Should Women Looking To Marry Consider Bisexual Men?
Picture it.
You’re on your way to work, checking your Blackberry as you rush down the street, when you bump into a man. Not just any man, an Adonis. He gives his apologies, pays you a compliment and you engage in brief chit-chat before eventually exchanging numbers and heading on your way. Later that evening he calls and you spend the entire night into the morning getting to know him. This Adonis is all you’ve been looking for. He’s tall, dark, handsome, college educated, stable career, decent credit, owns a condo, athletic, has never been in jail, no kids, loves his momma…the works! Over the weekend you two head out on a date and have a fantastic time, sparks fly.
A few more dates go by and you learn that he is more than ready to settle down and have kids, matter of fact, his views on marriage and family life practically mirror your own. Score! You start to think ‘Where has this man been all my life! Could my search be over?’ Later that night he calls you to tell you how much he likes you and enjoys being with you, you gladly return the compliment and just as you feel yourself floating up to cloud nine he says “I really like you and would love to get to know you better, but I must be honest. I’m bisexual.”
Pause for dramatic effect.
Oddly enough this scenario is not that farfetched. Mega music mogul Clive Davis just admitted in his recently released memoir that he is bisexual and currently in a relationship with a man despite having been married twice to women. We’ll just assume his wives knew because, well, I’m sure we all knew before he told us. Anyway, on paper Clive, and many like him, meet every single qualification on the lists many women keep and appear to be perfect marriage material, except for the fact that they are bisexual men. So what happens now? Do you scratch a man off the list and call your girls to complain, yet again, about how you can’t find a good man? But wait, he is a good man….isn’t he? The plight of the single black woman is well documented; a simple Google search will yield tons of articles discussing our issues when it comes to marriage. Last year Ralph Banks, a writer for The Wall Street Journal, suggested that the solution to our problems would be to simply marry a white man. Now if white men, who Banks readily admits don’t necessarily want us, need to become an option in order to increase our potential marriage pool, should we also start including bisexual men?
Hear me out.
I’m not talking about homosexual men who are still trapped in R. Kelly’s closet, I’m talking about good, decent, hardworking men who are honest about their sexual desires for other men, yet still sincerely desire to be married and have a family with a woman. If these men meet all the qualifications we as black women are seeking, should they be counted out simply because they have slept with men? Does the fact that they sleep with men automatically negate their ‘Good Black Man’ status and husband potential? Straight men marry bisexual women all the time without blinking an eye, a bisexual woman’s preferences rarely, if ever, take her out of the running when it comes to marriage and motherhood. Why couldn’t this be the case for a bisexual man? Think of how many more potential husbands and fathers could be added to our supposedly shrinking marriage pool if we opened ourselves up to this idea.
There’s an article over on The Fresh Xpress in which the writer, Rippa, speaks on this topic as it relates to his friend Corey. Corey is all of the things I’ve mentioned above, he meets the ‘Good Black Man’ standard, and he is also bisexual. According to Rippa:
“There are many bisexual (and homosexual) men and women who exhibit behavior in line with traditional gender roles up to and including the desire to marry someone they love and are waiting for the day when it will be their turn to pop out some youngins.
But what are the odds that a Black woman would still find this “Good” Black man to still be a worthwhile catch upon learning that he is bisexual? Would these Black women who are so desperate to find a ‘soul mate’ be willing to consider life with a man who openly and honestly admits to having maintained past relationships with both men and women? If he were to commit to one woman while in a relationship I don’t feel like his sexual history with men would matter any more than a straight man’s sexual history with other women. After all, as a bi man, Corey is DEFINITELY attracted to Black woman.”
So ladies, would you ever consider dating and marrying a bisexual man? Is a history of sexual relations with men an automatic disqualification for you? Why? Do you think there is a double standard when it comes to marrying bisexual men as opposed to bisexual women?
If you’re discussing marriage, he should truly believe he can be monosexual (okay…so I made that word up :) )and be with a woman for life. If he still wants to be intimate with women + men, he’s not ready for marriage.
Actually, monosexual is a real word. lol
Damn bitches thirst is that of all African and Middle East deserts combined. Smh it must be horrific for some women out there to even consider or date, a man who had more dicks then you lmaooo. This will go down in the history of thristdom as one of thirstiest thirst ever. To accept a battyboi just to be finally married. Bisexual to me is a gay man who won’t come out the closet because, grandma might have a stroke and die.
RFLMAO!!!!
*Goes to get MISS_EMCEE a mic and a pulpit*…..You better Preach!!!
Accepting a bi-sexual husband would be settling for less than you deserve. I would hope that most of us Black women have more self-worth than that. Yes men cheat, but going in knowing that he will want others means that you are accepting that he will be unfaithful. I can’t give him what another man can give him, and I won’t even try. Of course unless you go into the marriage with some kind of non-traditional arrangement. Then it’s whatever you agree to!
I have tried to hold out on commenting as long as possible, because as my mother taught me “if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all.” But I can’t do it. I can’t hold it back anymore.
First off, I need to clear something up. A lot of y’all have been confusing bisexuality with polyamory. Just because someone is bisexual does not automatically warrant that said person will still be looking for more on the side. I am bisexual (pansexual, if you want to be specific) and when I am in a relationship with a man, I am solely with that man. I am not trolling around for women on the side.
Being bisexual does not mean that a person will be ‘wanting others.’ Entering into a relationship with a bi person does not mean that you are automatically entering into a non-faithful relationship.
Why, why is this the automatic assumption?
Honestly, I am curious as to the answer, because I’ve been sitting here trying to understand the connection. Did I miss something?
Am I not capable of holding a faithful, monogamous relationship because I am attracted to both men and women? Is that what y’all think?
Seriously, y’all! Can we step back and think about all of the young kids who will never be honest and open about themselves because of comments like several of the ones that have been left on this blog. I respect the fact that some of y’all would not be interested in dating a bisexual man. I get that. But a lot of these comments have devolved into assumptions and stereotypes that have no basis in reality.
Wow, honestly did not mean to go on blast, but reading a lot of these comments has left me feeling jaded.
FINALLY! I have been reading all the comments and been thinking, “really????” I’m queer myself, and I make sure to make this distinction to anyone in my life who spews that nonsense. Just like I tell the straight dudes who are all “hehe, my girl got a girlfriend” outside of the agreed parameters of their relation, that she is CHEATING on you! Like female sexuality, is cute, its a joke. But no. She is cheating on you. Ugh. For the record, I would marry the hell out of a bisexual man if I loved him.
Thanks for being a voice of reason.
Are you a woman? If so, than that’s probably why you have the perspective that you do. I know plenty of women who are bisexual and are able to maintain monogamous relationships with both men and women at separate times. “Bisexual” men that I have known, however, always eventually come out as gay and, if there’s a girlfriend/wife around, that “coming out” includes breaking up with her. I have seen many a bisexual woman marry a man and be in a monogamous heterosexual relationship for the rest of her life (so far) whereas I have never met a “bisexual” man who has remained in a monogamous heterosexual relationship. Do you really not notice this difference between how bisexuality is expressed in males and females?
Every “bisexual” man I’ve ever met eventually gets up the nerve to come out as “gay.”
And where will that leave his wife?
Hi @pseudonym,
I don’t know who you have met but I have both dated several bi-men, am friends with several bi-men, and actively participate in the lgbtq community where I am surrounded by men of all kinds and I have never seen what you are describing.
Maybe what you are seeing is a community where homophobia runs rampant, so many men will test the waters by saying they’re bi. They do so to see your immediate reaction and if it’s a bad one, then they can immediately retract and say that hold up, I still like women too.
I have never personally experienced this, but when I sat back to consider your comment and several similar comments, I had to wonder why a lot of you have been experiencing this. Or believe that all bi-men are gay.
Let me just reassure you that not all bi-men are gay. The majority aren’t, actually. And if they are doing what I previously described than we need to take a look at our community and interrogate why these men do not feel safe and/or confident enough to express their true sexuality. Not hate on the men for being ‘lying bastards.’
And honestly, if you have read a lot of the comments on this blog, then who can blame a man for being scared to come out. I know it took me years to finally come out to my family, and they were not nearly half as hateful as some of the comments on this article.
And to answer your first question, yes I am a woman. : )
@ Nicole:
See this is how people play Jedi Mind Tricks on themselves…
What is the difference between a closeted (“down low”) gay man, & a bisexual man? Especially if both men are willing to have sex with you & other men?
The answer: there is no difference.
As a man that is 100% straight, as far as I’m concerned, a Bi man is just a gay man that also enjoys women from time to time.
Any woman that is desperate enough to consider such a man as a life mate, is a fool.
I can’t believe I’m actually agreeing with you for once.
I can’t believe you like Cupcakes and Shiraz together.
Haha actually, I don’t recommend pairing cake with wine. It makes for a nasty hangover.