Racists, it’s your lucky day. Not just because Nina Davuluri, a woman whose family is of Indian descent, won the Miss America pageant yesterday, leaving your razor-sharp mind to compose xenophobic tweets with wild impunity. (Sorry, let me link the big words to Dictionary.com so you can look them up: Impunity. Xenophobic. Ok, we’re back on track.) It’s not your lucky day just because of THAT, but because I’ve decided to help you become a better bigot via Twitter.
Frankly, your Twitter racism game is weak, judging by some of the examples I’ve seen. You can do better, and you’re sloppy, ill-conceived tweets are letting down your pure-blooded brethren, leaving white hoods shaking in disappointment all over social media this morning.
So I promise that by following these constructive tips you’ll be a much better racist on Twitter, making your whole homogenous family proud (including your cousin who is also your sister.)
Here are 30 tips to being a better racist on Twitter:
1. Tweeting “Go back to (insert country name here)” doesn’t really work when your family came over to this country in recent history, too. Unless you’re Native American, maybe leave that one alone.
2. Don’t use cute emoticons when posting racist tweets – it just sends mixed messages, like smiley faces and napalm.
3. Try to be original when using stereotypes in your tweets. For instance, India = 7-11, or India = dot head is a little played out. Maybe try a Slum Dog Millionaire reference? Or that comedian from Parks and Recreation is pretty funny?
4. Twitter only allows 140 characters, so just type “#White” instead of “#Merican,” because that’s what you really mean. Saving those 2 characters will help you get RT’s.
5. Tweeting that it’s dishonorable to anoint an Indian-American Miss America so close to 9-11 is absolutely correct, but only because if we waited a month the pageant could be held on Columbus Day – a REAL ‘Merican hero!
6. America is a continent, not a country – in fact it has two continents! Did you know there is a North America and a South America!? That’s right, so what you really mean is “The United States.” But to stick with the ‘Merica theme, we can start calling it: ’Nited States.
7. A quick history lesson. It went like this: the land we now know as the ‘Nited States was first home to Native Americans, Vikings, Eskimos, English, French, Spanish, Mexicans, and Pacific Islanders in recent history, and then we came and started squatting. But let’s ignore all of that and just pretend we sprouted directly from this soil.
8. If you’re called out for posting racist tweets, don’t ever apologize. Ever. And if you do, make sure you’re not sincere and certainly don’t learn anything from it.
9. We’re having some geographic confusion, so please refer to a world map. Note that India is not in Egypt, over 2,000 miles from Iraq, and has nothing at all to do with Indiana.
10. Indians are not terrorists. In fact, they are always on “our” side. You probably got them confused with those OTHER brown people, who make up about 90% of the world.
11. Al Qaeda is not a country. And there is no “u” after the “q.” I know, I know…they’re backwards.
12. White people, please stop laying out in the sun and going to tanning booths. It’s confusing the hell out of me.
13. I completely agree that Indian dancing has no place in our modern ‘Nited States. We need more authentic Caucasian dances to class it up a bit, like Miley Cyrus twerking.
14. “They” are not taking our jobs. You have a crappy job because you didn’t pay attention in school and you’re lazy. So if you want a better job, go out and earn it the old fashion way: by murdering and exploiting less powerful brown people for material gain.
15. Did you know there are #White people in other countries around the world, like Russia, Canada, and even South Africa? That will make it extremely confusing when a white Russian American, for example, wins the Miss America pageant, rendering all of our “anti-‘Merican” slander useless. But we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.
16. When you call Asian people “PF Changs,” please keep in mind that it’s all white people eating there. Those lettuce wraps are delicious!
17. The majority religion in India is Hinduism, not
Muslim Islam, but either way we don’t want “them” in our country, so let’s all pray for an end to religious freedom.
18. These damn incompetent, un American, immigrant, ethnic politicians are going to be the end of this country! So please continue the outrage not to reelect Arnold Schwarzenegger.
19. The ‘Nited States does not have an official language, but don’t let that stop you from tweeting that everyone who lives here needs to speak English.
20. A tweet like “A brown-skinned Miss America?!!! What’s next – people marrying three goats?!” might be a little bit of a leap. Try to throw a gay marriage reference in there as a stepping stone, so we can better follow your logic.
21. Racists – you’re spending so much time tweeting about the damn Indian Arab terrorists, that you’ve completely forgotten about razzing the Jews, blacks, ‘MoSexuals, handicapped people, Japs, Democrats, draft dodgers, environmentalists, and people who drive hybrid cards. Spread the hate a little – there’s plenty to go around.
22. Try not to tweet about homosexuals ruining our country and then go home and watch lesbian porn. It still counts, even though it’s women.
23. When someone accuses you of being a bigot, saying “But some of my best friends are brown-skinned Miss America contestants,” doesn’t really work.
24. Black people and women – it’s especially awesome when you send racist tweets since you’re not that far from being on the receiving end of horrible discrimination, yourselves! Well done!
25. Please use proper English when composing hateful tweets. For instance, “Dese people don’t even speaks English #WTF #FML #OMG #GoBackToYourMommasCuntry,” needs to go through the spell check at least once.
26. To add a little zest to your ignorant tweets, sprinkle in these words in any combination: Osama, Obama, Yo Momma, Al Quadea, Al Jazeera, Al Sharpton, Baghdad, Bag Head, Benghazi, Saddam, Saudi Arabia, and Susan Sarandon.
27. Whenever possible, add “We’re number 1!” to your tweets. Number 1 at what, you ask? Don’t worry about it – just put it in there.
28. Remember that we’re the greatest country in the world because we’re a melting pot of inclusion, so let’s keep as many people out as possible before they ruin that.
29. I agree that the term “racist” is totally overused, flung around with such reckless disregard that it’s been rendered meaningless. The term ‘asshole’ works much better.
30. Maybe you shouldn’t tweet about your patri-racism at all, considering Saudi billionaire Prince Alwaleed bin Talal is the majority shareholder in Twitter. Oops. We didn’t see that one coming.
Norm Schriever is an Amazon.com best-selling author, expat, humorist, cultural mad scientist, and enemy of the comfort zone. He’s the author of two literary memoirs, a professional blogger, content marketer for companies around the world, and writes for the Huffington Post and others. Check out “South of Normal” his Amazon.com best-selling book about life as an expat in Tamarindo, Costa Rica. You can find him on Twitter @NormSchriever