30 Tips To Being A Better Racist On Twitter

by Norm Schriever

usa-missamerica-winner

Racists, it’s your lucky day. Not just because Nina Davuluri, a woman whose family is of Indian descent, won the Miss America pageant yesterday, leaving your razor-sharp mind to compose xenophobic tweets with wild impunity. (Sorry, let me link the big words to Dictionary.com so you can look them up: Impunity. Xenophobic. Ok, we’re back on track.) It’s not your lucky day just because of THAT, but because I’ve decided to help you become a better bigot via Twitter.

Frankly, your Twitter racism game is weak, judging by some of the examples I’ve seen. You can do better, and you’re sloppy, ill-conceived tweets are letting down your pure-blooded brethren, leaving white hoods shaking in disappointment all over social media this morning.

So I promise that by following these constructive tips you’ll be a much better racist on Twitter, making your whole homogenous family proud (including your cousin who is also your sister.)

Here are 30 tips to being a better racist on Twitter:

1. Tweeting “Go back to (insert country name here)” doesn’t really work when your family came over to this country in recent history, too. Unless you’re Native American, maybe leave that one alone.

2. Don’t use cute emoticons when posting racist tweets – it just sends mixed messages, like smiley faces and napalm.

3. Try to be original when using stereotypes in your tweets. For instance, India = 7-11, or India = dot head is a little played out. Maybe try a Slum Dog Millionaire reference? Or that comedian from Parks and Recreation is pretty funny?

4. Twitter only allows 140 characters, so just type “#White” instead of “#Merican,” because that’s what you really mean. Saving those 2 characters will help you get RT’s.

5. Tweeting that it’s dishonorable to anoint an Indian-American Miss America so close to 9-11 is absolutely correct, but only because if we waited a month the pageant could be held on Columbus Day – a REAL ‘Merican hero!

6. America is a continent, not a country – in fact it has two continents! Did you know there is a North America and a South America!? That’s right, so what you really mean is “The United States.” But to stick with the ‘Merica theme, we can start calling it: ’Nited States.

7. A quick history lesson. It went like this: the land we now know as the ‘Nited States was first home to Native Americans, Vikings, Eskimos, English, French, Spanish, Mexicans, and Pacific Islanders in recent history, and then we came and started squatting. But let’s ignore all of that and just pretend we sprouted directly from this soil.

8. If you’re called out for posting racist tweets, don’t ever apologize. Ever. And if you do, make sure you’re not sincere and certainly don’t learn anything from it.

9. We’re having some geographic confusion, so please refer to a world map. Note that India is not in Egypt, over 2,000 miles from Iraq, and has nothing at all to do with Indiana.

10. Indians are not terrorists. In fact, they are always on “our” side. You probably got them confused with those OTHER brown people, who make up about 90% of the world.

11. Al Qaeda is not a country. And there is no “u” after the “q.” I know, I know…they’re backwards.

12. White people, please stop laying out in the sun and going to tanning booths. It’s confusing the hell out of me.

13. I completely agree that Indian dancing has no place in our modern ‘Nited States. We need more authentic Caucasian dances to class it up a bit, like Miley Cyrus twerking.

14. “They” are not taking our jobs. You have a crappy job because you didn’t pay attention in school and you’re lazy. So if you want a better job, go out and earn it the old fashion way: by murdering and exploiting less powerful brown people for material gain.

15. Did you know there are #White people in other countries around the world, like Russia, Canada, and even South Africa? That will make it extremely confusing when a white Russian American, for example, wins the Miss America pageant, rendering all of our “anti-‘Merican” slander useless. But we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.

16. When you call Asian people “PF Changs,” please keep in mind that it’s all white people eating there. Those lettuce wraps are delicious!

17. The majority religion in India is Hinduism, not Muslim Islam, but either way we don’t want “them” in our country, so let’s all pray for an end to religious freedom.

18. These damn incompetent, un American, immigrant, ethnic politicians are going to be the end of this country! So please continue the outrage not to reelect Arnold Schwarzenegger.

19. The ‘Nited States does not have an official language, but don’t let that stop you from tweeting that everyone who lives here needs to speak English.

20. A tweet like “A brown-skinned Miss America?!!! What’s next – people marrying three goats?!” might be a little bit of a leap. Try to throw a gay marriage reference in there as a stepping stone, so we can better follow your logic.

21. Racists – you’re spending so much time tweeting about the damn Indian Arab terrorists, that you’ve completely forgotten about razzing the Jews, blacks, ‘MoSexuals, handicapped people, Japs, Democrats, draft dodgers, environmentalists, and people who drive hybrid cards. Spread the hate a little – there’s plenty to go around.

22. Try not to tweet about homosexuals ruining our country and then go home and watch lesbian porn. It still counts, even though it’s women.

23. When someone accuses you of being a bigot, saying “But some of my best friends are brown-skinned Miss America contestants,” doesn’t really work.

24. Black people and women – it’s especially awesome when you send racist tweets since you’re not that far from being on the receiving end of horrible discrimination, yourselves! Well done!

25. Please use proper English when composing hateful tweets. For instance, “Dese people don’t even speaks English #WTF #FML #OMG #GoBackToYourMommasCuntry,” needs to go through the spell check at least once.

26. To add a little zest to your ignorant tweets, sprinkle in these words in any combination: Osama, Obama, Yo Momma, Al Quadea, Al Jazeera, Al Sharpton, Baghdad, Bag Head, Benghazi, Saddam, Saudi Arabia, and Susan Sarandon.

27. Whenever possible, add “We’re number 1!” to your tweets. Number 1 at what, you ask? Don’t worry about it – just put it in there.

28. Remember that we’re the greatest country in the world because we’re a melting pot of inclusion, so let’s keep as many people out as possible before they ruin that.

29. I agree that the term “racist” is totally overused, flung around with such reckless disregard that it’s been rendered meaningless. The term ‘asshole’ works much better.

30. Maybe you shouldn’t tweet about your patri-racism at all, considering Saudi billionaire Prince Alwaleed bin Talal is the majority shareholder in Twitter. Oops. We didn’t see that one coming.

 

 

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Norm Schriever is an Amazon.com best-selling author, expat, humorist, cultural mad scientist, and enemy of the comfort zone.  He’s the author of two literary memoirs, a professional blogger, content marketer for companies around the world,  and writes for the Huffington Post and others. Check out South of Normal” his Amazon.com best-selling book about life as an expat in Tamarindo, Costa Rica. You can find him on Twitter @NormSchriever

  • http://mommaused2say.com Kirsten

    To #30…that earned an “Aahhhh Damn! LMAO This was good!

  • L

    Tip #31- do everyone a favor and go play in some traffic.

    most of these twitter racists dont even believe thier own tweets, it’s mostly for laughs.

  • http://gravatar.com/geenababe geenababe

    Most of these fools are punks anyway. I was reading an article on yahoo yesterday about how most of the people sending racist tweets took their page down when they were getting backlash. I mean you would think they could take the heat. Also I am still amaze at how these idiots can have their full government name showing and still write racist things.

  • HaloHalo

    17. The majority religion in India is Hinduism, not Muslim, but either way we don’t want “them” in our country, so let’s all pray for an end to religious freedom.

    Islam* not Muslim.

  • JRW

    RACISM!!! ha ha ha so funny!!!!

  • Simply Millie

    This gave me life especially # 30,10,13, and 15. The ignorance on twitter is disgusting. I love the satire, history and the geography lesson all in one.

  • http://www.chicmodernvintage.com Tonia

    All of that and then some….especially #1

  • a

    hahahahahaahaaaaa….I see the racist ass holes gone bananas

    n hey ass holes…india is not in arab country hahahahahaaaa….u jerks r zero in even simplest geography kkkkkkkkk….

    nanananana

  • http://gravatar.com/mslaynie mslaynie

    The real issue here is, what would we need to marry three goats for? Can’t they be content with one?

  • Rajat Shubhro Mukherjee

    Do add Chicken Dance to point 13… Just saying…

  • nik

    Chicken dance originated in Sweden. Not ‘Merica.

  • Defmuse

    This is absolutely brilliant. I’ve laughed louder & louder at each point that was read. Mr. Schriever: much respect!

  • Val

    Clap Clap Clap, I must say, allthough you forgot about Central America ;)

  • Grace

    I love how you tell them to spell Al-Qaeda then misspell it later on. Priceless. #keepemconfused

  • #Lily

    Norm, this is a great article. LMAO. Well done Norm. Well done.

  • Chinbeard

    Holy Shit, I just peed in my pants laughing, Thanks Norm, your comical wit is another reason why I have to beware of white people, excuse me I have to go change my unmentionables.

  • Jeannie

    These were pretty good. #22 made me laugh out loud, thanks for that! Just need to point out that I didn’t see any reference to the teabagger, teabagging or the tea party. Missing out on a whole new breed to bash Norm, can’t leave them out of people to throw hate at.

  • Anna

    We are the United States of AMERICA, which is why we ARE Americans. You are ignorant.

  • Mansi

    Funny article! Just fyi Islam* is the religion not Muslim

  • michelle geffinsky

    Racists totally suck, too bad your article is racist against white people. Not all racists are white. Pot calling the kettle black…

  • sam

    you dumb shit..way to contradict yourself and prove this whole article to be correct.
    united states OF america means you belong to america.
    It is the same thing as: Canada of America, Brazil of America, Mexico of America, get it?
    Your country name is ‘Unites States’, you are united states in the continent of America.

  • asdf

    you, my friend, are a dumb ass.

  • Skhan

    He made a reference to black people as well. Or, black women specifically.

  • Caitlyn

    24. Black people and women – it’s especially awesome when you send racist tweets since you’re not that far from being on the receiving end of horrible discrimination, yourselves! Well done!

    In case you didn’t see that one… it’s mainly towards whites because whites are the majority of racists!

  • Riey

    Awesome sattire …. nd I has of the impression that nationality is provided by passport and citizenship details.. LOL

  • Julia Jamal

    Funny article and writer is spot-on in most cases but there’s still readers who doesnt “get it” that he is taking the piss out of racism and those racist commentator…and literally making fun of those stupid people who are still so ignorant about the rest of the world ! Kudos!

  • Anders

    White people makes me laugh. No seriously, they do. Those tweets are delightfully stupid. Great article !

  • Nick

    I laugh all the time in Australia when I get in a taxi and the guy starts ranting about immigrants over here stealing their jobs.

    I point out to him I am over here on a work visa and not from Australia and see him squirm or say ‘well mate you’re not like them though’

    It’s not immigration that it is the issue it is the colour of your skin

  • Harry Hendersons

    Sam, holy cow you’re dumb, and so is everyone else who downvoted Anna. So, people from Germany can only call themselves “Germans” because if they call themselves “Europeans” they are “dumbshits”? Wow. The idiocy you display is astounding. What do you suggest? United Statesians?

  • Jeff

    I cannot believe people like these exist.

  • BamaLex12

    Actually you are wrong. it is not named Canada of America. The official name of Canada is The Dominion of Canada, but they are not from the Dominion. The official name of Brazil is the Federative Republic of Brazil, but they are not called the Federative Republic. The official name of America is, The United States of America, our country just happens to follow the name of our continent.

    PS. The official name of Mexico is the United States of Mexico, what do you propose we call them?

  • BamaLex12

    To further drive my point home. For your statement to be correct, it would need to be The United States of the Americas or The United States of North America.

  • sandycg71

    If I wasn’t squirming in my seat at how stupid these idiots are that posted the racists tweets (no Egypt dancing…huh??), I would find them funny. But they are nothing but embarrassing to us as a country.

  • Val

    Some of these made me laugh. Did anyone else find it ironic that in writing this piece to shame racists he includes #16, which is racist in itself? Is Chipotle “all white people eating there” too? Once cuisine previously considered “ethnic” is popularized for american palates is it now white man’s food? Frankly I see all kinds of different people in those establishments because it is AMERICANized cuisine. Sorry that whites are still about 72% of people in this country (according to wikipedia) so there aren’t enough asians in PF Chang’s for you to count them in.

  • Travis

    Really? #white? Talk about hypocrisy! Way to stereotype racism as only a “white” problem.

  • Mr Moon

    What’s a ‘hybrid card’?

  • Never Mind

    This post is hilarious!! I love #29 the most. “29. I agree that the term “racist” is totally overused, flung around with such reckless disregard that it’s been rendered meaningless. The term ‘asshole’ works much better.” ~ Some people take stupidity to a whole new level.

  • Sage

    no wonder non-Americans think Americans are dumb. Super dumb, just like a frog living down a well.

  • wilsy

    Egypt/Al-Qaeda/9-11/Arab ? I think we can now officially have a dumbness scale that starts from zero and has highest value ‘American’

  • Bill

    Eh, while I agree, it’s not just Americans. A friend from Arizona recently went to Australia, and while she was admiring the view in the Outback, was told by a local that it “must be nice to see, since you don’t get views like this in America.” My friend was like “yeah… umm, I live in Arizona.” Ignorance comes in many nationality flavors.

  • http://gravatar.com/sm423 sm423

    umm, not knowing that there are sections of America that are arrid and dry like the Outback is sliiightly different than posting hate filled, ignorant remarks about other nationalities. just slightly though

  • Allison

    “Idiocracy” (the movie) is becoming reality.

  • Carl

    the entire post is satire, as he’s pretending to give advice that would help people become “better racists on Twitter”. His posts are blatantly racist in order to set up the persona of a “experienced racist” or a “racism tutor”.

  • Carl

    People need to realize that this entire post is satire, and that the author’s blatant racism is on purpose. In order for Norm to give advice that would help racists become “better racists on Twitter”, he needs to set up the persona of an “experienced racist” or a “racism tutor”.

  • Charley

    I hate to rain on your parade, but since you have never read the patriot act I will inform you that the United States of America does indeed have national language. Prior to the passage of the patriot act no official language was on the books, even though all of our important documents were written in English. However, the patriot act included a rider that made English the official language of the United States.

  • Treniece

    He mentioned blacks and women as well.

  • PJ

    Shes born in America n cuz shes brown dont make her n e less American. My parents r from India n im born nd raised in Canada so whats that make me???? Indo-Canadian

  • Geoff

    oooh now i get it! thanks for the explanation.

  • http://gravatar.com/authornormschriever NormSchriever

    Thank you so much, Defmuse. Each one, teach one!

  • http://gravatar.com/authornormschriever NormSchriever

    Very important distinction – thanks so much for correcting me. I appreciate you reading it!

  • http://gravatar.com/authornormschriever NormSchriever

    Michelle – I’m not picking on white people, just A holes. Ignorance, fear, and hatred are not confined to one race at all. It’s not a competition, the whole point is for people to LET GO of these labels that hold us back. It’s about rising above the petty differences and embracing unity as human beings, since we are all brothers and sisters. You can not fight hatred with hatred, ignorance with ignorance, so I thought “why not try laughter?”

  • http://gravatar.com/authornormschriever NormSchriever

    Hey thank you all so much for taking the time to read this article and comment. I know it’s a sensitive subject with many opinions and viewpoints, so I’m happy we could come together here to have a civil conversation, and perhaps bring us all that much closer. My only goals with my writing are to: 1) Make people think, and 2) Make people feel more human. I fail more than I succeed, but I will keep trying because I truly believe we are all brothers and sisters, and one day we will be celebrating our differences, not fearing them. Peace out and keep in touch!

    PS Anyone wanna meet at PF Changs this weekend?

  • http://gravatar.com/lexsali Thistime

    She wasn’t just born in the United States, she was raised here too. Would racists prefer that she still refer to herself as Indian, or “go back to where she came from”? Let’s suppose their desire becomes a reality. Do they understand that the United States would lose half their medical workforce, including doctors and nurses. Who is going to take care of you when you’re too old or fat to take care of yourself? We would also lose half of our software engineers. Who is going to develop the products that keep our companies going so that our economy doesn’t spiral into oblivion and you can keep your job? We would also lose a significant amount of teachers. Who is going to teach your kid when he gets to college? Asian Americans are a vital part of the American fabric, so trust me, you don’t want to live in an America where there are no Asian Americans.

  • https://www.facebook.com/opus18 Wesley Keller

    Think I’ll be changing my answer on forms from “caucasian” to other in the future… didn’t watch the pageant, but am simply embarrassed for the comments left by the truly ignorant.

  • https://www.facebook.com/opus18 Wesley Keller

    I’ve got to say that #12 was my personal favorite… And to the dolt saying that the Patriot Act had a rider defining English as the official language of these United States, it didn’t pass and was reintroduced as H.R. 997.
    5% chance of getting past committee.
    1% chance of being enacted.
    Apparently there were a lot of Klingon fans out there who are lobbying to keep it down.
    vaj jatlh maH Hoch

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  • John

    White people are the majority of racists? Very much untrue. Racists come in all colors, evenly distributed.

  • https://plus.google.com/112793169862858411354 Nelson Castro

    The irony.
    Originally nicolexox18 on this article:
    ” Nicole✿ ‏@nicole_xtina 16h
    changed my username to nicole_xtina hopefully this hate will stop now.” I mean … Whats worse, the irony or the nerve she had to tweet this… Not only she is a bigot but obviously stupid as well. ugh ..

  • Danielle Canadian

    “28. Remember that we’re the greatest country in the world because we’re a melting pot of inclusion, so let’s keep as many people out as possible before they ruin that.”

    “Greatest country in the world”…. Ok…whatever!
    Spoken like a true ‘merican.

  • https://www.facebook.com/hiphopisforever Edgar Ramirez

    Perhaps the author was making fun of how people confuse those two terms?

  • Shit Happens

    Ummm… No wonder why Americans are considered the dumbest in the world. Leave asians, even pengiuns from antarctica can take their jobs (dont even believe in my own comment, it’s mostly for laughs) You see what I did there :D

  • http://www.facebook.com/whakarongotai.hokowhitu Whakarongotai Hokowhitu

    Did you totally miss the irony of the entire article??

  • http://gravatar.com/cbcole1 cbcole1

    Loved this piece! Just wanted to correct number 17. “Muslim” is not the right word to describe the religion. It’s called Islam, and the people who practice it are Muslim. (common mistake, I used to get confused by it too).

  • Nersh

    Pwned.

  • Wendy

    Well said, Mr. Schriever! As a half Brit/half Indian, living in the United States, I found it this level of ignorance outrageous. Ignorance is bliss, perhaps? Racism toward any race is not on, this story just brings a very serious issue to the forefront, and you have addressed it in spades! Thank you.

  • Al

    Very well put- the most hilarious, cutting and eloquent response I’ve seen to this wave of Twitter racism. Cyrano would be proud.

  • http://gravatar.com/candaceyd Ceri

    Hey! They have the right to marry however many goats they like. As long as they’re white, American goats.

  • http://jameslyfe.wordpress.com garre3jm

    Contrary to “popular belief” not being white and racism are not mutually exclusive.

  • Canukk

    Pretty sure “Eskimos” (eaters of raw meat) is a terms we have confined to the dustbins of racial language. Inuit is the official, non-racist term for indigenous people of the North…otherwise, interesting article.

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