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Dear Black Women who are convinced you’ll find your White Knight in Shining Armor,

I know you may not believe me but there is no fundamental manual to dating a white man. You won’t find a switch to turn on and off his settings, he may not come equipped with a seven figure salary and sadly, you can’t enroll in a crash course to on how to trap him.

So now that the truth is FINALLY out, can we stop making dating outside of our race sound like some silly 8th grade science project or an escape from all our “black” problems? I’m not here for your episode of “True Life, I’m done with these black men, I’m going to find me a white man.”

A few days ago, my girlfriend hosted this group venting session at her apartment, the purpose of which was pretty much to condemn all things black. I swear it felt like a sour scene from “Waiting to Exhale” as she ranted about how she’s over black dudes and their ignorance to her needs.

Even her happy black girlfriends who are in relationships were toasting her session of black man-bashing. I sat there replying to a few texts while privately machinating an exit strategy. I knew if I attempted to remove myself, I was running the risk of being chased with torches or worse: one of them would cough on me and I’d catch that bitter flu going around.

After hours of frantic declarations to NEVER date another black man, my friend starts gushing over the prospect of finding her a nice, rich white guy. With her bitter support system cheering her on, a conversation ensued about the myth that white men are better in relationships. I was stunned at the fact she even referenced “The Notebook” a few times to defend her position — as if dating outside of your race is some rebound jaunt against the many black guys who ruined your fairytale dreams.

Oh, the things some black women say when they are angry!

Sorry to break it to you ladies but men are men and that asshole you’re dating comes in many shades. Since when does “finding you a white guy” mean that you won’t run into the same problems as you did before? I promise you it’s a beautiful world once you stop stereotyping and start enjoying the different types of people the world has to offer. Rather than finding your “white man,” strive to find a “better” man or simply the guy who doesn’t treat your heart like monkey meat!

Interracial dating doesn’t exist because the black woman got so fed up one day that she decided to try something new. Yuck, we make it sound so dehumanizing!

Note: if you don’t embrace the oppressed mind state where the white man’s ice is always colder, this letter is not for you.

Signed, with love,

Nikki B.

  • BeanBean

    I date all types of men, I like a variety. Trust me the same bs you get from a black man is the same bs you’ll get from a white, asian, native american, or latino man. All men are individuals and should be judged and treated accordingly. The race of a man does not determine how good of a husband/boyfriend he’ll be. Some women are just crazy.

  • Afrostyling

    WTH is this? Next time write it in your diary. And pick less bitter friends. Jesus! People always seem to have an issue with WM/BW.

  • Ariahead

    Thank you! I believe that you should date whomever you want to but I am so sick of people telling me that I should just date a white man. The same white men who ignored me when I was younger and now stereotype me as an adult. Dogs come in all breeds. I am interesting in being with someone whom I mesh with on a mental and spiritual level. Skin color has absolutely nothing to do with those things and anyone who believes that they are going to have a better life because they are with someone of a different race is fooling themselves. You will have a good life if you follow your mind and not just your heart and choose a partner that loves, respects and likes you.

  • Cocochanel31

    if you don’t embrace the oppressed mind state where the white man’s ice is always colder, this letter is not for you.

    CHURCH AND TABERNACLE!
    So sick of women saying date outside your race like men from other races are not jerks/asses/cheaters like SOME black men are.

    Has anyone seen millionaire matchmaker or sex in the cuty? White women have issues in the dating world like everyone else..none of us are exempt!

  • http://gravatar.com/geenababe geenababe

    I just couldn’t do it. This article is right the grass is not always greener on the other side. The only time I dated outside black men and probably ever will was a PR man,a fully grown man but he was a horror just like all the other black men I dated before him. Someone said on here that we are the only race of people that glow/ make sites over dating outside our race and it seems to be true in some ways.

  • http://gravatar.com/sparger sparger

    That may be true. But the divorce rate is much higher in interracial relationships than mono racial ones. I think a lot of people in interracial relationships soon realize that fantasy is not reality. You need to deal with the partner you have and not this fantasy you have built up in your head.

  • Candice

    AMEN! I can’t tell you how many times my friends have tried to get me to put down black men because I now date a white man. Or people ask me how I got a white man. A man is a man is a man. Now I’m young so I can say my current boyfriend is the first MAN I’ve dated before him I’ve only had experiences with black boys but I love black men. My dad is black. I have many black men as friends who are awesome guys and I know many white guys who will treat any girl like dirt. It’s no different on the other side.

    Anyone who goes on a quest to find a man of a different color has some deeper issues she needs to work out.

  • allynn tay

    lol Well said Nick! WE know its all about what you attract and no matter what color he is you’re going to get what your going to get if thats what you’re always attracting!

  • Kita P

    I totally get where she’s coming from! So many black women date say things like “im going to date a white guy” only because they are tired black guys. it’s disingenuous and needs to stop. Date because you’re looking for a good guy, not to see how good a white guy is in bed or because he may be better than a black man. This post was super needed

  • MimiLuvs

    There is a small chunk in my family (thank goodness, it is a small portion and it is a family that consists of grandmother, mother and daughters) that has this mindset. Whenever one of them “lucks up” and starts dating a white man (it has to be a white man), they all hover around him and fawn over him. It’s very stomach-churning.
    They totally disregard the facts that all of them are single mothers and are raising their kids alone.

  • SayWhat

    As someone else already mentioned, what was the point of this post? It seems to me that someone on this site has an axe to grind because this is not the first article where wm/bw are put in a bad light, which is interesting because I rarely see bm doing the same in regards to bm/ww relationships.

  • http://roslynhardyholcomb.com Roslyn Hardy Holcomb

    Actually the divorce rate is significantly lower in BW/WM relationships than they are with either monoracial relationships or BM/WW relationships. That being said, sounds like the author needs new friends.

  • KKay

    Honestly I don’t see it as putting BW/WM relationships in a bad light. It is merely speaking a truth; asses comes in all colors which something someone with common sense would realize.

    I don’t discriminate in my dating choices and I appreciate the hotness of all cultures. I just wish some people would stop all the bashing if they choose to date exclusively outside of their own race. You got your other; why are you spending so much time worried about what you ‘say’ you do not want? Be happy, enjoy your life. Didn’t you get what you wanted?

  • http://gravatar.com/nolakiss16 binks

    Why are people asking what is the point of this article? What is the point of all articles… to inform, discuss and find situations to issues that has been nagging us, plain and simple. This article is NOT about bashing BW/WW pairing but spotlighting women who brings negativity, bitterness and stereotypes when it comes to BOTH intra and interracial dating. As to the article, personally I never understood women like that I never consciously told myself to date insert “specific man of race” because I am tired of this or that, I date and hit on people I am attracted to physically and feel something for emotionally that has similar goals, attributions and end game in mind as mines regardless of their race so I don’t get all these discussions, dissertations, YouTube videos, books, blogs, etc. that deals with this topic negatively. Personally, I am tired of discussing love/relationships in general to the point if someone tries to grill me on who I am dating or try to harsh it out in a “bitter fest” about so and so I just mentally put up a road block. Furthermore, some women need to be objective and see themselves as the common factor of attracting men who aren’t worth it.

  • SayWhat

    The truth is also that bm do and say far worse when they date IR, but do you see bm posting the same type of articles on their website? That is my point. We all know that douches come in all color/religions so this post was completely unnecessary.

  • http://gravatar.com/nolakiss16 binks

    oops…bw/wm

  • omfg

    the only thing this post proves to me is that black women can be far more protective of black men than black men are of black women.

    i can imagine looking at white women and seeing all of the whacked out isht white men do/did in the name of “protecting” and elevating white women. black men simply have little to no history of showcasing that sort of rabid effort to protect and elevate black women.

    it’s an interesting fantasy to have, being with someone so capable of protection. i bet this is what contributes to the fascination with white men.

    i think black women should do what makes them happy and not look back.

    why do i care that some of her black women friends sit around talking about the black men they’ve encountered?

    this post is such a strange rant in a way.

    oh well.

  • https://www.facebook.com/alison.c.johns Alison Cecile Johns

    i found this post snarky, “angryblackwoman-ist”, and vile, and was surprised to find it was written by a woman. if you are hanging around with women you consider bitter bitches because they freely vent their frustrations in front of you, get a new group of friends. maybe they were just free associating, with all the attendant melodrama that you allow to run free in an assumed safe space – either that or they are some narrow-minded absolutists that you are better off without. because that conversation sounds like it came out of the 1950s except for the racial aspect.

    I don’t hang out with women I have that much disrespect for, and if I did I wouldn’t be setting them up for the takedown later.

    In a white supremacist patriarchy, people date each other with all kinds of motivations and hidden desires, many hidden most deeply to themselves. My experience with dating black men has been that sometimes the painful parts resonate too closely, just as there are wonderful parts that don’t ever need to be explained. Attraction, desire for true intimacy or the lack of it, simple healthy lust – all of these things can come into play. Sorry your “friends” let themselves be shallow around you – clearly you weren’t to be trusted in their presence.

  • Kita P

    maybe you aren’t reading correctly. the writer is saying date whomever you want but don’t use dating outside of your race as an escape or because you’re angry! actually try not to see color, but a man. not sure why people don’t get it

  • bigcoat

    Black Woman are the only group of woman that put down their own you never hear white woman, Arab woman Asian woman do this only black woman.

  • http://twitter.com/aerofloatbo aerofloat (@aerofloatbo)

    Some women truly are crazy. And the saddest (and most twisted) thing about bitter women is that they don’t understand that God will never reward you with Love when all you’ve done is Hate another. I had a friend seven years ago who was always dissing Black men and talking about how she wanted a white man. I told her to ask God for the right man and cut out all the hate. Seven years later, she’s still single and alone and I’ve been married for three years. Ladies, just LET. GO. OF. THE. HATE.

  • Joyous

    I think the problem is cultural, not racial. American culture is not a healthy environment for relationships to thrive, for the most part. I am trying to convince my fiancee to move us to another Country because the U.S. is so toxic for Black American relationships. I don’t want to raise my future son or daugher here either. I think many many Black men and women feel absolutely trapped in this sick American culture, and lash out at each other out of sheer frustration.

  • Gina

    Quite honestly, the black women who think like this are starting to sound like the white guys who fetishize asian women as docile and submission just because they are Asian! I’ve been there and done that in an almost five year relationship with a white guy and what I’ve learned is that they all aren’t the same, some are assholes, some are too nice, some have financial woes and others are filthy rich.

    Basically?

    THEY ARE LIKE ANY GUY!

    And quite honestly, dating them has made me appreciate black men even more.

  • omfg

    black men do it all the time but i don’t see anyone rushing to protect black women from their nutty assertions.

    it is still a rant that strives to protect black men. i just don’t think black women are the ones who should be constantly protecting and defending.

    i gotta add that asian women actively pursue white men and they seem to be okay.

    WHATEVER the reason for pursuing white men, let them. who cares? i mean, what’s it to you?

  • KKay

    Honestly just because BM sites don’t discuss it, doesn’t mean BW sites shouldn’t. I actually see it as a failure on the part of those sites because someone should be talking to these ‘all I need to solve my problems is a becky’ fools, and we know it can’t be black women.

    Also, yes it should be common sense, but we know that not everyone has it

    If you offended by the article, you are. But I see npthing wrong with what it said.

  • https://www.facebook.com/alison.c.johns Alison Cecile Johns

    really? maybe those are just conversations you aren’t privy to.

    I am not of the mindset that I have to support anything and everything another person says because of the color of their skin. I LOVE black people, in all our diversity. Doesn’t mean I agree with everything every black person says.

  • omfg

    black women are the greatest defenders of black men. the greatest.

    do you think asian women or white women would have stayed with their men with such commitment despite his high school dropout rates, incarceration rates (for whatever reason), unemployment rates, abuse rates, nutty misogyny in the music and every other thing? do you really?

    in general, they don’t have much to complain about, comparatively. white men are the alpha men – they put white women on their perch. sure they can complain about sexism but really, why complain about the man who is so capable of elevating you to the point where you are the standard by which all women are measured?

    asian men are next in line to become alpha males. despite that, asian women actually abandon them at high rates in pursuit of the white alpha male. but, asian women are well cared for by asian men. generally, asian men are at the opposite end of the black male spectrum.

    i have no idea why you even bothered to reference arab women. that was so random.

    i’m sure the emotional part of people will disagree and thumbs down or whatever. but, nothing i’ve listed related to black men or white men or asian men is untrue.

    for me, i don’t support black men just because they are black men. i used to be one of those women. but i no longer am. and it wasn’t any particular man that hurt me or did anything to me, rather it was a revelation.

    this doesn’t mean i would not be involved with a black man, i just don’t reserve a special place for them or any man at face value.

  • https://www.facebook.com/alison.c.johns Alison Cecile Johns

    i am wary of typing any group of men of color / women of color so broadly – “Asian” is such a huge group, and cultural norms vary widely, for instance – but i agree overall.

  • BlackKingsbutBlackBitches

    Perhaps if you women spent more time lecturing and protesting the far far FAR more numerous and far far FAR more vile things Black men say about Black women when dating interracially you wouldn’t have any Black women at all responding in turn about Black men when they date interracially. Because thats what this is, a response to abuse and degradation by Black men on Black women.

    It always puzzles me to see Black women fly out of the woodwork to protect the good name of Black men while Black men work overtime to soil ours to the rest of the world while simultaneously beating into our heads that no one wants us. What, exactly, are you getting out of this service? When is the Black ‘community’ going to stop demanding Black women do more and more and roll over for Black men to make them feel good about themselves and demand that Black men treat Black women like human beings worth respect and gratitude?

    I don’t even say this as a Black man hater, hell my husband is Black, but it is becoming pathetic the lengths Black women go to for Black men without even expecting a lick of reciprocation.

  • https://www.facebook.com/kelley.johnson.75436 Kelley Johnson

    Actually, a black woman’s chance for a successful marriage is much higher with a white man than it is with a black one. That’s just a fact. BW/WM marriages are HIGHLY successful. So say what you will, but that’s just the truth.

  • La’Ill Bella

    Ironically, Steve Harvey had this very chick call in today denouncing black men and he gave the same response: men are men.

  • Kita P

    @omfg sigh** I guess you still don’t get it lol. no one is defending black men hunny; the general message most of us perceived was men are men.

    Just go enjoy your Friday before you think too hard on this and hurt yourself lol

  • Treece

    “Why are people asking what is the point of this article? What is the point of all articles… to inform, discuss and find situations to issues that has been nagging us, plain and simple.”

    Thank You! If you don’t think there was a “point” in writing the article, then ignore it and don’t comment…..

  • AJW

    Yes because white men only have nice things to say about black women. *eye roll*

  • 9Boots

    Wait a minute, don’t we as women vent from time to time when we get fed up, frustrated, and overwhelmed with certain negative aspects of our lives? For example, we vent about our jobs, coworkers, weight, hair, kids, and men in general. Obviously her friend and friends hit a breaking point and wanted to vent and try new options. Don’t we all do that and decide we want to change whatever it is that is becoming a roadblock? Isn’t that what friends are for? Aren’t we allowed to rant and get emotionally sour and let it all hang out from time to time and as a friend be a listening ear and offer encouragement and truth? I could understand if the rants were frequent and always about the same thing but I thought we were allowed two rants a year?

    What I see here is that interracial dating and mentioning black men’s short comings are the exception and it’s like touching the third rail. Now if your friends do this often and you don’t like it then tell them directly and have no part in it, but if this is the first time or it happens every leap year then let it slide. I see that many BW damn near think it is their purpose in life to defend black men and it is dang near bordering worship. It’s like the equivalent of the Vatican protecting their pedophiles…disturbing and disgusting.

    I’m pretty sure your friends know that WM and non BM are not holly and perfect like Jesus. Who in the heck has ever said non BM were perfect? Whenever I hear the phrases ” white knight in shining armor, black man-bashing, and all men can be assholes”, I know that is code for ” don’t talk about my black kings”. Whether you like it or not there are facts proving BM are the least likely of all men to get married. It is extremely wise for BW to expand their dating options if they want to get married.

    please don’t make me bring out the stats

    : D

  • http://gravatar.com/noirluv45 noirluv45

    “do you think asian women or white women would have stayed with their men with such commitment despite his high school dropout rates, incarceration rates (for whatever reason), unemployment rates, abuse rates, nutty misogyny in the music and every other thing? do you really?”

    Yes, I can say, I do believe these women stay with men you described. They do it all the time. I don’t understand why many Black women think White women’s lives are a day at the beach. Surely, they are privileged to be White, and many benefit from being White, but all you have to do is work for a domestic violence center or visit shelters and you will see that YES, they do stay with uneducated, abusive, perverted, incarcerated, unemployed, and dare I say, jailbird men. I worked for our city’s domestic violence center, and I was formerly a CASA, and trust an believe that the men many of these White women are with, whether they be White, Black, Hispanic, Native American – I haven’t seen many with Asian) are far, far from stellar men. These incarcerated White man – who do you think they are with? Black woman?

    I think many Black people know very little about what goes on behind closed doors. Our viewpoint is based on a fantasy, but not reality. In my eyes, many of them have a lot to complain about. Where are you getting your information from?

    If I misunderstood you, I apologize.

  • Kelly

    And her issues are no deeper than that of a black man (As you may know, they go on quests to find women of different races and shades all the time). Just sayin’.

  • Gina

    So, its okay to talk crap about your counterparts because they are talking crap about you?

    How mature.

  • the alchemist

    Asian women put down asian men all the time, hence, their high rate of exogamy.

  • the alchemist

    Modern BM make the WM of the 1950s look like amateurs when it comes to belittling and insulting BW. If you don’t believe men go to You Tube and Topix Forums.

  • the alchemist

    @Humana

    you sound angry and bitter

  • Straight Up

    Oh please. Another writer using ONE experience to broad stroke all black women. I know many black women in loving relationships with white men and they are in those relationships because they are compatible. End of story. Stop trying to create drama for an audience.

  • Kel

    it is not their job to say nice things about us but it should be a black ma’s job to uplift us!

  • numbers

    As a black woman married to a white man, I will say this…

    MOST of my black friends, co workers, acquaintances, etc are single mothers never married, single women without children who want to get married, or single mothers dating job less, deadbeat dad felons. Not women from the hood, but educated black women fit this bill. I live in Atlanta and I am not going to excuse the shortcomings of black men. You women can pretend that us in interracial relationships view our HUSBANDS (not baby daddies) as saviors and that we are ragging on BM for ficticuous reasons, but the truth is we were wise enough to know that if we want marriage, stability, and children within marriage that meant dating outside of our race. Too many black men are jobless felons, without an education, deadbeat dads, living off of women, etc. TOO MANY not a small majority. u

    I wanted marriage and children with a stable, loving, hard working man and I have it. And,so what if the friend in this article found that interracial dating is more fulfilling , as I did. I, too, exclusively dated non BM in my 30s. I found that men of other races knew how to properly date. This includes going on vacations, fine dining, and conversation beyond baby mamas.

    I’m in a loving marriage, my kids are striving, I’m blessed. And when my friends who aren’t in an interracial relationships complain about black men (not only women who date non BM rant about the shortcomings of black men), I suggest dating out of the race.

  • http://twitter.com/cbmts cbmts (@cbmts)

    there are no “shortcomings of black men” because you’re not looking to date or marry all blackmen. you only need to concern yourself with just one person that you want to date. unless you’re claiming that all black men are “job less, deadbeat dad felons” then it’s irrelevant how many blackmen are in jail, are deadbeat, or felons. you only need to find one that aren’t any of those things to date, if you’re attractive to those men. but if you are choosing to date deadbeat/felon, you can’t be the same one complaining. that’s like infantilizing women, as if they don’t have any control over their own agencies.
    and yes, if you feel the need to say blackmen are job less, deadbeat dad felons to justify why you’re dating/married to a white man, then that’s white supremacy at play. can i not find you a white man who’s jobless/deadbeat/felon? – yes, i can. can i not find you a black men who isn’t any of those things? – the answer is big YES. so stop generalizing/demonizing blackmen and don’t make any excuses for dating non-blackmen: you did it because that’s what you want, not because blackmen are XYZ.

  • http://twitter.com/cbmts cbmts (@cbmts)

    the reason is education, not race. interracial couples tend to be better educated and makes more money than their same-race counterparts. in all parings, women are better educted than men.
    www . pewsocialtrends . org/2012/02/16/the-rise-of-intermarriage/8/

  • Lisa

    Bitterness is not cute check out this white man perspective on dating black women who speak about their disdain for black men all the time. It’s not cute. Your too focus on black men to get the point of the article.

    Integratedmemoirswordpresscom20110619truelovebeginswithyourself

    You scary good men and opportunities in life if you carry bitterness with you.

  • http://gravatar.com/gparson vintage3000

    Is that why so many African men in the UK marry White women?

  • joe

    This comment is irrefutable evidence that a black person can be a white supremacist.

  • WhatIThink

    Sorry. I can’t see the appeal in dating folks who have openly shown you and your people how much they hate and despise your guts all over the planet. I mean after 200 years of slavery and forced rape and you put this right up there as a black persons first priority in life? Seriously?

    I mean you cannot complain about the state of affairs of black folks if your first priority in life is to date non black folks as opposed to rebuilding black society after hundreds of years of destruction.

    Interracial dating and sex is nothing new and just as it didn’t do anything to uplift black people as a whole before, it isn’t doing anything to uplift black people as a people now.

    Not feeling this nonsense at all.

  • http://gravatar.com/ravsmith78 Ravi

    I wonder if you feel the same way if a group of men were venting about black women. If they started to overgeneralize black women and use stats to justify only dealing with white women, would that be just venting? And swearing off black men isn’t expanding options, it’s by definition limiting them. Expanding options would be to look at men of all races and take people as individuals. Cutting out an entire race of men is the opposite of expanding your dating options.

    There are no stats that are even slightly predictive of the likelihood that a particular black man that you will meet will be more or less likely to marry you than another man you meet. The fact that relatively fewer black men are married than white men does not bear on the propensities of an individual black man, any more than the fact that relatively fewer black women are currently married bears into the propensities of an individual black woman. We are individuals and my decision to get married has nothing to do with other black men and their choices. But whatever stats allow you to feel justified in your embracing of white supremacy…

  • http://gravatar.com/ravsmith78 Ravi

    ^^^ logic >>>> white supremacy

  • http://gravatar.com/ravsmith78 Ravi

    yet what are you doing right now? Don’t sound too uplifting to me. And as much as you want to believe that black men in general are engaging in this behavior, you can’t possibly generalize us to that degree. But we can see from your disparaging words how you feel about black men. Having a black husband doesn’t mean you can’t be a black man hater, but overgeneralizing us means you are one.

  • Ariahead

    This is a truly brilliant response.

  • http://gravatar.com/ravsmith78 Ravi

    “do you think asian women or white women would have stayed with their men with such commitment despite his high school dropout rates, incarceration rates (for whatever reason), unemployment rates, abuse rates, nutty misogyny in the music and every other thing? do you really?”

    Given the fact that Asian women haven’t stayed with their men, as you pointed out a little further down, then it’s kind of moot that they wouldn’t stay with them if they weren’t acting right. They are more educated, have lower abuse rates, and are more employed than white men, yet nearly half of Asian women in this country are married to white men. Clearly, minorities don’t need a reason to chase after white folks. That’s the nature of white supremacy. Only individuals like you (men and women) seem to feel the need to justify an appreciation of whiteness with the degradation of their own people.

    The flaw in this logic is that you are contributing to the very same reasoning that could be used to degrade black women. Black women are suffering from similar oppressive forces as black men and exhibit many of the same ills — higher incidence of incarceration than your white female counterparts, lower academic achievement, higher rates of incarceration, higher rates of poverty, higher rates of certain diseases, etc. We are in the same boat as another commenter noted. So instead of using how we are both suffering to justify the view that white is right, how about working to end the oppression that causes the phenomenon.

    or you can continue to refute your own assertion that black women are the biggest supporters of black men, by continuing to not support us.

  • sunshinehaze

    yall are obsessed with white people especially the white men. pity.

  • http://gravatar.com/gparson vintage3000

    Just for fun, let’s try to remember the last article written by a BM where he chastises others for making derogatory comments about dating Black women.

    Too hard? What about a piece where BM ponder about whether they should date non-Black women, because 400 years of history is holding them back?

    Ok–let’s just settle for a time when BM spoke up en masse to defend us when we are insulted in mainstream media. And that includes when it’s a BM making the derogatory comments: Kevin Hart/DL Hughley/Russell Simmons/etc. We can count in John Meyer’s not wanting to sex a Black chick comments, where Questlove (Mr. Don’t refer to rap music as woman-hating cuz it puts BM in a bad light) blew it off like it was funny.

    Damn: alright this one should be easy. Let’s think about all the times Black women have a convo about IR dating (regardless of the context or whether we agree), and many BM and their apologists/enablers show up in DROVES to whine and complain about Black males being unfairly generalized. And no counting every applicable article posted on this site alone, that is way too easy and cheating.

  • Guest1234

    I’m 100% certain my husband does not hate or despise my guts. He hasn’t been alive long enough to enslave anybody for 200 years, and he’s never forcibly raped anyone, let alone me.

    That’s how I can be married to a white man. And, yes, he is my first priority in life, just as I am his. I don’t know what this nebulous concept of “black society” is. And I have no idea why you think it ought to be more important to me than my own husband. But whatever. You don’t need to “feel” the marriage of anybody who ain’t you. And nobody on earth gives a hoot if you do. So go sit down somewhere. You’re embarrassing yourself.

  • Kita P

    Why is everyone not understanding this! the writer is supportive of interracial dating.. it’s just the fact that BW are using the term “white guy,” instead of just a guy. It sounds dehumanizing when we refer to them as a “white man” as if they are some experimental project.. race shouldn’t matter and that’s honestly all I got from this. A lot of black women say this kind of stuff and it won’t help us surpass racism.

  • http://www.friendswithbenefitssucks.com Love Lynn (@LoveLynnGee)

    Color, background, wealth doesn’t matter — what matters is the energy you’re putting out that causes you to attract and ACCEPT the same type of man into your life again and again.

  • http://tedmiked.wordpress.com tedmikedmike

    Okay, i will try to answer some of your completely bogus assertions covered as a “question” and hopefully you get the logical truth instead of some made up “sorry me” victim complexity.

    “derogatory comments about dating Black women by others “…

    That is called fighting racism and black men do that everyday, everywhere. There is no reason to have some special babysitting mission for black women. Not to mention, most of the anti IR comments comes from black women, toward black men who dare to date outside of their race. For the most part no one cares when black women date outside their race, on the other hand, racist white men and most black women have a big problem with it. Don’t even get me started with the hypocrisy and double standard….

    ” BM ponder about whether they should date non-Black women”

    Interracial relationship have been going on since forever, there is no reason to ponder about it. Most black men don’t care… Just because you chose to ponder about it, doesn’t mean we have too. Men and women are different… you like talking about stuff, we like to keep it to our-self.

    ” when was BM spoke up en masse to defend us when we are insulted in mainstream media ”

    Let me reverse this question and ask you; where were black women defending black men when we were being insulted, emasculated by black women since the 70ths. It is black women who gets on national TV to bash black men, it is black women who belittle black men every chance you get in front of national audience….not black men. When did the last time BM made a movie to bash black women like so many black women movies?
    Where is the website promoting IR for black men ? Basically, you are getting what you put out there.
    As for Hip hop and rappers, guess who is the biggest consumer of hip hop is….and whose product most of this rappers are….single BW.

    Last and most importantly, no one is asking you to defend black men or to be anti IR. The article is telling you to stop worshiping white men as some sort of angelic being and black women’s savior, also stop demonizing black men as a group. In another word; judge people by the content of their character as individuals not by their Skin Color …That is all !!

  • vintage3000

    “Most black men don’t care”

    Which is why you continue to infiltrate our convos–because you don’t care–right.

    And btw, there is no “sorry me” going on here-if Black women had to depend on BM for anything we would have been extinct ages ago. If you are so perturbed about being “badmouthed” by Black women, stop trying to engage us in your chest thumping convos while pretending your widdle feelings aren’t hurt.

    In other words, become MEN who are truly more about spending time telling your younger generations to pull up their pants, stop shooting each other (and now babies in strollers), etc. Instead of keeping your ear at the women’s locker room door, all because you “don’t care”. Go back to blacktail.com where you belong.

    I already know this is like telling pigs to fly. But thank you for providing an example of the last bullet point in my post-lol. It’s never tough to find butthurt BM loitering about.

    #blackpowerisforblackmen

  • Common Sense

    Ignorant men come in all colors and religions. That girlfriend of yours must not know any white women. I hear white women complaining all the time about their men, and I have dated white men and trust me they are no prizes either!!!!!! Some are cool, just like some black men are cool. It has nothing to do with race!!!!!

  • http://parentingbytheseatofmypants.wordpress.com greendoondoon

    Yep. It really cheapens IR relationships when stuff like this is brought up. The majority of black women married to white men are married to them because they love them– not as a “fuck you” to black men or to be saved or anything else. Are there stupid women like the author’s friends around? Absolutely, but they are the minority. Oh and for those stupid women out there? Please don’t ask your black friends that are in IR relationships for the best info on how to get with a white man. There is no special formula.

  • Nic

    Pretty much. Some women do not pick good men and switching colors isn’t going to change that. It’s also true that many women tolerate bad behavior that they incorrectly attribute to a man being back.
    If you find yourself in a series of dysfunctional relationships it is NOT b/c of the skin color of the men you date. It is b/c of the character of the men you choose and you might want to re-evaluate how you screen the people you choose to enter into a relationship with.
    That requires self-awareness, self-reflection and sometimes therapy. B/c if all of the men who find yourself mixed up with have the same bad MO, then changing tribes won’t fix that. Assholes come in every color.

  • Nic

    Yeah, the conversation should not be “I’m not going to date any more black guys.” The conversation should be “I’m not going to date any more assholes.”
    The kind of girl who dates dysfunctiona black men will wind up with a dysfunctional white man.

  • 9Boots

    Sighhhhhhhh

    The only reason I’m gracing you with a response is for the complete purpose of entertaining BW.

    There is such a thing called ‘ cultural norms ‘ and pointing out negative, dysfunctional, and misogynistic behaviors in the black community is not ‘white supremacy’. Man up and stop scapegoating ‘the white man’ for the evil behaviors of BM. Last time i checked BM have free will and BM will be held accountable for their behavior. Women do not need permission to flee misogynists nor do they have to remain silent and cover up the abuse committed against them. It is a known fact that some cultures and communities are more misogynistic, oppressive, and abusive to women then others. Some cultures have a tendency to mutilate the genitalia of women. Some flog and behead women. Some kill their women after they are raped and call it “honor killing”. Some force them into polygamy. Some do not let women leave their homes and some make them wear clothing covering them from head to toe. Some refuse to marry the women of their so called community and cause them to have the lowest marriage rate and OOW birth rate in the U.S. Some cause their women to have the highest homicide rate and sexual abuse rate in the U.S. Some have a tendency to abandon their children with their mothers and not contribute to the emotional and financial upbringing of their children. Some have become extremely wealthy by degrading their women in music and entertainment. Some chase after the women while flat out denying the misogyny rather then addressing it and eradicating it and instead try to silence the women for stating their reasons for moving on to men of other communities that are more likely to desire to treat them like queens.

  • 9Boots

    Sighhhhhhhh

    The only reason I’m gracing you with a response is for the complete purpose of entertaining BW.

    There is such a thing called ‘ cultural norms ‘ and pointing out negative, dysfunctional, and misogynistic behaviors in the black community is not ‘white supremacy’. Man up and stop scapegoating ‘the white man’ for the evil behaviors of BM. Last time i checked BM have free will and BM will be held accountable for their behavior. Women do not need permission to flee misogynists nor do they have to remain silent and cover up the abuse committed against them.

    It is a known fact that some cultures and communities are more misogynistic, oppressive, and abusive to women then others. Some cultures have a tendency to mutilate the female anatomy. Some flog and behead women. Some kill their women after they are raped and call it “honor killing”. Some force them into polygamy. Some do not let women leave their homes and some make them wear clothing covering them from head to toe. Some refuse to marry the women of their so called community and cause them to have the lowest marriage rate and OOW birth rate in the U.S. Some cause their women to have the highest homicide rate and sexual abuse rate in the U.S. Some have a tendency to abandon their children with their mothers and not contribute to the emotional and financial upbringing of their children. Some have become extremely wealthy by degrading their women in music and entertainment. Some chase after the women while flat out denying the misogyny rather then addressing it and eradicating it and instead try to silence the women for stating their reasons for moving on to men of other communities that are more likely to desire to treat them like queens.

  • Anthony

    This is pretty funny. All of the back and forth about white men and whether or not brothers are hopelessly raggedy has really made me leave a lot of threads alone. To be honest, most of what is said strikes me more as an age issue instead of a gender issue. I doubt if black women my age are having the quite the same conversations. Whatever choices the women who read this site make, I hope you are happy. Bad relations are a real bummer whatever he rascal in question looks like.

    Before anyone says it, I know this site is not for me!

  • Wow

    Wow. These comments make black women look super pathetic and desperate. So embarrassing. Bunch of crazies….

  • WhatIThink

    Your marriage is your marriage and your relationship is yours alone. My point is that black people as a GROUP have issues that need to be addressed MOST of which are directly related to our experience as slaves and 3rd class citizens in ALL European societies. The only way that those issues are going to be addressed, including the unhealthy state of black male female relationships is by black folks coming together and doing something about it as a people. Period.

    And to that point the reason for this is that the only way to build a healthy and stable black society is by 2 healthy and stable black folks coming together and building a healthy and stable black family. Now if that isn’t your concern then fine, but that is my concern and it should be the concern of ANY black person that wants to see a more prosperous future for their people. All people focus on their own because it is their right and responsibility. Looking for other people to come save you from your issues or to build something for you is nonsense. A healthy, constructive society is not out looking for other races to date to uplift their race. First because dating other groups only dilutes the race biologically and second because why on earth would you feel that some other group is going to do for you what you cant do for yourself.

    But more to the point, this is America. It is designed to be a melting pot. But for black folks to fully assimilate into this society means the end of black people as we know it, because there aren’t enough black people to sustain the population if everyone is mixing and matching with folks they like. It simply is not possible. I am not saying that IR dating or marriage is bad. What I am saying is that doing it because you hate black men or hate black women or because you feel the grass is greener on the other side is just plain dumb and foolish. Not to mention ignorant because there are a lot of white bigots who have no problem sleeping with black women because they can not because they really care that much about them as life partners. But of course clowns don’t want to talk about that because it makes them look stupid for promoting that fantasy world nonsense of the white prince or princess charming now doesn’t it? And I am not talking about you because you don’t represent everyone and everyone’s experiences. Common sense should tell you that you are playing russian roulette thinking you can just date IR and not expose yourself to racism some kind of way. Or put it another way, you are not only subjected to regular run of the mill jerks and morons but also racist jerks and morons.
    But hey if that is what black folks want to do and don’t care about the consequences then go ahead but don’t expect sympathy from me for that nonsense.

  • Joyous

    Honestly, if you have to try and pursuade, convince, or force people to date IR, chances are, you yourself are not that comfortable with it. Adding members to your ‘swirl teams’ will not help the situation. This goes for all types of IR combinations. Dating and marriage should be natural. IR relationships in the U.S. don’t seem as natural as they should be. People have all kinds of agendas. IR relationships and marriages will NOT end racism in the U.S. A country full of biracial children will NOT end racism in the U.S. The only thing that will end racism in the U.S. is economic equality. Its all about economics. When the U.S. no longer benefits economically from racism, racism will finally die in the U.S.

  • WhatIThink

    Building strong relationships as black people does matter for the survival of black people. Now of course everyone doesn’t care about that, but for those who do, this is the point of no return. Black folks will not survive running around saying they need to marry non blacks in order to feel loved or appreciated as individuals or as a people. That is a death sentence. I am sorry if you don’t like it, but that is just how it is.

  • http://gravatar.com/ebony82 ebony82

    I am married to a non-black man and I have to tell you, it’s usually the women who STEREOTYPE (key word) what men of a certain ethnicity are like who make stupid comments such as, “I’m tired of dating (insert ethnicity) men. I’m going to get me a (insert ethnicity) man instead.” They will have to learn the hard way that it is the TYPE of man you chose, not the ethnicity of the man you choose, that will determine if you are treated better (hopefully any man who comes across a woman with that mindset will flee).

  • http://gravatar.com/ebony82 ebony82

    That’s right! I refuse to allow any NOBODY to impose on my happiness! Rant and rave until you pass out! (IGNORED…)

  • Ads

    For some “texture” here – i’m white – i have one uncle who was in the pen for 15yrs, one uncle who wore an ankle bracelet for 3 yrs, a cousin who went away for 1 yr, and another cuz who got a plea deal. Human beings commit crimes, and people from marginalized socio-economic backgrounds are more often arrested and convicted. Going white doesnt erase that. Additionally, those uncles cried at my wedding, babysit my baby, and love their kids with all their hearts. Ex-cons are people who have paid their debt to society.

  • http://gravatar.com/geenababe geenababe

    I agree with joyus and whatIthink

  • Aria

    Lol Men are Men. I don’t see why we continuously stick stereotypes or behaviors for each race of men. Have you met all white men to know how they are? Have you met all black men to know how they are? No. I feel as though many people have some mentality that if they date someone of a specific race they are going to feel better about themselves. Love has no color. If you spend your life trying to look for the “perfect race” then you might as well stay single. There are flaws in every race of man and woman. Just let love come naturally and put aside these notions that one race is better than another. Its not about skin color its about the respect and admiration a couple has for one another.

  • joe

    To those commenters who preach the superiority white men, I am sure some of you have given birth to black sons. Are they inferior? Please don’t allow your hatred to ruin them.

  • Wanda

    To each HER own…

  • Joye

    Both black and white guys have sent my heart racing – not to mention Latino, Asian and combinations of the above. If you go for a guy, he will want you to be with him for him, not because of his race. On the other end, no guy wants a woman to say ‘I’m dating you because it’s more socially acceptable.’ Opportunistic much?

  • 9Boots

    Go tell that to all the black men that treat black women like ish and encourage it, the ones that refuse to marry, and the ones that marry inerracially. I hope their hatred does not ruin their black daughters…WAIT TOO LATE.

  • Ariahead

    I hardly ever post on this or any other website so I am probably not the person that you are looking for but way to be judgmental. I don’t know what about what I wrote would make you make assumptions and judgments about a persons boundaries and relationships.

  • Jah

    9% for BW/WM compared to 23% for BM/WW.

    That’s why the divorce rate looks lopsided. That, and the fact a BW will take alot of shit from a White dude just to keep, and thinking they won’t get as good a chance if they divorce their first White man. So, they just suffer it and deal with it.

  • http://gravatar.com/ebony82 ebony82

    I agree. No one wants to feel like an experiment. Leave that to science.

  • CanV

    THANK YOU! This author gets the side eye, trying to seem like she’s pro IR then painting bw as angry and bitter. Did the author ever consider that maybe its just HER group of friends?

    I have friends who only date IR and have diddly to say about bm. Other women have had really bad experiences of being mistreated at the hands of bm and need to get it off of their chests.

    In general anyone who wants a great relationship has to value themselves, create strong boundaries, and know what their deal breakers are and live by them.

    But guess what: bm are out there saying HORRIBLE things about why they don’t date bw and I have yet to see an article like this targeted at them.
    #itsmellslikeblackmale
    priviledge

  • Quentin

    I am a white man. Wanna know what my response is? Here goes:

    “Who cares?” Love is love. The color of a person’s skin is just merely biological. To each, his or her own. Learn to look BEYOND skin color, race, and ethnicity and see the person inside. THAT, dear lady (Nicole Breeden), is what really SHOULD matter.

  • BronzeCleopatra

    I am so tired of reading where Ebony tells you to go run out a “find a white man science project” like so many white males drinking white wine and eating white cake are panting and waiting for you. In this world they will save you from the issues of being black and love you more than any man would.

    This is only in black magazines that outright tells people not to date each other. Did you ever see Vanity Fair tell white people repetitively to stop admiring white women and try to marry a black women to them.

    NO! Vanity Fair or The New Yorker wouldn’t dare.

    Why do we only act like there are white guys to go to? Did you notice how white run media sets the white male up as if they are the ONLY other logical choice in the whole world! There other ethnic guys to date other than white guys who you can relate too culture wise. The world is NOT only full of white males.

    Why do you want someone who doesn’t see your skin color or race?

    What’s wrong with your race? It’s just who you are. Is being a black female so awful that the man who dates you throws it away and only sees you as a “woman”. Why can’t he see you as a “black” woman and love you just as much.

    I am not one for the color blind world, color shapes our life and reality, why throw it away? Why don’t you accept their color instead instead of pretending
    THAT YOU DON’T SEE IT AT ALL LIKE ITS A TERRIBLE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM TO BE IGNORED. THAT’S NOT LOVE THAT’S JUST TOLERATING.

  • Leslie

    I think it’s very offensive for black women to go out and date a white men as if she’ trying out a brand new kind of jeans or a restaurant. White men have feelings just like black women so we, as black women shouldn’t go out and date a white men as if he’s a thing. We wouldn’t like such a thing so why should we treat him like that. Grow up people it’s 2013 and people are still as ignorant as ever

  • hi

    That was last year, people aren’t ignorant anymore.

  • morpheus

    Nobody should marry outside their race and have babies because of inequality. Until all people can be treated equally its a waste of time. Some people actual think if they mix especially AA it will change their condition. In America white supermacy is the system that binds us. Most of our people are already mix and our condition has not change since slavery as far as finances so when our people make choices based on stereotypes you will fail. Black people have to be portrayed as negative because the white racist system will not work any other way. Dr. Frances Cress paper on the white racist system explains that blacks show confirmation of the system by exhibiting abnormal symptoms such as marrying whites at three times the rate that they marry their own people. The WHO only recognizing white and non whites. 90 percent of white people marry to produce more white people not non white. In the year 2050 non white will be the majority in America and the white system will fall.

  • 10Truth

    Black people we need to stop mixing with other races really, if we don’t its going to be our undoing. black women your being trick and used to create another wave of white loyalist mullato’s, in order to further divide and progress the minoritisation and eventual extinction of the black race. You were used in past during slavery and your being used again. We must stop! this is destroying us, as black man i intent to get married to a black woman. because i want me child to be talented, strong, wise and handsome as me or even more.

  • http://www.interracialdating.org.au Jack

    The underlying factor for good marriage is only trust and nothing else. Therefore, if you have real trust in your partner then any type of marriage (interracial) can stay for long. See for the real life interracial couples who have found their perfect match white men from the website freeinterracialdating dot info

  • http://www.interracialdating.org.au Jack

    The underlying factor for good marriage is only trust and nothing else. Therefore, if you have real trust in your partner then any type of marriage (interracial) can stay for long. See for the real life interracial couples who have found their perfect match white men from the website www dot freeinterracialdating dot info

  • bib thompson

    Amazing how you bash black women from dating white girls, but nary a wor on your brothers dating white women? Sounds rather racist to me!
    bt

  • jonathan

    I’m pretty annoyed with how its some how a big deal for a white man to date a black woman. Its stupid. Date whomever you want but do it for the right reasons. And all the black men who try to break it up by saying some bullshit about how the white man is trying to destroy you bla bla bla I hate to break ot to you brothas but the white man doesn’t give a fuck what you do bro. I’m mixed myself from a white father aTurkish mother and I choose to be with black women because that’s what I’m mostly attracted to and I don’t care when a black man dates a white woman and neither does any other white man for the most part because white people have bigger things to worry about than keeping the black dude down -@_- hate to break it to you here too but the country isn’t run by white men, its run by Jews. Oh and another thing only the richest white people back in the day owned slaves. The upper 13% richest of the rich owned slaves and those are the same family’s who are running this country today. The American society is built like a pyramid scheme to keep those family’s on the top and the government loves that you’re blaming average white men for it because it keeps them out of sight. Anyway the real thing here is how sad people are like ot fucking matters what race you’re dating. No ones race is going to die out anytime soon and people shpuldnt be giving a whit about race these days in my mind. Hell I’m mixed. I look like a dark complecred white boy and I get told how gorgeous I am all the time so I say fuck it. Lets mix this world up lol

  • kiki80

    There are too many categories of white men to even try to make any accurate assessments. The white redneck Bubba in Georgia, the white Irish yuppie in Chicago or the ‘white’ Italian guido in Brooklyn are on totally different pages culturally.

    However, the common thread is this…*most* white men will not make babies with you without marriage. That and only that is the difference between them and today’s black men.

  • Jacqueline

    The idea that white men are good in relationships and black men aren’t has been fed to us through movies from the beginning. Some women fall for that forgetting that that’s just a movie that’s how they were told to ACT. There are ass wholes in every race. A lot of the time women are so quick to blame the guys that they don’t evaluate themselves. For ex: how they present themselves & where they try looking for men. There’re ass wholes everywhere, but what are the odds that there are more at barns & noble vs the club? There was me point where I used to be jealous of my white roommate and her boyfriend who was together for 5 years. It looked like everything was perfect but turns out they were having worse problems than me and my boyfriend of 4 years now where having at that time. I’m black and my boyfriend is black too. I used to go to an all white high school and I used to feel the same way as your friend until I met my boyfriend of 4 years now. There were times I genuinely liked white boys & there were times I did for the reasons your friend had.

  • guy

    as a white man, i love black/mixed women, come to papa!!!

  • Swissha

    This article is the truth! White men and other race men are just as bad, sometimes worse than black men. I always say “a man is a man”. I look at someone close to me who dates other races of men and my goodness how they treat her. It’s terrible and black women really need to understand this. Matter of fact, black people as a whole need to see that dating outside doesn’t mean that you have won because a lot of times it can be worse than if you would have stayed in your race. The others cheat, lie, and make racist comments all the time. Black people wake up!!!

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  • Venita

    First of all, the author is probably a black male. Black women were never raised to believe “white men are better in relationships.” Black women are raised to avoid white men, don’t ever get involved with one or bring them home. The black community outcasts blacks women involved with white men as “whores” and “traitors to the race” This is even the case even among celebrities and its part of the reason why Diana Ross is so reviled in the black community. Black women are told that all white men think of them as whores and that he’ll rape a black women and turn around & cut her throat. Black women are raised to fear white men. Even as children they are told about the kkk and slavery where black women were raped, beaten,forced into having babies and it produced great shame and disgust. Even now in the black race black women who date & marry white men its often said “too bad serves her right that’s what she gets for fooling with a white man.” Meaning such a black woman deserves anything bad coming her way and she deserves no sympathy.

  • Venita

    It wasn’t the only the richest whites cutting off thes feet & hands of runaway slaves. It wasn’t rich whites forming vicious mobs against little black children or bombing black churches or school buses in Boston during the 70′s. It wasn’t rich whites tying a black man to a truck in Texas and dragging him til he died in 2007. It wasn’t a rich man who opened fire, shot the face off a black female motorist who had a crash was injured got out the car in a Chicago suburb knocked on the door in a strange neighborhood for help. This was 2013.

  • Kiel

    So if these were just stories about white men raping black women why does ancestry.com and dna.com document that 75% of black americans right now in 2014 are 1/5 white?Frederick Douglas, Booker T washington and millions of others had white father who disowned them.

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