ManLove. Eternal and pure. Obtained by some, elusive to others. But who knew a desperate poetic soul existed in the heart of the single black man, sitting along amongst the 15 or so of his pet cats and collection of knitting needles wondering where-oh-where is a woman to make my sandwiches?

According to a new poll out by NPR, this is the reality, not the common narrative of the lonely, beleaguered black woman, but of black men who want a commitment more than their female counterparts.

What’s up with that?

So says the poll:

Just one-third (34%) of these young-to-middle-aged singles say they are currently seeking a long-term committed romantic relationship, while just one in ten (10%) say they are already in one. Men are more likely to say they are looking for a committed relationship (43%) than are women (25%). Nearly all of those seeking such a relationship want to get married someday (98%).

Commitment. Isn’t that a dirty word?

So somewhere, out there, beneath the pale moonlight wanders 43 percent of black men between the ages of 18 and 49 (!) posting MSW ads on Craigslist from their iPhones while wondering why Cupid won’t hit him with his arrow.

CALL ME A NON-BELIEVER … but I think there’s more to this than meets the eye.

First of all, 18 to 49 is a really large swath of people. I don’t know about you, but I don’t know a lot of people near 50 who can relate to someone barely out of high school, let alone share their dating aspirations. Heck, most 25, 30, 35, 40, 45 and older can’t relate to the lovelorn elder teens of this world. So, I find this measure much, much too broad. What did men 18 to 24 say versus what men 25 to 30 said versus what men 31 and up said? Because I find it hard to believe they’re all up wondering where they can find “true love.”

Second, define “commitment.” Commitment does not necessarily equal “marriage,” which is what I know many of my friends, including myself, say they eventually want. Sure, I have no doubt that there are a-many man who thinks life would be easier if the rent could be split, if sex was easy and plentiful, if sandwiches were made and always abundant while still having that escape clause because nobody has any papers on each other.

Third, not a shocker that some women aren’t looking for commitment if they’ve been in this dating environment for longer than five minutes and live in a major, metropolitan area on either coast. Or even if they’re in the wilds of the Midwest or South. The economy is bad. It’s every man, woman and infant for themselves. Love might be on the backburner whether you’re in school, advancing in your career or just trying to make this rent. Sometimes you just don’t have time and you have no desire to make time for dating.

Still though, NPR says only 25 percent out of 18-49 of black women are looking for a “committed relationship?” Again, define commitment. Is it shacking up? Is it marriage? Is it serial monogamy? I need more details! And I’ve read the survey. It’s full of some interesting factoids – from how many African Americans are positive about their own individual futures, are worried about health care and about half feel good about their finances while the other half is scratchin’ and survivin’. But I wanted more details, or at least for the poll to have asked much more pointed questions. Myself and others said as much when we were on Michel Martin’s show, “Tell Me More” on NPR, discussing the poll. You can listen here, but we had more questions than the poll had answers.

It’s not that I don’t believe there are a lot of black men looking for love. I’m pretty sure there are plenty since all my homegirls from high school, back in St. Louis, are pretty much married with children and I’m the one, the one who moved away and travels from pillar to post, is still single. But even I, a Midwestern gal, was married for all of five minutes in my 20s. I’m not who more alarmist surveys scream about when they make every black woman sound desperate. But this does touch on the reality that when people say 40, 50, 60, 100 percent of black women between the ages of 16 and 90 have never been married (or whatever hoary, alarmist stat is available), they forget that an equal number of black men have also never been hitched. Yet there is no lament for them. No stigma. No long whine and pine. No series of exposes in the Washington Post or New York Times or Time Magazine or Essence or Ebony. There are no shocking headlines about brothers, desperately searching for their “Michelle” as they fashion themselves the next “Barack.”

THERE’S NONE OF THAT. So, despite me finding the poll somewhat suspicious, I appreciate it for being a counter-narrative to one that has been beaten into the ground.

According to NPR, black men want love but can’t find it. Won’t you, oh you, footloose and fancy free black woman, stop your running around and give a poor, cat-owning brother a chance before his sperm goes bad? WON’T YOU?

 

  • Yvette

    “Nearly all of those seeking such a relationship want to get married someday (98%).”

    Doesn’t this answer the marriage part of the question? Or did I miss something?

  • Treece

    Lol, good article. I read about this survey on another site and I thought the same thing about the statistics. 18-49 is a huge developmental gap when you’re talking commitment in relationships. if you broke the age groups down I’m sure you’d find very.different results concerning who wants a “long term” relationship (whatever that means to the researchers). It would probably be more of men over 30, even if it is just for a live in sandwich maker.

  • CURLYSUE

    Exactly, lets also consider black woman out number our men in the workforce and in education, meaning many are focused on personal advancement BEFORE marriage. Unfortunately this includes many single parent homes, but it doesnt change facts and should be considered as a factor.

  • john from silver spring

    Youre right. there is no article detailing the plight of Black men…anywhere. on any subject. ever. because…? Nobody cares. If a Black man wrote it, it’d be dismissed as whining or misogynistic somehow. If a Black woman wrote it, it’d be dismissed as coddling or sentimental. Theres no audience for it. *shrug*

  • F78

    I’m calling bullshit on this one. For all the reasons Belton listed, and well, frankly from personal experience. If I had 4-6 kids (from any number of women), a cacophony of angry baby mamas, remained chronically underemployed and was tired of paying my own bills and putting gas in my own car, monogamy would be looking pretty good to me too. Unfortunately, that’s only half the picture I face. Many of the self supporting “good men” that I meet currently that are talking right are frankly too old to be enjoyable partners to me. We don’t have the same interests, and I find myself wondering why they won’t date partners closer to them in age and life situation.

    On average, I’m being approached by men that are 8 to 10 years older than I am. They’re obviously shopping with their eyes, but when I take them out on the town and run the streets for just ONE night, they run home crying, Many are also hard pressed to keep up a conversation with me concerning the contemporary attitudes, viewpoints, and concerns I hold when it comes to world affairs, politics, arts, literature and the like. Many are unable or unwilling to peacefully spend any time with me in the presence of my LGBT friends of all stripes-even in public situations.

    I, on the other hand, am less than enthusiastic about raising other people’s kids other than my own. I’m crazily possessed of the notion that each person should have something to offer the other in a relationship. Besides money, I really don’t see what men with that much responsibility could have to give me. I have a father (who is married to my mother), so I’m not possessed of too many daddy issues. I’m also actively persuing a rigorous exercise routine, and lead an extremely active lifestyle. Many just tire out after running with me for about a week.

    I find men in my own age group to be looking all right, but many are looking for their Cinderella, too. And the baggage is still an issue overall. If I want to have children and we’re the same age, you know you don’t want/can’t handle/aren’t interested in having any more than you already do, why be angry when I walk away?

    I’m wondering who these men NPR were surveying were located? There’s more to this story than meets the eye.

  • http:tontonmichel.tumblr.com Tonton Michel

    Is it that hard to believe? Or perhaps those men out there have a very specific idea of who they want to marry and can not find her, or she is unwilling.

  • Ask_ME

    “If I had 4-6 kids (from any number of women), a cacophony of angry baby mamas, remained chronically underemployed and was tired of paying my own bills and putting gas in my own car, monogamy would be looking pretty good to me too.”

    I just about died when I read this because it does seem true. Folks that fit this description don’t just desire monogamy after f-ing up their lives, they desire someone who does NOT share their baggage….as if some single childless black woman is going to jump at the opportunity to tolerate this mess.

    I honestly believe black sociologist need to take a closer look at the out of wedlock birthrate as it relates to lack of black marriage. I believe there is a direct connection there.

  • Smilez_920

    1) now see the attitude most have taken with this article, how it was dissected , questioned etc… If we do the same with all the ” single lonely black women” articles , the world would be a much better place.

    2) you want to know why single men don’t get the same coverage as single black women. Because they don’t buy in the BS. The reason all those articles , bs relationship coaches etc exist is because We women buy into the foolishness. You can want love with running around like a chicken with your chopped off just because you don’t have it yet.

    3) I believe their are a good amount of men and women who want long term commitment and marriage. I also believe that a lot of people make bad dating choices over and over and thinks the world owes them a partner because of it . You can’t date jerks ( male and females) all throughout your 20′s and ten think because finally at 31 you ” get it” that’s someone’s going to be sitting their right away. It takes time.

  • Cocochanel31

    MOST men are not looking for committment, it just finds them.
    I refuse to belive otherwise
    Especially in northern citites where those down home traditions/values are pretty non existent

  • Smilez_920

    Completely agree. The story isn’t being told on both sides . All those things you said about single black men can be said about single black women ( probably already being said).

    These studies are very broad so don’t dont included both sides of the story from men and women. And when they do decide to be detailed , they pick the most exterme negative points of view .

    They also don’t talk about the almost 70 percent of blk children born out of wedlock which could say why so many blk men and women are single. Just like you dot want to deal with a man with 2 baby mama dudes with no kids aren’t excited to deal with women who have 2 kids or more and different dads

  • http://gravatar.com/loverloverlovertalia kiki80

    You hit bullseye. I think most black men want to marry when they have the most to gain financially.

  • Marisa

    Ah yeah right long term my ass, more light if I say “long term” that will continue to drag out actually getting married. As we know for many dudes in our community their attitudes about ”MARRIAGE” is equal to the “PLAGUE” must avoid at all cost, meanwhile carrying a cavalier attitude about fatherhood, and who they reproduce with is not given that same thought. Who NPR wrote this for are they trying to snow sistas or something because I don’t buy this poll for a second. A lot of unmarried black women/moms have fallen for this “long term commitment” and spend years still not married. Women better do a better job of openly defining to the men in their lives what the hell they want, and sticking to it and stop waiting for him to change his mind, he wont. Learn to let guys like that go find dating options who want marriage and stop wasting your lives on those who don’t.

  • Brad

    I think it could be looked at from another view point.

    “African-American women appear to have more security than men, and so women [might] see less men who bring financial security to the table,” said Harvard University professor of public health Robert Blendon, a co-director of the study.”

    The point I take is that, there isn’t a huge amount of black woman out there desperate to be partnered up long term and or married.

  • MimiLuvs

    @Ask_Me:

    “…I honestly believe black sociologist need to take a closer look at the out of wedlock birthrate as it relates to lack of black marriage. I believe there is a direct connection there…”

    A few weeks ago, on another Clutch post, I had written a comment about this topic as well.
    When it comes to infamous “70%” statistic, I wonder was there a breakdown of that seventy percent. I wonder how many mothers were single-parents (no father in the picture)? How many mothers are in relationships (with their children’s fathers) but is not legally married to them? How many mothers are lesbians and in realtionships with other women? How many mothers have children that were results of sexual assaults?
    I know that a lot of blogs like to focus on the black women that are mothers to multiple children that were sired by multiple men. But, I think it is as common as one would think.
    I know a lot more non-married (common-law) relationships than I know the other one.

  • AnnT

    “A new survey from NPR, the Robert Wood Johnson Foundation, and the Harvard School of Public Health..”

    I’m pretty sure the caliber of men being interviewed contributes to the overall feedback.
    I won’t say that it’s inaccurate, but slanted toward a particular group of Black men.

  • MimiLuvs

    @Marisa

    “…we know for many dudes in our community their attitudes about ”MARRIAGE” is equal to the “PLAGUE” must avoid at all cost, meanwhile carrying a cavalier attitude about fatherhood, and who they reproduce with is not given that same thought…”

    I find this mindset to be… interesting.
    I find it interesting because there are people (both men and women)who do not consider raising children as a ‘life-long, financial commitment’.

  • MimiLuvs

    @F78

    “…On average, I’m being approached by men that are 8 to 10 years older than I am…”

    Ditto.
    In my case, the men are usually 20-30 YEARS older than me.
    Since I was in my pre-teens (unfortunately), I always “caught the eye” of men who were old enough to be my father… and sometimes, my grandfather.
    I was told by ex step-dad that older men are probably attracted to me because I was more interested in things that weren’t “in my age bracket”.
    With the exception of my former fiancee, I was the initiator when it came to making contact.

  • Dave

    Having children out of wedlock isn’t a problem. Having children with someone you don;t want to have children with and then not taking care of those children…that’s a problem. If you think marriage is going to fix that problem then you have an elementary concept of what marriage is.

  • Nic

    Love your post…and have definitely been approached by older black men (only approached my men my own age who are non-black). Like you, I have a dad, he’s married to my mom, we have a good relationship, so I’m not looking for another and would shudder at the thought of stepkids who are close to my age or an old man who is just coming from a different place in ALL of the ways you’ve mentioned.
    I also think older men expect to be able to control younger women a bit more even though I think that for black men, older men aren’t offering the “financial incentives” that cause white and Asian women to marry old men.
    I just couldn’t go there with someone who reminded me of my dad or uncles.

    And I do think a lot of the men who say they are ready for committment don’t have anything going for them that makes them good partners. The ones who have what you have want to play the field for as long as possible.

  • Nic

    It wasn’t broken out by race but there was a NY Times article a few months ago that discussed this issue. Basically, b/c young women are in the workplace and self-supporting, whether working class, middle class, or upper-middle class (and I’ve observed women from all socioeconomic classes do this), many are opting not to marry partners who have nothing to offer if they find themselves pregnant.

    So some women might date a man who is basically a loser as a Mr. Right Now but that they would never consider for marriage b/c he isn’t financially stable or employed, and when they find themselves unexpected pregnant, if they are able or desire it, they will keep the baby and ditch the man, since he would not be more than another mouth to feed. I’ve had friends who were casually dating people (and these are high earning women) who said, at this age, if I get pregnant, I’d keep the baby even if I don’t want to keep the man.

    Yeah, I think a LOT of men who have nothing want to approach women who have a lot and hope to ride the gravy train but I think that whether you are white, black, Asian, etc., you just don’t need to deal with a boy in a man’s body.

    Personally, I think you shouldn’t use them even to warm your bed b/c of the risk of an unplanned pregnancy but I think these men who supposedly want monogamy but cannot get it aren’t very appealing partners.

  • Nic

    Aren’t divorcees included in the number too? The way you became a single mother matters if we want to try to understand what it means.
    There are plenty, probably too many, who were never married/never committed to their partners, but there are many stories wrapped up in that statistic.

  • http://gravatar.com/solfresh solfresh

    My first thought upon reading the title…was LIES. Then I thought about it again and you’re right, the age group is too broad and NPR didn’t define commitment. This study is one big black hole with thousands of directions it could go in.

    However, with more thinking and drawing from personal experience, this poll may be flawed but it’s not far from the target. I had recently found out from a friend that he liked me more than he let on in the past and that he was looking for a serious relationship. I guess I was a prime candidate since we’ve been friends for a number of years. As of now, I had to walk away from our “exploring” since he then later shared he was confused about who he really liked. I felt like he was being manipulative, and selfish.

    So I think with my story and this poll, there may be more single men out there who want to commit than we think but they’re not knitting with their cats. They’re your everyday black men more or less. They also may be sleeping their way through girls to find a girlfriend instead of um actually committing as in working and developing with one girl. Of course there are many scenarios that can exist within this study. NPR probably would benefit from a qualitative study to find out what kind of commitment black men are looking for in each age group, how they’re looking for their potential partners in each age group (exclusive dating, casual sex, no sex, casual dating, digging up old relationships forging new ones), and what challenges are they facing (fear, money, lack of options, unrequited love, location).

    This clutch article and the poll (though indirectly) is slightly spinning this study as if black men are now the “woe is me” victims. That’s why it’d be more telling to know what’s keeping them from making the jump.

    Believe me I was shocked when my friend disclosed his true desires about me and his wants. I was even more shocked when he later expressed he was confused and thus needed to see other women to figure it out. There’s a difference between wanting something and making deliberate moves to get it. I don’t dabble in the shade and confusion. Let me know when your certain then we can talk business. This study is interesting, it would benefit if someone did a little more in depth research.

  • stef

    can we please state facts and not myths.

    Black men on average still earn more than black women Fact!!

    Only 20% of ALL black women have college degrees that would mean 80% dont!!

  • Job

    Nearly all of those seeking such a relationship want to get married someday (98%).

    So that means of the men polled, virtually all who want a long term relationship (45%) want marriage. In my experience many women waste WAY too much time on the other 55% who aren’t interested in being married. Then they want to group all men into the same category.
    What’s funny is that most of my friends are married. We all have jobs and went to college. I’m one of the last single ones, and I’m definitely searching hard. I want to be married before 30, but if not there’s no need to panic.

  • dbsm

    @dave: exactly. but aint nobody tryna hear that on here…lol

  • Blue

    They do? Well where are these guys because I have ran into any of those types…at least those who are serious.

  • Martin

    That’s true

  • Pepper

    This headline is such a joke. Get serious!! If that was true a lot more women would be in committed relationships, or a relationship (period). 8 out of 10 of the women I know can’t even find someone to date; much less someone who wants to commit. It’s sad but unfortunately true

  • Marketing Gimmicks

    The guy in the photo is ca-yute!

  • Martin

    That’s because they’re looking for a young average to attractive. black woman who is friendly, not overweight, feminine who’s not a baby mama with a decent job. Young black women who meet those minimum standards don’t have a problem meeting black men who are looking for a serious relationship.

  • http://gravatar.com/anon4cec gryph

    lol. now the sharp statistical analysis comes out. where was all of this skepticism when during the public humiliation that was ‘the most black woman will never be married’ crisis?

  • Pepper

    Job: Did most of your married friends meet their mates when they were in college?

  • Pepper

    Dave: We can agree to disagree on this one. Having children out of wedlock IS definitely a problem in my book. Whether we want to admit it, or not….(not all) but a lot of women that have children out of wedlock are on public assistance. And in a lot of instances the having babies out of wedlock is passed from generation to generation. And I don’t know about you, but I am tired of working everyday, and my tax dollars going to take care of welfare queens. For those that this shoe doesn’t fit then this isn’t directed toward you.

  • victoria

    Unfortunately, I know too many single, childless, financial stable black women all too willing to mess with the black man with multiple kids, multiple baby mamas, no or low paying job, no assets having deadbeat. And like Nic stated, some end up pregnant by these train wrecks. Im sorry, I think black men have it easy in this case. They can be doggish throughout their 20s and 30s and find a decent, caring women in theiir 40s and 50s who will marry them with the quickness.

  • Job

    Yes. They didn’t get married right away of course. They worked for a few years, saved up some money and then got married. I went to a geek engineering school. So there were very few girls around me, let alone black ones. But the ones who studied business or medicine met girls either in school or shortly after graduation. (So many hot and intelligent black girls are in those fields, lots of African ones too.) I really believe the 20′s is the best time to meet someone. You get to take your time to know a person before making a decision.

    sidenote: For guys with good jobs and trying to advance their career its considered embarrassing to have children out of wedlock.

  • http://gravatar.com/kreativeyoungmillionare kreativeYoungmillionare

    All, I have to say is that the author of this article need to travel a little bit more. In reference to metropolitan areas in the United States… you are totally off. And, next you need to do your research. I live in Houston, Texas and we are the 4th largest METROPOLITAN CITY IN THE UNITED STATES! Not to mention, yo’ folk from up east if flocking to the SOUTH in droves. Do your research next time when trying to make a mockery of the south and midwest. How could you not even recognize that Chicago is a metropolitan city. Just all kinds of wrong… Honey you better get a map if you want a man!

  • Pepper

    Generally speaking men are more committed in Southern states. They are more gentlemenly, and value family a lot more than men from other parts of the country.

  • victoria

    @Job, I tell women that all the time. Men who are career minded and who are after advancement must present stability. This means no out of wedlock kids.

  • Pat

    Speaking of commitment from the marriage standpoint, I do think this Poll is somewhat flawed. Now I could agree with this study if it related to more men desiring a commitment than what we “believe”.

    But I cannot believe this study is true in comparison to men desiring commitment (marriage) more so than women.

    Shoot, if a woman meets a decent man – and she is “really” into him – most of us are ready to handcuff him to the dinner table (carving the Thanksgiving turkey).

    As for a man, they could meet the woman of their dreams and still hesitate. He’ll do enough to make sure she doesn’t leave, but may not completely commit. Also, nowadays, a lot of men realize they don’t have to commit b/c some women will accept the circumstances as is just to have a little something. Women, if not mindful, can make it easier for a man NOT to commit.

    On the other hand, it could be some truth to this POLL – if a man is equipped (mentally, stable lifestyle, has a home & career) to commit is on his list. He’s just waiting to find the right fit. I cannot deny that I have heard men say they are ready for a commitment, but just can’t find the right woman. The poll makes sense somewhat – but just not in comparison to a woman and their desire for a committed relationship.

  • GG

    Exactly! It’s no secret American black men want long term relationships and that does not equal marriage. They want things on their own timeline so he may or may not marry you. What woman wants to take a chance on that. So, I don’t blame these women for going after financial security because you never know what will happen.

  • LemonNLime

    I’m with Pepper on this one. Having children out of wedlock is a NO GO 100% in my book. Children out of wedlock mean the following to me:

    1. You don’t take responsibility for your personal health since you aren’t willing to wrap it up to avoid STDs or pregnancy.

    2. You don’t take responsibility for your financial health. If you did, you would have wrapped it up because now this woman is going to be in your pocket for the next 18 years.

    3. If we were ever to marry wealth would be leaving our house and family to provide for this kid and it’s mama. I am not having some woman with her foot in my house financially taking away from my kids because you were to lazy or stupid to wrap it up.

    4. You don’t think long-term and are more concerned with instance gratification.

    To me, men with kids are burdens and I want none of it nor do I want to marry into any of it.

  • Z

    but black men tell us that they are not at a loss for attention from women, of whatever race, so why would such an article need to be written?

  • lol

    so how do they look at it?

  • http://gravatar.com/loverloverlovertalia kiki80

    You make some good points. However in my opinion men of other races do not emphasize looks as much when marrying. I find that black men of even modest means demand physical looks well beyond what they can attract.

  • D

    Was about to type something similar. These chick’s become a Columbo/Matlock hybrid if a statistic works against them…but let the stats have gone the other way, where more women wanted a commitment than a man, and this whole article would have been different about all the trifling males out there…LOL….

    Now that evidence is showing that more women nowadays are about hitting it and quitting it, no one wants to hear it.

    Not surprising. Just funny.

  • lol

    I agree with Pepper and everything LnL said . I don’t want any links to any exes, and having another woman in my husband’s pocket is a big no.

  • Z

    actually they are not looking for average. the younger Halle Berry.

  • Z

    this!

    other races of men are more realistic.

  • dbsm

    ” I find that black men of even modest means demand physical looks well beyond what they can attract.”

    yes, girl, yes. even the negro with the belly, receding hairline, and dusty, crusty feet want a dimepiece. but women are supposed to lower their standards. bah!

    fyi-white women say the same thing, too (about white men).

  • dbsm

    “Now that evidence is showing that more women nowadays are about hitting it and quitting it, no one wants to hear it.”

    where did you find that evidence?

  • http://gravatar.com/rastaman1967 rastaman

    I am going to guesstimate the truth lies somewhere in the middle and my evidence is purely anecdotal. I did not have a serious committed relationship until I was nearly 30 because I did spend my 20s getting an education, starting a career and getting to know who the hell I was….it was fun for the most part and I had no regrets, no kids and a lot of insight into who the hell I was and what the hell I want. My first serious relationship spoiled me, it was so good I was unwilling accept anything less even in the slightest. I since evolved and it took a few other relationships for me to find the person with whom I could see a future. A majority of the friends I had who got married early in life are either divorced, estranged or living a poor excuse for a relationship. I cannot say I miss that and while there is no guarantee that I will have a happily ever after I do know that who I am in this relationship will be the genuine me.

    I say all of that because whatever conclusion one may draw from the survey’s conclusion about black men and commitment it is not about a Us vs. Them, it about individuals and how they go about building and maintaining those relationships There are many women who think of themselves as being naturally commitment inclined who have no clue about having a successful relationships and the same truth may apply to the men represented in the survey. It’s one thing to want a long term commitment, however you may see that and then having the skills to maintain such a long term commitment is another story all together.

    One of the many things I came to learn is that I had to be willing to put in the work on my relationship and open myself up if I wanted it to work. Not a lot of folks know that or practice that….I read some of the comments apparently from women and I cannot do much more than laugh because I get the youthful arrogance and I understand how some of you may think you are the shit and I hope many of you get everything you think you can get out here. But the truth is when it comes to relationships men are going to be favored in the long run. I see so many of my female peers asking me if I know any good men or who thought they were always going to be the belle of the ball who are just hoping to get invited to a ball. It is probably not fair and yes I can probably find a woman 10 years my junior to get into something with but no one promised that life would be fair.

    Don’t get me wrong relationships: marriage or other long term commitments are not for everyone, some of us male and female are just not equipped to do that. But find that out for yourself; don’t let anyone else determine that for you are advise you against knowing. Its gets harder as you get older as many of the people you encounter will bring baggage emotional and otherwise. If you going to connect you are going to have be willing and able to deal.

  • http://twitter.com/Datboykenan Kenan (@Datboykenan)

    I’m actually not surprised by this at all. Most of my male friends long for long term relationships way more than the women I know…Don’t know why but they do lol

  • Misty-Mac

    And I get hit on by men anywhere from 10 to 23 years younger than I am. I wonder what they see in an admittedly very attractive, but OLDER woman like myself. Are they seeking to eventually become beneficiaries of my retirement savings? (My daughter cracks up at that one!) Married men are seeking younger, preferably single women with whom to cheat. Young, morally corrupt women are seeking married men with whom to cheat. Old men are seeking young women and young men are seeking older women. The problem in the Black community seems to be that no one is seeking an appropriate partner any more.

  • http://twitter.com/Datboykenan Kenan (@Datboykenan)

    I agree. It’s funny how we pick and choose which studies/Statistics we’re skeptical of. If your going to be skeptical, be skeptical of all of them if not than take them all at face value!

  • Marisa

    You make an interesting point its either Beyoncé/Halle Berry/Video Vixen/King Magazine model when a lot of those guys are no Denzel/Blair Underwood themselves. I keep saying the fashion/beauty/entertainment industries concept of beauty, only 2% of society would truly fit what they try and sell to the rest of the world. If you take a lot of their so called beauty and looks and remove them from those industries, they would be deemed average at best.

  • Miakoda

    Hahahaha. You have to be ‘Keeping it Real’, because he says things like this on here and Madame Noire with great frequency.

  • Miakoda

    Ewww. He looks like a slimmed down version of Shaq!

  • Miakoda

    My problem is kind of the opposite. I get approached by boys and men of all age groups, because apparently I look to be about 10 years younger than my actual age.

  • Miakoda

    It’s funny you say this, because just this week I have been observing men and noticing how little effort they put into their appearance. I mean, some of them come out of those house looking as if they haven’t had a proper bath in days.

  • GG

    I know some men like this too. I think for men if they really don’t have a lot of women chasing them or any type of woman attention they long for a relationship. While, the men who have women waiting on them hand and foot. It’s not that important and trust me if they were in the other position they would say the same thing.

  • Dave

    @LemonNLime: And if that “lazy and stupid” man who didn’t wrap it up was actually a responsible man who had children in marriage…and then got divorced…how does that change the situation? You would still have to deal with his kids and that other women (in this case his ex-wife), and the financial obligations involved. Marriage is not a blood seal, etched in stone. It is a contract with an exit clause. People, particularly black people, need to start valuing the concept of family, which can exist in a healthy and functioning manner without a wedding or a priest. I’ll say it again: wedlock isn’t the problem, marriage isn’t the solution. Don’t believe me? Check the rate of divorce in this country.

  • Job

    In my experience women want what other women want. Even if a guy is of poor character his percieved value is very high if other women are trying to get him. That’s why there are so many groupie/man sharing situations. I’ve seen women turn down decent dudes who wanted a relationship, while hoping that they could win over a non committal dude balancing multiple women. Then when I ask why they even liked the jerk they can’t give me a straight answer. Sometimes they admit the guy wasn’t even attractive but they liked the challenge. I think situations like this keep many women single. Looking for a challenge.

  • E.M.S.

    I believe in the possibility, because my own boyfriend somewhat supports this statistic. We’ve been together five years, and I’m really surprised he recently expressed an interesting in moving in together, and later on down the line considering marriage.

    Usually my age get bored with the same girl after as little as a few months.

    I think this is a GOOD thing because it will destroy the stereotype that men are afraid of commitment.

  • http://gravatar.com/nolakiss16 binks

    Right! I believe it when I see it.

  • GG

    You will never get an answer. You are wasting time. The best thing is to find women who like YOU. Also, play up your qualities.

  • http://www.lillian-mae.com Lillian Mae

    RE: Only 20% of ALL black women have college degrees that would mean 80% dont!!

    You left out the FACT, that although only 20% of us have college degrees, we still outpace black men in having any degree!

  • Job

    @CG

    These are close female friends who come to me to vent about their love lives. I hear the same stories over again from several of them, and they tell me what their friends are doing too. It seems to be a common theme that I hear repeatedly even on here.

  • Ask_ME

    “We’ve been together five years, and I’m really surprised he recently expressed an interesting in moving in together, and later on down the line considering marriage.”

    *Face Palm* at this statement.

  • http://www.lillian-mae.com Lillian Mae

    RE: One of the many things I came to learn is that I had to be willing to put in the work on my relationship and open myself up if I wanted it to work.

    I love your entire comment! Love and Relationship takes a lot of work! I am a woman who has opportunities to have a LTR, I’ve not taken on any bc I realize how much time and energy I’d have to dedicate and I’m not ready or willing to at this point.

  • apple

    because its culture.. most people are expected there to do nothing but get married at 20 something get pregnant go to church and get divorce and either 1 do over again 2. stay alone.. in north states people are more ambitious in things other than getting married and starting a family

  • MimiLuvs

    @Ask_Me

    Now, now, now…
    Before you negatively judge the woman, we all know that (when it comes to relationships) people move at speeds that are different from each other.
    Some individuals want to talk about the “big steps (moving in a place together, getting engaged and then getting married)” within two years of dating.
    While there are other people who want to talk about the big steps after dating for six months.

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  • MimiLuvs

    “…You make an interesting point its either Beyoncé/Halle Berry/Video Vixen/King Magazine model when a lot of those guys are no Denzel/Blair Underwood themselves…”

    “…It’s funny you say this, because just this week I have been observing men and noticing how little effort they put into their appearance…”

    Let me preface this opinion by saying that I know of some instances where a man was advised to change his physical appearance (by buying new clothes, getting a new haircut, etc.) in order to appear more attractive to women. So, I am aware that it is not ‘just a woman thing’.
    Okay, now with that out of way…
    I still believe that it is a double standard.

  • GG

    That’s exactly why I said it. You will keep hearing these stories and wondering why they complain about bad guys and comparing yourself saying you are a good guy and still single. Seems like you internalized it that’s why you are on clutch articles. Trying to find the magic reason of why women go for the guys they do it will be unsolved. You will be placed the homeboy who listens to everybody dating stories while you are still single. You seem like a nice guy seriously. I know a guy who was like that at 16 always friend zoned. He finally got a serious relationship at 27 so after 11 years. The thing that changed was he focused on himself and interests finding a woman in the process.

  • http://iam.jdakar.com J. Dakar

    I’m a black man, and I’m skeptical of this statistic.

    The fact that only 33 percent graduated high school makes it easy to see how you might have a poll claiming that black men want a long-term relationship more than women.

    Plus, the survey is based on responses from 18- to 49-year-olds; that’s too wide of a gap. Why not break down that range into smaller ones to better detail how age affects views on relationships?

  • Yuppers

    Utterly fantastic and spot-on commentary. May these silly, oft-quoted internet narratives about Black people’s love lives eventually die a quiet, easily forgotten death.

  • Job

    @CG

    Haha, you’re right about a lot. I only have one sister, went to an all boys high school and went to an engineering school in college. So I wasn’t around many women to learn how they think until I got older. So yes, I decided to start finding out how women think. I definitely did internalize things for a time. And I was in that category for a while. But, I learned what to do to avoid the dreaded friend zone. Probably the most useful thing I’ve ever learned!

  • Cocochanel31

    Pretty much! Menw ith options are not pressed to settle down too early. From my personal observations, my girlfriends that are married married the man under the radar who did not get many women, thus was not scared to committ.

    I think that is really the only way it will work ladies. We unfortunatly usually do not want “that” guy.

  • GG

    Good job :). Some people may say they want a relationship but really don’t. So, choosing people that you know you will not marry or look for long-term usually happens.

  • E.M.S.

    Why is that a face palm? Please explain.

    Five years is a long time, I get that, but we’re very young. We’re only 22. So yes I find it surprising. Excuse me for thinking that :l

  • Ask_ME

    @E.M.S.

    It is real simple: A man has no incentive to buy the cow when you’re willing to give him the milk for free.

    Go ask some of these black women who allowed a man to move in with them and busted out his kids, only to find themselves SINGLE and UNMARRIED when all was said and done.

  • lol

    @guest

    that’s obvious, the black women doing the shaming are usually the ones with the oow kids!

    and the ones who don’t want a man with kids are the ones without kids!

  • E.M.S.

    Who said I was “willing to give the milk for free?” Your statement and opinion are based on some heavy assumptions.

    And I really don’t appreciate the condescending tone like I’m stupid to be surprised. I also don’t appreciate the suggestion that my boyfriend is one of the men you are describing, and that I am one of the women you are describing. Thanks a lot.

  • Miakoda

    “there is no article detailing the plight of Black men…anywhere. on any subject. ever. because…? Nobody cares.”

    BECAUSE BLACK MEN DON’T WRITE THEM.

  • Ask_ME

    @E.M.S.

    Don’t get mad at me and the 13 people who agree with me. You sound naive hell. Oh well, you will learn…apparently the hard way.

  • E.M.S.

    Instead of being rude and condescending, you could offer positive advice, tell me to be mindful or careful and wish me luck, rather than condemn my choices and assume the worst will happen.

    I really don’t appreciate the things you have said. If you’re so much wiser, than why not guide me instead of just insulting me?

  • E.M.S.

    Thank you, that’s all I was trying to get at. Perhaps I could’ve worded it better, but I don’t think I deserved that accusation.

  • simplyme

    amen.

  • andinicole

    I am just curious how many of these guys that are interested in a committed relationship want one on their terms only. Meaning “I can be committed, if I can continue to live a separate life of infidelity, emotional distance, and unavailability.” This sounds like the majority of my male friends that are in relationships.

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  • jack

    HAHAHA! I am 20 years old and am married. Your situation is both unfortunate and laughable. Who lives together before marriage? YOU must be unattractive.

  • dsbm

    jack, what you are is pathetic for calling someone else unattractive and making a mockery of a situation of which you only have minor details.

    The only one who should care about you being 20 and married is you and your spouse. Let’s see how that pans out in 6-7 or 10-12 years.

    Who lives together before marriage? It’s 2013, where the hell have you been?

    now, go on…isn’t your hubby, or wifey, waiting on you????

  • http://gravatar.com/wheremychickenat sharay

    Girl, I thought I was the only one. The only guys that ever found me attractive were grown men. The boys at school were never checking for me. My father told me it was probably because older guys aren’t as concerned with other peoples thoughts or whatever and the way I carried myself. I was and always have been more quite. Now I still only get approached by older men. I’m 26 and can’t remember the last time I went out with a dude around my age. I am regularly hit on by the 40+ crowd. I guess now I am considered jailbait to the 50 year olds?

  • jack

    That is why you people are single and crunchy black today

  • http://www.rochellespencer.com Rochelle Spencer

    I lived with my husband before marriage, and overall, I think we have a pretty solid relationship. Do what you feel is right for you.

  • Youwishyoucouldbeme

    Amen. Well said Marisa. People need to be clear about what they want and then only deal with people who want the same things.

  • Youwishyoucouldbeme

    After reading this article and the comments (but not all), here’s my conclusion. I actually think the poll is “accurate,” meaning, I believe most Black men, regardless of socioeconomics or educational attainment would say “yes” they want to be married or “yes” they want to be in a committed relationship when asked. Thus, the poll is accurate, because it simply asked a group of diverse men (age-diversity) if they wanted to be married and/or in a long-term committed relationship. However, anyone can say “yes” when asked about a poll. The reality is that what I say for a survey and how I live my life may not be parallel, and herein lies the problem. I believe that in most men’s minds, they do want to be married, even the players. However, wanting to be married may be 5, 10, or some unknown amount of years from now. Or, it may be “when I meet the right woman,” which may never happen if a particular guy is extremely picky about the women he dates. Or, if a guy has major relationship baggage (bad relationships, daddy issues, mommy issues, OOW children, has been a groupie magnet, and now wants substance over superficial, etc). The point is that most of us do want to be married or in committed relationships. The problem is that we aren’t always willing to actively seek the things we want. Then since we don’t think we “find it,” we just go on living the way we always have.

  • Roger

    This whole thread is crazy.

    We love policing men and whole they sleep with.

  • Roger

    @Dave

    Put down the weed!

  • Roger

    @Dave

    I disagree because for a dude to walk down the altar say a lot.

    What you speak is RARE!

  • Roger

    Thank you @Martin, Thank you

  • Jason

    You don’t sound too upset about it? Apparently Fat Daddy treats you fairly well? At least, he’s got a car and some coin…

  • WhatIThink

    I think most people period want a stable long term relationship, but not many know how to maintain one.

    But overall the myth of all black men being dogs and players is a myth, even though a lot of them are of course. However, that goes both ways for both sexes and all ethnic groups. The biggest problem for black folks is that they haven’t developed a constructive system of social interaction where “good” black men and “good” black women can get together and formed stable relationships. That is the fundamental function of the society and institutions which is to promote healthy interaction and relationships. Case in point, what institutions in other societies are engines for meaningful relationships? HInt: the workplace is one of the top 5. And what is the top 5 list for black folks? Obviously the environment and circumstances plays a big role in how relationships are formed, meaning the club and church ain’t it.

  • NiceGuy4WhiteFemale

    No divorces are not included in 70% OOW rate. Out of Wedlock means the children are born bastards, thus the women are not married

  • http://gravatar.com/alm247 ALM

    NPR, where are these men? Chile…..

  • bob

    there are no blacks in chile (other than recent immigrants)

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