If there was one wish I had for the fake Mayan apocalypse that sadly didn’t come true, it was that most online “relationship experts” would be swept away in the Biblical flood.

OK, maybe not swept away, but I hoped they would all at least repent and abandon their careers of giving women bad advice on finding love.

This business of trying to fix women’s singlehood is BOOMING and everyone’s jumping in feet first. Any Tom, Dick, Harry and Tyrese can to tell women what they’re doing wrong and why they aren’t worthy of love — and I wish they’d all just have a gahtdamb seat and go punch themselves in the face. Can you tell I’m fed up?


And the really annoying thing is that the men handing out these lackluster love tips have absolutely no real credentials, like maybe a degree of some kind. It’s as if they think their penises are rolled-up certificates of achievement. Someone should tell them that every time an article called “10 Reasons Why You’re Still Single” is written, an angel loses her temper and tells them to STFU. And then she throws her harp.

Clearly, that someone is me.

Most recently, the folks on my Facebook fan page brought to my attention some dude (I’ll call him Linen Folex, because he had on a tacky linen suit with a fake Rolex in his profile picture) who fancies himself some sort of love life fixer — Olivier Nope, if you will.

On his page, he warns men to stay away from women he deems unworthy. He also tells women what to do to become worthy, dropping such gems as, “A woman who has 3 or more visible tattoos is a ho,” and, “If she likes you, she will pay you.”

Those statements are so stupid that I’m pretty sure the word “stupid” is offended.

Linen Folex’s random tidbits are not only narrow-minded, but they’re misogyny personified. He is a perfect representation of the current crop of “relationship experts” who can hardly hide the fact that they don’t think much of women. Mr. Folex and his obtuse peers assume that everything women do is motivated by an eternal yearning for companionship.




Maybe these terrible messages wouldn’t be so bad if these fools didn’t have willing audiences. Linen has over 5,000 likes on Facebook and has 150,000 followers on Twitter.

Who are these lost souls listening to all this nonsense? We need to pray for them, then push them in a pool of holy water.

Women are co-signing this stuff by the droves, sopping up this bad advice like cheddar bay biscuits at Red Lobster. Women are actually responding with, “You are speaking TRUTH! We appreciate your honesty!”  and, “You are bringing so much truth…It’s amazing once you really start to find, realize and accept the REAL truth.” 

Ma’ams, your self-hating is showing. Kindly tuck it in.

Even worse than some of these lonely women are the cosigning men who applaud dudes like Mr. Folex. They think he’s some sort of manhood messiah and it’s so sad.

Unfortunately (or maybe fortunately), I don’t hide disdain well. Fed up with all the foolishness when I saw that Linen Folex called a writer for women’s site a “negro bed wench,” I went off. I replied to his tweet with, “Sir, you’re a bitch.” And then I called him a “fucking cunt.”

Folks thought I was hacked because I usually keep my tweets PG-13. I was not. I’d just had enough.

Naturally, Folex called me a man hater, among other things. Then his Twitter followers ran into my mentions, defending him and basically being the degenerates I expected they’d be. Then this gang of sheep went to my Facebook fan page and started running amok, calling me a lonely hater and, of course, a ho.

All I could do was facepalm and wonder where we went wrong as a human race.

This relationship expert propaganda needs to end. Friends don’t let friends buy into this boolsheet, and the only way we can fight back is to call them out on their crap. These men have received way too much positive reinforcement, which has assured them that what they’re saying is of value. CALL THEM OUT.

We need to fight back against these idiots because our friends and sisters are eating this up, and feeling worse about themselves and their lives for it. These women are now on starting lineup for Team Bad Decisions and the feedback they’re getting from these FAUXPERTS is chipping away at their confidence.

So feel free to pass this post along to that friend you have. You know the one who’s always buying relationship advice books and subscribes to every relationship blog on the web? Yes. Send it to her.


This post originally appeared on XOJane. Republished with permission. Click here for more Luvvie
on XOJane! 

  • Yvette

    So, how do you tell the bad relationship advice from the good? I mean, it can’t all be bad, right?

    I don’t have a problem turning to experts when it comes to medical issues or any other topic that I’m not knowledgeable about. What’s the difference between this and relationship advice?

    Yes, I understand there are some charlatans out there, but how specifically do you know if it’s bad advice?

  • LemonNLime

    Listen, there is a recession and people need to make a living some how. If you are lacking common sense, crazy, and have access to Twitter or YT then you too can become a relationship guru.

    Sure these “men” could do some more productive like, I don’t know, build a cabin, pick up a language, or even learn to make a strawberry tart but why do that when it is so much easier to take to Twitter and “help” us lowly women like you are Dr. Joyce Brothers.

    But in all honesty, these men fall into the category I call “The Narcissist”. They are extremely self-absorbed and rather than take the time to become well rounded and interesting so people will want to be around them, they usually take the route of either 1. preacher or 2. relationship guru. That isn’t to say that all preachers and gurus are charlatans but those that are charlatans do have easy access to weak minded individuals, lonely women, and $$$. The rest of us see them for what they are and say, “And here’s some advice for you Tyrese, build a time machine and go back to 1995, you know, when you were somewhat relevant…somewhat.

  • http://tontonmichel.tumblr.com/ Tonton Michel

    He has the right to run his mouth just like this writer is doing, you dont like it kick rocks and keep it moving.

  • Mademoiselle

    The thing is people are asking for it. I’ve been in many co-ed gettogethers where somehow the conversation turns to “you’re a man… why do men _____?” You’re a man usually is the only qualification used to open that conversation up. Women do this to themselves a lot of the time.

  • Yvette

    @Tonton Michel – Exactly. I think people need to keep in mind that even though he may label himself a “relationship expert”, it’s only his opinion and each of us has free will to either listen to it or not.

    By trying to censor him, what you’re actually doing is saying that women aren’t smart or capable enough to make their own decision about whether or not his advice is “bad”.

  • ASK_ME

    I’m sorry but nobody I know is asking misogynist (yes, that’s what these men are) their advice on relationships. NOBODY. They take it upon themselves to tell women (usually black women) why 1). They are undesirable to them, the misogynist and 2). What they can do to make themselves, if they are lucky, desirable to them, the misogynist. The only people who take these mean seriously are the disillusioned, stupid, young and reckless.

  • Tara

    Why are you here. This is a women’s blog?

  • Tara

    If black women dated out more and made options for themselves outside of the race, they wouldnt have to worry about these black men and who they date. I’m not even thinking about black men. Tyreese is coming out with a book I heard and he does not even like black women.

  • http://gravatar.com/jamesfrmphilly jamesfrmphilly

    “getto gethers” …LOL

  • Mahogany

    The only way to get rid of faux relationship experts is to simply ingnore them.

    Insulting him on his page was rather immature. You have your option and he has his, just respect that and keep it moving.

  • ASK_ME

    Well, the first thing we can do is start BLOCKING these idiots from sites like this one.

    A whole flock of these single, angry, bitter, delusional, whiny, ugly ass misogynist frequently come to sites like this one and write their unsolicited relationship advice supposedly to “help” because they are “concern” and “looking out for us.” These individuals typically copy and paste THE SAME nonsense on EVERY post.

    Then when someone, usually a writer here, calls them out they go into rants about “Black women trying to silence black men” or “Black women don’t want to hear the truth that can help us” or “Black women don’t care about black men’s pain and experiences.”

    This ish is ridiculous, annoying and off-putting.

    Things finally came to a head on the Marriage is like kitchenware article and black women, like myself, started fighting back.

    These men are so unbelievably clueless that they actually think black women are so thirsty for love and companionship that we would stoop to desiring men like them–those with an obvious jaded opinion of black women.

    It’s almost comical.

  • Guest1234

    There are some thirsty ladies out there who are desperate for a man – any kind of man. I have a facebook friend that cosigns on all this “black women ain’t ish” garbage that occasionally make the social media rounds.

    I got damn mad at her the time she posted some black-woman-hating video with the comment: “See, ya’ll black women need to stop this ‘cuz ya’ll are messin’ it up for everybody.”

    I mean, really? Are the arbitrary rantings of any ignorant a$$ negro with some made-up nonsensical beef about black women ever worth a damn? Let alone her going off the deep end with the craziness that some other woman’s activities have anything at all to do with her own dating prospects. I couldn’t believe her desperation and self-loathing. To women like her, any steaming pile of garbage spewed out the side of some ignorant-ass negro’s mouth is the gospel truth that all black women need to yield to. I was just too through.

    The truth of the matter is that she’s obviously seething with self-loathing. THAT”s her dating problem – not other black women, not the nonsensical hate that these assclowns carry towards black women, or anything else. If she carried herself like she’s worth a damn (which she IS), she’d find a wonderful man who would love her for everything that SHE is – not some jackass that will constantly put her (and all black women) down because of some bullsh!t that has nothing to do with her (i.e. “black women are the debbil becuz….. (insert some ignorant a$$ bullsh!t here)”). It’s just low self-esteem plain and simple.

  • ASK_ME

    Easy….look at their marriage/relationship history.

  • BriA

    Everyone with a twitter and facebook account are relationship experts these days. The sad part is that many woman think that just because it’s coming from a man, the advice is great and “the truth.” That’s not to say that I haven’t seen some good advice, but most of it is self serving. It’s never focused on what men need to do, but on no matter how smart you are, beautiful you are, how many years you spent volunteering, how many lives you’ve touched, you ain’t toilet water unless you have a man. Well, reading this every day will cause a woman to start questioning herself. I never felt so down about my own self, until I started reading some of this so-called “advice.” Bitter men who can’t get the women that they feel entitled to need to have a large, private, therapy session to talk about their problems and stop trying to tell women what they need to do to get a man.

  • Mademoiselle

    Have you ever listened to the Steve Harvey Morning Show during their Strawberry Letters segment? LOTS of women are asking these men — misogynists or otherwise — to opine on their “plight.” I remember there even being a relationship panel at the Essence Festival a few years ago with Ginuwine, Malik Yoba, maybe Hill Harper, and some other guys lined up to take questions from the audience about relationships. These men are for all intents & purposes a bunch of strangers being asked to dissect other strangers’ problems with absolutely no background to draw on. They’re asking. It’s true.

  • http://tontonmichel.tumblr.com/ Tonton Michel

    Because I can be, any more questions?

  • http://www.curlycrazy.com CurlyCrazy

    Girl, YES!!!!! I can’t stand all these fake relationship experts. I think Steve Harvey is at the top of my list of “why the funk are we listening to him?”. He is on his third marriage and has been divorced twice and he’s giving us advice on relationships?! No degree, no credentials, just two divorces and a middle-of-the-road comedy career. It’s like going to a homeless guy for investment advice. No thanks, sir. But still his book sold THOUSANDS of copies, and he had a movie from it too. Crazy!

    The only people I feel comfy taking relationship advice from are people who either have degrees or a stellar relationship history. I love getting advice from old married couples. If someone’s still happily married after 20 or 30 years, they’re obviously doing something right.

    I always say that before I take anyone’s relationship advice, I need to see their “Relationship Resume”. Are you QUALIFIED to give me advice because I don’t have time for that blind-leading-the-blind shyt. Also it seems like a lot of “relationship advice” is really just putting down women. I can’t believe we let it happen.

  • http://tontonmichel.tumblr.com/ Tonton Michel

    @Yvette that is is right they act like people who give out this advice that they do not agree with have special owera over the “simple minded”, look how she referred to his followers, “sheep” so there sheep if they do not think like you you? Lonely, desperate, thirsty? Let’s be real U MAD because someone’s opinion is different from yours and you want to be the shepherd. The so called “experts” men, women, there all just giving their opinion and you can take it or leave it. Getting salty about it says something about you not them.

  • EST. 1986 (GO RAVENS)

    You are absolutely right. Nearly all of the ‘advice’ men dish out isn’t to help women, but to get women to cater to their low standards.

  • http://gravatar.com/rwpole rw

    oohh i unfollowed this gent because i dont like when folks tweet the same things everyday and call this brand building, and i just didnt know what journey he was taking me on

  • Skye

    I feel the guys who hide on these websites waiting for a relationship topic to post their opinions are men no women are checking for seriously. 90% are single just like the women they preach about. They come on here cause women in the real world are not interested or give them the time of day so they want to say their likes and dislikes to convince women on websites to get themselves in order n date men like them and I guess tell our friends and every women offline to want them lol. That’s why its best to ignore them like women offline.

  • Job

    It’s bad advice because she doesn’t agree with it. By the way the term misogynistic is used too losely. Everyone who prefers traditional gender roles doesn’t hate women.

  • Skye

    Yes just what I wrote. These fools are either single where no woman is interested in them or they do have women interested but difficult times finding a connection. They are in the same boat as single women. They just want women to fall in line for them and silly women will.

  • BriA

    And most of it is so contradictory. They tell women to lower their standards and then when women do, they tell them they don’t have any standards. One minutes it’s “ladies you are single because you are unattractive/overweight/uneducated.” Then the next minute it’s “you are single because you care too much about how you look and you are too educated.” Which one is it??? Don’t even get me started on the men who are always going on and on about what a “real woman” does and wanting a Michelle Obama, when they aint even 1/16 of what Barack is.

  • ASK_ME

    You’re right these men also suffer from some serious penis envy. They are forever spewing their jealousy of other men, who seemingly don’t have a problem getting women.

  • http://gravatar.com/mimiandy1683 MimiLuvs

    IMO, since 2008 (coincidentally, around the time Obama was sworn into office) Black celebrities have jumped on the ‘relationship advice’ bandwagon… twenty or so years after women-oriented magazines (in particular, magazines that were designed for white women) were posting the same advice for decades. In fact, these advice columns were the butt of the jokes that were spoken by comedians and showcased in 1980′s sitcoms.
    I think with a lot of these advice-givers, the advice is not coming from a honest and good place in their souls. I think this is just another side-hustle. I guess, it beats selling boot-legged DVDs.

  • http://gravatar.com/mimiandy1683 MimiLuvs

    Which is why I am concerned about the young, soon-to-be women who are reading this crap.
    I think a lot of people do not consider the fact that teenaged girls are visiting these websites (including this one) and is getting advice from these relationship experts/from the men commentators.
    A lot of the advice is confusing for me, due to the contradicting suggestions. So, I can imagine how these teens feel.

  • http://gravatar.com/mimiandy1683 MimiLuvs

    I tend to analyze the advice that they give.

  • LemonNLime

    But you know what going to a homeless guy for financial advice is? Funny! That is exactly what I think about anything falling out of these fools mouths. I don’t fight it, I laugh at it.

  • http://gravatar.com/nolakiss16 binks

    BOOM! Just because these people have a platform and outlet doesn’t mean YOU have to listen, respond or give them attention. The best thing to do is simply ignore and keep it moving. If someone wants to listen to them or take their advice then that is on them NOT you.

  • Stanley

    When it comes to relationships, sex, and marriages between men and women, both parties are greatly needed in the conversation. It is very unfortunate that a lot of women (especially here in the comment sections) think men should only talk when (and only when) men’s opinion is in accordance with this woman’s liking, as is the case of this very post.

    How are you going to keep men’s concern out of a conversation that is 50% about them (love, marriage, sex, etc.) and expect to get anywhere or anything done? Do you women need man’s approval to tell your opinion in the conversation? NO. Then why should a man has to get your approval to give relationship advice when a lot of other women clearly want to listen to him and like what he has to say?

    How about you just stop following the guy? How about you just stop listening to him? How hard it would be for you to never ever ever ever ever and never give press coverage to a no name, no credited qualifications, relationships expert (or whatever) again? Guess what? There are a lot of women who agree with the screen shot statement. And, you just give this guy more followers!

    And by the way, I’m completely all about the following statement: SEXY IS THE WOMAN i WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH, BEAUTIFUL IS THE WOMAN I WANT TO SPEND MY LIFE WITH. What is so wrong with me for thinking that?

  • Chillyroad

    You’re giving out relationship advice no one asked for. Please read the article.

  • Chillyroad

    And let’s not act as if women don’t go to their girls friends first or in liue of.

  • Chillyroad

    And parents need to monitor the sites their children visit. You cant censor what adults say because children might be around.

  • ChillyRoad

    Ive been over at What About Our Daughters and Gina McCauley has a series on being a highly effective person. Its something I think all the black women at Clutch should check out. Black women need to stat being proactive instead of reactive. One of the ideas she speaks about is the difference between your circle of concern and your circle of influence. Black women need to limit her circle of concern to people who dont mean her any good. If they happen to be unqualified male celebrities doling out relationship advice, then get them out of your circle of concern .or at least understand that there is little you can do about those in your circle of concern Your circle of influence are those you actually have influence over. They DO NOT include unqualified male celebrities doling out relationship advice. You can influence the young impressionable women around you before the unqualified male celebrities doling out relationship advice gets to them.

    How much time will black women continue to cry about people she has no influence over (Beyonce, Kim Kardashian, Kayne, Lil Wayne, Micheal Ealy, white women, etc.) while completely ignoring the people she does have some influence over, her sisters, nieces, cousins, friends, etc.?

    When I hear black women say they wished Beyonce would just “go away” I wondered if Beyonce was sharing a bed with them, or a house, or a work space. When I realized she probably wasnt I wondered why would Beyonce need to just “go away” when these black women could just ignore her. Turn the channel, go read a book, skip the blog post, turn off the radio and listen to some classical music.

    Seriously ladies, we dont need to Fight Back against anything except our willingness to ignore what we can actually do for the things we have little control over.

    Please note, my mentioning of McCauley and her website and her recent series is not in any way shape or form an endorsement of her broader ideas.

  • Guess

    Oops! Accidentally downgraded your comment.. I agree wholeheartedly…

  • Guess

    My accidental downgrade was for MimiLuvs. These so-called adult males need to be more reponsible & consider the impact of this foolishness and mothers need to really instill the value of self-love & individuality in the daughters.

  • Chillyroad

    Additionally Greg Behrendrt wrote He’s Just Not That Into You. It was featured on the mega hit show Sex and the City and was made into a movie. He is a comedian writer artist etc.

  • Chillyroad


    You couldn’t be more right. It’s really insulting to refer to their female audience as sheep as if she wouldn’t mind a flock of her own.

    I think a lot of these women are upset because of the race and gender if the messenger.

  • Chillyroad


    I think the popularity of these men’s books shows and movies speak otherwise. If no one was asking for advice they wouldn’t have as audience.

    I think some people don’t want to compete in the market place of ideas. They are simply policing the competition.

  • LemonNLime

    Soooo I looked him up and guess what I found: 1. The “relationship book” he is hawking and 2. his mugshot! I knew it!!!

  • LemonNLime

    “Chey B. is a God fearing man, father, Life & Relationship Coach, author, motivational speaker, blogger, radio personality, and is getting ready to publish his first book on relationships titled “Food, Sex & Peace of Mind” (What A Woman Needs To Know To Keep A Man)! Chey B’s mission is to enlighten and empower women, and encourage men to be the best men they can be. ”

    Notice no where in there does it say HUSBAND? Who is taking advice from him? Most of his professional experience is working at the Y!

    It is sad how predictable these dudes are, seriously.

  • LemonNLime

    “Chey B. is a God fearing man, father, Life & Relationship Coach, author, motivational speaker, blogger, radio personality, and is getting ready to publish his first book on relationships titled “Food, Sex & Peace of Mind” (What A Woman Needs To Know To Keep A Man)! Chey B’s mission is to enlighten and empower women, and encourage men to be the best men they can be. ”

    Notice no where in there does it say HUSBAND? Who is taking advice from him? Most of his professional experience is working at the Y!

    It is sad how predictable these dudes are, seriously.

  • mr.vicious

    good one chilly

  • Chillyroad


    Which proves my point. They don’t have a problem with advice per se. They just want the advice to be what they want to hear. Some people are being disingenuous.

  • Mademoiselle

    Agreed. I do think a lot of people prefer to invalidate other people’s opinions just because it’s different from theirs, rather than any other reason. If your point is so spot on, though, you should be able to get people to hear and agree with you without having to silence anyone. Tyrese, Steve, and all these other trolls are only threats if the people who disagree with them can’t convince people to disagree with them too.

  • http://gravatar.com/mimiandy1683 MimiLuvs

    And you are correct.
    I don’t expect these “relationship advice columnists” to censor their opinions, but I also believe that they should think (really think) about the advice they post because some of the sh*t that they post is hypocritical and contradictory.

  • YeahRight2011

    Family usually offers the best advice if you want a male perspective. They know you and will give you advice based on what they know about you versus a stranger who’ll give you advice based on their limited experience with humanity. After that board certified psychiatrists; because their advice is meant to help you, not make everyone else comfortable by shaming you.

  • http://melodymoose.deviantart.com/ Catpopstar

    The problem with these guys if that they expect women to bend over backwards to meet their demands and yet they wont do that for women. Well, heres my demand: stop trying to put me in some stereotypical box because of my gender and maybe I’ll stop confusing you for an asshole looking for a human being to attach itself to.

  • http://www.kaytahackman.com Kayta

    The worst is when they write books and try to sell you ‘workshops’ and ‘conferences’. No.

  • BriA

    No one is completely discounting the advice or getting mad because it’s not what we want to hear. I’m just over men telling us what we need to do to get them. Everyone can use some self improvement and all the advice seems to border on the line of “men are perfect” and ladies if you want us treat us like a king/cook for us/clean for us/have sex with us when we feel like it/shut up and don’t talk/lose weight/gain weight/get darker/get lighter/ wear weaves/stop wearing weaves….you see where I’m going with this. And while the men are making all these demands, many of them aren’t even willing to give 25% effort. Most women would love nothing more than to totally and completely devoted to a man and give her all to them, but all these opportunists who are so damn insecure and use women up emotionally & physically to try & fill some void that they have, we have to have to keep our guard up.

  • Kema

    Knowing the right thing to do in a relationship =/= doing the right thing in a relationship.

  • Kema

    I was wondering the same thing about that statement. Seems pretty accurate to me. Was this an example of the ‘terrible messages’? If not I think one should have been included.

  • Chillyroad

    No your problem is that it’s far easier,dramatic , or just exciting to argue back and forth instead of just tuning our. It’s very simple.

  • Chillyroad


    You’re right. May the best argument win.

  • Chillyroad

    It’s not desperation it’s cowardice. Most people don’t need the advice because its common sense. People don’t have the courage to do what’s right. They rather wallow in drama and strife for that bit of excitement and self righteousness. Or maybe they are likewise just as low down.

  • PBR

    So basically he is a never married baby daddy. I wish I would take relationship advice from a baby daddy (not)

  • PBR

    Unfortunately there is a crop of black women on social media who would do or say anything for a head pat from a black man. I just block them, because trying to school them on their desperation is like fitting a square into a circle. Their desperation runs deep, like from childhood and not having a father. They will unfortunately learn the hard lesson soon, that dedicated d-riding only gets you more single and more OOW kids.

  • j in nyc

    Y’know, as a guy, I also wonder why any woman would listen to these self-professed “experts” who are as about as real as synthetic hair.

    They are pimps of a special kind: they exploit your emotions. They get into the whole “why you’re still single thing” because they hear all these stats on unmarried black women, their chances of being married, and the loooong list of movies and books by and for “lonely” and “disrespected” black women who are part of a victimization chorus that is actually a market literally worth millions to television networks and book publishers.

    So what these guys are really doing is taking your own b.s. and selling it back to you.

    I’m here to tell you ladies, you don’t need any of these clowns. You don’t need an advice blog, you don’t need a “fix me” book, you don’t need a t.v. network.

    You only need a mirror.

    All you have to do is look into it, be honest with yourself, then accept yourself — the good and the bad. Then accept that there will be some men who are really screwed up, and some that are not so screwed up.

    Because the truth is, like you, we’re all a little screwed up.

    Love is not about finding perfection, or doing something to impress some fool. It’s about finding someone you can be screwed up with and him accepting how screwed up you are, and you doing the same.

    Then you live your screwed up lives together.

    None of these online dimwits will tell you that because they’d rather you keep making stupid mistakes so you can come back to them, just like pimps.

  • EST. 1986 (GO RAVENS)


    How does that make any sense?

    It makes even less sense when the gender is changed. For example: “Sexy is the man I want to spend the night with, handsome is the man I want to spend my life with.”

    This man said that a woman with three visible tattoos if a ‘ho’. Do you agree with that too? Why do tattoos on a woman have a different meaning than when they are on men?

    The problem isn’t that women don’t want men to speak unless his opinion is in line with hers. The problem is that more often than not, men are very contradicting with their ‘advice’. They don’t want to help women. They want women to change to fit what they want when they aren’t bringing anything good to the table.

  • EST. 1986 (GO RAVENS)

    If I didn’t know any better I would think that you are obsessed with Beyonce. What does she have to do with this conversation?

  • The Ravens Will Be The Super Bowl Champions

    How does that make any sense?

    It makes even less sense when the gender is changed. For example: “Sexy is the man I want to spend the night with, handsome is the man I want to spend my life with.”

    This man said that a woman with three visible tattoos if a ‘ho’. Do you agree with that too? Why do tattoos on a woman have a different meaning than when they are on men?

    The problem isn’t that women don’t want men to speak unless his opinion is in line with hers. The problem is that more often than not, men are very contradicting with their ‘advice’. They don’t want to help women. They want women to change to fit what they want when they aren’t bringing anything good to the table.

  • The Ravens Will Be The Super Bowl Champions


  • Kacey

    Thank You!!!!!

  • Kacey


    The black women who are looking to these false prophets are so thirsty for a “good black man”, they are willing to subject themselves to any demeaning lecture on how unworthy they are. They believe that they haven’t found this “good black man” yet because they must be doing something wrong, not accepting the reality that there are just too few of these unicorns around for them. If they would open themselves to dating men of all races (i.e. concentrate on the “good” and “man” part and forget about whether he’s black or not) they would put these idiots out of business.

  • http://defendingmoney.wordpress.com Marketing Gimmicks

    A lot of these so called relationship experts are small time ambulance chasers who are doing their damnedest to jumpstart careers and build followings from ignorant, desperate and lonely sheeple.

    We get it brothers. We’re not loved or validated by you because if you truly embraced your role as protector and provider in our lives the culture of power would tear you a new hide like Kunta. Many black women have accepted the myth that they’re to blame for the singleness when the truth is the black family as a whole has always been under siege.

    Let’s get to the culprit at hand: The culture of power has never been interested in seeing us together and happy. Period. And they aren’t about to start just because of who’s in the White House. It’s easy to wade in shallow waters of he said she said and article after article of steam blowing up our a*ses. But let’s roll up our sleeves and talk real talk. Intention and Design.

    We don’t own: businesses, are an overwhelmingly disproportionate part of the “for profit” business model called prison (The New Jim Crow), still deal with disenfranchisement based on skin color and light skin privilege and to boot PSTD in the form of ancestral memory. Many in our communities aren’t healed, are broken, mentally ill, lack shelter, live in poverty…but yet somehow by gosh darn it magic sisters should be able to finagle getting a man if we lay our weave tracks right and blow up our asses with injected formaldehyde. C’mon son.

    Many brothers are blaming sisters for the black community’s problems because it’s a convenient (and quite impotent) scapegoat choice to absolve themselves from accountability. Accountability to us. Unity with us. Black men intuitively know what will really happen if they ever made true collaborative attempts to protect and provide for their women. They’ll get annihilated. That’s what. I’m married to a loving supportive, gentle, creative and awesome black man and trust me when I tell you that some folks (in my grandmama’s voice) don’t like it one bit. Cause they don’t like anything that takes them out of the equation. Black love is very threatening to the culture of power.

    So. It’s much more easier to point the finger of blame for our very human faults and shortcomings than to really stand your ground with the real enemy. Honestly whenever I hear a brother blathering on about what sisters need to do it really only points to how impotent they are in being the men we really need them to be.

    If you goal is to validate what most of us already feel: you don’t have our backs and you aren’t our protector…then proceed and continue to cash your shallow paychecks.

    But buyer beware sisters. Stop funding ignorance and look within.

  • http://defendingmoney.wordpress.com Marketing Gimmicks

    I entirely appreciate your sincere and genuine comment.

  • http://gravatar.com/morningrain86 The RAVENS ARE Super Bowl Champs

    *excuse the typos

  • http://twitter.com/divalocity Vonmiwi Culvera (@divalocity)

    From Micheal Baisden to Steve Harvey and even the lesser known ones see a major cash crop playing on the insecurities of black and other women and they know it. They know how to profit very easily off of the ever supportive and loyal black woman.

    They are the so-called experts to those women who are desperate enough to believe them and can be sold a pipe dream by any man who supposedly knows what it is that men want in a woman.

    This has become a cottage industry for many black men to make money and to get ratings off of the relationship insecurity of black women with black men leading in revenue.

    You fight back by not buying their books and not attending their conferences that they claim will transform and empower black women. How can they transform anybody? All they see are dollar signs and they know who to pimp.

    I have decided I will not participate in this foolishness. My time and money have better uses.

  • http://twitter.com/divalocity Vonmiwi Culvera (@divalocity)

    They know a cash crop when they see one and they’re harvesting all that they can get.

  • Stanley

    @ EST. 1986 (GO RAVENS)
    @The RAVENS ARE Super Bowl Champs
    @The Ravens Will Be The Super Bowl Champions
    Your sense comes more into question than Mr. Chey B’s statement. Have you ever heard this?

    **Beauty Is More Than Skin Deep**

    Yes you do.

    Now, do you think Mr. Chey B’s statement is different than this very popular cliche?
    Is it really that hard for you understand that beautiful is far more than the outside we refer to here by SEXY?
    Are you just disagreeing for the sake of disagreement?

  • Actually . . . .

    Seems to me that people wouldn’t know, in such minute detail, what the dating gurus are saying if they occupied themselves with activities and interests that stimulated their intellect and non-sexual energies, rather than just their emotions and sex urges.

    Else how do you know what the dating gurus are saying unless like “writer” here you go trolling their websites looking for something to get offended about or someone to tell you how to get laid?

    You can literally educate yourself from beginner to expert in almost any field of inquiry using the internet, but all these idiots know to do is complain about sh*t they actively seek out.

    You are getting what you ask for and what you look for.

  • Chillyroad


    It looks like someone just got caught red handed.

  • http://gravatar.com/cocovabarbie KemaVA

    “How does that make any sense?

    It makes even less sense when the gender is changed. For example: “Sexy is the man I want to spend the night with, handsome is the man I want to spend my life with.””

    First problem right there… Trying to see if it makes sense with gender switched. I’ll try to explain it.

    You know the chick that looks like she just stepped out of a hip hop music video? Thats sexy. A man wants to do her but probably doesnt think she’s a good candidate as the future mother of his child. Michelle Obama… Thats beautiful. He see’s her and wants to build.

    Women dont usually want to waste time dealing with dudes they KNOW they dont want longterm.

  • Chelley5483

    With my 30th birthday approaching at an aggressive speed lol, I’ve learned to ask myself one question. What do I want and need? Sounds corny? Yes. But I swear every time I feel like I could have made the relationship with my daughters’ father work if I just cooked more fabulous dishes, wore more lingerie, kept the house a little cleaner, didn’t voice my opinion as much, was never visibly exhausted after a long day’s work, etc. I go back to the question.

    I was once the woman who read all the books and went on all the forums about what black men want. I was desperate not to give my girls a broken home so I became Martha Stewart by day and Pinky at night. Because isn’t that what men want? Literally five years of meals mostly from scratch straight off the food network (literally) and various cookbooks, taking excellent care of our 2 girls (if I do say so myself, lol), most of these years I worked full-time and a part-time 2nd shift job but nevertheless kept the house clean, didn’t let him lift a finger when it came to PTO meetings, sick kids, laundry or dishes, worked out 4-5 times a week to “keep it tight”, laid it down in the bedroom with uncomfortable outfits he enjoyed, paid for date nights every other date to reassure him I was “independent”, believed in his dreams (like all the books said), researched various business opportunities he looked to invest in, rooted for the Green Bay Packers like it was nobody’s business. These things amongst other things..

    I swear it was like one day I woke up and realized I was soooo into everything that this man wanted that I had no clue what I wanted or how radically unfulfilled I was. I can recall a couple of occasions where he played into some of my needs of affection, stimulating conversation and being more proactive when it came to our girls but it was not an everyday conscious effort like mine would be to “keep him”. He’s stable and financially responsible and that is huge with me. But he’s also moody, judgmental, a momma’s-boy, arrogant, and what caused our demise, unfaithful.

    Ladies, don’t believe the hype. These books only show you how to be a doormat robot of a woman. Live your life, when you do fall in love, love hard but love yourself harder. If a man can’t accept that you’re not perfect when you are trying your hardest then you won’t be able to accept that they’re not perfect. That’s how we’re rolling these days. If the effort is mutual I’m sure it’s a beautiful thing though.

  • Chelley5483

    … funniest thing I’ve heard in a while.

  • Chelley5483

    @ Chillyroad. Absolutely have to agree with you here. Not sure about the thumbs down on this one.

  • Chelley5483

    … And we can now go one ahead and close down the comments section for this article. J in NYC said it all. Lol.

    Love your outlook on this J.

  • Whateverhappenedtolikingaman

    Don’t read this post because it probably constitutes advice you didn’t ask for.


    There’s a difference between doing things because you love the man and doing things to make the man stay with you, with the ulterior motive of using him as a means to secure your financial position.

    The latter is what your litany read like to me.

    Most men just want to be with a woman they like a lot and whom likes them back a lot.

    What don’t you people get?

    Do any of you people actually like a man?

    Not because he’s cute, smart, a good provider or because he got swag, can ya just like a man for no reason other than you like THIS guy. Worth a try.

  • http://tontonmichel.tumblr.com/ Tonton Michel

    “Women dont usually want to waste time dealing with dudes they KNOW they dont want longterm.”

    Thats a lie.

  • Tara

    Very well stated!!!!!! Black women and there desperation for the love and acceptance of black men is cringeworthy. The way that black women love them is not returned at all.

  • Tara

    I agree. And you may or may not agree with me but what black women need to do is expand their horizons like black men do. They dont and that is why black women are in the position they are in. Men and women are equally flawed.

  • Tara

    I started reading this book called “What men want” It was by Dr. Ean (a black male doc) and I got through the first couple of chapters and threw the book out. The book was about how to please them. Everything is about them Ladies dont fall for that. They are taking advantage of the fact that there are more eligible black women and so few available black men. I personally am interested in dating ALL men and have started doing so. Trust me, it makes life a lot easier. I have no problem with getting a man. I have no problems getting along with black men. But they consider themselves the prize. We have a race of men who consider themselves a prize to us and a race of women who worship them. smh :(

  • Chelley5483

    Yup I loved him, nope not for financial gains, I made more money than him, I’m only saying that to put things in perspective, not to boast.

    The main point of my comment was know what you want and need first. In my relationship the EFFORT was not reciprocated. I love men. How the hell do you get to jump to asinine conclusions about me? The reason why I read into all the “What Men Want” b.s. is because I LOVED this man! My high school sweetheart, been together since I was 15, he 17. I guess you totally glazed over the fact that I said I didn’t want a broken home, somehow someway this to you sounds like a golddigger??


    You say..

    “Not because he’s cute, smart, a good provider or because he got swag, can ya just like a man for no reason other than you like THIS guy. Worth a try.”

    What sir, are your reasons for liking a woman? Am I supposed to want an ugly, dumb, awful provider? This is silly. I didn’t simply LIKE this guy, it was just a tad bit deeper than that. But you don’t know me and I don’t know you so I suppose bad assumptions would be the name of the game here.

    Still though, I appreciate your criticism, albeit 100% flawed.

    The bottom line still stands, ladies. As opposed to getting wrapped up in every facet of the man you love as all these books and forums suggest, remember the things you used to love too. Know that you are flawed coming into a relationship as well as your partner. Don’t just accept his flaws and attempt to be the perfect little housewife, you’ll drive yourself ragged. There’s a thing called BALANCE. I was stating MY experience which taught me a hard lesson about making sure a relationship suits me and not just my partner.

  • Tara

    Black women are a cash cow. Unfortunately.

  • Tara

    Yeah one had the nerve to research my comments about michael ealy. If these men were doing so well in the relationship department, they wouldnt be here commenting. They would be somewhere hugged up with their “boo”.

  • Tara

    Oops! their desperation

  • JRW

    ish like this makes me 38 hot. Men are ALWAYS trying to give relationship advice that fall along the line of ‘feed us, fuck us, leave us the FUCK alone”. Ever try to give a man relationship advice? they dont wanna listen to wat u as a woman have to say abt how they as men interact with women (even though I’M the one who can’t leave my house without being whopped hollered at and followed cuz they’ve never seen a woman in public b4 -_-). Alot of men dont value women, and when u call them on it they’re favorite insult is ‘bitter and angry’ because as a woman there’s no way you be rational with all that estrogen……


    Yes I do what?

    And, I don’t even know how to respond to the rest of your comment because it just make no sense to me.

  • EST. 1986 (Ravens Nation)

    Well, you did TRY to explain.

  • Kay

    You can “like” someone but a relationship is not strictly built on that. There’s respect, trust, compromise and communication. And if one person is not doing the work or if both partners are not doing it, no amount of “like,” will make it work. For instance, you can love a man’s quick wit and sense of humor, but if he’s financially irresponsible, no amount of wit will save you when creditors begin to call. This doesn’t mean you can’t like or respect a man if he has faults or flaws, of course you can, as no one is perfect. But there’s a certain level of compatibility that has to go along with relationships and what seems good on paper may not work in real life. And a relationship is a two way street. Both people need to be thinking about the other person’s needs too and not just taking from the relationship.

  • Kay

    Yep. You’ve got relationships in a nutshell. I always thought that relationships are a lot like losing weight. There are no magic potions, crystal balls etc. It’s just a lot of work and sacrifice. No magical advice, dvd, book or guru needed.

  • CanV

    Dude you’re missing the overall point of the article. Read it again…slowly this time. Okay?

  • Shay


  • Whateverhappenedtolikingaman

    Definately don’t want to read this post.


    I’m talking from a wanting to be liked and appreciated just for the way you are, point of view. Not about liking someone or for a single personality trait that doesn’t define who they are as a whole person

    A lot of men who meet a woman who appreciates them in the total and unconditional way I’m speaking of won’t date her because they don’t feel worthy of the trust she places in them. They know themselves, but she doen’t so they protect her – from themselves..

    That’s what trust is woman, a belief that someone won’t hurt you even though you don’t know that for sure. You’d only invest trust in a man because you like him enough to take the risk.

    Most men treat realness like that very delicately, whichever way they decide to go with it.

    You’re trying to eliminate risk, well that’s impossible I’m afraid, even with people who seem ideal on paper as Chelley5483′s post testifies to.

    But I’d say liking a man is probably the best firewall against being dun wrong. Making it so that the man has to “earn” your “affection” is setting yourself up for all kinds of “get her before she gets me” exploitation.

    take it or leave it.

  • Whateverhappenedtolikingaman


    “What sir, are your reasons for liking a woman?”

    Lots of reasons when it’s platonic, not sure when it’s deeper than that. And btw I’m often attracted to women who aren’t conventionally attractive. All I know is – if I like ya, I like ya, and if I’m with you, the first thing I’ll tell anyone who asks why I’m with you is – because I like her.

    “Am I supposed to want an ugly, dumb, awful provider? This is silly.”

    I’m not telling you what to want. Would an “ugly, dumb, awful provider” be your only alternative? If it is why not make it a man you like?

    You got what you wanted, but it didn’t last inspite off the extra lengths you say you went to, to make it work.

    What struck me in your comment was the absence of any reference to your feelings for the man. You, yourself stressed what was important to you when you said:

    “He’s stable and financially responsible and that is huge with me.”

    That’s not sexy and it’s not beautiful. Kinda cold and practical.

    Maybe he felt the same way . . .

  • Chelley5483

    Thank you Kay for explaining it better than me. I agree, yes there is the initial attraction, the “liking” of a person, that does NOT keep a relationship going though. Period.

    “Both people need to be thinking about the other person’s needs too and not just taking from the relationship.”

    BINGO! Seriously this is all that I was trying to say.

  • Chelley5483

    @ whateverhappenedtolikingaman

    “What struck me in your comment was the absence of any reference to your feelings for the man. You, yourself stressed what was important to you when you said:” …

    I definitely get what you mean here. In my original comment I was mainly referencing the potential danger in reading into all of the books and methods that Steve Harvey and his kind speak about. Hence the “litany” in my 2nd paragraph. I was listing everything these books tell you to do to be a good woman. I was more so trying to stress these things in reference to the actual article as opposed to personal feelings as none of these books speak of feelings but more the “methodology” that women should take up to please their man.

    Stability and financial responsibility are huge with me, I’m not ashamed of saying that one bit. Growing up I’ve been to 15 different schools all over the east coast and evicted left and right due to my parent’s “instability and lack of financial responsibility” so to have a working household with two good parents who are stable for my girls means the absolute world to me. Not for my love of designer bags and shoes or no sh!t like that.. Rather for my kids’ to have a shot at a solid upbringing. It might sound cold but I stand behind it.

    Also it’s funny that you say that you go for women are not conventionally attractive. I do the same. When I met my children’s father NO ONE saw what I saw in him but he was different then, more caring. Time, kids, bills, stress of adulthood, etc. seemed to change that and that was the issue. It didn’t change me it changed him and I had to stop fighting for someone who years ago decided to stop fighting for me. Again, it all comes down to effort, it MUST go both ways. Both parties have to continually do things to make their partner feel appreciated and understood. When it becomes a one way street, that’s when the Steve Harvey type books become pointless.

    In an effort to stop my comments on this article from being a short autobiography I’ll leave it there, lmao.

  • http://Clutch SL

    Your article made me lol!

    “These women are now on starting lineup for Team Bad Decisions and the feedback they’re getting from these FAUXPERTS is chipping away at their confidence.”

    I don’t think these women had much confidence to begin with – someone who has confidence wouldn’t fall so easily – so it says a lot about just how UN-CONFIDENT they really are – they don’t who to believe – don’t know who is right or wrong – sad

  • http://Clutch SL

    @ J in NYC

    Masterfully well said!

  • http://Clutch SL

    Whoa!!! Naked truth right here y’all!!! Close it down and tell the truth! The whole truth!

  • Me & my big heart

    I thought it was just me who was irritated by these married smug settled men. Enough of their pearls of wisdom. Go lecture the non committal, irresponsible, mummy’s boys. Ps I am not generalising about all men, just the one’s who might need his advice LOL

  • Rosey

    Most of the men I know on facebook and twitter who try and drop “relationship gems” to women can’t even keep a woman themselves. You sir, are no expert!

  • Furious Styles

    I see a lot of tirades in here towards the Steve Harveys and Michael Baisdens of the world…many of the tirades are well deserved. AND also, there is a demand for the “male perspective” that translates into dollars and cents, books, blogs, and workshops. Believe it or not, there are men who know that women don’t exist to make our lives easier. I am one of them. I know that women worry about and value things other than relationships and don’t define themselves by the presence (or lack thereof) of a man. AND at many events centered around relationships, or obliquely centered around them in the form of mixers, women hilariously outnumber men. Many of the popular relationship blogs (again, women outnumber the men as community members there) have “panels” of usually MEN where often, their only qualifications are that they went to school, have a job, a car, and a suit–in other words are just functional adults. Not trying to be a smart ass or start a fight, just asking out of genuine curiosity as a man, if women are tired of being “coached” by uncredentialed men, why don’t they vote with their feet and avoid these events UNLESS women are there as speakers and agenda-setters? Or is it just the women writing here who aren’t going to these relationship forums? Also, for those of you who sought relationship advice (in the past), would you/did you take it more seriously if it came from a man versus a woman? This is not a rhetorical question; inquiring minds really do want to know.

  • http://Clutch SL

    @chelley – feel for you. Sometimes we go through a lot before we learn.

    I’m no relationship expert, but I’ve never “laid it down” in an effort to try to keep my husband. Either he wants to be here or he doesn’t. Any other way and it won’t work.

    Now, I’m not neglectful of any of the things you mentioned, but I don’t do that stuff for him- I do it for me! He happens to benefit, because he’s with me.

    Your feelings about yourself matters most (and I’m not saying be narcissistic – not at all). I never felt I had to do anything other than be me – never felt I had to try and “keep” any man…cause in the end if he doesn’t want to be there, he won’t be.

    Trying to keep a man/husband means you are competing. My mindset was not competing. Never felt I had to compete to win him the first time – why compete to keep him? Either he is with you or he’s not. Either he is going to be faithful or he’s not.

  • http://myfemalepersuasion.wordpress.com myfemalepersuasion

    I do think the relationship expert you’re referring to must be at the extreme end of the horrible ones. I too, am sick of seeing all this relationship advice from men who obviously hate women, but I’m also baffled by black womens’ eagerness to sop up all this “advice.” And I often wonder who these co-signers surround themselves with to buy into all the “hoe-talk.” Where is their self-esteem? And what makes them buy into these theories. As long as it’s big business, we will continue to be bombarded. Everywhere you turn, there’s a man telling a woman what she needs to do to become worthy of love. A mess. (It’s funny you included a picture of the very expert I was thinking of.

  • EST. 1986

    The women who agree with the trash these men spew are usually women who are male-identified.

  • http://gravatar.com/luxurydiva luxurydiva

    I read that book also and it is very evident that Dr. Ian extremely narcissistic. So glad for the public library.He was just jumping on the bandwagon. I think it should’ve been titled what “Dr. Ian Wants” because it was from the angle of so-called good catch’ brothas (advanced degree, physically fit, no baby mama, money in the bank) who feel that they don;t have to do anything. He even had a seminar here in Chicago that he was charging admission and VIP access..please! Funny how he doesn’t talk about how he dated his wife for SIXTEEN years before he married her. I mean none of these guys (with the exception of Steve Harvey, who states that he is a manhood expert not on relationships) admit the wrongs that they have done in the past.

  • Me

    Lol LOL I can’t say enough! You are so right!
    This topic is soooo OVER! Ok so what, I’ve been happily married for 13 years I hope and pray that if I was to suddenly be single I will understand that this is as much BS then as it is Today!!. So many of the Do Not’s these mean sprout apply to me and yet I have a handsome BROTHA who adores me. BTW I have a few of those desperate friends and I swear I am the only voice of reason they hear.

  • http://gravatar.com/loverloverlovertalia kiki

    Good comment. the problem is very simple…too many black men today expect their mates to be as self-sacrificing as Mama was. Romantic love is NOT unconditional and few women will ‘suffer’ for the company of a man who is taking more than he’s willing to give.

  • http://gravatar.com/keimia Kam

    ” if women are tired of being “coached” by uncredentialed men, why don’t they vote with their feet and avoid these events UNLESS women are there as speakers and agenda-setters”

    Because women aren’t monolithic. I’m sure there are many women that enjoy going to these events and taking the advice. I’m not and I don’t think a lot of the women here are.

    “Also, for those of you who sought relationship advice (in the past), would you/did you take it more seriously if it came from a man versus a woman? ”

    It doesn’t matter whether they are a man or woman, rather what matters to me is their success in relationships. I get great advice from the men in my life about relationships. These are men who have been married for decades. Never have I once been told that the success to a marriage is me cooking and cleaning. And as a child of two parents in a long term successful marriage (and they are very much still in love) these kinds of advice seem like a joke. Like I can’t believe any time this topic comes up it never progresses beyond the most basic of things like “She gotta be fit, she gotta cook”.Sadly, I know many people have not had examples of successful relationships and marriages and so they feel like these authors provide valuable advice.

  • Furious Styles

    “And as a child of two parents in a long term successful marriage (and they are very much still in love) these kinds of advice seem like a joke. Like I can’t believe any time this topic comes up it never progresses beyond the most basic of things like “She gotta be fit, she gotta cook”.Sadly, I know many people have not had examples of successful relationships and marriages and so they feel like these authors provide valuable advice.”
    You’re lucky. The “Relationship Advice Industrial Complex” has become the surrogate in the absence of examples of healthy relationships. If people had what you had, there would be no need for anybody to sell quick fixes, routines, and 90-day rules.

  • http://www.myfemalepersuasion.wordpress.com myfemalepersuasion

    That is so true. Most women I know grew up in some sort of dysfunctional parenting situation.

  • http://www.myfemalepersuasion.wordpress.com myfemalepersuasion

    That is very true. Most women I know grew up in a dysfunctional parenting situation.

  • Marisa

    I pull a Bridget Jones Diary and hit them with that marriage/relationship that doesn’t end well stat shuts them up real quick. Or I go you know they say misery loves company and those whose own situation are screwed cant wait for people to join them, that’s where all that advising comes from. If your happy with yours be happy with yours and only advise if your asked other than that SHUT UP. I swear some folks what a couple episodes of Fix Your Life and think their Iyanla.

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