Last week, last night, today and presumably the last hour, I’ve been trying to maintain my sanity, while raging against injustice and trying to explain to the next generation, in my classroom, that social change will come. I’ve also been garnering equilibrium through delving into other news items that have slipped through the constant tragedy, i.e. Pokemon Go.

If you’ve been under the thumb of oppression for the last week, Pokemon Go is a new app that allows Pikachu fans to go exploring their actual world depicted through virtual reality. The app has level up stations and gyms where you can battle other Pokemon trainers. Real world towns have tons of species, but you have to go out and find them.

No, not just digitally. You actually have to get up from your sofa, walk the neighborhood, and swipe your finger across your screen in allocated spaces.

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While capturing a Squirtle, before almost walking out into traffic, I spotted a fine man walking in the opposite direction. And girrrlllll, I inadvertently tried to swipe him. It is then I realized that the Pokemon Go App very much resembled my lack of a love life.

Does this millennial generation not join dating apps, that utilize geotagging and proximity, and allow you to swipe, match, and CATCH THEM ALL?!

Pokemon Go is like Tinder for the generation that fat-shamed with the nickname Jigglypuff. Yes. I was that kid. However, I took it as a compliment. Jigglypuff is cute. * flips hair *

Aren’t some Pokemon worth more than others? Do you live in a town full of Rattatas too?
Rattatas are low level, normal, starter Pokemon. Long story short, they’ll get their behind kicked in a Pokemon battle unless they’ve evolved into a Raticate. Raticate is a stronger, still weak though, Pokemon.
Aren’t Rattatas just f-boys? Aren’t Raticates just the beginning of an f-boys’ realization that he is one?
This article is a call to action for all the app developers. I live in a world inundated with Rattatas and I’m ready for a Find-A-Non-F-Boy Go app.

The level up stations would be Wall Street, court districts, University professor lounges, the bookstore, church, Black Lives Matter protests, anywhere hoteps don’t frequent, and the bank.

I want the ability to be able to swipe my finger across an app and discern whether the man in front of me is ready for anything on the other side of exclusivity. I want all of the stats, so I can decide whether I really need to stop and engage.

Here are some suggested Non-F-Boy species names: Plansdatesachu, Payshisrentazar, GotHisSh*ttogetherazon, MakesCallsNotOnlyTextsPuff, Tellsthetruthas, SaysWhatHeMeans…

I’ve got a lot of suggestions, but I’ll let you guys come up with the rest.

I imagine this app will bring much progress to the dating world and rectify f-boyism everywhere. You’ll be able to discern whether he’ll want to split the first date check, if he’s hiding a relationship, if Newt Gingrich is finally woke, and if Frank Ocean is lying, if he’d be down to Pokemon GO & chill.

It’d be great if we could see the BS coming from a mile away, if the red flag was a rustle of leaves or a vibration of your phone.

Doesn’t like kids.
Vibrate.
Believes chivalry is dead.
Vibrate.
Doesn’t take care of his kids.
Vibrate.
Prone to go ghost.
Vibrate.
Drama. Drama. Drama.
Vibrate. Vibrate. Vibrate.

Just imagine…

Until this is created, I wish you all the best on your dating journey. Good luck, Godspeed, and trust your intuition.

Just the other day I was walking in the street and a young man bumped into me, at 6am, while I was on my way to work. He was clearly playing Pokemon GO and not paying attention. He apologized profusely.

“Sorry. Oh. And what’s your name?”

I looked him up and down, used my inner Find-A-Non-F-Boy GO app, and considered what he was doing the first thing on Monday morning.

I smiled, while walking away, “Can’t catch em’ all!”

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