We went scootering, where I learned my head was larger than a size medium.

It started off innocently enough. One night after hitting up a few bars in celebration of a friend’s birthday, I saw that I had a message from C. I met him when I studied abroad a few years back and haven’t really talked to him since. I thought it was odd as this message came out of nowhere but it seemed harmless, asking to hang out.

But wait, I live on one coast while he’s on the other…Okay, he must be drunk. He admits that he is when I ask and after a bit of back and forth came his confession: “I had a massive crush on you when we were in Japan.” Why is he telling me this now? It’s a little strange, but I continue talking until it becomes rather late on my side of the country and I say good night.

Fast forward two days later and I message him under the pretense that he will now be sober. He says he still stands by everything he said, though he apologizes for being drunk while saying it. Then he invites me to see him yet again, I mention I am too broke to afford such an outing, and he tells me paying for a trip to his city is the least he can do for me.

Did a guy I haven’t seen/talked to in over three years just offer to pay for me to see him?

Yes, yes he did and after logistics were discussed I had myself a ticket. I was ecstatic, I was excited, and I had never visited the West Coast before. When I looked up the flight details to add my frequent flyer information to the ticket I saw it cost him probably double what it should have (last-minute booking + holiday weekend=$$$). WHOA WHOA hold up what?! My friends and I were all shocked that he willingly spend so much on someone he wasn’t dating but they hoped for the best for me.

Up until the trip we talked, he planned things for us to do and I found myself starting to like him. He told me he’d take this opportunity to actually make a move on me unlike before. It really seemed to me that he was trying to sweep me off my feet with all his preparations.

I finally get there, and everything is great, and conversation came naturally, I didn’t sleep on the couch, and the plans he made for us were a lot of fun. But all the while I was a bit suspicious. My pre-departure social media stalking told me he had a girlfriend, A, at some point. But I hadn’t seen anything with the two of them too recently, his page said nothing about his relationship status and people in relationships don’t fork over that much money to fly in past crushes, right? As you can probably guess I was wrong about that last question.

I saw signs of her in the apartment, but I dismissed my thoughts until I was told that she (he talked about her as a friend) was out-of-town for a bit visiting family. I found her absence too convenient. I found absolute proof via a method that he would call a flagrant violation of his privacy. As a utilizer of autofill, I was able to see his profile as he sees it when I borrowed his computer, relationship status and all.

The initial conversation went like this:
[He had been taking a nap, I turned on the lights] “C, wake up.”
“Hmmmmm?”
“Why did you invite me here if you’re in a relationship with A and live with her?”
“….We have an open relationship.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Would you have still come?”

I walked out of his/their bedroom.

His apologies were always coupled with qualifiers and excuses, “I’m sorry, but I meant everything that I said” (regarding liking me, etc). “I’m sorry, but I would have told you if you had asked.”

What I wanted him to say was “I’m sorry, I didn’t tell you because I was being selfish, wanted to see you, and thought you wouldn’t come if I had told you of my relationship beforehand.” Instead it was as though he knew what to say and what I wanted to hear but didn’t believe what he was saying himself hence the excuses. He was sorry he was caught, not for the pain it caused.

His face as he was hearing my feelings.

After my anger and the panic-induced adrenaline subsided we started talking more easily. He was candidly answering my questions concerning the relationship that I had become an unwilling participant in. When it started, why, who. His girlfriend A was told I was there but not that he paid for me, I’m not sure if she thinks I was just a friend visiting.

He said A is the type that doesn’t want to know the details about his outside relationships/excursions. I also learned he and A have a female third that they date both together and individually. They all date outside of the triad as well (although relations with their fourths? fifths? typically did not end well). What the hell did I get myself into?

The conversation turns from my questions into something more natural, the wine we had started drinking was taking effect. In all honesty the trip itself ended well despite the deception. Instead of dwelling on the negative, I was trying to focus on how great the trip had been otherwise.

It wasn’t until a few days after my return that the gravity of the situation hit me. I recounted my story to too many people because I had told too many people beforehand in my excitement, all of my friends had the same reaction of disbelief.

I kept finding myself wanting to talk to him, and knowing there was nothing to gain from it, I was getting sadder and more upset at myself by the moment. A bottle of wine contributed to my breakdown and I found myself ugly-crying, drunk/mad texting him in a sports bar with friends that were unsure of the protocol in my situation.

Nothing good came out of this alcohol-induced emotionally-charged exchange. Now we don’t talk. Lovely.

Although my models of open relationships or polyamory are not extensive, consisting of this relationship as described to me, “The Ethical Slut,” and random internet forum readings, I would hope my situation is not the norm. I would imagine that full disclosure early on is a more common approach than misrepresenting yourself with the hope of not getting found out, regardless of how short-term the relationship will be.

But unfortunately for me, most of the success stories I’ve found have come from the couple themselves, not their additional partners. I’m not sure what that means for the satisfaction of the non-primary partners.

At the end of the day, if he had told me, the purpose/outcome of my trip would have been clear. Sure, beforehand I would have hesitated, a lot, I might have not gone at all or at least have missed the open window of A being away. But like a friend lovingly told me while I was going through a period of self-pitying: he remembered YOU after all that time and flew you out because he remembered and thought of you. You had to have left quite an impression on the guy at the end of the day.

So here’s to hoping this here was just a fluke.

 

XOJane

This post originally appeared on XOJane. Republished with permission. Click here for more Lex on XOJane!

  • Yvette

    I… what? Wow.

  • Camryn

    I’m convinced every last one of these XOJane writers, have the IQ of a box of crayons.

  • http://gravatar.com/jamesfrmphilly jamesfrmphilly

    what do you have against crayons?

  • ms. information

    Comment of the day!!!!!

  • Mr. Man

    Wow you youngstas really scare me for real. See this is how you young pretty ladies end up missing and what not. For all you know he could have wanted more on his investment than just a fly out booty call.
    You go flyin off to some dude you hardly know, no you don’t becuase if you did you would have known his status already. I don’t even know you and you got me mad…Go to yo room and don’t come out until I say so!!…..

    @camryn
    you gave me the laugh of the day…

  • Marisa

    Lol @ you were tricked SERIOUSLY in this day and age of people basically living off of social networking sites, and Google doing a little research on this dude could have prevented all that. Reminds me of that Florida girl that ended up carjacked and kidnapped by a blind date, that she hooked up with when dude wait for it………… sent her a random ass text message. She didn’t even know who he was or how he got her number but, she went out with this multiple felon anyway. If people put the romance novels down, turn off the Hallmark Channel and join the real world were adults are suppose to conduct themselves as if they have 5 senses and working brain cells. This type of actions doesn’t increase in getting a soul mate, these type of actions increase you being the star of shows like Forensic Files, Disappeared, and The New Detective.

  • hollabacknow

    Yes. They strike me as insecure narcissists.

  • Gell0h0h

    You should have asked… about the girlfriend he had and if he cared about, should have told you from the beginning? Reverse psychology much? Have several seats.

  • Come On

    Lmfao.

    I like how she carefully omitted the part where he blew her back out. Hence all that hate-texting from the bar lol.

    Insecure black chicks will do the darndest for a glimmer of hope with a white dude. If it was a Black man, which I’m SURE he’s not, we’d get a scathing rant about how evil they are in their bid to infect everybody with HIV.

    I’m not mad at the playa lmao.

  • http://socoolandtrendy.wordpress.com emjay

    Bahahahahahaha I was so confused by this post but your comment brought me back. What in the entire hell???? iCant. Not today. and she’s sad because they don’t talk anymore? Girl, bye.

  • sixfoota

    Girl, hush.

  • lol

    he’s black.

  • MommieDearest

    I couldn’t even get through the whole article. I felt my IQ dropping after every word I read, so I stopped myself before it was too late.

  • COCOEL

    Who does this? He hadn’t called in forever and you fly your little but to see him? Really? This is how women come up missing. He has no interest in you and never did. What he wanted he got. The money to fly you there was no issue, so that is no compliment. If it was his last 400.00 and he REALLY liked you and all you all could afford was free movies in the park, then maybe he liked you. Secondly, why the ugly cry? You were desperate for love and attention. No man should EVER be able to convince you with a few calls,professed like, and a plane ticket. Girl, you better talk to a therapist. I’m not joking.

  • Come On

    Lol you wish. Unsubstantiated nonsense..

  • Anthony

    If I did something that dumb, I would have taken the secret to my grave.

  • LMO85

    Yo said go to you room until I say so LMAO. These younguns I swear.

  • justanotheropinion

    That’s my take-away. How do you do something like this and then tell er’one? I wouldn’t want ANYONE to EVER know….SMDH. WOW.

  • lol

    if you are talking to me yes , I know this for a fact.

  • Anthony

    My take is that the man paid for a booty call. She went and had fun. She saw the West Coast and hopefully had some good sex.

    My opinion was that she got suckered into thinking she was special only to find out that the man simply had always wished he could sleep with her.

  • Come On

    Lol. You don’t know this for a fact unless you’re the writer. And if you are, I need receipts.

    Black men with pimp game don’t say stuff like “I had a massive crush on you.” If he did, he would have slayed it way back in Japan. Also, scootering is kind of a rarity for pimps.

    Finally, what kind of Black dude with all the attractive and very accessible options in Cali would pay twice the price for an air ticket just for a booty call? A very rare or imaginary kind of Black man, that’s what.

    A lot of things in the story just don’t add up. Perhaps the gospel truth will bring a better assessment.

  • P

    I have a girlfriend that is going through a similar situation right now. She has just come out of a divorce and she is extremely vulnerable.

    The difference is his GF is not a live-in, but he does have a GF. For me – that count as the same. He is UNAVAILABLE. She is extremely attached to him and hopeful. Before she travels to see him again, I want to tell her to just STOP!

    This is a grown A woman. And I really don’t know what to say to her – but I know I have to say something even if it risks our friendship.

    And maybe I’m just a scaredy cat – people are crazy nowadays – I’d be too afraid mess like this would lead to an ER visit or death.

    But this chick in this article REALLY set herself up for a major disaster. #1. You’re not even on your turf. #2. You knew he had a GF. #3. The man could have been crazy and #4. The GF that you (assumed) was out of town could have been crazy and popped up at any moment.

    Yep, this one is too much for me, younger or older.

  • Cocochanel31

    The author must be realllly young and from the pics yes she is fresh out of college making these DUMB MISTAKES~!
    why didnt you ask…WTF!!!!
    And why go off and sleep with someone you knew three years ago..girl please go get tested all jokes aside!

  • http://gravatar.com/kem247 F.S.T.C

    Lol! I’m young but I’d never do something like that!

  • http://verityreign.com Verity Reign

    These comments have me crying real tears at work! Oh how I love the Clutchettes! Too funnyyyyyyyyyyyyy! But yes, I agree with most of you! This whole thing was a foolish idea from the get-go! Hopefully she learns her lesson. Where were her friends that told her, “No! Don’t go! Are you crazy?” From the reads of it, it seems that all her friends were supportive of this very unwise decision. And I couldn’t help but crack up at the friend who said, “he remembered YOU after all that time and flew you out because he remembered and thought of you. You had to have left quite an impression on the guy at the end of the day.” Hate to burst her bubble, but him flying her out was probably a very little financial sacrifice, if one at all, so therefore it had nothing to do with anything other than he wanted to test out what he didn’t get the chance to a few years back. As women, sometimes we try to sooth our ego and convince ourselves we mean more to some men than we really do. It was a booty call, nothing more.

  • http://ki kiki

    These articles have been hilarious lately

  • Rose

    Yall are KILLING me I’m actually dying though. I keep reading this comments and going “Woooooooooo” and cringing. I mean tough love is tough love. Might as well learn now before you make the mistakes again. Being young doesn’t mean you have to be naiive boo. I’m 20, and I could see through that ish reaaall quick. If it looked like he had a girl friend on facebook, then boo he had a gf-why you playin’ yaself?! Or better yet, girl just ask the man! To be honest you were a booty call, and you made yourself look MAAAAAAAD thirsty by accepting a flight to go out there. It’s one thing if he was super interested and wanted to see you and got a hotel and flight and took YOU out. Then, that’s saying something. Yea, it could be perceived as thirsty, but at least he would be looking “thirst” or would be the pursuant not you. Girl, BYE!!!

  • Rose

    edit: naive*

  • BeBoogie

    yep.. the author better be glad the dude wasnt psyco and killed her

  • Chelle

    I totally agree. Some women seem to think just because a man spends a certain amount of money on you that you’re “the one” or you’re really something special. In reality, it doesn’t. To some men, money isn’t a big deal. I do believe she should’ve asked about his relationship status regardless of the fact that he hit her up and offered to fly her out. There are certain questions that you MUST ask before making any sudden moves with someone.

  • Chelle

    You said a mouthful here honey. That romance that happens in the movies is just that, in the movies. Don’t play yourselves young ladies! Take your brain with you! I know we all have our foolish moments when dating but common sense has to be somewhere in the mix. All that giving people the benefit of the doubt is out the window with me. If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, then baby girl, it’s a damn duck. Ya know?

  • Rodney

    LMAO @ james

  • Rodney

    @Marisa I love you!!!

  • Nakia

    It’s a lot of grown ass folks doing things just as wild. Don’t get me started on all the late 30s to 40-something brothas in “open relationships” nowadays, telling you about them after you’ve been dating for a month. I personally know 3 off the rip. It’s easy to point the finger at women and youth but come on…and a dude can do harm without a woman taking a plane, train, or automobile. Young pretty ladies end up missing from their own neighborhoods.

    That said, I agree, THE AUTHOR wasn’t the brightest in this situation but not because she was young or a woman.

  • ZH

    Right! The first question I ask is “what’s your relationship status?” I don’t care if its a new or old flame. I need to know because I am not into sharing!
    And that was odd that she was so willing to visit this fool way across country when she hasn’t heard or seen him in three years! Wth smh when will people learn?????

  • GlowBelle

    Girl, BYE!

    I can’t even process this…why didn’t you ASK the dude if he had a girlfriend PRIOR to flying your butt across the country to meet up with him?!? You had several warnings, shoot, the biggest red flag was that he paid for the whole trip. No, he wasn’t being nice and treating you, you became a mail-order booty call for him. Wake up.

    Plus ditch your friend who said “aww, he thought of you all this time”. Such BS! This dude was NOT Prince Charming sweeping you off your feet…if a guy wants you HE’LL be the one jumping through fire hoops to get to you, not the other way around.

  • Apple Pie

    She just mad that she was flown across country to be a side piece. U maddd!!

  • Apple Pie

    I had to read this over. This was really a mistake on her part. And to top it all off, she tried to give herself some “self-affirmation” by posting the statement:

    “But like a friend lovingly told me while I was going through a period of self-pitying: he remembered YOU after all that time and flew you out because he remembered and thought of you. You had to have left quite an impression on the guy at the end of the day.”

    No sweetheart, he remembered you and realized that he hadn’t “hit” yet. You were probably on his “Women to fu*k before I die list” (all men have a list), and you just gave him the opportunity to cross your name off. There is a reason he contacted you THREE years later and not sooner. This dude sold you over a plane ticket SMH. Women need to stop cheapening themselves. Dudes these days are whack!

  • RenJennM

    She’s a pretty girl. It’s a shame she played herself like that. She should’ve known better. She wasn’t “tricked”… all the signs were there. Besides, who the hell flies across the country for a dude they hadn’t talked to in three years?

  • http://twitter.com/DudePanel Dude Panel (@DudePanel)

    She’s young, and hopefully learned some real life lessons here. Can’t hate on her for experiencing life.

    But…

    I read all the comments and I can’t believe nobody mentioned the fact that she LOGGED INTO HIS FACEBOOK to discover that he had a girlfriend.

    F’reals?

    Seriously?

    It may have been hard to write that, so I appreciate her candor and all…but damn, if HONESTY is the hallmark of great relationships then this thing was all bad from message one.

  • Anthony

    This was a case of two adults being whack in different ways.

  • Deb

    This is what I came in here to say. Why drag innocent crayons into this?

  • Kay

    I don’t think in my single days I would have ever, EVER flown to meet up with a guy I don’t know. I think if you choose to do it, staying at a hotel will at least give you the option of walking away if he turns out to be a whack job. But then again, I’m super paranoid and would get a little bit suspicious if someone is offering to fly me out for free to stay with them for a few days no questions asked. I’d be like “Why can’t you fly out here and stay at a hotel and we can meet up to do things around the city?” I would be thinking they wanted some slap and tickle for their trouble and I really don’t have the patience to deal with someone who expected some fly-over booty. Just sayin……

  • Kay

    HA! :-D

  • Leo the Yardie Chick

    Kay, I’m super-paranoid too. if someone I hadn’t seen in years just showed up and offered to fly me out to their neck of the woods, the theme songs for Criminal Minds and L&O: SVU would start playing immediately.

    No. Sir.

  • Carefree

    You nailed it!
    Although he could’ve been a cornball brotha

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