“Is It Bad That I Never Made Love?”

by Krystal Glass

Wale BadOne of my closest friends, we’ll call her “Kim,” called me in a fragile mood to rant about Wale’s song called “Bad.” If you haven’t heard the song — it’s for sure a radio banger for this summer. Wale’s mix of seduction and street mentality strikes the perfect balance, yet the message in the lyrics is nothing short of promoting sexual hedonism while down-playing monogamy.

Initially when Kim started off her rant with, “girl did you listen to the lyrics in Wale’s song?” My first reaction per usual was to give a beyond the surface response “girl yes, he’s promoting a culture of hedonism and encouraging the masses to operate in flesh instead of love.”

Unlike Kim’s typical laugh or equally deep beyond the surface rebuttal, the phone conversation became radio silent. After saying hello nearly twenty times, I noticed my dear friend was crying. After a few more moments of silence, Kim pulled herself together and mustered up the energy to confess to me that she’s a 29-year-old woman who has never made love to a man. Kim’s teary confession mixed with heart ache and anger came from the realization that after listening to Wale’s song, she realized she had never actually made “love.” Kim is a drop dead gorgeous woman who any man would love to have, yet Kim’s entire sex life has been in non-committal situations. Granted Kim didn’t lose her virginity until her senior year in college to an acquaintance and since has had a sex life without commitment.

After hours of her and I exchanging our thoughts on love, sex, lust, and celibacy, Kim ended the phone conversation by vowing to live by the “All or Nothing” mantra with a vow that she must be in a committed relationship before taking things to the sexual level.

  • PrincessDi

    Hah! Join the damn club Kim!

  • http://gravatar.com/mbm1ame mbm1ame

    hmm …I can’t claim to be an expert but what does making love even mean? Isn’t that just another technical word for sex to romanticize it.

  • Velociraptor

    Making love seems to mean different things to different people so your friend should not get hung up on it. Maybe she wants to have sex with someone who she loves and who loves her. That’s a different kind of sex, no matter the speed or how vigorous it is. Sex with someone you truly without a shadow of a doubt love makes you forget about all the “good” sex you had before.

  • Jess

    Is Clutch reading my mind!? I can totally relate to Kim! Sad but true.

  • mEE

    this made me sad. there’s some kinda existential mind/body/spirit stuff that goes down when you’re “making love” to someone who loves you like…LOOOOVVESSS you and who you feel the same about. sure you can have “sex” with that person as well but when you’re making love there’s a difference. I don’t know if I can describe it but there’s a switch that flips and every part of you turns on. I think it’s a feeling everyone should experience at least once.

  • dbsm

    well, yes…..and no…i think. i suppose it depends on what your “purpose” for sex is.

    if you don’t have a need for love, maybe you are just having sex.

    if you are trying to get yours, maybe you are fcuking.

    if you are in love, or have love, maybe you are making love.

    they are all sex…and maybe you can combine two or three of them depending on your needs in that instance.

    But some people must convince themselves that one is better than the other, perhaps due to upbringing, religiosity, morals…etc

    whatever works….

  • dbsm

    “Maybe she wants to have sex with someone who she loves and who loves her. That’s a different kind of sex, no matter the speed or how vigorous it is.”

    This is a good one right here. I have had both women and men tell me that if it is fast and hard that = fcuking. Thus slow = making love. Kinda makes me laugh. But like I said, whatever works.

  • dbsm

    @mEE,

    Love your comment. I would like to know from you though, do you know that they love you because they TOLD you or because you FEEL it?

  • Velociraptor

    I think it’s funny too. It’s kind of an arbitrary definition of sex vs. making love. I’m no expert but I’ve never had sex and it was the same pace the whole entire time. That’s a bit boring.

  • Jess

    I agree with you this is quite sad, to have NEVER experienced it?? I mean I get that sometimes you just want your needs met, but to have never had the spiritual connection with someone that you love and who loves you? The amazing sensory perceptions that activates…It literally makes everything better, deeper, not to sound cliche, but it’s almost like a religious experience. I’m 37, and I can’t help but wonder if this is a generation issue perhaps?

  • http://gravatar.com/nolakiss16 binks

    I agree. Making love entails more of an emotional/mental connection combined with the physical act of sex. Personally I love this song and the little hidden gem of a message I think the “I never made love” aspect speaks to the culture and view we hold of sex right now, especially our generation with the instant gratification and the “hook-up” culture so I can see how a person can go through life having tons of sex with a person or multiple people and not have that connection where they feel they never made love. Hell I hear it all the time of people sleeping with so and so just because, sleeping with someone and they don’t even like them like that, etc. And this shouldn’t be a slight against people like the author’s friend because it is easier to give yourself away today and mistakenly dilute yourself into thinking you feel something with someone when it wasn’t nothing.

  • rhea

    Where is the rest of this article? I thought I was going to read something with more depth and analysis.

  • http://www.clutchmagazine.com Clutch

    Thanks for your comment! The author wrote a shorter post. We usually write 300-600 words for daily post.

    Thanks!

  • mEE

    it’s definitely the feeling. I remember telling my friends, “I think he loves me” before we even said those words to each other. for me it felt like we were making love way before we actually said “I love you”.
    but the words are definitely important though. that’s what sealed it. because as much as we might KNOW, we all need confirmation and validation.

    it’s kinda like that verse in Romans about how you need to believe in your heart AND confess with your mouth.

  • au napptural

    I don’t get this generation, which I’m part of. Now we are sexually equally, men and women. But how is it fulfilling for ANYONE to have a bunch of short-lived random encounters? IDK It seems to me, everyone, man and woman, is so afraid they are going to miss out on something by settling down and marrying. But in reality all they are missing is unsatisfactory encounters like this.

  • dbsm

    “But how is it fulfilling for ANYONE to have a bunch of short-lived random encounters”

    easy. it just is if that is what you wanted.

    “But in reality all they are missing is unsatisfactory encounters like this.”

    or maybe, these are the only “encounters” that you are hearing about…or focusing on

    its all about perspective/vantage point. its funny, because all i see is a bunch of married and almost married folks with long-lived, unsatisfying, unfulfilling sexual encounters. women sleeping with other men/women, men sleeping with exes and new women. married folk sleeping with other married folk.

    some married folk are just married, not settled down. some had been settled down, and are now roaming other pastures. marriage is no panacea. this has been said ad nauseum.

    people’s needs and desires change.

  • dbsm

    thank you for your response!

  • Chacha

    Deja vu. My mom used to say something similar.

    To me it’s like:
    F-ing=sex that is lusty, animal, and all about “me, me, me and what I want from him”.

    “Making love”=short for deep, meaningful sex with emotions that are attached to another person, feeling not just their body but everything that they are, being one, giving, and it isn’t just about “me, me, me”. But who wants to say all of that? (Nobody) So we just say “making love”.

    I’ve done both many times with the same person, and to me they are so different but both so, so good.

  • Nkem

    @ rhea, I think you missed the message somewhat, judging from the majority of the comments on this article, the point of the article was effectively made because each comment had its own analysis and depth. NO SHADE whatsoever, just sayin’.

  • Chelle

    I don’t know why people act live everyone who’s had sex has made love. Umm…no. Myself included. It is what it is. Don’t cry about it. Just evaluate the situation and make better decisions. I’m sure everyone can relate to “Bad”

  • http://gravatar.com/pinklipstick227 pinklipstick227

    I think after a while the “hooking up” scene gets old if one truly desires love.

  • Pseudonym

    I think I agree with you- especially the part about being a part of this generation that I don’t understand. While I do think people can have short encounters here and there (out of necessity during a drought or when someone is just oh-so-fine which rarely happens), I’m not buying this “sexual liberation” and “fun casual sex” everyone’s trying to pretend they have. I’ve paid close attention to these “playas-” men and women alike- and I’ve had some heart to hearts and everyone seems to be in unrequited love with someone- an ex that didn’t work out, a friend that is dating someone else or doesn’t want to date them, or just the idea of finding someone they’re compatible with. The casual situations are the second/default choice to get by, stay busy, or stroke an ego. Seems to me that at the end of the day, when the lights are low and there’s nothing good on tv, everyone really just wants to be loved by a special someone. and I wish people will just get over themselves, admit that’s what they want, get rid of the games and make happiness.Too much to ask, I know. But a woman can dream, yes?

  • Pseudonym

    Well, for me the best way to describe it is:

    I love you so much that just sitting here talking isn’t enough, so I hold your hand. I love you so much that holding your hand isn’t enough, so I kiss you. I love you so much that kissing you isn’t enough, so I caress your naked body. I love you so much that caressing your naked body isn’t enough, so you enter me and we make love.

    Or at least that’s how I experience it.

  • Chelley5483

    This is exactly why I hate casual sex. I’m thirty, thinking back on the few “encounters” I had… all of them were awkward (I don’t believe sex with ANY person is so good the first time, no matter who it is), slightly invasive, and ridiculously unsatisfying. Casual sex = the most overrated experience known to man. When I hear rappers rap about screwing every girl, I just keep thinking of how fun that CANNOT be. To each his on though, I know there are plenty who’d disagree with me.

    I feel bad for Kim, there’s something completely mind-blowing when you are making love to the right person. Casual sex vs making love, the acts are the same but the two are mutually exclusive.

  • Digg82

    I really like this song and I could definitely relate to the young lady in the author’s story. I haven’t had many partners, and I am blessed to have cared for them all…but I didn’t realize until I held out and waited for the kind of love that was coupled with being “in love” and having the security of a committed relationshp what the difference between having “great” sex and making “love” was. For me it came in the context of marriage…on my honeymoon. There was a security, and freedom I’d never known. We were in sync, eyes locked, totally unashamed with no embarassment, no thinking of what happened after, or what the other person was thinking, just feeling like it was our God-given right to explore and please each other, and to let every emotion we had take over. It was passionate and tender and overwhelming and fun. And we couldn’t help but smile at each other and feel lucky to be connecting with the other person and acknowlegding that we’d come through so much but that at that moment nothing else mattered but what was between us. I felt like he thought I was amazing, and I definitely felt the same thing and I felt looking up at him looking down at me that he would never let anything happen to me because he cherished me so much.
    I don’t know if that is what anyone else felt, but I crossed over into something I’d never experienced. And that feeling has not been as dramatic every time, but it definitely feels like more than just great sex. It feels like an expression of our effort and committment to each other.

  • Cocochanel31

    The song is actually promoting monogomy..it’s making you think of the culture that we currently live in with the hook and the lyrics. Thought provoking song actually and glad it did what it set out to do..helped your friend look at her current situation and decide to make a change.

  • He

    You’re crazy, sex with someone for the first time could definitely be good. Speak for yourself lol

  • Ricky Rozay

    You obviously didn’t listen to the lyrics if you thought “…he’s promoting a culture of hedonism and encouraging the masses to operate in flesh instead of love.”

    He’s telling a story, and while it would be better for a woman to tell the story it’s an important story to tell. It’s the story of woman or women who are sold this dream of love and hap-penis, and only get the penis

  • dbsm

    @ HE

    rotflmao

    word!

    and to chelley: i guess “casual” sex is not for you. for me, many of my encounters have started off as GREAT casual sex, and progressed to much more. in fact, FOR ME, it is akin to being a friend first, then lovers.

    you all on here make casual sex sound like people don’t give a fcuk about each other. that is not always the case. i love people as much as i love sex so in that i desire a great experience for all involved, i treat my partners with passion AND kindness.

    but everybody can’t do it like everyone else…

    yall stay getting fcuked–mentally–sometimes by your own choosing

  • hookemhorns

    Pretty sure this song is about men, and women, who are more than willing to have sex, and are very good at it, but are MIA when it comes to real relationships. I don’t know, not sure I’m hearing the “hedonism and encouraging the masses to operate in the flesh instead of love.” I think he’s lamenting the culture, not encouraging it.

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