Do You Fear Being Single?

by Demetria L. Lucas

Do You Fear Being Single?

So, last week I’m watching Scandal with the rest of the free world. I’ll skip a recap because you probably saw it and know exactly what I’m talking about when I ask you to recall the scene when Liv and Fitz argue the night before the big debate and she points out the difference in running like someone’s chasing him versus running like he’s going after something he wants?’ (If you didn’t see it, sigh, click here.)

Ok. So something about that line that made me think of my favorite episode of Sex and the City which is “Splat!” It’s best known as the one when “Sally” from Third Rock (Kristen Johnson), playing an aging party girl, declares “I’m so bored I could die!” then promptly falls out the window. It’s also the episode when dear Carrie Bradshaw makes the decision to go to Paris with the Russian. Why she makes the (wrong) decision is why it’s my favorite.

The Russian, creator of pretentious “large-scale light installations” (wtf are those?) doesn’t get Carrie, her friends, her city or any of the basic things that make her tick. She’s in love with a fantasy life, one that she wanted with Mr. Big but couldn’t get, so she’s doing her best impression of a do-over. She knows the idea of running off is far-fetched and probably not the best idea, but she goes along with it in the end because:

1) Carrie runs into a “Sally” from Third Rock who is an aging party girl and fears that will be her trajectory if she stays in New York where she will be single again;

2) All her friends, including Samantha, are in relationships;

3) Carrie’s mentor-in-her-head, Murphy Brown (Candice Bergen) turns out to have the perfect career and a non-existent love life, one in which she asks Carrie to hook her up and the best Carrie can do is the guy from the Princess Bride (Wallace Shawn), a balding cheese connoisseur. Oh and in act of desperation, Murphy Brown hits on Carrie’s man and accuses Carrie of “swimming in my pool”

That makes me think of an article I read in the Daily Mail while I was on a 24 hour trek back to the United States. The story was dramatically titled, “I left the love of my life because I thought I could do better. Now I’m childless and alone at 42.” If you can’t figure out from the (long) title, it’s about a woman who loved a man in her 20s but was basically frustrated by his lack of ambition, so she left him. She’s spent the time since in not-so-great relationships and more or less thinks she missed out on The One (and apparently Only One.)

I read her sad, sad tale, even separated the page and stuffed into my carry on for future reference, and in the cramped airplane seat next to an Indian guy with a British accent and the stale body odor of someone who has also been traveling too long, I wondered why articles like this get published. Is it to share an “It happened to me!” that other women readers will find relatable? Is it “just” a good story? Is it fear-mongering? Or is it a genuine cautionary tale for young women who think too highly of themselves or believe they can change time-honored rules and avoid the maybe tragic ending that comes to women who don’t just settle down, but settle too? All of the above?

Then I wondered, how many women, young women especially, who constantly hear how inadequate it is to be single, will internalize some outside factor like this — the same way Carrie was influenced to go to Paris with the Russian — and make a choice to proceed in an unfulfilling relationship not because they genuinely want to be there but out of fear of becoming their worst fear — an aging (and single) party girl, the single girl when everyone is committed, having it all except a partner/husband? Is it really better to have any guy to outrun single or hold out, gamble really, and go for what you think you want?

Demetria L. Lucas is the author of “A Belle in Brooklyn: The Go-to Girl for Advice on Living Your Best Single Life” (Atria) in stores now. Follow her on Twitter @abelleinbk

  • http://gravatar.com/missinformation7 Ms. Information

    I don’t fear the current state of being single but I do fear ending up single…I know that I have to get to the place where fear isn’t an aspect but I am not there yet.

  • Orange Starr Happy Hunting

    I don’t even fear ending up single because there are far worst things imo.

  • Kristi

    I think I more so fear ending up single and never finding The One. Not because I’m living the single “party girl” life, but because my life is just the opposite for the most part. I don’t meet many guys and I’m kind of introverted. I don’t want to live the rest of my life like that. But I am not in a state of fear right at the moment, but I am quite uneasy at the thought of never getting married and ending up a senior with 4 lap dogs that I call my children (would never be the cat lady b/c me and cats just don’t get along).

  • D

    The fear isn’t being single by choice. The fear is fooling yourself into thinking you’re single by choice and learning (too late) it’s really because of your own mistakes and that no one wanted you…. and all the sadness, self doubt, regrets and woulda coulda shouldas that realization will bring.

  • Cocochanel31

    This fear is very real with 99% of women I know, including myself, especially after your turn 30. We want to procreate and be happy with ouer “perfect” partner. I have only one friend whom I admire greatly for being fearless in her singledom for three years, she literally DID NOT WANT to be bothered and was so happy living her single life and just focusing on her friends and work. She has since met someone and is happy, but before he came on the scene, she was truly happy being single. I wish we all could get there.
    Noone wants to look back at 45 years old and see all the mistakes in men we made in our prime. I am however a true believer that you cna find love at any age. I knwo too many “mature” adults that met and married someone at ages society says you are no longer wanted.

  • EST. 1986

    No.

  • Stanley

    I like this article just because of the comments that are sure to come.

  • Soso1

    I agree. I look at my mom and her 50 something friends who are all either single now because of divorce or because some never married, and I fear that end-result. I don’t want to be old and alone. I’d rather have someone to share my last years with because I know for my mom, she’s afraid of being by herself as my brother and I are moving out, getting engaged/married, and ultimately starting our own lives. But being single currently in my 20s wouldn’t scare me…..

  • Ask_Me

    I’m married so I may not have a dog in this fight (though I know anything could happen to change my status). I don’t think fear of being single would be an issue for me. I’ve always been able to keep my own company without a problem. I fear ending up childless far more than being single. However, I think MOST people (men and women alike) reach a point where we want to grow old with someone. We don’t want to grow old alone. I understand.

    I feel sorry for women like the one described in this article. Partly because she is middle age without love in sight and partly because THE ONE…THE ONLY ONE was a bum with no ambition (honestly I would not cry over such a man…sorry…that’s just me. Had she taken up with this man we would be reading a different article that STILL reads of bitter disappointment).

  • http://www.thelewiseffect.blogspot.com Yogi

    I can honestly say for the most part I do not fear being single, although on my 41st birthday last week I had a mini breakdown of sorts which lasted for a few hours. My mom made a comment in the car that I took the wrong way…..and you know the rest. I am okay with singleness but I would be lying if I said I want to be single forever.

  • Yvette

    Why do Moms always have the ability to make you cry like no one else can lol?

  • omfg

    yawn. more of this?

    newsflash. women outlive men. go to a nursing home or sr apt building. overwhelming majority is women. being single late in life is likely for lots of women because of biology.

  • victoria

    When I was in my 20s I never feared being single, but I, too, did fear ending up single. That is why I looked at the single women around me and did the complete opposite. Seriously, that’s what I did. I always tell people that I made calculated moves to get married.

  • D

    “That is why I looked at the single women around me and did the complete opposite.”

    This.

  • Natalie B.

    I live by something my late mother said to me when I was young.

    “You can be married and be alone.”

    I don’t want to end up alone, but I would rather be alone than in a half-hearted commitment with someone that I have to rationalize being in a relationship with. It wouldn’t be fair to me, and it wouldn’t be fair to him. How you look at love and relationships change as you get older; what was non-negotiable at 25 is worth a second look at 35. I think the key is being realistic without compromising the standards and qualities that you feel are essential. I made a decision at a few years ago to make room for the man that I wanted in my life by removing the men in my life that were only looking for a casual relationship. Two months after I did the Universe sent me the man that I had been waiting for. Had I been desperate and jumped the gun I would have missed out on a wonderful man. I’m not young, but I’m willing to gamble and hold out for the person meant for me, rather than trying to make a life with someone who isn’t.

  • Skye

    I never felt scared to be single. I was the opposite I avoided getting close. All through high school, I stayed single on purpose. Then in college I actually wanted to date and met my love there on accident of being late to class. I just learned you don’t know what life will be. I never thought I would be in a relationship so young. I feel like there is two different ways of single to me women who have been divorced or never having someone which is usually not the case. Unless you are a 70 year old woman who never has been married you are fine. There are so many women getting married and finding love in their 40+ when I went to the courthouse all the couples were 50+ getting married.

  • JJ

    I fear being single and childless. Especially since I don’t have much family. I’m 30 years old now but even if I get married tomorrow or in the next few that’s still no guarantee that I won’t end up single. Folks get divorced all the time. We just have to live life to the best of our abilities and not think to much about being single.

  • cece marie

    i fear being single and ended up single because i’ve never been in a relationship. i’m 24 years old. i’ve never been on a date. i’ve never been kissed. i’m still a virgin. not by choice. i’ve been rejected by every guy i’ve talked to. guys dont aproach me. i honestly dont know why. i’ve changed a few things about my self that i though were wrong. it didnt help. it sucks. my brothers are younger than me and they’ve been or are in relationships. they’ve expereinced stuff i havnt. *sigh* what can i do about it? i cant make a guy like me.

  • Job

    The man wasn’t rich but he was not a bum. He had a job. Obviously her very perceptive father in the story did not think her fiance was a bum. Everyone doesn’t desire to be rich or make a name for themselves. Some people are content to have a roof over their head with clothing and food. “Give me neither poverty nor riches.”

  • Skye

    @Victoria lol at you calculated moves to get married.

  • Ask_Me

    Sorry, but money is one of the leading causes of divorce.

    If money was one of her main concerns before marriage it would remain a concern after marriage.

    Your loving won’t pay the bills!

  • http://gravatar.com/qlittlestar13 The Mighty Quinn

    There is that blame, that noone wants you because there is something wrong with you. At 50 and single, what wanted me was not what I wanted. I would much rather be in no relationship than a bad one. I guess I have made mistakes, I should have been looking for a man instead of working on my career and traveling the world……….nahhhhh! My only regret is that I did not have a child when I turned 40, but then again, it is never too late to adopt.

  • Smilez_920

    I’m 22 and single, which doesn’t really bother me at this time. I have something’s to work on career and personal, before I feel I am ready to share myself and life with someone.

    Of course no man or woman wants to be alone forever ( even if they don’t want marriage) everyone wants some type of romantic companionship.

    I think people have tried to fear women out of singleness. Sometimes in life you need to be by yourself. While there’s nothing wrong with being single , if companionship is what your looking for you need to reevaluate and learn from the past decision you’ve made good and bad.

    The best thing to do while single is not look at it as a life sentence , look as it as a time to refresh and restart.

  • http://gravatar.com/qlittlestar13 The Mighty Quinn

    I must say, I am flattered when I meet people and they are stunned that I am not married. Granted that is usually women and surprisingly married men. I was always told that love happens when you are not looking (which I have come to believe is BS) and I looked out on life and focused on becoming the woman that my 17 year old shy self dreamed of. I moved from podunk Jacksonville, Florida to NYC to pursue fashion and music. I focused on learning and absorbing all that NYC had to offer. I traveled the world, went back to school and focused on enjoying life because surely love would come. Sure I had flings and relationships in there but I was happy with my life and I wanted someone to share it with not some who would keep me from it.
    When I first joined Facebook, so many women from my past, the first thing they would say is “I’m married!”, I was like “and?”. They seem to gloat until I they saw pictures of my adventures. I cannot tell you how many times I have had married friends say “you are so lucky you never got married!” Even from friends with whom we had shared dreams of our ideal men. I see the judgment in many of these posts and so many people believe that something is wrong with you and no one wants you if you are single. Some how if I had been divorced a few times, it would be more respectable. But what I see in soooo many women, especially young women, so desperate to be coupled, they don’t find out who they are and know the life they want to live……and if you don’t know that, how can you know what kind of man you need? I think that is why the term “starter” marriage came about.

    Many young women say they don’t want to be old alone. Well I won’t even mention that when doing clinicals at a nursing home, they are filled with OLD SINGLE WOMEN! I won’t focus on that but rather one of my favorite quotes, that suits me perfectly…

    “Maybe some women aren’t meant to be tamed. Maybe they just need to run free til they find someone just as wild to run with them.” – Carrie Bradshaw

  • Fantastico

    i like your attitude.

  • Fantastico

    Yes!

  • Job

    @Ask_Me

    She left him as soon as they got out of the hole and their bills were being paid. He had a steady job. She looked down on him because she made more money. It’s funny how women make more money that ever, but overall aren’t happier according to studies.

  • Ask_Me

    @Job

    Women naturally want to marry UP not DOWN. I don’t fault the author for that.

    Again, had she married this man knowing good and well money was an issue they probably would have been on the fast track to DIVORCE. So, unhappiness was unavoidable in my opinion.

  • Tallulah Belle

    Anyone can get married. It is staying (happily) married that is the hard part. Marriage is easy. It is the journey that ensues that is life’s greatest challenge.

  • gmarie

    I actually am single, and if I were in a relationship I WOULD be afraid of being single again. I know in this new age “girl power” “hear me roar” era it isn’t the PC thing to say or do to admit that being single sucks,or to admit to not wanting to be lonely, but when you are one of the only singles in your circle, and you are of a certain age..it DOES suck. the aging party girl in SATC wasnt partying because she wanted to, it was because she had nothing better to do lol. it is what it is

  • omfg

    @natalie b.

    have you ever heard of that song by jill scott – whenever you’re around.

    the chorus goes – cause i’m lonely, whenever you’re around.

    i prefer to go solo than be in a bad situation where i grow to hate him and myself (for being with him).

  • AnnT

    I’m not worried about being single, I’m worried about dying alone.

  • LeAnna

    I am not afraid of being single. I call these years, my selfish years. I think that everyone else around me is afraid of me being single. I am 24 yrs old and majority of my friends are in serious relationships or about to get married. Their biggest problems with their significant other is that they(the guys) want to spend too much time with them. They try to hook me up with some young men, who are very nice on paper, but not what I am looking for. I am not saying that I do not have the occasionally lonely nights that I would love to spend time with someone, but I try to think of the long-term consequences.

    I have dated plenty of guys (mostly college-educated, living in Atlanta, some ministers, some playboys, some Greeks, some corporate brothers, some pipedreamers), but I would rather be by myself than to settle for less and put up with someone else’s foolishness.

  • Job

    @Ask_Me

    And most men naturally want to marry hot supermodels that cook them dinner while naked and wearing heels. Will you fault a man who dumps a great fiance because he wants that? Of course you would! Unhappiness is unavoidable for any man with such shallow and unrealistic expectations. The point of the writers article is that people should be realistic and focus on finding someone who loves them and treats them right. “I would say don’t mistake contentment for unhappiness, as I did.” Those are the final words of the article. That is the whole point.

  • Pat

    In my late 20s and early 30s, I was very afraid I was going to end up single forever before I met my husband. My bestfriend had gotten married at 27 and then my other closest friend became engaged. Since all three of us were extremely close since 2nd grade, I was automatically expected to marry next. Once I had made it through the weird facial expressions and off the wall comments of what’s wrong with you and you’re too picky for a couple of years. It didn’t bother me as much. I think I wanted to get married because they were. I started focusing on myself and that gave others something else to talk about instead of why I wasn’t married or single. It shouldn’t have bothered me then what people had to say, but it did.

    I still have a fear of growing old alone. Reality is I may or may not. You really can’t control if someone will stay in your life even though you believe they will.

  • http://gravatar.com/qlittlestar13 The Mighty Quinn

    Cece, first off, don’t let anyone tell you something is wrong with you. If there is something that could be “different”, you will discover with time. Be open to dating different nationalities and get out. Things changed for me when started dating outside my race and started online dating. Just be open, you are young and have plenty of time.

  • Kristi

    Yes! Especially from comments that have to do with not being married and having no children…..love my mom though : )

  • Ask_Me

    Actually I don’t fault anyone for wanting what they want (and I’m consistent about it). Just be honest about what you want.

    The guy that dumps his great finance is superficial, but if that’s what he wants more power to him. The woman that dumps the unsuccessful no ambition having guy is practical.

    Looks fade…the reality that women WANT/DESIRE stability doesn’t fade. That stability is emotional AND financial. Even that “hot supermodel” wants a man that can protect and provide her with stability.

    Anyone that is married or has been married will tell you marriage is a give and take. If you KNOW prior to marriage that you have an issue with your significant other…and said issue could possibly lead to divorce…it is not wise to marry.

    Money may not seem like a big deal to single people, but trust and believe once you start thinking about kids, a house, cars, health insurance, life insurance, college funds, food, etc it makes a great deal of difference. It has the ability to turn your “contentment” to RESENTMENT.

  • E.M.S.

    I don’t think that story is meant to make women afraid of being single, I think it’s just food for thought. Don’t get so caught up in pursuing that “perfect guy” that you end up losing something really good over something you may never actually find (hello, perfect doesn’t exist!).

    But it’s good to spend some time single. You get to know yourself and love yourself, then that can extend to a relationship and another person in a positive way.

  • au napptural

    This speaks to something I thought about earlier. It is better to “settle” early? For example, I’m 23. Right now I might meet someone who is 70% of what I want. Is it better to go ahead and marry the person or hold out. If I hold out, it’s a gamble. I could meet Mr. 90% or even Mr. 99% or end end settling for Mr. 50% when I get older. *This is hypothetical. It is also not an invitation for those rabid-women haters of Clutch to come and say “yay! Work on your boody, weave, and cooking skills while you’re young, it’s the only way to get a man.”*

    This a geniune question to the ladies of Clutch. If you are young do you ever think about this? If you are older, what do you do? How did it work out? I just don’t know. I’m afraid to marry too soon to a guy I’m not 100% on b/c then what if I meet my soulmate afterwards. But I also believe marrigae is what you make of it, so why not get hitched early on and make a go of it? It’ll be hard work and compromise, soulmate or no.

  • au napptural

    Thank you! That reminds of one of my mom’s sayings: I would rather be alone and expect nothing than be married and get nothing. Basically, it means when you are single you are free of responsibility. You aren’t waiting on someone else to come home, you aren’t sharing bills, you don’t expect anyone but you to show up. Whereas, if you jump into a marriage with hope it will solve all your problems, you could end up with double to responsibility and none of the support.

    I always say I want to be married one day, but only to the right person. I could never get married just to be getting married. I’ve had a Sweet Sixteen and a prom. I don’t need another party and big dress. I could only make a lifetime commitment too someone who was going to enhance my life and vice versa.

  • Skye

    @job you seem to come to all these women relationship articles telling women what should they like. You are not going to change a thing let it go! We all have our preferences you have one and so do women.

  • Pseudonym

    No one gets 90+%. Even those who thought had it all when they got married, find out the first year or two of marriage that the fairy tale of marriage is total fiction. I think that’s the best place to start. Talk to people who have been married 20+ years to get a more realistic view of what you should expect, hope for, and let go of to make a marriage work. Overall, I say it’s best to expect your partner go give you 70% of what you want, with no compromises in the departments of loyalty, honesty, respect, etc. (The character qualities that REALLY matter.). The other 30%, you can compromise on or learn to fulfill in other ways.

  • Skye

    Well, if this is not the guy you can’t see yourself without don’t do it. No one fairs well in that situation don’t settle and dream of Mr. 90+. Start doing that gaggle lol of men to date right now! You have so much better access being 23 with men with no children and less baggage. You don’t have to wait start looking for prospects now. You don’t have to get married now there are many women under 25 in long tern relationships knowing they will eventually marry their beau when they get both get established.

  • Chance

    As someone in long term relationship (2.5 years) and contemplating marriage as the next step, I am concerned with making sure I pick the right mate. I want my marriage to be for forever and the thought of marriage scares the hell out of me. I think every person’s focus should be on how to be the best person they can be and live as full a life as possible, whether that includes marriage or not. You can have great love in your life and never get married. Marriage does not equate to happiness.

  • D

    Looks fade, but the man’s desire for looks doesn’t fade. Money comes and goes, but a woman’s desire for money (or as you say, stability, doesn’t go away). Desiring money over other qualities is just as superficial as desiring looks over other qualities. Both are perfectly valid…more power to folks that want what they want. But don’t try to make one seem like something noble and good.

    And a few things about money….a woman’s money is rarely a problem for a man. If she works, great. If she doesn’t fine. Why? Because a man’s mission is to provide for himself, irrespective of what his mate may bring to the table. If he doesn’t make enough to get something or live a certain lifestyle he doesn’t blame his woman for not earning enough. He settles for not having it or looks for ways to earn more money. But he takes it upon himself. Meanwhile, a woman would be quick to look sideways at her man for not being able to provide whatever he heart desires. That’s where resentment breeds…if her man doesn’t provide enough to upgrade her lifestyle. All those arguments over bills, house, cars, college, insurance, etc….instead of resentment, she can work harder to earn more money just like he could. Why doesn’t this new generation of liberated feminists see it as their responsibility to upgrade themselves and not depend on a man?

    And ladies, please stop saying “ambition” and “goals” as code words for lots of money. LOL…we’ve long since figured out that code.

  • D

    70% is not even settling. That’s a home run…..assuming the “bad” 30% doesn’t involve infidelity, drug use, or rationing sex once a month….LOL

  • victoria

    @Ask_Me

    ”Money may not seem like a big deal to single people, but trust and believe once you start thinking about kids, a house, cars, health insurance, life insurance, college funds, food, etc it makes a great deal of difference. It has the ability to turn your “contentment” to RESENTMENT.”

    100% agree.

  • Blue

    I have a bigger fear of wasting my time with the wrong person rather than being single for the time being. I think society puts a big emphasis on being single as if you’re a social outcast or something. Anyone with any self respect would not want to be linked up with someone just for the sake of not being alone. Who cares what others have to say about how you choose to live YOUR life. If you’re happy & you’re doing the best you can to be all you can be, than do you boo.

  • http://succulentwomenfindlove.com Trenia

    I don’t fear being single, but I fear the possible regret I might have at the end of my life if I never got married or had any children (I’m on the fence about wanting kids). I’m dating with the hopes of eventually getting married but I’m not anxious about it. However, as a woman in my early 30′s I’m quite aware of my fertility window. That doesn’t scare me but the thought is sobering that I will need to make some decisions in the not too distant future about what I want my life to look like. And even with a very aggressive dating strategy there is no guarantee that the right person will show up, that’s just life on life’s terms.

  • victoria

    true true lol

  • GeekMommaRants

    I cannot be afraid of being old and alone. The reason is most women out live men, so being alone is a given. My father passed 20 years before my mother. This is biology.

  • Job

    @Skye

    I’m just discussing an interesting thought provoking article. Many people don’t seem to get the author’s point. The author says:

    “I still loved him, but I began to feel embarrassed by his blue-collar jobs, annoyed that, despite his intelligence, he didn’t have a career…I stopped seeing Matthew as my equal. I stopped seeing all the qualities that had made me fall in love with him – his fierce intelligence, our shared sense of humour, his determination not to follow the crowd. Instead, I saw someone who was holding me back.

    So the problem was HER not him. Then she dates someone with “ambition” and guess what happens:

    “He was a successful singer and, as we toured the country, I thought I had finally found the excitement and love that I craved…Although outwardly romantic, Richard was repeatedly unfaithful, and I never felt secure enough to start a family with him. Eventually, after three-and-a-half years together, he walked out, having admitted his latest paramour was pregnant by him.”

    So does more ambitious equal better? That was what the author was trying to convey. Re-evaluate priorities in relationships. Unhappiness often comes from lack of contentment.

  • confessionsofaserialdaterinla

    This is such an interesting article. Because I see both sides of the spectrum. I did the leg work and realized it is better to be alone than be in an unfulfilled relationship. I got married a few years ago to a man who just didn’t get me. A man who wanted to fit me into his box of what he thought was a wife and who pretty much did not get who I really was. Now don’t cry for me Argentina, i went into the marriage knowing this and hoping it would change because I thought it would be easier that staying in the game. I was so tired of the dating scene. I also read articles similar to the one you are talking about and feared that what I was looking for was unrealistic and being in a bad marriage was way better than being single. I got married and 6 months later realized what a big mistake I made and went through a bitter divorce battle. Now I am single and back in the dating scene and I won’t lie it ain’t easy. But it is certainly better than being in an unfulfilled relationship. I believe there is someone out there for everyone if you are willing to hold out and not compromise. It can be terrifying to hold out for what you know you deserve. But it is worth it. These articles are so damaging to women! Why aren’t there more articles that talk about women who found their soul mate, women who do indeed have it all? Seriously I am so over those BS articles that are written to make women feel like crap.

  • Ask_Me

    @D

    “Desiring money over other qualities is just as superficial as desiring looks over other qualities.”

    Nobody here said desire money over other qualities. My stance is money is a VERY important aspect of marriage. It is NOT the only aspect but it is a VERY important aspect nonetheless.

    “Both are perfectly valid…more power to folks that want what they want. But don’t try to make one seem like something noble and good.”

    Thing is if black women are OVERLOOKING things like money, ambition and goals in a man we are charged with being “thug lovers” “bottom feeders” etc.

    When we overlook things like money and ambition in a man and end up on welfare we are told we should have picked better.

    When we focus on money and ambition we get labeled superficial and gold diggers. Black women cannot win!

    Please stop moving the goal post.

    If a woman truly feels a man cannot hold up his end of the bargain and bring a good decent quality of life to her AND their children it is NOBLE and GOOD to bypass him. The alternative (i.e., a life of hardship) shouldn’t be encouraged.

  • victoria

    A few years ago, this very topic was discussed in my family. Several women in my family never married and never had children. They are in their 50s and 60s and expect their neices (not their nephews) to take them in when they are older. In my family, the daughters typically take care of their aging mothers: no nursing homes. My mother nominated me to take care of her and my single Aunt who never had kids. I no longer live in the US and if possible I will do it, but it wouldve been nice if I was asked. This became a huge discussion b/c those who never married and who didnt have children stated they regretted not doing so. So I guess everyone has different views concerning this topic.

  • Job

    @Ask_Me

    Rationalization hamster is one of the best phrases ever coined. Your rationalization hamster is about to pass out as it spins so hard to explain how money is less superficial than beauty. Both can be gone in an instant and neither brings happiness. Those are facts.

    I’m not saying they don’t matter. Just don’t tell me one is more valid than the other.

  • Job

    Because nobody has it all. That’s just a dream. Perfect soul mates don’t really exist. The article could have been more up-building I agree. But no need to feed people fantasy. When you marry someone you marry a flawed human. That’s reality. Everyone “settles” because no one ever ends up marrying a perfect person. We just have to find what flaws we are willing to accept before we get married.

  • http://gravatar.com/nolakiss16 binks

    Nope, because I honestly never made marriage my sole end game like a lot of other women do, I always viewed it as a perk of life if I do find a guy that I love and get married too and have the kids, dog/cat and white picnic fence then great but if I didn’t that is fine too because I would still live my life to the fullest. But just reaching another birthday (27 now), it is not so much the fear of being single because being alone never bothered me but the FEAR OF BEING LONELY (there is a difference between along vs. lonely) that is bothersome. Sometimes you want honest to goodness romantic companionship and compatibility and to share your life with someone and GASPS that always isn’t accompanied by a ring and “I do”, it’s a bonus if it is but it doesn’t have to be. TRUST MOST woman can be in a relationship, get a man and get married if they really wanted too that is not the problem but finding that spark, connection and steady burning flame that last as time goes by with someone is the TRUE task. And I RATHER find that than a relationship for a sake of a relationship because I don’t want to be alone. Being single is not a death sentence to me but not making an intimate connection is…

  • Tammy

    I believe this is why a lot are people are in the wrong relationship. I’m 32 and I have been dating since I was 16. During this time, I probably have met two men in which I’ve had a strong intense connection with. I couldn’t relocate with the one I met years ago in college. My boyfriend and I have a strong connection and we are planning our wedding for next October. It had taken a loonnnng time to meet him. I’m no longer the club type so being single was really lonely for me. I do believe once you follow your passions in life, your mate will already be waiting for you. To share an intimate connection is so rare, but it does exist.

  • KR

    Does anyone believe the majority black women of today are happier with their home/family life than black women pre 1960′s? I don’t think they are. We (the black community) have got to stop embracing things that just don’t work for us. This narrative of women waiting, not settling is nothing more than the watered down PC Black Feminist version of “I don’t need a man” and the extreme left liberal ideology of devaluing the importance of marriage and men in the home. Which later in life becomes a self fulfilling prophecy and leads to Black Matriarchy. When has anyone ever accomplished something they say they don’t need? You see women do need a man and unfortunately by the time they figure it out it’s often too late for a variety of reasons kids, options available, age, appearance, baggage, set in their ways, ect. The Black Feminist myths of waiting and devaluing marriage has trickled down to many young black girls out of h.s. with zero interest in furthering their education many with no job or working menial jobs such as cashiers, customer service or admin assistants. Many of these young women are in poverty or living check to check, many also now w/kids, think that they can also wait until they’re 30′s (out of their prime) to find a “good” husband. Good luck with that! The logic is extremly Flawed.

    Blacks have been SUCCESSFULLY getting married young, growing and maturing together since the beginning of time. Now, all of a sudden according to Black Feminist….. it’s bad? Waiting sounds good on paper but in the real world waiting until your 30′s does not work and has never worked out well for black kids, the black community and the overwhelming majority of BLACK women who want to get married. It’s actually been a complete disaster. Fact! There are millions of black women over 30 who desperately want to get married and can’t find a “good” man. It’s shocking when too consider in decades Pre 1950′s black women had a higher marriage rate than white women. Today 31 percent of African American women by their early forties have never married as compared to only 9 percent of White, 11 percent of Asian , and 12 percent of Latino women in the same age group. Those are childbearing years.

    Yes there are a few baller black women traveling, working 60+ hours a week who had to make some personal sacrifices. But this is a very small negligible percentage. 80% of black women don’t have a degree and most of those are in liberal arts/liberal studies.

  • GlowBelle

    I actually do fear being single from time to time. For the most part I’m okay with it, as I’m in my mid-20′s and I know my position right now is not fit to welcome anyone in relationship wise as I’m in my “selfish” years. I’m working on myself, establishing my career right now before I can share myself with another, and I think I need that because I can then navigate my life better in the end with the “me” time I’m having right now. But I’m not going to sit hear and act like I fear my singledom being permanent with each passing birthday and the dry desert known as my dating life. I went through most of high school and college without ever being in a relationship and it was not by choice, it just unfortunately happened that way, and yeah, I secretly hate that it was that way because I felt like I “missed” something other girls experienced and that I’m lagging behind.

    Yet I’m beginning to learn is that to not put a timeline on things. Our society makes us feel that we should be married/have kids at a certain age, I look at my mother and grandmothers who were all married and with child during my age, but I look at their journeys and see that that was THEIR journey, not mine, mines is just beginning. I even had a cousin get married for the first time at 54…so sometimes it’s not you as a person, it’s just it’s not your time for that thing you want to happen.

    This article is not really bringing the scares to me, it’s just saying to be aware but to exhale and just live your life for YOU and then someone who fits for you will come along, and I still fully believe in that. Sure it’s hard when you see friends and other people getting married and having kids and want to join in, but I try to not let that scare me too much because I don’t know what their situation is, it may not be so sparkly and pretty as I’m assuming it to be.

  • Shar

    Yeah, if you are having this many questions then you aren’t ready.

  • http://theblackparacosmistmind.wordpress.com theblackparacosmistmind

    I think people get too wrapped up in the percentages or “mr. right” and don’t factor in reality. Yea you could meet your 90+% (The ultimate goal and fantasy) but what people don’t realize. Across genders. Across sexualities. Is that people change. Yes, people change. Who you meet at 23 isn’t going to be the same person at 50. And they shouldn’t be. If they are, then they haven’t lived.

    And honest, neither should you. You’re not going to be the same 20 years for now. So what’s the solution? Find someone who has the character that you need them to be, or the essentials. Trust, honesty, openness, etc. etc.

    I don’t believe in soulmates, personally, because of my nature-I’m a pretty easy-going person, not too high-strung. And I can see myself with various personality types and people. But if you feel as though so and so meets the basics and then some, and your crazy about them- (or soulmate-ish) then go for it.

    There’s no “right” way to do anything. There’s only what’s right and best for you. If you get married at 23, fine. cool. If that’s what you want and what’s right for you. But if you feel scared, pressured, or that fear of being alone is your motivation or you feel as though you gotta “lock it down now/now or never” attitude-then it’s going to backfire.

    I just fear that young women like you and myself will get sucked into this thinking that marriage is the end all be all out of this irrational fear. Not everything goes the way we plan. Things change. People change. That’s all.

  • Chrissy

    I think this same way. I never really wanted to be married older and like most of the comments expressed I do not want to end up alone in the long run. So, if I meet someone while younger and they have mostly everything I want, (and we connect) then I will probably go for it.

  • D

    @Ask

    Money is important. Agreed. But keeping your expectations in line with how much money you have, and living within your means, is an even more important part of a marriage. Couples can be happy at any income level. A man being able to provide is important, true. But provide what? Clearly a decent home, food, clothing, shelter alone isn’t enough anymore. Now it’s keeping up with the Joneses, the Smiths, the Kennedys, the Obamas and the Trumps…or, if not, at least keeping up with the pretend luxurious lifestyles of the Real Housegirlfriends of Basketball Hip Hop Love or whatever shows. I don’t know how many women’s lists I’ve seen that started with “he has to make six figures” to “he has to make at least 200K” and ever upward. If you want to see a goalpost moving, check with women and the ever-increasing expectations (standards?) they have on what a man should give them…..uh, I mean provide.

    I’d say the same if men were silly enough to say they were cutting off good women who were “underperforming” financially because of money being so important in a relationship. lol…that sentence doesn’t even sound right.

    And there’s a huge gap in your analysis. There aren’t just two types of men to choose from: super-ambitious type A wealthy titans of industry or broke, alcoholic, degenerate thug bums.

    The criticism comes from ignoring all the good men in between those extremes, blue collar or otherwise, with decent incomes and good character that would provide a comfortable life but don’t meet the rich-man standard.

    You see it in any co-ed event. 90% of women chasing 10% of the men.

    If you end up on welfare, that is on you (assuming you’re able to work). It is your fault if you don’t get what you want out of life. Blaming others is misguided and weak.

    Black women can win. Find someone you love and work with whatever the two of you have together. Stop lusting for things you can’t have or that you yourself are not willing to work for.

    Now please do not get me wrong. Wanting a rich husband is a desire as old as the institution of marriage itself. I understand that craving. Money isn’t just about buying things. It represents independence and freedom in life. There is nothing wrong with wanting that, and wanting somebody with a lot of it is perfectly understandable. But the blame for not getting it shouldn’t be leveled at just one person in a partnership. And ruining an otherwise good thing with resentment because you can’t keep your disappointment or expectations in check is sad, indeed.

  • JN

    I agree with Pseudonym. Right now I am with someone who is like 90%. As long as my man meets my main requirements, I’ve realized that I can live with everything else.

  • Eh

    In an ideal world, we could just be ourselves, and the right person would fall into your lap [without calculating and planning]

  • http://www.facebook.com/brynfire Amanda Dunsmore

    “Having it all” doesn’t mean a “perfect soul mate”. It means having a partner you have a deep and fulfilling relationship with, a fulfilling career, and whatever else you want out of life. Some people do indeed “have it all”.

  • http://www.facebook.com/brynfire Amanda Dunsmore

    “women do need a man and unfortunately by the time they figure it out it’s often too late for a variety of reasons kids, options available, age, appearance, baggage, set in their ways, ect.”

    God forbid you try to find someone who loves you for YOU rather than your appearance, age, lack of baggage, ways, ect. Don’t go getting some self respect or anything like that, you might miss out on a chance to be married to someone who picked you for your looks, age, fertility, lack of baggage or absence of personality.

  • Do better

    Best post I’ve read on this topic!

  • Lauren

    Not everyone may be able to relate to this, but I don’t fear being single or ending up alone. I have faith in God that my mate will find me at the right time and right season. I’m actually at point where I wish the guys vying for my attention would go away lol. Unless you have the qualities I need, I don’t need to date you. Now do I wish to be in a relationship sometimes? Yes. The world tells you that you’re less than a woman if you’re single. I have to fight be content at times, but I rather be content and secure then with the wrong person and broken. Being single is not a curse and it is a time for you to work on you. I’m 24 and in the process of starting a business, forming a nonprofit, and preparing to go back to grad school. Can you imagine how hard it will be to do these things if I had a family? I’m grateful that I have this time to focus and purse my goals. I’m not opposed to dating, but like I said-you have to have what I need. I hope women learn to be content whether they’re single or married. Marriage is not going to solve your feelings of loneliness or any other problem for that matter. Oh, and if we want to be technical about things, unless you check married or your tax return, you are still single! Lol

  • Do better

    @ Amanda I love this comment!!!

  • victoria

    D

    Im not sure if my comment was submitted. But here it is again.

    Why are black women being told to not ignore the blue collar guys or the low wage earners? I have yet to hear of successful, well-paid black men being told to not ignore the low wage earner or factory worker. I have yet to see a successful, well-paid black man marry a blue collar women. Men like this marry women on their page. They may sleep with the no or low wage earner, but this man will never girlfriend or wife her.

    Also, why are black women viewed as evil for wanting more than the house, food, and clothes. We also want vacations, retirement funds, investments, nice things, nice furniture, etc.

    And where are these blue collar, decent wage earners you say we should be content to marry? Besides the list of black women you know who want a man making six figures, I know many more who would like to them. As long as they dont have prison records, sky high child support payments, and dont expect their women to pay there way.

  • Skye

    @Victoria Yes black women are always being told who to date. I understand being too picky but jeesh its her liking. Its lower the looks date an average guy then lower the salary. So now she’s completely unhappy. Most people date in their circle period.

  • AprylMaye

    I think we live in a world where our success or validation as women is defined by our marital or relationship status. At 28 years old, I’m single and have no kids. I also am in no rush to have either. I realize that I’m abnormal as my conversations with friends is usually talking them off the ledge as they are constantly bombarded with wedding invitations or have to look at an engagement ring as someone’s Facebook/Twitter avi. Although I don’t understand it, I get it. Society believes something is wrong if you are a certain age and have not reached certain “milestones” such as marriage and baby carriage. Hell, my grandmother told me I need to lower my standards cause I’m not getting any younger. I’ll tell you what I need to do: understand that there may or may not be someone out there that is “the one” and if there is, I need to be prepared for all the work it takes to maintain a healthy, happy relationship. And if there is not some special person floating in pergatory waiting for my love, life can still be great because I’ll never be alone as long as I have a family and great friends who love me for who I am. Until then, my contentment lies in my faith that although I may not be successful because of my lack of a partner, I am successful in being a productive, caring human being that contributes to the betterment of society.

    In short, don’t let society or the pressure from its members make you feel like you’re a failure for being single or place fear in your heart that you’ll never find “The One”. The love you should be searching for is your own because when the dust settles and the music stops playing, spouse or not, you’re all you’ll ever have. Learn to love yourself fully THEN your life will be complete.

  • http://gravatar.com/nolakiss16 binks

    “Yet I’m beginning to learn is that to not put a timeline on things.”

    OMG THIS!!! Isn’t it like a huge weigh lifted off your shoulders when you stop putting timeline on things? I use to do this ALL the time from the thoughts of I should have finished school ages ago with my Masters, I should have lost my virginity at this age, I should have had this many serious relationships by now, the biological clock countdown, moving out on my own, etc. until I questioned “who am I completing against?” And the answer is… no one. Things really do happen when they are supposed to and I found out when you force them to happen the way you want them too it doesn’t feel as good or authentic as you imaged. People love to use the saying “life is short…” well for some life is short but for the majority of us life is LONNNNG so why are we so rigid in trying to finish things in record time or “insert specific time” instead of letting it happen on its own organically. This very thought is what’s fueling fear and this feeling of failure that most people, particularly women and in the age of social media and living your life online, feel when they don’t have the husband, house, kids, job, etc. Not saying you shouldn’t be proactive in your life and go after what you want but sometimes you really do have to stop and take in the scenery of the race itself not just the finish line.

  • KR

    That’s all you got out of my comment?

    Question, do you believe the majority black women of today are happier with their home/family life than black women pre 1960′s?

  • Mademoiselle

    My knee-jerk comment (after only reading the title):
    1. the sum of all my years being single > the sum of all my years in a relationship, and I’m not scared yet
    2. I’m aware that there’s a possibility that I may be one of those women who lives her whole life never married or a parent, but I’m also aware that life has been great so far on this side, so I feel like I’m in a win-win situation. I’ll either end my life on a great single note or a great double note

    Now, I’ll read the article. :)

  • Monica

    I turned 40 this past Christmas and had a mini breakdown too. I had a pity party. I’m single, no kids, and I do fear being alone for the rest of my life. I don’t want to settle for just anybody and then look up one day and realize I made a bad choice out of fear.

  • Mademoiselle

    Meh… my first comment still stands. I’ll add that I’m not one to allow myself to regret my decisions, so if I nix a guy (even if I was in the wrong), I learn from my lessons and press on to the next adventure. If someone from my past is meant to be in my future, he will eventually find his way into my present. If/when he does, I’ll proceed as necessary. I just can’t live the rest of my life in anticipation of who will one day be in it while today isn’t even over yet.

  • The Ravens Are Going To The Super Bowl And Your Team Isn’t. Don’t Be A Crabby Patty.

    I don’t fear being single because I have never had an interest in relationships to begin with.

  • Mademoiselle

    You can’t compare one person’s level of happiness to another person’s level of happiness. You can only compare one person’s happiness given a specific situation to that same person’s happiness under different circumstances. Since it’s impossible to undo someone’s experiences and send them into the past or fast forward them into the future to experience something different, you’ll never know if today’s population is happier than yesterday’s or if they’re even using the same scale or weighting to measure. It’s just like when you tell your doctor something hurts: pain is subjective; so is happiness. Trying to shove today’s women into yesterday’s world rather than customizing the world you inherited is a waste of energy.

  • http://gravatar.com/hsm36 Whatever

    @lola289

    That is very sweet and positive advice. Simple and true.

    It’s always when you’re not actively seeking, someone special walks right into your life.

  • http://Clutch SL

    @Victoria and @Talluah -

    True!

  • http://Clutch SL

    I agree with @Job – the guy was not a bum. His ambitions simply did not match hers at that time. Ambitions are important, but her older self looks backs – did she accomplish what she set out to do – if she didn’t then it could make her feel like she missed out on marriage chasing a dream she didnt realize OR she accomplished her goals but now has no one to share it all with.

  • http://Clutch SL

    I understand how you feel, but there will be days – when you are married – when you wonder if you did the right thing. You’ll wonder who exactly did I marry? Why did I think I wanted to be married.

    Any married person who tells you they never had these feelings or thoughts about their spouse is just – well, they are just lying. Lol!

  • Dee

    As I’ve matured I’ve discovered my ideas aka standards have as well. I had much more rigid and fixed ideas on what a man should do or not do, his age, status, appearance etc. it led me to stay with people when all the signs said Stop! Now I know it’s about the way he treats me and others, ultimately. I’m much happier in my present relationship because I found a genuine and true partner. When someone is for you there’s no guessing you just know. He makes you feel like queen of the world.

  • http://theblackparacosmistmind.wordpress.com theblackparacosmistmind

    :( that’s what sucks about dating. It’s like people sucking the soul out of you or something. All those months, weeks, or years wasted. Maybe that’s why a lot of my friends look so weathered afterwards. lol. But after spa treatments, exercising, and proper diet they bounce back.

  • KemaVA

    This is exactly how I feel! My aunt seemed to be living the fun life when she was younger while my mother didnt do as much having kids and a hubby. Now that they are 60 (they’re twins) my aunt’s life seems lonely. I’m not too worried now at 31 but I may get a little agressive around 45 if I’m still single. lol!

  • KemaVA

    “The guy that dumps his great finance is superficial, but if that’s what he wants more power to him. The woman that dumps the unsuccessful no ambition having guy is practical.”

    I agree with Job. She had a successful career so she wasnt being practical. She was being just as superficial as the man that trades his loving wife for a newer model.

  • http://EleanoreWells.com eleanore wells

    Not only do I not fear being single, I actually wrote about it. I read the article in the Daily Mail that you mentioned and I just feel sorry for that poor woman. The operative line was when she admitted being bored with herself. She should figure out to enjoy her own company.

    I do know there are lots of women who fear being alone. My book, The Spinsterlicious Life, (http://amzn.to/IXX9vZ) is about how to make peace with, and even start enjoying, your single life. Every woman should know how to do this so she doesn’t end up with the wrong partner out of desperation.

  • NYPoweRGirl

    Brava! Very well said.”If someone from my past is meant to be in my future, he will eventually find his way into my present.” This is going in my mental file cabinet.

  • Stanley

    In short, you said you prefer to settle for nothing than to settling for a minimal thing.

  • princessevilina

    As someone who is just now realizing that she’s wasted 15 years with the wrong person, I understand this 100%. I was such a happy person when I met him and look at me now. 45, miserable, and figuring I’ll be single until the day I die. I should have stayed single back then when I was happy about it and left well enough alone. I’ll just say this; Those traits you think you’re willing to live with? Be really sure you can do that because if you can’t, that saying “Life is short” will become a lie. Life is looong when you’re with someone who slowly kills your joy.

  • Stanley

    Testament for nice (genuine) guy finishes last.

  • sunflowershine

    I actually do fear being single. It’s a mindset I’m trying to train myself out of, because I don’t see the singleness going away any time soon, and I need to just figure out how to be “okay” with it.
    All I really wanted was a family of my own, and it’s sad to think that that will probably never happen. Im 28 without much in the way of a social life or any sort of life, and so I feel there are more important things to worry about than dating, but … that also means I’ll probably be 40 and alone. Unfortunately as women, time is more important because time changes things, and takes things away from us.

    But… such is life. Maybe next time around, things will be different.

  • http://Clutch SL

    Very noble – I went thru that phase too – then I realized that God wasn’t going to wrap up a man and deliver him to my door step. Yes, God works on our behalf but he wants us to decide what we want and who we want (so its up to you to ultimately decide who can make you a good partner – just make sure what you are measuring for is sound and not superficial). And even with God there are no guarantees or easy answers – you must take a risk. Relationships are full of risks, and there is no guarantee ever that you get the best return on your investment (some people divorce after 30yrs together) – but to close yourself off and not try does guarantee that you’ll remain single. The right relationships still require a leap of faith.

  • gmarie

    @KR It’s pretty interesting that you note “Kids” as a reason it may be too late for black women to find love/marriage all in the same breath in which you stated waiting and not settling is in a nutshell bullcrap. I dont understand the direction you’re going with this. what exactly do you want us to do? settle or not settle?

  • http://www.facebook.com/brynfire Amanda Dunsmore

    The way it is written suggests that you won’t find marriage if you already have kids, and it seems that the writer suggests you settle and get married before you have kids, baggage, ect and no one wants you anymore. At least, that’s how it read to me. And tbh all I thought of that was if someone decides a woman is unworthy because she already has kids, they have a serious character flaw and, from where I stand, aren’t worth the time of day. Of course, I don’t think much of people like that, male or female, as I would much rather surround myself with people who are genuinely good and caring rather than shallow and judgemental. To each their own though, and if you think that sort of thing will really make you happy then all the power to you.

  • Crystal

    I’m newly divorced with a 1 year old. I fear being alone. I hope this changes.

  • Margaret

    Hang in there Crystal :) It will get better!

  • http://Clutch SL

    It will Crystal! Be encouraged – take it slow…it’ll be okay.

  • Ciera B

    My “Only One”, who’ve I’ve been in a relationship with my entire adult life and was married to for 5 years came out as transgendered (the same night I told him I wanted to start trying to have children). I’m sure you can imagine how devastating it’s been. We’ve been divorced a few months and the fear has started to creep in. The illusion that my ex built made me feel like everything was perfect, not that we didn’t have our days, but we were perfect for one another..and our so abrupt ending, where there was no way to work past it, now has me wondering will every relationship be like this? Is it worth the effort, and planning, and all the other things I did in the past, only to get the same result as those who go for one night stands, settling for weirdos, and not getting to know their potential life partner? I feel like I did everything the “right” way, and I’m still in the same boat as every other single lady out there. It’s frightening..and I’m at a loss.

  • TinaLeana

    i am 20 and I already have accepted the fact that I might be single for the rest of my life. I’ve dated once and even though it didnt work out it is not the reason why I have came to the conclusion of my future single life. I am chosing to be single as in not dating, not looking for someone etc. I just want to focus on my career and other aspects of my life. I’ve never been interested in the idea of kids and husband. The idea of little kids running around and a husband to kiss when he gets home is cute and all but its not exactly what i need to have a fulfilled life. Since i have accepted my singlism lol, I plan to just work and travel, do participate in some activities that I never got a chance to do when I was broke lol. If a man is to come in my life I cant promise that I woudld give up my free time and travel time to be with him. It really depends on where I am in that phase of my life. FOr certain I am not afraid of dying alone or being single for the rest of my life, on the other hand lets say i get married. There is no gaurentee that he would live till I am an old lady, he might die while we are still young thus I would be alone either way. All i am saying is that I dont plan to or seek to find a man or have kids. I am going to enjoy my time on this earth with other things and people, if I happen to meet someone that makes me change my mind then ok, but I am not hung up on the idea that i need someone to accompany me in my life.

  • http://gravatar.com/missllah missllah

    I understand the fear of being single, but I am more afraid of being married. I am near 40 and never married and no children. Unlike Carrie Bradshaw, I don’t have the perfect career and not excuse (except being super picky) for not having married by now. I’ve had two failed engagments, and I am now engaged once again. I have no problem meeting men, I just get gun shy based on the fact that I know I have to be with this person through better or worse. I think being married is more scary than being single. Being married is a leap of faith of the biggest sort.

    The third time is the charm, and I am engaged to a wonderful man whom I met at work. We have our issues of course, but we are to be married this year, and I’ve been through enough to know that EVERY experience is what you make it.

  • Lauren

    It’s not that I’m completely closed off. I”m just not open to dating for the sake of dating. If you do not have the character traits that I do need, I’m moving on. I have entirely too much going on to waste my time.

  • http://Clutch SL

    You made me laugh….I so identify with you on so many points – Age, job and number of engagements, met my husband at work.

    I was so like you and was afraid too, but pulled the trigger on the 3rd time and took a leap of faith. Almost everyday of the first year, I wondered if I’d done the right thing. 15yrs later, in spite of the challenges, I’m sure I did.

    Just recently, I looked at him and laughed – we are actually doing it – growing old together and it’s good!

  • lauryn

    I thought I met THE ONE two years ago, but oh baby Jesus, was that a load of crap. I’m content with being single right now, mostly ’cause I do what I want when I want, but sometimes I ]fear that I will end up alone. I think deep down I know that I will probably never ever get married, and I’m kinda alright with it. Then I think I should just settle, but hell, I haven’t settled in any other aspect of my life, why should I settle when it comes to being a relationship?? I hate thinking about these things.

    In sum: I can do bad all by myself.

  • http://Clutch SL

    @CieraB – boy I can only imagine how heartbroken you must’ve been. Stay encourage. Take time to heal. Figure out what direction you want to go in.

    Time and circumstance happens to us all – we are not as in control of life as we like to think or like to be…..at the end of the day, the only one we can control is ourselves. There is never a guarantee that someone else won’t disappoint us.

  • Marisa

    I’m 35 and single now and I haven’t dropped through the floor and a house hasn’t fallen on me yet. Sick of the this ridiculous doom and gloom forever heaped on women but NEVER on our male counterparts. Straight males rarely get this unless its certain cultural areas of the world were marriage is practically demanded. The problem is too many people are not good with themselves so how are you to make a decent partner to somebody. There are elements to me as a person that flat out make me not an ideal girlfriend. I can be emotionally distant/cutoff at times, I don’t do vulnerability, I’m not a damsel in constant distress that needs to be rescued.

    I gather that would make any relationship pointless but, same qualities are what will help be get through law school and be a good attorney. Anyways being a lawyer is my life’s dream I do that could careless about anything else. Now if I were a man saying this I would probably be high-fived but, I’m sure CNN/ABC/NBC/Essence/Washington-NY Posts will get wind of this and I’ll end up on one of their lame black women are horrible profiles lol.

  • Nakia

    Having children is not the same as having a scar on ones face. Children require a lot from their parents, and often, from those with whom their parents are involved. I don’t think that deciding that’s that is not something you can handle is shallow or judgmental. What about single parents who seek out other single parents to date for their commonalities? Are they shallow, too? For someone like me, having children would be incompatible with my lifestyle. I choose to date men without.

  • http://www.facebook.com/brynfire Amanda Dunsmore

    @Nakia Entirely up to you if you see putting yourself above kids as shallow, or if you discount establishing a relationship with people with children as being judgemental, I was stating my thoughts on the matter. As for parents who seek other single parents to date, that would be one of the main “commonalities” right there – you don’t have to deal with that particular set of …. lets call them issues, when you date another parent.

  • http://www.orenotes.blogspot.com awooof

    If you meet someone with 70% of what you are looking for, that’s fantastic.

    When I was younger, I also worried a lot about this. Should I settle for this guy or hold out for a ‘better’ guy? Well, for me, I never found a guy who had 90% of what I wanted and I realized that I could do without many of the requirements on my list. The more men I met and dated, the more I realized what qualities truly mattered to me.

    So now, I feel like I have a more realistic idea of what types of men would be a good match for me.

    So, meet loads of men and critically think about what type of life you want and what qualities are most important to you in a partner.

  • Shelley greenaway

    i’m fine with being single, i just feel that relationships are now becoming shallow as people are just to picky and are so obsessed with procreation! personally i just want to be in a relationship with someone that’s not a pre programmed stereotype, but someone who actually has a spark, otherwise, i think the whole idea of being paired off just to crank out some kids for the sake of biology is just pointless! there has to be more than that in regards to love! or are some people so petty and bickering (not to mention obsessed with procreation) that love is dead or even worse does not exist?! ;_;

  • http://gravatar.com/qlittlestar13 The Mighty Quinn

    At 50 and single, it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with me, which seems to be an acceptable explanation these days. I’m used to the pointed questions at dinner parties, wow you cooked all this, how come you are not married? The funny thing is, for me I never had the fantasy of marriage, mine was kids. I just don’t understand how people cannot see not everybody wants what they want and for the people that know ME, how difficult it is to find someone to fit into what I do.

    Sure I would love to find a man, but it has to be the right man. Until then, adventure and travel will be my companion. One more thing, friends that have waited forEVER for the dream, one of them recently reveal, the dream is not all it’s cracked up to be.

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