Should Women Looking To Marry Consider Bisexual Men?

by Danielle Pointdujour

ClivePicture it.

You’re on your way to work, checking your Blackberry as you rush down the street, when you bump into a man.  Not just any man, an Adonis.  He gives his apologies, pays you a compliment and you engage in brief chit-chat before eventually exchanging numbers and heading on your way.  Later that evening he calls and you spend the entire night into the morning getting to know him.  This Adonis is all you’ve been looking for.  He’s tall, dark, handsome, college educated, stable career, decent credit, owns a condo, athletic, has never been in jail, no kids, loves his momma…the works!  Over the weekend you two head out on a date and have a fantastic time, sparks fly.

A few more dates go by and you learn that he is more than ready to settle down and have kids, matter of fact, his views on marriage and family life practically mirror your own.  Score!  You start to think ‘Where has this man been all my life!  Could my search be over?’ Later that night he calls you to tell you how much he likes you and enjoys being with you, you gladly return the compliment and just as you feel yourself floating up to cloud nine he says “I really like you and would love to get to know you better, but I must be honest.  I’m bisexual.”

Pause for dramatic effect.

Oddly enough this scenario is not that farfetched.  Mega music mogul Clive Davis just admitted in his recently released memoir that he is bisexual and currently in a relationship with a man despite having been married twice to women.  We’ll just assume his wives knew because, well, I’m sure we all knew before he told us.  Anyway, on paper Clive, and many like him, meet every single qualification on the lists many women keep and appear to be perfect marriage material, except for the fact that they are bisexual men.  So what happens now?  Do you scratch a man off the list and call your girls to complain, yet again, about how you can’t find a good man?  But wait, he is a good man….isn’t he?  The plight of the single black woman is well documented; a simple Google search will yield tons of articles discussing our issues when it comes to marriage.  Last year Ralph Banks, a writer for The Wall Street Journal, suggested that the solution to our problems would be to simply marry a white man.  Now if white men, who Banks readily admits don’t necessarily want us, need to become an option in order to increase our potential marriage pool, should we also start including bisexual men?

Hear me out.

I’m not talking about homosexual men who are still trapped in R. Kelly’s closet, I’m talking about good, decent, hardworking men who are honest about their sexual desires for other men, yet still sincerely desire to be married and have a family with a woman.  If these men meet all the qualifications we as black women are seeking, should they be counted out simply because they have slept with men?  Does the fact that they sleep with men automatically negate their ‘Good Black Man’ status and husband potential?  Straight men marry bisexual women all the time without blinking an eye, a bisexual woman’s preferences rarely, if ever, take her out of the running when it comes to marriage and motherhood.  Why couldn’t this be the case for a bisexual man?  Think of how many more potential husbands and fathers could be added to our supposedly shrinking marriage pool if we opened ourselves up to this idea.

There’s an article over on The Fresh Xpress in which the writer, Rippa, speaks on this topic as it relates to his friend Corey.  Corey is all of the things I’ve mentioned above, he meets the ‘Good Black Man’ standard, and he is also bisexual.  According to Rippa:

“There are many bisexual (and homosexual) men and women who exhibit behavior in line with traditional gender roles up to and including the desire to marry someone they love and are waiting for the day when it will be their turn to pop out some youngins.

But what are the odds that a Black woman would still find this “Good”  Black man to still be a worthwhile catch upon learning that he is bisexual? Would these Black women who are so desperate to find a ‘soul mate’  be willing to consider life with a man who openly and honestly admits to having maintained past relationships with both men and women? If he were to commit to one woman while in a relationship I don’t feel like his sexual history with men would matter any more than a straight man’s sexual history with other women. After all, as a bi man, Corey is DEFINITELY attracted to Black woman.”

So ladies, would you ever consider dating and marrying a bisexual man?  Is a history of sexual relations with men an automatic disqualification for you?  Why? Do you think there is a double standard when it comes to marrying bisexual men as opposed to bisexual women?

  • Kay

    Hmmm….I guess it’s up to the woman and man in that situation as to whether or not being together is a good idea.

    Ultimately, if someone is bisexual it doesn’t mean that they HAVE to go out and have a relationship with someone else, it simply means that they have openly acknowledged they are willing to be in a relationship with a person who is of either gender. If a person doesn’t want to be confined to a monogamous relationship, then they shouldn’t commit. End of story. But is there a double standard with women as opposed to men? Definitely!! I know women who have had liaisons with women on and off as well as men and their boyfriends are not incensed or disgusted by it. In fact, some of them welcome them, even going so far as to include other women in their marital bed. I think society frames sexual activity between women as something that is really open to the male gaze whereas sexual activity between men is seen as disgusting, filthy and an abomination. Look at what happened with Frank Ocean, who many people derided, as opposed to Nicki Minaj who intimated in more than one song that she may enjoy sex with women, and it only seemed to boost her sales.

  • Tallulah Belle

    Umm,,… how do I say this delicately? No.

  • Tkh

    Hell to the naw bobby!!

  • http://gravatar.com/gatuna The Comment

    I hear the argument. I’m just not convinced

    In San Francisco and other cities where there is a large gay populations, the term MSM is used as not to offend men who do not identify with being gay.

    MSM is the clinical term used when health workers are gathering sex info. This term was also used to replace gay because some men would not cooperate with health workers because they insisted they are not gay. They told health workers they would not fall in love with another man they were having sex with nor were they not overtly feminine. These men did not feel the need to rally behind gay rights and do not identify with the LBGT community. Not the cause. Not the legacy.

    Now I have a problem with that because…well….just because you are a football player who likes to sleep with men…that does not give you the right to separate yourself from other men who sleep overnight in front of H&M to buy the same Versus shirt a woman wants.

    Just seems very hypocritical to me. I understand being sexual fluid. Testing the waters on both sides of the pond w/o making a commitment to one or the other. But to segregate urself into this whole new category of men for the sake of not looking gay doesn’t seem like it is going in the right direction.

    Funnel money into more research so we can understand what Mr. Davis is saying. Cause who really knows. I am BEYOND judging someone based on whatever.
    I really don’t give a f*ck about who u f*ck.

    And I applaud any man/woman who opens up and tell the truth about themselves to a love partner about anything these days.

  • Rakel

    Interesting article. I know I would appreciate the honesty. But I can’t see it happening for me and a bisexual man.

  • http://www.urbanexpressive.com J. Nicole

    Just because someone identifies as bisexual doesn’t mean they’re sneaking back & forth between men & women, leaving a trail of broken hearts and confusion. I think some women will say no out of fear that he may not actually be bi, but a closeted gay man hooking up with men behind her back. I find men like that no different from heterosexual men who cheat on the women in their lives every chance they get.

    I don’t think this is a question that could be answered so easily, as there is much more to someone than just how they identify sexually. I do think both individuals would have to be progressive enough to handle this.

  • http://www.urbanexpressive.com J. Nicole

    Oh and sidebar: thanks for the image of Clive Davis having any type of sex life. It’s going to take all day for me to get the thought out of my head.

  • http://gravatar.com/gatuna The Comment

    Ok….u say that…but what if dude was everything you dreamed of??? And I mean everything. Just saying.

  • http://gravatar.com/orangestarhappyhunting OSHH

    NO
    I could say more but I will leave it there

  • http://gravatar.com/gatuna The Comment

    damn…..I didn’t even think about an old man bangin.

    But he does look great!

  • http://gravatar.com/missinformation7 Ms. Information

    fk no.

  • Kacey

    The problem with this article is the assumption that bisexual men are going to be honest with their partners about their bisexuality and their sexual activities. I don’t think that is the case. It seems to me that most of these men are living secretive lives and engage in risky behavior with both men and women. That is of course largely due to fear of coming forward, but it’s still a dangerous scenario.

    Also, there is a school of thought that most men who claim to be bisexual are actually just gay and using the cover of bisexuality to somehow absolve themselves from just admitting to being fully gay (in other words, soften the impact of it, mostly for the sake of their families, by pretending to still be interested in women and not a total “lost cause”). If this is case (even if it’s true in some cases) how then are women supposed to feel comfortable getting involved with a man who may still secretly be carrying or, or desiring to carryon, sexual relations with men? I just don’t see it working out.

    If I met a guy and he was a good enough person to admit to being bisexual, I would thank him for his honesty and then wish him good day!

  • kenzy

    no i couldnt while monogamy is monogamy even if the man stayed faithful, i could see down the line him missing his attraction to a man or getting bored because lets face it women dont have the necessary equipment to fulfill that sort of need

  • http://nikksd.wordpress.com Nikks

    I understand that the man might not be going to and fro, but I don’t think this is something I’d consider. We all have our preferences and this just isn’t it for me. If it works for someone else, that’s fantastic, I wouldn’t be passing judgement. I just want everyone around me to be respected and happy with whomever they end up with.

    Good one Danielle, get the people going! Lol.

  • au napptural

    Wow…first of all, wasn’t this already an article on Clutch awhile back? Next, the author is living in darkness. ANY man who is/ has been/ wants to be sexually invovled with a dude doesn’t even need to look my way. But this does bring up an important point. The vetting system needs work! How can we avoid finding a dude is bi/gay late in the game? You can search social media, but these men are clever and have multiple profiles. You can ask, but some men will lie. Does anyone have a foolproof method of separating the wheat from the chaff?

  • MOOMA

    why do women have to accept anything for a husband- the answer is no women should not have to settle just to get a man

  • au napptural

    That’s impossible b/c I think m,ost women dream of men who are exculsively attracted to women. I know I do.

  • http://gravatar.com/nolakiss16 binks

    Bingo!@

  • http://twitter.com/Cognorati001 Colette Marcheline (@Cognorati001)

    “Now if white men, who Banks readily admits don’t necessarily want us”

    Good grief.

    There are A LOT of men of all races who like Black women. Some dudes are especially into “the blacker the berry…” particularly in Europe. On a couple of occasions I’ve been told I’m not Black enough!

    I don’t understand why Black women only think in terms of Black or White, either? There are Latin men, Asians, and Middle-Eastern men and Jews of all races that like Black women.

    I have to confess that I have not dated a Black man in over 8 years, and am almost never single.

  • Sylvie

    @The Comment.

    For me he would not be everything I dreamed of because if he was, he would be straight.

  • The Moon in the Sky

    No, they should not.

  • Why not?

    As long as he’s disease free and not cheating on me with anyone, I don’t see what the problem is. We’d have our attraction to hot guys in common!

  • Truth

    But your not married, so in turn your really single?

  • victoria

    I dont care if he slept with one man 20 years ago; bisexual men are a turn me off for me.

  • http://twitter.com/Cognorati001 Colette Marcheline (@Cognorati001)

    I’m not necessarily interested in getting married because I’m not sure I want children; however, I could have been married a couple of times had I wanted to.

    Trust and believe: men dig Colette Marcheline (and other Black women).

  • Jaslene

    Lol. Dick-breadth.

  • Jaslene

    Eww marriage. How is not being married being single. Why do we have to get married?

  • Jaslene

    No you can’t donate blood when your screwing bisexual men.

  • http://defendingmoney.wordpress.com Marketing Gimmicks

    Clive Davis is a mummified 80 year old so being that he’s nearing the end the truth shall set you free and it also sells books I guess.

    With that being said….Clive is not an average 9-5 Joe Schmoe. He’s a successful music executive and entrepreneur which means he’s been able to offer a multitude of material needs and security to any woman who choose to turn a blind eye to his bisexuality. So sure there are plenty of women who’d have babies by a man who’s bisexual if there’s something in it for them.

    But if that man has lint in his pockets or can’t provide an exceptional life I don’t see why any heterosexual woman would accept a switch hitter into her life…

    Personally my feelings of insecurity would really flare up and not in a good way….

  • Truth

    Did you just write, “On a couple of occasions I’ve been told I’m not Black enough!”… What type self-loathing person would let someone else regardless of race, judge they’re blackness in terms of skin color. What kills me is that; the tone in which you stated above comment is as if it was a “badge of honor” that these men was judging your blackness in terms of skin tone. Wow, why would you allow yourself to be subjugated as a novelty or thing versus all encompassing woman.

  • http://gravatar.com/gatuna The Comment

    but sooooo many do.

  • steff

    I dont see why this is an issue? So what if he’s attracted to men? If he’s into me and im into him then we’re gonna be together. If a man is going to cheat he’s going to cheat, doesnt matter if its a guy or gal he gets with. Cheating is cheating, period.

  • b

    No.

    because at the end of the day, if he is bisexual then there is an itch inside of him that I will never be able to scratch.

  • http://gravatar.com/orangestarhappyhunting OSHH

    Also, there is a school of thought that most men who claim to be bisexual are actually just gay and using the cover of bisexuality to somehow absolve themselves from just admitting to being fully gay (in other words, soften the impact of it, mostly for the sake of their families, by pretending to still be interested in women and not a total “lost cause”)

    ^ THIS and I have heard this the most from gay folks!!!!!!!

  • cupcakes and shiraz

    Considering how disgustingly slutty most bi men are? HELL NO!

  • cupcakes and shiraz

    Exactly. Articles like these are telling women to settle for less.

  • Blue

    Why would I want to marry a guy who is into men? That’s a weird to me.

  • MzG2U

    If you’re discussing marriage, he should truly believe he can be monosexual (okay…so I made that word up :) )and be with a woman for life. If he still wants to be intimate with women + men, he’s not ready for marriage.

  • Kacey

    “How can we avoid finding a dude is bi/gay late in the game?”

    This^^ is the article they NEED to write, and I want it straight (pun intended) from a bi/gay man!

  • MISS_EMCEE

    Damn bitches thirst is that of all African and Middle East deserts combined. Smh it must be horrific for some women out there to even consider or date, a man who had more dicks then you lmaooo. This will go down in the history of thristdom as one of thirstiest thirst ever. To accept a battyboi just to be finally married. Bisexual to me is a gay man who won’t come out the closet because, grandma might have a stroke and die.

  • cupcakes and shiraz

    Actually, monosexual is a real word. lol

  • Proud Black Female

    Accepting a bi-sexual husband would be settling for less than you deserve. I would hope that most of us Black women have more self-worth than that. Yes men cheat, but going in knowing that he will want others means that you are accepting that he will be unfaithful. I can’t give him what another man can give him, and I won’t even try. Of course unless you go into the marriage with some kind of non-traditional arrangement. Then it’s whatever you agree to!

  • Pseudonym

    Every “bisexual” man I’ve ever met eventually gets up the nerve to come out as “gay.”

    And where will that leave his wife?

  • SAMURAI36

    @ Nicole:

    See this is how people play Jedi Mind Tricks on themselves…

    What is the difference between a closeted (“down low”) gay man, & a bisexual man? Especially if both men are willing to have sex with you & other men?

    The answer: there is no difference.

    As a man that is 100% straight, as far as I’m concerned, a Bi man is just a gay man that also enjoys women from time to time.

    Any woman that is desperate enough to consider such a man as a life mate, is a fool.

  • YCR

    I can’t with y’all. What is with this double standard BS. Just because a man is bisexual doesn’t mean he’s gonna go off and find a dude sleep to with. That’s equatable to saying if you are with straight man he’s gonna go find another woman to sleep when he’s in a relationship because he’s attracted to women. Yes, both cases do happen but that doesn’t mean that all men, bi or straight behave that way.

    Sadly, what I get from reading these comments is that “straight is better than good.” So, as long as homeboy is straight, it doesn’t matter that he’s slept with half the city as long as he’s a good man however, gawd forbid he had a couple of intimate relationships with men cuz heck naw.

    Such a shame. No wonder good men will not come out as being bisexual when all they’re gonna get is flack from women they’re attracted to.

  • Proud Black Woman

    You poor child….. Yes, cheating is cheating, but with a man instead of a woman is to another level. It’s way more than sex. It is then about much deeper issues. One that I, as a woman, cannot help him with.

  • Elayna

    A lot of people I know put people into conveniently labeled boxes so that they feel they understand someone else. Truth is, you don’t come close to understanding anyone but yourself, and in some cases, not even that.

    You can’t just decide who you fall in love with. It is no longer love anymore at that point. To those of you who say no simply because ‘he’s had more dicks than you’ or because you label him as a ‘slut’ or ‘whore’, you disgust the hell out of me. You don’t know people’s pasts until you ask them. Speculation only makes you a fool. Besides, How can I believe anything most other women have to say when all I hear is complaints about how they can’t seem to find the right man? I’m not saying lower your standards, but be understanding and research a topic before you dismiss it completely. I’m willing to bet most of you who are naysayers simply stuck your nose up, and went about your way. Deplorable behavior.

    To those of you at least willing to give the man a shot, kudos. You can’t say someone is bad until you have experienced them for yourself.

  • Smilez_920

    Question:

    Where are all these bi-sexual women who marry straight men. And why are’nt there articles gearded towards bi-sexual women giving by sexual men a chance. Even most by women who decide to seriously date men, are’nt gun ho about being serious with a bi-sexual man in most cases.( sorry for the side rant but it seems like these articles try to use the lonely card to guilt trip straight women into opening up their options to bi-sexual men , to me would’nt it be better for a bi-sexual man who is looking to be with a women, to look for a bi-sexual women ( partner).maybe she would be more open to his lifestyle).

    But to each it’s own. If both partners are comfortable with the relationship it’s cool, but it’s just not my cup of tea.

  • http://twitter.com/Cognorati001 Colette Marcheline (@Cognorati001)

    .

    Some men like very dark women. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with it. It’s just like I will not date a man with blonde hair.

    Look, guys that have told me they like dark women have described it in very positive terms as beautiful (Grace Jones’ ex has spoken about his attraction to her dark skin in a documentary or two — he only likes dark women).

    I didn’t understand the badge of honor thing.

    As far as being a novelty, that can happen to a mixed race women with a man of any race… in fact, Black dudes are actually the most fetishizing…

  • cupcakes and shiraz

    If we go by research (esp. CDC stats), then we’re pretty much right for sticking with straight men.

  • Kacey

    RFLMAO!!!!

  • cupcakes and shiraz

    I can’t believe I’m actually agreeing with you for once.

  • Ange B

    NO way! I can’t do that……not for me. I’d say I’d be glad if they were straight up about it from the get go..so they find someone else who can live with that and I can move on.

  • http://www.facebook.com/valentine.joseph.33 Valentine Joseph

    This article is embarassing. If you love someone, what does it matter if he swings both ways. If he is with you, he is going to remain with you. If he cheats on you, it wouldn’t matter if it’s with a man or woman, it will still hurt no matter. Seriously, embarassing article

  • JRW

    Aaaaannnnd THIS is why there are so many DL brothers, because they know the negative perception that is going to follow them if they dare step out their fabulous closet. My 2 cents, i’ve dated a bi guy b4 we got along great and it was no slight to my confidence in myself woman or in him as a man. I’d date a bi guy in a heartbeat because him letting me know up front that he likes men is a helluva lot better than me finding out that the man i was led to believe was str8 actually wasn’t. I can’t tell you how many of my gay guy friends have been with ‘heterosexual’ men who lead women to believe that not only are they not bisexual but hate everything that have to do with gay men….. but love lesbians and bisexual women.

  • http://www.facebook.com/lisajohnson1982 Lisa Maria

    This article is disturbing and disappointing on so many levels….Where do I begin?Umm….so the author right off compares being open to dating outside of one’s race to being open to dating someone of an entirely different sexual orientation…..Yeah….I’m sorry but if it Really – has come to Black women being advised to lay with, make a union with and procreate with men who openly have and will lay down with another man, then count me Alll the Way out! SMH. A man is no longer a man once he takes another man’s penis into his body – I’m sorry. Or at least, he is no longer a man in the confines of “traditional gender roles” as Rippa stated. I mean seriously, that is a contradiction in and of itself. If a man takes other men as lovers, than right there he no longer fits inside of the “traditional gender roles” now does he? And author, So What if “straight men marry bisexual men all the time without blinking an eye”….Does that really mean that us women should follow suit? Men, as a whole, have long displayed serious flaws in their respect for fidelity, monogamy, and mate selection. I mean, since so many rappers are going to the strip club to find their wives and the mothers of their children, does that really mean that we should all follow suit w/ that too?? Again, I am so disappointed and disgusted by this suggestion that I can barely even continue to type. What is wrong w/ the James Evans, Bill Cosby type model for husbands and fathers?? I know real men barely exist anymore, especially w/ so many fathers absent from the home and women struggling to raise boys into men on their own but guess what – It is not my fault if so many Black men and women have grown up w/o a proper Black male figure in the home, so therefore, they lack the ability to recognize the proper prototype for a strong beautiful Black man, but I Highly doubt that he is one who would lay down with another man. I pray that we as a people get it the F- together.

  • http://www.facebook.com/lisajohnson1982 Lisa Maria

    Preach Sylvie!!

  • Cocochanel31

    heck naw! I want a manly man and a man who knows what he wants and WHOSE he is! AINT NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT!

    If a man wants to play with BOYS AND GIRLS, he is NOT the man for me, simple as THAT!! Noone will ever make me feel bad for that choice!

  • Realist

    Not interested in a bisexual man, honestly the thought of his penis up another mans ass is a turn off and this is my opinion and preference, I love my gays, and straight I am just attracted to straight men

  • Truth

    I can’t believe you like Cupcakes and Shiraz together.

  • http://www.facebook.com/lisajohnson1982 Lisa Maria

    Lol @ “We’re not gonna make it”!

  • Truth

    @SMH: I was thinking the same exact thing

  • cupcakes and shiraz

    I’m so over people blaming folks for DL mens’ behavior. They’re grown and are 100% responsible for their own deceptive choices.

    I also don’t see why straight monogamous women can’t have the right to date straight monogamous men if they please. Is a Jewish woman wrong for wanting a Jewish man? Of course not! People prefer like-minded mates and there’s nothing wrong with that.

  • cupcakes and shiraz

    Haha actually, I don’t recommend pairing cake with wine. It makes for a nasty hangover.

  • http://twitter.com/Cognorati001 Colette Marcheline (@Cognorati001)

    “THIS is why there are so many DL brothers, because they know the negative perception that is going to follow them if they dare step out their fabulous closet.”

    True. I feel kinda sorry for ‘em, judging by the responses. People aren’t giving them a way to come out.

  • Von

    I would not date or marry a man who is bisexual. the problem for is that at some point in our relationship he may want to go back to sleeping w/men. Physically and sexually, as a woman, I can’t give him everything he needs. I would rather be with a man who I know can get his sexual needs met w/me. this has nothing to do with cheating.

  • http://twitter.com/Cognorati001 Colette Marcheline (@Cognorati001)

    @SMH and Truth

  • http://www.facebook.com/lisajohnson1982 Lisa Maria

    *Goes to get MISS_EMCEE a mic and a pulpit*…..You better Preach!!!

  • http://twitter.com/Cognorati001 Colette Marcheline (@Cognorati001)

    @SMH and Truth

    May God Bless You.

    Moving right along… :)

  • http://www.facebook.com/lisajohnson1982 Lisa Maria

    Ew….you just made me vomit in my mouth…. :-/

  • Truth

    HUH? Not giving a way to come out? Be a responsible adult and get your butt out of the closet. Are you trying to have a pity party for people who deceive others? GTFOH with that.

  • http://www.facebook.com/lisajohnson1982 Lisa Maria

    Poor you. :-( How about you go do the research for all of us. Go find, date, and sleep as many Bisexual dudes as you pretty little heart can stand and then let us know how that goes for you. Even though I have a sneaking suspicion that you are actually a dude.

  • Rakel

    Um no. DL men are downlow because they are scared of society and their communities. They do not care about women not wanting them as sexual partners, they’re not even attracted to us. How can you put we don’t want to date bi men as why closeted gays won’t come out? I respect gay and bisexual people for being who they are completely. While I do understand and sympathize w/ people who are closeted due to stigma it’s not fair to include partners through deception. You don’t treat people you love or claim to love deceptively. This is the problem women have w/ DL men. I’ll give the benefit of the doubt and say the DL brother at least wraps it up when he has sex, but what woman wants to be deceived to and fall in love, plan a future to find out she just doesn’t do it for him?

  • Apple

    Nothing against them but no thanks. But there are some women who actually like bi men so there is still hope for them yet

  • Kacey

    Colette, I didn’t give that quote you highlighted much thought until now. And it speaks volumes about this author’s attitude toward black women and interracial dating. I re-read the entire statement in the piece about dating white men (including the part you highlighted) and she’s basically saying that:

    (1) dating white men, and perhaps all non-black men, is a form of settling and therefore, since you’re settling anyway, why not ALSO be a gay man’s beard; and

    (2) black women are so desperate we need to take anything we can get.

    How sad is that!!! And the worse part is, this isn’t the first time I’ve seen something along those lines in an article on this site.

    Basically, rather than expand our options to include STRAIGHT men of other races (who DO want to date us, contrary to what ya heard!) we should just accept a black man who gets down in all kinds of ways. She didn’t specifically name bisexual black men, but we know, based on that statement about white men, that’s what she meant – that’s what she’s really talking about. The title of this should be: “Accept DL Culture, Because No One Else Wants You Anyway, Black Woman”.

    That’s really sick and disappointing.

  • http://gravatar.com/nolakiss16 binks

    Omg this! I never understood that logic either. If a man is bisexual…cool but a potential partner…i.e. straight women HAS the right to know the person who she’s dealing with and have to judge weather that is a deal breaker for her or not. Nobody has the right to make decisions for the other person involved. It isn’t fear but deception and perception that “keep people in the closet”. Not everybody os into everything and that’s cool. If a straight woman wants a guy that is straight then let her find THAT man and if a bisexual man wants a woman to accept his sexuality then he needs to find THAT woman instead of lying (let’s call a spade a spade DL≈ lying) to women who sees that as a deal breaker. You can’t have your cake and eat it too.

  • mluv

    To each their own but NO I would not want to date a man who would screw and date other men. Its just kinda gross to me. And I would want an HONEST and good man so a man lying to me or “being to scared to come out about his sexuality” heck yea its gonna be problem. I just can’t. In my opinion a bisexual man is gay.

  • Ask_ME

    No thanks. I can’t even bring myself to desire a man that submits himself to another man.

  • http://twitter.com/Cognorati001 Colette Marcheline (@Cognorati001)

    But are there a lot of Black women who really feel like they will not be wanted — I’m actually asking that in seriousness? I don’t think it’s the case outside of this country, but in America there are some Black women that seem to think that they just will not be wanted.

    If we look at that quote I highlighted it’s actually pretty heavy: it’s saying that Black women are not wanted by White man and that, implicitly, they’re not really treasured by their own community. Other ethnic groups don’t seem to speak this way about themselves.

    I think part of what’s going on in poor Black and Latin neighborhoods with the multiple fathers and illegitimate children is that some of these Black women feel like, “Well, no one else is going to come along…”

    I remember Iyanla once said that she was trying to give birth to love with each of her children. I’ve wondered if Black women feel like they have to have a kid, even at great financial detriment, because it somehow proves their femininity?

  • Pingback: Should Women Looking To Marry Consider Bisexual Men? - Dating, marriage, boyfriends, girlfriends, men, women, friends, attraction ... - City-Data Forum

  • http://twitter.com/Cognorati001 Colette Marcheline (@Cognorati001)

    @ SMH

    What about this subject is warranting this much rage? That is a spiritual sickness.

    If I choose to have children I won’t be removing myself from any gene pool because I’ll be having a child with another human being, just as a lot of Black, White, and Asian people did to create ME.

    I have a very good life. Hope you find the same.

  • GeekMommaRants

    A gay man friend convinced me there was no such thing as a bisexual man. He said no man leaves his boyfriend to be with a woman. This makes so much sense. If I am wrong, you ladies and gents will tell me.

  • Kacey

    I got a new title for this:

    DESPERATE BLACK WOMEN: TAKE WHAT YOU CAN GET, EVEN IF HE’S BEEN TAKING IT UP THE BACKSIDE!

  • Rakel

    I swear I died reading that title!

  • Joy

    No disrespect to older people; but Clive is like 900 years old, and most people couldn’t care less if he’s gay, Bi, or straight.

  • Joy

    LOL LOL Yu got that right

  • BoutDatLove

    You better tell it! & this ”straight men marry bisexual men all the time without blinking an eye” Uhm, sorry but those straight men are confused. You can’t marry another man and call yourself straight, what the hell is this.

    Things are getting worse. Especially when a question like the articles question is asked. This ish is dysfunctional and a bunch of confusion.

    A gay man and a straight woman…. that would be too much estrogen in a relationship. ”Bisexual” no, you love one or the other more, you are just too afraid to completely come out of the closet. One half of you is fighting with what was naturally intended and the other half is confused…. you should just call yourself confused.

  • The Moon in the Sky

    “What type self-loathing person would let someone else regardless of race, judge they’re blackness in terms of skin color.”

    Black people do that to each other all of the damn time. As a very light-skinned woman I have definitely had it happen to me.

  • The Moon in the Sky

    According to ‘SMH’, everyone is delusional or ‘stalking’ him.

  • http://gravatar.com/gatuna The Comment

    FYI: I appreciate your perspective. Thank you.

  • Kacey

    @ Colette, to answer your question, there most definitely are black women who believe this, and it is reinforced almost everyday in the media. Some book, print article, website piece, radio program, talk show, town-hall meeting, tweet, rap song, reality show, irrelevant black male comedian…you name it, it’s been used to get at black women. When you get bombarded like this, it’s hard to avoid the message: black women are unloved and unloveable!

    It’s not true – those of us who know better and understand the agendas that are being served, know it’s not true but it’s the trend. Noting gets page views and comments going like a feature on the poor, lonely, dysfunctional, unf*ckable black woman.

    And, unfortunately, even on a site supposedly dedicated to the interests of black women, there will be articles that explicitly or implicitly send the message.

  • Tony

    60% of black men who have enganged in MSM (gay/bisexual) have hiv by 40. Straight non introvenous drug injecting black men are less than 5% of the HIV black men. Heterosexual black men have a lower HIV rate than black women.

    1 in 32 black women have HIV. Where do you think they’re getting it from?

  • Rue

    Not the marrying kind, bit yes i would date him. And being cheated/ left for a man is a non-issue-i would be hurt regardless of the gender… It’s never wrong to have sexual preference, but the comments about real me are incredibly stupid. gosh the narrow minded people on here sicken me.

  • Ash

    Not for me!

  • Rue

    Sorry, but you are wrong.

  • http://www.facebook.com/lisajohnson1982 Lisa Maria

    And might I add that my Bible tells me that “a double-minded man is unstable in all his ways”?? Therefore- If a man can’t make a solid decision and stick with it on one thing, 9 times out of 10, he won’t be able to be solid in anything else he does! Come on people…Do you seriously think that a man who can not decide if he likes penis or vagina could really be an adequate fit to be the Head of the Household??? Shiiiit, the devil is a lie!

    And I love how the author has romanticized this fictional bisexual as an “Adonis”; a beautiful, tall, educated, smart, and funny gentleman w/ “a stable career, good credit and a condo who just Loooves his momma”, as a way to make us more open to the idea. Lol….first of all, there’s not that many “Adonis” men in this world- straight or bisexual! Why not paint the bisexual as a regular 5’7 guy who may or may not have a college degree, works at Pep Boys, has “ok credit”, rents a 1 bed room and who maybe has a kid or two?? B/c she is full of it and the attack on the Black family just keeps continuing. SMMFH.

    A bisexual Adonis…I done heard it all….

  • http://www.facebook.com/lisajohnson1982 Lisa Maria

    And might I add that my Bible tells me that “a double-minded man is unstable in all his ways”?? Therefore- If a man can’t make a solid decision and stick with it on one thing, 9 times out of 10, he won’t be able to be solid in anything else he does! Come on people…Do you seriously think that a man who can not decide if he likes penis or vagina could really be an adequate fit to be the Head of the Household??? Shiiiit, the devil is a lie!

    And I love how the author has romanticized this fictional bisexual as an “Adonis”; a beautiful, tall, educated, smart, and funny gentleman w/ “a stable career, good credit and a condo who just Loooves his momma”, as a way to make us more open to the idea. Lol….first of all, there’s not that many “Adonis” men in this world- straight or bisexual! Why not paint the bisexual as a regular 5’7 guy who may or may not have a college degree, works at Pep Boys, has “ok credit”, rents a 1 bed room and who maybe has a kid or two?? B/c she is full of it and the attack on the Black family just keeps continuing. SMMFH.

    A bisexual Adonis…I done heard it all….

  • Rue

    “Do you seriously think that a man who can not decide if he likes penis or vagina could really be an adequate fit to be the Head of the Household?”

    Dude, it’s the 21st century. Do men need to be heads of households? What if you believe in egalitarianism?

  • The Moon in the Sky

    “A gay man and a straight woman…. that would be too much estrogen in a relationship.”

    Two things:

    1. Biologically, men have estrogen, but less than women.
    2. You seem to think of gay men as women. They are NOT!

  • Mr. Man

    Whaaatt!!! I mean the way it reads its like its asking, ‘why wouldn’t a woman agree to being a complete foolish retard just once, and possibly miss out on miserable chance of life time? After all you’ll get (most) everything you ever wish for’. I smell a set up.
    I mean what type of person would knowingly build their dream home at the base of a notoriously active volcano?

  • http://gravatar.com/nolakiss16 binks

    LOL at “Accept DL Culture, Because No One Else Wants You Anyway, Black Woman” title but sadly I can see that being a legit article one day on some forum that has an audience of mostly black women. But I agreed with you and Colette! I find this article funny because A) a lot of gay men especially black men (note: NOT ALL) still don’t admit they are openly gay and still try to deny it. So, I don’t see bi-sexual men lining up in droves ready to shout they’re bi-sexual especially if a woman’s preference is strictly towards straight men. B) When people think of interracial dating/marriage, they need to open their scope up more instead of automatically thinking of white men. There are 101 ways to date interracially and interculturally that the dating out answer doesn’t always have to be “I’ am finding me a white guy”. Why not find you a black STRAIGHT British guy… So I am confused on the comparison of a bi-sexual man to a non-black straight man in terms of dating/marriage. I would think that as a straight woman you would pick and explore the non-black straight man every day all day as oppose to the bi-sexual black man. To me, dating out is not nearly as extreme as dating a bi-sexual man. We can be PC all we want but men and sexuality get the short end of the stick in the double standards totem pole and it is still a tough subject and heated debate especially for black men and sexuality. At this point, bring back the interracial articles or get Christelyn Karazin to write or give us an article like the xoxo jane site does (I always don’t agree with her delivery but I can’t knock her for what she’s trying to accomplish). I rather deal with the heated comment section and the trolls in the interracial articles as oppose to this… And this is not to say that bi-sexual men are bad men or should be pariahs but let’s be serious MOST women (black, white, Asian, etc.) who identifies as straight don’t see themselves with a man or mothering children with a man who is bi-sexual.

  • Come On

    Oh the any man is better than no man thing? I’m not that desperate and probably never will be. Are other women being told to date bisexual men. I know we’re supposed to have a man shortage and all, but that’s not for me. Bisexual men? Really? This may get me called ignorant, but I feel bisexual men usually prefer men. They get with women because maybe they want to have children. Many may enjoy female company and actually enjoy having sex with women. They are afraid that they will be judged or that they can’t be with a man the way they want to be.

    Now the double standard when it comes to bisexuality…..women cannot really do anything for each other that a man cannot do for a woman. Unless you just like the female form and giving pleasure to a woman, a man can do everything TO you that a woman can do to you. The same is not true for men. Men do not have vaginas, but they can do oral sex and all the other stuff right. I think the biggest thing for me is that I think once a man has “received” from a man and he likes it, he will prefer being able to “receive” rather than just always being the giver as he is with women. In gay relationships, men can give and receive. They can also receive the same oral sex that they receive from women. Also look at the rise of anal sex. There are many men who prefer anal sex with women. If a man likes anal sex and he also likes receiving, the only thing he is missing from women is vaginal sex and maybe her form. For many gay or bisexual men, In my opinion, the pleasure that they get from receiving anal sex is more pleasurable to them than the pleasure they get from vaginal sex. I think men just feel less threatened by a bisexual woman because he can do everything to her that her female partners can do. But women are very concerned about a bisexual man. We can’t do what male partners can do. And it just seems like once men go for men, they never return.

    Why are black women being told to date this and date that? Date a white man. Date a truck driver. Date an emo dude. This advice is fine and not that harmful, but manshare? Go to the strip club with your man? And date a bisexual man? No thank you. What next? Will be told just to give it all up and be broodmares for gay men that want a baby?

  • kamille

    Yea…see here’s the problem with that logic, coming from a queer black woman btw. First of all, if someone is gonna cheat-they gonna cheat. No matter the sexual preference or gender. So you’re logic is totally flawed. If they love you and are committed to you, then the itch to sleep with other people (sans penis or penis included) won’t be there.

    I hate it when people use these stereotypes to fit queer folk into a category. I’m a queer woman who is with a man. I love him. I’m not itching to sleep with other women because again, I love him and I’m not a sex fiend. It’s not just anatomy that gives your partner “everything he [or she] needs”. Maybe just maybe it’s love, compatibility, personality, and other tidbits that come with relationships like trust and openness.

    Bisexual men or women aren’t sex fiends that will always need to fill the void of the lacking sexual parts of their partner. We’re not sexual beasts. We’re people.

    Smh this is why sexual education (done in a sex positive way) is so important. Check out Laci Green on youtube, she’s an awesome sex positive educator.

  • Mademoiselle

    I’m going to be 100% honest. I’m not secure enough to deal with all of that. I need unwavering heterosexuality. Maybe next lifetime I’ll evolve into whatever it takes to handle this, but in this life, that isht would eff with my mind all day.

  • DownSouth Transplant

    Victoria, I was thinking on the opposite, what if it was all in the past and now he is just doing the full disclosure thing because we are so into each other, still close the door or give it some consideration?

  • Mademoiselle

    Getting flack from women shouldn’t be an excuse for bi/gay men to lie about who they are. If someone doesn’t want you for you, it’s called incompatible. Lying is a terrible trait in all orientations.

  • http://twitter.com/Cognorati001 Colette Marcheline (@Cognorati001)

    @Kacey and Binks:

    I think it’s awful that people are walking around with that much pain but it’s something I try to avoid talking about with other Black women so there’s no bad feeling.

    I don’t know what can be done about it, although I think women like Michelle Obama and Iyanla and even Oprah are important, but even they CATCH HELL for being Black women… White Supremacy has Black women as psychic trash receptacles.

    In tracing my DNA, I learned that I’m part Mende (Sierra Leone). Anyhow, they have initiation societies for both males and females where they’re mentored and learn about life and their roles in the society. I don’t want to sound too silly, but there needs to be some sort of movement to re-create that type of cohesion in the American Black community to deal with how racism is impacting people psychologically.

    I think it’s like the last frontier.

    People need to also travel and learn how people perceive things in other cultures. There are *plenty* of men around the world who would say that your average, around the way girl is beautiful — seriously. Not everyone thinks a women has to look like Brittney Spears to be attractive. There are most definetly men out there who favor Grace Jones, Michelle Obama, Whoppi, etc.

  • kamille

    A lot of the comments on here are part of the main reason why I feel Jezebel is a more sex positive and queer accepting website. And it’s sad because I am a black queer woman.

    I understand that being with a bisexual man isn’t for you and that’s fine because sexual preferences are preferences. But there’s no need to bash queerfolk or say that bisexual or gay men are less than men because as one commenter put it “they take it up their backside.” How foolish and vile can you be? It’s sickening! This is why a lot of queer blacks don’t out themselves in the black community and don’t feel accepted because of ish like this! We’re told that we’re less than men or women or the infamous sentiment-we’re sinners that are going to Hell.

    Hey dating bi men aren’t for you, that’s perfectly fine. But don’t be vile and hateful by saying that they are less than men. Also, this article is total b.s. Why are bi-sexual men seen as the last resort for straight black women? Is that how it is? This is offensive on so many levels!

    Clutch-If you’re going to write an article, educate yourselves on the queer community.

    First of all, 9/10 bi folk (men especially) aren’t just hooking up with straight folk all will nilly because straight folk are straight-duh. A bi man will either be with other bi men, gay men, queer women or bi women. It’s actually not common for a bi man to hook up with super 100% heterosexual women. It’s just not.

    Technically, she’s not in a heterosexual relationship because the man is bisexual. It’s simple: heterosexual + heterosexual= heterosexual. The relationship is mostly associated in the queer category-which is a blanket term for orientations and sexual preferences that don’t fit gender-binary norms. So a “straight” black woman in a relationship with a bisexual man, isn’t really “straight” after all. Another example, if a “straight” black woman is in a relationship with an intersex person, then it’s not necessarily a heterosexual relationship because the person identifies as intersex-thus breaking the heteronormative binary.

    This is the kind of stuff you need to know before posting these kinds of articles, you lose credibility and it really comes off as offensive and off-putting to your queer audience.

  • K. Michel

    “Should women looking to marry consider bisexual men?”

    Did the author not chuckle when she read that to herself? If I wouldn’t want that for my future daughter, then I wouldn’t want it for any (African-American) woman. It’s not safe, it’s not desirable, and it just isn’t a good idea. The worst part about this is, I know someone’s going to start going in on Black men like we’re the ones who wrote the article…

    –Really though, at this point, anything goes. Women need to do what’s right for them in their particular situations. Even though for some women this may end up working, I feel that it’s irresponsible to advise that all, or even most, single women consider marrying a bisexual man.

    I get your train of thought with relating your idea with Banks, but it doesn’t work because he was wrong too.

  • Nic

    Unfortunately definitions of masculinity, esp. black masculinity, is not going to make many women open to this, although as others have pointed out, men likely don’t care or are titillated by the idea of a woman being with another woman.

    I’m going to add to the “um, no” side as well. I’m sorry, but no, no, no.

    The other issue I’d have even I was wasn’t just uncomfortable with the idea of a man who has been with a man is the idea that at least some men who claim bisexual are still really gay and the fact that they are wiling to marry a woman to have a child or have a certain image won’t change that fact. It could happen with a man pretending to be straight, but homophobia in the black community would make me unwilling to take that chance. A man who isn’t cheating but doesn’t really desire you sexually is no prize.

    And last time I checked, men came in more than just black and white anyway…

  • Nic

    You aren’t lying about that…people need to stop acting like black women’s options begin and end with black or white men.
    One of my good friends is married to a Filipino man and that girl has a big grin on her face every day I see her.
    One of our black male friends who was shocked to see the pairing said he could not criticize or hate on someone who clearly was taking such care of the good black woman (and their children) that she is (and he also mentioned how happy she always is).
    Find a good man who loves and respects you and keeps a smile on your face. He does NOT have to be black (or white).

  • Nic

    I’d be surprised if Clive’s man was even half his age. You know he’s someone’s daddy…

  • Nic

    Actually, I think it’s the opposite. If you like how dick tastes I say go with that…don’t try the other stuff. I don’t need any gay men to pretend to like women as much as or more than they like men.
    How is a woman saying she doesn’t want to date a man who dates men going to force men DEEPER into the closet? If you like men and women and women aren’t comfortable with that, you still have half the planet to date. Why would that force anyone INTO the closet?

  • KTD

    A bi man with a queer woman?! WTF? Y’all need Jesus.

  • kamille

    I know our awesome queer sex offends you, but try not to think about it too much. Or maybe you want to think about it? Are you queer too? lol

  • Chika

    @kamille

    I completely agree. The underlying messages in this article are troubling. As for the commenters, it’s ok to have preferences about who you would want to date (truthfully, I would have to think long and hard before deciding to date a bisexual man). But bashing an entire segment of the population (as if people on this site have actually met 1 on 1 with all bisexual men in America) is completely uncalled for. It is enough to say “No thanks” and keep it moving. You know what they say; if you don’t have something nice to say…

  • MommieDearest

    Exactly! There’s no way I can “compete” with that. I could not knowingly put myself in that position.

  • cupcakes and shiraz

    So then go read Jezebel if you like that website so much better.

  • Bekah

    Ideally, we all are accepting of everyone’s preference and if/when looking for a mate we don’t let those preferences influence our attraction to them. But in reality, this does not happen. I find myself kind of head to head with this issue quite often. In NYC, one of the LGBT capitols of the great USA, I’m always asking myself (in my head) “Why is this guy trying to get at me? He’s giving me all kinds of gay.” It rarely occurs to me that he may be bisexual. It’s difficult for me to see gay and bisexual as different. It’s wrong of me to assume they are gay and but not wrong to dismiss them solely because I get the feeling they’ve had a relationship with a man. A man who leads this lifestyle is simply not what I find attractive. To be clear, I don’t think of him as any less of a man either. I love my gay brothers and sisters. One of my best friend’s is gay and if he were straight, I’d be all over that. So if you’re able to to put what ever happened before you aside, then I say go for it.

  • Mikela123

    Gay or straight, you’re a woman. Men are different.

    Also, women sleeping with women do not have the same high risk of STDs as men sleeping with men.

  • http://gravatar.com/gatuna The Comment

    sorry….MSM = Men who have sex with men as an option other than homosexual as appears on most health questionnaires.

  • justanotheropinion

    Is it for me – No. However, if it works for you, then go for it. Life is too short to deny others the type of relationship that will make them happy. Too many ppl. spend their lives in unhealthy and/or unloving relationships because they are too scared to follow their heart or they are hiding from a society that they know will reject them. Who wants to live that life?

    If this type of relationship (or any other relationship choice) doesn’t work for what you want personally, then so be it. You don’t have to follow that path, but let others find love where there find it. How would you feel if homosexuality/transgender/bi-sexual etc. were the norm and heterosexual love was not? You wouldn’t want someone else telling YOU whom to love and why. Don’t inflict your beliefs on another.

    Let ppl. make their own choice whom to love and how to love and you do the same. As my daughter loves to say when we have a difference of how things should be – “you do you and I’ll do me”.

  • http://www.facebook.com/lisajohnson1982 Lisa Maria

    Lol…never mind the thumbs down…I thought it was funny! :-D

  • http://www.facebook.com/lisajohnson1982 Lisa Maria

    I love your opinion. Love all the info…But I thought “queer” was a derogatory term. No?

  • The Other Jess

    I couldn’t read one line further after seeing the title of this article. I mean, seriously?? I hope no woman ever gets that desperate!

  • tulipenoire

    I don’t see why not. If a woman and a man are comfortable, honest, open, and have established good communication in their relationship, I don’t see an issue. I don’t like how the title makes it seem as if bisexual men are a “last resort” or something negative. To say it’s “unsafe” is somewhat a close-minded view, as if STDs aren’t rampant among heterosexual people. Again, if the couple talk about it, it’s their business. Would a man marrying a bisexual woman be an issue? Most likely not.

    If my daughter were to come to me and say she is considering marriage to a man who identifies as bisexual, I can’t say I wouldn’t a bit hesitant given I’ve always been socialized to view bisexual men as automatically gay men but as I learn more about people who are LGBT, I’m seeing my own prejudices diminish over time so hopefully I won’t have any hesitation by the time I have children of my own.

    The stigmas attached to any Black person in the LGBT community are outrageous, ESPECIALLY Black men. Smh.

  • The Moon in the Sky

    Not everyone believes in your ‘Jesus’.

  • tulipenoire

    I don’t see why not. If the couple has open communication and it’s a loving relationship on their terms, what’s the problem? I don’t like how the title insinuates bisexual men as “a last resort” because if a woman considers marrying a bisexual man as if it’s out of desperation and NOT love, then she shouldn’t be marrying anyone.

    If I end up having a daughter and she were to come to me and say her boyfriend was bisexual, I can’t lie and say I would be 100% welcoming to the idea as we’ve socialized to believe that men who are bisexual are automatically gay and cannot be otherwise (see Frank Ocean critics) but since I have started becoming more educated and open to LGBT people, my prejudices/stereotypes that I do still have are slowly diminishing over time so hopefully by the time I am a mother, I will be completely accepting.

    To say sex with a bisexual man is unsafe is close-minded and prejudiced and insinuates that men who sexual relationships with men are the reason we have STDs or something; as if they aren’t rampant within the heterosexual community already. -___- You don’t know a man’s or woman’s sexual practices/activities unless that info is disclosed to you so don’t assume!

    All people deserve love, period. The stigmas against LGBT Blacks is freakin’ ridiculous!

    (I hope my comment doesn’t offend as I tried to be as respectful as possible!)

  • ruggie

    It is narcissistic and hetero-normative to believe that we as women can fill a bisexual man’s needs in a monogamous relationship. It is more realistic and respectful of his sexuality to acknowledge that we would be one step on a long journey, that he might desire to be with men, that he won’t be forever bound to suppress his very real attractions to other men. I know 2 couples in this arrangement and while I can’t say the men cheat, seeing the husband flirt with the young male waiter at a restaurant, or be more animated with the gay men at their dinner party than with the wife, are just a few glimpses into the fact that sparks continue to fly for the same gender.

    The idea that this theoretical bisexual man is perfect in every other way (minus his presumably flawed sexuality) is a *homophobic* argument. A person’s physique, paycheck and credit rating are superficial, their sexuality is not. Placing their bi-sexuality in the past is hetero-normative and naive. Instead, consider that as part of his journey, he may find that being married to a woman is no longer suitable. Are you ok with one day being the ex-wife of a man who now lives a gay lifestyle? If so, then fine.

  • cupcakes and shiraz

    This.

  • Orange Starr Happy Hunting

    Thank you and to go further, I was struck by this comment on another site……”I lived this life and almost married into it. A person should not be condemned for their fundamental Christian beliefs about homosexuality. To anyone that reads this, understand that ALL of these men are not on the DOWNLOW because they are tortured spirits who do not feel accepted. Most of them are selfish men who want to attain an org*sm anyway they can-it is a pleasure seeking personality at the highest and most heinous form. As long as we continue to make up excuses for them and not put our foot down, it will continue to KILL African American women a staggering numbers. Understand this… many of them think it is a JOKE and laugh at you and other women they have deceived and betrayed-then move on to the next unsuspecting woman without consequence or accountability. As sinister as this sound, it is TRUE. It is all about the ORG*SM and NOTHING ELSE with many of them. Women need to stop being naive, turning a blind eye and being so understanding, that is what they count on and expect from African American women who are lonely, with low self esteems, materialistic and lack self control. That is why you will find that many of them are some the most successful and eligible black men in our society.”

  • Orange Starr Happy Hunting

    Me three. So tired of people making excuses for this selfish, cruel, and cowardly lifestyle that not only endangers lives but emotionally abuses and traumatizes women.

  • Fergie

    That is why “queers” as you called it, should stay with “queers.”

  • Wong Chia Chi

    I support LGBT, but anal sex has been proven to be the most risky sexual behavior. Not all bi/gay men have anal sex, and not all do it unprotected but again those numbers are coming from somewhere and it definitely eisn’t from strait people since most women don’t like anal to the point that they do it with multiple partners. Most men that have HIV have engaged in anal sex at some point. Doctors can easily see this whether they identify as gay or not.

    There is an entirely reason why men who admit to engaging in sex with men can’t donate blood.

  • victoria

    close the door

  • cupcakes and shiraz

    So because a woman is over 30 and has slim pickings, she should go for some sex-crazed bi man who is incapable of providing the monogamous, loving relationship she desires?

    That kind of sounds worse than being alone, don’t you think?

  • Terry

    THIS SOUND LIKE A DESPERATE PLEA FOR LOVE. TO LOWER YOUR STANDARDS AND FORFEIT THE TEACHINGS OF THE BIBLE, NOT. PEOPLE HAVE FORGOTTEN THEIR MORALS ETHICS AND STANDARDS. THE WORLD DICTATE PEOPLE LIVES NOT THE BIBLE ANYMORE. WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TOO. I RATHER PLEASE GOD RATHER THAN MAN.

  • Anon

    REALLY? Jesus, we’re not that desperate.

  • http://www.facebook.com/lisajohnson1982 Lisa Maria

    Lol…Wow. Girl, that’s another argument for another day. But: A man is and was designed to be the head of the household. However, that is not to say that in love and life a woman and man are not equal in love and partnership! *blank stare* ….I mean, What is wrong w/ you broads?? See, women who think they are men, are the exact reason why articles like this ish, telling Black women to marry and procreate w/ Gay men, even exist!

    Do you even understand the very design and nature of a Man? Not a human w/ a penis…I am talking about a M.A.N. I know there are so few who exist anymore, so many males are masquerading as Men, so maybe a lot of you broads may be confused. BUT:

    Man = strong, leader, protector, provider, and King. The only woman who would say some ish like, “Dude, it’s the 21st century. Do men need to be heads of households?” is prob one who grew up seeing not One positive Black male in her life and prob also grew up w/ an angry, single momma, bashing Black men her whole life. Lol…let me stop. I really don’t want to judge you for your beliefs but…You are talking crazy.

    Again, this is really another conversation for an entirely different day but I have to say that as a successful 30 yr. old Post modern Black woman, w/ a Masters degree, soon to enter law school, owns my own home, driving a Lexus, and w/ plenty of other accomplishments that are supposed to signify I’ve “made it”….All Day I acknowledge God’s design for the family and home and it is my Pleasure to submit my heart, my body, and my womb to bear life for a real man and to acknowledge him as the head of my household and respect him as such.

    And any woman who’s ever seen a REAL man in action, live and in color – through her daddy, brother, uncle, her 1rst love or whomever, knows Exactly what I’m talking about!

  • cupcakes and shiraz

    That msg was supposed to go to Honest.

  • Wanda

    Some days, I am really happy that I am old.

  • http://www.facebook.com/lisajohnson1982 Lisa Maria

    Aww…but He believes in you “Moon In the Sky”. :-)

  • Deb

    “But what are the odds that a Black woman would still find this “Good” Black man to still be a worthwhile catch upon learning that he is bisexual? Would these Black women who are so desperate to find a ‘soul mate’ be willing to consider life with a man who openly and honestly admits to having maintained past relationships with both men and women? ”

    This made me so angry.

  • http://www.facebook.com/lisajohnson1982 Lisa Maria

    But we’re all adults..and we all have Freedom of Speech. People need to stop being so sensitive. I don’t believe I read anything that said “I hate gays, die slow”. I mean, human sexuality is and forever will be a hot button topic. It is what it is. Every one is entitled to their own opinion and if you are “gay”, “queer”, or whatever, and you take all these comments personally (I mean, I literally did not see ONE comment personally directed @ one specific person), well I believe that says more about you than it does the one doing the commenting. :-/

  • http://clutchmagazine blcknnblvuu

    I think society in general should be more open about different kinds of relationships((same race,interracial,same gender,polygamy, polyandry,open relationships,cohabitation,monogamy).as long all stakeholders are consenting adults and were honest toward themselves and each other”.to each his own taste.”

  • Anthony

    I’m sure it has already been said, but I will say it again: an active bisexual is not monogamous. That would be a deal breaker for me.

  • steff

    so agree with you!

  • Melyssa

    I wholeheartedly believe this as well.

    I’m sorry but THIS IS HOW I FEEL ABOUT IT!!
    A man claiming Bisexuality is bullshyte, yeah he may have that one woman in his life that he is with but his liasons are mostly with men, not with other women and eventually his true nature/feelings will take over whereas he will just want men.

  • steff

    Please don’t be condescending, how is it a deeper issue??? Whats the difference between a man having sex with a man and man having anal sex with a woman? NOTHING! Honestly the comments on here are disgusting, people need to realise we are in the 21st century. We are a sexually liberated people, who gives a crap if a man gets with a man? Doesnt mean he loves you less or is more likely to cheat, i think some people on here have some issues they need to deal with

  • steff

    Oh please, any time i read “the bible says” i automatically switch off. But i pressed on to read your comment. It is the 21st century, your living in the past with that mind set honestly

  • steff

    Im really really disappointed with a lot of these comments. Every time i think we’re moving forward as a society i see disgusting attitudes protruding and poisoning our progress. Some of the ladies on here have a backwards attitude and are deliberately bashing and discriminating against people you dont even know!! Honestly come on! Im hopeful that future generations will weed out this negative unproductive mindset and be embracing of all cultures and sexuality. I sure as hell will be teaching my (future) kids to never EVER discriminate against anyone based on their sexuality, rather to judge the person by their worth and heart. People need to do some soul searching smdh

  • Allie

    Thank you. I couldn’t look at this article without cringing. Everytime I see bisexual men labeled as gay, I feel like I’ve step into the early 20th century, and we’ve using the Kinsey scale.

  • http://gravatar.com/gatuna The Comment

    don’t sweat it. These are the very same women who cry every nite cause they can’t find someone to love them—-for who they are no doubt; racist, bigoted, backwards, discriminating and just down right inexcusably ignorant.

  • cupcakes and shiraz

    Why do care about other people’s choices?

  • http://gravatar.com/chloerayne516 GirlSixx

    Hey!!! Whatever floats that person’s boat but for myself NO I wouldn’t willingly/knowingly date or marry a Bi-Sexual Man even if he was an ADONIS with x,y,z as described in this post.

    My views on bisexual men is this.. I don’t think they really are bisexual in the first place, they know they prefer and rather be with men but use the term bi-sexual to coax and make it easier of someone accepting or becoming more tolerable of his behavior, if you are his woman already — you will be the only female he sleeps with because his liasons will be WITH MEN not OTHER WOMEN, and eventually his inner feelings (true self) will surface to the point he will just come out as Gay..

    Again this is just my opinion..

  • tulipenoire

    Ignore this comment! Double commented by mistake!

  • steff

    the comment your so right, no point in making my blood boil for something i have no power of!

  • Cia Bia

    If he was not in the closet the why not date him. I am not going to be someone’s “beard” but if they are out about being bisexual then I would consider him just like anyone else. People might say what if he wants to go to a man one day…it can happen anyway. A man might want to go with a larger booty lady, or blond or Asian one day.

  • Nikki T

    This has already been echoed in the comments a number of times but I have to stop lurking for a second and just say that some of these comments are beyond ignorant and it is so disappointing. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, clearly, but it’s problematic when people come on here touting their misinformed opinions as facts.

    Someone who identifies as bi-sexual is not necessarily a “closeted gay”. I think anyone regardless of their sexual preference can be a faithful monogamous partner. To say that a man being attracted to both men and women must actually be gay is ignorant, period.
    And choosing to be with a man who identifies as bisexual does not make you desperate. If you choose to pass up on someone because of their sexual preference, then fine, your decision but don’t insult someone’s decision to not do the same. Are you taking a risk by getting into a relationship with a bisexual man…of course, just like you take a risk with being with ANYONE. A relationship is about taking risks because you’re opening yourself up to being vulnerable. And don’t sit here and say that the risk is higher with someone who is attracted more than one sex unless you have some objective research to support such a statement, which I highly doubt.

    People, STOP WITH THE STEREOTYPING. Go read a book and get informed. It’s funny that on a site like Clutch, a site that caters to a demographic of folks who are consistently stereotyped and misrepresented, that those same folks are coming on here stereotyping and misrepresenting other marginalized groups. Does this not seem problematic???

    I know this won’t change anyone’s views but I’m sorry, I can’t stay silent when I see sad sad ignorance like this. We have to do better people.

  • Rue

    Nope strong black women and strong black men as role models. 2 parent home. Still don’t believe Bible crap…

  • Sylvie

    But this isn’t the workplace.

    I don’t think any of the commenters are trying to deny a bisexual man access to a job or services or saying they are entitled than less to fair and equal treatment in society. Myself and others are saying bisexual men are not entitled to fair and equal access to our hearts and our bodies.

    I have to believe that the romantic realm is one of the only places in the world that you are allowed, encouraged and motivated to discriminate for your own protection, well being, and self-worth.

    There is nothing wrong with saying no, I value myself enough that I will not date/marry/have sex with a bisexual man. That is not discriminating, that is having standards. Now, if a bisexual man wants to live next door to me, work an office over from me, have at it. But in my house, in my marriage, in my body? No thanks.

  • Sylvie

    *entitled to less than fair and equal treatment.

    Should have proofread

  • cupcakes and shiraz

    Ehh you need to gtfo with that noise, dude. I may be over 30, but I ain’t about the HIV life.

  • cupcakes and shiraz

    This coming from someone who thinks that women over 30 should settle for a low-life cretin who sleeps around behind her back. You’re not that much more enlightened.

  • Bisexual Black Father, Brother, Son, Friend

    Hm. Let’s simplify this argument. Frank Ocean…or Chris Brown? Case. Closed.

  • http://yadumujewelry.com Kalhu

    I have tried to hold out on commenting as long as possible, because as my mother taught me “if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.” But I can’t do it. I can’t hold it back anymore.

    First off, I need to clear something up. A lot of y’all have been confusing bisexuality with polyamory. Just because someone is bisexual does not automatically warrant that said person will still be looking for more on the side. I am bisexual (pansexual, if you want to be specific) and when I am in a relationship with a man, I am solely with that man. I am not trolling around for women on the side.

    Being bisexual does not mean that a person will be ‘wanting others.’ Entering into a relationship with a bi person does not mean that you are automatically entering into a non-faithful relationship.

    Why, why is this the automatic assumption?
    Honestly, I am curious as to the answer, because I’ve been sitting here trying to understand the connection. Did I miss something?

    Am I not capable of holding a faithful, monogamous relationship because I am attracted to both men and women? Is that what y’all think?

    Seriously, y’all! Can we step back and think about all of the young kids who will never be honest and open about themselves because of comments like several of the ones that have been left on this blog. I respect the fact that some of y’all would not be interested in dating a bisexual man. I get that. But a lot of these comments have devolved into assumptions and stereotypes that have no basis in reality.

    Wow, honestly did not mean to go on blast, but reading a lot of these comments has left me feeling jaded.

  • http://yadumujewelry.com Kalhu

    Thank you. Thank you. Thank you! I am so tired of hearing all this misinformation. It makes it sound like our entire community are all shifty eyed, two-timing cheaters.

  • http://yadumujewelry.com Kalhu

    @lisamaria Yes, you have the freedom of speech but this is not about that. This is about being respectful and mindful of all the varying identities of people out there.
    How would you like to live in a world where everyday you were told you were a sinner, abnormal, a disgrace? It’s not pretty and while I love that everyone is allowed to express their opinions, I just wish that more people would consider the tone of their message and that their are people on the other side of this arguments with feelings too.

  • cupcakes and shiraz

    Um. The only thing your comments are heavy of is ageist bullshit. You’ve got the nerve to complain about homophobia but otoh, think so little of women over 30 that they should settle for disease-infested scraps. Go KYS.

  • simplyme

    I personally wouldn’t marry a guy that was bisexual… I would always feel like I couldn’t completely “satisfy” his needs. Or that he would never just be content or be able to fully love me in a way that I’d like. I think thats the fear some women seem to be expressing as ignorance. That he will one day get up and say he wants a man… It would have you questioning how much he really liked you all along. I wouldn’t want to deal with that insecurity… I think the issue is most people don’t really “get” bisexuality… I mean I understand it but I don’t really “get it” if that makes sense. I’d gladly have a light make out session with Frank Ocean though.

  • tulipenoire

    Wait…So are you saying that women who do date bisexual men don’t have standards or self-worth? What do you mean by your comment?

    To me, a woman not valuing herself is dating a man who does nothing but bring her down; he uses her or abuses her in some way or whatever else he could do/be that is detrimental to her whole being. How is a man being bisexual bad for a woman if they are in a loving, positive relationship where they build each other up?

  • Come On

    @Honest – Lol. Most 30 year old women are not in a position to negotiate monogamy…Lol. You’re just a bitter dude trying to shame women for not getting married right out of the schoolroom to dudes like you. Well I’m not yet one of these over the hill spinsters you keep going on and on about. I’ll try to wean myself off of the bad boys, thugs, and drug dealers that I’m so fond of before it’s too late. I’ll also make sure to avoid bitter dudes like you. Lol. And are young black women in a better position to “negotiate monogamy.” It doesn’t look like it to me.

    “Concessions need to be made.” Lolz!!! Take your lame advice and shove it. Black women have had low marriage rates for years. Some single women have gotten used to being single. I’m no more willing to make concessions than all the “good black men” who just can’t find a good black woman anywhere. I mean are you all conceding and dating hoodrats and multiple baby daddy baby mommas? Nope. Women should always keep their standards high. That’s the majority of why too many black women have problems: making concessions and lowering standards that help weed out bad partners. No thanks. Maybe I can do that since I’m not yet one of these old women you go on and on and on about.

    I only hear certain types of men going on and on about single 30 year old men. Let me guess. You were attracted to some woman when she was young. She rejected you. Now she’s in her 30s, and you have a hatred of 30 year old women because of her.

    “Women should entertain the men who are attracted & are willing to do whatever it is the women want. ”

    What a stupid statement. So any man that is attracted to you is worth entertaining. You my dear sir are the next Tyrese. If you can’t get a book deal just go setup a Twitter account and tweet your advice.

    It’s funny you talk about black women making poor dating choices yet you dole out the same stupid advice that is the reason so many of them have problems.

    It’s idiotic for someone to complain about poor dating choices and then in the next statement say that standards need to be lowered. Concessions need to be made. Entertain any man who is willing to make eye contact with you. Concede woman!

  • Loreena

    There’s no need to “evolve” into anything. As a straight woman, it’s your right to want a man who’s not partially gay and this article is sick and disgusting for suggesting that black women continue to lower their standards and accept men involved in gay activities when they’re already dying of AIDS at alarming rates. Clutch should be ashamed.

  • Loreena

    This is the comment section of a blog and people will say what’s in their hearts. Sorry many straight women have nothing nice to say about bisexual men who are in their women phase but the truth is the truth, Most of us don’t want them and have strong opinions about why they are unattractive to us. Deal with it.

  • http://www.facebook.com/tamikaadair Tamika Adair

    Now I was going to insert my 2 cents into this, but then you just went on ahead and did so beautifully. Go ‘head, sista. Speak truth to those who are yet still blind.

    Best,

    T

  • http://gravatar.com/pocketsizednegro Courtney**

    “I value myself enough that I will not date/marry/have sex with a bisexual man.”

    ::blinks::

    “I value myself enough that I will not date/marry/have sex with a BLACK man.”

    Yeah, just imagine if a white woman said a crazy thing like that…

    I can understand it not being everyone’s cup of tea. We have some (very harmful, but another post for another day) rigid gender stereotypes that we are indoctrinated with in our society since goddamn birth – but considering yourself DEVALUED for sleeping with someone who happens to be attracted to both genders? GTFOH.

    It’s rather shocking to see how many grown ass, allegedly intelligent women don’t understand basic human sexuality. If someone is a cheater, they are a cheater REGARDLESS of their sexual orientation – not BECAUSE of it. This “fear” that you can’t compete with dick? It’s not a damn competition. The “theories” that bi men are just gay men in denial? ,,, I mean, are you serious??

    iCant with the sheer amount of ignorance in most of the comments that have been posted. We cannot choose who we are attracted to. The idea that someone can both be attracted to men and women really isn’t that complicated and baffling of a concept to wrap your mind around. I am a bisexual woman, in a five-year relationship with a bisexual man. I have never had sex with a woman, but I am attracted to both genders. I am much moreso attracted to men than I am women, but that is what BISEXUAL means – attraction to BOTH genders. It doesn’t mean that all bisexual men are closeted bottom gays (to address the hyperbolic bullshit being thrown about that I, as a woman, couldn’t “address his needs the way a man can” – NEWSFLASH: NOT ALL BISEXUAL MEN ARE BOTTOMS). It doesn’t mean that I am “settling” to be with him – just because YOU (in the general sense) may consider yourself “devalued” for sleeping with a bisexual man doesn’t mean we ALL feel that way.

    Bisexual people are not crazy lust-filled sex fiends who don’t focus on anything other than sex and who feel a gaping hole in our lives when we’re not screwing one gender or the other. For fucks’ sake… human sexuality does not work like that. For some bisexual people, it could simply mean that they are equally (more or less) attracted to both genders and if the personality they are looking for in a partner comes in a female form, so be it. If it comes in a male form, so be it. For some people (like myself), it means that we have an admitted attraction of varying degrees to both genders, but do have a strong preference for one over the other. For others (like my boyfriend), a hole is a hole. He is attracted to both genders but the physical aspect of it isn’t really what is the compelling part of the relationship. He’s a dominant person – so my other point – not all bisexual men are bottoms/submissives! FFS. I understand the (asinine IMO) idea in our society that if one is “penetrated” then you’re the lady/”bitch” in the relationship, but simple logic dictates that just because you’re in a relationship with a bisexual man doesn’t mean that the man is someone who likes to be penetrated. SOMEONE has to be doing the fucking in the relationship for crying out loud.

    I really, really am baffled how such a simple concept (bisexuality) can be the subject of such overtly ridiculous, alarmist, hyperbolic, inane, and blatantly WRONG opinions and theories from otherwise reasonable people.

  • http://www.facebook.com/tamikaadair Tamika Adair

    Now I was going to insert my 2 cents into this debate by advocating for the losing side—the open-minded and enlightened opinion towards inclusion vs. exclusion. However, I must say to you, Nikki T. Bravo for saying everything I have to say beautifully and accurately. You are dead-on in your forward-thinking conclusion.

    It’s time we stopped listening to what the media says we should do with our love lives and start learning about the world we ACTUALLY live in. Not the world we like to think we live in rockin’ our rose-colored glasses.

    While there is a shortage of single and viable black men, globally, there are a growing number of bi-racial or who I like to call “fluid” men. If you want to complain about how many less straight men are available, then you should look to the women’s lib movement for answers. That movement started this sexual evolution that we’re in the midst of and we can no longer deny its effects.

    You can’t have women being more independent and asserting their feminism in their professional and personal lives, and then think they’ll stay submissive in the bedroom. It doesn’t work that way. Just as women have evolved, you can’t expect to have the majority of men stay at the peak of masculinity.

    Because some men have been demoted to more submissive roles in a relationship, and society has succeeded at feminizing men by promoting the image of the “metrosexual” man. You can’t have a guy dress like gay guy, carry & act as man, yet have the aesthetic and some mannerisms of gay guy, without him being curious about the grass on the other side. Especially, if some women (and you know who you are) still like to use sex (or the lack of it) to punish their men.

    Men are very sexual creatures. And they have been since the beginning of time. Gays didn’t just appear out of nowhere. After the 70s, the trickling of gay men coming into the mainstream began. And slowly society moved to acclimate to it. There were growing pains in the form of AIDS, hate crime, gay marriage, etc. Yet, the evolution of gays in the mainstream continued as it does today.

    But, let’s not forget. We are all human, thus all have a right to lead the lives that make us the most happiest. It gets confusing when women are more forward-thinking professionally and personally, yet they still take on that American puritanical stance towards sex.

    Men, right now, are working out their own sexual identity. There are some awesome men out there, who heterosexual women stereotype as gay. I should know. I’ve dated/befriended and chilled with the best. But, they don’t personally see themselves as gay. However, since a majority of women with more traditional attitudes aren’t giving them play (in a consistent fashion), they are forced to entertain interest from men whom embrace them for who they are fully without question, judgment or complaint. Therefore, they don’t see themselves as gay because they really want to be with women.

    Especially, since studies out there say that most homosexual (I’m only using the term to describe the type of sex, not the orientation of the two parties) sex isn’t, contrary to popular belief, anal. In fact, that’s the lowest denominator of homosexual sex. They rather do mutual masturbation and oral sex, because it’s safer that way.

    It took a long time for women to redefine their sexual identity as independent women, we should give men the room to the same and with no judgment, I might add.

    Honestly, when guys flirt with the possibility of having sex with another man, they aren’t thinking they are gay. They are about having sex. It’s just that simple. It’s women and close-minded or closeted gay men who hate themselves who call these men gay. Not them. They just want to explore the confines of their own personal sexual identity. Only they know those boundaries. Not you. So, don’t think superimposing your limited perception, beliefs and sexual values on them is valued, accurate, or warranted. Because it’s not. It’s childish, uninformed, and weak.

    In this post-modern age where our rights as American citizens are slowly diminishing away, we are taking a cue from the global perception on American sex and breaking down these puritanical barriers in our personal lives.

    Now you might not like the sex that we have as open-minded, fluid people who are attracted to beautiful, like-minded souls regardless of race, affiliation, creed, religion, and sexual orientation. But, at least we’re getting sex. And not only sex. But, VERY safe and mind-blowing sex. Just because we’re open-minded about sex, doesn’t make us idiots.

    To co-relate our open-mindedness with a lack of concern for our own personal safety and to call the people we date/love/fuck diseased and mere scraps just hints at your own brand of inhumanity.

    Love is not a utopia. The sooner you realize that, the happier you’ll be.

    ENDQUOTE.

  • http://www.facebook.com/tamikaadair Tamika Adair

    Now I was going to insert my 2 cents into this debate by advocating for the losing side—the open-minded and enlightened opinion towards inclusion vs. exclusion. However, I must say to you, Nikki T. Bravo for saying everything I have to say beautifully and accurately. You are dead-on in your forward-thinking conclusion.

    It’s time we stopped listening to what the media says we should do with our love lives and start learning about the world we ACTUALLY live in. Not the world we like to think we live in rockin’ our rose-colored glasses.

    While there is a shortage of single and viable black men, globally, there are a growing number of bi-racial or who I like to call “fluid” men. If you want to complain about how many less straight men are available, then you should look to the women’s lib movement for answers. That movement started this sexual evolution that we’re in the midst of and we can no longer deny its effects.

    You can’t have women being more independent and asserting their feminism in their professional and personal lives, and then think they’ll stay submissive in the bedroom. It doesn’t work that way. Just as women have evolved, you can’t expect to have the majority of men stay at the peak of masculinity.

    Because some men have been demoted to more submissive roles in a relationship, and society has succeeded at feminizing men by promoting the image of the “metrosexual” man. You can’t have a guy dress like gay guy, carry & act as man, yet have the aesthetic and some mannerisms of gay guy, without him being curious about the grass on the other side. Especially, if some women (and you know who you are) still like to use sex (or the lack of it) to punish their men.

    Men are very sexual creatures. And they have been since the beginning of time. Gays didn’t just appear out of nowhere. After the 70s, the trickling of gay men coming into the mainstream began. And slowly society moved to acclimate to it. There were growing pains in the form of AIDS, hate crime, gay marriage, etc. Yet, the evolution of gays in the mainstream continued as it does today.

    But, let’s not forget. We are all human, thus all have a right to lead the lives that make us the most happiest. It gets confusing when women are more forward-thinking professionally and personally, yet they still take on that American puritanical stance towards sex.

    Men, right now, are working out their own sexual identity. There are some awesome men out there, who heterosexual women stereotype as gay. I should know. I’ve dated/befriended and chilled with the best. But, they don’t personally see themselves as gay. However, since a majority of women with more traditional attitudes aren’t giving them play (in a consistent fashion), they are forced to entertain interest from men whom embrace them for who they are fully without question, judgment or complaint. Therefore, they don’t see themselves as gay because they really want to be with women.

    Especially, since studies out there say that most homosexual (I’m only using the term to describe the type of sex, not the orientation of the two parties) sex isn’t, contrary to popular belief, anal. In fact, that’s the lowest denominator of homosexual sex. They rather do mutual masturbation and oral sex, because it’s safer that way.

    It took a long time for women to redefine their sexual identity as independent women, we should give men the room to the same and with no judgment, I might add.

    Honestly, when guys flirt with the possibility of having sex with another man, they aren’t thinking they are gay. They are about having sex. It’s just that simple. It’s women and close-minded or closeted gay men who hate themselves who call these men gay. Not them. They just want to explore the confines of their own personal sexual identity. Only they know those boundaries. Not you. So, don’t think superimposing your limited perception, beliefs and sexual values on them is valued, accurate, or warranted. Because it’s not. It’s childish, uninformed, and weak.

    In this post-modern age where our rights as American citizens are slowly diminishing away, we are taking a cue from the global perception on American sex and breaking down these puritanical barriers in our personal lives.

    Now you might not like the sex that we have as open-minded, fluid people who are attracted to beautiful, like-minded souls regardless of race, affiliation, creed, religion, and sexual orientation. But, at least we’re getting sex. And not only sex. But, VERY safe and mind-blowing sex. Just because we’re open-minded about sex, doesn’t make us idiots.

    To co-relate our open-mindedness with a lack of concern for our own personal safety and to call the people we date/love/fuck diseased and mere scraps just hints at your own brand of inhumanity.

    Love is not a utopia. The sooner you realize that, the happier you’ll be.

    ENDQUOTE.

  • http://www.facebook.com/tamikaadair Tamika Adair

    And that’s definitely okay to admit that you don’t understand it. I just wish others out there had that some courage to admit that they don’t know that much about it to form a rational opinion on the subject right now.

    We never know what life places before us. It’s our job as humans to figure that shit out on our own time and through our own lens of experience. Not media’s. Because honestly, media doesn’t dictate life. We do. Media only captures & reports on life, albeit in a very subjective and inaccurate fashion sometimes (I’m being generous).

    However, it’s fine that you have that stance that you won’t marry a guy that’s bisexual. My only suggestion to you is to start that conversation with an honest, charismatic platonic bisexual male friend or acquaintance with whom you have a comfortable rapport to share your view and ask questions. Wait… Ask questions first, listen, then share. That way, it’s less likely to come off as off-putting. Try to hear his take on it as objectively as you can stomach without getting offended. His truth refers only to his experience and knowledge. He’s not trying to corrupt you with it.

    Because hearing someone else’s truth doesn’t make it any less true just because it doesn’t align with your personal truth. That’s why it’s important, periodically, to our ongoing human evolution to travel outside our homogenous social/cultural circles and learn about new perspectives and ideas.

    The world is changing faster than ever. It’s about time humans caught up.

  • Jen

    I think I just found out that is website is targeted at African American people lol.. I am not anywhere near that.. tho I do have biracial siblings.. oh well..

    as far as I am concerned .. why not? I mean all bisexual means is that they find both sexes equally attractive.. I mean being bisexual doesn’t mean that they are more likely to cheat or want someone else.. If the person loves you and is dedicated then he will stay and not cheat.. be he bisexual or not.. Bisexual people don’t typically limit themselves to only uncommitted relationships simply because they may crave the same sex someday.. They go in to relationships hoping for the same thing as most others.. Commitment,loyalty and stability. If he ends up straying from the relationship.. chances are the relationship in general is having some issues that you may or may not have been aware of… A bisexual person will stray from a relationship for just about the same reasons anyone else strays..

    My resources: I know a couple bisexual ppl.

  • Humanista

    I think the question being considered is whether or not a truly bisexual man is “less”.

  • cupcakes and shiraz

    Yeah keep on spinning that bullshit, dude. I’m sure your warped beliefs will comfort you when you’re rotting away from some corrosive STD. People like you work from a simple, primitive mindset that only seeks satisfaction from base pleasures like sexual promiscuity.

    You’re nothing more than an unintelligent, feral creature.

  • cupcakes and shiraz

    I agree with you, Sylvie. I don’t have an issue with two men being intimate or a dude being feminine- none of that. That is their business. However, I have yet to meet a bi guy who isn’t hypersexual or non-monogamous. Promiscuity is a complete dealbreaker, so I just prefer a regular straight guy who wants a traditional one on one relationship/

    I don’t have a problem with white women who don’t want to date black men. I actually find white women who date interracially more obnoxious than those who stick with their own kind.

  • BoutDatLove

    @The Moon in the Sky

    I understand number 1, that was what I was implying. I know both have estrogen but woman have more as you stated, I know that we are biologically different. I was speaking more so of the feminine behavior.

    2. Once again, the point of that was speaking of the feminine ways of homosexual males… I obviously know that woman and gay men are obviously different…. Ugh smh I wasn’t being literal.

  • http://gravatar.com/pocketsizednegro Courtney**

    The thumbs down for you make me genuinely sad. I agree with everything that you have said and think you have a wonderful, healthy attitude and outlook toward this topic.

  • miss@

    I would date Frank Ocean in a heartbeat and Maxwell too. I think they’re both attractive. On the flip side if I were a man I’d date Amber Rose.

    What’s the problem? Someone is doing exactly what black women have needed them to do for years. Openly telling me he is bisexual gives me options. If he’s a damn good man, not sure if I’d let that go just because he’s attracted to men. I think it’s important to remember that bisexuality isn’t synonymous with promiscuity. I know men get off on women being with other women, thus why Amber Rose gets a pass without questions and most women, but wow, men it’s a whole other ball of complex wax. I’m not ready to write a man off because he tells me openly and honestly that he’s either attracted to men and ever acted on it, or has and still wants a life with me and this isn’t out of desperation. I totally hate that black women are still the mules of the world through this obsession with if we’re married or not. It’s just a damn shame that they use us to make all kinds of asinine points. No one should be dating anyone out of desperation. So no, I wouldn’t date a black man who was bisexual out of desperation, but a black man who told me he was upfront, and we found a connection. I dunno. I might do that. Just being honest.

    Before Frank Ocean revealed his sexuality proclivities, I thought he was just the sexiest cool quirky kind of guy I could fantasize about in R&B, and sorry but that hasn’t changed since his announcement. I mean how does one turn that off? Sometimes I can do without listening to Forest Gump (the song) but other than that I’d hit it, lol.

    I’d like to know how Bishop Eddie Long’s wife handles his bisexuality.

  • SadComments

    FINALLY! I have been reading all the comments and been thinking, “really????” I’m queer myself, and I make sure to make this distinction to anyone in my life who spews that nonsense. Just like I tell the straight dudes who are all “hehe, my girl got a girlfriend” outside of the agreed parameters of their relation, that she is CHEATING on you! Like female sexuality, is cute, its a joke. But no. She is cheating on you. Ugh. For the record, I would marry the hell out of a bisexual man if I loved him.

    Thanks for being a voice of reason.

  • SadComments

    yup, you’re wrong!

  • SadComments

    I wonder if there is a large queer audience on this website. I’m queer too, but I have never spent much time on this site, just in and out to read articles that were cross-posted on xoJane. Maybe we need to show up full force and demand some freaking respect from the executives at this website.

  • Medusa

    I find it interesting that you acknowledge that masculinity is socially constructed, acknowledge the double-standard, and still say no.

    I wouldn’t limit myself to only men that are not bisexual. Being bisexual doesn’t mean he’ll beat me, cheat on me, or lie to me. It just means he’s attracted ot men as well as women. BFD.

  • Someone’s Reachin’

    Neither and Celibacy are options for the less thirsty.

  • a

    The answer is white men since everybody knows they’re lining up around the block to marry sisters.

  • http://Clutch SL

    That’s a load of bullshit and I hope no one falls for it!

  • http://Clutch SL

    She divorced his ass as he should’ve. Catch up.

  • Marjorie Samuels-Green

    I can tell you that marry white is not the answer. I have a friend who is white and marrying an Asian woman (his second marriage). He’s bi, plus into swinging, transgender, being a single for couples, a big drinker, and much more. She hasn’t a clue and is even friends with one of the guys he’s been with. He’s never been faithful through the 5 years they’ve been together. And, yet on paper he is perfect. He is a very well off professional with his own businesses and likes to travel the world and take her with him. It’s easy to say, Well maybe he’s changed, but this guy has NO boundaries. I found out stuff about my own husband the hard way and am on a path to getting out. I say all this to say, that once a man gets a taste of his limitless possibilities it’s naive to assume that one woman can make him give all that up for her. All he’ll do is find better ways to hide it. Or in my friend’s case, marry someone from a culture that doesn’t ask questions and is so grateful to have anyone that she won’t rock the boat. She is a superstar among her people. They envy her. Hard to let his “freak” behavior get in the way of that even if it all comes bursting out of the closet someday. (That’s why his first wife got rid of him!)

  • cupcakes and shiraz

    I’m sorry to hear about things not working out with your husband. I hope your friend’s fiancee finds out about this man before she marries him.

  • http://Clutch SL

    Thank you Marjorie. Nothing else needs to be said.

  • http://gravatar.com/seritatheresa seritatheresa

    Marry who treats you well, makes you happy, and will work with you to achieve common goals.

  • Pseudonym

    Are you a woman? If so, than that’s probably why you have the perspective that you do. I know plenty of women who are bisexual and are able to maintain monogamous relationships with both men and women at separate times. “Bisexual” men that I have known, however, always eventually come out as gay and, if there’s a girlfriend/wife around, that “coming out” includes breaking up with her. I have seen many a bisexual woman marry a man and be in a monogamous heterosexual relationship for the rest of her life (so far) whereas I have never met a “bisexual” man who has remained in a monogamous heterosexual relationship. Do you really not notice this difference between how bisexuality is expressed in males and females?

  • Ashley

    I agree. I’m not sure of whether or not I would date a bisexual man, but I think it is truly important to hear and learn about different perspectives. At the end of the day, you have to take people as individuals. I am sure there are many women on this website who have said that they’d never date outside their race who are now dating outside their race. Why? Because they met someone who changed their minds. I see the same type of thing in this situation. You never know how you’ll truly behave in a situation until you are faced with it.

  • B

    Huh?!

  • B

    This is the thing: there is enough trouble worrying about a straight man who won’t be faithful and the possibility of him (in the context of the article). A BISEXUAL MAN? You may as well dig your own grave.

  • http://twitter.com/defamehumanity β R U I S Σ S (@defamehumanity)

    Wow, these comments are ridiculous. Most of you guys are uninformed, prejudiced, homophobic pieces of shit.

  • cupcakes and shiraz

    Your comment is not anymore intelligent, I’m afraid,

  • cupcakes and shiraz

    And you notice all the people who were screaming bigotry got nothing to say about Marjorie’s reply right? Yep. Even they know that you can’t change certain men into boyfriend/husband material.

  • http://Clutch SL

    I notice – tsk tsk – sad beyond belief for any woman to fall or settle for so little in life. Damn pathetic.

  • http://Clutch SL

    As long as he ain’t into fuckin’ men.

  • http://Clutch SL

    Bam! You hit it @B.

  • http://yadumujewelry.com Kalhu

    Hi @pseudonym,
    I don’t know who you have met but I have both dated several bi-men, am friends with several bi-men, and actively participate in the lgbtq community where I am surrounded by men of all kinds and I have never seen what you are describing.
    Maybe what you are seeing is a community where homophobia runs rampant, so many men will test the waters by saying they’re bi. They do so to see your immediate reaction and if it’s a bad one, then they can immediately retract and say that hold up, I still like women too.
    I have never personally experienced this, but when I sat back to consider your comment and several similar comments, I had to wonder why a lot of you have been experiencing this. Or believe that all bi-men are gay.
    Let me just reassure you that not all bi-men are gay. The majority aren’t, actually. And if they are doing what I previously described than we need to take a look at our community and interrogate why these men do not feel safe and/or confident enough to express their true sexuality. Not hate on the men for being ‘lying bastards.’
    And honestly, if you have read a lot of the comments on this blog, then who can blame a man for being scared to come out. I know it took me years to finally come out to my family, and they were not nearly half as hateful as some of the comments on this article.

    And to answer your first question, yes I am a woman. : )

  • http://akamissi.wordpress.com akamissi

    First I want to applaud Danielle Pointdujour for her radical article, bringing to front an issue that most likely many women face alone. Our culture has come along way from the days when TV shows had couples sleeping in separate beds, (i.e. – I Love Lucy). Sexuality, love and family have changed dramatically in the past decade; the right to love and be love is becoming less a uniformed idea and more diverse.

    However, I have to express my honest response to the article that exposed new territory in the dating world and the comments that it evoked. When I read the article I thought, is marriage really that important to people? In a world where family and love is redefine; what does marriage really means and why are people still so hooked on an old tradition even with their redefined relationships?

    The next thought that came to mind, answer the main question of the article, “Should women looking to marry, consider bisexual men?” For me, Hell Na, I don’t want to add to my list of potential husbands’ – men who have slept with men. I may seem closed minded to a commenter or two that feels ignorance of bisexuality is the reason some women are not open to the idea. However, for me, something is unattractive about a man attracted to men. Although I watch TV, listen to radio to and from work and I am always on the internet; I would have to disagree with those who think my consumption of media, influence my definition of love. My definition of love started in my home as a child. As I grew up my wants and non-negotiable needs in a relationship came from my experiences. My experiences have taught me that bisexual men and gay men, although some argue differences; at the end of the day, it is clear they have feelings that attract them to men. No matter what attraction a man may have for me, his desire for a man gives him a desire I can never fill and I don’t want to. My feelings do not make me less educated or more confused about the situation. It just means that my selection is not as diverse as others and that’s okay.

    In retrospect, women who decide that bisexual men is an option; I hope that they are true to themselves in their quest to broaden their selection of eligible men. It would be a shame to find yourself in an unwanted situation just to fill the need of another unwanted situation.

    Marriage just like love is not something that we should force or feel pressure to do by some timeline or certain age. It should not be our main focus in life, so much so that we spend countless hours thinking of a plan to get “the one”, (i.e. expanding the dating pool to…) it should be an experience that happens while we focus on our personal growth and happiness.

  • SL

    “why are people still so hooked on an old tradition even with their redefined relationships”

    who deemed marriage to be an old (uesless) tradition? Really, who? Black people???? Have we gotten so progressive – so free – that anything goes? What the hell next I wonder? Nah, I don’t.

    There is no other race of ppl who seek to divest themselves of marriage as quickly as AA. Why? Especially, when we can tell that our little experiement is having devastating consequences.

    Are we so much smarter than other people groups? If we are, then with all our liberal anything goes attitude we ought to be able to fix some of the problems in our community without looking to the government first for a handout.

    No, the marriage is outdated stance is nothing more than a thinly veiled excuse for a bunch of people INCAPABLE of managing decent relationships.

    Get your heads from between your knees. If marriage was such a bad thing, you better believe WE’D be the fucking last to know about it. All you single people, when you fork over your hard earned money to the tax man every year – guess who is getting got??? YOU! You want economic propserity???? How you can manage that when most of what you earn is being tax at 36% your income or higher if you don’t own something. Right, but ahead with the marriage is useless/outdated theology.

    I don’t advocate living your life solely to get married, but people who chose that road should be in the minority. The majority of people should marry and DO marry in most other people groups.

    The level of darkness masquerading as truth is gut-wrenching and the deception amongst us is unreal. Truly it is.

    This stuff that is being spewed here left and right is pure GARBAGE – it needs to be taken to a landfill and dispensed with….SMH.

    Here’s the real deal: in DC where I live – HIV is the most rampant among Black Females than any other group in the nation!!! The infect rates trumps that of the white gay community in totality. You think all these women don’t know what their men are into – think again! This is what desparation to have a man at any cost will get you! It will claim you sorry ass right to the grave. If you sign on for this bullshit, you will have dug your own grave literally.

    I hope someone has some sense out there. Good luck to you.

  • SL

    Get this – if marriage was such an unwanted institution do you think Gays would be fighting so hard for marriage equality??? Yet, we Black ppl are so much smarter than everyone else – we say to hell with marriage. Dear God, the level of ignorance amongst us knows no limits….SMH

  • http://akamissi.wordpress.com akamissi

    Thanks for the response. I see now that perception is everything, when I read that you compare what I said to me saying marriage is “useless”. I am far from the one that thinks that marriage is useless. However; I do believe that people have come to a place in today society where they will continue to redefined love and what it means to them,( there’s nothing anyone can do about it!) Hence, my question what does the value of a traditional marriage mean to those not traditional? Yes finance is a benefit for marriage but even with that, I would not go running to the altar for an upgrade. I would go into the other half of my comment, but you seemed to only be passionate about the question of the importance of marriage. So to make it clear, I don’t think marriage is useless. I feel like those who even consider it should take it seriously and not like another thing they can check off the “to do” list. People should have a clear definition of what it means to them to get married and why they want to do it in the first place. So that they won’t be so focused on the act of getting married as much as the process of having healthy relationships. The NEED to get married as you can see has made some creative.

  • http://akamissi.wordpress.com akamissi

    Thanks for the response. I see now that perception is everything, when I read that you compare what I said to me saying marriage is “useless”. I am far from the one that thinks that marriage is useless. However; I do believe that people have come to a place in today society where they will continue to redefined love and what it means to them,( there’s nothing anyone can do about it!) Hence, my question what does the value of a traditional marriage mean to those not traditional? Yes finance is a benefit for marriage but even with that, I would not go running to the altar for an upgrade. I would go into the other half of my comment, but you seemed to only be passionate about the question of the importance of marriage. So to make it clear, I don’t think marriage is useless. I feel like those who even consider it should take it seriously and not like another thing they can check off the “to do” list. People should have a clear definition of what it means to them to get married and why they want to do it in the first place. So that they won’t be so focused on the act of getting married as much as the process of having healthy relationships. The NEED to get married as you can see has made some creative.

  • a

    Thanks for the response. I see now that perception is everything, when I read that you compare what I said to me saying marriage is “useless”. I am far from the one that thinks that marriage is useless. However; I do believe that people have come to a place in today society where they will continue to redefined love and what it means to them,( there’s nothing anyone can do about it!) Hence, my question what does the value of a traditional marriage mean to those not traditional? Yes finance is a benefit for marriage but even with that, I would not go running to the altar for an upgrade. I would go into the other half of my comment, but you seemed to only be passionate about the question of the importance of marriage. So to make it clear, I don’t think marriage is useless. I feel like those who even consider it should take it seriously and not like another thing they can check off the “to do” list. People should have a clear definition of what it means to them to get married and why they want to do it in the first place. So that they won’t be so focused on the act of getting married as much as the process of having healthy relationships. The NEED to get married as you can see has made some creative.

  • SL

    No, I understtood your comment. I just weighed it against the larger back drop that has consumed our community. I’ve been hearing the institution of marriage being questioned for sometime now in our community and the current trending strongly suggests that many feel it is not necessary – much to the detriment of the larger community as a whole.

    First, I do not think that ANYONE should rush to the alter. So we ABSOLUTELY AGREE with each other. There are people who should never marry!

    What I don’t understand is why we view marriage as a competitor to self-fulfillment and self-realization. We act as if these things are mutually exclusive – either you have to have one or the other but you can not have both. I do not believe that is correct thinking. Most people can manage careers and families – very few of us have careers that consume us in total where we can’t think about anything else. Truth be told, I think we use that as an excuse because we’ve been met with disappointment.

    So right now, we have a bunch of misguided stunted people who are INCAPABLE of being in relationship longterm.

    We have raised an entire generation now who did not witness marriage in their households – or they witnessed people getting married who had no business getting married – so the first thing they do is slam it or disregard it and to me that is so damaging. We’ve raised a generation of people who are reaching for something to fill the God-given needs in their life – yet they are doing it in a deviant way that will utlimately destroy their life.

    Marrying a man who is bisexual is like putting a loaded gun to your head and playing Russian Roulette….

    I don’t see any upside here in the longrun…..

  • http://gravatar.com/ceecollegegal CeeCee

    Clive Davis’ old a$$ announcing that he is bisexual…I mean who cares at this point. -_-.

    Anyway, If I was born before the time that AIDS emerged then I wouldn’t mind dating a bisexual man. But at this present time, when there are so many guys my age who can’t even be honest about living with their mom…then no.

  • Pingback: Solution to SBW Crisis: Black Women Should Just Marry Each Other | Clutch Magazine

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