Lately I’ve been having a hard time dressing my body. When I was smaller, it was easier to just throw on whatever and look good. But as my weight has fluctuated over the years, I’ve had an increasingly hard time finding clothes that flatter my figure and make me feel sexy and attractive.
When shopping, I gravitate towards body hugging silhouettes, skintight pants, and dangerously high heels. Despite liking that aesthetic the most, I very rarely dress in that fashion. The truth is, while I like those types of clothing, I don’t feel comfortable dressed that way. When I’m in the fitting room I feel amazing about my soon-to-be purchases. But once I get home and am left with the task of actually wearing my new clothes, it’s a totally different story.
On the one hand, I want to be seen as sexy and attractive, and in my mind, that means tight clothing. But on the other hand, I’m terrified to be seen in a sexual way, even though I want the attention, sometimes I can’t handle it.
After high school I gained a ton of weight that I haven’t quite been able to lose completely since then. For the past three years I’ve gained and lost the same 30 pounds.
A few summers ago I ran out to my local American Apparel and bought a V-neck bodysuit with a mesh see through center. I had lost 20 pounds (again) and was feeling myself. I wore it one time before gaining the weight back (again) and relegated the sexy ensemble to the back of my closet.
When I gained the weight back again I was so disappointed. I really beat myself up about it, but this year something changed within me and I decided to stop punishing myself for being whichever version of me I happen to be that day. I decided to start wearing all the things I wanted to wear for better or for worse.
So this past summer I gave my V Neck bodysuit a spin for a girls’ night out in Williamsburg. I won’t lie, I felt pretty darn exposed while riding on the L train. I def got a few double takes while on the train but I didn’t care (much), that was my outfit for the night. If anyone had a problem with it they would just have to deal, myself included.
Then again, maybe the few looks were just in my head. At any rate, I put on my headphones and stared straight ahead with my game face on.
Upon getting to the tiki bar, I received high praises from my girls. The praise felt great but I wondered in the back of my mind if they were just being nice or if they thought I was crazy. As the night progressed, I felt most of the anxiety I was feeling slip away. Our next stop was a karaoke bar on North 7th and Bedford Ave.
I hate karaoke so I didn’t get up to perform. But I had a great time cheering my girls Britnay and Courtnay on from the sidelines — all while chatting up one of the security guards who thought I looked amazing.
Thankfully by the end of the night I was able to put my insecurities to the side enough to have some fun. On the train ride home most everyone was in their own world and no one batted an eye at little old me and my revealing outfit.
“Maybe it was all in my head,” I thought to myself as I peeled off my bodysuit and plopped onto my bed. Perhaps a little self-confidence was all I needed to finally let my girls out and have a little fun.