Girl Talk: On Lying About Having A Boyfriend

by The Frisky

Hands Behind Back (Physical Position)Two days ago, I lied about having a boyfriend. I don’t do this, ever. This is one of those things I do not like to do. I do not want to feel like I have to lie about having a boyfriend to get out of an uncomfortable situation. Before I get to this story, here is an example of a situation in which I could have lied about having a boyfriend but I didn’t.

I was in Las Vegas in May, walking around with some of my dearest blogger friends, when we were approached by two men. One guy went right up to a friend of mine; the other went to me. This man stopped me and said, “Can I ask you three questions and you answer honestly?”

“Does this one count?” I deadpanned. He paused. He didn’t get it. So he asked again, ”Can I ask you three questions and you answer honestly?”

When in Vegas, right? “Okay,” I said.

“One. Do you have a boyfriend?”

Really? “No,” I said.

Immediately he got right up into my face. “Two. Do you find me attractive?”

Without hesitation I said, “No.”

That got him to step back. “No?”

“No.”

“But it’s my birthday.”

And then, because I’m too polite, I actually felt bad for the guy, and wanted to apologize, even though he was the one who invaded my personal space. I asked to see his ID for proof, as if that even mattered, as if it even mattered if he was lying about his stupid birthday. I think that was my way of apologizing, somehow. He showed it to me for about two seconds. “Look,” I said, “It’s not very attractive when a man gets in front of your face and demands to know if you think he’s attractive.”

“It’s fine. I was just asking.”

“What would have happened if I said yes?”

My friend answered that one for me. I guess her guy was more attractive than mine. Turns out, if you say “yes,” the third question is, “What do I have to do to get you to kiss me?” Charming, right?

They eventually walked off, pretty soon after I made it clear that I wasn’t kissing anyone, and the whole event felt kinda weird and icky. “Why didn’t you just tell him you had a boyfriend?” people ask when they hear this story.

“Because I shouldn’t have to do that,” I explain. “Because I should be able to be strong enough on my own and don’t have to pretend to have a man to provide some sort of imaginary, invisible protection. I don’t have a boyfriend and I don’t feel I have to lie about that.”

But two days ago, I did.

There’s a liquor store down the block from me, so yeah, I pop in there pretty often. And not just for liquor. They sell Diet Coke by the can for seventy-five cents. That’s just good business. Because I’m nearby and because I’m in there a lot, the guys who work there have started to recognize my face. They’ve always been nice, helpful guys so it seemed like a bonus to be recognized as a frequent customer.

Once, one of the men working there — and the only one on shift at that time — completely threw me off when he asked me, “Do you live down the street?” I paused. “What?”

“Do you live a few houses down?” Now. I’ve gone over this before. I feel, like many other women, that I suffer from over-politeness/unnecessary apology syndrome. I’ve been breaking out of this (see the above Vegas story). But once in a while, I don’t think fast enough, and out of fear of hurting someone’s feelings or causing someone to get angry and call me a bitch (not like that matters at all, which I realize, but is part of the whole syndrome), I answered this man with, “Oh, I live very, very far down, a few blocks down.” I didn’t need to do that. I didn’t need to say anything. But because I go there so often and because it seemed like he had an idea of where I lived, I chose to give a half-truth.

“I saw you go into a house right down this street.”

Okay, that was fucking creepy. “No,” I said. “That’s my friend’s house.”

“Oh?”

“Yes. I go there a lot.”

And that was the end of it. I remember thinking, Damn, I wish I’d specified the gender of this imaginary friend. I wish I’d said “he” and “his.”

I’m now going to get to the boyfriend lie thing.

Two days ago, that same guy was working there, but he wasn’t alone, there was one other guy working the counter with him. Everyone was friendly and nice and then one of them (the non creepy one) said, “That guy you’re always in here with, is he your boyfriend or your roommate?”

Immediately I decided that this was not when I wanted to tell the truth. I wanted to lie. Full-on lie.

“He is my boyfriend. I stay over there all the time, so I guess he’s my roommate too!”

Yup, I went for both. Boyfriend and roommate. The guy who asked laughed good-naturedly. But the creepy guy … that wasn’t good enough for him.

“I saw you go into a house two houses down from here,” the creepy guy said.

This really, really bothered me. He knew exactly where I lived, and the way he shared this information did not feel like a fun, conversational “howdy-ho neighborino!” Ned Flanders exchange. This felt weird and I didn’t like it.

“That’s where my boyfriend lives. I stay with him all the time. It’s my boyfriend’s place.”

The bastard wouldn’t let it go. “Your boyfriend?”

“Yes. We live close enough so I am with him all the time. It’s his place. His.” And that’s it, I was fucking done with the conversation.

Now, as for the guy they’re asking about. Not like it matters to the story, but we’re dating. We hang out a lot. Is he my boyfriend? No. Is he my roommate? No. Want to guess what I did as soon as I hurridly walked home?

I texted him, “From now on, whenever we are in [name of store here] you are my boyfriend, we live together, and you have a gun.” I told him the whole story.

“Got it,” he said.

So, because of some weird dude at a liquor store, I felt like I needed to make up a boyfriend. I don’t know if I can go in there again. And unfortunately, for the owner and for me, it’s a good liquor store. Very upscale, huge wine collection, up until now great employees, and they also sell those night-late essentials like toilet paper, and also Advil and coconut water AKA my hangover kit. But I feel like I can’t go back in there without my fake boyfriend. I feel like we have to go in there, arm in arm, talking very loudly about how much in love we are, how I’m moving in, and how he’s a very jealous man with a baseball bat in his car. I wish they sold condoms behind the counter so that we could go up there and I could say, “May I please have a box of condoms, for me and my boyfriend, who is standing right here, for us to use when we have sex? We have sex. Because we’re boyfriend and girlfriend. We’re going to go home to his house and have sex. My boyfriend is going to have sex with me after this. So we’d like to buy some condoms, please, shopkeep.”

I don’t even know if that would deter this creepy guy. I have no idea what he’s thinking. I’m not seriously concerned for my personal safety. I don’t think I am in danger. I think this guy thought I was pretty or whatever and doesn’t know how to talk to women and doesn’t realize that he’s fucking creepy. Or maybe I’m making excuses for him because of the syndrome.

What I know for sure is that I wish I didn’t feel the need to lie. I wish I didn’t feel uncomfortable about the idea of going back there alone. And I really wish this creepy guy didn’t know where I live.

Goddamnit I need a drink.

 

This post originally appeared on The Frisky. Republished with permission.

  • Eva Stokes

    This was a great story and something that women do all of the time. I have got to read more of your writings. My husband called while I was in the middle of reading this and I lied to him to get him off the telephone! LOL

  • JS

    I lie about having a bf all the time to deter creepy guys. I shouldn’t have to but I do and in all honesty it doesn’t help much. They maybe leave you alone about a minute faster if you said you didn’t however I am then plagued with questions like: “But does he treat you right?” “Where is he” “Why isn’t he with you?” “Are you sure you have a boyfriend?”

    To that last question, which I probably get asked a good 2 out of 3 times this situation occurs, my thought is, if you thought I was lying about having a boyfriend shouldn’t that AUTOMATICALLY tell you that I am far from interested. Shouldn’t it? I think it should.

    While I am on this rant I also hate when guys say: “If you were my girlfriend I would treat you better.” or “Leave that lame for me.” Really? Honestly they don’t think about what they are saying because if I was the type of chick to leave my bf for some random then I would probably do the same thing to them too.

    Urgh. So frustrating! Guys who can’t take the first rejection get on my last nerve. But what makes it worst is a lot of the times you go from “hey sexy mama” to “ugly uppity bitch” once they do get it.

    Lol, I just needed to get this off my chest.

    P.S. Real talk I would have put a report into the cops with the QUICKNESS, once that creepy dude started keeping tabs on my comings and goings. That shit is not normal, not even creepy normal. That is stalker status right there and regardless of any social disorders he may have it needs to be on record. You never know, he might actually have a record of crime, stalking or restraining orders saying some crazy mess like that so just to be safe I would have called the cops.

    Also invested in pepper spray. Guys like that who make me glad I take martial arts.

  • http://gravatar.com/chanela17 chanela17

    “May I please have a box of condoms, for me and my boyfriend, who is standing right here, for us to use when we have sex? We have sex. Because we’re boyfriend and girlfriend. We’re going to go home to his house and have sex. My boyfriend is going to have sex with me after this. So we’d like to buy some condoms, please, shopkeep.”

    LOL that is so hilarious! why must people be so damn nosy? sheesh! men don’t realize that they do the creepiest things sometimes!

  • Hollywood

    I’ve never done that, because I feel that I shouldn’t have to do anything more than say ‘no’ or not even respond.

  • http://gravatar.com/geenababe geenababe

    The games people play. But I do lie and say I have a boyfriend or married to get rid of men I don’t want to talk to.

  • Misha

    I’ve been doing this for years but as of recently I’ve had to just be completely rude and walk away, I don’t care if I get called stuck up anymroe.

  • GG

    The best thing is to IGNORE them if you explained/showed you don’t want to be bothered and they haven’t got the hint. Ignore them; you owe them nothing. You explain too much I used to do the same thing until I was like over it.

  • Kacey

    This story was different from what I was expecting, but I actually think the author did the right thing. The creepy guy in the liquor store sounds like he might be “off” and stalker-ish.

    (BTW – It’s never a good thing to be recognized as a frequent customer in a liquor store – ever! – even if it is just to buy “diet coke” *side eye*)

  • Kacey

    “I lie about having a bf all the time to deter creepy guys. I shouldn’t have to but I do and in all honesty it doesn’t help much.”

    True! I once told a street harasser that I was married and his response was, “What’s that got to do with me and you? Do you know what your husband is doing right now?” smb

  • Kacey

    *smh

  • Sheena

    I know you shouldn’t feel like you have to lie about having a boyfriend, but I’ve only done it to fend off the creepazoids….otherwise, I usually ignore or pretend I didn’t hear them. In the author’s case, he qualifies as a creepazoid so honestly I probably would’ve done the same thing.

  • http://ladyngo.blogspot.com Lady Ngo

    DIdn’t they do that 3 question nonsense in Two Can Play That Game?!?

  • http://gravatar.com/chanela17 chanela17

    i hate it when you say that you have a boyfriend and then they say ” well can i still get your number? can we be friends? can we still talk when you guys get into an argument?” SMH

  • http://twitter.com/pleasefeedthedj ChaoticDiva

    I’ve just tired of the questioning and resorted to the bitch-mode response of “not interested” as the response to everything said to me.

  • Humanista

    OMG! I diiiiiied laughing at that,

  • Hollywood

    You know what? I have told guys that I didn’t want to be bothered and it did not stop them at all.

  • Nicoline

    I really do have a boyfriend and when men approach me I usually just smiles and keep it moving ( I know, thats , if their persistent I say Im in a rush but if they really wont leave me alone I say I have a boyfriend.

    Recently though Ive found that me having a boyfriend means nothing. I tell them I have a BF and they say “Well I have a GF” or “Sh*t Im married, what they don’t know wont hurt” or “I bet your man cant do you like I can (or something along those lines)”.

  • http://www.lillian-mae.com KnottyNatural

    Being called ‘Stuck Up’ is one of the better terms they use…Usually they prefer ‘Beech’

  • MimiLuvs

    Yes, I have lied about having a boyfriend.
    But, it was in those instances where a persistent (although well meaning) acquaintence-slash-match maker tries to hook me up with a guy.
    In regards to the men that try to get my interest, they usually ‘fall back’ when they see the engagement ring on my finger. Even though it is a ring that represents a relationship that ended four years ago, it does ward off men.
    But, every once in a while, there is that certain guy that refuses to acknowledge the ring or the fact that I am in a committed relationship.
    He’ll come up with rebuttals to my declarations, as if he believes that he is witty. Then, they usually say “We can be friends…”
    I always cut them off at that point by saying, “You don’t want to be my friend. Trust me. I will treat you like one too. I will call you and talk about dumb sh*t, all the while, I am sitting next to my man…”

  • Ash

    I lie about having a boyfriend whenever some guy in tries that “ay, gurl….you got a man?” bit. I hate that, that’s how boys in middle school pick up girls. I’m grown. And like other people have experienced, I say “No” and they respond on that “But we can’t be friends?” line. I seriously just walk away then. lol

  • http://motionandrest.wordpress.com/ So So Steph

    I had a conversation about this with a male friend the other day. Why don’t men realize puttiing a woman on the spot makes her feel unsafe and is not going to give him his desired result (if said woman has any level of self-esteem and common sense)? Have they never considered our point of view?

  • Power

    As a man I suggest a woman just saying “I’m not interested” and keep it moving. Make eye contact when you say it.

    As for the author of this story she should have just told the employee to mind his business and keep stocking shelves. You gotta speak up for yourself and stop trying to lie your way out of situations. Men can tell from your body language.

  • Andrea

    There is a hilarious MAD TV sketch that has the creepy guy who won’t go away. Of course, in real life, it is not so funny.
    Not sure why so many people are not socialized properly. Strangers asking for kisses, not caring if you are not single, and watching you go into the front door are scary and creepy and I’m not sure why anyone would think that a woman would be flattered/impressed/won over by that crap.
    Do any men have stories of being stopped and harassed like this?

  • Andrea

    I know right…funny how quickly you go from a “queen” to an “ugly bitch” when you aren’t interested…

  • Nic

    One of my friends was 6 months pregnant, wearing her wedding ring, and pumping gas and a guy tried to holler. Crazy. If that doesn’t deter someone, it’s time for the mace.

  • Nic

    I think a lot of people are poorly socialized b/c yeah, that stuff is scary and offputting and I can’t believe it ever works. If I was this girl, I’d be talking to that store’s management. Scary. I don’t like it when people “recognize” me and point out that they have been tracking my movements either.

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