If You Don’t Like Women, I Don’t Trust You

by Britni Danielle

Friends

“There’s a special place in hell for women who don’t help each other.” Madeleine Albright

How many times have you heard another woman say:

“I just don’t get along with other women.”

“I don’t have any female friends.”

Or the kicker, “I just don’t trust b*tches!”

Throughout my life I’ve heard every iteration of my fellow sisters’ mistrust of their own kind, and each and every time, it pains me to hear it.

Because here’s what I know:

If you don’t like/trust/or kick it with women—I don’t trust you.

Here’s the thing: I used to be one of those girls. When I was growing up I was a bit of a tomboy and hung out with boys. While I always had a small circle of female friends, I seemed to be more at home with the fellas.

Why? I felt like I could be myself with them. I could talk about sports, music, and kung fu flicks, and I didn’t have to worry about being shunned because my LA Gears didn’t match my uniform or my hair wasn’t styled just so.

I just didn’t trust women. I didn’t trust that they’d have my back and wouldn’t gossip about me fiercely once I left the room.

Despite being raised in the company of strong and supportive women, I still looked at them suspiciously—after all, every show, film, and hit record taught me that women were ruthless, conniving, and quick to kick you out the circle if you dared to be different.

These fears were unfounded, though.

From the moment I switched schools in the 5th grade until today, women have been some of my closest allies.

Over the years, I’ve gotten jobs, apartments, and hook-ups because of the support of my sister circle. I’ve been introduced to editors, gotten invited to events, and have had THE BEST NIGHTS EVER, all because of women.

So when another woman says they can’t stand other women or they don’t have any (and I mean not a single one) female friends, it gives me pause.

I typically abhor using the term, “self-hate,” but when anyone says they dislike people who are like them, my senses begin to tingle.

Throughout our lives, we women have been taught to view each other as the enemy. Despite needing and relying on our sisters for centuries, we’ve also been taught to compete with them for mates, jobs, and the token position of being the woman in the room.

When I hear other women say they can’t stand women, it makes me sad because what they’re really saying is that they can’t stand parts of themselves.

People come into our lives as mirrors. Those we love reflect back the best, most loving parts of ourselves. And those we hate highlight the flaws within ourselves we want to hide.

So the next time you catch yourself uttering the phrase, “I don’t like_____” ask yourself why. Maybe what you’re really saying is, I don’t like myself.

 

Britni Danielle is the author of “Break Out of Your Box: 5 Steps to Start Following Your Dreams“. Follow her on Twitter @BritniDWrites

  • Nope

    I am definitely suspicious of women that can’t stand other women. I can understand if you have had some personal issues of your own with women, but a lot of women haven’t. They just say that to seem cool and get points with men. Many women see other women as competition. It’s like a woman watching sports only to get a guy by trying to put yourself ahead of the competition by being more male-identified.

  • lol

    this !!!!!!!!!!

  • AJ

    I thought it was just me…instant side-eye from me

  • Marketing Gimmicks

    Women who are mistrustful of other women with black and white thinking have more than likely been burned badly by a woman she once trusted in some cases NEEDED to trust.

    I once had a friend who didn’t trust women because she was emotionally abused by her Aunt, Sister and Drug Addicted Mother. She grew up learning that women can be capable of DEEP betrayal and that was her blueprint. Mistrust always has a source and doesn’t just fall out of the sky.

    But yes. As much as women can be inspiring, supporting, nurturing and loving some women are capable of inflicting great pain: meanness, cattiness, pettiness, jealousy, envy, phoniness and fakeness….so in other words women run the spectrum and sometimes women are a little bit of both!!!

    Of course in order to grow and evolve we must recognize that not all women, men, whites or blacks think alike…or that they’re all out to hurt you. Differentiation requires maturity so that we don’t lump ALL apples together.

    I love my women friends because I like and love myself but I also recognize that just because you are of the same gender doesn’t mean were of the same kind.

  • Sasha

    I avoid women who don’t like other women or make misogynistic comments like the plague.

  • queenb727

    I tend to take the Occams Razor approach: the simplest answer is usually the right one. Either all other women are the problem, and you’re some special snowflake unicorn good woman who isn’t bad like all of the rest. Or the problem is you. It’s more likely that the problem is you. But since most people like to think they’re good people, they project their own faults onto others.

  • Ooh La La

    All the women I’ve known to say things like this usually have bad experiences with women because of their own doing. I knew someone who would say that she just got along better with guys but, to put it frankly, she acted very loose. Other women tend not to respect women seeking attention from men in that way.

    I don’t like when women say they don’t hang around other women because they don’t like drama. First, being messy isn’t specific to a woman’s character. Some people are just like that – men or women. Second, I have realized that the more a person says they hate drama directly correlates with the amount of drama that person actually causes. Simply put, if you’re the common denominator the problem is you.

  • LN

    I think the phrase “I don’t like women” is as stupid as “I like men”. You don’t like ALL women? You like ALL men? It’s too vague and general.

    I can say, “I don’t like the stereotype of women” — that they are all catty, don’t watch sports, are overly concerned with appearance — and that would be more accurate.

    Women are a diverse bunch (do I even have to say that??) and I think most women on this earth will be able to find at least one female with similar tastes/interests/worldview.

    Plus, I’m just going to keep it real. I’m 27 years old and I have yet to witness the mythical male/female best friend duo. The women I know have women for their closest friends, and the men I know have men for their closest friends. The last time I saw a male/female best friend scenario was college, and in 100% of the cases, one part of the duo was desperately trying to f**k the other.

  • http://beautyisdiverse.com Beauty Is Diversebe

    As a female who grew up and experienced being bullied by other females and witnessed females bully other people, I don’t have dislike for other females but I do have the right to be cautious of another female. Women are no different from men we are both human and some humans feel they have the right to bully, control and over power other people.

    The reality is if I’m friends with a female and that female is going to make the choice to spread false assumptions or rumors about me due to her own insercurities, jealous etc then it gives me the choice and the right to end that friendship and or association. I would also do the same if a man was spreading false assumptions and or rumors.

    I’m only 28 years old and I still see women who carry on with very bad ethics towards other women all over nothing and the women on the receiving end of that negativity have the right to disassociate with them. Nothing is gained by continuing to enable someone who has no care or regard for your feelings women or not.

    Marketing Gimmicks made a good point

    “But yes. As much as women can be inspiring, supporting, nurturing and loving some women are capable of inflicting great pain: meanness, cattiness, pettiness, jealousy, envy, phoniness and fakeness….so in other words women run the spectrum and sometimes women are a little bit of both!!!”

    This is the reality some women do have very bad characteristics regardless if we want to admit it or not.

  • Melissa

    You don’t trust women that don’t trust other women? I’m confused. I don’t trust women after being burned numerous times, no matter how nice, giving and supportive I was. I’ve had friends try to steal men behind my back and in my face. One of those same friends came back and even wrote me a letter telling me I was the best friend she ever had and didn’t deserve what she did to me as a friend. I’ve had friends I defended join sides with the women they were against and come against me. And I’ve met just downright nasty women that have no reason to act the way they do towards me and I still speak. So I may be one of those “rare” women that have a real reason to not trust or like women, but I don’t think I’m the only one, nor should I be judged because of it. JMHO.

  • http://gravatar.com/pinkslehuit pinkslehuit

    I happen to think you’re giving yourself a reason to “not like” women. We are not a monolith, so all those women who did you wrong do not represent the whole. I feel like people’s inability to be good judges of character is the main reason they end up in these situations. I had a situation where I was starting a friendship with a woman my ex’s friend was in a relationship with. Once I noticed she thrived off gossip and messiness, I stopped speaking to her – there was no need to build a relationship with someone like that hoping things would change. It’s the same way some women ignore blatant signs a man is no good then want to turn around and blame all men for being dogs.

    I don’t want to attack you specifically, Melissa, but make better choices as to who you let in your life and you may not be so disappointed.

  • Melissa

    I don’t feel it’s an attack and I have ended all negative associations. My reasons don’t come from lack of trying but experience.

  • http://airindanyell.tumblr.com Erin

    Certain women make it hard to like them, trust them, or want to be around them, but judging all women just because of those type of women is ridiculous to me. Of course you should feel someone out, man or woman, before you really take the time to get to know them and introduce them in your life. I am wary of those that dislike a whole group of people that they are a living/breathing representative. Makes me think something must be wrong with them.

  • cosmicsistren

    Thank you for this article. I too don’t trust women who say that don’t like/trust other women. I find in 99% of the women I meet that say that are bit&hy and it’s just an excuse. My only complaint is that I wish the article was longer. This is an issue that is pervasive amongst women. I wished you got a little deeper with it. Still a good piece.

  • Treece

    I agree with the article 100%. In my experience, women who say they don’t trust or don’t like other women are usually the problem in the relationship(s). They have problems forming friendships with other women because they are the ones that start drama and foolishness in the first place. I mean I get being a tomboy and feeling more at home with the guys and all, but if everytime you try to bond with women (and there is plenty variety in personalities and “sister circles” to go around) then you have to question your motives and YOUR behaviors/words/attitude. You also have to question your choice in women you choose to hang around with. The problem is not ALL women. It may be you and your hangups for whatever reason….

    I’ve never had a problem getting along with women in the general sense, it’s just certain types I don’t like. And I choose not to waste my time attempting friendships with THOSE TYPES. I have my own circle of friends that I love like family.

  • Treece

    “They just say that to seem cool and get points with men. Many women see other women as competition”

    yes, yes, yes! I can see through that BS a mile away…..

  • http://www.beautyisdiverse.com Beauty Is Diverse

    @Melissa was your response a response to my comment , wasn’t sure sice you didn’t hit reply .

    “You don’t trust women that don’t trust other women? I’m confused. I don’t trust women after being burned numerous times, no matter how nice, giving and supportive I was.”

    Not sure if this comment was in response to mine but i’ll reply. I don’t trust women that claim to be my friends and or associate but behind my back are spreading false assumptions about me due to their own insecurities or due to the fact that when some women don’t get what they want in life and see others progressing and not them they respond with negativity. I don’t have distrust towards women I don’t know because obvisouly I don’t know them.

  • http://parentingbytheseatofmypants.wordpress.com greendoondoon

    Me too. My deepest, most real relationships are with women. I would be lost without my female friends. It’s not that I don’t like men or have male friends, but I just prefer hanging out with my sisters. I feel you on the competition thing– I like sports and so-called “guy” things too. I found other women with similar interests.
    One thing I’ve found about the women who hate other women– they turn out to be the messiest women around and often have the traits of the women they purport to hate. If you are a woman that only hangs around guys and has negative things to say about women, I give you a wide berth.

    Men can be messy, gossipy, back-biting, double-crossing and low-down too. I don’t see women as competition because I am secure in myself. If a woman is successful, a fine dresser or has some traits I lack, I try to learn from her to get where she is. Why would I want to compete when I can congratulate?

  • http://parentingbytheseatofmypants.wordpress.com greendoondoon

    The truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.

  • http://www.beautyisdiverse.com Beauty Is Diverse

    I have great amazing friendships with both male and female, the way I see it is if someone comes into my life and has great qualities and we get along great and respect each other then I’m not going to miss out on the opportunity to have a great friendship just because the person happens to be a male. Men and women have different perspectives in life and having both genders, different age groups, different cultural backgrounds etc as friends is great.

  • march pisces

    People come into our lives as mirrors. Those we love reflect back the best, most loving parts of ourselves. And those we hate highlight the flaws within ourselves we want to hide.

    So the next time you catch yourself uttering the phrase, “I don’t like_____” ask yourself why. Maybe what you’re really saying is, I don’t like myself.

    PREACH!….that’s all i got, just PREACH!!!
    great post!

  • omfg

    i don’t trust any individual or group in the abstract. trust and my affection have to be earned.

    that being said, i’d trust the collective of black people in the abstract more than women, that includes black, white, asian women, etc.

    when men are in the picture, women almost always drop kick another woman in some way.

    i used to enjoy women more when i was younger – like college age and in my early 20s. i enjoy women less now, sorry to say.

    i’m trying to focus on accepting people as individuals and that’s very difficult.

  • Chelley5483

    Alllllllllllll of this!!!!

    The women that have nurtured me and have relentlessly reciprocated unconditional love to me, taught me and helped me grow come in lesser numbers than the women in my life that have caused me some level of grief.

    I love this piece, there are great women friendships to be had… But.. my experience has taught me the horror of what women can do to one another too. My daughter’s seeing this in plain view right now and she’s only in middle school.

    Like Marketing Gimmicks said, differentiation is key!

  • Meme23

    While I understand the sentiment of your article. I would ask you about the last time that a friend really hurt you? Was it a woman? It’s easy to see why some women say that they do not trust/like/get along with other women. And now with the explosion of reality shows that exploit the natural tension that surround female friendships, this is only going to get worse. It’s amazing when you encounter women in their 30′s and 40′s who conduct themselves like they are on a reality show.

  • Chacha1

    I find that when another woman hurts me, I have to chalk it up to her negativity, and disassociate my self from that person and move on/forgive, because if I were to say I “can’t stand other FEMALES”, then through my anger and mistrust, I’d probably end up exhibiting behavior similar to one of those women I “couldn’t stand”. It can become a cycle if you don’t watch it.

  • http://twitter.com/TamarM3 tamar Cotton (@TamarM3)

    ..true

  • http://twitter.com/mapachemaldito atún.jpg (@mapachemaldito)

    This could have been better written. I really identify with your sentiment, raised with brothers I was more fond of my guy friends and have recently found myself with a lot of female friends who I love and have huge respect for. But it is also an individual experience every woman should find by herself… the title of this article was as conniving as the people you are criticizing.

  • Blue

    Self hate? Are you serious? Yes I am one of those women who you complained about. But I don’t have self hate. I don’t hate women, I don’t like to hang with certain types. See “hate” & “dislike” two different things.The nosey, gossipy, stare at what I got on so they can either hate or bite or do both, bitter cause they ain’t got a man & you do so they always find something negative to say about your relationship, catty type of women. I am NONE of these things cause I carry NONE of those traits. Birds of a feather flock together if you haven’t noticed. So for you to lump women who tend to have a larger male circle than female circle in one huge box is unfair…ijs

  • Blue

    Agree but disagree about the “cool points”. I hang out with a guys but when dating who wants to be “one of the boys”. My male friends & guys I date are in a separate equation. Like basketball, but hate football. I’m not about to start liking it to get a guy. Competing with other women is a waste of time.

  • http://ladyngo.blogspot.com Lady Ngo

    That whole “i can’t stand chicks” movement was supposed to be a phase you went through in middle or high school (if that)…not a lifelong vendetta. I agree with what someone mentioned earlier: most women who are sipping this flavor of tea (as with so many other attitudes and behaviors) are usually doing it to get cool points from men. Sad.

  • Anthony

    Closely related are black folks who don’t trust other blacks and who feel more comfortable with their white “friends.”

  • Cheetarah, Lion-O an ‘nem

    Females (from my past experiences): Too chatty. Too talkative. Too CHATTY!! Too gossipy. Too needy. Too emotional. Too catty. Too envious. Too jealous. Too nitpicky. Too moody. Too hormonal.

    Generally speaking, men, on the other hand, are: easier to kick back with, have great conversation that doesn’t involve hair or makeup (BOORING), get straightforward, unhinged advice from, not envy you because you got something they don’t have, don’t get sensitive or feel rejected when you don’t wanna hang out (or be bothered).
    It’s all about preference. Some people like cats, some love dogs. Geez!

  • Wong Chia Chi

    It’s weird but I’ve had close friendships with men and women. I feel like I just often just have less in common with many women I meet when it comes to my interests, but I don’t feel as though this is anyone’s fault either.

    Someone pointed out that people who say they don’t get along with girls usually have had problems in the past and I feel this is the truth. Not really with bullying but I was abused by a female relative. I noticed that I attract certain kinds of women and men due to the way that I carry myself and interact with others. You can unintentionally draw people with a certain personality towards you if you’ve been abused by someone like that in the past. So I toned down the behaviors that I was unintentionally doing to cause those type of people to feel comfortable approaching me, which was mostly just being too accommodating to other people after not knowing them very long, it makes people think I’m a pushover and that they can get things from me easily because I tend to give them easily. Now even if I can do something for someone I don’t offer, and if they ask I only do it if I want to and I stopped trying to be such a people pleaser and cared less about what people thought. I’m still nice but I don’t go out of my way anymore since certain kinds of people interpret that as a kind of weakness. I had to learn the hard way though. My closest female friend now is very similar to how I used to be for the same reasons and we talk about ways to overcome or discourage manipulative narcissistic people.

    When people talk about getting along better with the opposite sex, they usually mean that the kinds of interactions they have are different. Everyone is not going to like you and you aren’t going to like everyone. And they ignore the fact that the opposite sex is going to treat you different than they would a member of their own sex. I’ve known guys that say they get along better with women, and women who say they get along better with men and I’m pretty sure it’s BS coming from both of them. On average you probably spend more time with the same sex, so the disagreements/dislikes you have seem to be more frequent. If you spent the same amount of time with the members of the opposite sex, living/sleeping/eating, you’d probably have the same amount of disagreements.

    Someone also said that women tend to see other women as competition and I think this is true. For BOTH men and women. So when a man is hanging out with a woman he probably is attracted to her( for what it’s worth I think we’re all attracted to our friends on certain level), and he’s going to be more relaxed with a group of women than he is with a group of men because he probably doesn’t see them as competitors and he isn’t under pressure. The same goes for a woman in a group of men. The two male friends I have that claim they only get along with women didn’t like each other when I introduced them so it definitely goes both ways. They are sooo similar too so I found it funny.

  • Wong Chia Chi

    They are that way with you because you’re a female. Men are not going to interact with you the same way they would with a man. Men gossip men, they are needy, and emotional, and talkative they just express it differently. I have four brothers so trust me on this one.

  • Pat

    At this point in my life, I have learned that you can have a lot of female friends (acquaintances) – But that genuine piece is extremely hard to come by. And this same quality is usually why I pull out the measuring stick when it comes to befriending new people (men and women). It may just be me, but I think it is two different situations here. While we can like a person, enjoy their company, and hang out with them; to trust anyone is on a complete different level. If a woman says to me any of the following:

    “I just don’t get along with other women.”

    “I don’t have any female friends.”

    Or the kicker, “I just don’t trust b*tches!”

    I’ll consider it as she is speaking from her pain or someone violated her trust OVER THE YEARS! And I can relate b/c the same has happened to me. This is the difference though; I will not trust her no less than the woman who [isn’t] speaking from her pain. With both, my trust has to be earned. The woman who has a slew of friends can betray your trust as much as the one with one friend. It truly depends on the individual. Some women have shown themselves as trustworthy while some haven’t. Since it’s harder to meet genuine people, period, I couldn’t ever just single out ALL sisters as being the enemy.

  • Orange Starr Happy Hunting

    Not everyone can say that the greater of their experiences with other women were all blessed and enriching, however I would use caution with blanket statements like the maybe it’s you sentiment. that is mighty convenient in such a cold world. Remember there are two sides to every coin. I would however never make a statement generalizing every single woman on the planet and my dislike for them, that is just ignorant.

  • Orange Starr Happy Hunting

    Thank you and ITA, that is why I said use caution with the maybe its something wrong with you label because you don’t know that woman’s experiences. Too easy to start thinking it must be something wrong with her if she isn’t the most eager to befriend. It’s a lazy way of thinking and an oversimplification of life.

  • P

    completely different level

  • http://gravatar.com/niknique starr

    All of this!!!!!!

  • http://gravatar.com/nattynay nattynay

    Like most interactions in life, not everything should be based on generalizations. Granted that our past experiences do form our current mindsets, I believe as individuals we should handle others on a case-by-case basis.

    Throughout my 22 years of life the main women/girls I’ve dealt with lacked loyalty,were too needy, or only sprung into action for a guy they were dating. However I believe in every corner of my mind that I’ll be able to meet/befriend a woman who’s loyal, considerate, and will still be a great friend despite her relationship status.

    I’ve witnessed my fair share of “messiness” within men as with women. Honestly, there’s some things I can’t talk about or do while being “just one of the guys.”

    Guy-friends, girlfriends all I need is a circle of genuine, focused individuals.

  • The Moon in the Sky

    Women (and men) referring to women as ‘females’ but men as ‘men’ are a huge red flag.

  • P

    Girl, I’m going to be honest. Lol…pass the blame, right? Seriously, my worse experience made me that way. Southern hospitality has been engraved in my spirit. And I used to be happy to share this quality. Invite people over and their friends.. In the pass, it could have been some bad character judgment on my behalf. Nevertheless, I’m glad I learned the hard way. I needed to learn you can’t open up to everyone. You just can’t!

    I’m not perfect – but trust and believe – if anyone feels comfortable enough to [confide] in me, that info will stay with me. I pride myself in that trait. I will not discuss your business and if you ask me about someone – I will say go ask that person. I sincerely believe this is how gossip (mess) starts. Women are known to do this, but men aren’t exempt from it either.

    With saying all of that, I was hurt by a close friend. I never in a million years would have thought she was the one running back telling (my problems) to her friends. (shoot, I invited this chick into my families’ life). In the end, it did make me hesitate to trust others and not open my mouth. I was hurt, but I was the one telling my business. So why was I surprised? Learning lessons..and I think it’s “ok” to realize everybody just can’t be a true friend. This is what these women are expressing –“they don’t dislike women, they don’t like the pain women have caused them”. If people tell the truth, it takes years to forget that pain. It’s been 10 for me. We still speak, but I just can’t let her back into my life like she was before. :)

  • Wong Chia Chi

    Right, not to be one of those people but my use of it was a mistype.

  • Lou

    Our mother’s are our first female friend how we are treated by our mothers is the blue print to our friendships..

  • Lula

    I’m sure men have had trouble relationships with other men (deadbeat father, violet fights, bad teachers, etc) yet how come you never hear them say ‘I hate men1 That’s why I have no male friends!’

  • The Moon in the Sky

    “I mean I get being a tomboy and feeling more at home with the guys and all”

    I was considered to be a ‘tomboy’ growing up, but I was never more at home with the guys. Why did you put those two together?

  • The Moon in the Sky

    Not just how we are treated by our mothers, but our family as well, effects how we form and maintain relationships with other people.

  • The Moon in the Sky

    Men aren’t socialized to dislike other men the way women are socialized to dislike other women.

  • http://gravatar.com/nolakiss16 binks

    Excellent point! I was taught the relationship and interactions you hold with people and the type of people you hang out with and attract tells more about you then them…just with any relationship and connection you have to vet people. Just because you are a woman doesn’t mean you are automatically going to bound, hit it off, or befriend every woman you meet or going to have good relationship with each one. But the bad experience shouldn’t taint or deter you from trying again, should it make you cautious of course but it also should make you wiser on finding out what TYPE of women you want to attract and be friends with overall.

  • http://parentingbytheseatofmypants.wordpress.com greendoondoon

    @Cheetara– Can we PLEASE have a moratorium on the word “female” if you are not talking about a pet? Maybe the women you hung around are boring because you are boring. My circle of female friends range from upper class women to round the way homegirls I went to school with. All of them are interesting, fascinating women that I enjoy being around.

    A lot of men tell you what you want to hear to get closer what they want. If you honestly think that men are more honest, I have some wonderful land in the Everglades to sell you for a $1.

  • NY’s Finest

    I’ve been saying for years that any woman who says she doesn’t like or trust other women is the one with the problem.

  • Kema

    I don’t have many female friends. But I don’t have a problem with women. They usually don’t seem to take to me. The few female friends I do make are usually the ones that said they don’t hang out with women. *shrug*

  • http://www.geekmommarants.com GeekMommaRants

    Women are socialized to vie for the attention of men more than we are socialized to create strong connections among women. It has to be noted that many of these women were raised by fathers who did not or would not encourage such relationships with their mothers or mothers who put the needs of the man in her life before a relationship with her daughter. Women can be raised with this attitude,

  • Kema

    About the loose statement. This is probably why I end up with friends that don’t tend to have female friends. I don’t care what goes on in their bedrooms. I accept them as they are. No strings.

  • http://twitter.com/Author_JGail Teflon Jawn (@Author_JGail)

    You hit on a very important point here and I strongly agree. Whenever a woman says she doesn’t like other women (or bitches as some people like to call themselves) I give them the side eye. That’s a reflection on yourself. People tend to get unnaturally angry at other people who demonstrate the same traits that they do. It’s like you’re mad at own yourself.

    Not to mention a lot of those women will accept the same flawed behavior from a man but not another woman. Why is that?

  • Lee Lee

    Of course women have bad characteristics. We are human. It’s not something to admit or hide. It’s the way of the world. I will say this, if you’ve lived your whole life without meeting a woman with any redeeming qualities, the problem probably isn’t other women.

  • Wong Chia Chi

    I’ve known guys who say this actually. I’m not sure how common it is though.

  • antisocialengineering

    If the Madeline Albright in the first sentence is Madeline “the killing of half a million Iraqi children was worth it” Albright, then this website really has no business associating itself with black women.

    I am going to preserve this page as evidence so that when future black historians are analyzing the political ideologies of blacks in this era, they know who was on what side.

    More than half of blacks didn’t for Obama. Voter turnout among blacks was just over 50% and 10% of that number voted for someone other than Obama.

  • Krysie869

    I feel like this same exact post was published not too long ago. Correct me if I’m wrong?

  • Fantastico

    on the writer’s professional blog

  • Fantastico

    I’ve heard many men say they prefer to deal with women than men, but i”ve never had a man tell me he Hated/Disliked men.

  • Fantastico

    My thoughts exactly.

  • Fantastico

    Yes!!!

  • Humanista

    Good point! I had to grow out of limiting my relationships with women (also a result of a negative family environment). I also experienced bullying by girls (only) growing up. It took until I got to college, and now, years later, I have more women in my “inner circle” than men (although 2 of my closest friends are men).

    I think I can understand younger women feeling this way because you don’t realize how big the world is outside of your own personal experiences. (I distinctly remember bonding with my now-girlfriends over the fact that none of us had many girlfriends!) And, you are still coming into what you will and won’t accept from *real* friendships with others.

    But,apparently a lot of extra-grown women feel this way, ESPECIALLY regarding black women. Very unfortunate.

  • http://gravatar.com/jayedee369 jayedee369

    Maybe it’s just me, but I do remember before 2000, back in the 90′s sisterhood was proudly displayed and even seemed to me to be a movement of sorts. I could go into any urban area in the 90s and find a group of sisters that if they met on the street or anywhere else it was always like they knew each other or compliments would fly and it felt good to see that-women (especially women of color) coming together and forming bonds. After 2000 it seemed like a whole 360 degree turn, women meet in social settings and it’s almost immediate hate. Maybe it’s just me, but I sensed a turn when the clock stuck midnight and it was the year 2000. From that point, all the positivity and love seemed to just disappear and replaced with this ugly side of jealously. Am I the only one that remembered what sisterhood in the 90s looked like and can you ever go back to it? Because nothing made me prouder as a black man seeing our women come together and act like blood sisters

  • andrea

    I voted for Jill Stein–the Green Party candidate and leading female running for president. I never voted for Democrat ever for President and probalby will not likely unless the candidate is extremely proliteriat. That’s not likely though.

    So you are saying I am a traitor for not voting for Obama? How about me turn this against you for not voting for a woman? But I won’t do that. The point is: we are not a monolith and the betterment of Black Agency did not and does not hinge on supporting Obama or The Obamas.

    You need to graduate in maturity. It’s idiosyncratic logic to think that freethinking Blacks have to think like you.

  • Pingback: If You Don’t Like Other Women, I Don’t Trust You |

  • cosmicsistren

    @omfg – Very honest post but to me very sad too. Especially the part “when men are in the picture, women almost always drop kick another woman in some way”. I feel you have just come across some very insecure women. I think I’m older than alot of the posters on here. I have learned as someone said earlier that your sentiments have more to say about you than the people you talk about.

  • gina

    I agree with you. I’ve had women do some really awful things to me starting from childhood by women family members. I was also bullied by girls in school and had nasty rumors started about me. I’ve befriended women in my adult life only to be burned by jealousy and backstabbing. I’ve been accused of being too nice and I guess I am. It has been my biggest problem when dealing with women. I wish it wasn’t this way. I would love to have a best lady friend that isn’t going to take advantage of me and my sweet nature. I’m like you. If you tell me a secret it is never repeated. This problem isn’t just with black women it’s all women. I’ve had friends of all races and it’s the same mess. When it comes to men, my relationships with them are awesome.

  • omfg

    i don’t think it’s a sad post. that’s ridiculous. women can be incredibly nasty whether it’s at work or not. whether men are involved or not.

    i can’t say with a blanket statement that i think women are great. i’ve never been dropped kicked in that way by women, but i see how women do things in a subtle way. – it can be as simple as listening to men more when they are around. making men feel like they are the boss or the authority on something, when they aren’t.

    let me also add that just because you say you “like” women doesn’t mean anything. there are women who hang together who refer to other women as sluts, bitches and are catty and petty and nasty and fake with women. having women friends doesn’t mean you like women in the same way that a man having a girlfriend/wife doesn’t mean he likes women.

    and for me, with many of the things i like to do, i’d rather be around guys.

    but like i’ve said. i prefer to try to take people as they come. i don’t like people or trust people in the abstract. i might feel more comfortable with them in the abstract. but i don’t like them in the abstract.

  • Cheetarah, Lion-O an ‘nem

    (TOO NITPICKY)

  • Cheetarah, Lion-O an ‘nem

    Where did I say men are more honest?
    I said, “get straightforward, unhinged advice from.”

  • Cheetarah, Lion-O an ‘nem

    Try bonding with older women. Lots of life experience, more easygoing, less D-R-A-M-A. Really.

  • antisocialengineering

    No, I’m saying the traitors are the minority of blacks who voted for obomber, and those who quote the likes of madeline baby killer albright.

  • P

    @gina

    For some reason, I can picture you as a little girl being bullied. It’s really sad to hear of anyone having to go thru that. And I am really hoping (praying) you will meet a best lady friend real soon. They truly are one of life’s greatest gifts. I know mine is and this is why I have high hopes for you as well.

    Sometimes it’s hard holding onto our sweet nature. I almost gave up one time. But now I refuse to let it go (or changing who I am) for anybody, I’m just learning how to manage it better. Sweet natured people are a gift and once pple lose out on that. They lose sooo much more. I think I will never understand the jealousy and backstabbing piece. Then again, maybe that is where it stems from. Some people are naturally jealous of happy people. And I have never seen a sweet natured person unhappy. We’ll bounce back eventually. So hang in there, don’t let’em get to you. Mind you, I say that as I still struggle..lol! However, I am trying.

    As far as secrets, you are right. The ability to hold to a secret is only given to a select few. Anybody (white or black) could have a problem with that.

  • http://gravatar.com/chanela17 chanela17

    you just summed up the reason WHY in this little sentence right here!

    “Why? I felt like I could be myself with them. I could talk about sports, music, and kung fu flicks, and I didn’t have to worry about being shunned because my LA Gears didn’t match my uniform or my hair wasn’t styled just so.”

    women are so damn critical most of the time.”omg my god what does she have on?” “you’re not going anywhere with me if you don’t have on designer shoes” “her shoes are from the mall” and then you have the constant jealousy amonst women where everything is a damn competition and siliness.”you can’t look better than me at my wedding” “i need to hang around ugly women to make myself look the best out of the group”

    it’s sick stuff like that, that makes me prefer hanging out with guys.they have their own set of insecurities amongst themselves.. but it’s in NO WAY as bad as women are with the pettiness.it’s annoying being around people who constantly try to make themselves feel good by putting you down and making lowkey shade shots at you. i don’t have time for a “frienemy”. i don’t have time for a chick looking me up and down with a scowl for no reason. i don’t have time for being friends with someone, just for them to dog me as soon as i turn around. smh

  • http://gravatar.com/lalineadefuuego Lola A

    I am one of those women that doesn’t and never has had girlfriends. Not because I don’t like myself or because there’s any kind of self hate but because women are messy, mean and manipulative. Not all but many and black women…don’t get me started. I’m a very friendly woman who shows herself friendly and freely compliments a beautiful woman when I see her. The response I get when I do so is always one of shock and awe.

    Unlike you, I’ve lost jobs, been kicked out of apartments and had my written work stolen by women…black women. I don’t fool with women unless I absolutely have too. I prefer to deal with men because they’re not catty, they don’t ever compete with me nor do they compare themselves to me. Women…black women have caused me too much pain.

  • Wong Chia Chi

    It is unfortunate. Once I realised what I was doing to draw negative people into my orbit, I found ways to connect with people who were sensitive and kind like me and it improved my social/emotional life drastically. We support each other, we don’t belittle or hurt one another and it’s the best time I’ve had with friends. I stopped being so sensitive/anxious once I had some life experience to give me confidence and had friends I could REALLY trust to support me and not berate me every time I didn’t do something exactly like they wanted or exactly when they wanted me to, I can reflect on the abuse now and it doesn’t give me the fear and if it does I associate it with the cause of the abuse, that person, and not my gender.

    I think many people have been hurt and as a result of that they simply generalize a large very diverse group. It definitely is a youth thing, because as a kid, where you live and who you interact with is largely the result of your parents and their socioeconomic status. When you grow up though you have more control over the people you surround yourself with and you just have to work on finding your own little niche. In order to do that it takes large amounts of self reflection and time that many people apparently don’t enough of or they come to the wrong conclusions.

    It’s very unfortunate indeed because black women are some of the most supportive women I know.

  • http://gravatar.com/lalineadefuuego Lola A

    I agree with you Chanel. Like I said below…I would love to have female friends but I don’t based on what you said. I get it. No self hate here instead, lots of self love. I choose to protect myself from bad behavior and mistreatment. Aintnobodygottimeforthat!

  • http://twitter.com/cherubicnerd L.Hoskins (@cherubicnerd)

    I love this article. I have never been one to dislike girls or women; I have/ had negative experiences with women and girls but I just brush it of as self-hate or mistrust. in fact , women are my favorite group of people. there is just something about us…

  • Treece

    Because she said something about it in the article….

    “When I was growing up I was a bit of a tomboy and hung out with boys. While I always had a small circle of female friends, I seemed to be more at home with the fellas.”

  • simplyme

    My experiences have been the very opposite. I have to say I have never felt so much undeserved platonic love and support from people I’m not related to as much as I have from Black women. I’ve found that friendships with guys are fun but in my experience they haven’t been as meaningful.

    I think the dichotomy in people’s life experiences with women come from something interesting I’ve noticed. I found that particularly as Black women we tend to have this ability to either really build someone up or completely tear them down. I remember reading something a guy wrote saying something to the effect of when a Black women is on your side there is no other place you would rather be but when she’s not you’d rather be anywhere else. With that said I think the side people tend to end up getting has a lot to do with that mirror analogy and maybe bad luck. You attract people that will reflect the views you project on them.

  • Frenchkiss

    Stupidest thing ever. So people are obliged to hang around with blacks, just because… they are black?

  • lyn

    I have always been suspicious of any female who says they don’t like women or they don’t have women friends, women are messy or you know I don’t trust bit**es. This has always left a very bad taste in my mouth. {They sound as bad as women who are man bashers, you the type that says all men are dogs, never trust a man, etc} I don’t understand how they could say this when they are of the same gender. So in my mind they are referring to themselves, their mothers, biological sisters, aunts, female cousins, daughters, grandmothers and any other female that are close to their hearts. I’ve also heard women who were expecting say that they didn’t want to have a baby that was a girl because “you know how girls are”. My response is I don’t have any biological sisters but my friends are my sisters in my heart and I couldn’t imagine not having them in my life. I love them all. I am in a sorority and I have some life long sister friends there as well. When I was pregnant I had a miscarriage and it was a baby girl. To have been able to have been her mother would have been a dream come true & an honor. I feel that if you are a female & you don’t like or trust women then I don’t trust you. I have been a female for 51 years and I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love all women and I think women are phenomenal.

  • Alberta

    It’s good to have female friends..just don’t forget to leave at an appropriate time….& yeah my husband bought that for me..what’s it 2 you? See now maybe you’re checking out my man..That’s the reason why I don’t have lots of girlfriends..& why you talking about my kids worry about yours..forget it! I’m good by myself or with my family..peace!

  • Sanura Rose

    you’re right

  • http://twitter.com/hairunruled un'ruly (@hairunruled)

    The first step in being a girls girl, is to be inspired by other women—-inspired by their stories, achievements,tribulations and insights. Look at this “Working Girl” feature For example

  • http://twitter.com/K_tenKS Kristen (@K_tenKS)

    Out of all of what you said happened to you, did this happen in one city? One state? Have you lived all over the country or on different continents to build a proper opinion on not being able to trust ALL women at all? Black, White, Hispanic, Indian, Asian women? (Non)professional women? Career women? Single women? Wives? Of course, I don’t know your life based on this one comment but I don’t think it’s right to judge your experiences with every woman in the world. There are 7 billion people on the earth, generally half of them are women – there’s no way you can say you generally don’t trust 3.5 billion women. You don’t want to be judged on your opinion yet you’re judging other women by lumping them all the same. It’s totally fine to be cautious – of all people.

  • http://twitter.com/K_tenKS Kristen (@K_tenKS)

    Of course if you generalize an entire group of people you’re going to get complaints. It’s not that they are “nitpicky”.

  • http://twitter.com/K_tenKS Kristen (@K_tenKS)

    I once had a friend in college that I considered myself close to. She ended up telling my business that I confided in her and it really hurt my feelings. Never once did I think all women were like that. In fact, I had a few other GIRL friends later on that told me they stopped trusting her for various reasons. They had my back. She didn’t. Perfect example to not generalize.

    The only way I could ever say I dislike women (and this could go for men too) is if the entire female population all did something to me to make me lose their trust. I haven’t met every woman out there to make that assumption. I judge people by their individual actions.

    Ladies, have you ever been out in public minding your own business and you feel someone staring at you? You look over and it’s a random woman you’ve never seen before giving you the evil eye? It startles you and you’re not sure what to make of it? Well, that’s most likely the woman who doesn’t trust other women, judges you and sees you as the enemy despite never having crossed paths before. And guess what? Those are HER issues. It has nothing to do with you.

  • http://twitter.com/K_tenKS Kristen (@K_tenKS)

    I worked with two women who you could consider “frienemies”. One of the women had a Coach purse on that day that her husband bought her. The other one (who was unmarried) called her a “lucky bitch” and gave her the side eye. She couldn’t be happy for her? But she had issues of her own. And that’s all it was, nothing having to do with the entire female group.

  • Yasmine

    Women who generally don’t care for the company of other women also don’t care whether you trust them or what you think of them. No one gives a hoot if a guy prefers the company of women and doesn’t care much for other guys, but woe be it to the woman who prefers the company of men– she is automatically presumed to be an antisocial , untrustworthy bitch. Some very feminine, straight women have information oriented, masculine type brains rather than emotional, intuitive brains. We don’t like idle chit chat, we don’t like endlessly discussing “relationships”, talking about kids bores us to tears, and all that emotion is tedious to us. You will often find it among women who have no sisters, women who have a solitary personality type, and women who are not interested in having children. I also happen to find many high pitched female voices irritating. A large crowd of yammering women is like a million pieces of chalk on a blackboard to me. And, FORGET about a bunch of women line dancing, what a bore! Nevertheless, I have a number of good female friends.I find that my three best female friends have a similar outlook, and none of us have kids.

  • lyn

    She sounds like she doesn’t like herself. If you don’t like yourself and aren’t happy with yourself then you sometimes feel that way about others.

  • lyn

    Aren’t you a female?

  • lyn

    Well said.

  • http://beautybycc.wordpress.com ❤ Chelsea C

    You come off as someone who thinks that you’re superior to other women because you embody more typically “masculine” traits. Can’t you just say that you’re not interested in children, or unemotional or whatever without implying that those are negative things?

  • cocoshan

    Interesting that you judge women so harshly who say this, yet you say you went through the same thing yourself. Maybe they haven’t grown to know better yet, like you have. Be a woman they can trust, rather than being another woman they feel is looking down on them. Just a thought.

  • Wendy

    Sorry, but you are WRONG. Every time I make a friend, female friend, she seems to try to want to separate me from my husband, not solely by cheating, but by putting things in my head. My mother in law was instantly mean to me when she met me, my mother turns everything into a competition: cooking, dancing, exct. she even told me she would steal a boyfriend away when I was 15. My female cousins constantly made comparisons, and made fun of my small breasts. My aunts could not stand me achieving anything, and tried to pick out all my short comings. And all that before I was twenty. I don’t like other women because they are conniving. I am and have always been very blessed, I am pretty, smart, and have a wonderful husband with a great job. God has always been a blessing in my life, I can play guitar, and sing beautifully, only to have other women, relatives and acquaintances act jealous and try to sabotage me at every turn, from childhood. So no, I do not like other women and if God blesses me with a little girl, I am going to teach her to be nice to EVERYONE, regardless if they are more talented than her.

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