Dating Someone with Kids: A Compromise or an Honor?
I remember watching an episode of The Bachelorette in which single mom Emily Maynard was visibly offended when potential beau Alessandro used the word “compromise” to describe how he felt about being involved with her as a single parent.
“You see that as a compromise? You don’t see that as an honor?” she asked. She later stated, “Me having a daughter isn’t a compromise and anyone I’m going to spend my life with is going to see it as the biggest bonus ever.”
Okay, the word “compromise” isn’t the most warm and cozy thing to say in this context; a parent doesn’t want to hear anything less than glowing applause about his or her little dumpling, even if the pookie doo cusses them out on a regular basis. But I think the guy is being honest about what the situation means for a lot of people.
It reminds me of my own experience “getting to know” a guy with not one, not two, not three, but four kids — all under the age of 18. I say “getting to know” because our brief tango didn’t get very far for a few reasons … one of which being juggling The Parenthood.
I was wary from the beginning with “Chris.” Two baby mamas, and two boys and two girls. That’s a lot of people to factor in when trying to learn about one person. And I include the baby mamas because they are very much a part of the equation. Their moods affect his mood, their finances affect his finances, their availability affects his availability.
One of the first characteristics I discovered about Chris is that he’s a terrific, super involved, ever-present father. All of his kids are involved in sports and church activities. Virtually every day and every weekend, somebody has a practice, a rehearsal, or a game — and he’s at just about every single one. Every day. Every weekend.
Turns out that such a demanding schedule, coupled with the spontaneous responsibilities of parenthood, are not all that conducive to a potential relationship. We talked on the phone often, but that’s all we ever managed to do. Talk. Every planned date was postponed because of a basketball tournament, somebody’s tummy ache, no one to watch the kids on his weekend, or scheming baby mama antics.
Which led me to the conclusion, “I don’t think there’s any room for me in your life.”
“Of course there’s room for you,” Chris said. He then explained, with all seriousness, how I could come to the boys’ football games and we could hang out and talk in the stands.
As much as I dig football, his suggestion wasn’t going to replace the need to spend time together — just us. But dedicated “just us” time with this dude was as difficult to come by as weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.
The reality? I was one of several people vying for this man’s attention on a daily basis. And as the adult and the one he was not legally and ethically responsible for, I was always the last in line.
Don’t get me wrong; I never wanted to come before his kids. I told him often that he was an awesome dad, a prime example, father of the year. I expected nothing less of him than to be there for his children. After all, if he was a deadbeat dad and could spend all of his extra time with me, I wouldn’t have been comfortable with that either.
At the same time, just like a new baby (pun intended), budding relationships need nurturing. You’re supposed to feel like a priority. And frankly, I felt neglected. But how do you say that to a devoted parent without sounding like the Trick That Stole Christmas? It’s touchy territory.
I struggled with this feeling because I was sensitive to his responsibilities, but still didn’t feel he deserved a free pass from the “meet me halfway” zone. He constantly regaled me with stories about his kids, as if being a dutiful dad excused him from having to put much effort into courting me (yeah, old school, I know). Just because a person is a good parent, doesn’t make him or her a good partner, and I still needed to do my due diligence.
Honor or compromise? I’d say both. I felt honored whenever Chris said he couldn’t wait for me to meet his kids and that I’d make a great step-mom. (Which, how the heck would he know since we spent almost no time together?).
As far as the compromise, all relationships involve compromise. A man would have to accept me and my mucho miscellany just as much as I would have to accept his. A person without kids isn’t a walk in the park just because of that fact alone. Far from it.
The compromise isn’t personally about the child. You could be raising the freaking Golden Child for all I care. It’s about the lifestyle change. The child-free person’s life is the one that has to drastically transform when involved with a person with kids, not the other way around.
This can be especially daunting for someone like me who fully savors her freedom. Many an evening I talked to Chris and he was on his way to Chuck E. Cheese or somebody’s rehearsal…and I was on my way out to paint the town. My life consists of spontaneous weeknight outings, trips on the weekends and sleeping in — all things I would love to do with my boo. All things that would slow down like cold honey to mesh with a family man.
Still, I don’t consider a man with children to be a deal breaker. But not being able to make time for us, is. No one should apologize for their kids (unless they’re really, really bad. Kidding! Sort of … ). Nor should I apologize for expecting a certain level of engagement with the person I’m interested in. How people work that out? I’m not sure. But they do it every day.
I don’t see dating a man with kids as a compromise. I don’t mind dating someone with kids. I used to be like that in my early 20′s but now that I’m older I have to be realistic and know that the majority of people my age have a child or two or more and I’m cool with that. I love kids so it’s no biggie to me.
Great article!!! I understand and relate to eeevery point made!
I am a single dad of 2 kids (6,2) and have just started dating again.
Please believe me, this is one of the hardest things in the world to do. I love my children deeply, I would die for them in a heartbeat. Recently I have met a single woman and our relationship has become quite intense. I am a good father, I see my kids 3 times week and play a big part in their lives. I need something for me, a woman who I trust with my heart and the love children bring. To accept someone else’s children must be very hard. I’m damn sure that the relationship I get into next will be the one. If that person can meet me half way then I will move the earth to show them what a wonderful blessing children are. Yes, commitments get in the way. It’s not possible to live your life as you did in your early twenties. There is so much love that goes unseen, I just need that person who can see beyond the immediate and want to be a part of a family. I hope it works out. I never planned to bring up my children this way, all I can do is be me and shine the light.
Good luck to everyone
Kids are a wonderful blessing to the parents that bore them and usually to the extended family, but I’m not of the allusion that someone else will feel that way about my child. I don’t know your specific circumstances, but it’s evident that your kids mother(s) are still alive since you don’t maintain primary custody. It’s a lot to ask anybody to come into – it’s a bigger risk for them than it is for you and while right now, you really want someone for yourself, there’s no guarantee your kids. will be accepting. You have tall fences to leap, so don’t kid yourself. Once the intensity (which is usually mostly about romance and sex in the beginning) wears off, will you honestly be willing to put your kids needs second to someone elses? Will you be strong enough to set the rules of engagement for your baby mama(s)? I think you should really think long and hard about it cause it most definitely will be a factor and hopefully, you’ll be upfront with this other person and let her know where your boundaries are – and yes, you should be very clear on that for yourself out the gate. Also, you should really think long and hard about WHY you could not make it with your BM – when you choose to bring kids into a relationship the ME factor should go out the window. It is no longer about you or your BM – its about the kids and whatever difficulties you have with her you two should move heaven and earth to try and fix it so you can be together to raise the kids you both chose to have. Unless you were really a knucklehead and just randomly laid with some chick(s) who hves none of the qualities you were looking for in a lifetime mate, then you should make that committment to the woman (and hopefully it’s only one) who bore your children. A man who has children with someone else will not make a good mate for the long run, because unless he’s a half-stepping baby daddy, he will remain split for the rest of his life. You love someone else but you cannot love that person more than your own flesh and blood – think about it long and hard before bringing someone into that kind of situation. Your 1st allegiance will always be to your children – that person will never hold 1st place in your life. Is it fair of you to ask someone to be ok with coming in second for a lifetime, because that is what you will be asking.
This is why I say that guys don’t get off scott free when they have children oow. They pay a price too!
Thanks for your words.
If you can’t go back you can only go forwards. Yep hands up I behaved badly. I never wanted this, I just have to deal with it now.
The woman I fell in love with changed, as did i. It was a kinder thing to call it a day rather than end up hating and fighting.
Towards the end I was a d*ck. I hate myself for that but as is always true, it takes two.
I cant go along with everything you say otherwise I will grow old on my own for the sake of the kids. They ask me if i’m lonely and I say yes.
I don’t want a new mother for them, they have a perfectly good one. We both continue a healthy and positive friendship.
You have to move on. I will not let the past sadness consume me. My children deserve to be happy and their happiness is a reflection of my own. Although none of this is ideal, of course I can only make the best of the situation.
I have to believe my life is not over to carry on working, providing and being the best I can be. I can sit here and wallow in the mistakes we both made in our marriage but that helps no one.
I didn’t make the descision to have kids lightly, I don’t take their welfare lightly now. This is life today, not some bulls*it Disney film that gets pumped at kids.
My folks are still together and have survived some awful circumstances side by side. I have a good example behind me and this is not taken lightly.
It must go forwards to survive is all i’m saying. Yes a new relationship is fueled by desire but christ – what’s wrong with that? It keeps the human race alive. I’m not entitled to those emotions or feelings because I have children? and when the dust settles is she the one? Well how does anyone else find out? You get stuck in and work that out as you go.
I was honest with this new lady from the word go about having kids and what that means if there was a road ahead. She said she is fine with this, I hope she is and continues to be.
Thank you for replying
“It is something about a man loving his family and kids that will make some women love him even more.”
Yes to THIS :-).
You’re welcome and I hope you don’t think I’m hating on you cause I’m not. I’m seeking to grow too in my understanding of things. I can only share with you my beliefs and my understanding which has been forged by my own experiences.
My dad had 2 oow kids before he married my mom. My mom knew prior to marrying my dad that at least 1 kid existed (says she didn’t know about the other). I had a front row seat to the strain his love and obligation for his kids placed on my parents marriage – at some points nearly pulling it apart.
My dad loved my mom. They were married 35yrs before he passed, but in all that time – that THING always came between them and to some degree it impacted all his kids. There was jealousy and resentment and bitterness. My dad lived his life being split. I can only guess at what he must’ve really felt – he often couldn’t give his wife first priority cause these other kids had needs…and sometimes those needs were encroaching upon his family.He wasn’t the kind of man to walk away from his children – any of us.
Man – when I think about what he must’ve had to suffer because he made some bad decisions early on.
So you can’t undo what is done – how to move forward and have a life for yourself.
I don’t know, really – I don’t know the state your relationship with your ex. But if she hasn’t moved on (as in remarried), I’d start there.
Since you own your screw-ups maybe you’ve learned how to be a better mate. Maybe you two can work on rebuilding your relationship – instead of you trying to forge a new one.
Knowing you screwed up is 50% there dude. Can you for the sake of your kids travel the other 50% to repair your relationship with your ex?
I’m not so sure I would be with my husband today if it were not for our daughter and I don’t feel any shame admitting that…but we are sticking it for her sake and in that time we have grown to understand each other more and to even love each other more deeply. She needs us to do this thing called marriage.
So everyday we are working to forge that intimacy to sure up that commitment. Marriage is not for chumps – marriage is work.
And if you go down that road with this new chick, the same is going to be true.
You said you’ve been straight up with her about your situation. That’s great – let’s hope she really understands what you are saying to her….sometimes if we haven’t walked down a road before its hard to see that road being anything less than what it is right now – just be sure that you test it best you can over time to see how she really handles it.
Blessings.
@ Chris
This statement – “I love my children deeply, I would die for them in a heartbeat” leaped right into my heart from the computer screen. I say this coming from a patriarchy male dominated family where there are more men in my family than women. However, these men are providers. So when you make that statement – I can feel your desire. I’m just not accustomed to reading it in blogs, articles, or even seeing it playing out on television (well TP’s Daddy’s Little Girls).
I just believe where there is a man who is willing to die for his children, a good woman who loves your kids as much as you love her or she loves you will follow. It is something about a man loving his family and kids that will make some women love him even more. Congratulations to having the heart to date again. I am sincerely hoping that the right woman comes into your life and your children’s.
Thank you – i appreciate it.
I’m a good man. I’ve made some dumb mistakes in my life, I’m not perfect. I work hard, I have a good job and i want a simple life. That’s it.
I’ve cried myself to sleep for over a year and i’m not doing it any more.
I will put myself 110% into a new life and show my children that although life has given them some tough breaks, there is a future with me being happy and in love. They need to see that.
I don’t know why all this is coming out on here. I don’t have many friends and don’t talk at all about it. I guess things are changing for me and i’m optimistic about the future for the first time in ages.
@ Chris
This statement – “I love my children deeply, I would die for them in a heartbeat” leaped right into my heart from the computer screen. I say this coming from a patriarchal male dominated family where there are more men in my family than women. However, these men are providers. So when you make that statement – I can feel your desire. I’m just not accustomed to reading it in blogs, articles, or even seeing it playing out on television (well TP’s Daddy’s Little Girls).
I just believe where there is a man who is willing to die for his children, a good woman who loves your kids as much as you love her or she loves you will follow. It is something about a man loving his family and kids that will make some women love him even more. Congratulations to having the heart to date again. I am sincerely hoping that the right woman comes into you and your children’s life.
I AM DATING A GUY WHO SOUNDS MUCH LIKE YOU. I SOUND LIKE THE LADY YOU DESCRIBED. I LOVE HIM AND WANT TO BE IN HIS CHILDREN’S LIFE. ITS BEEN TWO YEARS AND I STILL HAVE NOT MET HIM. WHAT GIVES?
I’m 23 and I’m a senior in nursing school. I still live at home due to not being able to work because of school. I have been dating a guy,my age, for a year. His son is now 16 months old. He has him every other weekend overnight and every friday and monday for 5 hours. We have been talking about moving in together, which I was on board for. But now he might get full custody this summer. Now, I am not sure I am ready to go from living in a house as full time student/daughter to a faux full time step parent. I suggested I live on my own for a year to gain experience while our relationship adapts to the possible change of having a child full time in our life. My boyfriend is very upset because of this and says I’m taking steps back in our relationship and I do not care about him or his son. I’m at a loss. I’m trying to do what is best for me because I have to look out for myself just like he has to look out for his son. I’m not sure what to do. Thoughts?