Do You Need A Man To Tell You You’re Beautiful?
I can’t recall my mother ever telling me I was pretty when I was a kid.
I know she thought so, but I don’t remember her saying full out, “Helena, you are beautiful.” She wasn’t like Viola Davis’ character in “The Help.” Instead of paying lip service to those characteristics she wanted written on my heart, my mother showed me she meant them with a living mantra.
She let me make decisions. To this day, I remember the pride I felt at five being allowed to pick exactly what went into our basket every single time we went to the grocery store. It made me feel appreciated and as though my opinion actually mattered.
My mother clapped hardest at every dance recital and agreed loudly when other people praised me, but she rarely handed out her own gold stars. When someone else said I’d be a heart breaker when I grew up, she’d joke about me not being allowed to date ever, but she never initiated that sort of praise.
It was an outward thing that I just took as a given but never internalized as important to my self-confidence, which by definition comes from self. I don’t know if she was trying that weird reverse psychology that says if you tell a kid they’re smart too often they won’t work as hard, but it worked.
So when I read the gorgeous letter writer Emma Johnson wrote to her daughter – who also happens to be named Helena — I was pleasantly surprised by how straightforward it was. In it, Johnson tells her little girl straight up that she is beautiful — not because of her physical characteristics, but because of something intangible, which is something I’m positive little girls need to hear. But what I found most interesting about Johnson’s letter was the advice she gave her Helena about men:
“And when some man lets you know that, no, sorry, you’re really great and all, but you are not beautiful, you need to know that has nothing at all to do with you. Not one thing. It has something to do with that man because he cannot see. And because you are beautiful you will be kind to him — because in all your beauty you will have that kindness and love to share.
And then you will go.”
Johnson recounts the tale of a man she once dated who didn’t find her beautiful and how she in turn began internalizing his lack of praise and felt ugly. She then lets her child know that a man who ever does this to her isn’t worth keeping and, obviously, I totally agree.
Still, it got me to thinking about the intersections of young women, self-confidence, outward praise and stable relationships.
Before any man told me I was beautiful, I thought I was. I know this isn’t the case for most girls or even grown ass women. I actually can’t remember the first time a boy said I was pretty. In high school, a senior told me I looked like the star of Spike Lee’s “Girl 6,” a movie about a phone sex operator.
In college, someone once referred to me as “the pretty one.” A few years ago, I went on a date with this one guy who kept saying, “You’re so fucking beautiful,” in the most aggressive all-the-better-to-wear-your-skin-like-a-bathing-suit type way. But aside from random strangers on street corners, not many men had told me to my face that I was pretty.
I took this picture for a local DC paper and Ike was cheering me on from the sidelines the whole time.
That is until I met Ike, the ink to my pen, who breathes out compliments like carbon dioxide. His nickname for me is “fancy” or “pretty” and when he says those words, I know he’s taking to me and only me.
Thing is, I never thought that was important before I was getting it on the regs. I mean I’ve been in relationships with men who I know for a fact thought my lip gloss was popping but when a man (or woman) sincerely thinks you’re “beautiful because of that thing –- that perfect thing inside of you” as Johnson perfectly puts it, it does feel very different. And terrifying.
Because if I’ve built my own Lego castle of self-esteem complete with a moat for all the dum dums who didn’t realize how bomb I was and then some compliment conquistador comes ’round to plant the flag, is the place still mine? Of course it is, but damn if it ain’t a little scary to let someone in.
Do you remember the first time someone you actually gave a crap about called you beautiful and really meant it? How’d it make you feel? Good butterflies or bad butterflies?
This post originally appeared on XOJane. Republished with permission. Click here for more Helena on XOJane!
Do I need a man to tell me I’m beautiful? NO. However, I do love and appreciate when MY husband tells me I”m beautiful. He is the only man that matters.
I don’t think most women, regardless of race, are looking to men to tell us we’re beautiful.
I think most of us just expect OUR individual husband/boyfriend to say it.
The only women I know that might expect outside validation are single women, who are looking for men to acknowledge them and ask them out.
As a single woman, I dont need a man to tell me that I am beautiful because I already know that I am beautiful. What I need is for a man to see the inner beauty with me because that is what is going to sustain a relationship. Because I am physically attractive, it is not going to keep my husband from cheating, as most married men do.
Shady ass comments from both of you.
I meet a guy he says it once then thank you and continue on but, the incessant need to keep saying it over and over like stop it and just get to the freaking conversation lol. I don’t NEED for a guy to say it because to me my mother is the most beautiful woman ever and I look exactly like her, so I’m not going to look down on my looks if this or that guy doesn’t say it. Not every guy I’ve walked passed in life as said it but, guess what I still have a life. Anyways calling me smart trumps the looks because that’s showing me that a guy has observed me in a way where my intelligence is in play. Lets face it ladies any compliment could in fact he just dude running game, so take it with a grain of salt and not let it dictate your self esteem.
I’ve never been called beautiful (i don’t count the skeevy i-look-like-i-just-crawled-out-of a-dumpster-to-talk-to-you old guys…), which is fine–it’s ok; i’m not.
don’t get me wrong, i’m not the ugliest person in the whole, but if plastic surgery were free and error proof, I’d change a few things, for sure…
That said, I make it a point to tell kids they are pretty/handsome all time, whether they are or not. I think it’s of upmost importance to help them to build up that self confidence for themselves (can you tell i didn’t have that?…).
In high school, i remember a random stranger walking up to me to tell me i’m ugly; ten years later, it’s one of the main things i remember from high school. Without a single outside reference to think otherwise, why wouldn’t i believe them?….
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But it’s not trivial! It is important to feel appreciated – inside AND out! If a child asked you if you thought they were pretty, and you did not, would you tell them that they are not? What does it take away from you to increase someone else’s self-esteem? Oh, I’m sorry, maintaining your honesty is more important than boosting a child’s self-worth.
Now people, don’t get me wrong, a person’s self-worth should not hinge solely on looks, but this is 2013 and we are bombarded by images of “beauty” all over the place! Our current entertainment industry has shifted from having singers that can sing to singers that look good singing. In all aspects of society people are passing judgement and commenting on how others look and dress. Even people who show their amazing skills on national fora are subject to criticisms of their outward appearance (e.g. Gabrielle Douglas). So yes, we should encourage predominantly other qualities and assets in our children (both boys and girls) but how can we show that they are worthy, loved, and appreciated if we ignore their exterior or voice our displeasure with it? We need to love, appreciate, and nurture the WHOLE being.
because it’s not trivial –in the formative years (in an increasingly superficial/airbrushed to death world) when they are trying to figure out they feel about themselves, a little self confidence boost can go a long way.
it’s the definition a little white lie; what? are you suppose to tell the kid they are ugly?
@ ?
-Did you not read the part where she said that a stranger made it a point to tell her she is ugly and she has carried it with her 10 years after. She may be “lying” to those kids that may not fit her standards of beauty, as it is SUBJECTIVE, BUT I think it is pretty obvious why she does it, and I fully understand where she is coming from.
It may be trivial to YOU, but-clearly, it is not that trivial an issue.
@Anon,
Thanks for sharing. It really is important, especially for us, as parents to affirm in our sons and daughters their beauty-which translates to a better self esteem, as then they will be better equipped/positioned to handle unsolicited negative/possible self-esteem crashing opine, such as your encounter those many moons ago. Keep shining mama!! :)
A 8-year old comes home and says “Mommy/Daddy, the kids at school always call me ugly. Is my face ugly?”
Can you picture telling that child “*sigh*Yes, baby, your classmates are right. You are a beautiful person on the inside, but your face isn’t very cute”.
The primary goal is to make sure a child knows that what is inside is most important, but many children will go through school years (maybe beyond) hearing how ugly they are, and carry that through life, so why not tell them they are beautifully created, inside and out?
When people out there in the world tell you you are ugly on a regular basis, regardless of how your parents/uncles/aunts tell you you have a beautiful soul and mind, you tend to take the comments on your physical appearance more to heart.
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You sound ugly as f***. Inside and out.
I’m ugly because inside and out, mind lol, just because I refuse to treat beauty as a women’s issue, women’s right or women’s property.
You just proved my point.
unbitter yourself luv.
No we don’t need a man to tell us we’re beautiful; but it’s flattering. Who wouldn’t want their significant other to tell them they’re beautiful