There are many reasons why men don’t necessarily know what women really like in bed. The most important: a lack of access to real information. Movies oversimplify sex by not really showing what happens in the sack, pornography is just, well, pornography, and “Talk Sex With Sue Johanson” is off the air. Aside from that, us ladies are pretty confused as well. Some of us are unaware of what our bodies really like and others don’t want to speak up out of fear that our partner’s feelings will get hurt. So where do men have to turn to get some real info? Well, not too many places. For that reason, The Frisky has compiled this list of essential tips for men to help them be better lovers. This is just a beginners’ guide, so stay tuned for more!
1. It’s okay to not know what the hell you are doing — more than likely, no one ever taught you. Many societies have dedicated entire schools of learning to the art of sex and sexual pleasure, culminating in books like India’s famous Karma Sutra. Sadly, puritanical Western society is a bit less instructive and real talk about the act is usually absent from brief sex-education classes. That means collectively, we have learned less about sex than, well, just about anything else, even boring math equations that will likely never be used in real life. So stop pretended like you graduated from sex college with a doctorate, when you have barely made it through kindergarten.
2. Speak up and ask questions. Both men and women usually act like five-year-olds when the topic of sex arises. We have all been socialized to shy away from necessary conversations about our likes, dislikes and sexual interests (especially if they are a little taboo). Men especially have been socialized to be stoic and to pretend that they are in control of the situation, despite feeling confused at times. This makes sex a very confusing interaction for most people, where mixed-signals are sent leaving too much space for miscommunication. Be open with your partner and encourage her to be open with you. Verbalize the things you want to do to your partner and the things you partner want to do with you, even if it is uncomfortable to say or hear at first.
3. A strong, firm grasp tells her that you are confident. A firm handshake tells acquaintances that you mean business: a firm grasp tells a woman that you know what you are confident what you are going to do to her will blow her mind. As things start to heat up, grab your lady by the crevice on the back of her neck as you kiss her. Always use your hands to firmly hold her during every stage of sex including foreplay, oral sex and penetration. But just as it is necessary to practice the strength used with a handshake, do the same with your sex grasp.
4. Even the Bible has a great sex tip: Do unto others as you would have others do unto you. Reciprocity and mutual respect is the key to building a safe, comfortable space where sex can be enjoyed. No one should expect sexual favors, like oral sex, anal sex or anal play, without being open to receiving and giving. It is very difficult to understand the complexities of the human body or give pleasure without the willingness to explore and be explored. Yes, in plain words, I am saying if you want to play with a woman’s butt, you should be open to having your own played with.
5. Most men do not really last that long, so don’t count on intercourse as the only route to her pleasure. According to a national survey, American men ejaculate within 2-7 minutes on average. Since it is recommended that sex (foreplay, oral and intercourse) last for up to 30 minutes in order for a woman to climax, that means you dudes should be ready to spend ample time caressing, kissing, licking, sucking and whatever other techniques your lady enjoys before even attempting to initiate intercourse. Sorry to break it to you guys, but that 2-7 minutes just doesn’t cut it for us ladies.
6. If sex were a race, women prefer the tortoise, not the hare, in bed. Sometimes a quickie is fun and the adrenaline rush is amazing, but usually a nice slow build-up where a steady pace is set is by far more enjoyable. Without time constraints, begin with a massage to get her in the mood or slowly caress her body. Do not get overly excited and go right for very sensitive areas of her body like her breasts or sex organs, immediately. And women get it, you are horny! But if you begin by touching the less sensitive parts of the body, blood flow will increase to both the sex organs and breasts, so when you finally do begin exploring more sensual areas, your touch will feel electric. Not to mention you won’t come off as a creepy, insensitive jerk.
7. If she’s not wet, she’s not ready. Like men, women’s bodies have a natural response to arousal: wetness. If you try to have intercourse with a woman and find that things are a little dry down there, slow down, bud. Imagine a woman incessantly trying to shove your penis inside of her while you are completely soft — not only is it annoying but it is also nerve racking and discomforting. Sex should only happen when all bodies involved are completely ready.
In the event that your lady happens to have a hard time becoming naturally wet, invest in lube. But do not skip the foreplay and use lube to get right to business. That is just plain lazy and won’t be enjoyable for your partner.
8. The clitoris works in mysterious ways. The clit is a very sensitive sex organ: it contains at least 8,000 nerve endings. So, the fast rubbing action, with two fingers quickly going around and around, that you typically see in pornography may actually be overstimulating for many women’s lady parts. For that reason, indirect stimulation will likely be the most comfortable way to get your lady off. This simply means that you put pressure on the clit, and the area surrounding it, with some part of your body. To help you understand this concept, here are some strange ways many women have said they’ve given themselves clitoral orgasms:
- Sliding down poles as a youngster on the playground.
- With a pillow, clasped tightly between the legs while wiggling from side-to-side.
- Laying on the stomach with something between the legs, while rocking back and forth and side to side.
Clitoral stimulation should be done during foreplay, oral sex and intercourse, because most women cannot orgasm without it. The easiest way to accomplish this is by allowing the weight of your lower body to rest against her pelvic area as you kiss her or make love to her. If you are in a position that does not allow that simple technique, use your palm or four fingers to gently press down on her clitoris and its surrounding area or put a pillow underneath her if she is laying on her stomach.
When you’re with a woman who enjoys having her clitoris played with directly, always make sure your fingers (or toys) are lubricated! A man sliding his dry fingers onto/into your overly sensitive sex organ is extremely uncomfortable and a really huge turn off.
9. Don’t stress over size, focus on technique. Large penises have an undeniable aesthetically pleasing quality — they are, ahem, visually intriguing. However, like men’s penises, each woman’s vagina has a different length and even width. So there may be few 12-inch penises in the world, but there are also few 12-inch vaginas: nature has a smart way of creating balance.
With that said, regardless of your size, it’s all about how you use it. Go-to methods like the jackhammer and shallow pounding have been adopted into many a man’s book of tricks — to the dismay of many women — thanks to their prevalence in pornography, but those so-called techniques can cause tearing, bleeding or other discomforts. Unless you have just engaged in the most amazing foreplay and her vagina is soaking wet, she more than likely is not interested in fast thrusts right away and that shallow stuff you see in porn is mostly done so the cameraman can get a good shot.
Instead, start by slowly sliding your penis into her vagina until it either becomes uncomfortable for her or it’s entirely inside of her body, so you know how deep you can go without hurting her. Repeat this motion until you feel her body start to relax, then increase the pace gradually as she begins to loosen up. And remember, always find a way to stimulate her clitoris (or have her play with herself), during intercourse!
10. The vagina is not a receptacle, it participates in sex. Do not expect that sex with a woman means she will just lay there and receive you. There are muscles in the vagina (PC muscles) that, when held tight, can increase pleasure for both the man and woman and even enhance orgasm. Encourage her to practice using and strengthening these muscles with Kegels before sex and you’ll both benefit.
Got any other tips for guys on how to be better lovers? Share in the comments for the benefit of us all!