Finding Validation

by Jamilah Lemieux

Everyone wants to be loved and most want to be accepted. It’s human nature (word to MJ). However, there’s a right and a wrong way (word to Keith Sweat) to go about obtaining those things.

You have the sister who shops herself broke trying to keep up with the proverbial “Joneses,” or the one who will lay up with a man who could care less about her, yet makes her feel more whole with his presence. The brother who will walk the walk, talk the talk of others so that he may be “acceptable” by someone else’s standards and the one who will hide his good sense and mimic the anti-social behavior of others, just to fit in.

You can’t buy, sleep with or finesse your way into validation. You aren’t fly because you can afford a Louis bag and you aren’t sexy because a certain gent likes the way you look without your shirt. You have to trust and believe in your own greatness. Going out of your way to try to make someone else tell you “you’re worthy” is a good way to get the right message for the wrong reasons.

Many of us find ourselves searching for love in between the sheets, or acceptance from what someone thinks of us, as opposed to feeling special about who we are because of who we are. By looking outside of ourselves to confirm our worth, we let the universe know quite clearly that we are not convinced of our talents and gifts…this message is not lost on the people around us, some of whom will gladly take advantage of our lack of confidence.

It’s wonderful to be affirmed for that which we already own- our beauty, our creativity, our intelligence -but if you aren’t able to see those things but for the eyes of others, then you are missing out on your own goodness. By sharing yourself physically, emotionally, financially or otherwise in hopes of gaining acceptance, you do your humanity a great disservice. Find validation within before you look for a co-signer.

  • Orange Starr Happy Hunting

    *APPLAUSE* !!!!

  • L

    “Find validation within before you look for a co-signer”

    THIS!!!! too many people are checking for co-signers these days.

  • Joan

    So true.

  • Patricia

    This article should be republished monthly. LolExcellent advice.

  • http://gravatar.com/jamesfrmphilly jamesfrmphilly

    i validate myself…..

  • Chacha1

    Good article. I think that striving hard to be validated by everyone places more value on other people’s views of you than your own, and it is too much work.

  • Sasha

    Good God yes to all of this!!

  • Dalili

    Indeed!

  • Marketing Gimmicks

    Searching for acceptance outside of ourselves is how we are socially conditioned from the day we exit the womb. I am now currently a recovering approval addict.

    The funniest and most ironic thing about seeking validation is that we often seek it from people who are empty, broken, bitter, envious, seething, resentful, and unhappy and we want to know why they just can’t be happy for us!!!! Sometimes we want the saltiest of peanuts to accept us even when they’ve proven they hate themselves.

    [ Even the "thumbs" on the comments box is proof of that. People thumbs you down (rejection) and people thumbs you up (approval).]

    Unless validation within is modeled to you in childhood it’ll be a long road before understanding that your joy, worth, happiness and inner peace can only be derived from loving who and what you are and accepting your uniqueness. So many people in the name of CONTROL and SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS want you to fit in, be like them, look like them, act like them and it’s a daily battle to stand in who you are when you believe that worth is a handout given by others.

    There’s no material thing or person that can provide validation and that’s where many of us get it twisted. We think if we wear the right clothes, find the right man, dream woman, perfect job, hit the power ball, dump our nasty relatives, reject others before they reject us, or dump our shame on others that that will make us qualified for unconditional love. Many of us try to be perfect by hiding our shame and pain…only soaking ourselves in bitterness and resentment for not getting that pat on the back.

    My relationship with God (not church!) is my source of unconditional love and it gives me power and authority to walk in that I didn’t even know that I had.

  • http://www.thecouragetoempower.blogspot.com Angela Marks

    Great article and full of truth!

  • P

    Going out of your way to try to make someone else tell you “you’re worthy” is a good way to get the right message for the wrong reasons. ~ this is a powerful statement.

    And I just wanted to add: the sad part about finding validation is you are looking for acceptance from people who don’t care about you in the first place. People who truly care for you, loves you for who you are. What you have or what you can give them has nothing to do with it. You don’t have to prove anything.

    Finding validation is a co-signer to how much you don’t appreciate yourself. Not only do you lack self – appreciation, experiencing what a genuine friendship is also lacking. Imo… this is the root of why we see and sense so much despair in people regardless of what they have.

    In the end, really seeking validation is almost as if you are living in a state of imprisonment. You’re not free; you’re actually living for other people.

    Not only love yourself, but really learn to “like” who you are. Then, it is easy to find validation within.

    Great article — too many people have become lost or have gone down the wrong road by seeking validation. (looking for love in the wrong places)..

  • WhatIThink

    Good article, and it not just applies to individuals but a community as a whole which has no real identity after so many years of being stripped of it.

  • Orange Starr Happy Hunting

    AMEN!!!!!!!GOD has already given us the ULTIMATE Validation by creating each of us so uniquely, and HE is there to remind us of how special and loved we are, when we need a reminder like sometimes we so often do.

  • tica

    Wow.. this was great and much needed.

  • http://gravatar.com/rastaman1967 rastaman

    I have to say seeking validation has never been a driving force in my life. Not because I like most people do not yearn for approval by others but because there are so few people I encounter in my life whose validation I would seek. Maybe I have an overinflated sense of myself or maybe as some have said I am slightly autistic and or just unaware. But I also go back to a saying my mother repeatedly affirmed in my formative years to “never begrudge others for what they have as you do not know what they did to get it.” As black people in America we often have no choice but to disguise parts of ourselves in order to get approval whether it is in the workplace or in public. It that mask we have to wear in order to operate in the larger society.

    Some of us invariably get lost in our personal kabuki act, you no longer know where the real you end and the act begins and the whole thing then starts to unravel. Everyone seeks validation, it’s how we are socialized but for us to be our best selves we have to begin with a core set of beliefs about ourselves. That way any changes we make are evolution and not contortion. Contortions always look to be real painful and uncomfortable.

  • Nakia

    True, indeed. I enjoyed this article and appreciate this response.

  • Yas

    Profound words. Without a doubt.

  • http://www.revelationphotography.org Nicole Mondestin

    I really enjoyed this article and agree with you 100%.

  • Carefree

    Leave it to the clutch community to find struggle one-liners and call it wisdom. Do you people not know, there is nothing like wisdom drawn from the holy oracle of God Almighty?! What you’re looking for, whatever it is, God has it.

    Give EL SHADDAI the glory! Pray, pray, pray for whatever it is you’re in search of.

    Faith in God, Faith in his only begotten son JESUS, and Faith in the Holy Ghost. The Holy Trinity wants to lead and guide you into all truth. Whether that truth be finding validation or not.

  • Pingback: A Plan for Finding and Keeping Self-Love |

  • Nkem

    This article spoke to me and left me in tears by the time I finished reading it. I need to work on my personal relationship with God and know firmly that I don’t need validation from others to feel good about myself. I am an amazing person because HE made as such…that is validation enough.

  • Nkem

    *because HE me as such..

  • justanotheropinion

    The take away from this article:

    “You can’t buy, sleep with or finesse your way into validation…You have to trust and believe in your own greatness.”

    THIS!

    Teach it. Learn it. Know it. BELIEVE IT.

  • Yvette

    Not everyone believes in God.

  • Yvette

    Not everyone believes in God, so a good alternative is validating yourself.

  • Heather

    This article was great. It is something I always need to be reminded of. It was a great way to start my day.

  • http://www.misellanie.com Misellanie

    You have to see yourself the way God sees you (as royal sons and daughters) and not how man sees you. That’s the only thing that matters.

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