I am fortunate to make a living – i.e. cover student loans, rent, a five-piece chicken strip’s dinner from Popeye’s – solely from writing. I am grateful, but now more than ever do I look at inbox and think, “WHY WON’T YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?” I love pop culture and I love politics, but there are some people and subject matters I want to put on a first class flight to Irrelevant Island where I imagine Brooke Valentine, Gerardo, Sylk-E-Fine, and the fired cast members of VH1 reality shows all now reside.
I know that these sorts of lists are typically done towards the end of the year, but I can’t wait that long. Besides, I’m already getting emails about holiday sales. To that end, below is a list of 10 names and topics that I hope will die by Christmas. More than likely they won’t die, but just know that they really, really should.
10. Basketball Wives
You know, a wise white man once said, “You gotta know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold them.” Full disclosure: I currently collect a coin recapping this show, but that only means I truly understand just how wack this show has gotten. It’s not because the women aren’t throwing bottles and sucker punches at each other, though. Fact is, sitcoms typically outrun their storylines after a certain point, and their cheap cousins, reality shows, are no different. Go away, ladies.
9. Beyoncé Presumably Not Using A Comb On Blue Ivy
I’m not going to pretend that I’ve never looked at a baby’s head and thought to myself, “Should I call CPS on that child’s mama for not combing that child’s hair? But you know what? I’m dead wrong for worrying about how a baby’s child looks. Leave Beyoncé Jr. alone. She has her whole life ahead of you people judging her. Let her enjoy this break period.
8. The “Female” Debate
Stupid, sexist men: “Female” is an adjective or “describing word” used to modify a noun. You know, a “female cop” or a “female dancer.” Using it that way is fine, but referring to any woman you can think as simply a “female” is stupid, and frankly, your second, third, and fourth grade teachers owe you a refund. Now please, stop talking about this on Twitter so I won’t have to see any more retweets about it from frustrated women.
7. “Blurred Lines”
I personally find the “you know you want it line” to be more douchey than rapey, but I respect the difference of opinion and dialogue around it. That said, I want this song and all debates surrounding it – including the one about whether or not Marvin Gaye’s ghost needs to whoop Robin Thicke’s ass – to die. This time could be better spent planning a virtual intervention for Paula Patton, who I worry about ‘cause she seems high as Venus at every award show.
6. Drake being soft
Yes, Aubrey Graham took Ralph Tresvant’s only solo hit a little bit more to heart than most people, but the idea that he is the most sensitive rapper to have ever lived, and thus, must be de-balled and banished from rap is stupid. You know who was equally as emotional as Drake, only people let him make it because it was rage versus introspective reflection? Tupac Shakur.
5. Kanye, the genius
As much as I loathe how much the term “genius” is tossed around, Kanye West is very much a talented man who makes remarkable music that is typically head and shoulders above his peers and will be noted as such for decades to come. Can we stop talking about this and come together as community to talk about how bats**t crazy Kanye sounds in his interviews now?
4. Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom
I feel sorry for Khloe marrying a drug addict, but tell your mama to stop pimping the drama.
3. Scandal Shade
Personally, I consider Oliva Pope to be Joseline Hernandez with a white-collar job, but I don’t mean that as a peroative. Scandal is a soap opera and Kerry Washington’s character isn’t meant to be a role model for all Black women. You self-righteous Negroes are going to learn not to make everyone into the poster child for Blacks behaving better. By that same token, a show being entertaining doesn’t necessarily mean it deserves every award imaginable. Kerry will get her Emmy in due time, though if she doesn’t, don’t trip ‘cause the show is just an expensive Days Of Our D.C. Lives.
2. Cuffing Season
I’m almost certain that people are not going to shut up about cuffing season until June 21. Nevertheless, I’ve never understood the obsession with “cuffing season.” The gist of it is what? People wanting to have regular sex? How is that different from any other period of the year? Does wearing a coat while being horny make it more special? No, the answer is no with a hell in front of it.
1. Miley Cyrus
No white woman should have all this power. Miley Cyrus is like the millennial “White Mike,” which is by no means a new concept but at least her predecessors were better at Madonna bite gays well; Britney Spears gave fantastic Vanilla Janet; Fergie was a faux Chulo, but catchy songs; Gwen Stefanis’s Asian gang performed well, though she probably has to watch her back in Tokyo for the rest of her life. Miley Cyrus can’t even twerk, so let’s move on…to Ariana Grande.
Michael Arceneaux is from the land of Beyoncé, but now lives in the city of Master Splinters. Follow him at @youngsinick.