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*Another response to this week’s He Said/She Said:

“By their fruits ye shall know them” was the first thought that came to mind after reading your dilemma.  She has shown you no evidence whatsoever that she is making strides to clean up her financial life.  There is no fruit in her life that gives you a glimmer of hope that she can turn her financial train wreck around.  She’s struggling financially while shopping like her life depends on it and can’t seem to make the necessary changes.  Actions show us who a person really is.  Maya Angelou says, “When people show you who they are, believe them – the first time.”  She is showing you who she is financially.  Believe her!

While your efforts are admirable; attempting to pair her with financial professionals and such, none of us can help someone who does not want to be helped or who does not see they need help.  We can’t fix what we won’t face.  She has to face her financial woes before she can fix them.  There is nothing you can do to help her help herself.  You have shown her evidence that you are financially responsible with the success of your own financial “do-over.” That should show her that if you can do it, she can do it too.  She’s not ready to do it.  Her issues can be worked out but only when she’s is ready to work them out.  Losing you might be what needs to happen for her to realize how out of control she is financially.

I disagree 100% with the “Girlfriend Whisperer.”  There is nothing tacky about honesty when it is spoken from a place of love.  I wasn’t there when you shared your truth however, based on the tone of your question and how you present your scenario, I can tell this pains you deeply.  I can tell you love her and wish this wasn’t your current reality.  It’s not fair to you or your relationship to stay in a situation that causes you so much discomfort.  Loving her is not a license to accept a situation that is not best for you and where you’re headed.

Finances are at the top of the list of why couple’s divorce.  You’re thinking about building a future with her.  What kind of future will you have if she continues on this path of financial destruction?  Two people can’t walk together unless they agree.  You’re walking in one direction financially and she’s walking in a totally different direction.  There’s no happy medium.

Money, how we earn it, spend it and save it is a part of our values.  Beyond love, common values are what keep couples together when the love wanes.  Having the same dreams, desires and destination for your relationship and future plans are what keep couples working at their relationship.  So, what’s a brotha to do? Get out now before she ruins your financial future.  You’re not on the same page!

Yvonne Chase

Certified Dating & Relationship Coach

http://www.yvonnechase.com

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  • Me

    I don’t like this response. What bothers today is so many people put time limits on EVERYTHING. It’s like she’s saying if your gf ain’t got it together yet, she don’t deserve you still trying to help her find another way. You know the ONE thing that makes a relationship last forever? The fact that both people are willing to keep trying to figure out how to make it work every single day. Once you stop being willing to try, your relationship is done. If you love her and you actually want to be with her, keeping trying. Nobody’s saying you have to get married any time soon, and if the only way you’ll get married is if you know your finances are straight then stay dating and keep your money separate until she get it together. Maybe she’s just a slow learner. She been bad at budgeting for how many decades? She got that habit down pat. Undoing those habits ain’t gonna happen over night. So either you love her enough to be patient til she get there or you give up. But don’t blame giving up on her b/c that’s 100% your choice, just like working to be better at budgeting is 100% her choice.

    • ms. lady

      I personally agree with Yvonne’s response. I think Yvonne is telling He Said to be realistic about him and his girlfriend’s financial compatibility. This isn’t to say that the girlfriend can’t change, but it’s also a warning that he shouldn’t be surprised if she doesn’t.

      Although you love her deeply, I think you have to really consider what is important to you, especially as it relates to your finances. No matter how much you love her, things can very easily go sour if you two get married years from now and money is STILL an issue.

      Your girlfriend is a grown woman who is capable of making decisions for herself. If she wants to change her finances, then she will do it for herself. No matter how many financial professionals you all visit, if she doesn’t see anything wrong with her habits, she isn’t going to change, and that’s just the bottom line. So while I’m not saying dump her immediately, I don’t think you should plan you all’s financial future together on the possibility that she might change because there is still a chance that she might not.

      I hope I didn’t sound like I’m throwing your girl under the bus because that is not my intention at all. However, as someone who is starting my career and am planning my financial future, I’ve been thinking about my finances a lot and where I see myself financially in the years to come. Having grown up with money issues, I just don’t play around with my money, and I don’t think I could tolerate someone who (no matter how much I love them) just isn’t on the same page.

      The decision is ultimately yours though, and I do wish you two all the best.