Womens-Magazine-400x470The other day, I realized that I always put on my underwear with such intense concentration and anxiety that you’d think it was some kind of perverted carnival game. Why? Because I read in Cosmopolitan like six years ago that if you let your feet touch the crotch part of your panties while you’re putting them on, you will get some horrible vaginal foot fungus (it was discussed in an article called, like, “THE LATEST WOMEN’S HEALTH SCARE YOUR DOCTOR WON’T TELL YOU ABOUT).

The truth is, between the smoky eye tutorials and charming Taylor Swift profiles, women’s magazines also excel at scaring the shit out of you. I asked the rest of The Frisky staff about the freaky things they’d learned from years of reading lady mags, and we came up with the following list. Feel free to add your own in the comments!

1. That my death from a poorly sanitized nail salon foot bath is inevitable.

2. That any kind of pain in my abdomen is either an ectopic pregnancy or advanced ovarian cancer.

3. That my face is going to erupt into some sort of festering infection any second now because the makeup I’m using is more than three months old.

4. That if I’m not debuting a wild new sex position every night my partner will get bored with me.

5. That having hair anywhere on my body other than my head will make me a societal outcast who will die sad and alone.

6. That I am definitely going to get skin cancer due to my refusal to wear long sleeves, three layers of designer sunscreen, and a large sunhat every time I go outside.

7. Seriously though, that freckle? THAT FRECKLE IS CANCER.

8. That if we have sex too soon, the guy who was really into me before we fornicated will lose interest immediately.

9. That my portion sizes are 10 times too big and really, no matter what I’m eating, I could have made a healthier choice.

10. That traveling alone always leads to being kidnapped by a drug cartel.

11. That my inability to reach the “Big O” means there is something wrong with me, him, it, something. Something is definitely wrong.

12. That I should consult my horoscope before making any decisions at all.

13. That my gynecologist has been molesting me.

14. That it’s impossible to party every once in awhile without becoming another statistic in the BINGE DRINKING EPIDEMIC.

15. That if my boyfriend finds out I poop he will leave me.

16. That the only reason I don’t have Jessica Alba’s body is because I’m too lazy.

17. That my office chair is giving me scoliosis.

18. That my bra is giving me breast cancer.

19. That I’m not having nearly enough sex and will regret it for the rest of my life.

20. That I’m having way too much sex and won’t even live to regret it because duh, sex causes cancer.

[Photo via Cracked]

 

This post originally appeared on The Frisky. Republished with permission.

 

  • Ash

    I’m a loyal Cosmo reader because it’s so unintentionally funny. In one of their “100 Sex Moves that Will Drive him Crazy” it suggested that instead of using hair-scrunchies to put your hair in a ponytail… you put the scrunchie around your man’s penis. Cuz it will “drive him wild”. LMAO oh please. After he tells you to get the F out!

  • angel

    Hilarious!!!

  • Deb

    Honestly, the writers and editors at Cosmo are trolling women at this point.

  • RenJennM

    Cute article. The list and the magazine cover are hilarious!

    For me, non-Black women magazines taught me that when it comes to makeup, “dark” is about the skin color of Kerry Washington. (I’m more of a Tasha Smith complexion.) And “African-American” hair is all one texture, so everyone with “AA” hair gets the same product recommendation.

  • JS

    #2, I have ovarian cysts, many women do and don’t know it, so it is actually a valid fear.

    #5, so true!

    I also agree with #8, #9, #16.

  • Anthony

    Actually the bit about men masturbating to Christina Hendricks looks pretty real to me. For those who are into thick white women, she is pretty close to ideal.

    It wasn’t until I saw some other blurbs that I realized that cover is a joke!

  • Mademoiselle

    Oh, number 4 and number 5… How long it took for me to get over them. Sigh. P.S. I think these magazines should be kept in the back room with the “men’s” magazines because numbers 4 & 5 should not have been such a regular topic of conversation when I was in high school.

  • spread love

    A hypochondriacs’ nightmare! Sounds like these magazines got some of their tips from WebMD. I wear that site has the ability to turn a common cold into a rare mutation of the bubonic plague that will be the cause of the zombie apocalypse. These are quite funny; I enjoyed this.

    Reading magazines should definitely be just for fun :)

  • spread love

    *swear

  • Treece

    Numbers 2, 4, 9, 16, and 19 are the regulars I always, always see in magazines like Cosmo. No reason why teenaged girls should be paranoid about these things, neither should adult women for that matter. They only publish bullsh**t like this b/c some of us women eat it up with spoon and keep buying it. They are laughing at us all the way to bank as some of us scramble around trying to come up with 46 different positions a night trying to “keep him interested”…..enough already

  • ImJustSaying

    The one about sunscreen is is valid (hey everybody needs it, from whipped cream white to dark chocolate brown) These are hilarious and sadly true to every woman’s magazine.

    I used to get Cosmo for the Home decorating page. Yep bought a whole magazine for one page of home tips and then read the rest. Then I found the internet and HGTV.

  • http://gravatar.com/smileygirl86 smileygirl86

    I honestly believe it’s a group of women shut in a room fighting for freedom and the only way to get out is that they “invent” some really odd shat. Scrunchie on what? Why? Lol pure craziness

Latest Stories

Hashtivism: See How Twitter Took Over #myNYPD to Highlight Police Brutality

by

V.O.T.D: “Thugs, The Musical!”

by

Open Thread: Did You Watch “The Boondocks” Season Premiere?

by

Paul Ryan to Meet With CBC to Clear Up Racially Insensitive Comments

by
More in magazines, the frisky
Tipping
The Tipping Point: How To Tip Like A Normal Person

DealBreaker
Dealbreaker: He Wore Three Condoms

Close