My Panties Are Staying On If…

by Niesha Davis

Panties My panties are staying on if …

So, next week will mark my two-year anniversary of being single and boyfriend-free. Initially I was thrilled to not be attached at the hip to my insecure and possessive lush of an ex-boyfriend. Oh what a joy it was — being free again and able to do what I wanted without having to “check in” or coordinate around my boo thangs schedule. But lately, I’ve been feeling that relationship itch and have decided to dip my toe back in the dating world once more.

The problem is my results have been less than stellar thus far. It seems that the men who approach me find someway to eliminate themselves from the running before we even start. Take one fellow that hit me up on an online dating site recently. At first, his approach was respectable, funny, and intriguing. But a few message exchanges in, he began to insult my tattoos and their placements. After I went ghost, he apologized, but the damage was done. Any initial interest was thrown out the window, and while I did humor him with a few more messages, my panties were definitely staying on.

This is not a rare occurrence, as I’ve had plenty of girl talk sessions where friends have shared instances of men practically talking themselves out of any possibility of the poon-poon. This got me to thinking about all of the instances where men who once had a shot, were suddenly sent packing. Here is a short list of some of the possible reasons why my panties might be staying on. If you don’t want to be sent home with a case of the blue balls, take note fellas.

You are a grown man who still answer to childhood nicknames.
Guys, if you are of age and still go by Jr-DON’T. I simply can’t take a man seriously who calls himself anything other than his god given name on the regular. If you tell me your name is J-Moneyee, Pookie, Scooter, or Shadow, my panties are staying on. Wanna be taken seriously? Hit me with your government name.

You live at home with your mom-or worse, your ex girlfriend
Unless you are taking care of a sick relative or have a darn good excuse for not being on your own, don’t step to me if you don’t have keys to your own place.Look, we’re not in college anymore and I don’t want to have to duck and dodge questions from your meddling mom. Nor am I interested in wondering if you and your baby mama are still getting it in when I’m not around.

Ebonics is your first, second, and only language
“Ay, shawty, wuz gud wit chu?” Facepalm. As women, we fall for you with our ears. There is nothing less appealing than a man who can’t string together a complete sentence. Knowledge is power. Get yourself some.

You insult my body
A friend once told me a story about getting intimate with a man-friend. She decided to go to the restroom to do…whatever it is she may have needed to do in private. Old boy thought it would be in his best interest to say, “ Yeah, you gon go clean it out for me huh?” Too bad for him that he had to leave after that. Fellas, I must ask, where they do that at? A vajayjay is not a garbage disposal that needs cleaning out, so don’t refer to it as such. Also, since we are on the subject, don’t nitpick at my body parts. No one cares that you prefer smaller tatas. If the grass is so much greener, don’t let the door hit you…

You are too pushy and don’t respect boundaries
My body, my rules.Period.

You act too eager for the goodies
If I mention to a guy that I am a writer and he doesn’t ask me any follow-up questions pertaining to my art, the panties are staying on. This isn’t Craigslist casual encounters buddy! At least pretend to give a damn, before you attempt to get the booty.

You refer to women as females or bitches
I don’t know why this chafes me, oh wait, maybe because I’m a woman, not a dog? Leave the derogatory name calling for the locker room. If you don’t have the good sense to not call me out of my name in front of me, in what other ways will you disrespect me?

You are unemployed
Why are you trying to date if your pockets are light? Don’t you know how expensive we are? I kid, I kid … kind of. Expecting a man who is interested in me to have some financial muscle isn’t about being a gold digger. It’s about being a smart human being. I have my own, so why shouldn’t all potential suitors be in equally good standing? Perhaps instead of trying to get with me, you should worry about getting your grown man on? My daddy didn’t raise no fool. You have to have a j-o-b (and preferably a B.A. degree) to ride this ride.

Ladies, what are some other reasons the panties might be staying on?

  • Orange Starr Happy Hunting

    My panties are staying on if we are not married and /or super exclusive on the way to marriage and monogamous, it goes without saying he’d have to be THAT dude (see deal breakers for more.)
    Ain’t nobody got time for anything less round these parts

  • Anthony

    Ladies, be selective. I believe a huge proportion of problems in relationships come from getting involved with people who don’t meet your standards.

  • JS

    I don’t think saying “females” is terrible. One of my friends, also a really nice guy, says it. He doesn’t mean any disrespect by it. I think it all depends on tone and context. “Women” instead of “females” followed by a misogynist statement doesn’t make it any better/worse.

  • Lisss

    Hahahaha Amen to that! The only thing that can uncross these legs is a ring followed by a sincere “i do” with an understanding of a lifetime comitment…and i dont care how prude that sounds. Like the article says, my body. my rules.

  • http:tontonmichel.tumblr.com Tonton Michel

    “ Yeah, you gon go clean it out for me huh?”

    Oh hell naw, sound the alarm: DANGER! DANGER! DANGER! YOU ARE IN THE IN THE COMPANY OF A REAL NIGGA! KEEP YOUR LEGS CLOSED AND EVACUATE THE BUILDING IMMEDIATELY! THIS IS YOUR FINAL WARNING!

  • spread love

    Eh, I don’t think there’s anything wrong with answering to a childhood nickname. I know plenty of men whose families still call them by their nicknames; usually a shorter version of their name. As long he knows when to be professional or understands that a nickname should be used at certain times (family or friend atmosphere), I think it’s ok.

  • LemonNLime

    I agree with this entire list. I’m happy I’m not the only one to require a bachelors degree (unless in a field that doesn’t require it, for example a chef).

    I believe in being selective because it is not worth my time not to be. Why get involved with someone who doesn’t fit me just so as not to be alone? I am very content and happy with my life as a single woman so I want to find a man that is going to add to that happiness, not take away from it. I compare it to a cherry on top of an already awesome ice cream sundae; the sundae was amazing before the cherry, but the cherry just adds to the awesomeness of all that ice cream! I’d rather be happy and single, than miserable and in a relationship.

  • Miakoda

    Coded language:

    “You can come over my house and watch movies, drink wine, and just chill.”
    “What are you doing later?”
    “Can I come see you?”

  • Kaori

    I hope you spend as much time giving men advice on male centric sites as you do here.

  • http://gravatar.com/anon4cec gryph

    real women sex with their panties still any way #anytimeanyplace

  • lauryn

    Wow, I JUST had this conversation with one of my friends the other day. She tells me I need to bend my standards a bit. Ok, that may be true, but certain things will stay in place, and how funny, they resemble the author’s list.

    I also hate the use of the word “”– sorry, we’re not all one person nor do we share a collective brain.

  • LMO85

    Thank you.

  • lauryn

    *I meant to say, I hate the use of the word “females.” I have a friend, who, every time he talks about the women in his life, says “y’all” as though we are one. Um, no.

  • Remy

    Thank you!

  • Karyn

    ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
    check the time!!!
    Most of these “coded languages” are sent at specific times. *smh*

  • talaktochoba

    good luck with that;

    while it may be your body, it is most definitely NOT your rules;

    they are THE RULES, and you only get to decide whether or not to adopt them, not make them or change them;

    hope you one day grow to understand the difference;

    until then, have a nice life with that cat, but don’t ever let him find out the screen to your back door is broke…

  • Anthony

    Kaori, no I don’t spend any time at all on specifically male sites, and I guess I shouldn’t have posted on this topic. When I am not on Clutch, I tend to read news sites, and sites that are oriented towards my favorite hobbies. I guess I am like the white people Malcolm X criticized for always telling black folks about racism instead of confronting other whites.

    Sorry for offending you.

  • Me

    You have to have a j-o-b (and preferably a B.A. degree)

    In my opinion as long as a man has a job and can hold his own financial. A degree
    should not matter.

  • Sheena

    Thank you Anthony. At least you’re not being a troll or rude to any of us like some of the other men that comment on this site. I for one, appreciate it.

  • WaterLove

    I am a woman, who served in the military. I heard “female” so much, especially during basic training. That was how we were addressed and how we addressed each other. Back then, I thought nothing if it, and referred to women as females. It wasn’t until recently that I understood what was wrong with calling women “females”. So, in some cases, like your gentleman friend, they don’t mean any harm. It is good you are correcting him, though.

  • sami

    Please explain to me why its wrong. I really don’t know. Thanks!

  • Kaeli

    Wow, I truly respect you for this post. I appreciate your ability to listen to criticism, look at how others might be offended and come back with an intelligent introspective response. Sign of real solidarity.

  • Hmm

    Eh.. so this is another deal breakers post?

  • Jaslene

    What is so wrong with the word female?

  • dbsm

    …if i am not physically attracted to you..

    ….unless you can spit a nice intellectual convo, touch me spiritually, or run my emotions…

    …fcuk all the other BS. And that’s IF I even came with any panties on…If I did, I’m almost daring you to get them off.

  • Paul

    @LemonNLime – So if a millionaire, who had no college degree, tried to date you, you would reject him, solely(!) because he doesn’t have a degree? Yeah, right! I call BS!!

  • Lisss

    oh have a coke and shut it up please!

  • Lisss

    Sorry that was meant for talaktochoba.

  • False Consciousness

    “Ay, shawty, wuz gud wit chu?”

    “Facepalm As women, we fall for you with our ears. There is nothing less appealing than a man who can’t string together a complete sentence. Knowledge is power. Get yourself some.”

    What’s incomplete about

    “Ay, shawty, wuz gud wit chu?”

    Should it go – ‘excuse me my delightful diminutive lady (bootlick on full) what sort of day are you having today and how perchance, may I brighten it up for you?

    PUH-leeeeze.

    Aint nobody time for dat.

    LMAO!

    That’s way too much time effort and corniness to waste on a speculative opening gambit intended to merely test the water..

    “Ay, shawty, wuz gud wit chu?”

    allows one to keep in HOT and weed out the cold.

    As for the rest

    There is nothing less appealing than a woman who gives herself more reasons to say no than yes.

    Proof? Single two years means you don’t get too many offers, when all is said and done.

    :-)

    Advice – that’s right, unsolicited man advice, what?

    Drop all the nos and replace them with one big fat juicy wet and slimy YES. LMAO!

  • Miss A

    I was with the author somewhat until she mentioned a man with a degree…most of my friends are married and their husbands make good money but none went to college. A couple of the husbands are making well over six figures and barely graduated high school (they stayed in trouble)! I just got engaged to a wonderful man that served in the military and retired from it – he is bringing home more than me and I have a degree while he graduated with honors from high school but decided to serve his country. The ladies in the marriages have bachelors and master degrees, but when they married the men they didn’t. I hate when women limit themselves based on a man’s level of education. I have single guy friends making good money but can’t seem to find a good woman that is not instantly judgmental based on collegiate criteria.

    Ladies, there is nothing wrong with standards but sometimes you need to get to know these men a little more before instantly tossing them aside because of something they said or did up front. Give them more than just one strike…..

  • L

    “My daddy didn’t raise no fool. You have to have a j-o-b (and preferably a B.A. degree) to ride this ride.”

    while i agree with a man having a Job when pursueing me. i totally disagree with him having to have a college degree or even some college. When will the sistas on this site realize that a college degree does not equal *smart* *respectful* *professional* h3ll even *middle class*. Plus most of these degree carrying brothas also come with alot of student loan debt the other men dont have.

    “You are a grown man who still answer to childhood nicknames”

    I think I would change this to “you are a grown man that introduces yourself with your childhood nickname” . you can’t help it when family continues to call you by a nickname but you better not introduce yourself to me as “lil tone tone” @@@@@

  • Wanda

    Can we first address the gul-darn foolishness of making life-impacting decisions based on whether we are taking off, or keeping on our underwear?

    So sick of this immaturity…for decades now.

    You know, you attract what you reflect pretty much MOST of the time!

  • False Consciousness

    Yawn

    the old “pick better men” mantra.

    Anyone ever consider the possibility that the “better” men are already hoovering up the “better” women, and simply using the “not-better” women as play things?

    But of course the “not-better” men get the blame for the crimes of the “better” men.

    What we end up with is a self perpetuating cycle that no one wants to break because having “not-better” men to scapegoat for the wrongdoing of so called “better” men, suits a whole lotta people just fine.

    Suits the so called “better” men just fine because they still get to look good, and its suits the “not- better” women fine because they get to play victim even though the only thing they’re victim of is their sense of entitlement to “better” men.

    The only people who come out innocent are “better” women and “Thug” (read working class black man)

    hmm!

    that might explain why so many “better” women end up with “thugs” (read:working class black man)

    Water does indeed find its own level. The “better” women find the BEST men in good ole “Thug”, after all.

    Don’t you just love a happy ending?

    LMAO!

  • Fantastico

    Yes solidarity.

  • Que??

    No, it basically means she is probably STD free and having sex with her isn’t like throwing a hotdog down a empty hallway.

    Why so much hostilitiy towards women who are saving themselves for marriage or a serious committment? You MUST feel threatened in some way. What difference does it make to you if a woman is more conservative with her sexuality? (And if you say I was being hostile in the comment I just made, I’ll admit to it because it was in response to your juvenille comments made first)

  • LemonNLime

    Ummm what part of “unless in a field that doesn’t require it” don’t you understand?

  • Que??

    This was actually a response to swade85 comments on the first page of the comment section. I don’t know why it posted as a separate comment

  • Marisa

    The only thing I have to contribute is the title to this reminds me of that lady on the Best Week ever segment “Panties On/Off lol carry on.

  • False Consciousness

    My June 12, 2013 at 1:41 pm comment

    was meant for this g i y.

    Gives me a hard laugh when they still reject your wimpathy with women’s “woes”.

    LMAO!

  • L

    Definition of female (adj)
    Bing Dictionary
    fe·male [ f màyl ] 1.of women: relating or belonging to women or girls
    2.of the sex that produces offspring: relating or belonging to the sex that produces sex cells gametes that fuse with male sex cells during sexual reproduction
    3.producing seeds: describes the part of a plant that produces the female sex cells

    I’m sorry i just don’t see the problem in being called a female. I think some of you all are too sensitive.

  • MimiLuvs

    re: Author’s ‘To Not Bang’ list

    I agree with most. I disagree with a few.

    re: My own ‘To Not Bang’ list

    -Body odor. I used to think that it was cute/sexy until… I received a whiff of my former fiancee’s body odor.
    -Crude language (Outside of the bedroom)
    There’s something about hearing such language during the ‘every day’ activities that makes meuncomfortable.
    -Advertising about recent bodily functions. Or worse… wanting to show off the end results of bodily functions.
    -Comparing and contrasting the physiques/talents/skills of previous lovers.

  • Blue

    Word. They got on me for using the word “female” instead of “women” same thing if you ask me. Just be glad I didn’t them b*thces

  • Blue

    Rather use the word female as in woman or the other word for female dog.

  • Orange Starr Happy Hunting

    *********repost for Que??************
    June 12, 2013 at 1:52 pm
    “No, it basically means she is probably STD free and having sex with her isn’t like throwing a hotdog down a empty hallway.

    Why so much hostilitiy towards women who are saving themselves for marriage or a serious committment? You MUST feel threatened in some way. What difference does it make to you if a woman is more conservative with her sexuality? (And if you say I was being hostile in the comment I just made, I’ll admit to it because it was in response to your juvenille comments made first)”

    ….Furthermore since Que chose to address the feeble and simple minded let me expound upon her response, when males like this Swade character make derogatory comments about being abstinent it just shows their lack of intelligence especially when STD’s and oow children are at an all time high. It also speaks to a certain male mindset, where this same individual would be the first one to call a woman a whore if he somehow was not in control of her sexuality. Women owning their own sexuality even in abstinence only threatens the weak and the wack. Whereas a man of character and wisdom would only respect such a decision for reasons that may be moral, spiritual and/or health conscious (emotional and otherwise).

  • Pingback: My Panties Are Staying On If… | Urban Family Communications

  • Liz

    How unfortunate for you… this woman does the choosing.

  • Paul

    @LemonNLime – your qualifier is meaningless. Employers are looking for degreed candidates, even for jobs that objectively speaking, don’t require a college education. These same employers use, credit score, background check. The purpose, to have a “race-neutral” reason, to deny blacks a job. (But being the smart person you are – I’m sure you knew that.)

    Two, the purpose of a college education is to train the mind, and to explain one’s knowledge base, and to learn how to think critically. It has nothing to do with, “unless a field doesn’t require it.”

    So clearly, when it comes to the reasons why a person should be college trained, you’re the one who doesn’t understand. # Do better. # # Don’t judge people by whether they have a college degree. And you may find, a brother with a degree(s) & superior college attended, is not at all impressed, by your degree & college attended. # # # Never thought of that, did you?

  • Me

    I agree. A college degree does not equal compatibility and etc..

  • Me

    Plus most of these degree carrying brothas also come with alot of student loan debt the other men dont have.

    So true.

  • http://gravatar.com/nolakiss16 binks

    Agreed Orange Starr Happy Hunting! But lol at the trolls on this article for telling on themselves. This is why I say women are damn if we do damm if we don’t in the sex department to some men. If we choose to drop our panties we are sl*t shamed but when we choose not to drop the panties we are non-sl*t shamed. That is why I am an advocate for women following our own rules and setting our own pace and views when it comes to sex.

  • moemiel

    Seriously. I dont know what is wrong with this site. Filled with elitists. Y dismiss ebonics as uneducated? I dont speak it and thats bc i am aftican. There r lots of cultures in which its perfectly normal to live at home with ur parents until marriage. This homage black women pay to having a degree is so bogus…maybe he went to college, got all the critical thinking skills, realised that college is bs and nvr graduated…how about ppl in the trades. Like is ur degree all u gonna talk about or are u saying the only way to measure intelligence is by being a grad.

  • LemonNLime

    Who are you? Seriously, one minute you are mad bc you thought (clearly didn’t read) I wrote something, then you get mad at something else? Please, you need to take your insecurities someplace else. Some random no-body on the internet isn’t going to change my mind. You complain like some dude who been rejected by multiple women because you didn’t measure up academically, or mentally, to their requirements.

    By they way, who is “impressed” by a college degree? They are like a dime a dozen. I’m thinking about ones long-term economic potential, if you aren’t good for you! I come from a family that values higher education so much so that my great grandfather relocated his entire family so they, and those that came after him, would have access to higher education. If you don’t care about that, so what, you want a cookie for it something?

    By the way, employers aren’t the only ones looking at credit scores and background checks. There is no way I would settled down with someone who doesn’t have their crap together financially. Why? Because you can’t build long-term wealth with a weak foundation.

    And save the #hashtags for black twitter. Idiot.

  • Treece

    So you speak for ALL men?? ALL men are incapable of waiting? So you’re a clairvoyant who can read ALL men’s minds and tell us ladies that a man won’t call us back if we don’t have sex with him on the first or first couple of dates? You know Orange Starr Happy Hunting so well (or any sexually conservative woman) that you know she doesn’t have a man? ……you should get a hotline with all that psychic ability

  • Treece

    The above comment is meant for Swade85 on the previous page in response to Orange Starr… comment

  • Kaori

    You care nothing for men’s issues and would rather spend time on women’s sites telling them what to do?

    I wasn’t offended, just annoyed with bros like you and James who come on here telling women what to do.

  • Anthony

    Kaori, actually I am very interested in men’s issues since I am a man! I haven’t founded a cool men’s site yet. For what it’s worth, I bumped to Clutch simply because so many interesting stories had links back to this site.

    Feminism is a strong interest of mine because I have spent the last thirty years trying to be a man who practices feminist principles in my life and in the classroom and my research.

    I don’t think I actually tell women what to do. I give my opinion, and maybe my advice, but clearly I don’t have one second of first hand experience as a woman. My original post on this thread is something that is pretty rare for me. Many of the stories I where I post are not gender specific of they are about issues like rape or abuse in which men do interact negatively with women.

  • False Consciousness

    Is your comment not slut shaming by another name?

  • http://gravatar.com/mstwixx mstwixx

    I feel you on that, but in the true “exception to the rule” fashion also, and in these times, it might be true. I’m only saying this because of the double standard I get when I tell a potential suitor that I just moved in with my father to not help with the bills, but to pay them. Mom’s is in Puerto Rico pursing a nursing degree and my Pop’s business is dead in the Summer. They are the best parents a child could have so I would never think to say no if they needed my help. I usually get a “you’re such a good daughter” and they like me more… but if a man said that, would he get the same response? It’s a tricky slope when dealing with deal breakers…

    PS, I’m cynical too lol :)

  • Kaori

    Why do I feel that you are the same bro who got scolded and run off from commenting on BB&W because you would get your ass handed to you every time?

  • AnnT

    Woman are more than vessels produce offspring.
    That’s what a “female” is. A biological function, and more importantly, 99% the term “female” is used in the most derogatory, condescending, negative manner.
    “Female” is rarely used a positive manner:

    Have you ever heard “My female can throw down in the kitchen!”
    “My female loves me!”
    “Phenomenal Female”
    “Females of the congregation…”,
    “This is a Man’s World, but but it ain’t nothing without a female.”
    I dare you to call your Mother a female and see what happens.

  • Anthony

    I don’t know why you feel that way. I don’t even know what BB&W is.

  • MimiLuvs

    @Anthony
    You’re cool with me.
    I think that you might be right, when it comes to a men’s website that follows the same method as Clutch.
    The ones that I do know about are really unisex, but it mostly visited by men.

  • Kacey

    In my opinion, a woman like that has her priorities all mixed-up. A grown woman who has her isht together is not impressed by how much (or how little) a guy spends on her.

    As-a-matter-of-fact, I prefer for our first few “getting to know you” dates to be short and ultra cheap – I’m talking coffee at Starbucks, a drink at a bar, an ice-cream cone while out for a walk, etc. I’m serious. I adopted this policy a few years ago after I went out on ONE date with a guy who spent $100 on me then expected “pay-back” in the form of sex the next day.

  • Sharon Lowd

    Some women never learn, it’s not what you have, it’s who you are. If you are a good man, honest and responsible – your world is filled with possibilities. If you want him to “step to you” ready-made, you may not only keep your panties on – you may be wearing them until panties are no longer in fashion. I agree with you, there are so many other cultures where men are not put down because they still reside in the “familial home”.

  • Miakoda

    In other cultures, those men are encouraged to stay home while they pursue higher education and save money for their own family. In American culture, especially Black American culture that isn’t the case.

  • LemonNLime

    I love having you on Clutch Anthony. You are the one of the few sane men that comments respectfully on this site and I look forward to hearing your opinion on different topics!

  • Ash

    Why are some men so mad when black women say they want a man who went to college? Don’t assume it’s because she’s shallow. I have nothing against blue-collar brothas but school is really important to me in my own life. I want someone who’s similar to me in that regard. Even if he has student loan debt. lol

  • Anthony

    Thanks MimiLuvs!

  • Sharon Lowd

    OOOH girl! You are so right it’s scary.

  • Ash

    I agree. MOST women aren’t expecting a man to spend tons of money on a date. Men incorrectly assume that fancy dinners will lead to the woman sleeping with him. I don’t know any woman that has busted it open for Chedda Biscuits at Red Lobster.

  • D

    Because it purports a narrow view of what education actually means.

  • Job

    I’m a professional. I live with my parents to save money as did my older brother until he was married. He was immediately able to purchase a home. He had more money saved than people who have their own place. This list is superficial. Having a degree in theater does not make one an intellectual.

  • Anon

    I won’t interrupt this sistergirl circle to tear this apart (though it’s funny how the author is against nicknames and ebonics but is a grown ass woman calling her vagina a “poon-poon” and “vajayjay”)

    Anyway, men may talk themselves out of things from time to time, but women THINK themselves out of a lot more.

  • Paul

    @lemonNLime – Clearly, you are the one with issues. You said, you required a college degree in a man. And now you’re saying, you are not impressed by college degrees. Which one is it?! And I did read your remark clearly. You made the foolish statement, you required a college degree in a man, unless the job did not require it. Don’t you see, that’s a foolish, nonsensical statement?! Your qualifier makes no sense! Bottom line – You are willing to date someone, who doesn’t have a degree; that’s what’s your qualifier says. Therefore, there was no need to mention, about needing a college degree, because it’s not true. Either a job requires it, or it doesn’t. Repeat – Your qualifier makes no sense!!

  • Paul

    @Moemiel – Thank you

  • AnnT

    My touchscreen typing is terrible…

  • LemonNLime

    Take a look at there enrollment within the university system. If you have a bunch of women saying they want someone with a college education, statistically things don’t look too good for most of them if they want to snag someone with an education. Granted statistically, it doesn’t work out well for black women either (if you are exclusively looking to be in a relationship with a black man) but that is why one has standards, to weed out the people who don’t share your values. When you set certain standards you know it is going to narrow the pool of potential suitors. Why would you want to date everyone and everything available? Besides, I doubt men with college degrees are complaining. Honestly, I doubt this is even a conversation within other communities.

  • BreaktheCycle

    Hi Anthony,

    I always enjoy reading your posts and like to hear a respectful man’s perspective. Please keep posting without hesitation!

  • SayWhat

    The better question, is why does it bother you that she wants a man with a degree…..you know, like herself? There are plenty of people who don’t put much stock in degrees, she does. Let her have her standards, and you have yours.

  • Candi83

    So are you saying that rape is ok? Or if a man wants to have sex, then a woman must comply?

    You’re right, there are the rules. Rules that EVERYONE’S body and wishes should be respected…. Man or Woman… PERIOD.

  • Anthony

    I do my best to remember that this is a forum aimed at women, and that I am the one who needs to be mindful of where I am, not the women who are the target of Clutch.

  • lol

    me too

  • Ads

    It’s perfectly normal in many countries to live witb ur parents til marriage, but not in the US. These are different cultural values. If u come from a culture where that’s expected, you may be more reliant on your parents’ opinions, defer to them, plan to have them live with us later on.. Those are serious differences that can make or break a relationship. The fact that this is a valid option in many cultures doesnt mean someone with those values is compatible with the author. I say this as someone with a husband from one of these cultures. Luckily i found someone who did leave the nest at 18, but those cultural values are still there, him hoping to work it out that his mom will one day live with us, and a constant negotiation between our different cultural values.

  • Fit_MissC

    I’ve gotten the “What are you doing?” Like, really? You think I’m brand new. Chile please.

  • Ash

    @LemonNLime:

    “I doubt this is even a conversation within other communities”

    Exactly. No one would dare tell an Asian or White woman that she’s wrong for not dating someone would never went to university.

  • Fit_MissC

    “Coded language” has no time boundaries in this day and age.

  • http://gravatar.com/mimiandy1683 MimiLuvs

    I agree with you.
    I believe that it is more acceptable for a woman to live with her parent(s) than it is for a man to live with his parents.
    For a woman, most people will believe that she is helping out her family (financially, health-wise, etc.).
    For a man, there is a list of negative things.

  • ETC

    I agree with everything, except about the hotdog in the hallway thing. The vagina does not get loose. It contracts back to it’s original size. I doubt anyone can really tell if a woman has had one or 100 partners to be honest. Women should have as much sex or as little sex as they desire as long as they are being SAFE about it.

  • http://gravatar.com/artwork100 WaterLove

    @ Sami I read a lot of blogs and sites, including Clutch, and occasionally see someone bring up the issue of men calling women “females”. As I stated, I saw nothing wrong with it, being that I did the same thing and I am a woman. Then, I heard it put in a way that made perfect sense to me. I read it is dehumanizing because “female” can refer to any other species, not just humans, such as female dogs. It made perfect sense to me from that point on. In addition, when I thought about it, most of the times I heard it used, it was said with contempt. I will state again, however, sometimes no harm is intended. If that is how you hear women referred to, in an environment such as the military, you may not know any better. Or, people may just not see anything wrong with it, until it is brought to their attention in a way they can understand.

  • ETC

    I have heard that this is becoming a problem in all communities. Women tend to enroll in college more than men. In these environments, men tend to have the advantage of choosing/playing women. However, when I went to visit my friends at a Naval base, all of the guys were married or trying to get married like ASAP. It is the same think with blue collar men, fire fighters and cops. This was true across the board in terms of race. However, a lot of black women were married to White or Latino men. This is all very interesting. I guess most of my friends are not looking “exclusively” for their own race. It is like, if it happens cool, if it doesn’t then a quality man of any race will do. However, if a BW wants a BW, I am sure she can find herself a quality one. Sorry for the long rant!

  • Kaori

    “You’re such a good little boy, Anthony” is the tone I am reading from these comments. LMAO.

  • justanotheropinion

    If only I had a nickel for every as*hole I’ve come across WITH a degree….SMH.

    Checklists are great, but remember they are not the absolute barometer of whether or not someone is good TO you and FOR you. Look at the whole package. And that’s for both men & women.

  • Kaeli

    Having a requirement and being impressed by it are two very different things. For example, I require my potential mate to brush his teeth twice daily but I am not impressed that he does.

    I am on the fence about the whole degree requirement. I enjoy very intellectual conversation and need a partner who can keep up in this way. I’ve met too many shallow men with college degrees with nothing to say. Therefore, I simply say that my requirement is a man who values learning ( not simply education), is well- read, well-traveled, and open minded.

  • Sharon Lowd

    I agree; my mother-in-law still calls my husband by his god-awful nickname – I hate it – but I love both of them. Had I stopped seeing him because of his nickname, I would have missed 40 yrs of being married to a truly wonderful husband and father. Sometimes it’s good to stop picking nits.

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  • Sharon Lowd

    Nailed it!

  • Sharon Lowd

    Not trying to convince anyone of anything – not trying to get anyone to change their viewpoint – all I would like to say is that I once felt like strangling any Black man that said the following – “I stopped dating Black women because they’re too judgmental and too picky”. Now, not so much. While I know that the blog writer, Niesha Davis, did not paint anyone or anything with a broad brush, we sometimes tend to think and speak that way. So, my comments may sound like I’m referring to “all” Black women and “all” Black men, I’m not. There are so many good Black men out there – many are quite hesitant to even try to establish a serious relationship because of women like Ms Davis. Does he make enough money? Does he live at home? Does he like her tattoos (Wow!)? Does he have a BA, a nickname and is he enthralled with what she does? Maybe she should just hand them an application and be done with it. Who knows, maybe she was on a down day when she wrote this blog. Oh well – panties on or off – good luck with that search.

  • talaktochoba

    how right you are!

  • antisocialengineering

    Well one thing to come out of this one is that the weakest link in the BC are the brainwashed oafs who’ve received the white man’s indoctrination at one of his institutions of “higher learning”.

    Just once, it would nice to see education mentioned, by these gibbering buffoons, in relation to its true purpose, which is to communicate knowledge, rather than merely as a tick box item on some fool’s dating checklist.

    The only thing these stupid bastards “learn” at university is what their place is, in the system of white supremacy. That place is . . . . . black person with a degree.

    Got debt but no power, no money, no job, and not even date, yet some how they figure they got options around black people.

  • L

    @AnnT

    Definition of woman (n)
    Bing Dictionary
    wom·an [ wmmən ] 1.female adult: an adult female human being
    2.women as group: women collectively or in general
    3.femininity: feminine qualities or feelings

    I still don’t agree with you. Just because it is not used as frequently as woman, does not mean it is a negative word. Any word can turn negative if the wrong adjectives are placed in front of it. *weak woman* *stupid woman* *dumb woman* Does that make me hate the word woman now… i think not. I think i will have to agree to disagree with you and all my little thumbs down voters. Female is just a word and ironically it is a word used in the definition of Woman (as shown above)

  • darcy

    Wow… get used to being alone.

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  • Kaori

    1. Men can either date women who are on the same level as them.

    or

    2. They could learn to start bettering themselves to make themselves more viable as dating options.

  • AnnT

    Just because another woman says it doesn’t make it right.
    I don’t use the N-word, and I don’t agree with anyone else uses it.Same difference. We can agree to disagree, but again, call the women in your life that you hold near and dear to your heart a “female” and see what happens.

  • Janiesha

    im so confused on why these reasons needed a blog…this is common sense stuff?? Yeah, if you are a murderer… I will not have sex with you….along with all this other stuff she listed….jesus…common sense stuff.. why did she find the need to put this in print? ?

  • Pat

    Love that paragraph under “You are unemployed”. Right, daddy didn’t raise no fool. You have to have a j-o-b (and preferably a B.A. degree)….

    And D-R-I-V-E!!!

    Having drive is what keeps you afloat. A job may come and go. If the income stops, will he sink or swim? So, If I see drive in his spirit, it will intrigue me enough to at least find out why he is “currently” unemployed. By seeing that drive, I know he either has a plan or in the process of working on one. He won’t be down for long. Pretty much, both are a prerequisite for me.

    Now the others on the list were a complete “No-No” then, of course it is now.

  • http://gravatar.com/rastaman1967 rastaman

    I am never going to knock any person male or female for having standards for whom they wish to share their lives or themselves. Because at the end of the day it should be about what makes you happy it is just that sometimes what you think you want is not what you need. At different points in my life I have failed to meet these and other requirements of women I had hoped to pursue. Many years later, I can look back and say I did all right considering because it always better to go where you are wanted.

    Meeting and mating is always going to be easier for some than it is for others, some of us are going to invest more time and effort in this endeavor than others and they will probably have more success but in the long run it’s always going to be more about quality than it is quantity. Those with the gift of looks or even the gift of gab will have a much easier time meeting who they want but even those qualities lessen over time. Over the years I have seen that Pretty Hot and Tempting is not always the recipe for long term success and so my desires have evolved as I have matured as an individual.

    I say all that to say be flexible, love does not always come in the package you imagine it or even want it to be. But that does not make it any less important it just makes the package different. Sometimes you have to be open to possibilities and even then you going to still have to work hard to maintain. As the sum of our experiences, who we are when we start out can be quite different from who we are later down the line. Keep that in mind, learn to realize the shades of grey that so many of us are and invest in potential.
    Then even then it may not work out how you hope, it could be way better.

  • Nikki

    I don’t have a problem with a man who doesn’t have his own place as long as he’s actively working on his finances. He can’t be in his mama’s basement AND ballin’ outta control. Definitely not mad at a man who is living at home to save and build his money. Smart money sense is a huge turn-on for me!

  • Rodney D

    What the hell is a vajayjay and what are tatas? (rhetorical) If you do not want a man with ebonics as his only method of communication and a nickname then why are you using such pathetic, childish and insulting words for body parts. Some of your points failed with your use of those words.

  • http://www.Iamasextoyfreak.com Chinelo Califani

    Great article! You hit it out the park. The only people that will go against what you wrote,are the people who still have a slave mentality. Keep it real! C.Califani

  • BeautifullyBlessed

    she actually was making that point by using those words.. follow along here, Rodney!

  • BeautifullyBlessed

    Obviously not all sense is common. I guess you have never had a clueless man approach you. you are a lucky one, sis.

  • talaktochoba

    i guess that rules out your sleeping with an officer and a gentleman;

    doubtless Richard Gere will sleep safer than tonight;

  • D

    No she wasn’t. The vajayjay line and poon-poon were no where in the vicinity of her point about ebonics or nicknames.

    Her problems is that she sees her use of those words as harmless slang, clever sister-girl writing quips, but when others talk slang it’s an indictment of their intelligence.

    Hypocrite.

  • http://www.lovelessonslearned.com Carmin Wharton

    Our panties should stay on until we are certain the reason he approached us in the first place is to take the panties off. I declare unto you ladies, if you will just wait a while, if a man is in it for the sex, he will not hang around. Right about now, it appears that if they’ve taken you out twice and you aren’t making a move toward taking the painties off, they will stop calling. I don’t know if they have a running calculator in their heads about how much money they’ve spent on dinner, movies, etc. or what but if you don’t take the panties off, you most certainly will not get a third date!

  • talaktochoba

    now just what other reason would a man approach a woman–for the weather or time?

    he is sniffing after you for one reason only–he likes the way you smell;

    now he has to decide if he likes your smell enough to keep it around, and how much he is willing to invest to make that possible;

    and don’t tell me you’re not deciding at the same time if he’s worth a whiff;

    my father said my mother sure was, and the way they were together, i believe him–so much so, i found myself one that smelled so good i moved heaven and Earth a thousand miles to and from her house for a year til i got her to let me keep it around..and i still sniff after her forty years later;

  • Mr. Upgrade You

    Girl you need help…..You should have said the panties are saying on unless your gonna put a ring on it. The sad truth is your ex most likely did everything right but you guys are not together……….maybe it’s you maybe you need to ginuwinely get to know a guy before anything comes off. And women wonder why men dont respect them ya have no respect for yourselves you poompoom shuoldnt have such a simple checklist.

  • Niesha S

    Hello everyone,

    I usually don’t comment on my articles but I thought I should this time. This was a really fun post to write and I’m completely floored by the response that it’s gotten. I just thought I’d clear up a few things. This piece wasn’t supposed to be taken too literal, nor are these hard and fast rules. Essentially, this is a wish list. No matter if you agree with the specifics of it or not, most people have a wish list. I’m sure if you lined up every person you’ve ever dated they all aren’t going to embody every aspect of your wish list. The same goes for myself. I’ve dated guys without degrees, I’ve dated guys who use slang in their everyday language. Again, these are just general guidelines. No, I’m not going to date a man that is 35, calls himself Pookie, can’t hold a job, and doesn’t know the meaning of code switching.

    There is nothing wrong with having a set of guidelines to help you navigate the dating world. There is also nothing wrong with having standards or preferences. Everyone is all for preferences, until they aren’t the preference. I’ll be the first to say that education is important to me. So I like dating people who also put a premium on education. Of course I know that college isn’t the only avenue by which to to gain intellect but I really enjoyed my college experience and feel that I gained so much from it. I like to surround myself with people who share the same sentiment, and I won’t apologize for it.

    In general, it seems that people are really up in their feelings about this post. So I guess I’ve done my job in getting a response, haha.

  • Niesha S

    My ex was an alcoholic. But, I guess I’m supposed to put up with that too?

  • Rodney D

    You are wrong. There are many methods in the English language that a writer can use to show sarcasm and she did not indicate this clearly which leads me to believe she actually uses those words in her everyday parlance which in turn undermined her nickname/ebonics argument.

    Had she indicated correctly then there would be no confusion. I do believe she used those words sincerely alas.

    I do understand the thrust of her piece but she should beware when it comes to slang especially if she attacks someone else’s poor use of language.

  • Jeanette

    The only thing that can uncross these legs is a ring followed by a sincere “i do” with an understanding of a lifetime comitment…

    AMEN AND AMEN AGAIN! WE (WOMEN) MAKE THE RULES AND HOLD ALL THE POWER. WHETHER HER RULES ARE WEAK OR STRONG, A MAN CAN CHOOSE TO ROLL WITH IT OR NOT, THAT’S HOW IT IS.

  • Jeanette

    The only thing that can uncross these legs is a ring followed by a sincere “i do” with an understanding of a lifetime comitment…

    AMEN AND AMEN AGAIN! WE (WOMEN) HOLD THE POWER – OUR RULES…PERIOD.

  • Jeanette

    “Ladies, there is nothing wrong with standards but sometimes you need to get to know these men a little more before instantly tossing them aside because of something they said or did up front. Give them more than just one strike…..”

    Sometimes one strike is all they need…it’s a judegment call though. However, I do agree with you on the college degree requirement…sounds too shallow.

  • Jeanette

    *judgment

  • antisocialcritics

    What’s the matter? Didn’t get to go to college? I LOVE educated men because I love intellectuals who love learning for the sake of learning. Unless you are Malcolm X, very few people can get that knowledge without going to school. No power, debt, no money, no job but a mind full of knowledge? I’ll take it.

  • Lisa

    Good points but be careful ladies, you get my age and you realize these are just rules. I passed on so many great men and now in mid age, I know that all I want is a man who loves and respects me. I wish the guy I loved had money but he doesn’t. I am ok with that because no one can love me like he.

  • Frenchkiss

    “So, next week will mark my two-year anniversary of being single and boyfriend-free”.

    There will be a few years more ..

  • http://gravatar.com/wheremychickenat sharay

    I surely hope so Frenchkiss. A steady boyfriend is not practical for my life right now. Hence why I’ve remained single.

    Cheers!

  • simplyme

    I generally agree with these… but I can usually smell this type from a mile away so it rarely gets to this point.

    I will say though, that I have a friend that is pretty darn successful who lives with his parents. Smart, kind, works in engineering, just got another a promotion actually… and he’s totally single ready to mingle. He moved in after college to save money and paid off all his loans invested and saved his money, 5 years later he’s shopping around for a house, but I find it funny that someone with such hard and fast rules would probably pass him up knowing where he lived. I feel like its more about the general gestalt of a guy…

  • moemiel

    She wouldnt hv posted if she didnt want a reply…just saying

  • antisocialengineering

    Reply to antisocialcritics on page 16

    Didn’t state my educational background and I didn’t say anything derogatory about EDUCATION or educated people.

    I spoke contemptuously about those who’ve received the white man’s indoctrination, which is an entirely different animal to EDUCATION, and right on time, your one-dimensional, ‘in the box’ thinking ass shows up to illustrate my point perfectly.

    Like I said . . . . got debt, but no power, no money, no job, NO DATE and in your case no sense.

    pfft!

  • D.

    DEAD @ “lil tone tone” hahahahahahahahhaha omgosh!

  • D.

    @AnnT
    I think you missed the point L was trying to make. Biologically we ARE female. If you were to die in the autopsy they would first describe you as “[insert race here] female” and then describe the cause of your death or what have you. The word female is a generic scientific term and unlike the n-word it wasn’t created to be an insult it simply describes the biology of what we are. period. Can it be used in a derogatory fashion? yes but so can many things. The word is merely a descriptor word, one that in fact, defines what it is to be a woman! Were you not human you would STILL be female. This is fact.

  • lola289

    Good point…but I think understanding this takes maturity. Kind of like guys are into superficial things like: long hair & big butts.
    Its all subjective.

  • Jennifer

    After reading all of the comments regarding the author listing a college degree as a qualification for a mate…I’m somewhat scratching my head at how this is remotely up for discussion? While I can definitely understand how having a degree (I’m not touching on the type of degree, or the school, or post-graduate education–”just a simple” bachelor’s degree) is not the end-all-be-all of a person’s identity, do women from other races even bat an eye at the expectation that their men will be college-educated?

    Sure, some men can earn a nice living without a degree. But are they the standard, or the exception? If it’s commonplace for men, especially black men, to remain competitive professionally and financially without a degree, more power to them. But I’m doubting that is the standard. I know it’s not the standard, it’s obviously not. So why is our norm being defined by an exception?

    The other reasons provided as justifications for not obtaining a degree were more shocking than that. “Because the education brainwashes people.” Uhm…so mainstream media, religion, interpersonal relationships…basically almost every other aspect of society…doesn’t brainwash people to a certain extent? Are we now proposing to drop-out of society to avoid this? Then why are we proposing not going to college to avoid brainwashing? If anything, obtaining a degree (assuming the person 1) engages in their studies, 2) engages their brain, 3) engages their professors, and 4) engages their fellow students…and oh, 5) doesn’t just get some odd worthless degree like “kneading clay”) allows people to develop the exact critical thinking skills needed to move above and beyond the mainstream, to become part of the solution.

    It’s almost frightening to me that we are setting a lower standard for ourselves than other races, right off the bat. I cannot imagine that other races will argue that it’s not only OK for their men to *not* go to college–but then denigrate those who feel that having a college-educated mate is a standard qualification. Seriously? Sure, there will be obvious subsets of society which will not need an education (especially in certain fields), or will need specialized skills based upon a chosen occupation. But it’s almost like driving a car. Most people know how to do it, even if they don’t own a vehicle. They learned how to drive. Unless they didn’t need to learn how to drive? The learned how to drive.

    So black men don’t need to go to college. Really. Ok then. We’re going to bet on an exception to justify not betting on a standard. Ok then.

    We need to rise above this nonsense.

  • antisocialengineering

    Most people in other cultures go to college to become competent in a discipline, which equips them produce higher caliber value to society than you might get from someone who didn’t go to college. .

    Many In the BC only seem to go for the certificate.

    What value is “i want a man with a degree because I’ve got one”?

    If not – then how do so called educated blacks stack up against educated non-blacks? How do the educated black person’s post college achievements compare to the educated white person’s post college achievements, if we look at each collectively?

    Which of the two delivers more value to their *respective* communities?

    If you’re gonna beat black people over the head for not doing it like they do it in other cultures, then show us how you are superior to your peer class in non-black communities.

    Then let’s compare classes within black community for value delivery. Who delivers more value to the BC between educated blacks and non-educated blacks?

    If we analyze the issue of education in this way we find that the black community is better off without “educated” negro, in fact I for one am almost certain of it.

  • au napptural

    That comment was the truth! I get this a lot myself when I say I want an educated man. People have a whole lot of excuses. It may not be PC to say, but 9 times out of 10 when you meet a blck guy without a degree it’s not b/c he’s an entrepreneur, Bill Gates type who bucked the system successfully. Nope, these guys and women on here are protesting too much. It’s every person’s right to have their own preference. Don’t be mad if you don’t meet it. Either go to the next one or change. But don’t whine.

  • http://CraigEisele.wordpress.com/ Mr. Craig

    I wonder if men today know how lucky they are.. in many ways. There is more opportunity today than when I was younger. I am a child of the 60′s. I grew up outside of South Philadelphia where people moved to those suburbs to get away from the rif raf to only learn that they were the rif raf… WE were never supposed to go to college. We were expected to go into the military, Work at the ship yard, work at an Oil Refinery or at that time work at Scott Paper factory. The only way I received an education was because of an industrial accident that caused me significant physical disability to be able to get some money and go to college.. and when I did I was 10 years late but ready!! I ended up going to all Ivy League schools which was unheard of where I grew up. Yale, Penn, The Wharton School of Finance (through PhD studies). I found that experience to be so rewarding but in another way more so.. I found acceptance in the type of women I wanted to be around. International Indian, Asian, Latina and Black. NONE of these kinds of women were from where I grew up .. we were ALL white.

    For nearly 40 years I have been attracted to, dated and married non-Caucasian women. and I paid a high price for it when I was younger. I had 5 daughters ~ ALL mixed. yet they will be the first to tell you it was never “IF you go to college….” it was “WHEN you go to college….” I never dumbed down my language to them. In fact often I would use words they did not know to challenge them to learn more… and while they hated me for it and my over explanations about subjects and topics and even explaining a calculus problem by starting with addition and subtraction they all learned.. and now for better or for worse… they have HIGH standards for the perspective mates in their life. I do not care what their sexuality is. I do not care what political party (although I beg them NOT to be a Republican like me as my party truly has become the party of stupid) . I traveled to 72 countries (some with my daughters) and shared the experiences I had abroad with them. I shared with them that the most beautiful woman I ever met in this world was from Botswana and was the complexion of glistening coal and stood 6’2” in bare feet. I speak a few words in 9 languages and they UNDERSTAND at least those words and more …. including my last one (22 yrs old) who is autistic…. and have 2 daughters that have become fluent in at least one additional language. I am proud of my children. AND I have been a single dad for 10 years now.

    The point of all that above was that I have tried my utmost to teach by example and to encourage my daughters to aspire to more than what is easily available. To concentrate on their education and careers and to socialize regularly so they can see they available choices. If that means a healthy sex life, it is their choice, not mine. But they need to know that whatever choices they make in everything they do have consequences (both good and bad) there are opportunity costs, and there is being inflexible to the point that they will never find anyone to share their lives with. They will make mistakes.. and THAT is life …. but they can also learn from those mistakes.

    I let them know that my life has not been perfect either. That I was unable to find my preference for the kind of women I was attracted to UNTIL I went and obtained the education I did. people back than were very divided and the more they lacked education the worse the biases and prejudices were. It was through those institutions of higher education that I came to appreciate women for more than their looks but also for their brains and personalities. And I have tried to instill those same qualities in my children as well.

    With education it no longer became an issue of insecurities and emotional arguments… it became a shared experience with more mutual understanding of one another and a mutual appreciation for the intelligence and reasoning of each other.

    There are men who have not had the education who meet these qualities I want my daughters to find in a mate.. but they are not abundant in society today, and while I encourage my daughters to chose from the best and the brightest I also have told them that it is not a requirement .. HOWEVER, I do have one unbreakable requirement: they cannot bring a male into my house unless he has a handkerchief in his pocket… I told my daughters there is 2 reasons for this. FIRST and foremost as my father taught me a handkerchief is a calling card of a gentleman. But second and equally important for my daughters is that boys always make girls cry, be it from happiness or sadness he will be a reason to cry and if he respects my daughters he will have that handkerchief in his pocket for her tears and to help blot them away. (yes I said blot as I presume they will be wearing makeup and will blot rather than wipe) (I am very well house broken ladies… LOL…) Yes the “boys” show up and wave the handkerchief like a movie ticket.. but only those that are real in their qualities will carry that handkerchief even when not coming to my home.. and as such most just fall by the wayside or my daughters just decide that they are too phony to be in the running anymore.

    I do not date anymore as I live in an area that is not so accepting of white men and black women…..and I do miss the passion and intensity of a black woman in my life. I often refer to the W.E.B Du Bois Poem “The Damnation of Women” to prove my point that Black women have a formidable indomitable spirit that most other women just do not have. AS a result I have chosen to be a daddy, as that calling takes priority in my life for now.

    I recently began to receive a medicaid paid worker to help a few hours a day with my autistic daughter as I am now very tired and not having any help in the process. She laughs at me.. even today Juneteenth She did not know what it was (yes I do) .. and I explained it to her.. and she has told me again today, as she has many times in the past, that I am not white.. that I have to be mixed or black…. but I am not like any white man she has ever met… truth is I am flattered… but than again I was given an extraordinarily opportunity in being well educated late in life and learned to appreciate all women from all countries and ethnic, cultural religious and racial backgrounds and find that stereotypes do not fit when I interact in various socioeconomic groups and communities…

    I was blessed, and extremely fortunate.. and today in most metropolitan areas there is a greater ease in crossing boundaries of all kinds.. but I just cannot understand why so many men today CHOSE to be ignorant. Not as much refusing an education (but yes that as well) but chose to be less overall and then thinking that they should attract those of you ladies who are educated and intelligent and no longer settle for less than you deserve.

    The women who are the most desirable are those that demand that a man seduces her mind before trying to explore the rest of the body. Your body~YOUR RULES. Set your bar high and you will find someone who at least approaches your ideal …. and in reality no one will ever be 100%.. but you can come close in choosing the ones that works your mind and body.

    I must end by apologizing as I seem to always write more than I should but I hope it was worth reading.. I wish each and every one of you a happy life and a healthy happy and fulfilling sex life with the man you chose when you chose him.

    Mr. Craig

  • Ash

    Thank You! It just seems like people automatically put their noses down at black women that say they want a black man who went to college. It feels like, “Black women, why are you being picky? You’re lucky to take whatever you can get”. Is it just me?

    For me, it’s not a money thing. Is it so bad not want to be with someone who can relate? I’ve spent most of my twenties completing undergrad and law school, is it so radical to want someone who can relate to that?

    I’ve heard all the stats. I can’t speak for all y’all but where I’m from, there are PLENTY of educated black men that are single. I would never date them just because they went to school but having a common bond helps.

    Also, many of the men I know that didn’t go to college have babymamas drama and or live at home. Am I supposed to date them? Why does society get mad at me for not wanting to date Lil RayRay?!! lol

  • Angelique212

    @antisocialengineering – If you knew the answers to your own questions, you wouldn’t be using those questions to make your point.

    “If you remove all of the educated negroes in the U.S. off the planet, what state would the black community be in? Now remove all of the ‘un-educated’ negroes…” … right.

    When you are in a bubble, you don’t know what occurs outside of it… that is a problem with the understanding of “class” within the black community from bottom – up, as class determines not only your personal trajectory, but the trajectory of your descendants. Wealth does not truly allow one to traverse class lines as a Black person in America (the habits of the class will not change with an influx of money), education does.

    To argue that education is useless to the black community and is “doing it like they do it in other cultures”, is to not know what education is (all education is not created equal which is likely the issue with which you are struggling). It is very sad that because of decisions you chose to make in your educational journey, you are now taking it upon yourself to dissuade others from learning. Please rethink that strategy. Education is freedom.

    Your statement is heartbreaking.

  • http://loveisapromise.wordpress.com/ Jeff

    Niesha, you can try checking whether the fellow is willing and capable of loving you. Let me explain.

    The most common source of problems in relationships is that the couple misinterpreted their mutual feelings of attraction as love. This normally results in the couple trying to keep up appearances after the attraction fades, and wondering where the love went.

    It is important to know that attraction is an emotional feeling that fades over time, while love is a promise that has nothing to do with attraction. Love is a promise to do 4 things. For the man:

    1. To accept everything that he knows and does not know about you before you are married.
    2. To accept you regardless of what happens in the unknown future as you both age – for better or worse, richer or poorer, sickness or health for as long as you both shall live. Even if you are disfigured by an accident or crippled by illness, he promises to accept you.
    3. To forgive you later. Since neither of you is perfect, you both depend on each others’ forgiveness.
    4. To encourage you to improve. This 4th one gives purpose to your relationship – otherwise it will get boring.

    If you are both ready to make and keep these promises to each-other, then you are ready to love. When you keep them, you demonstrate your love for each-other. After you formally make your promises at your wedding, you complete or consummate these promises with sexual intercourse. Every time that you subsequently have sexual intercourse, you reinforce your promises – it is truly a wonderful and mutually satisfying physical, mental and emotional experience.

    If you have sexual intercourse before making your promises, he shows you that he is capable of justifying forsaking you for a younger, shapelier rival when you get older. If he is able to restrain himself when his attraction for you is at its highest, then he shows you that he is capable of resisting the rival that will inevitably come.

    Niesha, let him prove to you and himself that he is both willing and capable of keeping his promises to you.

    Best regards.

  • Stanley

    Can’t get enough of this.

  • imadime

    yuck. ironic that someone with no time for a man who doesn’t use his “government name” refers to her own body parts with terms like vajayjay and tatas.
    just, yuck.

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