FacebookIf you’re like us, you’ve had a Facebook profile for years and have somehow accrued hundreds and hundreds of “friends.” Maybe you only see about 20 of them in real life. So what? You feel connected to all of these people’s lives, even if you can’t remember who they are anymore. Facebook friends can be confusing, so let us help simplify them for you. Here are the 14 types of Facebook friends that everybody has…

1. The woman who really, really, really loves her boyfriend. Does she have friends and family? Why do I have to go back 20 profile pictures to see you without your boyfriend? We get it, you’re in a relationship.

2. The partier. This person is constantly drunk … at least when pictures are being taken. She’s always tagging herself at different clubs with her friends who look and dress exactly like she does. She takes about 50 pictures in one night to make sure everyone’s head is angled the right way and skinny arms are in attendance. There are even a few sloppy candids thrown in to drive the point home that she was just sooo drunk.

3. The outdoorsy one. There isn’t a mountain out there that this person doesn’t want to climb. His or her profile pictures are all backlit by a sunset, or feature them bundled up in ski gear, or you guessed it, on top of a mountain. Bandanas are usually present.

4. The total stranger. Was this someone you accepted when you were new to Facebook and were desperate for friends? Was he in your 10th grade biology class? Why are you reading about him congratulating his sister on getting into college? Duke? Good for her.

5. The “I’m feeling” status user. You know that new feature where you can say how you’re “feeling” in your status? These people are all up on that, making everyone uncomfortable … so many sad faces!

6. The cutesy poster. We get it: your kids and dogs are cute. Every time they blink, eat, or take a shit is literally the cutest thing ever in life. PLEASE keep photos of these priceless moments coming. I can’t live without getting constant updates on your dog’s new napping position.

7. The world traveler. Weren’t you just in Vienna yesterday? How are you already posting pictures from Tokyo. Slow down. What are you even doing anyway? How does one vacation for a living? Seriously, I want to know so I can copy you.

8. The person who makes you feel better about your own life. Pour one out for the not-very-ambitious people you left behind in high school who just got less and less interesting as time went by. They’re still playing ping pong in their parent’s basement every week, making your own normally boring routine seem pretty damn exciting.

9. The person who makes you feel worse about your own life. She 500 likes on her profile picture with her model-esque boyfriend on some exotic beach. And shit, she even went to Columbia. Is that a photo of her sitting front row at Beyonce? Ugh. Even though every click of her picturesque life digs you an even deeper pit of envious despair, your mouse can’t stop clicking.

10. The witty one. This person is actually pretty funny. If you’re scrolling down your newsfeed and you see their name, you usually pause and read their status because not only will it make you laugh, it will renew your faith in humanity. Until you read …

11. The know-it-all. This person loooves posting polarizing articles from The New York Times or Wall Street Journal and giving smug commentary like they were the ones who wrote it. Please.

12. The Buzzfeed-er. This person posts Buzzfeed articles on her friends’ walls all day and finds every list they make to be sooo true. Especially #6 and #13. OMG.

13. The complainer. The whining is constant. Like George Costanza, things like “getting stuck in traffic” only happen to him.

14. The deserter. This person has given up on Facebook. He never posts, he’s never changed a privacy setting, and he doesn’t even thank people for their birthday posts. You’re not entirely sure he is still alive, although you know he is because your mom saw his mom at the grocery store the other day and is happy to report he’s doing well. He doesn’t give a shit about Facebook, and, sadly we wish we could say the same.

This post originally appeared on The Frisky. Republished with permission.

 

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  • I’d like to think I’m 10. Unfortunately, I think I’m also 11.

  • Ms Write

    Don’t forget:

    The Chronic Tagger. Will tag you or a friend in a picture of their selfie (even though you are not in the pic) just so you can see it!

    The Party Promoter: Will invite you to every club event even though you are not in the same city anymore

    The Bitter Ex-Girlfriend: Every status, meme or picture this person posts is about how terrible her ex is. (Also see bitter Ex-Boyfriend)

    And…

    The Game Player- She sends you Yo-Ville, Candy Crush and Farmville requests constantly!

    • RenJennM

      Good ones!

  • I’m #14. I haven’t changed my profile pic since last summer. You can easily scroll to my content from 2011 and 2010. I’ve never changed my relationship status ever. I want to guess my last status change was back in 2012 sometime. If I post a status now I don’t think anyone would interact with it because it’s been so long since I’ve had public dialogue on FB. I only check FB to keep up with a professional group I’m a part of and to see birthdays but soon I’ll be taking it back to 1999 with getting a calendar. If it just so happens I forget to go offline, one of my friends or hs creep may corner me to chat. Unlike some people I think I’m a burden if I unload any frustrations or negative feelings so I don’t on FB because it feels more G-PG. I had to learn to tone it down on Twitter though because everyone knows Twitter is the wild wild west lol. I’m not a braggard period and I’m not into “constructing a fantasy life via pics” so.

    Can we do an article for Twitter and Instagram users? lol After looking through my Twitter archive, I’ve come a long way since 09 lmao

  • RenJennM

    Also, don’t forget…

    The Post-Binge Friend. Won’t be on for a week (or two) and will just start posting LOTS of statuses and meme reposts back-to-back. I guess they find that one day to “catch up”.

    The Illiterate Status Writer. Every status this person writes is filled with so many typos that you wonder if they’re typing with their elbows or how they even graduated grammar school. (Ex: Tuday wuz a bad dey. Ion trus nobody. Erbody all wayz got sum ta sey.) I still haven’t figured out why I haven’t unfriended them yet.

    The Holy Roller. All Jesus everything.

    The Atheist. Apparently, God doesn’t exist, and we’re idiots for even wasting our time. Oh, and don’t forget the Mark Twain quotes.

    The Post-One-Average-Status-And-Gets-A-Million-Likes Friend. I guess a lot people agree that the sky looks really blue today.