ClivePicture it.

You’re on your way to work, checking your Blackberry as you rush down the street, when you bump into a man.  Not just any man, an Adonis.  He gives his apologies, pays you a compliment and you engage in brief chit-chat before eventually exchanging numbers and heading on your way.  Later that evening he calls and you spend the entire night into the morning getting to know him.  This Adonis is all you’ve been looking for.  He’s tall, dark, handsome, college educated, stable career, decent credit, owns a condo, athletic, has never been in jail, no kids, loves his momma…the works!  Over the weekend you two head out on a date and have a fantastic time, sparks fly.

A few more dates go by and you learn that he is more than ready to settle down and have kids, matter of fact, his views on marriage and family life practically mirror your own.  Score!  You start to think ‘Where has this man been all my life!  Could my search be over?’ Later that night he calls you to tell you how much he likes you and enjoys being with you, you gladly return the compliment and just as you feel yourself floating up to cloud nine he says “I really like you and would love to get to know you better, but I must be honest.  I’m bisexual.”

Pause for dramatic effect.

Oddly enough this scenario is not that farfetched.  Mega music mogul Clive Davis just admitted in his recently released memoir that he is bisexual and currently in a relationship with a man despite having been married twice to women.  We’ll just assume his wives knew because, well, I’m sure we all knew before he told us.  Anyway, on paper Clive, and many like him, meet every single qualification on the lists many women keep and appear to be perfect marriage material, except for the fact that they are bisexual men.  So what happens now?  Do you scratch a man off the list and call your girls to complain, yet again, about how you can’t find a good man?  But wait, he is a good man….isn’t he?  The plight of the single black woman is well documented; a simple Google search will yield tons of articles discussing our issues when it comes to marriage.  Last year Ralph Banks, a writer for The Wall Street Journal, suggested that the solution to our problems would be to simply marry a white man.  Now if white men, who Banks readily admits don’t necessarily want us, need to become an option in order to increase our potential marriage pool, should we also start including bisexual men?

Hear me out.

I’m not talking about homosexual men who are still trapped in R. Kelly’s closet, I’m talking about good, decent, hardworking men who are honest about their sexual desires for other men, yet still sincerely desire to be married and have a family with a woman.  If these men meet all the qualifications we as black women are seeking, should they be counted out simply because they have slept with men?  Does the fact that they sleep with men automatically negate their ‘Good Black Man’ status and husband potential?  Straight men marry bisexual women all the time without blinking an eye, a bisexual woman’s preferences rarely, if ever, take her out of the running when it comes to marriage and motherhood.  Why couldn’t this be the case for a bisexual man?  Think of how many more potential husbands and fathers could be added to our supposedly shrinking marriage pool if we opened ourselves up to this idea.

There’s an article over on The Fresh Xpress in which the writer, Rippa, speaks on this topic as it relates to his friend Corey.  Corey is all of the things I’ve mentioned above, he meets the ‘Good Black Man’ standard, and he is also bisexual.  According to Rippa:

“There are many bisexual (and homosexual) men and women who exhibit behavior in line with traditional gender roles up to and including the desire to marry someone they love and are waiting for the day when it will be their turn to pop out some youngins.

But what are the odds that a Black woman would still find this “Good”  Black man to still be a worthwhile catch upon learning that he is bisexual? Would these Black women who are so desperate to find a ‘soul mate’  be willing to consider life with a man who openly and honestly admits to having maintained past relationships with both men and women? If he were to commit to one woman while in a relationship I don’t feel like his sexual history with men would matter any more than a straight man’s sexual history with other women. After all, as a bi man, Corey is DEFINITELY attracted to Black woman.”

So ladies, would you ever consider dating and marrying a bisexual man?  Is a history of sexual relations with men an automatic disqualification for you?  Why? Do you think there is a double standard when it comes to marrying bisexual men as opposed to bisexual women?

  • SL

    No, I understtood your comment. I just weighed it against the larger back drop that has consumed our community. I’ve been hearing the institution of marriage being questioned for sometime now in our community and the current trending strongly suggests that many feel it is not necessary – much to the detriment of the larger community as a whole.

    First, I do not think that ANYONE should rush to the alter. So we ABSOLUTELY AGREE with each other. There are people who should never marry!

    What I don’t understand is why we view marriage as a competitor to self-fulfillment and self-realization. We act as if these things are mutually exclusive – either you have to have one or the other but you can not have both. I do not believe that is correct thinking. Most people can manage careers and families – very few of us have careers that consume us in total where we can’t think about anything else. Truth be told, I think we use that as an excuse because we’ve been met with disappointment.

    So right now, we have a bunch of misguided stunted people who are INCAPABLE of being in relationship longterm.

    We have raised an entire generation now who did not witness marriage in their households – or they witnessed people getting married who had no business getting married – so the first thing they do is slam it or disregard it and to me that is so damaging. We’ve raised a generation of people who are reaching for something to fill the God-given needs in their life – yet they are doing it in a deviant way that will utlimately destroy their life.

    Marrying a man who is bisexual is like putting a loaded gun to your head and playing Russian Roulette….

    I don’t see any upside here in the longrun…..

  • http://gravatar.com/ceecollegegal CeeCee

    Clive Davis’ old a$$ announcing that he is bisexual…I mean who cares at this point. -_-.

    Anyway, If I was born before the time that AIDS emerged then I wouldn’t mind dating a bisexual man. But at this present time, when there are so many guys my age who can’t even be honest about living with their mom…then no.

  • Pingback: Solution to SBW Crisis: Black Women Should Just Marry Each Other | Clutch Magazine

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