Screen Shot 2014-10-27 at 9.52.01 AMSo Mr. Handsome (you know, the one from this story) passed the tests of eligible bachelorism and has asked you out on your first date in…God knows how long. As the conversation proceeds, and your head is filled with images of an intimate candlelit dinner a la Lady and the Tramp (hopefully he’ll use a fork rather than his nose to feed you that last meatball). As the lust-filled fantasy fades, you hear, “So you wanna come over and chill?” Screech! Pump your brakes, playboy. While it might be easy to accommodate his lack of prep and planning, here’s why you should say “nah” (insert meme here) when approached with such an…enticing offer.

It’s Lazy.
Part of the excitement of the first few dates is knowing that someone was interested enough in your to think and plan some ways to spend time together. If all he comes up with is, “Let’s chill…” Talk about a major let-down. With all relationships, effort is a must — from both parties. But if he’s not even putting the effort in to treat you special from the get-go, it’s probably not going to change. He doesn’t want to work for it. He doesn’t want to earn your heart. He’s not worth it. Sorry.

It’s Lame.
Some men might use the excuse that they’re broke. Don’t fall for it. There are so many ways to get to know each other that don’t involved a darkened crib. Tell him to grab a blanket, make some sandwiches and take you on a picnic. Or go for a bike ride. Or, in chillier months, if he’s got a couple bucks, go ice-skating. Do something. But don’t do “chilling.” If he does it right, the two of you will have years and years to chill on the couch.

It’s Inconsiderate
Why should anyone assume that your idea of a “getting-to-know-you” date involves an old couch, Redbox and some snacks — if you’re lucky? He got you to say yes. But then he’s going to potentially ruin it by not considering you when it comes to planning something for the two of you to do. Hell, if he can’t think of anything — because let’s face it, men are not the best planners — at the very least he can talk with you about it to get a feel for your likes and dislikes. After all, this date includes both of you, right?

Harpo, Who Dis Man?
So you’ve had a couple of hours-long phone and FaceTime conversations. Do you really know this dude from Adam? No! If you’ve seen For Colored Girls, you know exactly what can happen if you choose to trust a man before you know who you’re dealing with. Not just that, but it’s good to see upfront how a man acts in public. If he’s blowing his nose at the table and chewing with his mouth open, or if every girl you pass on the street seems to know his name, you know you have some thinking to do before taking it further (and, um, I’m being polite here. You should run. Like now.)

You Deserve Better.
Point, blank and the period. You’re a lady. So demand to be treated like one. Because if you start off a potential relationship expecting and accepting sub-par treatment, that’s exactly what you’re going to receive. And that’s not fair. And it’s downright disrespectful. How you start off is how you’ll continue, so train him early (yeah, I said it) to respect your body, your time and you as a woman and potential mate. That way you won’t be stuck six months down the line whining, “We never go anywhere! You never take me out!” Ugh. You’ll hate yourself and resent him. And why in the world would he do that now when you weren’t demanding that from the very beginning? Don’t get hit with the okie-doke, ladies. Don’t settle for a little when you deserve it all.

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  • tigerthelion

    Great advise overall but I feel it be a little balance in ways that reflect our current cultural climate where men and women are equals in every way. So instead of just saying no to his invitation, make a suggestion. Instead of sitting around for him to take u out everytime, ask him out sometimes. It’s about reciprocity.

  • $0.07 cents

    Men will get over on what you allow them to get over with. When my self worth wasn’t the strongest in my 20’s it was very easy for me to be manipulated and easily flattered by the “offering” of chill time. I wasn’t an easy lay but I wasn’t exactly pressing a dude to wine me or dine me either. I thought I was being the “nice” girl by allowing a dude to kick back in my crib and not spend a dime…especially when they have practiced excuses in their holsters. But I learned quickly that that is the road to resentful planet. I learned from experience that it takes a certain kind of shiftless man to feel entitled to your romantic life without actually courting you…and usually they are the BUMBS.

  • Diane

    Hmm this simply confounds me. My coworker is a millennial and she snagged her boyfriend in what the advice columnist would say is the worse possible way. She hooked up with him the same night after meeting him at a party. That was nine months ago. I should probably mention that she’s white and the men that were at this party were all college educated and in graduate school. He himself graduated from a top ivy and is now in law school. They are now planning their quarter-century old lives together. Her experience isn’t unique. Hooking up is the expectation. No one dates anymore. I dated a guy for a few months who wanted to marry me. It didn’t work out because he was a little nutso but even so, he envisioned us being together. He told me that if I hadn’t have slept with him within the first month, he would have ghosted. That probably would have been better for me in the long run but I wonder how many guys from the newer generation are willing to stick around to get to know a girl first? It’s all simply mystifying.

    • Anthony

      The woman you mentioned simply clicked with that guy. I will also say that it always dangerous to compare your experiences to a white person. The world just works differently for them than it does for us.

    • Diane

      @Anthony
      She had no idea who he was. We researched him afterwards. The thing is, it’s actually up to the guy to decide what they are going to do and if they are ready at that time. Unfortunately for so many woman, the hook up turns into a relationship. My LTR was like that. The day we met, we hooked up and it turned into a 6 year relationship.

      I suppose my question is, why are some men willing to comment and others aren’t and how can you tell who is who. It’s not always evident.

    • Anthony

      @Diane, I don’t think the hook is key to a relationship developing. It just happens to be the way some people meet these days. Relationships develop because people click, they really like each other, they have common values, interests, etc. These are things that couples could find out about each other whether their first encounter was sexual or not.

      In short, I don’t think guys go into a hook up thinking their will be a relationship unless they already have a crush on the woman.

  • MommieDearest

    I find it sad that an article like this even has to be written. I guess it’s a sign of the times we are living in. *smh*

  • Nik

    This article is narrow-minded, judgmental, misinformed, and lazy. I’ve been all over the world and women ask me over to their place on first dates and the like all the time. Usually we do something cool like cook together, break out some vinyl, or conversation over wine/fireplace. It’s romantic, comfy, and personal. Sometimes the chemistry is hot and steamy and sometimes its chill. Sometimes its for a get-2-know-u date, and sometimes its for a hook up. But one thing is for sure; its always been pretty cool. As a matter of fact, I think its pretty effing backwards and archaic to assume a woman is any less of a lady for going on a date to someone’s place. Most women that have pulled this off amazing specimens of what a lady should be: beautiful, brilliant, empowered, confident, comfortable in their skin, and of course excellent hostesses. Hell, I’d do it again in a heartbeat! Shame on you for being so narrow-minded, judgmental, and uninformed. I hope you do some brainstorming, interviewing, and follow up this article with a more developed sense of understanding. good luck kiddo!