New Year

2013 is over, and unfortunately, many of the requests I sent to Jesus, Mohammad, Santa Clause, Yahweh and Beyoncé were left unanswered. However, I remain hopeful. To wit, I present to you my wishes for the New Year. Much of it has no chance of actually happening, but try, why don’t you? Please.

1. The Return of the Black Girl Group
As happy as I am that Danity Kane sort of reunited (a reunion is not a reunion if it doesn’t include every single missing piece), between Destiny’s Child appearing on stage at last year’s Super Bowl and VH1’s unintentionally hilarious made for TV movie about TLC, I miss Black girl groups. As excited as I am about SWV and their WeTV reunion along with the rumored Xscape reunion on an upcoming episode ofThe Real Housewives of Atlanta, I want to do see new blood out here twerking something and hitting high notes. Or Jade and MoKenStef can regroup. Something.

2. A Scripted Black Comedy That Doesn’t Make Me Want To Gouge My Eyes Out
T.I. and Tiny: A Family Hustle and Braxton Family Values are the most entertaining Black family shows on TV. That’s good for their respective networks, but not so good for people who remember the early to mid 1990s when Black TV situational comedies were all the rage. I miss scripted funny, and no, Single Ladies returning doesn’t count. Remember: That show isn’t supposed to be funny, it just is.

3. White People Will Learn To Ask Why Something Is Racist Versus Lecturing On Why Something Isn’t
In a year-end Q&A with the New York Times, Miley Cyrus managed to get on my nerves one last time by saying the following about her VMA performance: “It’s actually really funny how many people could watch my performance, and they think it was, like, sexist and degrading to women, and somehow people found that it was racist, which I couldn’t even wrap my mind around. Because I’m like: ‘How do I win? If I have white dancers, then I’m racist. If I have black girl dancers, then I’m racist.’”

You know, if people like Miley Cyrus and Ani DiFranco learn to ask questions about racism from those largely on the receiving end versus giving uninformed lectures about it, the world would be a much less frustrated place. Or they can buy a muzzle and stop saying stupid things. Whatever’s clever.

4. Joseline Hernandez Dumps Steebie J
I don’t anticipate this happening, but wouldn’t it be great that instead of Joseline giving Stevie J a portion of all of that money she’s making off the fame she generated from Love & Hip Hop: Atlanta and bought a nice glass of self-worth?

5. R. Kelly Gets Trapped In A Prison Cell Instead of a Closet
Better late than never at all.

6. The Decline of the Relationship Expert
This doesn’t apply to well-informed people giving thoughtful relationship advice; I’m talking about your women hating, intelligence-challenged cousins spouting off teaspoons of misogynistic madness tweet after tweet.

7. The Obsession With Black Twitter Will Wane
I get it: We’re fascinating. Feel free to stop doing news segments on us that mirror “WE GOT A NEW PANDA IN THE ZOO, Y’ALL!” local news stories.

8. Ciara Will Finally Get It Right
“Body Party” was one of the best R&B singles to be released in years, but unfortunately for Ciara, I’m only one of about 14 people who bothered to purchase her self-titled album. Now that’s confirmed she’s working on another album, here’s hoping she remembers her purpose was to be the hood Janet, not the Black Kardashian.

9. Azealia Banks Will Finally Release Broke With Expensive Taste
If you’ve heard the Harlem rapper’s 1991 EP and Fantasea mixtape, you know Azealia Banks’ talent is far more worthy a topic of discussion than her online antics. But you probably haven’t, so a full-fledged debut is long overdue.

10. Don Lemon Falls Through A Trap Door
Uncle Ruckus Jr. has done enough Black bashing to make a white supremacist smile and smize for at least a decade. Smithers, release the hounds and spare us from this troll.

11. The Nontroversies Stop
I get that in the world of 24-cable news and the Internet, news outlets are in constant need of contact. However, there is plenty of actual news to go around and no need to make something out of nothing. This includes the faux-controversy of Beyoncé lip synching the National Anthem at the Inauguration as if she can’t sing or that no other artists has ever done a similar thing for that event. You can also include much of what you saw on cable news during prime – or at least two of the networks anyway.

12. Black Movie Shockers
Well-made films starring popular Black actors can make money at the box office the same way other well-made movie starring other popular actors do. This has been proven time and time again. Everyone White people writing for major publications: stop pretending otherwise.

13. Usher Will Come Back Strong
R&B is back now, Mr. Raymond. You can ditch the rave now, sir.

14. People Can Come Out In Peace
Whenever a public figure decides to disclose their sexual orientation, a bunch of folks shout in response that they “already knew that person was gay.” It’s the sort of annoying behavior that prevents us from having nice things. Let a person come out in peace. After all, you never know anything about a person usually until they tell you, and even if you did “know,” it wasn’t your story to tell. The next time a gay person you “knew was gay” says so for himself or herself, have yourself a cookie instead of trying to make it about you. Or choke on one. Jerk.

Michael Arceneaux is from the land of Beyoncé, but now lives in the city of Master Splinters. Follow him at @youngsinick.

 

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  • I fangirl-ed for ciara so long that by the time this year got here I said bye. Everyone acts like the album is good but I’m just tired of my expectations getting let down and I have no desire to check it out. still wish her well though. I’d love for Azealia to drop her album too but I need her to get professional help first, its obvious she has unresolved issues.

  • Naan

    Sending requests to Mohammed (pbuh)? Mohammed is not a saint. Mohammed is not God. Mohammed does not answer prayers.

    Just wow. How ignorant of a metaphor.

    If you would like to make Islam a part of any of your jokes at least understand one of its basic concepts.

    It is 2014, walking around implying that Muslims think of him as a saint or even as God is ridiculous.

    • Zana

      You said it all…He needs to recognize that for Muslims that read his stuff that was offensive