The ‘Thoughtless Date’

by Morgan Kelly Radford

Tonight, I’m wondering.

I’m wondering when and if I’ll ever find him.

I’ve dated for a while now. I’ve dated the lawyer. The medical student. The businessman. I’ve dated the Romanian lecturer. The Spanish professor. The R&B star.

I’m tired. And I’m too young to be tired. But I am. I am tired of feeling like my quality, my exclusivity, the very essence of myself, is being shared with men who are neither deserving, nor enticing. With each meal that I share, each movie that I sit through, and each coffee I sip, I feel like I am giving a small piece of myself to the young suitor who sits across the table, beside me in the theater, or on the adjacent couch at Starbucks. With each conversation, I feel like I am sharing some piece of myself with a man who is neither deserving of my time, nor of the access he is granted into my soul for that brief window spent together.

I never really believed in dating. I thought it was too conventional; inorganic, really. I didn’t believe in going out with someone just to “give him a chance.” No. I thought that dating, at least in my sense of the term, should be thoughtless. As in, you should meet someone in the grocery store and, amidst inspecting the tomatoes, he cracks a joke and you both smile. And you never have to question whether or not you want to go on a date with him because by the time he asks, after a series of pleasantries and easy banter, you just know you do. And so you say “yes.” Not only do you say yes, but you look forward to it. You enjoy the time it takes to select your outfit, to turn around in the mirror, and to call your closest friend for wardrobe advice.

I would like to call this ‘The Thoughtless Date”—the one you don’t have to decide whether or not to accept. The one whose sheer possibility fills you with unbridled excitement. Pure. Positive. Energy.

It has been ages since I’ve been on a Thoughtless Date. Worse, it’s been ages since I’ve been excited about someone. In fact, it’s only happened once. And I remember those days well: talking for hours about everything and nothing at the same time; feeling like he could anticipate my next thought. He matched the same principles, mores, and self-righteousness that defined my youth. And yet, he challenged me. In a way that no other peer ever has. He was able to take my best thought to the next level, adding perspective that I had neither considered, nor did I feel I could have conceived of on my own. And that’s where his partnership mattered. He complimented me. He stretched me. He was kind and loving. Protective and fierce. He exemplified, in my mind, the epitome of gentle strength.

He was the only boyfriend I have never had to work with. My mind was on cruise control when I was with him. I never had to work to be polite with him, as I have with many other dates, pretending to listen as they droned on and on about topics about which I didn’t care to hear. With him I did, genuinely, care. What he thought was interesting, I, naturally and of my own accord, also found interesting. With everyone else since him, I have had to politely listen as egomaniacs methodically stroked their own ego, simply wanting an audience to listen through pursed lips and furtive nods. I’ve had to attend events that I, quite frankly, could have died a happier person never having attended. I’ve had to smile politely as potential suitors made references to a future that I, in my own head, knew would never exist.

Yet I have neither seen those qualities nor felt that synergy since, and am left wondering if I ever will. So, after all the years, dates, and coffees in between, I wonder if I will ever again find a man who excites me. A man who, at the sight of his number on my phone, makes me smile like a freshman in college. A man who, upon hearing the sound of his voice on the other line, makes me feel reassured just knowing he’s there.

So I am hereby reinstating the dating embargo. Because when the date doesn’t work out, I inevitably blame myself.  “I should have been more discriminating before hand,” I tell myself, claiming that I could have saved myself the last three excruciating hours of mindless pleasantries and eye-gouging boredom.

Worse, with each underwhelming suitor, I begin to question my own worth. I wonder if he is all I’m worth, or all that I will ever have access to.  “What am I doing,” I ask myself, “to make this underwhelming creature sitting across from me think that we, in some misaligned universe, would ever be compatible? Are there fine men out there who are passing me up? Are they just ‘not that into’ me? Am I not hot enough? Not kind enough? Not smart enough?”

So, to prevent this insecurity build-up, it’s back to the basics for me. Old School. I will no longer go out on dates to be polite, nor will I go on dates because I am lonely and talk myself into “giving the guy a chance.” No. Not again.

Instead, I’m waiting. And no one knows better than me how unsettling it is to wait. You just wait until someone, well . . . “finds you.” And although this may be hard, I fear that the alternative may be worse. Because with each potential suitor to whom I give a small piece of my time, energy, and attention, he inevitably takes a piece of my heart; so that when I meet Mr. Man, I fear I won’t have anything left.

  • Tim

    Her problem is that she thinks the men are the problem. Keep on turning down all these men who aren’t “good enough”. Keep waiting for Mr. Perfect. You deserve your future. Just don’t complain and place blame on men.

  • J

    You sound bitter dude

  • JaeBee

    I feel like I’ve read this article before…last year perhaps? I throw no shade in saying that, it’s just that I remember reading the article for the first time and wishing that I too could one day experience a “thoughtless date”. Wishing you the best of luck in your search. Hoping that we both meet someone someday soon.

  • EST. 1986

    On one hand, women are told to choose ‘better men’, but then on the other, women are told to not pass up men who they would not normally date.

  • Tim

    @J

    Bitter about what? Do you know many women would love to date, just once, a lawyer, medical student, businessman, Romanian lecturer, Spanish professor, R&B star, ect, ect, ect….. They all couldn’t have been bums. It’s obvious this woman is self absorbed spoiled princess. Father time will likely, correct that. We see these type of women all the time. Multiple dates weekly, a new man every other month and then you see them in their 30′s and 40′s never married looking for a husband.

    I ain’t bitter about ish. Just don’t blame men for not having a husband and no prospects of one, later in life.

  • Tim

    @ EST. 1986

    Better? Did you read that list of men who she thought didn’t deserve to sit across the table from her?

  • Jess

    I can relate… I can definitely relate. Hope you find him.

  • Mahogany

    I’m in the same boat. It doesn’t matter how well established the man is, if he is not of great character and that there’s little compability it’s just not going to work. Dating can be though but you have to be patient in finding the right one. It will be worth it in the end.

  • Robin

    Well said. I agree with this article all the way.

  • http://airindanyell.tumblr.com Erin

    I wish you would have gone into more detail about what happened between you and your one and only “thoughtless” date/boyfriend, and what caused something that seemed so perfect to end… Other than that, it’s perfectly all right to not go out with someone that asks you out that you don’t feel anything for in the beginning. Why waste both of your time?

  • Jess

    @Tim, I don’t think that it was about feeling that the men did not “deserve” to sit across from her. As though she were some queen who could not deign to be bothered. Instead, I think the author’s point was that she felt no inherent connection with any of these men. No spark, no magic, no lasting interest. They may all be perfectly nice men–it was simply obvious that none was the right man for her. That connection, that something “special” is elusive and all too rare.

  • Rose

    I truly loved and felt every word of this article…i loved it so much it brouhgt me to tears. Thank you so much for being my voice…:-)

  • Purple Rain

    @Tim This isn’t about whether or not a man is “good enough” for her! She is looking for the mind-body-spirit connection and bond that made her fall head over heels for the last boyfriend she had. She has not found it in any of her most recent suitors, so she is re-evaluating her methods. Lose the bitterness. It’s not a good look….

  • Lola

    @Tim. It’s “etc” and not “ect.” Learn how to spell in your bitterness.

  • Orange Starr Happy Hunting

    Great piece and very familiar sounding for many I see including myself.
    i simply cannot with men I am not feeling, there is no point regardless of his title or income or because he is “nice” or decent.
    True compatibility, connections, shared values, mutual attraction and chemistry are all rare things.
    Folk get together for a myriad of reasons though including desperation and or because someone else thinks he is a good catch on paper etc etc etc

  • Orange Starr Happy Hunting

    @ Jess exactly, “nice” does not necessarily = right, as in the right individual for her.

  • Tim

    @Jesse/Purple Rain

    I’m called bitter but where are you bitter police when these 30′s and 40 somethings who had multiple men chasing them in their 20′s are now complaining, loudly, about no “good” men? You see by then all of that something special, mind, body, spirit and soul mate deal breaker check list doesn’t seem so important and has been paired down to just a “compatible good man”. lol

    Not bitter, just pointing out their convenient amnesia and hypocrisy of their flawed short term logic. Own it.

  • Tim

    I’m going to say one more thing. This is about “settling”.

    You all must understand that any great catch successful man in his 30′s dating a woman in her mid 30′s+ is “settling”. The fact is his preference, if he had a choice, would be a younger “you”! …mid 20′s +/- a couple of years. I’m done

  • http://gravatar.com/nolakiss16 binks

    So true! Still love this article.

  • Anthony

    WHen a man reads a piece like this, he needs to remember that this is a blog for women! The author’s tone comes off as a bit arrogant, but I am pretty sure she would not write the same way if she were seeking a general audience. Fundamentally, I get her point. Se has been meeting any prospects that interest her, and she would rather chill than stress over guys who seem nice, but don’t move her. I think she is doing the right thing. She will probably see someone who moves her when she least expects it.

  • Mademoiselle

    This was well written, and I like the idea of a thoughtless date, but really it just sounds like she’s not over some guy she may have loved and lost (and I’m thinking she had more to do with the breakup than he since she’s the one lamenting and comparing men to her ex). Dating never feels right when you’re holding on to the past.

  • Mae

    You have…this was written in 2010. It is not original content.

  • YouHave2Wonder

    Loved this article. The emotion and thoughts your shared are all too familiar.

  • thinkpink

    @TIm She’s a Harvard Graduate and Fulbright Scholar. Not a self absorbed princess. I think she’ll be ok.

  • http://www.facebook.com/elmyra.powell Elmyra Powell

    Your first two sentences told me all I needed to know. ” Tonight, I’m wondering.
    I’m wondering when and if I’ll ever find him.” As strange as it may seem to women, men find interest and challenge in women who are about something besides looking for, or even worse, waiting for, some dude. That night you wrote about in your opening sentences was a waste of time. To coin a phrase, “Get a life.” Construct a life FOR YOURSELF out of YOUR OWN passionate interests. It doesn’t matter whether it’s art. music, sports, charity work, community volunteering, politics, writing, fashion, science, spirituality or WHATEVER. THEN, and ONLY THEN, will the dude show up. And he will show up because he has met a passionate, exciting woman who knows who she is and is happy to embrace HERSELF FULLY. So instead of spending another moment wondering when and if you’ll ever find HIM, spend that time finding and learning to love yourself.

  • Tallulah Belle

    It is humanly possible to never ever find the right man and to “die alone.” I know plenty of women who never found true love and have stopped looking. It is not our God given right to find love and be happy from a man in our lives. Many of us will grow old completely unfulfilled by “the right man,” without true love and alone. It can happen and it does. All. The. Time. Do note, however, that worse things can happen.

  • MsT-Mac

    I am new to Clutch, coming over from MadameNoire. I read the comment section on the story about “male trolls” on female sites. I saw the complaints the women had and I see their complaints are grounded in truth. Tim shows up today on this story and reveals that he doesn’t have a clue about women and how we think. This lady clearly said she began to wonder if it was she that was “not enough.” This lady clearly said that she just didn’t feel the connection and chemistry that she’s searching for. Yet, Tim comes away from the story with the opinion that this lady is some kind of egomaniac who feels that no man is good enough for her. Tim actually got the conversation off topic, turning it into a men vs. women discussion. We can’t even share our feelings and lament our frustrations in PEACE. If a man has to comment, he should be engaging women here, asking for their ideas and having an actual discussion. Instead, Tim comes in and drops poison into what could be a “sister to sister” discussion.

  • http://www.janelreliford.com Creator of NappyMuseTV

    How many times can I say Amen, Amen and Amen? I wonder too, when I will meet my match. But I also understand good things come to those that expect good things.

    Everyday, I strive to grow and be at my full potential in my hustle and in my love walk. I accept nothing less from any man. I have had much practice (this first year in NYC) throwing my fro back and saying “good-bye” to men that don’t match me in spirit, thought and my ability to love.

  • http://kir2010.wordpress.com KIR

    Correction
    Not mid 30′s.
    If she’s in her 30′s. He’s settling……

  • Kay

    The thoughtless date happens when you’re too busy to live life to notice. Once you’ve traveled, gone to lectures, done interesting things, you’ll bump into a guy and say “Oh, I’m sorry.” And one thing will lead to another. I met my husband this way. I wasn’t even thinking about men. It just happened. Live life to the fullest and it will just happen for you too.

  • Gell0h0h

    Yess to this statement! “Dating never feels right when you’re holding on to the past.” YES YES YES! LOL.

  • Kay

    Tim, a woman is not dating a man’s profession. She’s dating HIM. So what she’s dated a lawyer, rap star, etc. Truth be told, I’ve dated quite a few of the type of guys she lists. Just because a guy is a lawyer, doesn’t mean he’s the one. Sometimes you just don’t connect. I don’t think she was saying they were problems with those guys, just that she didn’t feel that connection, and because of that, fears that she will never have it with anyone. Believe me, when you feel that connection with someone, you’ll know it. It’s a feeling that I had. It was like an electric current every time I looked at my husband, and he’s not perfect but he’s the ONE. THAT’S what she’s looking for I think.

  • Kay

    Um….dude….no. Just…no. My uncle just got married to a wonderful woman. He’s 60 and she’s in fact 65! I have another friend who is in his 30′s who got married to a woman who is in her 30′s too. For some men it’s about compatibility. You can go on a date and can sleep with a girl in her 20′s all you want, but that doesn’t mean you’d want to talk to her in the morning.

  • Anthony

    Sisters, I promise to keep my posts to a minimum, but I want to talk to my brother, Tim. Tim, if the author wakes up ten or fifteen years from now with a different perspective, and she wants to talk to some of the men who do not interest her now, so what? If any of those men or men like them, are off the market or no longer interested in her for whatever reason, so what?

    People live their lives and change over time. I am sure that your tastes and interests are not the same as they were ten years ago, why should this young woman be any different?
    At this point in her life, she is not “feeling” the men she is meeting. If she takes herself off the market and focuses on other things, I think she is being smart. The worst thing she could possibly do to herself or one of the “nice” guys she has been meeting would be to get involved with them in a half hearted way simply because she fears that her options may be fewer when she gets a bit older.

    I think we men need to chill a bit and look hard at ourselves before we go off on women. No woman owes us the time of day. We don’t owe any woman the time of day either. Everyone who has been ignored by someone has probably ignored someone who them also. Thebest thing any of us can do is to wish each other happiness and focus on the positive.

  • Anthony

    Tallulah Belle, some of the loneliest people are married to partners they never really wanted or loved. Marrying or committing because it was the “right” thing to do is life choice that many live to regret.

  • Pseudonym

    I hate that people think “Love yourself and he will come” is a great one-size-fits-all piece of advice. There are fully together women (like me) who already have a life (and a wonderful life at that), love themselves, have hobbies and life passions and all that you recommend as the “solution” to singledom and they are still single simply because they have yet to find the right partner. I like having a romantic companion to wake up and talk to. I like having a romantic partner to share my wonderful life with. And there’s also the sex that I like a lot, too. [bow-chicka-bow-wow]! I would like to be married and have a family and- for years now- I’ve had every aspect of my life satisfied except the romance department. So, it’s not so simple as “Just love yourself and get a life and when that happens you’re guaranteed that a boyfriend/husband will just show up at your door bc you’ve earned it.” That’s not the way it works.

    And it’s okay to be honest with your feelings and wonder if and when you will meet a special someone to share your life with. Especially when it seems that everything else is in perfect order. No need to assume the author must be lacking a life just because she would like to have a boyfriend in it.

  • Pseudonym

    Honestly, I just wish I could know whether or not I will get married or have children. I actually think its the uncertainty more than anything that annoys me. If I knew the answer was “yes” or “no” I could construct my life accordingly. I can buy a home or not, move overseas or not, adopt children or not. Seems I can control every other aspect of my life except this one piece.

  • 2013

    @ Pseudonym

    I understand your frustration when it comes to this era of your life. Finding your “soulmate” or someone that you’re madly in love with is hard to find in this world because so many people’s intentions aren’t good when it comes to relationships. But I think you’ll find the “one” for you.

  • http://gravatar.com/nolakiss16 binks

    Sighs…your preaching to the choir! Sometimes I feel like the type of love/romance I want just doesn’t exist anymore so why bother to keep searching and getting disappointed. I would like to think I am realistic with my romantic needs but my friends always say…you were born in the wrong era…lol

  • Echo

    Brilliantly written, and absolutely what I am feeling right now! I love the idea of the “thoughtless date”, and hope to stumble upon a few.

  • Bosslady

    Yes, I remember reading this article also.
    It’s a great piece.

  • PJ

    Unfortunately, the dating atmosphere of today is much different than it was about 10-15 years ago. Let’s face it, men are just different and that is why it’s increasingly difficult for women to find a decent compatible partner. Many of them think the world (including women) should just fall at their feet at this point.

    I had a convo with an honest guy about this and he agreed. He also threw in the theory that the rise in popularity of the internet, social media and dating sites has also given even your most average of guys the idea that they have a world of choices, so they never want to pick one woman and do right by her. It doesn’t help that some women gladly throw themselves at men online, pushing their boobs up on their neck as an advertisement, and don’t demand much from them. Just a few things to think about. I am personally unwilling to settle for the antics of many of today’s men so preparing for the possibility of having to find fulfillment in other areas of life. Maybe travel more and experience new things. It’s a little sad, but it’s not the end of the world. You ever heard of the Delaney sisters? They both lived very long fulfilled happy lives without ever marrying.

  • JaeBee

    See “Pseudonym’s” comment above. There’s no guarantee that doing all those things will make the guy of your dreams magically appear. I’m happy to hear that you were so fortunate to eventually bump into your dream guy, but that doesn’t mean this scenario will happen to everyone who’s in the same situation.

  • JaeBee

    ITA EST.1986. In addition to that, women are told to live their lives, not focus on finding a spouse, and then someone will come along when they least expect it. On the other hand, single women who are “living their lives” and who are not “focused on finding a spouse” are told that they are still single because they’re not “putting themselves out there” and proactively looking. So essentially we’re dayumed if we do and dayumed if we don’t.

  • Santi

    Dates are supposed to be fun. Stop lamenting and looking for a connection, and just enjoy the present. It’s not that deep.

  • Caramel

    Stop dating just to date. Be more outgoing and talk to people randomly, you never know who you are chatting up. turns out it could be Mr. Right. Don”t date someone who you are not excited about, or who you can’t see yourself getting intimate with. And most of all stay positive!!!!!!!

  • Samudra Baik

    Oh my gosh! I literally just went on one of those last night. And I definitely felt horrible about myself after, since it didn’t go the way i’d hoped it would’ve. Reading this article helped so much, knowing I wasn’t alone. I did learn about myself though. I learned that after being hurt before, my flirty, sexy behavior during dates turned off and my homegirl, friend zone self came out. So even if a guy was interested, I confused him with the friend zone vibe.

  • http://gravatar.com/lorrainyday Daisy

    I think you have made the right choice to discontinue going on dates that feel pointless. You will save yourself the time, energy, and drama. Instead, invest that time and energy in yourself. Free yourself from anything that is not going to contribute to the abundance that you already are. You are wasting both his and your own time if there is no positive benefit to you being in a relationship. If finding the right person were easy and frequent, it wouldn’t be all that special. And I don’t believe for a second that you are giving pieces of your heart away for good! Your heart is yours to share, and it is within your control to take possession of all of it.

  • Pearlsrevealed

    Oh, honey, sista, child I know EXACTLY what you speak of. I was so into truth and authenticity that kept my own self company for years. A couple of years ago I started “friend zone” dating as previous commenter describes it. I struggle to make a paradigm shift on how to relate to others that wont leave me feeling so empty and disappointed. I guess some of us are designed to swim in the deep end of the pool. To be happy and content with shallow and fun just doesn’t satisfy.

  • http://gravatar.com/tp72 LA Red

    I did that on the last few dates I went on.

  • mr.vicious

    @Lola

    Stop having semantic disputes over misspelling. Argue his claims not his typos….shm

    @Tim arguing with some of these women is like giving medicine to a dead person.

  • amber

    Great article and I totally understand what your saying in regards to giving pieces of your heart away. I’ve been in the same situation and have since to remain from dating until my “husband” has found me. I’ve also learned alot about dating from Heather Lindsey’s blog, especially her article “Where Is My Ring?”

  • angelmills

    you’re not bitter you just don’t want to waste your time any longer

  • Stanley

    This is her problem!

  • Stanley

    When somebody can’t find someone compatible with ‘hem, this person has only self to blame for that. Not the opposing sex. It sounds like the writer want to put the blame on the men for not being able to find what she wants.

  • Stanley

    You said it the best…

  • Stanley

    That is exactly what is going on here.
    She’s looking for her ex in someone else’s body. She may never find that. And I’m afraid she may never find anyone unless she let go of her ex (which I think is the one that got away).

  • Bella

    What? So on day 1 you’re already emotionally invested in someone you’ve known for 20minutes? Why are you doing that? I’m confused. How does one give small bits of their heart on date 1? You’re thinking TOO MUCH into it and maybe the guys you’re saying yes to just suck. Or how about you suggest something not so cliche where you really get to know each other and have fun.

  • Tim

    What’s up with all these men on this site who think they need to speak for educated women? This women”at the time she write this” is exactly who I said she is. A princess, hood translation, a ghetto prom queen.

    Seems to me the only group claiming they’re owed are over 30 never married black women. She can have a check list as long as she likes. My point is just don’t turn around and blame black men if she ends up w/out one. Have a seat….old man.

  • Tim

    To all outraged at my comments……yawn. The narrative of black women “don’t settle” & “wait until you’re in you’re 30′s to look for a husband” just doesn’t add up to actual reality. I’m just pointing out the flawed logic of these narratives. The reality is that there are millions of never married black women over 30 who desperately want but can’t find a “good” husband.

    I’m not saying women over 30 aren’t desirable. What I am saying is when you wait and get in your 30′s your preference, your “Mr. Perfect” in his 30′s successful, fun, attractive, etc… His idea of Miss Perfect, a lot of times, is a younger you. He might marry you but he’s settling on the age point. That’s one of the reasons men don’t respond the way guys responded when you were younger. This is not a black thing. A lot of white women over 30 are having the same issues. So yeah, no one wants a bore, but your man check list needs to be realistic if marriage for you is an absolute. You have a right to have a check list for men as long a you like but if you end up w/o one you don’t have a right to blame men.

  • http://gravatar.com/ftyhftyh Noonan

    truth be told lonliness in marriage is worse than lonliness while single

  • Anthony

    Tim, if you are talking about me, I am not trying to speak for women. I was talking to you, man to man about how I see the article.

  • http://gravatar.com/ftyhftyh Noonan

    for some reason people think because it worked for them it will work for everyone- life is not one size fits all

  • Pseudonym

    Or take the “black” out of the prerequisite section of your “man checklist.” And maybe even “American.” Non black or white Americans seem to value marriage and family more (and be more realistic about their marriage expectations), so your chances of being blocked by noncommittal bs is a lot lower.

  • Bella

    Oh yea why didn’t she mention how they broke up?

  • Faye

    it is so annoying coming to this site, for black women, a small piece of cyber space just for us and having it littered with trolls and their garbage. oh my god just **** off.

  • Tara

    If he is in his 30′s and dating her when he can date anyone else then he obviously wants her because he does not have to settle. This guy is just trying to break her confidence. It sounds like if she dated you, she would be settling.

  • http://twitter.com/Neuronerd17 Drogen (@Neuronerd17)

    This….is all just false. Well I agree one shouldn’t blame the opposite sex for anything, but really? If I was in my 30′s and found the sistah that matched me I am not going to be looking for a younger version of her……Oh god I just fed the trolls didn’t I. I refuse to do it in game forums and yet here I am doing it here.

  • http://gravatar.com/ceecollegegal CeeCee

    How do you know that there are millions of black women that “desperately” want to get married? Do you possess some extraterrestrial telepathic ability? -_-

  • http://www.myfemalepersusion.wordpress.com myfemalepersuasion

    Great comment. Having been in a long-term relationship that didn’t work out, I know for a fact that I would rather be single than miserable and lonely in a relationship. The issue wasn’t a lack of love, but one of incompatibility. He’s 11 years older than I am and as time went on, he just wanted more and more to spend night in and night out watching TV – and other issues.

  • Courtney**

    I agree with your observation regarding why men are not settling down at the rate they used to, but what I don’t understand is the sheer short-sightedness of it all. While the main reason why I want to get married is to have a companion through the often difficult path we call life (and someone with which to share the trials and tribulations, the burdens and the successes, etc.)… another almost equally important aspect is financial. Two incomes paying for a house and bills are better than one. Two incomes saving for retirement are better than one. Not to mention – I do believe the older you get, the harder it is to find love. Not impossible, but all these guys not committing in their 20s and into their 30s… sure, maybe they’ll find a few hook up partners or girlfriends in their 40s. But as you get into the 50s and beyond… retirement age, health issues emerge/viability declines… who wants to be alone at that point?

    Growing old with someone should have the same appeal to both women AND men in the context of the long-term. I DO want a partner to share my life with. I also want someone, a best friend and a lover to BUILD a life together with. So that when we are nearing the end, we can look back on what we’ve accomplished through hard work and sacrifice together, and enjoy the rest of our lives relatively stress-free – paid for house, cars. Money to travel. Etc. If we women are the allegedly more “emotional” gender, then surely the “rational/logical” appeal of long-term commitment should have some support from the men’s side… but it doesn’t.

  • hmmmmm

    Worse, with each underwhelming suitor, I begin to question my own worth. I wonder if he is all I’m worth, or all that I will ever have access to. ”What am I doing,” I ask myself, “to make this underwhelming creature sitting across from me think that we, in some misaligned universe, would ever be compatible? Are there fine men out there who are passing me up? Are they just ‘not that into’ me? Am I not hot enough? Not kind enough? Not smart enough?”

    The narcissists mirror holds no truths and provides no worthy answers.
    Maybe….it’s you.

  • http://gravatar.com/pinkdiamondfashion Lita

    I have to be honest. I am on the fence about this article. I understand how exhausting dating is; I’ve been single for almost four years. Prior to that, I was in a long relationship. Now, I am constantly going on dates, and, I too, wonder when God is going to send me my prince. I don’t know the answer to that question, but this is what I do know:
    1. You have to be open to opportunities and open to what comes your way. I wouldn’t be so quick to NEVER go on any dates that you think what go anywhere. Of course, this doesn’t mean date everyone. (Trust me, I’ve done the same thing) Some people, after getting to know them, may surprise you. I’ve been out on a couple of dates where in the beginning, I knew it wasn’t going anywhere and it turned out to be a great relationship. They didn’t end up becoming my husband, but they were great experiences and I learned quite a bit about myself.
    2. “Instead, I’m waiting. And no one knows better than me how unsettling it is to wait. You just wait until someone, well . . . “finds you.” What exactly does “waiting” and “find you” entail? Does that mean you will wait for a man to approach you, or that you will sit at home not putting yourself in a position to be approached? In my experience, that hasn’t been very effective. If none of the men that you’re interested in approach you, approach them. Forget Steve Harvey’s book. You sound ambitious, be ambitious with LOVE too.
    3. Analyze your expectations. Why is it that most of the men that you date are considered “Underwhelming Suitors?” Are they underwhelming or are your expectations overwhelming?
    4. Enjoy it. Single life is frustrating. I’m with you. And constantly hearing things in the media about how us black women are doomed, it’s even harder. But you know what; single life has its pros too. So, to you I say; let’s not even think about waiting for the right guy. Let’s think of it as a period of transition. And while we are in this transition, we are going to enjoy it. We are going to travel across the world, spend time with our friends, do community service and enjoy this part of life. Because guess what, once we get married and have children, this beautiful part of our life is OVER. And believe me, we will get married  Cheers!

  • Mademoiselle

    @Lita Wow. You’re comment was very inspiring and motivating.

  • Old TImer

    I think they actually hate male opinions regardless of what they are saying. Is this site women’s only or something? because we certainly don’t have open hostility towards women on majority male sites, women are often a breath of fresh air amidst all the testosterone. I see open hostility to anyone (male) disagreeing with the authors, even the most concise, legitimate arguments. Seriously we are all trolls according to a front page article here? If so we still find humor in the lashing out, hypocrisy, ad hominem and strawman attacks. Oh the Irrational Black Women meme ideas you can get from this site. *shivers with glee* Like someone mentioned above we’ll be alright, its you guys penning countless articles about “where the good men at” and then attacking them we they offer some advice as to how to attract them.

  • Old TImer

    does that explain why the author and subsequent posters thumb down any and everything a male says here? and write them all off as trolls. Find me a male dominated site that is guilty of said activities and I will gladly give you all the benefit of the doubt. Contrary to feminist-esque ideology we aren’t your enemy and generally want to get to the bottom of what ever divides us… but its like bringing roses to what we thought was a friendly tea party but turned out to be an all out scorched Earth attack on beings with narrower pelvis’.

  • Neda

    Please can everyone ignore Tim
    He didn’t understand the article at all

  • sheworkshardforthemoney

    @pseudonym what an amazing comment. This is my life word to word.
    Stranger who knows noting about me,
    Girl, Are you single?
    Yes
    Girl u need to get out there live your life
    WFT you don’t even know me

  • LaLa

    WTF THIS COMMENT IS STUPID
    TRAVEL, LECTURES,INTERESTING THINGS
    WHAT A MASSIVE GENERALIZATION
    Has it ever crossed your mind that some people do all this shit and are still single lol please
    I fell in love at the bus stop
    You happen to see a guy, you like him, he likes you. Done
    You don’t need to fly around the world and dedicating your whole life looking for man
    Ain’t no one got time for that

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