Panties My panties are staying on if …

So, next week will mark my two-year anniversary of being single and boyfriend-free. Initially I was thrilled to not be attached at the hip to my insecure and possessive lush of an ex-boyfriend. Oh what a joy it was — being free again and able to do what I wanted without having to “check in” or coordinate around my boo thangs schedule. But lately, I’ve been feeling that relationship itch and have decided to dip my toe back in the dating world once more.

The problem is my results have been less than stellar thus far. It seems that the men who approach me find someway to eliminate themselves from the running before we even start. Take one fellow that hit me up on an online dating site recently. At first, his approach was respectable, funny, and intriguing. But a few message exchanges in, he began to insult my tattoos and their placements. After I went ghost, he apologized, but the damage was done. Any initial interest was thrown out the window, and while I did humor him with a few more messages, my panties were definitely staying on.

This is not a rare occurrence, as I’ve had plenty of girl talk sessions where friends have shared instances of men practically talking themselves out of any possibility of the poon-poon. This got me to thinking about all of the instances where men who once had a shot, were suddenly sent packing. Here is a short list of some of the possible reasons why my panties might be staying on. If you don’t want to be sent home with a case of the blue balls, take note fellas.

You are a grown man who still answer to childhood nicknames.
Guys, if you are of age and still go by Jr-DON’T. I simply can’t take a man seriously who calls himself anything other than his god given name on the regular. If you tell me your name is J-Moneyee, Pookie, Scooter, or Shadow, my panties are staying on. Wanna be taken seriously? Hit me with your government name.

You live at home with your mom-or worse, your ex girlfriend
Unless you are taking care of a sick relative or have a darn good excuse for not being on your own, don’t step to me if you don’t have keys to your own place.Look, we’re not in college anymore and I don’t want to have to duck and dodge questions from your meddling mom. Nor am I interested in wondering if you and your baby mama are still getting it in when I’m not around.

Ebonics is your first, second, and only language
“Ay, shawty, wuz gud wit chu?” Facepalm. As women, we fall for you with our ears. There is nothing less appealing than a man who can’t string together a complete sentence. Knowledge is power. Get yourself some.

You insult my body
A friend once told me a story about getting intimate with a man-friend. She decided to go to the restroom to do…whatever it is she may have needed to do in private. Old boy thought it would be in his best interest to say, “ Yeah, you gon go clean it out for me huh?” Too bad for him that he had to leave after that. Fellas, I must ask, where they do that at? A vajayjay is not a garbage disposal that needs cleaning out, so don’t refer to it as such. Also, since we are on the subject, don’t nitpick at my body parts. No one cares that you prefer smaller tatas. If the grass is so much greener, don’t let the door hit you…

You are too pushy and don’t respect boundaries
My body, my rules.Period.

You act too eager for the goodies
If I mention to a guy that I am a writer and he doesn’t ask me any follow-up questions pertaining to my art, the panties are staying on. This isn’t Craigslist casual encounters buddy! At least pretend to give a damn, before you attempt to get the booty.

You refer to women as females or bitches
I don’t know why this chafes me, oh wait, maybe because I’m a woman, not a dog? Leave the derogatory name calling for the locker room. If you don’t have the good sense to not call me out of my name in front of me, in what other ways will you disrespect me?

You are unemployed
Why are you trying to date if your pockets are light? Don’t you know how expensive we are? I kid, I kid … kind of. Expecting a man who is interested in me to have some financial muscle isn’t about being a gold digger. It’s about being a smart human being. I have my own, so why shouldn’t all potential suitors be in equally good standing? Perhaps instead of trying to get with me, you should worry about getting your grown man on? My daddy didn’t raise no fool. You have to have a j-o-b (and preferably a B.A. degree) to ride this ride.

Ladies, what are some other reasons the panties might be staying on?

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143 Comments

  1. imadime

    yuck. ironic that someone with no time for a man who doesn’t use his “government name” refers to her own body parts with terms like vajayjay and tatas.
    just, yuck.

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