show up. I haven’t even conversed with 236 people in the past year. The last plane I was on couldn’t even carry 236 people. Poor little numbers 34 and 127 they probably were really nice girls or guys, hey you never know. LMAO

  • Orange Starr Happy Hunting

    Basically this dude sounds like he is just looking for a nut, however he can get one, with whomever, because that is how this type of individual rolls more often than naught. Wide open.

    I also agree with Courtney**, people are just reduced to orifices when someone views and engages in sex SOOOOOOOO casually and sooooooooooooooo often, but it is more like dude is just a body and how empty that must be.

  • http://tbennettshannon.com MsTBennett

    *endless tears* I haven’t laughed this hard in weeks. This POST. Loooooooooool. I’m at work in TEARS because I just can’t.stop.laughing. I’m sorry this happened to her but woooooweeeeee is she hilarious.

    This was the kicker: “Right now, I want you to imagine the sound you’d make if you’d just gotten air after being trapped underwater for two solid minutes. Now imagine that that water was filled with herpes. That’s how loud I gasped.”

    *DEAD*

  • Pink Lipstick

    I’m not typically into slut-shaming but a number that high shows that he lacks self-control. I wouldn’t even kiss up to a hundred people.

  • Lala

    I would rather be with a man that has slept with 100 women but visits the gum clinic (u.k std clinic) than sleep with a man that has had two partners but dosen’t value his sexual health

  • Rochelle

    Skimmed the article:

    2 thoughts:

    1st
    Ricky is a liar.

    2nd
    Question: why are you having this convo AFTER you slept with him? That is retarded

  • Dee

    So true. But I’ll admit 200 something odd bodies would make me uneasy. As the writer said especially since he’s kept count. The way he said guess was like he was proud he’d had that many.

  • Dw

    236 partners, thats a herpes nest. N for you to still sleep with dude 4 times is just disgusting. Some dudes wouldn’t even sleep with a chick that is near 50 dudes. Man, many of you women are just disgusting. When you catch something, u going around spreading that non-sense, no wonder the black community is full of AIDS and HIV and HERPES. man you all are some disgusting @ s s ppl even the author. Nasty.

  • Dw

    Why is that retarded, whats retarded is the pathetic choice in mates you women deal with. Whats retarded you will deal with a dude just because he has a smoking hot body, but yet ignore that this smoking hot body comes with 236 ppl and the potential that dude may already have an STD, or even worst AIDS. I mean my god, know wonder the sexual behavior in the black community is an all time low. No responsibility and yet black men who are not involved in such lose behavior must turn around and look at many of u black women with respect? GTFOH. Bunch of nasty @ sses

  • Dw

    Just looking at the Author picture i feel dirty, let me move on to another article. uugghhh

  • john doe

    No wonder the author suffers from depression. She was one of his cum buckets.

  • Youwishyoucouldbeme

    I don’t believe the guy. Not because I think he couldn’t have bedded that many women, but because I doubt he’s telling the truth.

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